I Hate Christmas (2022) s02e03 Episode Script

Tutti tranne me

[lively, plucky music playing]
What more could happen,
after breaking up with Umberto,
my parents separating,
and the allure of Gisella's strawberries?
My father's heart attack.
Luckily, it's not serious,
but that's what happens
when you lie to yourself.
You're not fine on your own,
you very nearly died!
My goodness, they're good.
So, I looked at your test results
and, yes, it was a small heart attack.
But luckily, we caught it in time
and it was mild.
[Umberto] And luckily,
you're in good hands.
[Pietro] Hi, Umberto.
So, I can relax now?
We'll keep you for a few days
for further tests.
All right.
- Everything okay with you?
- Better than last night.
Umberto, I don't understand though.
I've never had heart issues.
A heart attack can be caused
by, um, a large number of factors.
Stress, poor nutrition,
or a particularly traumatic event.
Yes, a bit like seeing someone
feed strawberries and cream
[Gianna laughing erratically]
Yes, or traumatic like seeing
Santa Claus kissing someone.
Ah, at least my Santa Claus
had trousers on. [mirthless chuckle]
Ah, you're not talking about
my heart attack anymore, are you?
I'm gonna finish my rounds,
then I'll come back.
I saw Umberto yesterday morning,
and he told me you'd broken up.
Sorry, I wanted to tell you.
Then I thought it was a bad time
because of the separation with Mum.
So, yeah. Look what happened
in the end anyway.
Gianna, it was my decision to separate.
The past few years
have been pretty intense.
Wonderful, but intense.
And now I just want to relax. Hmm?
[matron] We have
the whole family here today!
I apologize for all of this overcrowding,
but I've always said to Gianna
that you nurses are angels.
With the weather we're having,
the canal will be full of sea bass,
and I could kick myself just sitting here.
[Pietro chuckling]
Mullet bait?
[suggestive music playing]
- Closed mussels.
- Mmm, a professional.
- I'm Pietro.
- That's an important name.
[Pietro] My wife always thought
it was a common name.
Ex-wife, actually.
We're separating.
[matron] Can I bring you something?
- A tea?
- If we can skip formalities.
Gianna, don't just stand there.
Get your father a tea.
Right away.
Yes, he's much better,
so you can come and visit him later.
[Marta] I don't think
that's a good idea, Gianna.
Mum, he had a heart attack.
Yes, I know, I know. But he's better now,
so it doesn't make any sense
for me to visit.
You understand that, right?
- No, I don't.
- Your father was right.
The best thing the both of us
could have done was for us to separate.
In life, you simply need to levitate.
- [Marta yelps]
- Mum?
[quirky music playing]
Excuse me, no, wait a second.
You Umberto, I
I didn't sleep with Santa Claus, okay?
Because sleeping with someone
is worse than just a kiss!
[Gianna] And now, even Davide thinks
I just go around kissing Santa Claus
as if for sport!
- Which is true a bit.
- No. I only kissed one Santa Claus.
- She only kissed one.
- Anyway, I have other things on my mind.
- You okay?
- Yes.
Why do you think
I only have customers in their sixties?
Well, it doesn't look like that to me.
- Well
- Don't you dare.
I think Dad had a heart attack
because of Mum. He's lonely.
You're still on that?
They said it was his poor diet.
You should stop now,
otherwise you'll have a heart attack.
I mean, my snacks are good.
- They're really good!
- Let me taste the best one.
- It really is good.
- Mm-hmm.
You know what?
I'll take some for my therapist.
Then I can bribe her and she'll let me go.
- How old is your therapist?
- Mmm Over 50.
Oh! Then she's probably
already a customer of mine.
[Gianna, Didi chuckling]
Mmm, I'll take some to Dad,
to make him feel better.
Come on, enough already!
Gianna come on!
I mean, you're right to think about Dad,
but think about yourself too.
Focus on things that make you feel good.
Focus on this Christmas dinner.
Speaking of which,
we're going to Giotto's tonight.
- We have a table.
- Oh!
Then we can see what's out there.
Before Giotto's,
I suggest a girlie afternoon.
We can wax, go shopping, drink.
What do you say?
Just like old times!
- You weren't with us at that time, but
- No, but I would've liked to have been.
You know what? Girlie afternoon!
- Yes!
- We deserve to have some fun.
[all yelping in pain]
- Ah!
- My goodie goodness!
Oh goodness! I'm sure you
said something fun. This isn't fun.
All fun evenings start with a wax.
Isn't that what they say?
Actually, let's do
a full Brazilian for Gianna.
No! A full Brazilian means
"I'm looking for a man
and I want to look younger".
Listen, girls, next time you want to do
something like the old times,
don't call me, thanks!
So? Full Brazilian or natural?
Somewhere in between, a bit of both?
Excuse me.
You're three beautiful women.
You should be proud to have reached
middle age looking like that.
[music halts abruptly]
[Gianna, Margherita, Didi]
Full Brazilian, please.
[all yelping]
You going to see
your friend tonight at Giotto's?
It's none of your business.
Why do you worry?
Why don't you just call him?
Because otherwise he would know
that I had him on my mind
Whereas we need to just be casual.
Then he has to casually realise
he made the biggest mistake of his life
and then he can casually die horribly,
from horrible afflictions if possible.
- Who's dying miserably?
- You, Marghe, love, just like always you.
Okay, fair enough. Fine.
I have to run.
I have a shift at the hospital.
Ah, whereas I have to go
to couples therapy. I'll see you later.
Yeah. You'll come to Giotto's, won't you?
- Of course. It's going to be very quick.
- Okay.
[weary sigh]
[therapist stifling yawn]
Hello, doctor?
This thing about rediscovering ourselves
in silence, how long does it last exactly?
- Margherita!
- Oh, what?
Why don't you cooperate
instead of complaining?
I am cooperating! And if I am complaining,
there must be a reason.
Bravo. Expressing your anger is
an integral part of the process.
Mmm. The long process.
Is there something wrong?
No, I I had a wax. You know, a
I don't want to know.
- Did you put lipstick on? It's nice.
- Do you have time to waste?
No, no, no. I'm going up
to see my father, so
No, uh, I'll go.
You take care of the patient in 303.
The new test results have come back.
It seems you were right.
[delicate, pensive music playing]
Good morning, professor.
I'm Gianna. The nurse, remember?
The one who gets names wrong.
Just because I have Alzheimer's
doesn't mean you need to ask
if I remember you all the time.
Dr Menghini told me.
- Ahh
- He's your boyfriend, no?
Well, he was.
So, ex-boyfriend. We broke up.
But generally speaking, love and I don't
Love, love
Romantic love
Courtly love
It was invented in the 19th century.
Before, to love was
to continue our species,
something healthy
that really didn't hurt anyone.
But when you put it like that,
it doesn't sound much fun.
You don't look like
you're having fun to me.
So have you never been in love before?
Only one time.
With a girl by the name of Rosa.
We met at university,
and she was the only woman who was
ever able to make me put a book down.
[gentle, introspective music playing]
Then what?
Then I got my very first
teaching position. It was
It was in Milan.
And I started writing the books.
Funny, isn't it?
I remember Rosa's name perfectly,
but not a single one
of the books I have written.
It's romantic.
Post the 19th century, obviously.
[both chuckle]
[gentle music trailing off]
How do I look?
Good. Yeah.
Just good?
You look super, super good.
- No, yes, very good.
- Yeah
You look like you care super-uber-duper
about tonight, don't you?
Like I told you, it's a very classy place.
I think I look perfect, no?
- Yes.
- [grunts]
That itch is really starting
to bother you, isn't it?
It's super-duper annoying, yes.
Not as annoying
as those flat shoes, though. Hideous.
- No!
- Yes, they should be illegal.
Put some heels on.
We're going to have fun tonight.
[Gianna] They're cute.
["Boss Bitch" by Doja Cat playing]
I'm a bitch and a boss
I'ma shine like gloss ♪
I'm a bitch, I'm a boss ♪
[Margherita chuckling]
[song halts abruptly]
- You're joking, right?
- It's our therapist's latest idea.
A weekend each
with no help from the other.
Guess who's had to start?
Shall we reschedule dinner?
No. No. I can very much
take care of them and have fun with you.
You don't say.
Mum's always done everything anyway.
Isn't that right, kids? Hmm?
[strained laughing]
[swaggering, groovy music playing]
Anyway, I must admit, this place is great.
- Mmm!
- [Gianna] Yep.
- Didi? This place is great.
- I told you. Wonderful, yes.
Can we get another bottle of wine, please?
Thanks, so kind. Thank you.
- Who's he?
- Hmm?
Him? Oh, he's he's an old friend of mine.
Oh! Go and say hi.
I'll go and say hello when I think
it's time to. How about that?
- [Gianna] Okay.
- Oh. You're tense, huh.
Not tense at all.
Mummy, why is Auntie Didi so tense?
Auntie isn't tense, darling.
Who is that?
He's He's [Didi clears throat]
His name's Alessandro.
We went to high school together.
He was in the fifth year, I was in first.
We were together for a bit,
then he decided um
- Um, to
- He broke up with you.
Yes, that thing you said, exactly.
The only man in all my relationships
who ever made the silly decision
of of well, actually to go ahead
- To end things.
- We just said that.
The concept is clear.
Yes, to break up with me. Exactly that.
Which is happening to you
quite often recently, right?
Yes, but I have a plan. So tonight,
I'm putting the whole thing into action.
What are you going to do?
I'm going to sleep with him.
Okay, sorry, how is that different
from what you usually do exactly?
I won't call him tomorrow.
Then he'll understand
that's not how you behave.
Which is more or less
what you always do, though.
Yes, but no one behaves like that with me.
- Excuse me, ladies.
- Ohh.
[Gianna] Wow.
- What an exit.
- Yeah
[Didi] Hello.
- Hi.
- So.
I don't know if you remember me. I'm Didi.
There's just two of us,
and we'll still enjoy ourselves.
Even more so!
Mummy, I need a wee-wee.
I do too.
- I
- Go on.
Yes, I'll be right back.
Yes, we'll be right back.
I'll leave this with you.
I can already see it
going down the toilet.
Let's go, kids.
[upbeat, jazzy music
playing in background]
["Be Mine" by Ofenbach playing]
[funky electronica music playing]
Have fun.
Have fun.
Stand up in the club
Come on, let's go ♪
She want me to come, he want me to go ♪
And if you wanna fight
Let's start the show ♪
'Cause I want you to be mine ♪
Stand up in the club
Come on, let's go ♪
And I want you to come
I won't let you go ♪
So if you wanna dance
Let's start the show ♪
'Cause I want you to be mine ♪
Yeah, I want you to be mine ♪
- Oh boy
- [Gianna laughing giddily]
- Sorry, uh
- Oh my god, what are you doing here?
[giggling] Hi!
- [Carlo] Hi. This is Gianna.
- How are you?
- How lovely to see you! You look great.
- Um, yeah.
- All good, yeah.
- Hi!
And you, you look
You made me fly! You made me properly fly!
I made her fly, and and but
We should see each other sometime!
Let's organise something.
- Yes Yes
- Um, dinner or wine.
We must. At least, uh
Anyway cheers to me, you. To us!
To us!
Cheers to that.
- Cheers!
- Chin chin.
[music playing faintly]
[toilet flushes]
Need to come in?
[Gianna] Ow!
Excuse me?
You leave my boyfriend alone.
[Gianna] Are you having fun?
Do you at all remember
that Guido has blue eyes?
- Yes.
- Yeah?
Thanks to you.
When you got married,
all you kept saying was,
"Guido's eyes are the colour of the ocean.
They're amazing, those big blue eyes."
I don't like therapy.
It's not good for us.
[Didi tittering]
At least Didi's having some fun.
- Excuse me a second.
- You can hear it vibrating from your bag?
I'll be right back.
- There she is.
- Hmm? So?
Mycoplasma hominis!
What I've been feeling the past few days.
- Mycoplasma hominis.
- Oh my God!
And the doctor was so considerate,
to inform me right away.
- Well, is it serious?
- I can't have sex. What do you think?
- Shh, hey!
- Oh come on. They've gone to sleep.
And that is the exact same thing
that I'll be doing tonight.
Just my pigging luck.
What happened to your nose?
- I need to wee, I can't hold it anymore.
- You drank too much.
I know, but it's not easy
to have fun after a breakup.
No, it's not easy to have
fun without having sex.
No, it's not easy
when you have children in tow.
Nothing personal, children.
You know Mummy loves you loads.
- I can't hold it anymore, I need to wee.
- Really?
I have to.
- Ah! This stall is that Gisella's.
- Yeah. And?
The one with the strawberries.
- I have to wee, I have to.
- No! That's really inappropriate!
No, come here to Auntie. Come here.
Oh God, I couldn't hold it anymore.
[Didi] I can't believe you're doing this.
[Gianna] That's so good!
Umberto, hello.
Sorry, it's just that
it's sheltered here and
Sorry Hi, Gisella.
Forgive me. It's been one of those
[Didi, Margherita laughing]
[quirky, lively music playing]
Mother Why won't you open?
[frustrated grunting]
- [Filippo] Do you need a hand?
- Hmm?
- Hold on. Come on.
- Yeah.
- Uh, no, not down, up!
- Up.
- Can you manage? Lean on me.
- Yes.
Okay, I think this is the one
- [key tumbling]
- [Gianna chuckles]
I'm completely drunk.
- But please, don't tell anyone.
- No. No, no, no, no.
Is Didi in?
- No.
- Didi?
- Didi is kindly walking Margherita home.
- Come on.
Did you know that Didi has micropolis
- What?
- providence!
And she can't have sex!
- Okay
- Didi can't have sex!
Okay, I get it. I didn't
want to know, but I get it.
[Gianna sighs]
How did you manage to move on?
And not suffer?
Move on? You're asking me,
with my Blink-182 shirt?
[both laughing]
I don't know if you can stop suffering.
I don't even know if it's possible.
I am sure raising Monica
definitely helped me a lot.
[soothing electronica beats playing]
Did you really used to
listen to Blink-182?
Filippo, you're an expert on abstinence.
People who don't have sex,
what exactly do they do?
I mean, to have fun.
What do they do to stop thinking about it?
- Um
- I know.
They make fools of themselves.
Like Like having a door
slammed in their face
by the girlfriend of their ex,
or having a wee in front of an ex,
things like that.
- I don't follow.
- Don't worry.
Actually, if you want to help,
give her a hand with Christmas dinner.
Because after what she did at Giotto's,
she'll never be able to book again!
Of course. I'll send you over the menu,
then you can look over the ingredients.
Thank you. And I've had an idea
to attract some young customers.
[Filippo] Yeah?
We could organise a Tinder night
where you swipe live.
- Tinder?
- Yeah.
I'm not sure I'm the right guy for that.
I'll ask my colleagues
who go to these events.
Help me, I need to find a way
to stop thinking about
Girl with the French horn's here!
I'm going to the concert rehearsal
with the band.
It's nice of you to walk there with me.
Yes, just know
that I'm not doing it for you.
I'm doing it in the hope
that hanging around these loser places
will make me forget
that I can't have sex, that's all.
Mmm, I'll have you know
that rehearsals aren't for losers.
[band playing brassy version
of "Silent Night"]
Oh, they are.
[band trailing off]
[matron, Pietro laugh]
Hi, Dad.
- Hi.
- How are you feeling today?
Mmm, I've never felt better.
You're all treating me so nicely.
Uh, I need to take some blood.
Ah! No, I can do it.
- Oh, no. It's no problem, I'll do it
- No, no. I'll do it, really!
[low rumbling]
[operatic aria playing]
Dead grandmother, dead grandmother,
dead grandmother, dead grandmother!
[Gianna] And try to have fun.
♪all my worries ♪
Going to leave them behind ♪
If I should fail ♪
I'm gonna lose my mind ♪
There aren't many.
It looks like my work colleagues
have more female friends than male ones.
Let's cancel.
What do you mean? We can't kick them out.
And you finally have some young customers.
- Gianna, nearly all of them are women.
- Yeah?
- Huh? Huh.
- Huh.
- We need more men.
- Who?
You and the barman
will have to participate.
- Me? No.
- Yes.
Oh, come on, you can meet some new people.
That's the point!
I don't want to meet any new people.
[laughs] Come on, it's fun.
- No, and don't laugh!
- Come on! Have fun!
Something fundamental for a couple
is for each to have their own goals.
What are your goals?
That's something I'd never
really thought about, but
What What are you writing?
Nothing. Thank you.
We'll be letting you know.
- Who will? How many of you are there?
- [women] Two!
There are two of us!
Lots of taboos have already
been broken, why not polygamy?
- Is there a problem?
- No, it's not a problem.
I'm a modern man.
Yes, but maybe you could
turn the other way.
Alice can feel the weight
of your judgmental male gaze.
[lively ukulele music playing]
- [snorts]
- [patron] All right, sorry
All right, sorry.
Could I get a sandwich to take away?
Thank you. I'm back, um
Don't give him too much of a dose,
or we could lose him, okay?
Anyway, I'll be right there.
You're a doctor.
Sorry, I accidentally overheard.
- Vet, to be exact.
- Oh.
A poodle with a suspected heart attack.
My father had a heart attack
not long ago, but now he's fine.
I'm a nurse, myself.
- Bruno.
- Hi.
Are you here for the Tinder event?
No! No, no, no, no, no.
Absolutely not. My friend's taking part.
- Is that him?
- Yes.
[cheekily alluring music playing]
Now it's your turn.
[both laughing]
- I've given up. Yes.
- Wise decision, I'd say.
You're right.
Well, in any case, you
you don't need any of this, for sure.
- [laughs] Thank you.
- Thank you.
I have to run.
- The poodle.
- The poodle.
Listen, can I
- Sorry.
- Ah.
I mean, in case you ever need
a vet in your life, eh?
Okay. Okay.
Mmm, thank you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[Filippo gagging]
[woman] Wait!
My name is Pippa. Weird name, I know.
Pippo! I mean, Filippo,
but everyone called me Pippo
when I was a boy.
You're You're really funny.
I didn't remember being single
being like this, at all!
Actually, it's much worse.
I'm talking from personal experience.
But, but, the place was packed.
So, thank you, you've been very kind.
You're welcome.
In fact, you were right.
It made me forget
all about Umberto tonight.
I even had fun, actually.
I didn't have any fun though.
If I have to spend one more evening
with the band, I'm going to kill myself.
Silent night, holy night ♪
- Was she with Monica?
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
[feisty music playing]
[low tuba note drones]
[doorbell rings]
- Good morning.
- Morning. Delivery for Filippo Sarli.
Ah. No, you want apartment C.
You see, this is B, it's written here.
- [Filippo] Is it for me?
- Uh-huh.
Oh, thanks.
- Thanks.
- [Filippo] Thanks.
[Gianna] Bye. Who's it from?
Hold on, just a minute.
She's asked me out.
- Yeah.
- [strained grunting]
- Everything all right?
- Hmm.
[door slams]
I mean, I'm not jealous at all.
No, I'm completely happy
for Filippo. Mm-hmm. Yes.
It took me a lifetime
to find a decent boyfriend.
This guy, on his first attempt, bam!
A super gorgeous girl asks him out.
It's cool! No, no, no.
Absolutely all okay.
I'm happy for Filippo and Pippa.
[stifled giggle] Her name is Pippa.
You know,
like the Princess of Wales's sister?
The one with the nice arse,
only this one's is even more gorgeous.
Look what I learned in Bali.
- Are you a real magician?
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Ah! Did you have a daughter
you never told me of?
Yes, Gianna.
- [both chuckle]
- Jokes.
No, I work in children's education.
- In Bali.
- Ah.
Um, I mean, nothing special.
I help with homework.
Ah, he helps Bali school children
with their homework, in a blooming NGO!
Come on.
A dead grandma won't be enough now.
I need a family massacre.
It's a non-profit organization.
In fact, as soon as my friend's better,
I want to go back.
And you should think about it too.
Really. We always need nurses and medics.
And Bali's a place
you've not been to, right?
You're right, I've never been there.
- Excuse me, is the matron around here?
- No.
Excuse me a second. Um, Dad?
- Gianna.
- Where are you going?
I'm trying to find the matron.
Have you seen her?
Oh, why do you need her?
I wanted to thank her.
She made a cake for me today.
- [knowingly] Oh.
- No one has ever baked for me, Gianna.
Uh, well
Apart from your mother, of course.
Okay, I get it. It's fine to relax
and take things easy in life, I know
but everyone's moving on except me!
My dad Umberto
["What's My Age Again?"
by Blink-182 playing faintly]
Blink-182 are really bloody wicked!
- You don't say.
- Super cool!
["What's My Age Again?" trailing off]
What if I invite Pippa
to Christmas dinner?
That way, maybe, under the tree,
after a magical dinner,
she might find a decent name!
- No! You're such a horrible person!
- Yeah, right! Oh, come on!
Her parents are the bad people!
- You know what makes me laugh?
- Hmm.
I know that you really do believe
that Christmas dinner is magical.
- No.
- Yes, you do.
I mean, I don't know.
I just know that the only time
we didn't do it was really horrible.
Mmm, tell me about it.
It was just the first time
that my mum left home, and
straight after that there was
this atmosphere of uncertainty,
- and it wasn't nice.
- Hmm?
I don't want that to happen to me too.
I mean, I don't want to suffer for someone
who'll then just one day get up and leave.
Have you tried thinking
about it from her perspective?
- No.
- Try it.
- I don't know.
- Being a good parent.
- I mean, the responsibility is enormous.
- Hmm.
Even if you just make
a teeny, tiny mistake, and
[imitates explosion]
It turns into disaster.
I always teach my daughter three things.
- No to cynicism.
- Mm-hmm.
Absolutely under no circumstances drugs,
they're strictly forbidden.
I can't remember.
[both laughing]
Dance like nobody's watching.
["What's My Age Again?"
by Blink-182 playing]
I took her out, it was a Friday night ♪
I wore cologne
To get the feelin' right ♪
We started makin' out
And she took off my pants ♪
But then I turned on the TV ♪
And that's about the time
She walked away from me ♪
Nobody likes you when you're 23 ♪
And are still more amused by TV shows ♪
What the hell is ADD? ♪
My friends say I should act my age ♪
What's my age again? ♪
What's my age again? ♪
What's my age again? ♪
[song trails off]
["I Hate Xmas" by Marco Guazzone playing]
Holy cow, it's morning already ♪
The sun is up ♪
It's up ♪
And I am not ready yet ♪
Holy cow, it's morning already ♪
The sun is up ♪
It's up ♪
And I am not ready yet ♪
And I'll give you the way to let go ♪
But it don't really matter to me ♪
[singer vocalizing festive notes]
[song trails off]
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