I Hate Christmas (2022) s02e02 Episode Script

Uno qualunque

Are you familiar with Murphy's law?
The one that states if anything
can go wrong, it probably will?
It's not real.
- [audio rewinding]
- [Gianna] Umberto!
I mean, yes,
everything did go wrong yesterday,
but, you know, the magic of Christmas
beats that silly Murphy's law.
[lively, eccentric music playing]
[Gianna] Yes, I know,
there are some problems.
And let's face it, compared to how things
have been going, they can only get better.
But my Christmas dinner
will fix everything.
Deep down,
our sense of family bond is still strong.
And when one of us calls upon it,
the others respond.
More or less.
So, I'm carrying on with confidence.
My Christmas dinner will fix everything.
[music halts]
I'm going to hand it to Umberto.
Maybe like [chuckles coyly]
Or [calmly] "There".
You can't refuse
an invitation to Christmas dinner.
Plus it'll be after
I've asked for forgiveness, so
That's something you've already done.
Yes, but I need to do it again.
More forgiveness.
You could try and ask in Finnish
or whilst hopping on your left leg.
It's worth a go.
Listen, I'm the one in the wrong,
so now I have to be
much more caring, loving, patient
And a pushover, hmm?
- No.
- [doorbell ringing]
- That's Umberto!
- Umberto?
It's Umberto! It's Umberto!
- How can you
- I knew it!
No, it's just he could sense
the intentions.
You haven't done anything yet.
What intentions?
[zany, upbeat music playing]
- Hiya.
- Oh, hi.
Monica and I made you a cake to express
our thanks to you for the magnets,
but but you don't have a sweet tooth
- No! No, no.
- It's the gluten?
- No, I enjoy gluten. Thanks.
- Hiya.
- Hi.
- Hi. We met at the bar. My name is Didi.
I also live here.
Yes, I live we live there,
myself and Monica.
- Ah, the neighbour, the one
- [Gianna] Yes.
Don't worry
Yes. I know you could probably could do
better on the neighbours front, actually
Actually, while I'm here, if I may,
I'll leave you my keys. I hope it's okay.
You don't know how many times
I've locked myself out.
I don't really think that's
I don't think there's anything wrong
with that. It happens to us all the time.
Actually, take ours too,
then if you and Monica, his daughter,
can visit whenever they want.
[disbelieving laughter]
Sorry. So, the 15-year-old
That's so funny!
Thank you very much for the cake.
Thanks. Bye, Filippo.
Bye! Sorry!
Sorry. You could've let me explain though.
Now I look like a psychopath.
What's there to explain? You mean
that I thought he was a paedophile?
But he would be good
for making Umberto jealous. He's a bit
So to make up for one mistake,
I make another one. No.
now I need to make Umberto feel wanted,
and act more cutesy.
[buzzer buzzing]
- [man] Who is it?
- Hi, it's me.
I know you're angry with me. But I swear,
if you let me in, you'll forgive me.
Imagine telling our children one day,
"Do you remember
when silly Mummy kissed Santa?"
- Picture it that way.
- [man] Santa Claus?
You should be ashamed!
Excuse me, uh, who is who's that?
Excuse me, who are you?
You're the one who buzzed me.
Yes, actually, I made a mistake.
My apologies, I pressed the wrong button.
[eccentric, funky music playing]
Anyway, I saw Dr Menghini leave early.
He said he'd changed his shift.
Ah, okay.
And now I understand why he did it.
[eccentric, funky music continuing]
[music trails off]
He's just finished.
He asked me to change his shifts.
I wasn't born yesterday.
Uh Okay, listen.
Would it be possible to change mine too?
I just need to speak to him quickly.
Just a swap.
I can't do that.
And don't ask me
to get involved in your disputes.
No, actually, you're right, I'm sorry.
I can tell you that there's
a colleague on leave from tomorrow though.
You could always do a double shift.
Uh, no, no, thanks.
I'll find a way.
Good morning.
If only.
Yeah, right.
I've had better days too, hey.
But also worse ones.
Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I apologise.
I really didn't mean to.
It's true that everything's
gone wrong and I was dumped,
but, you know,
that's not wrong to this extent.
I mean, not that this is wrong.
Obviously, it's, uh
- Can I start again? I'm sorry.
- [chuckles]
I'm Gianna, I don't usually
act this way, I'll be your nurse,
and I've made myself look completely
like a complete fool. Gianna.
Stella. Nice to meet you.
Anyway, don't worry.
I mean, being dumped is horrible.
I can understand if you're down.
But the good thing is,
if you're feeling down,
then you can only feel better.
[quirky music playing]
[phone chimes]
Seems you're having a poor time though.
Look at it this way.
When you hit rock bottom,
liberation comes next.
You know that girl from the cartoon
who always sees
the positive side of every tragedy?
No? Well, anyways, Stella put me
in the right frame of mind,
because she reminded me
of the significant difference
between her personal tragedy
and my tragedy.
I mean, a leg can't grow back,
but a strong romance can still heal.
It's not that hard.
I'll do double shifts, I'll carry on
organising the Christmas dinner, and
Hmm. Well, I didn't really like
Pollyanna that much anyway, so, uh
[warm, lilting music playing]
[Gianna] Hi, Mum.
Hi, sweetheart.
So, it's true.
You live on a boat.
Yes. Pretty, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- My friend from Pilates lent it to me.
I've always wanted to be free
and, well, travel the world
Mum, but you don't know how to sail.
Gianna, you always were a pedantic child.
Anyway, I'm here
because I wanted to ask about the dinner.
What dinner? Oh, yes. I have some wine
in the hold, but I don't have any glasses.
No, my Christmas dinner.
I sent an invitation.
I'm doing it this year, at mine.
All I need is your recipe book,
and I'm going to take care of it all.
You and Dad just both need to show up.
Look, I don't know,
the recipe book is probably still at home.
Regarding your father, try asking him
if he wants to come, but I'm telling you,
since we've been separated
- he seems a bit
- Well, um
He's probably already
regretting the separation.
- [TV presenter speaking indistinctly]
- [door slams]
Gianna, how lovely to see you.
- Hey.
- Hold on, I'll just
- [muffled] Hold on.
- Ah.
[TV presenter]
There are many species of fish that could
Do you want a beer?
A beer?
- No, I don't. No, thanks.
- No?
[Gianna] Things have changed a bit.
What's happened to the house?
Well, you know, without your mother
Yeah, I know.
It's, uh, not easy on your own.
But I think if you talk to each other,
you can sort everything out.
- [scoffs] Are you joking?
- No, no.
Look, I guarantee she's not happy either.
And it's never too late
to turn things around.
No, no, no, no, no. Gianna, I'm the one
who doesn't want to turn things around.
But you just said
that without Mum around
Without your mother,
I can just leave the mess, Gianna.
[chuckles] I can eat hamburgers and fries
in front of the TV if I want to.
We've split our jobs up at the store.
- Ah.
- I sleep in late.
I go down to the cafe for breakfast
in the morning, I read my newspaper.
What do you think?
I think you're reacting like a teenager.
Ah, I don't think so at all.
Well, anyway.
24th December, dinner at my place.
Period. All right?
All right.
[Gianna sighs]
They're cold!
- Well
- Anyway, I need this.
[whimsical music playing]
See ya, Dad.
Scampi. "Brown the scampi tails
for a couple of minutes
in butter and finely chopped garlic."
- That's important. "Soak with brandy"
- Gianna, enough now.
Why are you obsessed
with this Christmas dinner?
If we don't do it once,
nothing's gonna happen.
Everything will remain a disaster!
No! No, no, no, no. Anyway,
Christmas dinners have the power to
They fix everything. We have to.
Why don't you concentrate on this dinner
with all this lovely, delicious food?
Or it was
I can bring you some more
if you like. I made more than enough.
Oh, you do everything here?
Mmm the cocktails, the cooking
Yes, even when I was with my wife,
I did the cooking.
Daddy's the best cook I know.
You see? You see? There's no need
to put things right at all costs
because even when a marriage dies,
nothing bad happens.
Look at Monica. She looks happy anyway.
[chuckles wryly] Well, in my case,
though, it's not the marriage that died.
It was my mother.
In childbirth.
- [awkward stinger]
- Monica.
Don't worry. She likes joking
about her mother being dead.
I mean, her mother has passed away.
But, uh uh
She gets a kick out of seeing
people's reactions. Like
Like yours. [Gianna laughs]
Forgive me.
After that embarrassment,
I'll never set foot in here again.
No, don't worry.
Don't worry. I'm sorry, actually.
You're practically my only customers.
I mean, that's normal, the place is new.
And the bar opposite is
selling cocktails two for one.
But they'll learn after
their first hangover from cheap vodka.
Um, speaking of hangovers, Didi?
Wasn't she supposed to come tonight?
Well, Didi's single again,
so she'll be focusing on her personal joy.
Well, being single does mean you have
time for yourself. Play card games.
Decorate ceramics.
- Do lots of volunteer work.
- [awkwardly] Well, Didi's activities are
Well, volunteered, and
She she's good to herself,
and she's good to others.
And to others! Yeah. Of course.
- That's good, right?
- Right?
[eccentric music playing]
[man] Goodnight, sir.
See you Saturday at Giotto's.
[delicate, enchanting music playing]
[tires screech]
- Didi?
- What are you looking at?
Did you finish your volunteer work?
Yes. No, I was just I just saw a
- There was a shooting star.
- Oh! Where?
- Did you make a wish?
- Yeah.
I did wish for wedged trainers
to disappear off the earth forever, and
- Yep.
- I
wish for the perfect Christmas dinner.
One that preferably cooks itself.
- [laughs]
- A quick and painless divorce.
What? Only six couple therapy sessions.
End of. That's the deal with Guido.
And anyway, when the therapist finds out
how things went, one will be enough.
- It'll be obvious why I want to separate.
- Yes.
But please, after Christmas dinner.
- That's if we even do it.
- No, we will. We will.
Umberto will be there too.
I've sussed it out.
Double shifts.
["Shaboom" by Randi DeMarco playing]
Boom, boom, boom, shaboom, boom boom ♪
Boom, boom, boom, shaboom, boom boom ♪
Take a sip of that good-good, yeah ♪
Get your groove and get back ♪
Boom, boom, boom ♪
Boom, boom, boom, shaboom, boom boom ♪
Boom, boom, boom, shaboom, boom boom ♪
[patient] Excuse me.
I feel sick. Can you call the doctor?
[song trails off]
Oh God, did I fall asleep?
You must have been tired.
- My goodness.
- It's okay to sleep when you're tired.
No, it's not, it's stupid.
I'm tired because I'm working
double shifts,
and all for something
that that didn't even work.
What was it supposed to be for?
[rueful laugh]
It was supposed to help me
see the guy who dumped me, but
He works here.
But it seems as though he's avoiding me.
Who, Umberto?
How do you know him?
Oh, it's so clear.
You're being a pushover.
I'm a pushover?
Mm-hmm. Yes.
But better to be a pushover
than a cry-baby.
- Yeah?
- Yes.
- Oh, Emma?
- Hmm?
Listen, do you think
I seem like a pushover with Umberto?
No, you don't seem like a pushover.
You are a pushover.
There's a difference.
[eccentric, whimsical music playing]
My goodness.
I called you ten times, you know.
I know. I turned my phone off.
That way, if Umberto calls me,
I won't seem a pushover.
- Finally. Better late than never.
- Yes.
I've ordered breakfast for you.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- Hi.
- Hiya.
Let's see how many times
he tried to call me.
Wait. I don't think I have signal here.
Where can I get signal?
You can get signal everywhere.
He's ghosting you.
- No.
- He is.
- He's ghosting me?
- He's ghosting you.
There's always that other plan.
No, I don't want to pretend
just to make him jealous.
I think it's silly and nasty.
Whereas kissing Santa Claus
was refined and classy?
He now understands
you've distanced yourself.
The next step is to get him to understand
if he doesn't come back to you quickly,
you'll move on and leave. Goodbye!
No, sorry to intrude, but
This might be more of a male perspective,
but aren't you going too far?
You made a mistake, okay,
but if he really loves you,
he'll forgive you, right?
By Christmas?
Well, that depends on what you did.
[audio rewinding]
Who can I make him jealous with?
[Didi attempting to grunt subtly]
No! No, no, no! Don't even think about it.
I made a pact with myself.
Until Monica goes to university,
she's the only priority for me.
No! No.
Well, in order to make him jealous,
you don't need someone in particular,
do you? Anyone will do, right?
Anyone will do.
[low, swaggering hip-hop playing]
Yeah, I'm bad ♪
Do you know each other?
- [record scratch]
- Hold on!
Wait a moment, we said "anyone".
Davide isn't just anyone.
Davide is unattainable.
A forbidden dream of mine. Davide
I'm a dad, you're disowned ♪
I'm a fire hazard
Makin' hits from my home ♪
Well [weak chuckle]
I'm in the wrong room. Sorry.
Just a sec.
Thanks a lot, fate! Thanks!
Now in hospital there's not just
one guy who dumped me, but two!
[objects clattering]
So, who are we avoiding
in this storage cupboard?
No one.
- No No one.
- Hmm.
No, I was I was
[gentle, enchanting music playing]
- I was just looking for this.
- Oh, the feather duster?
- Yes, the feather duster.
- [chuckles]
Do you know the cause
of the drastic fall in mortality
during childbirth in the 19th century?
It was hygiene.
You know, hygiene is highly underrated.
I missed you.
[Gianna] So, what happened?
My friend had this bad accident.
He's actually going to take
some time to recover, and, uh
his parents are working abroad,
so I'm spending Christmas with him now.
Yeah, I'm bad to the bone ♪
I ain't sure what you've been told
Yeah, I'm bad ♪
Are you all right?
Yes. Yes, just allergies.
No. It was my late grandmother.
[chuckles] That's the only thing
that came into my head
to drive away
the image of us two you know.
Thanks, Grandma. Sorry.
Anyway, I must admit it was awkward
seeing you next to my boyfriend.
Although I'm not even sure
if he is my boyfriend anymore
because I messed up a bit.
Oh, uh, you're together.
Yes. Umberto.
[phone vibrating]
- Sorry, got to take this call quickly.
- Yeah, sure.
Hello. Yes, it's me.
[therapist] The main problem
in a relationship is communication.
We think we're talking to one another,
but no one's listening.
That's it! Ha!
Maybe therapy will actually be useful.
So, let me start by telling you
the story of our marriage
No, I don't want to hear the
story of your marriage right now.
- No?
- No.
I want to start with you.
Uh, I want you to lie down right now
[lively jazz music playing]
close your eyes,
and tell me,
today, who are you?
[discombobulating jazz music playing]
- Who are you, Pippi Longstocking?
- You're a loser!
[bully 1] What's with the braid,
Pippi Longstocking?
[Monica] No!
Good morning, girls.
A little unfortunate, attacking a girl
in front of her lawyer, wouldn't you say?
So now,
in addition to psychological damage,
we can also claim
for the material damages.
Oh, and terrible choice of clothing,
by the way.
Can I help you at all?
- You were fantastic.
- It was nothing.
They're idiots, just two silly girls.
And I felt bad about the
This thing here, the flute.
It's a French horn, actually.
Oh! French Right, I'd maybe avoid
saying that when you're out,
because, well, see what kinds of things
happen with a French horn.
[sniffles] It's because I'm the newbie.
Dad and I only moved
to Chioggia a little while ago.
New here, and with a French horn!
Ah, well
New, but with a father who owns a bar
that I could steal alcohol from.
You know you shouldn't
steal alcohol, don't you?
At least, not without my supervision.
[both laughing]
Stand still for a minute.
Anyway, I don't like
how that case was closed.
Fact of the matter is that
it was never in the man's favour anyway.
- Okay, sorry.
- You also have someone bothering you?
- No. Yes. No.
- Hmm?
No, actually.
It's just that You see, there's a guy
who works here who was the only
I mean, we were together for a while,
then he decided
- I mean, he chose to
- Break it up?
And why are you hiding?
You're gorgeous.
If he sees you,
he'll be blown away by what he let go.
[gentle, enchanting music playing]
- Excuse me, matron?
- Mmm?
Can I ask not to have to
take care of bed 12, if possible?
Nothing important, it's just
a small personal matter, that's all.
The doctor who attended to that boy
was going to the airport.
And he missed his flight
so he could help him.
And even in his case,
it was a personal matter.
- That's true, but
- The Hippocratic Oath is a serious matter.
Even if you attend to a murderer
or an ex-boyfriend
you don't want to see anymore,
if they call you, you have to go.
[eccentric, lively music playing]
[exaggerated hyperventilating]
Hi, Umberto.
Sorry, I don't know who else to ask.
It's just that I've had an accident,
and ah! It's really painful.
I've had an accident at home.
Please, come as fast as you can.
- As soon as possible. Thank you.
- [phone beeps]
[zany music trails off]
[doorbell jingling]
[Gianna] Umberto?
[Filippo] Uh it's just me, Filippo.
Filippo, no! [grunts]
[grunting in pain]
[muttering] Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Everything all right?
- No, no, no, no. Please, come quick.
I'm in the bathroom, I've hurt myself.
Hey, uh
- Hello.
- Can I, uh
- Yes.
- Okay, uhh
I came over to bring you a tiramisu,
uhh but I can see that, uh
I've sprained my ankle.
It hurts like hell.
Hold on, I'll give you a hand. Come on.
- No, it hurts too much.
- Your hand, your hand
- Lean on me.
- Ouch! No, no.
I can't. It hurts too much.
Okay, well, if you're not capable
of getting up, then I'll come down to you.
- There. Wait.
- Here. I slipped, and
- The top. Okay.
- Yes. Here.
What did you do?
You, uh
I staged a domestic accident.
Yes, I pretended to hurt myself.
I sent a voice note to Umberto.
I thought he'd arrived.
I slipped and hurt myself, and
Anyway, he wasn't worried
and he didn't come.
But it wasn't real, though.
No, I know, but
if the accident was real,
and I'd actually hurt myself, he doesn't
Look, listen, I think
that the best thing for you to do now
is go and be honest with him.
["Erotic Friendship"
by Enfant Sauvage playing]
[spacey, brooding electronica playing]
It's early morning, but we don't care ♪
It's the thousandth last cigarette ♪
Like a treasure without a bay ♪
There's nowhere to stay ♪
We're fading into space ♪
[Gianna] Six days, huh?
Moved on after six days only.
That's all!
Well, at least you'll save
on the couples therapy.
A-hundred-fifty euros
to look at the ceiling.
And here I am,
trying to organise this Christmas dinner,
- wanting it to be perfect
- No!
You're doing Christmas dinner
for yourself.
You said it fixes things.
- I said that? Ah.
- Yes, you did.
I hope it fixes my back.
The therapist has us
laying down on the floor for an hour!
Have I already told you?
- Yes. Several times.
- Yes.
Here's what you do.
Get them all around a table,
maybe in a nice little place
Actually, there's a very nice restaurant,
it's quite popular, called 'Giotto's'.
[Filippo] Found it!
- [Gianna grunts]
- It's swollen.
Did you walk on it?
Listen, you told me to go and see Umberto!
Yes, but I didn't say
go to Umberto's right away!
I said, "Go to Umberto's!"
Well, let's look on the bright side.
You went there, you caught him.
Better to know
if someone's cheating on you, right?
[all three] No, never!
I'll get some water.
Shall I leave these here?
Ah! Uh Monica, meet Didi.
Didi, meet Monica. My daughter.
I told her to do some shopping.
I'm cooking tonight.
Would you like to invite some friends?
She's already got loads of friends.
A whole army of friends.
- Didi!
- Yeah?
[Didi] Ow!
Slow down. I've got heels on, slow down!
I'm begging, please don't tell Dad
about what happened today.
He'd just worry incessantly.
I'm not a snitch, but it's evident
there's a problem, right?
Then help me to sort things out.
Teach me how to be likeable.
What's the matter?
Look, we can't all be perfect like you.
That's very true, but
- And besides, you've been dumped too
- Hey! Oh! Hey!
What is this, blackmail now?
No, that's not the case.
We won't talk about it, then,
that thing you mentioned.
I'll help you.
[gentle, quizzical music playing]
What a lovely impression I made.
My goodness.
Well, you were lovely
Objectively. Objectively beautiful,
is what I mean. Not that I
I've never really been able
to talk to women.
The last time I went out with a woman,
I must have been barely 20 years old.
Then I married her!
[Gianna] Oh, so
I mean, after her
- Nothing serious.
- Nothing.
Not even nothing not serious.
To tell the truth,
I think I've only been out
with two women in my whole life.
- And one was his cousin!
- Ah! Ah?
There's always someone worse off than you.
What's the big deal?
All I did was walk in on my boyfriend
with another woman.
I could always just move somewhere else.
As my grandfather said,
"There is only one thing
there isn't a fix for."
- Cellulite! Oh.
- It's death.
Death. Sorry, sorry. Death.
Gianna, I just had a call
from the hospital.
Dad's had a heart attack.
[pensive outro music playing]
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