I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s03e16 Episode Script
Genie, Genie, Who's Got the Genie? (1)
[.]
Well, this time tomorrow, you and Major Healey will be strolling down the Via Veneto at Rome.
Hm, yes, sir.
I'm looking forward to it.
I want you and Major Healey to remember that this vacation is strictly for R and R.
Rest and relaxation.
[CHUCKLES.]
I, uh, don't want you to be lonely over there.
This is a letter of introduction.
Oh.
Thank you very much, sir.
It's to my aunt.
She's lived in Italy for 50 years.
Oh.
Uh, she's a lot of fun.
Oh.
Good, good, good.
Thanks very much.
I'll I'll see you in two weeks.
Fine.
Bon voyage.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I can't believe it.
Two whole weeks without Major Nelson.
Hm.
[.]
Ha-ha.
"Caution, do not close.
" I see.
Master, darling.
Oh.
Hi, Jeannie.
Hm.
I am ready.
What are you doing? I told you to stay home and wait for me.
Oh, I could not wait, master.
I am so excited.
Two whole weeks in Rome.
Ho-ho.
I can hardly wait to see Michelangelo again.
Yeah.
But if anybody discovers you're here, both you and I, we're gonna have to move in with Michelangelo.
Now, you go home and And start packing.
Oh.
We are all packed.
We For two weeks in Rome, you're packed in that? Well, you said you wanted to travel light.
So I shrunk everything.
[LAUGHING.]
It's kind of cute.
[FOOTSTEPS.]
Somebody's coming.
Someone's coming.
Go on, go on.
Get out.
Oh! How is this? Huh? Where are you? Down here in the big box.
Huh? And here.
Take that.
No, I don't mean in there.
I mean, go home.
Ahh! Oh, I'm sorry, Tony.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Hey, is this the baby they're sending up to the moon? Yes.
Well, what are you doing? What's up? It's locked.
What do you mean it's locked? It's locked! What's wrong? Jeannie's in there.
Jeannie's in there? Well, why would they want to send Jeannie to the moon? Jeannie's in there? JEANNIE: Master? Master?! Please let me out of here.
I do not want to go to the moon.
Let me out of here! [.]
[.]
Don't worry, Jeannie.
Tony went to get the combination.
We'll have you out of there in a minute.
Please! I am not ready to go to the moon.
Dr.
Bellows.
Oh, major.
I thought you'd be halfway to Rome by now.
I was just on my way, sir.
Oh, by the way, I was wondering if you could give me the combination to the moon safe.
[LAUGHING.]
Very funny.
I'll see you in two weeks.
[LAUGHING.]
Ah, but could you give me the combination, sir? Major, I'm very busy at the moment.
Why do you want it? Oh.
It's nothing to worry about.
It's just that I accidentally shut the door.
You what?! Yeah.
And it And it locked.
But it's nothing to worry about.
Can you give me the combination? Nobody knows the combination! Nobody knows the combination? Get me General Sullivan.
Sir, what good is a safe if nobody knows the combination? Uh, General Sullivan.
Uh Uh, Dr.
Bellows here.
Well, I'm sorry, sir, but, um the, uh, safe-closing ceremony will have to be cancelled.
It was accidentally locked.
Well, I'm sorry, sir Yes, I know it's regrettable, but she'll have to go up there just as she is.
Well, she can't go up there, sir.
Not all alone.
Uh, yes, general.
I'll make the necessary calls.
Uh, d-doctor.
We've gotta open that safe, sir.
[SIGHS.]
It's too late, major.
Too late? Mm.
Open the blinds.
What? The blinds.
Oh? See that rocket? TONY: Oh, yeah.
Project Cold Storage.
Tomorrow morning at sunrise that rocket is blasting off for the moon with the safe and other D-did you say with the safe, sir? With the safe and other assorted instruments aboard.
[INTERCOM BUZZES.]
Oh, uh, bu But, Dr.
Bellows, I-is it really almost? Hello.
Dr.
Bellows here.
Oh, uh Will you put it on hold, please? Dr.
Bellows, it's very important.
The payload will be dumped to test the reaction to the lunar environment.
But, sir, I-it's very important The safe contains things that an astronaut will need to sustain life.
So if you want the combination to that safe, it's really very simple.
All you have to do is be the first man on the moon.
[.]
[GRUNTS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hi.
Did you get the combination? No, Dr.
Bellows doesn't have it.
What do you mean he doesn't have it? He just doesn't have it.
Uh Uh, Jeannie, you're gonna have to get out by yourself.
Oh.
It is no use, master.
If you cannot open this safe, it is impossible.
I I am trapped.
It is just like putting the cork in my bottle.
That's a combination lock.
This shouldn't be hard to open.
By the time we figure out the combination, this safe is gonna be on its way to the moon.
Uh, J-Jeannie.
I-I want you to turn yourself to smoke.
Try getting out that way.
Oh.
Very well.
But I do not think it will work.
Uh, Jeannie, are you all right? [COUGHS.]
Yes.
But I am still here.
[JEANNIE COUGHING.]
I think we're in trouble.
There we are.
Yeah.
Give me the bag.
Yeah.
Sledgehammer.
Sledgehammer.
Oh Chisel.
Chisel, chisel.
Monkey wrench.
Monkey wrench.
And a crowbar.
[SIGHS.]
That ought to do it.
I don't know, Tony, that thing looked strong.
If that doesn't work, we get a blowtorch.
If that doesn't work Yeah? We're in trouble.
I bet Dr.
Bellows would give us the combination if he knew how important this was.
Yeah, how do we tell him? Well, we could walk up to him and tell him that we'd like to get inside the safe because there's a genie in there.
I I wonder w-where we can get a blowtorch this time of night.
Give me that.
[SIGHS.]
[RATTLES.]
Shh! Jeannie, are you there? [COUGHS.]
Yes, master.
L-look, don't Don't worry about a thing.
In a few minutes, we're gonna be having dinner at the Cocoa Beach Yacht Club.
Hurry, master.
When you hear some hammering, don't be frightened.
It's just us trying to break in.
Oh, I will not be frightened.
I have faith in you.
Hey, wait a minute, Roger.
Maybe this pamphlet has some construction details that will tell us the easiest way to get in.
Here.
It says the, uh "The moon safe is completely resistant to extremes of temperature and pressure.
" Yeah.
"A " "A unique" "A unique feature of the moon safe is the explosive device built into the walls.
" You hear that? Yeah.
"Should anyone dial incorrect numbers or attempt to break in, the explosive will be detonated, destroying the safe and the contents.
" Here goes.
No! Watch it.
[MUTTERS.]
What's the matter? What's the matter? You would have blown up the safe with Jeannie in it.
ROGER: What do you mean? What is happening, master? When are you going to start hammering? Uh, we're not gonna be able to break in, Jeannie.
The The safe will explode.
[SHRIEKS.]
JEANNIE: What are you going to do? Then how will you get me out of here? That's a good question.
We're gonna have to get professional advice.
Yeah, professional advice.
Hey, why don't we get a locksmith? We'll get a locksmith.
A locksmith.
No, no, a locksmith would ask too many questions.
Too many questions.
Uh A professional safecracker, that's what we need.
Yeah, a safecracker.
Yeah.
Where are we gonna get a safecracker? Um I I read about the police raiding a bar and grill that a lot of mobsters hang out at.
Uh The Pink Horse? The Pink Horse Bar and Grill.
Yeah.
That's where we're gonna get him.
Uh, Jeannie.
Jeannie, now Now, don't worry about a thing.
You just make yourself comfortable.
Uh, Roger and I are gonna go and get you a A professional safecracker.
Oh, be careful, master.
Safecrackers are dangerous criminals.
Hey, she's right.
The Pink Horse Bar and Grill.
That's where all the gangsters hang out.
Where do you expect to find a safecracker, the yellow pages? Come on.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Give a hand.
Give a hand, Where's? Shh! [CLATTERING.]
Shh! Well, here it is.
Is that you, master? Did you say something, Joe? Not me.
Come on.
Give me a hand with this.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
You know, I could've sworn somebody said, "Is that you, master?" Sure you did, Mike.
It's probably a little green moon man in the safe going home.
Okay.
It's good enough here.
All right.
Easy.
Easy.
[GROANS.]
There we are.
Oh.
Easy now.
Do you know what's kind of crazy? Mm-hm.
We can't cure a common cold.
But tomorrow morning this thing's gonna be on its way to the moon.
[MEN CHATTERING.]
[MEN CHATTERING.]
What'll it be, gents? Two beers heavy on the foam.
Right.
[IN MOBSTER ACCENT.]
We want a little information.
Look.
Why don't you guys just go on to your costume party? You could get hurt in here.
Listen.
Have you ever heard of the Atlantic City bank robbery? I ain't even heard of Atlantic City.
I guess you didn't hear about the robbery then, huh? Mm.
Good foam.
[TONY CLEARS THROAT.]
We're down from Chicago to do a job.
Do you have a can opener? A can opener? You know what we mean.
Yeah.
And we're willing to pay for it.
Oh.
Two bucks.
MAN: Hey.
Hey.
Hey! What's your bag, man? My bag? Bag.
Oh.
Um Well, uh, we're looking for What are you? Fuzz? Fuzz? Fuzz.
Oh, the police? No.
Do I look like a policeman? Well, uh You look like you're from an old TV movie.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Get a club.
Look busy.
Look busy.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Listen I give you a hundred dollars if you help me.
Try to look busy, try to look busy.
[SIGHS.]
Not bad for $2, huh? What? Give me that.
Try to look busy, will you? Yeah, look busy.
Yeah.
Look busy.
Professor, I'd like for you to meet Please.
No names.
It's a pleasure to meet you, professor.
Please.
No handshakes.
Charley, get me a stick.
A what? Charley! Here, professor.
Gentlemen.
Keep playing, keep playing, keep playing.
What can I do for you? Are you a safecracker? Professor's the best in the business.
[CHUCKLES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Charley here is one of my most ardent admirers.
[CHUCKLES.]
You say it to anybody, don't you, Charley? You'd even say it to the FBI.
Wouldn't you, Charley? [GROANS.]
Professor, they ain't no FBI.
They ain't no FBI.
Don't you think I can see that? TONY: Professor [BALLS CLACKING.]
We've got a job for you tonight.
Keep playing, keep playing.
What kind of a job? It's It's a safe.
Obviously.
What's in the safe? Well, it's a A jewel.
A rare jewel.
It's the only one of its kind in the world.
I'll say.
[GROANS.]
Where is this jewel? NASA.
The space agency?! Shh! The safe is guaranteed unopenable.
We have to do the job tonight because the safe is gonna be moved tomorrow morning.
P-p-professor, we can't pull a A job at NASA.
I mean, like Fort Knox, the place is guarded.
Charley, Charley, Charley.
Major Nelson and Major Healey both work for NASA.
I'm sure they'll arrange to find some way to get us in.
How did you know our names? I'm also a pickpocket.
Well, I'll be It's my watch.
Somebody's moved it.
It was right here.
Somebody's moved it.
Hey, what are you guys trying to pull? You don't think they loaded it already? No, of course not.
Here, look in the back.
Take that.
Professor, I told you, we shouldn't get mixed up with amateurs.
Relax, Charley.
They have got more to lose than we have.
I know where it is.
It's at the final assembly room.
It's on the tarmac.
Roger.
Come on.
Let's hurry.
I dropped the flashlight.
I'll get the flashlight.
You take 'em to the final assembly room.
Get the flashlight.
Sh! Where's that flashlight? Dr.
Bellows.
Did you lose this flashlight? Oh.
Yes.
Yes, sir.
Thank you.
I'm sure you have a reasonable explanation why you were crawling on the floor here instead of being in Rome on your vacation? Where you belong.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yes.
Yes, I do.
You don't have to tell me.
I don't? No.
I'll tell you.
You will? Mm.
You couldn't bear to go away and, um, not see the launching of the moonshot.
Yeah Well, the truth is, sir Uh, the truth is, I should have guessed it.
Uh, do you know your trouble, Major Nelson? What's that, sir? You're overconscientious.
Me? [CHUCKLES.]
But it's not going to go unrewarded.
Ahem.
Oh, well, that's very kind of you, sir.
You're gonna watch that launching from the control room.
I'm gonna watch it, sir? Oh I insist.
I insist.
I I have a plane You're going to sit right next to me.
Yeah, but, sir Ah, yes.
No, no, no, no, no.
And after the launching, I'm gonna put you on the plane Sir, it's very important that I go Come along.
Wait, sir.
Master? Where am I? In the final assembly room, dum-dum.
Oh.
Thank you.
Joe.
I'm hearing it again.
Hearing what? Voices.
Didn't you hear it? You mean the one that just said, "Where am I?" and then, "Thank you"? Mm-mm.
I didn't hear a thing.
Right.
Neither did I.
Oh.
What do you think it was? Probably some new secret weapon.
Boy, are those Russians gonna be in for a surprise.
That's it.
Let's go.
Now, wait a second, wait a second.
You don't expect us to work on that thing out in the open, do you? Oh, we have to.
In a few minutes that thing's gonna be shot to the moon.
Look, you stay here.
I'll go and see if the coast is clear.
Professor, I don't like it.
Look.
Even if we're able to get the jewel out of that safe I mean, if it is one of a kind we'll never be able to push it.
Very shrewd, Charley.
But you missed the crucial question.
Why would NASA want to shoot a rare precious stone to the moon? Yeah, that's right.
It's a phony.
So what are we standing here for? Why? Because whatever is in that safe Major Nelson and Major Healey are desperate to get it out.
And people don't get desperate over something of no value.
Ah.
That's why.
[WHISTLING.]
Jeannie.
Can you hear me? It's me, Roge.
Yes, Major Healey.
Two men moved me last night.
Where am I? The final assembly room.
Ready to be loaded on the moon rocket.
Do not worry.
Well, uh Uh, where is Major Nelson? I don't know.
Will he be on the rocket? No, just you and a bunch of equipment.
Well, then, I-I would like to get out, please.
Don't worry, Jeannie.
We got some experts working on it now.
MAN [ON RADIO.]
: Three-forty mark.
Usually we don't use MAN: Uh, status check? That is, Major Healey and Major Nelson [INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER.]
What's the matter with this thing any? What are they loading now? Let's see.
Number 12 meteorological survey monitor.
Uh, what number is that moon safe? Seventeen.
[SNAPS.]
I just remembered.
I gotta see somebody.
If you'll excuse me.
Aren't you waiting? Of course he is.
Oh.
Dr.
Bellows, I Major Nelson put off his vacation to watch this launching.
Uh, that's the kind of loyalty we get from our astronauts, congressman.
Well, that's very commendable, major.
Very commendable.
Tell me, son, how will you feel when you see that rocket lifting off its launch pad? I'd rather not try to describe my feelings, sir.
What are you doing, professor? I'm getting ready to open your safe.
ROGER: Don't touch PROFESSOR: Don't touch it? Oh.
If you dial the wrong combination, the whole safe will blow up.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
ROGER: Oh, let's hide.
Hide.
[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY.]
Oh.
What happened to the safe? The safe? What safe? Y The safe, sir.
The safe? Oh, the safe.
Oh, well, the safe was, uh It's over there.
It's way over there.
Oh.
Thank you, major.
Way over.
Way Well, it's not here.
What happened? There it is.
What? This.
There's the safe.
Oh, that safe.
Yeah.
You wanted that safe, yeah.
Well, carry on, men.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you, major.
Take care of that safe.
Bye.
Yeah.
Nice work.
All right, pull it up.
Get okay.
Do your best, Mike.
[MEN GRUNTING.]
[WHISPERS.]
Charley.
I've got an idea.
You feeling all right, major? TONY: Yes.
Yes, sir.
You know, I understand they keep you on a pretty short leash out here.
Make you watch your diets, regulate your sleep, cut down on your social life.
How do you feel about that? Oh, it It's a wonderful program, sir.
They They keep us in tiptop shape.
You don't look too well.
Here.
Thank you.
Congressman, hm-hm if you look at the monitor there, you'll see them loading the moon safe.
[SPITS.]
You all right, major? [GASPING.]
Yeah.
Tiptop shape.
[COUGHING.]
There it is, congressman.
CONGRESSMAN: So that's the famous moon safe.
BELLOWS: Well, there it goes.
They're loading it into the rocket.
Hm.
It'll be going off any minute now.
You know, it's remarkable how calm and collected you all stay.
I'm nervous as a cat.
[CRASH.]
Major Nelson! Major Nelson.
I thought you kept these astronauts in top physical condition? Oh, he's fine, congressman, I assure you.
Sit down, major.
Jeannie? Jean? I gotta get her out of there.
I gotta get her out of there! Jeannie! Major Nelson, where are you going? Jeannie! Major! Come back here, major! Stop them.
Gotta stop them.
MAN: Minus 10, nine, eight, seven, six CONGRESSMAN: That's Nelson! Five, four TONY: Stop the launch! Stop it! Stop that launch! Stop! [ENGINES ROARING.]
Goodbye, Jeannie.
Goodbye.
[.]
[.]
Well, this time tomorrow, you and Major Healey will be strolling down the Via Veneto at Rome.
Hm, yes, sir.
I'm looking forward to it.
I want you and Major Healey to remember that this vacation is strictly for R and R.
Rest and relaxation.
[CHUCKLES.]
I, uh, don't want you to be lonely over there.
This is a letter of introduction.
Oh.
Thank you very much, sir.
It's to my aunt.
She's lived in Italy for 50 years.
Oh.
Uh, she's a lot of fun.
Oh.
Good, good, good.
Thanks very much.
I'll I'll see you in two weeks.
Fine.
Bon voyage.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I can't believe it.
Two whole weeks without Major Nelson.
Hm.
[.]
Ha-ha.
"Caution, do not close.
" I see.
Master, darling.
Oh.
Hi, Jeannie.
Hm.
I am ready.
What are you doing? I told you to stay home and wait for me.
Oh, I could not wait, master.
I am so excited.
Two whole weeks in Rome.
Ho-ho.
I can hardly wait to see Michelangelo again.
Yeah.
But if anybody discovers you're here, both you and I, we're gonna have to move in with Michelangelo.
Now, you go home and And start packing.
Oh.
We are all packed.
We For two weeks in Rome, you're packed in that? Well, you said you wanted to travel light.
So I shrunk everything.
[LAUGHING.]
It's kind of cute.
[FOOTSTEPS.]
Somebody's coming.
Someone's coming.
Go on, go on.
Get out.
Oh! How is this? Huh? Where are you? Down here in the big box.
Huh? And here.
Take that.
No, I don't mean in there.
I mean, go home.
Ahh! Oh, I'm sorry, Tony.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Hey, is this the baby they're sending up to the moon? Yes.
Well, what are you doing? What's up? It's locked.
What do you mean it's locked? It's locked! What's wrong? Jeannie's in there.
Jeannie's in there? Well, why would they want to send Jeannie to the moon? Jeannie's in there? JEANNIE: Master? Master?! Please let me out of here.
I do not want to go to the moon.
Let me out of here! [.]
[.]
Don't worry, Jeannie.
Tony went to get the combination.
We'll have you out of there in a minute.
Please! I am not ready to go to the moon.
Dr.
Bellows.
Oh, major.
I thought you'd be halfway to Rome by now.
I was just on my way, sir.
Oh, by the way, I was wondering if you could give me the combination to the moon safe.
[LAUGHING.]
Very funny.
I'll see you in two weeks.
[LAUGHING.]
Ah, but could you give me the combination, sir? Major, I'm very busy at the moment.
Why do you want it? Oh.
It's nothing to worry about.
It's just that I accidentally shut the door.
You what?! Yeah.
And it And it locked.
But it's nothing to worry about.
Can you give me the combination? Nobody knows the combination! Nobody knows the combination? Get me General Sullivan.
Sir, what good is a safe if nobody knows the combination? Uh, General Sullivan.
Uh Uh, Dr.
Bellows here.
Well, I'm sorry, sir, but, um the, uh, safe-closing ceremony will have to be cancelled.
It was accidentally locked.
Well, I'm sorry, sir Yes, I know it's regrettable, but she'll have to go up there just as she is.
Well, she can't go up there, sir.
Not all alone.
Uh, yes, general.
I'll make the necessary calls.
Uh, d-doctor.
We've gotta open that safe, sir.
[SIGHS.]
It's too late, major.
Too late? Mm.
Open the blinds.
What? The blinds.
Oh? See that rocket? TONY: Oh, yeah.
Project Cold Storage.
Tomorrow morning at sunrise that rocket is blasting off for the moon with the safe and other D-did you say with the safe, sir? With the safe and other assorted instruments aboard.
[INTERCOM BUZZES.]
Oh, uh, bu But, Dr.
Bellows, I-is it really almost? Hello.
Dr.
Bellows here.
Oh, uh Will you put it on hold, please? Dr.
Bellows, it's very important.
The payload will be dumped to test the reaction to the lunar environment.
But, sir, I-it's very important The safe contains things that an astronaut will need to sustain life.
So if you want the combination to that safe, it's really very simple.
All you have to do is be the first man on the moon.
[.]
[GRUNTS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hi.
Did you get the combination? No, Dr.
Bellows doesn't have it.
What do you mean he doesn't have it? He just doesn't have it.
Uh Uh, Jeannie, you're gonna have to get out by yourself.
Oh.
It is no use, master.
If you cannot open this safe, it is impossible.
I I am trapped.
It is just like putting the cork in my bottle.
That's a combination lock.
This shouldn't be hard to open.
By the time we figure out the combination, this safe is gonna be on its way to the moon.
Uh, J-Jeannie.
I-I want you to turn yourself to smoke.
Try getting out that way.
Oh.
Very well.
But I do not think it will work.
Uh, Jeannie, are you all right? [COUGHS.]
Yes.
But I am still here.
[JEANNIE COUGHING.]
I think we're in trouble.
There we are.
Yeah.
Give me the bag.
Yeah.
Sledgehammer.
Sledgehammer.
Oh Chisel.
Chisel, chisel.
Monkey wrench.
Monkey wrench.
And a crowbar.
[SIGHS.]
That ought to do it.
I don't know, Tony, that thing looked strong.
If that doesn't work, we get a blowtorch.
If that doesn't work Yeah? We're in trouble.
I bet Dr.
Bellows would give us the combination if he knew how important this was.
Yeah, how do we tell him? Well, we could walk up to him and tell him that we'd like to get inside the safe because there's a genie in there.
I I wonder w-where we can get a blowtorch this time of night.
Give me that.
[SIGHS.]
[RATTLES.]
Shh! Jeannie, are you there? [COUGHS.]
Yes, master.
L-look, don't Don't worry about a thing.
In a few minutes, we're gonna be having dinner at the Cocoa Beach Yacht Club.
Hurry, master.
When you hear some hammering, don't be frightened.
It's just us trying to break in.
Oh, I will not be frightened.
I have faith in you.
Hey, wait a minute, Roger.
Maybe this pamphlet has some construction details that will tell us the easiest way to get in.
Here.
It says the, uh "The moon safe is completely resistant to extremes of temperature and pressure.
" Yeah.
"A " "A unique" "A unique feature of the moon safe is the explosive device built into the walls.
" You hear that? Yeah.
"Should anyone dial incorrect numbers or attempt to break in, the explosive will be detonated, destroying the safe and the contents.
" Here goes.
No! Watch it.
[MUTTERS.]
What's the matter? What's the matter? You would have blown up the safe with Jeannie in it.
ROGER: What do you mean? What is happening, master? When are you going to start hammering? Uh, we're not gonna be able to break in, Jeannie.
The The safe will explode.
[SHRIEKS.]
JEANNIE: What are you going to do? Then how will you get me out of here? That's a good question.
We're gonna have to get professional advice.
Yeah, professional advice.
Hey, why don't we get a locksmith? We'll get a locksmith.
A locksmith.
No, no, a locksmith would ask too many questions.
Too many questions.
Uh A professional safecracker, that's what we need.
Yeah, a safecracker.
Yeah.
Where are we gonna get a safecracker? Um I I read about the police raiding a bar and grill that a lot of mobsters hang out at.
Uh The Pink Horse? The Pink Horse Bar and Grill.
Yeah.
That's where we're gonna get him.
Uh, Jeannie.
Jeannie, now Now, don't worry about a thing.
You just make yourself comfortable.
Uh, Roger and I are gonna go and get you a A professional safecracker.
Oh, be careful, master.
Safecrackers are dangerous criminals.
Hey, she's right.
The Pink Horse Bar and Grill.
That's where all the gangsters hang out.
Where do you expect to find a safecracker, the yellow pages? Come on.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Give a hand.
Give a hand, Where's? Shh! [CLATTERING.]
Shh! Well, here it is.
Is that you, master? Did you say something, Joe? Not me.
Come on.
Give me a hand with this.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
You know, I could've sworn somebody said, "Is that you, master?" Sure you did, Mike.
It's probably a little green moon man in the safe going home.
Okay.
It's good enough here.
All right.
Easy.
Easy.
[GROANS.]
There we are.
Oh.
Easy now.
Do you know what's kind of crazy? Mm-hm.
We can't cure a common cold.
But tomorrow morning this thing's gonna be on its way to the moon.
[MEN CHATTERING.]
[MEN CHATTERING.]
What'll it be, gents? Two beers heavy on the foam.
Right.
[IN MOBSTER ACCENT.]
We want a little information.
Look.
Why don't you guys just go on to your costume party? You could get hurt in here.
Listen.
Have you ever heard of the Atlantic City bank robbery? I ain't even heard of Atlantic City.
I guess you didn't hear about the robbery then, huh? Mm.
Good foam.
[TONY CLEARS THROAT.]
We're down from Chicago to do a job.
Do you have a can opener? A can opener? You know what we mean.
Yeah.
And we're willing to pay for it.
Oh.
Two bucks.
MAN: Hey.
Hey.
Hey! What's your bag, man? My bag? Bag.
Oh.
Um Well, uh, we're looking for What are you? Fuzz? Fuzz? Fuzz.
Oh, the police? No.
Do I look like a policeman? Well, uh You look like you're from an old TV movie.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Get a club.
Look busy.
Look busy.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Listen I give you a hundred dollars if you help me.
Try to look busy, try to look busy.
[SIGHS.]
Not bad for $2, huh? What? Give me that.
Try to look busy, will you? Yeah, look busy.
Yeah.
Look busy.
Professor, I'd like for you to meet Please.
No names.
It's a pleasure to meet you, professor.
Please.
No handshakes.
Charley, get me a stick.
A what? Charley! Here, professor.
Gentlemen.
Keep playing, keep playing, keep playing.
What can I do for you? Are you a safecracker? Professor's the best in the business.
[CHUCKLES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Charley here is one of my most ardent admirers.
[CHUCKLES.]
You say it to anybody, don't you, Charley? You'd even say it to the FBI.
Wouldn't you, Charley? [GROANS.]
Professor, they ain't no FBI.
They ain't no FBI.
Don't you think I can see that? TONY: Professor [BALLS CLACKING.]
We've got a job for you tonight.
Keep playing, keep playing.
What kind of a job? It's It's a safe.
Obviously.
What's in the safe? Well, it's a A jewel.
A rare jewel.
It's the only one of its kind in the world.
I'll say.
[GROANS.]
Where is this jewel? NASA.
The space agency?! Shh! The safe is guaranteed unopenable.
We have to do the job tonight because the safe is gonna be moved tomorrow morning.
P-p-professor, we can't pull a A job at NASA.
I mean, like Fort Knox, the place is guarded.
Charley, Charley, Charley.
Major Nelson and Major Healey both work for NASA.
I'm sure they'll arrange to find some way to get us in.
How did you know our names? I'm also a pickpocket.
Well, I'll be It's my watch.
Somebody's moved it.
It was right here.
Somebody's moved it.
Hey, what are you guys trying to pull? You don't think they loaded it already? No, of course not.
Here, look in the back.
Take that.
Professor, I told you, we shouldn't get mixed up with amateurs.
Relax, Charley.
They have got more to lose than we have.
I know where it is.
It's at the final assembly room.
It's on the tarmac.
Roger.
Come on.
Let's hurry.
I dropped the flashlight.
I'll get the flashlight.
You take 'em to the final assembly room.
Get the flashlight.
Sh! Where's that flashlight? Dr.
Bellows.
Did you lose this flashlight? Oh.
Yes.
Yes, sir.
Thank you.
I'm sure you have a reasonable explanation why you were crawling on the floor here instead of being in Rome on your vacation? Where you belong.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yes.
Yes, I do.
You don't have to tell me.
I don't? No.
I'll tell you.
You will? Mm.
You couldn't bear to go away and, um, not see the launching of the moonshot.
Yeah Well, the truth is, sir Uh, the truth is, I should have guessed it.
Uh, do you know your trouble, Major Nelson? What's that, sir? You're overconscientious.
Me? [CHUCKLES.]
But it's not going to go unrewarded.
Ahem.
Oh, well, that's very kind of you, sir.
You're gonna watch that launching from the control room.
I'm gonna watch it, sir? Oh I insist.
I insist.
I I have a plane You're going to sit right next to me.
Yeah, but, sir Ah, yes.
No, no, no, no, no.
And after the launching, I'm gonna put you on the plane Sir, it's very important that I go Come along.
Wait, sir.
Master? Where am I? In the final assembly room, dum-dum.
Oh.
Thank you.
Joe.
I'm hearing it again.
Hearing what? Voices.
Didn't you hear it? You mean the one that just said, "Where am I?" and then, "Thank you"? Mm-mm.
I didn't hear a thing.
Right.
Neither did I.
Oh.
What do you think it was? Probably some new secret weapon.
Boy, are those Russians gonna be in for a surprise.
That's it.
Let's go.
Now, wait a second, wait a second.
You don't expect us to work on that thing out in the open, do you? Oh, we have to.
In a few minutes that thing's gonna be shot to the moon.
Look, you stay here.
I'll go and see if the coast is clear.
Professor, I don't like it.
Look.
Even if we're able to get the jewel out of that safe I mean, if it is one of a kind we'll never be able to push it.
Very shrewd, Charley.
But you missed the crucial question.
Why would NASA want to shoot a rare precious stone to the moon? Yeah, that's right.
It's a phony.
So what are we standing here for? Why? Because whatever is in that safe Major Nelson and Major Healey are desperate to get it out.
And people don't get desperate over something of no value.
Ah.
That's why.
[WHISTLING.]
Jeannie.
Can you hear me? It's me, Roge.
Yes, Major Healey.
Two men moved me last night.
Where am I? The final assembly room.
Ready to be loaded on the moon rocket.
Do not worry.
Well, uh Uh, where is Major Nelson? I don't know.
Will he be on the rocket? No, just you and a bunch of equipment.
Well, then, I-I would like to get out, please.
Don't worry, Jeannie.
We got some experts working on it now.
MAN [ON RADIO.]
: Three-forty mark.
Usually we don't use MAN: Uh, status check? That is, Major Healey and Major Nelson [INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER.]
What's the matter with this thing any? What are they loading now? Let's see.
Number 12 meteorological survey monitor.
Uh, what number is that moon safe? Seventeen.
[SNAPS.]
I just remembered.
I gotta see somebody.
If you'll excuse me.
Aren't you waiting? Of course he is.
Oh.
Dr.
Bellows, I Major Nelson put off his vacation to watch this launching.
Uh, that's the kind of loyalty we get from our astronauts, congressman.
Well, that's very commendable, major.
Very commendable.
Tell me, son, how will you feel when you see that rocket lifting off its launch pad? I'd rather not try to describe my feelings, sir.
What are you doing, professor? I'm getting ready to open your safe.
ROGER: Don't touch PROFESSOR: Don't touch it? Oh.
If you dial the wrong combination, the whole safe will blow up.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
ROGER: Oh, let's hide.
Hide.
[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY.]
Oh.
What happened to the safe? The safe? What safe? Y The safe, sir.
The safe? Oh, the safe.
Oh, well, the safe was, uh It's over there.
It's way over there.
Oh.
Thank you, major.
Way over.
Way Well, it's not here.
What happened? There it is.
What? This.
There's the safe.
Oh, that safe.
Yeah.
You wanted that safe, yeah.
Well, carry on, men.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you, major.
Take care of that safe.
Bye.
Yeah.
Nice work.
All right, pull it up.
Get okay.
Do your best, Mike.
[MEN GRUNTING.]
[WHISPERS.]
Charley.
I've got an idea.
You feeling all right, major? TONY: Yes.
Yes, sir.
You know, I understand they keep you on a pretty short leash out here.
Make you watch your diets, regulate your sleep, cut down on your social life.
How do you feel about that? Oh, it It's a wonderful program, sir.
They They keep us in tiptop shape.
You don't look too well.
Here.
Thank you.
Congressman, hm-hm if you look at the monitor there, you'll see them loading the moon safe.
[SPITS.]
You all right, major? [GASPING.]
Yeah.
Tiptop shape.
[COUGHING.]
There it is, congressman.
CONGRESSMAN: So that's the famous moon safe.
BELLOWS: Well, there it goes.
They're loading it into the rocket.
Hm.
It'll be going off any minute now.
You know, it's remarkable how calm and collected you all stay.
I'm nervous as a cat.
[CRASH.]
Major Nelson! Major Nelson.
I thought you kept these astronauts in top physical condition? Oh, he's fine, congressman, I assure you.
Sit down, major.
Jeannie? Jean? I gotta get her out of there.
I gotta get her out of there! Jeannie! Major Nelson, where are you going? Jeannie! Major! Come back here, major! Stop them.
Gotta stop them.
MAN: Minus 10, nine, eight, seven, six CONGRESSMAN: That's Nelson! Five, four TONY: Stop the launch! Stop it! Stop that launch! Stop! [ENGINES ROARING.]
Goodbye, Jeannie.
Goodbye.
[.]
[.]