I Feel Bad (2018) s01e13 Episode Script
There's Never Enough Time
1 - [bright tones.]
- In our family, we have a long tradition of planning wonderful vacations, canceling them the day our deposit becomes non-refundable, and leaving the kids bitterly disappointed.
Is this puberty? I'll be unpacking.
- [both laughing.]
- Hey, you guys? So the doctor says Mom has to be on bed-rest, so we're not gonna be able to go to Orlando.
No, now we'll never meet the Sorting Hat.
I'll be unpacking my Quidditch equipment.
But all that's about to change.
It's happening! I'm taking the family on an all-inclusive fun-filled getaway to Uh-uh, you're not going anywhere.
- What? - Yeah, read your email.
Your "Asako: Warrior Geisha" game is getting fast-tracked for release at Comic-Con.
That's right! Tristram, tell her what she's won! Eight months of uninterrupted work! That's right! You'll see such breathtaking scenes as the conference room and me alternating the same two pairs of jeans hoping you don't notice! Ugh, you guys, why do I have to be so damn good at my job? Damon says until the work is finished, all vacations are suspended unless someone's dead.
Yeah, well, someone will be, 'cause my kids are gonna kill me.
They're not gonna kill you.
No, they'll just resent you forever and the pain of that will kill you.
[sighs.]
[upbeat hip hop music.]
Look at my babies, so unaware that I'm about to drop a guillotine on their vacation.
Hey, guys, listen.
Um, something happened.
Look, I am so sorry We can't go on that vacation right now.
No! You guys are having another baby? - Come on, control yourselves! - No, Louie [sighs.]
Lily, honey, I am so sorry.
- "NP.
" - Excuse me? Did you just answer in two letters? Yeah.
"No problem.
" I kind of wanted to go to Gemma's karaoke party anyway, so "NBD.
" Did you see that? She wasn't even disappointed.
Oh, no, she sounded a little relieved.
Come on, I thought we had a lot more time with her before she wanted nothing to do with us.
You know what, maybe not.
The other day I saw her attempt a hair flip.
I mean, when she masters that we are done.
Why does everything bad happen to us? Auntie Rita is dead.
Well, leave it to your mom to one-up our misery.
Poor Rita Auntie.
Gone too soon.
Why? Uh, maybe because she was 98 and dipped tobacco like a relief pitcher.
You know, Rita Auntie was pretty mean.
She cursed our wedding.
Look, Mom, I'm sorry.
I'm sure there will be a memorial service.
How long will you be gone? Because we do have child-care issues.
You're coming, too.
Our entire extended family will be there including my judgmental sister.
- Ugh.
- If Uncle Rajiv can come from Mumbai, you can take the short drive to the Las Brisas Resort in Santa Barbara.
Okay, look, Mom, my boss was very firm Wait, did you say "Santa Barbara?" Hold up.
Stella's about to get her grieve back.
Oh, God, it just all happened so fast.
I'm so sorry.
I know this is terrible, but life is short, You know, I had an aunt die suddenly once.
Staph infection from a "No Regrets" tattoo.
Boy was that tattoo wrong, because she certainly had one regret.
That's sad.
Anyway, listen, I know this is just such horrible timing, and this "Asako" project means so much to me Oh, Emet, say no more.
Go to the memorial.
Be with your family.
Heck, maybe your Aunt Rita will find my Aunt Tiff up there, huh? - Yeah.
- I bet she's still in the crop-top she died in.
[coughs.]
Umm-kay.
[upbeat music.]
Repack your bags, playa, 'cause the family vacay is back on! At Rita Auntie's memorial.
Hmm? We're so sorry about your aunt.
You know, let us know if there's anything - we can do to help.
- Oh, thank you.
Actually, there is.
Um, could you just house-sit? I forgot to arrange anything because I've been so bereft.
Sweetie, does this wetsuit leave too little to the imagination? I'm feeling really squished A wetsuit? Oh, my God, are you using this lady's death as a family vacation? So long, suckas.
Sweetie, is what we're doing okay? 'Cause it does feel a little bit wrong.
Honey, it's a lot wrong, but the kids are so excited even Lily so let's just enjoy this.
I mean, I want to get in as much preteen Mommy-daughter time as I can before it's too late.
Okay, but can we risk them finding out this is a memorial? Louie's so afraid of death we have to tell him - that cemeteries are rock farms.
- Yeah, I know, but that's why we're not telling them.
Oh, come on, we can hide this.
They're kids, they're stupid.
Also, did I mention that Rita Auntie's family is paying for the hotel rooms? Interesting.
So what you're saying is it would be rude to not go.
That is exactly what I'm saying.
And you know, if there's one thing Rita Auntie hated it was rudeness.
And interracial marriage.
So, screw her.
Let's do it.
Mom, you were right.
This place is awesome.
- See? - I'm making our itinerary.
Tea room, candy shop, and then we're gonna top it off with spa treatments.
We gonna get turnt! Mom, you always use "turnt" wrong.
Nuh-uh.
Halfway through our massages we gonna get turnt.
Come on, Lily, let's go check out the hotel's policy on cannonballs.
I'm not leaving without dropping a big one.
Oh, honey, Lily's holding Louie's hand.
See, if we hadn't done this trip, we would have missed out on those last childhood moments.
Hey, you want to go to the room and use all the towels? Throw them on the floor for housekeeping? Oh, no laundry.
Oh, break it up, perverts.
A woman is dead.
Here's your memorial itinerary.
Today there is a slide show, poetry reading, balloon release, and candle-lighting.
Wait, we have to go to all of this? Yes.
We will be under the watchful cataract-ridden eye of my sister.
- Damn it.
- Well, at least the kids can enjoy the balloon release.
No, they cannot.
We are not telling them anyone died, especially Louie.
Oh.
You know, I found out about death when I was a lot younger than Louie.
I was playing hide and seek with my cousin.
I seeked and I found a dead body.
Okey-dokey, I'm gonna get some lobby coffee.
- Okay.
- This memorial's - a real bummer.
- Yeah.
What do you think you are here for? - Fun? - Uh, no.
No, of course not.
Here's your luggage, folks.
And, sir, we found your inflatable saxophone.
What? That is not our luggage.
How dare you, sir? A woman is dead! All right, Norman Okay, you water the plants.
Chewey, check on the sprinklers.
I'm gonna scrounge around, see if I can find some secrets.
I love the flow of this kitchen.
You know, the zen-ergy.
I have an idea.
We Airbnb this place and use the cash to finally track down my father and confront him once and for all.
No, Chewey and please call that therapist I recommended.
I think I should cook up some of my killer lobster risotto.
You guys are like family to me but we've never had a real sit-down dinner together.
Whatever, I'll eat.
Could we watch some TV first? Fine.
One show before dinner.
- Yes.
- One! And nothing that's gonna rile you up too much! Get back! I'm on first! You either share or no one sits! - - Mom, I don't mean to be a control freak, but the sign to the pool is pointing that way.
Yeah, listen, um, about that Mommy and Daddy just need to do some grown-up stuff so we just need you guys to hang out at the kids' club.
Mom, remember? We're supposed to go to the spa! I know, honey, and we will, okay? We just need what 20 minutes tops, okay? - [sighs.]
- Okay, let's go.
- Get 'em! - So much fun! If she's even one minute late I'm gonna start calling her "Emet" instead of "Mom.
" [somber music playing over speakers.]
[sighs.]
Y'all ready to grieve? No, but seriously, this is, like, a really bummer of a situation.
I'd like to remember Rita Auntie by listing 50 things I loved about her.
- Number one - Oh, my God.
Her smile.
You can barely even tell it's there.
- Okay, we're trapped.
- I know we are.
- [grunting.]
- [sighs.]
My mom's keeping an eye on me.
And her sister, Rani Auntie, she's keeping an eye on her.
They're like a couple of old, judgmental Indian hawks.
Meanwhile, I'm losing out on precious time with Lily.
Number four, the fact that she had quarter-inch thick toenails, but did not give an "F.
" [gasps.]
She's getting a tissue.
My mom's eyes are blurry with tears.
Now's the time.
Let's ditch her.
That's not to say she didn't like life, but I guess we'll never know.
Emet, David! You must want to pay tribute to Rita Auntie.
Come on up here.
[lighthearted music.]
I can't believe Mom tricked me into thinking this trip would be fun.
We have to bust out of here somehow but that guy's guarding the door.
I have an idea.
Follow my lead.
This is gonna hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.
Poop in the pit! Poop in the pit! Poop in the pit! - [children chattering.]
- Poop in the pit! Rita Auntie.
What to say.
She was - a woman - Mm.
who lived.
Now she's gone.
Help me.
[clears throat.]
Uh, I think David would really like to say something.
[clears throat.]
[off-key.]
Somewhere Out there Beneath the pale moonlight Both: Someone's Thinking of me Louie, that was brilliant.
What would we have done if you didn't have that candy bar? Honey, don't go snooping around where you don't want answers.
Hey, look, they're wearing white.
That's the Indian funeral color.
Hey, isn't that one of Mom's old aunts? "Memorial"? That means "dead.
" Both: Sleeping underneath The same big [bleep.]
And just like Rita Auntie, our vacation is now dead.
You brought us on a death vacation? Okay, we have a good explanation Wait a minute.
Is there a dead woman in this building? - Both: No.
- Uh-uh, baby.
- No.
- Then was does "spread the beloved's ashes" mean? It means they burned her.
They put her in a little bowl and they're going to toss her.
[gasping.]
Nope, that's it.
You've ruined vacation! Now whenever I think of cannonballs, I'm gonna picture a dead lady in a bowl! If you need me, I'm gonna be in the ball pit fishing out my candy bar.
Aww, honey, that's not a great I can't believe I'm missing Gemma's party, and I'm not even getting to spend time with you.
See you later, Emet.
"Emet"? Oh, my God, and that hair flip - was flawless.
- Yeah.
What the hell were you thinking with that singing? Rita Auntie must be turning over in her urn.
Yeah, can you yell at us later? Louie is freaking out about death.
- I have to get him through this.
- Yeah.
Oh, I I'll come, too.
I like a good train wreck.
Except for the one that killed my uncle.
All right, come on, Jake.
Let's find you a nice auntie for you to hang out with.
Okay, Mom, I gotta go find Lily and salvage what's left of this vaca [stammers.]
- Vacancy in my heart.
- I knew it.
You thought you could pull the wool over my ass, huh? - "Eyes," Mom.
- Whatever.
I know that you're using this memorial as a vacation, so now your ass is grass.
Did I use it right that time? Yes.
Hey, Norman, what do you think? I think you both might have adult ADHD.
[roaring.]
Hey, listen, I'm gonna run to the store for some wine.
When the egg timer goes off, I need you two to stir the risotto.
Got it? Okay, relax, Barefoot Contessa.
- We got it.
- [sighs.]
So what should we do next? [egg timer ringing.]
- What's that annoying noise? - I dunno.
Hey, wanna take this guy outside and find a squirrel? - Yeah! - Bad boy coming out! - Be careful with it.
- I'm fine with it, watch.
[mellow music.]
Hey, big guy.
Can I join you? Oh.
I'm not gonna lie, I'm having an existential Christmas right now.
I mean, when you die they just squish you into an urn? Yeah.
[sighs.]
Well, this is a major life moment.
Uh oh, good, a musical instrument.
Um, look at this big guy.
[bouncy demo tune playing.]
Yeah.
Death happens to everyone You may be old You may be Nope.
Sorry.
[stammers.]
There's no exception, I won't lie Everyone in this room Will someday die No.
[chipper demo tune.]
Oh, death got you like irie That's just not the right death beat.
[sighs.]
What's the point of doing anything if at any moment you, me, or anyone I love could just be gone? Tell you what the point is, Lou.
Turn turn around.
Look at this ball pit.
Really look at it.
If you were to dwell on all the terrible, disgusting things in that ball pit, you'd never jump in.
And if you never jump in you're gonna miss out on something fun and beautiful.
[clears throat.]
Your dad's right.
You enjoy the ball pit of life.
Whenever you get the chance, jump in.
- I think I understand.
- Yeah? Yeah.
Thanks, Dad.
- Thanks, Grandpa.
- [sighs.]
- [laughs.]
- I feel better.
- Now can I go in the ball pit? - What, are you kidding? No, it's disgusting.
Let's get out of here.
How could you be so selfish that you'd risk embarrassing us in front of our whole family? You want to know the truth, Mom? Lily's growing up so fast.
I just felt like this was the last family vacation I get with that little girl who thinks I'm the greatest.
Aww.
I don't blame you.
Pretty soon she'll be a busy career girl and she won't want to hang out with you at all.
Wait, you really think that's how I feel about you? Why, all these memorial events remind me that someday I'll be gone, and I want to have a little time with my daughter, too.
Maybe that's really why I wanted you to come here with me.
That's actually very sweet.
Oh, calm down, Bette Midler.
This isn't "Beaches.
" Look, Mom, I want time with you, too.
So how about you help me pull the wool over everyone's ass so we can have a fun family vacation? Okay.
I'm in, man.
But my sister can't find out what we are up to or I'll never hear the end of it.
You don't know what it's like to be constantly criticized.
Okay, I'm gonna let that one slide.
A woman is dead.
- Let's find Lily.
- I'm right here.
I realized I can't get far on only five - Kid's Club dollars.
- Yeah.
Tell you what? I've got adult dollars, and we're gonna make this the best vacation ever.
Well, since I had kids.
The ones before were epic.
There you are, slowpokes.
Hurry, you're gonna miss the shuttle.
The driver's schedule is as tight as his ass.
Yum.
[laughs.]
Oh, hey, Lily.
We're never getting that vacation, are we? Not with my irritating family stuck to our butts.
Hey, you guys, I know somebody who can get us out of this.
Come on.
[egg timer ringing.]
Oh, my God! Both: Surprise! Oh, that's what that noise was.
- What? - I asked you guys to do one thing stir the risotto and you didn't do it! All I wanted for tonight was a nice meal with my friends! Whatever, man.
We'll just get some Subway footlongs.
Spicy Italian on a honey wheat? - That's America's risotto.
- You know, this has been our dynamic for years.
You two do dumb crap without any consideration for me or my effort.
I'm sick of it! - [mock gasp.]
- Oh, no, Mummy's mad.
No, we've spoiled Mummy's special dinner.
Mommy is mad, and Mommy's also stronger than both of you combined! [babbling.]
Screw this! Oh, hey, hi! You're here.
Okay, so it's just a short bus ride followed by a long hike.
And David, just a heads-up, I'm gonna need you to piggyback an auntie.
Oh, looking forward to that.
Louie, I don't know what your plan is.
- It better work.
- It will work.
Mom, hand me that yogurt you keep in your purse - for Jake.
- What? Is now really the time for a snack? - Let the man work.
- [sighs.]
Okay.
[groans.]
All: Oh! [all groaning.]
Oh, I I'm sorry.
I I'm so sorry.
I should have probably checked with Louie about what his plan was.
Oh, honey, are you okay? Oh, guys, I'm sorry.
Louie's sick.
I think we're gonna have to sit this one out.
I think you should.
[weak laugh.]
Kids are gross.
Booyah, suckers.
You been Yo-Played.
See ya.
And just like that, Louie had fake-barfed life back into our trip.
When I say "vacay" you say "tion"! - Vacay! - All: "Tion"! - Vacay! - All: "Tion"! [all cheering.]
- Get in that pool! - Oh, no.
When I say "humilia" you say "tion.
" I I thought you guys were on the shuttle.
Change of plans.
There was a severe weather warning at the bluffs.
But the hotel was nice enough to close down the pool for our candle ceremony.
Wait, I thought Louie was sick? Why are y'all in swimsuits? No! The pool is closed? I hate this vacation! - No, no, no, Louie, Louie! - "Vacation"? You dirt people are using this memorial as a vacation? Uh, no, of course not.
No, no, no.
What he meant was Dad, Grandpa, this is for you.
I'm living "la vida Louie.
" Cannonball! [all gasp.]
[funky pop music.]
Okay, okay, look.
I can see where some might find that cannonball disrespectful, but but it wasn't.
Because it's a tribute to Rita Auntie.
Yeah.
And to her whole life, and to our lives! Because [sighs.]
there's never enough time.
There's never enough moments to enjoy the people that we love.
And I know that you all feel the same way 'cause our kids are growing up.
And our and our parents are getting older, and I still haven't read "Gone Girl" so [sighs.]
Come on.
You know, we're here.
We're alive! There's a pool! So let's all make a memory so incredible we stop time, baby! Cannonball! - Emet! - [hollering.]
[all gasp.]
[mellow music.]
Whoo! [laughing.]
[music stops.]
All right, I [clears throat.]
kind of expected everyone to just follow me into the pool "Braveheart" style.
Yeah, I knew they weren't with you, but you had a lot of momentum going, so Raise hands, those who'd like a towel.
[sighs.]
Leave me alone.
- I just want to sleep.
- Just look, open your eyes.
Okay, but we thought about what you said, and we have something we want to show you.
Ta-da! We made dinner.
- You guys did this for me? - Yeah! Look, man, the truth is, we never realized that all this time during our friendship that, uh, you could totally beat the crap out of both of us.
And yet, you didn't.
Even when we really deserved it.
You're right.
You really did deserve it.
- [growls.]
- Mommy! Just kidding.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, come on.
Hey, not to be all mushy or whatever, but, uh, this is nice.
Hey, remember back in the day when we contemplated being roomies? Oh, should we do it? I'm in.
- I'm in, too! - Well, uh, neither of you have flushed the toilet since we've been here, so pass.
Eh, that's a valid point.
- I'll flush the toilet.
- I'll flush your toilet.
[all laughing.]
- Harmless gag.
- [all laughing.]
[all chattering.]
[all laughing, chattering.]
Hey, Lil, listen I know this wasn't the vacation I promised, or even a vacation.
I just wanted to get away with you before it was too late.
What do you mean? You know, people are always saying things like, "Once your daughter's a teenager, she won't like you anymore.
" Mom, that's crazy.
I love you.
And why do you listen to people who tell you bad things are gonna happen? I don't know.
- I'm dumb.
- Yeah.
There's grief in watching your child grow up a sadness in saying goodbye to who she was but there's also a joy as you meet the person she's becoming, and that person's pretty wonderful.
[clears throat.]
But she needs to stop stealing my damn fries.
Yeah.
[message notification.]
Good news! My sister says we are no longer welcome at any more memorial events.
[all cheering.]
No, no, no! That means we've been shunned! When I say "vacay" you say "shunned.
" - Vacay! - All: "Shunned!" - Vacay! - All: "Shunned!" - Vacay! - All: "Shunned!" I wish I could freeze this moment in time, or at least slow it down.
But I can't.
All I can do is enjoy it before it fades away.
Hey, everybody.
- Back by popular demand - Oh, no.
Cannonball! [all shouting.]
- Eww.
- Oh! Louie already made a mess! [all chattering, laughing.]
Yeah, I can't wait for them to move out.
- In our family, we have a long tradition of planning wonderful vacations, canceling them the day our deposit becomes non-refundable, and leaving the kids bitterly disappointed.
Is this puberty? I'll be unpacking.
- [both laughing.]
- Hey, you guys? So the doctor says Mom has to be on bed-rest, so we're not gonna be able to go to Orlando.
No, now we'll never meet the Sorting Hat.
I'll be unpacking my Quidditch equipment.
But all that's about to change.
It's happening! I'm taking the family on an all-inclusive fun-filled getaway to Uh-uh, you're not going anywhere.
- What? - Yeah, read your email.
Your "Asako: Warrior Geisha" game is getting fast-tracked for release at Comic-Con.
That's right! Tristram, tell her what she's won! Eight months of uninterrupted work! That's right! You'll see such breathtaking scenes as the conference room and me alternating the same two pairs of jeans hoping you don't notice! Ugh, you guys, why do I have to be so damn good at my job? Damon says until the work is finished, all vacations are suspended unless someone's dead.
Yeah, well, someone will be, 'cause my kids are gonna kill me.
They're not gonna kill you.
No, they'll just resent you forever and the pain of that will kill you.
[sighs.]
[upbeat hip hop music.]
Look at my babies, so unaware that I'm about to drop a guillotine on their vacation.
Hey, guys, listen.
Um, something happened.
Look, I am so sorry We can't go on that vacation right now.
No! You guys are having another baby? - Come on, control yourselves! - No, Louie [sighs.]
Lily, honey, I am so sorry.
- "NP.
" - Excuse me? Did you just answer in two letters? Yeah.
"No problem.
" I kind of wanted to go to Gemma's karaoke party anyway, so "NBD.
" Did you see that? She wasn't even disappointed.
Oh, no, she sounded a little relieved.
Come on, I thought we had a lot more time with her before she wanted nothing to do with us.
You know what, maybe not.
The other day I saw her attempt a hair flip.
I mean, when she masters that we are done.
Why does everything bad happen to us? Auntie Rita is dead.
Well, leave it to your mom to one-up our misery.
Poor Rita Auntie.
Gone too soon.
Why? Uh, maybe because she was 98 and dipped tobacco like a relief pitcher.
You know, Rita Auntie was pretty mean.
She cursed our wedding.
Look, Mom, I'm sorry.
I'm sure there will be a memorial service.
How long will you be gone? Because we do have child-care issues.
You're coming, too.
Our entire extended family will be there including my judgmental sister.
- Ugh.
- If Uncle Rajiv can come from Mumbai, you can take the short drive to the Las Brisas Resort in Santa Barbara.
Okay, look, Mom, my boss was very firm Wait, did you say "Santa Barbara?" Hold up.
Stella's about to get her grieve back.
Oh, God, it just all happened so fast.
I'm so sorry.
I know this is terrible, but life is short, You know, I had an aunt die suddenly once.
Staph infection from a "No Regrets" tattoo.
Boy was that tattoo wrong, because she certainly had one regret.
That's sad.
Anyway, listen, I know this is just such horrible timing, and this "Asako" project means so much to me Oh, Emet, say no more.
Go to the memorial.
Be with your family.
Heck, maybe your Aunt Rita will find my Aunt Tiff up there, huh? - Yeah.
- I bet she's still in the crop-top she died in.
[coughs.]
Umm-kay.
[upbeat music.]
Repack your bags, playa, 'cause the family vacay is back on! At Rita Auntie's memorial.
Hmm? We're so sorry about your aunt.
You know, let us know if there's anything - we can do to help.
- Oh, thank you.
Actually, there is.
Um, could you just house-sit? I forgot to arrange anything because I've been so bereft.
Sweetie, does this wetsuit leave too little to the imagination? I'm feeling really squished A wetsuit? Oh, my God, are you using this lady's death as a family vacation? So long, suckas.
Sweetie, is what we're doing okay? 'Cause it does feel a little bit wrong.
Honey, it's a lot wrong, but the kids are so excited even Lily so let's just enjoy this.
I mean, I want to get in as much preteen Mommy-daughter time as I can before it's too late.
Okay, but can we risk them finding out this is a memorial? Louie's so afraid of death we have to tell him - that cemeteries are rock farms.
- Yeah, I know, but that's why we're not telling them.
Oh, come on, we can hide this.
They're kids, they're stupid.
Also, did I mention that Rita Auntie's family is paying for the hotel rooms? Interesting.
So what you're saying is it would be rude to not go.
That is exactly what I'm saying.
And you know, if there's one thing Rita Auntie hated it was rudeness.
And interracial marriage.
So, screw her.
Let's do it.
Mom, you were right.
This place is awesome.
- See? - I'm making our itinerary.
Tea room, candy shop, and then we're gonna top it off with spa treatments.
We gonna get turnt! Mom, you always use "turnt" wrong.
Nuh-uh.
Halfway through our massages we gonna get turnt.
Come on, Lily, let's go check out the hotel's policy on cannonballs.
I'm not leaving without dropping a big one.
Oh, honey, Lily's holding Louie's hand.
See, if we hadn't done this trip, we would have missed out on those last childhood moments.
Hey, you want to go to the room and use all the towels? Throw them on the floor for housekeeping? Oh, no laundry.
Oh, break it up, perverts.
A woman is dead.
Here's your memorial itinerary.
Today there is a slide show, poetry reading, balloon release, and candle-lighting.
Wait, we have to go to all of this? Yes.
We will be under the watchful cataract-ridden eye of my sister.
- Damn it.
- Well, at least the kids can enjoy the balloon release.
No, they cannot.
We are not telling them anyone died, especially Louie.
Oh.
You know, I found out about death when I was a lot younger than Louie.
I was playing hide and seek with my cousin.
I seeked and I found a dead body.
Okey-dokey, I'm gonna get some lobby coffee.
- Okay.
- This memorial's - a real bummer.
- Yeah.
What do you think you are here for? - Fun? - Uh, no.
No, of course not.
Here's your luggage, folks.
And, sir, we found your inflatable saxophone.
What? That is not our luggage.
How dare you, sir? A woman is dead! All right, Norman Okay, you water the plants.
Chewey, check on the sprinklers.
I'm gonna scrounge around, see if I can find some secrets.
I love the flow of this kitchen.
You know, the zen-ergy.
I have an idea.
We Airbnb this place and use the cash to finally track down my father and confront him once and for all.
No, Chewey and please call that therapist I recommended.
I think I should cook up some of my killer lobster risotto.
You guys are like family to me but we've never had a real sit-down dinner together.
Whatever, I'll eat.
Could we watch some TV first? Fine.
One show before dinner.
- Yes.
- One! And nothing that's gonna rile you up too much! Get back! I'm on first! You either share or no one sits! - - Mom, I don't mean to be a control freak, but the sign to the pool is pointing that way.
Yeah, listen, um, about that Mommy and Daddy just need to do some grown-up stuff so we just need you guys to hang out at the kids' club.
Mom, remember? We're supposed to go to the spa! I know, honey, and we will, okay? We just need what 20 minutes tops, okay? - [sighs.]
- Okay, let's go.
- Get 'em! - So much fun! If she's even one minute late I'm gonna start calling her "Emet" instead of "Mom.
" [somber music playing over speakers.]
[sighs.]
Y'all ready to grieve? No, but seriously, this is, like, a really bummer of a situation.
I'd like to remember Rita Auntie by listing 50 things I loved about her.
- Number one - Oh, my God.
Her smile.
You can barely even tell it's there.
- Okay, we're trapped.
- I know we are.
- [grunting.]
- [sighs.]
My mom's keeping an eye on me.
And her sister, Rani Auntie, she's keeping an eye on her.
They're like a couple of old, judgmental Indian hawks.
Meanwhile, I'm losing out on precious time with Lily.
Number four, the fact that she had quarter-inch thick toenails, but did not give an "F.
" [gasps.]
She's getting a tissue.
My mom's eyes are blurry with tears.
Now's the time.
Let's ditch her.
That's not to say she didn't like life, but I guess we'll never know.
Emet, David! You must want to pay tribute to Rita Auntie.
Come on up here.
[lighthearted music.]
I can't believe Mom tricked me into thinking this trip would be fun.
We have to bust out of here somehow but that guy's guarding the door.
I have an idea.
Follow my lead.
This is gonna hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.
Poop in the pit! Poop in the pit! Poop in the pit! - [children chattering.]
- Poop in the pit! Rita Auntie.
What to say.
She was - a woman - Mm.
who lived.
Now she's gone.
Help me.
[clears throat.]
Uh, I think David would really like to say something.
[clears throat.]
[off-key.]
Somewhere Out there Beneath the pale moonlight Both: Someone's Thinking of me Louie, that was brilliant.
What would we have done if you didn't have that candy bar? Honey, don't go snooping around where you don't want answers.
Hey, look, they're wearing white.
That's the Indian funeral color.
Hey, isn't that one of Mom's old aunts? "Memorial"? That means "dead.
" Both: Sleeping underneath The same big [bleep.]
And just like Rita Auntie, our vacation is now dead.
You brought us on a death vacation? Okay, we have a good explanation Wait a minute.
Is there a dead woman in this building? - Both: No.
- Uh-uh, baby.
- No.
- Then was does "spread the beloved's ashes" mean? It means they burned her.
They put her in a little bowl and they're going to toss her.
[gasping.]
Nope, that's it.
You've ruined vacation! Now whenever I think of cannonballs, I'm gonna picture a dead lady in a bowl! If you need me, I'm gonna be in the ball pit fishing out my candy bar.
Aww, honey, that's not a great I can't believe I'm missing Gemma's party, and I'm not even getting to spend time with you.
See you later, Emet.
"Emet"? Oh, my God, and that hair flip - was flawless.
- Yeah.
What the hell were you thinking with that singing? Rita Auntie must be turning over in her urn.
Yeah, can you yell at us later? Louie is freaking out about death.
- I have to get him through this.
- Yeah.
Oh, I I'll come, too.
I like a good train wreck.
Except for the one that killed my uncle.
All right, come on, Jake.
Let's find you a nice auntie for you to hang out with.
Okay, Mom, I gotta go find Lily and salvage what's left of this vaca [stammers.]
- Vacancy in my heart.
- I knew it.
You thought you could pull the wool over my ass, huh? - "Eyes," Mom.
- Whatever.
I know that you're using this memorial as a vacation, so now your ass is grass.
Did I use it right that time? Yes.
Hey, Norman, what do you think? I think you both might have adult ADHD.
[roaring.]
Hey, listen, I'm gonna run to the store for some wine.
When the egg timer goes off, I need you two to stir the risotto.
Got it? Okay, relax, Barefoot Contessa.
- We got it.
- [sighs.]
So what should we do next? [egg timer ringing.]
- What's that annoying noise? - I dunno.
Hey, wanna take this guy outside and find a squirrel? - Yeah! - Bad boy coming out! - Be careful with it.
- I'm fine with it, watch.
[mellow music.]
Hey, big guy.
Can I join you? Oh.
I'm not gonna lie, I'm having an existential Christmas right now.
I mean, when you die they just squish you into an urn? Yeah.
[sighs.]
Well, this is a major life moment.
Uh oh, good, a musical instrument.
Um, look at this big guy.
[bouncy demo tune playing.]
Yeah.
Death happens to everyone You may be old You may be Nope.
Sorry.
[stammers.]
There's no exception, I won't lie Everyone in this room Will someday die No.
[chipper demo tune.]
Oh, death got you like irie That's just not the right death beat.
[sighs.]
What's the point of doing anything if at any moment you, me, or anyone I love could just be gone? Tell you what the point is, Lou.
Turn turn around.
Look at this ball pit.
Really look at it.
If you were to dwell on all the terrible, disgusting things in that ball pit, you'd never jump in.
And if you never jump in you're gonna miss out on something fun and beautiful.
[clears throat.]
Your dad's right.
You enjoy the ball pit of life.
Whenever you get the chance, jump in.
- I think I understand.
- Yeah? Yeah.
Thanks, Dad.
- Thanks, Grandpa.
- [sighs.]
- [laughs.]
- I feel better.
- Now can I go in the ball pit? - What, are you kidding? No, it's disgusting.
Let's get out of here.
How could you be so selfish that you'd risk embarrassing us in front of our whole family? You want to know the truth, Mom? Lily's growing up so fast.
I just felt like this was the last family vacation I get with that little girl who thinks I'm the greatest.
Aww.
I don't blame you.
Pretty soon she'll be a busy career girl and she won't want to hang out with you at all.
Wait, you really think that's how I feel about you? Why, all these memorial events remind me that someday I'll be gone, and I want to have a little time with my daughter, too.
Maybe that's really why I wanted you to come here with me.
That's actually very sweet.
Oh, calm down, Bette Midler.
This isn't "Beaches.
" Look, Mom, I want time with you, too.
So how about you help me pull the wool over everyone's ass so we can have a fun family vacation? Okay.
I'm in, man.
But my sister can't find out what we are up to or I'll never hear the end of it.
You don't know what it's like to be constantly criticized.
Okay, I'm gonna let that one slide.
A woman is dead.
- Let's find Lily.
- I'm right here.
I realized I can't get far on only five - Kid's Club dollars.
- Yeah.
Tell you what? I've got adult dollars, and we're gonna make this the best vacation ever.
Well, since I had kids.
The ones before were epic.
There you are, slowpokes.
Hurry, you're gonna miss the shuttle.
The driver's schedule is as tight as his ass.
Yum.
[laughs.]
Oh, hey, Lily.
We're never getting that vacation, are we? Not with my irritating family stuck to our butts.
Hey, you guys, I know somebody who can get us out of this.
Come on.
[egg timer ringing.]
Oh, my God! Both: Surprise! Oh, that's what that noise was.
- What? - I asked you guys to do one thing stir the risotto and you didn't do it! All I wanted for tonight was a nice meal with my friends! Whatever, man.
We'll just get some Subway footlongs.
Spicy Italian on a honey wheat? - That's America's risotto.
- You know, this has been our dynamic for years.
You two do dumb crap without any consideration for me or my effort.
I'm sick of it! - [mock gasp.]
- Oh, no, Mummy's mad.
No, we've spoiled Mummy's special dinner.
Mommy is mad, and Mommy's also stronger than both of you combined! [babbling.]
Screw this! Oh, hey, hi! You're here.
Okay, so it's just a short bus ride followed by a long hike.
And David, just a heads-up, I'm gonna need you to piggyback an auntie.
Oh, looking forward to that.
Louie, I don't know what your plan is.
- It better work.
- It will work.
Mom, hand me that yogurt you keep in your purse - for Jake.
- What? Is now really the time for a snack? - Let the man work.
- [sighs.]
Okay.
[groans.]
All: Oh! [all groaning.]
Oh, I I'm sorry.
I I'm so sorry.
I should have probably checked with Louie about what his plan was.
Oh, honey, are you okay? Oh, guys, I'm sorry.
Louie's sick.
I think we're gonna have to sit this one out.
I think you should.
[weak laugh.]
Kids are gross.
Booyah, suckers.
You been Yo-Played.
See ya.
And just like that, Louie had fake-barfed life back into our trip.
When I say "vacay" you say "tion"! - Vacay! - All: "Tion"! - Vacay! - All: "Tion"! [all cheering.]
- Get in that pool! - Oh, no.
When I say "humilia" you say "tion.
" I I thought you guys were on the shuttle.
Change of plans.
There was a severe weather warning at the bluffs.
But the hotel was nice enough to close down the pool for our candle ceremony.
Wait, I thought Louie was sick? Why are y'all in swimsuits? No! The pool is closed? I hate this vacation! - No, no, no, Louie, Louie! - "Vacation"? You dirt people are using this memorial as a vacation? Uh, no, of course not.
No, no, no.
What he meant was Dad, Grandpa, this is for you.
I'm living "la vida Louie.
" Cannonball! [all gasp.]
[funky pop music.]
Okay, okay, look.
I can see where some might find that cannonball disrespectful, but but it wasn't.
Because it's a tribute to Rita Auntie.
Yeah.
And to her whole life, and to our lives! Because [sighs.]
there's never enough time.
There's never enough moments to enjoy the people that we love.
And I know that you all feel the same way 'cause our kids are growing up.
And our and our parents are getting older, and I still haven't read "Gone Girl" so [sighs.]
Come on.
You know, we're here.
We're alive! There's a pool! So let's all make a memory so incredible we stop time, baby! Cannonball! - Emet! - [hollering.]
[all gasp.]
[mellow music.]
Whoo! [laughing.]
[music stops.]
All right, I [clears throat.]
kind of expected everyone to just follow me into the pool "Braveheart" style.
Yeah, I knew they weren't with you, but you had a lot of momentum going, so Raise hands, those who'd like a towel.
[sighs.]
Leave me alone.
- I just want to sleep.
- Just look, open your eyes.
Okay, but we thought about what you said, and we have something we want to show you.
Ta-da! We made dinner.
- You guys did this for me? - Yeah! Look, man, the truth is, we never realized that all this time during our friendship that, uh, you could totally beat the crap out of both of us.
And yet, you didn't.
Even when we really deserved it.
You're right.
You really did deserve it.
- [growls.]
- Mommy! Just kidding.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, come on.
Hey, not to be all mushy or whatever, but, uh, this is nice.
Hey, remember back in the day when we contemplated being roomies? Oh, should we do it? I'm in.
- I'm in, too! - Well, uh, neither of you have flushed the toilet since we've been here, so pass.
Eh, that's a valid point.
- I'll flush the toilet.
- I'll flush your toilet.
[all laughing.]
- Harmless gag.
- [all laughing.]
[all chattering.]
[all laughing, chattering.]
Hey, Lil, listen I know this wasn't the vacation I promised, or even a vacation.
I just wanted to get away with you before it was too late.
What do you mean? You know, people are always saying things like, "Once your daughter's a teenager, she won't like you anymore.
" Mom, that's crazy.
I love you.
And why do you listen to people who tell you bad things are gonna happen? I don't know.
- I'm dumb.
- Yeah.
There's grief in watching your child grow up a sadness in saying goodbye to who she was but there's also a joy as you meet the person she's becoming, and that person's pretty wonderful.
[clears throat.]
But she needs to stop stealing my damn fries.
Yeah.
[message notification.]
Good news! My sister says we are no longer welcome at any more memorial events.
[all cheering.]
No, no, no! That means we've been shunned! When I say "vacay" you say "shunned.
" - Vacay! - All: "Shunned!" - Vacay! - All: "Shunned!" - Vacay! - All: "Shunned!" I wish I could freeze this moment in time, or at least slow it down.
But I can't.
All I can do is enjoy it before it fades away.
Hey, everybody.
- Back by popular demand - Oh, no.
Cannonball! [all shouting.]
- Eww.
- Oh! Louie already made a mess! [all chattering, laughing.]
Yeah, I can't wait for them to move out.