I Feel Bad (2018) s01e12 Episode Script
I Don't Know My Dad
1 I always know what my mom is thinking, because she tells me.
Do you want me to call FEMA to help with this disaster - you call a living room? - Okay.
But my dad is a mystery to me.
No matter what you ask, he always answers in short, vague phrases.
He's like a Magic 8-Ball.
- Hey, Dad, how you feeling? - Okie dokie.
How's retirement treating you? - Great.
- Quick question.
Do you believe in life after death? Ask again later.
Our dynamic has worked just fine for 40-somethin' years, until now.
See, Dad's been acting kind of strange lately, and because he's so closed-mouthed, I have no way of finding out why.
Hey, honey, do you think something's wrong with my dad? Yes, he's married to the Mother of Dragons.
No, I just mean that he's been kind of spacey lately, and he's never dressed like that before.
What's with that shirt? And those socks? You know, your mom did mention that he forgot to show up for a dinner with their friends last night, Maybe he was rummaging around in the attic, and found a parrot costume.
Okay, he just bit into an orange like it's an apple.
I am officially freaking out.
- Maybe that's an Indian thing.
- What? It's not, I'm Indian.
Have you ever seen me do that before? Sweetie, you're not Indian Indian.
- You weren't born in India.
- Okay.
You should be very glad that our family - does not have an HR person.
- Sweetie, I don't mean to alarm you, but your dad is getting older, and sometimes, when people get older, they get more eccentric.
My Aunt Muriel? With the cowboy hat? The woman's never been on a horse.
David's right.
My dad is getting older, and I don't even really know him.
I wish I could connect with him before I'm connecting him to life support.
[hip hop music.]
[groovy music.]
So what did you get up to this weekend, Griff? Video games, Grandma's funeral.
Oh, damn.
- What'd you play? - It's a new game.
- It's in beta.
- Wait, that's all you're gonna say about your grandmother's funeral? Well, what do you want to know? - I covered all the bases.
- Why don't men open up? First of all, we don't have as many holes as you, but Oh, God, somebody else answer.
I got this.
So the image of the strong, silent male is a fallacy created by Western civilization to justify the distance of the remote father-god.
That holes theory is starting to sound pretty good now, huh? It's just My dad's getting older, and he's just not acting like himself lately.
Maybe I've just missed the chance to really know him.
- What's he been doing? - Dressing fancy for no reason.
Oh, and the other day, he had plans with my mom, and just never showed up.
Part of me is worried.
I mean, maybe these - are the first signs of - Banging someone else? What? Ew, no.
I have to agree with Griff.
When my father cheated, he started wearing fancy clothes.
I thought we were going to a play.
It turns out the real drama was inside the house.
Okay, guys, stop.
He's not having an affair.
He's not the kind of man that would do that.
Are you sure? I mean, you just said - you don't really know him.
- [sharp inhale.]
This is getting really heavy.
I got to go anyways.
Gotta scatter Granny's ashes.
Later, skaters.
- All right, have fun.
- Oh.
Kay Are the guys right? Is my dad capable of stepping out on my mom? Hello, Mr.
Tongs.
Madame Corkscrew, we meet at last.
Yeah, this guy is not having sex with anybody.
Wait, he's drinking wine? My dad only drinks wine when he's trying to impress white people.
Oh, fruity, spicy.
[sniffs.]
And what a body, hm? David, David, come here.
Do you think that my dad's acting weird because he's having an affair? [laughs.]
Come on.
What would make you say that? Oh, the last time I felt like this - I was falling in love - Wow.
- Yeah.
- Okay, you know what, let's not jump to any conclusions.
This is a man who left halfway through a haircut because a shampoo lady's boob grazed his head.
You're right.
He's never done a questionable thing in his life.
I should trust him.
But I won't, 'cause maybe he got a taste of head boob, and he's hungry for more.
[gasps.]
Is he wearing new Hush Puppies? Oh, his ass is up to something.
[screams, sighs.]
Damn it.
[sighs.]
Okay, okay, okay, I know what this looks like, but Wait, why am I defending myself? - You're spying on my dad, too! - I'm not spying on your dad.
I am spying on you 'cause I could tell when I was said "don't do anything," your mouth was saying "okay," but your eyes were saying "[bleep.]
you.
" Okay, all right, just get in before you blow our cover.
- Oh, we're going undercover? - Yes.
I like it.
I can do that.
Wait, what is he doing? Is he buying flowers? - Yeah.
- My dad doesn't buy flowers.
He steals them from neighbors' yards.
I'm not getting a good read.
Give me the binoculars.
I don't have binoculars.
What? You call yourself a detective? No, I didn't call myself a detective.
It sounds like you're calling yourself a detective.
Yes, we are partner detectives.
The sexual tension is crazy.
I mean, this could spin into role-play later, right? No, David, we're not going to be sexy detectives.
Now, listen.
Get out of the car, head to the gyro stand so we can keep eyes on the perp.
That cop talk is hot.
- No, we got to go.
- Okay.
But let's circle back to this.
Yeah.
Come on, come on.
He just spent 60 bucks on roses.
Okay, maybe they're for my mom.
No way, man.
Those are mistress roses.
Wife roses cost five bucks from Trader Joe's.
Okay, listen.
This'll be easy to figure out.
If my mom gets those flowers later, everything's good.
And if she doesn't, then she'll be destroyed and probably move in with us forever.
David and I had carefully orchestrated the most subtle way to broach the topic of the flowers.
So, Maya, get any flowers lately or? That was not it.
God, he sucks at this.
No, thank God.
Flowers are for bees and dead people.
It's true, she says flowers are just plants - that are showing off.
- And there's our answer.
The flowers weren't for my mom.
This sweet woman is being cheated on, and so late in life.
Hey, Mommy? You doing okay? Is there anything I can do for you? Do you have any Pellegrino to wash down your chalky meatloaf? - No.
- Then why you bothering me? Maya, let me see if I can find you something fizzy, okay? Emet, could you give me a little help in the kitchen? [groovy music.]
Oh, let's get something to drink.
- Is there any juice in here? - Nope, nothing.
- Okay.
- We have to do something.
Yes, we do.
We have to stop meddling right now.
- What? - It is it is wrong.
It is their marriage.
It is their problem to work out.
You got to promise me you're not gonna follow him anymore.
I mean, who knows? Maybe this is okay with your mom.
Maybe they have an open relationship.
Oh, thank you for that soothing thought.
I'm gonna go wash down a pill with a glass of wine.
[groovy music.]
Hey, you guys, you were right.
- My dad may be having an affair.
- Yes, we're always right.
What are you doing? Hey, hey, stop dancing.
Focus, listen to me.
So I promised David that I would not follow my dad anymore, but I never said anything about cyber-stalking.
- So help me out, creeps.
- Well, if your dad's cheating, he's down for more cheating.
His scumbag window is wide open.
- Repulsive, continue.
- What you gotta do is a little something called catfishing.
You know what that is? What you do is you create a fake profile of some hot older babe, and then, you lure your dad in with some sexy talk.
- Oh, that's good.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, okay, okay, let me try this.
- Uh, I am Claire - Yes.
- St.
Croix! - Nice, she sounds filthy.
- She sounds like a dead nun.
- Okay, whatever, nerd.
This is happening.
Okay, Claire St.
Croix is a 60-something buxom widow who just joined my dad's active senior group.
Friendship request sent.
Oh, God, I want to throw up.
- Bam.
Okay! - [computer chimes.]
What? He accepted already? God, my dad is a slut.
Okay, let me take the wheel here.
Okay, yeah, I'll dictate.
Let me get in the mindset of a buxom widow.
Uh, okay, okay.
[southern accent.]
Howdy, the passing of my husband has left my heart as heavy as my breasts.
[normal voice.]
Oh, my God, no.
- That is weird.
- So relax, heavy boobs.
Claire already sent your daddy a message.
What? You did? "You are cute.
Are you single? Would you like to go to winky-face dinner?" Winky-face, Griff? My God, my dad is a distinguished, classy man.
He's not going to fall for some dumb winky Oh, my God, he's replying.
Okay, tell me what he said.
No, don't tell me what he said.
Don't worry, okay? He said he's flattered, but he loves his beautiful wife, Maya.
See, this is the your dad that I know.
And he said he'll chat with you later.
He's got to go to art class, and he sent a copy of a painting that he did in case Claire wants to sign up.
- Huh? - Seniors get 20% off.
The roses he bought! Oh! He wasn't having an affair.
Wait, he painted that? And he's taking an art class? I mean, I'm an artist, and he never even mentioned that he was interested in those things.
- Okay, you know what, move over.
- Yeah.
I can catfish my own dad.
So Claire St.
Croix started having the kind of amazing, profound conversation with my father that I never could.
Turns out that art class made him feel alive again.
That's why he was dressing colorfully, daydreaming, and drinking wine.
- Hey, we're going to head out.
- Huh? Oh, guys, listen to this.
My dad studied art in India, and he loved Kandinsky, too.
That's my favorite artist, but we've never talked about it.
Well, we'll just leave you to fall head over heels for your own dad.
You know this is all really weird? - And that's coming from me.
- Okay.
Oh.
My dad and Claire are talking about their marriages.
Claire's husband was killed by a foul ball at an Astros game.
She misses him, blah, blah, blah.
- [phone chimes.]
- Now, Claire gets to ask Sonny about his marriage, and boy, did I want to know the truth about that.
- Hey.
- Hi.
You know what I was just thinking? If I found out that my dad was cheating, - I would be beside myself.
- Yeah.
Anyway, how are you holding up? Fine.
By the way, we were way off about my dad and the cheating.
Yeah, the flowers were just for an art class.
But don't ask him about it.
He's just super shy - about that stuff, so.
- [phone chimes.]
Yeah, I get that, super shy.
I mean, I was super shy when I started taking cardio boxing, but now I can knock anyone out to the tune - of "Walking on Broken Glass.
" - [phone chimes.]
- Who are you messaging? - W work, work.
But you know, you make a good point.
I should just put the phone away, and just, you know, take Jake to the park.
He's been asking for more Mommy time.
I'm pretty sure I just saw him chewing on his fist, so I think he's actually asking for dinner time.
Okay, so you know the secret language of babies now? Wow, David, you know, there is a maternal bond, and it started when we shared the same body.
No, no, no.
Fine, go, go, go, go.
- You should go.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Sorry.
My dad's really opening up to Claire, so I'm taking the opportunity to ask him things I've always wondered about.
[southern accent.]
"You speak so lovingly of your wife, yet she sounds like a let's just say, firecracker.
What do you see in her?" - [phone chimes.]
- LOL.
When we were expecting our first child, and struggling to make ends meet, I couldn't risk being fired, or we wouldn't have been allowed to stay in the country.
We had no family here, and no friends, and I couldn't take a single day off.
So Maya gave birth to both our children alone.
There's no one stronger than my wife.
Also, she's a total smoke-show.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I get why he loves his crazy, crazy wife.
Oh, God, yours is married, too? They're never gonna leave their wives, are they? No, it's not what you think.
I'm not cheating.
I just want to get intimate with my dad.
Okay.
[groovy music.]
Honey, come on.
You've been in there like, a half an hour.
Yeah, no, sorry.
Still waxing.
I'm waging a war against my body here, you know what I mean? Life's harder for me.
- Double standards.
- Okay, sorry.
You topple the patriarchy.
It's all yours.
Since I can't tell my dad how I feel, maybe Claire can.
[southern accent.]
I wish my father had talked to me more growing up.
He drove a fan boat on the bayou until a gator snatched his cousin.
My father never spoke again, so I don't feel like I really knew him.
Googaloo, who are you talking to? Oh, I'm chit-chatting with my online friend, Claire St.
Croix.
She's had a tough go of it.
Her husband was killed by a foul ball.
I wish I knew my father more, too.
But I left home and came to America when I was 23.
You were so young.
That must have been scary.
It was also exciting.
I was an art student with a beautiful young wife who even let me draw her naked once.
Oh, okay.
Repress that thought.
I missed my family, but I was going to establish myself and eventually bring my parents over.
Sounds like you were a good son.
Well, not really.
My father died before I could do it.
Heart attack.
Oh, don't cry on this toilet, Emet.
You know it wasn't your fault, right? Of course it was.
I pursued my selfish interests instead of taking a real job and saving up to bring my father here sooner, but I learned my lesson.
I had a wife with a child on the way, and I wasn't going to let them down, too.
So I took a job in manufacturing and stayed in it for 40 dull years.
At least I got out of there with both my hands, which is more than my friend, Leon, can say.
LOL, two thumbs up.
I thought my dad liked his job.
- He always seemed so happy.
- [knocking.]
Sweetie, you can have the bathroom.
I used some "Paw Patrol" toothpaste to brush.
- I'll see you in the morning.
- Okay, I love you.
Goodnight, it's going to be a while.
I've got so much hair.
[softly.]
What? I really don't mean to put this all on you, but you're the only person I can talk to right now.
[sighs.]
I just found out all this stuff about my dad, and there's just one question that I'm scared to ask him.
Should I just do it? You are so wise.
I'm gonna ask him.
[southern accent.]
Do you think you've had a good life? I don't have the life I dreamed of as a young man.
I've achieved none of the goals I set out to do, and sometimes, I feel disappointed by that.
Ouch, looking for a qualifier.
But seeing my daughter pursue her art fills me with more pride than I ever would have felt achieving that dream for myself.
[crying, sniffles.]
- Oh.
- [sobbing.]
Honey, what's wrong? [dynamic music.]
I have nothing to wear.
Please don't make me say "PMS.
" I was having so many new feelings about my father because of our online relationship, it was hard to keep them from bleeding into our real life relationship.
- Emet? - Yes? - I love - I love you too, Daddy.
Oh, okie dokie.
I was going to say I love these potatoes, - but sure, same here.
- Oh, okay.
You know what? Don't be shy.
There's plenty more.
- Just going to - Hey, my mound.
You do not want to play this game.
Oh, and Daddy, I made you a batch of your favorite cookies, okay? So after dinner, you can take them to the couch and watch TV.
But you said no cookies past that line.
Yeah, you got on your knees, and you pointed to that crack right there.
I know I did, but you know what? What's a few crumbs? They will be falling from the mouth of a great man.
[voice breaking.]
Excuse me.
Psst, ask her for anything you want.
I don't know why, but this is a special day.
Come on.
Have you noticed? Emet's acting strange.
You know, she actually baked, and she never does that.
We use our oven is our pots and pans drawer.
This is much bigger than burnt cookies, man.
- Shh, shh.
- So sorry.
Just See, she's always on the phone like some teenager, sniggling and giggling.
She's up to something.
Looks like Detective Dave has another case.
[groovy music.]
- Griff.
- What? I wanted to get you something for your grandmother's passing, but then, I realized I didn't even know what your grandmother meant to you.
She meant five bucks on my birthday, bitch.
- That's it.
- See, we spend all day together, but there's still so much we don't know about each other.
I think Emet's dad isn't the only man who's having trouble sharing his emotions.
We share personal stuff, yeah.
Like the other day, we were talking about how you're a dookie-blaster.
- [laughs.]
- Classic male posturing.
Look, this is the sharing stapler, and whoever has it can share their truth without judgment.
I'll go first.
Growing up with two mothers has made me hold women to a higher standard, and sometimes, I feel like no one will live up to my expectations.
I'm afraid of ending up alone.
You should use that stapler to staple on some balls.
Okay, well, at least I had the balls to be honest about how I was feeling.
- Now, who's next? - Uh, okay.
Um, the other day, I had to have dental surgery, and you were both too busy to pick me up.
I had to pretend that the Uber driver was my best friend.
What? Man, I like this sharing stapler.
- It's giving me a lot of ammo.
- I dare you to take it.
But you won't.
You know why? - Chicken, he's chicken.
- Give it to me.
[stapler clicks.]
When I was six, once, my grandma [sobs.]
My grandma [sobs.]
[groovy music.]
Are you looking for this, Miss St Croix? J'accuse! I unlocked your phone.
- I can explain.
- Would the explanation be that you were pretending to be a buxom New Orleans widow to catfish your dad? That is incredibly accurate.
Look, I have never heard my father share his feelings like he does with Claire.
I know what I am doing is questionable, but I've also never felt closer to my father.
Who am I really even hurting here? - [phone chimes.]
- There's your dad now.
Okay.
He's falling in love with you.
What? "Miss St.
Croix, talking to you "the past few days has been a revelation.
"When we started this, you asked if I'd "be interested in intimacy.
The answer now is yes.
"Will you meet me? All I can think about is kissing your soft lips.
" Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, David, I seduced my father.
- Oh, this is bad.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, Dad, I can't explain to you why I know what's happening, but you can't do this.
Oh, come on.
It's no big deal.
They're a billion-dollar company.
We can share a Netflix password.
No, no, not that.
I know you think you wanna have an affair with Claire St.
Croix, but you don't, because I'm Claire St.
Croix.
No crap, Matlock.
We set you up, baby.
Yeah, we figured it out when Claire sent me this message.
"Tell me more about your obviously talented "and ambitious daughter, who really does do it all even though it's hard.
" Okay, look, I'm sorry I deceived you, but we never talk.
- Okie dokie.
- No-kie dokie.
Talk to me.
Dad If you wanted to know things, you could have asked me.
I'll tell you everything you did to ruin my life.
You were born two weeks early.
I was at the opera, holding you in like a hot watermelon.
Yeah, Mom, I know the story, okay? I get your birthday cards.
[door opens.]
The Internet was a safe place until you came along.
"60 Minutes" warned me about this.
I know what I did was wrong, but you shared all those personal stories with Claire.
How come you don't share any of them with me? What do you want to know? How much I regret not being there when my father passed away? How guilty I felt going off to work long hours knowing my wife was home alone, a stranger in this country? Yeah, along those lines.
Also, maybe what movies you like.
Emet, those feelings are mine.
I didn't keep things from you because I don't want to be close.
I kept them from you because I didn't want to burden you.
I thought I was protecting you, and now you're telling me that I was wrong.
No, no, Dad, not wrong.
Just kind of old school.
And it just keeps me from getting to know you.
First of all, that's my favorite movie.
"Old School.
" What a romp.
Secondly, you do know me.
I'm a happy person because I don't dwell on those dark moments.
I'm sorry if somehow, that makes me a bad father.
It doesn't.
You're a very good father.
Then, please, accept me for how I am, even if it's hard for you because what you want me to do, that's very hard for me.
[exhales.]
Hey, do you want to go watch "Old School?" Okie dokie.
- Can one of you spot me? - Oh.
[groovy music.]
Hey.
- Hey.
- [softly.]
Hey.
Griff, you have nothing to be ashamed of.
Oh, hard disagree on that one, man.
I'm pretty much just full of shame.
[blows raspberry.]
That's the highest I've been able to hold my head up in two days.
Ashamed? Ashamed of what? I think when a person exposes his innermost Innermost? Exposes his innermost.
[laughs.]
What, is that is that where your dookie comes from? Yeah, yeah, what is that, like, uh, where you keep your farts, Norman? And we're back.
Retreat into your dark caves of pathetic masculinity.
- Hey, thanks, man.
- Aw, that's no problem, man.
And what does he know about masculinity? What do you know about masculinity, you know? The other day when you were [high-pitched whining.]
[bleep.]
you, Chewy! Don't you ever imitate me like that ever again.
- What? Bitch.
- [shudders.]
I realized I couldn't change my dad, but I could break the cycle and make sure my kids felt like they knew their parents.
Lil, Lou, your dad and I want you to know that if there have ever been questions that you've felt too scared or uncomfortable to ask, it's okay.
You can ask us anything.
- We are an open book.
- Yeah.
- So we can ask anything? - Anything, fire away.
How come you guys had Jake? It seems like he might've been an accident.
Okie dokie, let us know if you think of anything.
And that's how you score screen time.
Do you want me to call FEMA to help with this disaster - you call a living room? - Okay.
But my dad is a mystery to me.
No matter what you ask, he always answers in short, vague phrases.
He's like a Magic 8-Ball.
- Hey, Dad, how you feeling? - Okie dokie.
How's retirement treating you? - Great.
- Quick question.
Do you believe in life after death? Ask again later.
Our dynamic has worked just fine for 40-somethin' years, until now.
See, Dad's been acting kind of strange lately, and because he's so closed-mouthed, I have no way of finding out why.
Hey, honey, do you think something's wrong with my dad? Yes, he's married to the Mother of Dragons.
No, I just mean that he's been kind of spacey lately, and he's never dressed like that before.
What's with that shirt? And those socks? You know, your mom did mention that he forgot to show up for a dinner with their friends last night, Maybe he was rummaging around in the attic, and found a parrot costume.
Okay, he just bit into an orange like it's an apple.
I am officially freaking out.
- Maybe that's an Indian thing.
- What? It's not, I'm Indian.
Have you ever seen me do that before? Sweetie, you're not Indian Indian.
- You weren't born in India.
- Okay.
You should be very glad that our family - does not have an HR person.
- Sweetie, I don't mean to alarm you, but your dad is getting older, and sometimes, when people get older, they get more eccentric.
My Aunt Muriel? With the cowboy hat? The woman's never been on a horse.
David's right.
My dad is getting older, and I don't even really know him.
I wish I could connect with him before I'm connecting him to life support.
[hip hop music.]
[groovy music.]
So what did you get up to this weekend, Griff? Video games, Grandma's funeral.
Oh, damn.
- What'd you play? - It's a new game.
- It's in beta.
- Wait, that's all you're gonna say about your grandmother's funeral? Well, what do you want to know? - I covered all the bases.
- Why don't men open up? First of all, we don't have as many holes as you, but Oh, God, somebody else answer.
I got this.
So the image of the strong, silent male is a fallacy created by Western civilization to justify the distance of the remote father-god.
That holes theory is starting to sound pretty good now, huh? It's just My dad's getting older, and he's just not acting like himself lately.
Maybe I've just missed the chance to really know him.
- What's he been doing? - Dressing fancy for no reason.
Oh, and the other day, he had plans with my mom, and just never showed up.
Part of me is worried.
I mean, maybe these - are the first signs of - Banging someone else? What? Ew, no.
I have to agree with Griff.
When my father cheated, he started wearing fancy clothes.
I thought we were going to a play.
It turns out the real drama was inside the house.
Okay, guys, stop.
He's not having an affair.
He's not the kind of man that would do that.
Are you sure? I mean, you just said - you don't really know him.
- [sharp inhale.]
This is getting really heavy.
I got to go anyways.
Gotta scatter Granny's ashes.
Later, skaters.
- All right, have fun.
- Oh.
Kay Are the guys right? Is my dad capable of stepping out on my mom? Hello, Mr.
Tongs.
Madame Corkscrew, we meet at last.
Yeah, this guy is not having sex with anybody.
Wait, he's drinking wine? My dad only drinks wine when he's trying to impress white people.
Oh, fruity, spicy.
[sniffs.]
And what a body, hm? David, David, come here.
Do you think that my dad's acting weird because he's having an affair? [laughs.]
Come on.
What would make you say that? Oh, the last time I felt like this - I was falling in love - Wow.
- Yeah.
- Okay, you know what, let's not jump to any conclusions.
This is a man who left halfway through a haircut because a shampoo lady's boob grazed his head.
You're right.
He's never done a questionable thing in his life.
I should trust him.
But I won't, 'cause maybe he got a taste of head boob, and he's hungry for more.
[gasps.]
Is he wearing new Hush Puppies? Oh, his ass is up to something.
[screams, sighs.]
Damn it.
[sighs.]
Okay, okay, okay, I know what this looks like, but Wait, why am I defending myself? - You're spying on my dad, too! - I'm not spying on your dad.
I am spying on you 'cause I could tell when I was said "don't do anything," your mouth was saying "okay," but your eyes were saying "[bleep.]
you.
" Okay, all right, just get in before you blow our cover.
- Oh, we're going undercover? - Yes.
I like it.
I can do that.
Wait, what is he doing? Is he buying flowers? - Yeah.
- My dad doesn't buy flowers.
He steals them from neighbors' yards.
I'm not getting a good read.
Give me the binoculars.
I don't have binoculars.
What? You call yourself a detective? No, I didn't call myself a detective.
It sounds like you're calling yourself a detective.
Yes, we are partner detectives.
The sexual tension is crazy.
I mean, this could spin into role-play later, right? No, David, we're not going to be sexy detectives.
Now, listen.
Get out of the car, head to the gyro stand so we can keep eyes on the perp.
That cop talk is hot.
- No, we got to go.
- Okay.
But let's circle back to this.
Yeah.
Come on, come on.
He just spent 60 bucks on roses.
Okay, maybe they're for my mom.
No way, man.
Those are mistress roses.
Wife roses cost five bucks from Trader Joe's.
Okay, listen.
This'll be easy to figure out.
If my mom gets those flowers later, everything's good.
And if she doesn't, then she'll be destroyed and probably move in with us forever.
David and I had carefully orchestrated the most subtle way to broach the topic of the flowers.
So, Maya, get any flowers lately or? That was not it.
God, he sucks at this.
No, thank God.
Flowers are for bees and dead people.
It's true, she says flowers are just plants - that are showing off.
- And there's our answer.
The flowers weren't for my mom.
This sweet woman is being cheated on, and so late in life.
Hey, Mommy? You doing okay? Is there anything I can do for you? Do you have any Pellegrino to wash down your chalky meatloaf? - No.
- Then why you bothering me? Maya, let me see if I can find you something fizzy, okay? Emet, could you give me a little help in the kitchen? [groovy music.]
Oh, let's get something to drink.
- Is there any juice in here? - Nope, nothing.
- Okay.
- We have to do something.
Yes, we do.
We have to stop meddling right now.
- What? - It is it is wrong.
It is their marriage.
It is their problem to work out.
You got to promise me you're not gonna follow him anymore.
I mean, who knows? Maybe this is okay with your mom.
Maybe they have an open relationship.
Oh, thank you for that soothing thought.
I'm gonna go wash down a pill with a glass of wine.
[groovy music.]
Hey, you guys, you were right.
- My dad may be having an affair.
- Yes, we're always right.
What are you doing? Hey, hey, stop dancing.
Focus, listen to me.
So I promised David that I would not follow my dad anymore, but I never said anything about cyber-stalking.
- So help me out, creeps.
- Well, if your dad's cheating, he's down for more cheating.
His scumbag window is wide open.
- Repulsive, continue.
- What you gotta do is a little something called catfishing.
You know what that is? What you do is you create a fake profile of some hot older babe, and then, you lure your dad in with some sexy talk.
- Oh, that's good.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, okay, okay, let me try this.
- Uh, I am Claire - Yes.
- St.
Croix! - Nice, she sounds filthy.
- She sounds like a dead nun.
- Okay, whatever, nerd.
This is happening.
Okay, Claire St.
Croix is a 60-something buxom widow who just joined my dad's active senior group.
Friendship request sent.
Oh, God, I want to throw up.
- Bam.
Okay! - [computer chimes.]
What? He accepted already? God, my dad is a slut.
Okay, let me take the wheel here.
Okay, yeah, I'll dictate.
Let me get in the mindset of a buxom widow.
Uh, okay, okay.
[southern accent.]
Howdy, the passing of my husband has left my heart as heavy as my breasts.
[normal voice.]
Oh, my God, no.
- That is weird.
- So relax, heavy boobs.
Claire already sent your daddy a message.
What? You did? "You are cute.
Are you single? Would you like to go to winky-face dinner?" Winky-face, Griff? My God, my dad is a distinguished, classy man.
He's not going to fall for some dumb winky Oh, my God, he's replying.
Okay, tell me what he said.
No, don't tell me what he said.
Don't worry, okay? He said he's flattered, but he loves his beautiful wife, Maya.
See, this is the your dad that I know.
And he said he'll chat with you later.
He's got to go to art class, and he sent a copy of a painting that he did in case Claire wants to sign up.
- Huh? - Seniors get 20% off.
The roses he bought! Oh! He wasn't having an affair.
Wait, he painted that? And he's taking an art class? I mean, I'm an artist, and he never even mentioned that he was interested in those things.
- Okay, you know what, move over.
- Yeah.
I can catfish my own dad.
So Claire St.
Croix started having the kind of amazing, profound conversation with my father that I never could.
Turns out that art class made him feel alive again.
That's why he was dressing colorfully, daydreaming, and drinking wine.
- Hey, we're going to head out.
- Huh? Oh, guys, listen to this.
My dad studied art in India, and he loved Kandinsky, too.
That's my favorite artist, but we've never talked about it.
Well, we'll just leave you to fall head over heels for your own dad.
You know this is all really weird? - And that's coming from me.
- Okay.
Oh.
My dad and Claire are talking about their marriages.
Claire's husband was killed by a foul ball at an Astros game.
She misses him, blah, blah, blah.
- [phone chimes.]
- Now, Claire gets to ask Sonny about his marriage, and boy, did I want to know the truth about that.
- Hey.
- Hi.
You know what I was just thinking? If I found out that my dad was cheating, - I would be beside myself.
- Yeah.
Anyway, how are you holding up? Fine.
By the way, we were way off about my dad and the cheating.
Yeah, the flowers were just for an art class.
But don't ask him about it.
He's just super shy - about that stuff, so.
- [phone chimes.]
Yeah, I get that, super shy.
I mean, I was super shy when I started taking cardio boxing, but now I can knock anyone out to the tune - of "Walking on Broken Glass.
" - [phone chimes.]
- Who are you messaging? - W work, work.
But you know, you make a good point.
I should just put the phone away, and just, you know, take Jake to the park.
He's been asking for more Mommy time.
I'm pretty sure I just saw him chewing on his fist, so I think he's actually asking for dinner time.
Okay, so you know the secret language of babies now? Wow, David, you know, there is a maternal bond, and it started when we shared the same body.
No, no, no.
Fine, go, go, go, go.
- You should go.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Sorry.
My dad's really opening up to Claire, so I'm taking the opportunity to ask him things I've always wondered about.
[southern accent.]
"You speak so lovingly of your wife, yet she sounds like a let's just say, firecracker.
What do you see in her?" - [phone chimes.]
- LOL.
When we were expecting our first child, and struggling to make ends meet, I couldn't risk being fired, or we wouldn't have been allowed to stay in the country.
We had no family here, and no friends, and I couldn't take a single day off.
So Maya gave birth to both our children alone.
There's no one stronger than my wife.
Also, she's a total smoke-show.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I get why he loves his crazy, crazy wife.
Oh, God, yours is married, too? They're never gonna leave their wives, are they? No, it's not what you think.
I'm not cheating.
I just want to get intimate with my dad.
Okay.
[groovy music.]
Honey, come on.
You've been in there like, a half an hour.
Yeah, no, sorry.
Still waxing.
I'm waging a war against my body here, you know what I mean? Life's harder for me.
- Double standards.
- Okay, sorry.
You topple the patriarchy.
It's all yours.
Since I can't tell my dad how I feel, maybe Claire can.
[southern accent.]
I wish my father had talked to me more growing up.
He drove a fan boat on the bayou until a gator snatched his cousin.
My father never spoke again, so I don't feel like I really knew him.
Googaloo, who are you talking to? Oh, I'm chit-chatting with my online friend, Claire St.
Croix.
She's had a tough go of it.
Her husband was killed by a foul ball.
I wish I knew my father more, too.
But I left home and came to America when I was 23.
You were so young.
That must have been scary.
It was also exciting.
I was an art student with a beautiful young wife who even let me draw her naked once.
Oh, okay.
Repress that thought.
I missed my family, but I was going to establish myself and eventually bring my parents over.
Sounds like you were a good son.
Well, not really.
My father died before I could do it.
Heart attack.
Oh, don't cry on this toilet, Emet.
You know it wasn't your fault, right? Of course it was.
I pursued my selfish interests instead of taking a real job and saving up to bring my father here sooner, but I learned my lesson.
I had a wife with a child on the way, and I wasn't going to let them down, too.
So I took a job in manufacturing and stayed in it for 40 dull years.
At least I got out of there with both my hands, which is more than my friend, Leon, can say.
LOL, two thumbs up.
I thought my dad liked his job.
- He always seemed so happy.
- [knocking.]
Sweetie, you can have the bathroom.
I used some "Paw Patrol" toothpaste to brush.
- I'll see you in the morning.
- Okay, I love you.
Goodnight, it's going to be a while.
I've got so much hair.
[softly.]
What? I really don't mean to put this all on you, but you're the only person I can talk to right now.
[sighs.]
I just found out all this stuff about my dad, and there's just one question that I'm scared to ask him.
Should I just do it? You are so wise.
I'm gonna ask him.
[southern accent.]
Do you think you've had a good life? I don't have the life I dreamed of as a young man.
I've achieved none of the goals I set out to do, and sometimes, I feel disappointed by that.
Ouch, looking for a qualifier.
But seeing my daughter pursue her art fills me with more pride than I ever would have felt achieving that dream for myself.
[crying, sniffles.]
- Oh.
- [sobbing.]
Honey, what's wrong? [dynamic music.]
I have nothing to wear.
Please don't make me say "PMS.
" I was having so many new feelings about my father because of our online relationship, it was hard to keep them from bleeding into our real life relationship.
- Emet? - Yes? - I love - I love you too, Daddy.
Oh, okie dokie.
I was going to say I love these potatoes, - but sure, same here.
- Oh, okay.
You know what? Don't be shy.
There's plenty more.
- Just going to - Hey, my mound.
You do not want to play this game.
Oh, and Daddy, I made you a batch of your favorite cookies, okay? So after dinner, you can take them to the couch and watch TV.
But you said no cookies past that line.
Yeah, you got on your knees, and you pointed to that crack right there.
I know I did, but you know what? What's a few crumbs? They will be falling from the mouth of a great man.
[voice breaking.]
Excuse me.
Psst, ask her for anything you want.
I don't know why, but this is a special day.
Come on.
Have you noticed? Emet's acting strange.
You know, she actually baked, and she never does that.
We use our oven is our pots and pans drawer.
This is much bigger than burnt cookies, man.
- Shh, shh.
- So sorry.
Just See, she's always on the phone like some teenager, sniggling and giggling.
She's up to something.
Looks like Detective Dave has another case.
[groovy music.]
- Griff.
- What? I wanted to get you something for your grandmother's passing, but then, I realized I didn't even know what your grandmother meant to you.
She meant five bucks on my birthday, bitch.
- That's it.
- See, we spend all day together, but there's still so much we don't know about each other.
I think Emet's dad isn't the only man who's having trouble sharing his emotions.
We share personal stuff, yeah.
Like the other day, we were talking about how you're a dookie-blaster.
- [laughs.]
- Classic male posturing.
Look, this is the sharing stapler, and whoever has it can share their truth without judgment.
I'll go first.
Growing up with two mothers has made me hold women to a higher standard, and sometimes, I feel like no one will live up to my expectations.
I'm afraid of ending up alone.
You should use that stapler to staple on some balls.
Okay, well, at least I had the balls to be honest about how I was feeling.
- Now, who's next? - Uh, okay.
Um, the other day, I had to have dental surgery, and you were both too busy to pick me up.
I had to pretend that the Uber driver was my best friend.
What? Man, I like this sharing stapler.
- It's giving me a lot of ammo.
- I dare you to take it.
But you won't.
You know why? - Chicken, he's chicken.
- Give it to me.
[stapler clicks.]
When I was six, once, my grandma [sobs.]
My grandma [sobs.]
[groovy music.]
Are you looking for this, Miss St Croix? J'accuse! I unlocked your phone.
- I can explain.
- Would the explanation be that you were pretending to be a buxom New Orleans widow to catfish your dad? That is incredibly accurate.
Look, I have never heard my father share his feelings like he does with Claire.
I know what I am doing is questionable, but I've also never felt closer to my father.
Who am I really even hurting here? - [phone chimes.]
- There's your dad now.
Okay.
He's falling in love with you.
What? "Miss St.
Croix, talking to you "the past few days has been a revelation.
"When we started this, you asked if I'd "be interested in intimacy.
The answer now is yes.
"Will you meet me? All I can think about is kissing your soft lips.
" Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, David, I seduced my father.
- Oh, this is bad.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, Dad, I can't explain to you why I know what's happening, but you can't do this.
Oh, come on.
It's no big deal.
They're a billion-dollar company.
We can share a Netflix password.
No, no, not that.
I know you think you wanna have an affair with Claire St.
Croix, but you don't, because I'm Claire St.
Croix.
No crap, Matlock.
We set you up, baby.
Yeah, we figured it out when Claire sent me this message.
"Tell me more about your obviously talented "and ambitious daughter, who really does do it all even though it's hard.
" Okay, look, I'm sorry I deceived you, but we never talk.
- Okie dokie.
- No-kie dokie.
Talk to me.
Dad If you wanted to know things, you could have asked me.
I'll tell you everything you did to ruin my life.
You were born two weeks early.
I was at the opera, holding you in like a hot watermelon.
Yeah, Mom, I know the story, okay? I get your birthday cards.
[door opens.]
The Internet was a safe place until you came along.
"60 Minutes" warned me about this.
I know what I did was wrong, but you shared all those personal stories with Claire.
How come you don't share any of them with me? What do you want to know? How much I regret not being there when my father passed away? How guilty I felt going off to work long hours knowing my wife was home alone, a stranger in this country? Yeah, along those lines.
Also, maybe what movies you like.
Emet, those feelings are mine.
I didn't keep things from you because I don't want to be close.
I kept them from you because I didn't want to burden you.
I thought I was protecting you, and now you're telling me that I was wrong.
No, no, Dad, not wrong.
Just kind of old school.
And it just keeps me from getting to know you.
First of all, that's my favorite movie.
"Old School.
" What a romp.
Secondly, you do know me.
I'm a happy person because I don't dwell on those dark moments.
I'm sorry if somehow, that makes me a bad father.
It doesn't.
You're a very good father.
Then, please, accept me for how I am, even if it's hard for you because what you want me to do, that's very hard for me.
[exhales.]
Hey, do you want to go watch "Old School?" Okie dokie.
- Can one of you spot me? - Oh.
[groovy music.]
Hey.
- Hey.
- [softly.]
Hey.
Griff, you have nothing to be ashamed of.
Oh, hard disagree on that one, man.
I'm pretty much just full of shame.
[blows raspberry.]
That's the highest I've been able to hold my head up in two days.
Ashamed? Ashamed of what? I think when a person exposes his innermost Innermost? Exposes his innermost.
[laughs.]
What, is that is that where your dookie comes from? Yeah, yeah, what is that, like, uh, where you keep your farts, Norman? And we're back.
Retreat into your dark caves of pathetic masculinity.
- Hey, thanks, man.
- Aw, that's no problem, man.
And what does he know about masculinity? What do you know about masculinity, you know? The other day when you were [high-pitched whining.]
[bleep.]
you, Chewy! Don't you ever imitate me like that ever again.
- What? Bitch.
- [shudders.]
I realized I couldn't change my dad, but I could break the cycle and make sure my kids felt like they knew their parents.
Lil, Lou, your dad and I want you to know that if there have ever been questions that you've felt too scared or uncomfortable to ask, it's okay.
You can ask us anything.
- We are an open book.
- Yeah.
- So we can ask anything? - Anything, fire away.
How come you guys had Jake? It seems like he might've been an accident.
Okie dokie, let us know if you think of anything.
And that's how you score screen time.