I Hate Christmas (2022) s02e01 Episode Script

La regina del Natale

[festive music playing]
["Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town"
by the Jackson 5 playing]
Santa Claus is coming to town ♪
Santa Claus is coming to town ♪
You better watch out
You better not cry ♪
You better not pout
I'm telling you why ♪
Santa Claus is coming to town ♪
Santa Claus is coming to town ♪
Santa Claus is coming to town ♪
[Gianna] And that's how it all started.
No, no. Don't look at me.
I'm not expecting more guests, I swear.
With a wonderful Christmas dinner.
[delicate, enchanting music playing]
[Gianna] Uh
[Gianna] What?
[gentle holiday indie pop song playing]
Thank you, but
t his is the scene from Love Actually.
Um, If I asked, would you tell me
who organised this surprise then?
No, I can't tell you.
Sorry, it's Santa-client privilege.
I'll explain myself. I've been looking
for a boyfriend for Christmas for 24 days,
so if a man is making
a declaration like this,
it's really important for me
to know who it is.
You really have to tell me.
[Marta] Gianna? Who is it?
It's bloody Santa!
["Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town" resumes]
[Gianna] There is something magical
about Christmas dinners.
However bad things are going,
however many mistakes you make,
if your family gets together at Christmas,
everything will be all right.
You better not pout
I'm telling you why ♪
Santa Claus is coming to town ♪
[Gianna] And indeed, a year ago
something magical did happen.
[knocking at door]
Santa Claus is coming to town ♪
[song trails off]
I'm sorry. I don't normally turn up
on people's doorsteps unannounced.
Especially when it's Christmas Eve.
Don't worry. Come in. Come
What's happened?
Patrizio has gotten much worse.
He's in a coma.
Oh dear God.
There's nothing I can do except wait, and
I'm sorry, I know
I've already told you I love you,
and I don't want to put pressure on you.
- No
- It's just that
Remember the beginning of Love Actually?
- When he says during gloomy moments you
- Of course.
That you should think about
standing in the arrivals hall at Heathrow,
because that's where people
hug each other, and they love each other.
- I remember, of course.
- Well, to me that's what you are.
The hope that things
will turn out for the best.
[bright, hopeful music playing]
I know that being compared
to an airport waiting lounge
is not exactly
the most romantic thing in the world, but
if Umberto can cite "Love Actually",
then he must have sent me the Santa.
In fact, we've been together
for a year now.
And yeah, Patrizio is much better.
Turns out I was totally right.
Christmas dinners have
the power to fix everything.
[vibrant, upbeat music playing]
[Gianna] But this year,
there's nothing to fix.
I have a job I love,
and I even have a boyfriend I love.
Santa Claus was right.
I'm the queen of Christmas this year.
What on Earth has happened Gianna?
[Gianna] Maybe.
["edamame (feat. Rich Brian)"
by bbno$ playing]
Balls hanging low
While I pop a bottle off a yacht ♪
Chain swanging
Cling-clang and it cost a lot ♪
Bitch, I'm always at the guala
Yeah, and you are not ♪
[record scratch]
And that's me dramatically
screwing things up right up the swanny!
There are 24 days
until Christmas Eve dinner,
and I, the queen of Christmas,
cheated on my boyfriend with bloody Santa!
[quirky music playing]
Well, I must say,
at least there is
a certain consistency, hey?
Whatever, you spend 12 hours
the way I did, then we'll talk.
Good health!
["Jumping Game"
by Michele Braga & Emanuele Bossi playing]
[swaggering, soulful funk music playing]
Do you like it? Hmm?
[laughs] Don't laugh! It's lovely!
I don't know anyone
who loves Christmas as much as this.
Oh, well, it's become
a real family thing for us.
Actually, are you, uh
are you honestly ready
for your very first Christmas dinner
at the Belotti household?
- Are you prepared?
- Very much so.
Would you say you're ready
for the best-ever Christmas?
Oh! Thats a big statement.
Are you sure about that?
- The best?
- I have a surprise planned.
What surprise?
Come on!
Okay, so it's a surprise,
but give me a clue. Just one!
- No.
- No?
Well what if, for the rest of the evening,
I let you
watch that programme
about embarrassing illnesses
that makes me cringe
and that you love so much?
- Mmm no.
- Oh, no?
[sultry music playing]
And what if
I did this, huh?
[doorbell jingling]
- No!
- See?
See? That's the universe
telling me not to give in.
[phone ringing]
[doorbell jingling]
- Coming!
- [Umberto] Yeah, hello?
Here we are!
A new house, a new beginning ♪
With Tony Movers
You're always winning! Whoo! ♪
Just sign here
And you'll have no fear, hmm ♪
Ooh, um
Look, I'm sorry. They force us to sing it.
Oh no, that's fine.
It's just these aren't mine.
[laughs] I seem to have stolen your rhyme.
[annoyed grunt]
- No. The address is right.
- Can I look?
Oh, there you go. I'm B, and that's C.
So, it's a different apartment.
[frustrated groan]
Now I have to sing again.
Mmm, sorry about that.
Yes, that's the one.
What about these then
[quirky, eccentric music playing]
[neighbour] Yes, coming!
[mover] A new house, a new begin ♪
[Gianna] You'll never guess
what bizarre people
the new neighbours are.
He's practically your age,
and she's, uh, practically a baby.
Yes, the gift,
if you could wrap it up nicely, please.
I'd like to give it to my girlfriend
tonight in front of her parents.
- [wincing]
- All right, thank you.
[quirky music playing]
I know, you shouldn't listen
to other people's phone calls,
but all the clues are there.
Come on! "Wrap it up nicely.
It's a surprise for the girlfriend."
"Looking for the parents' approval."
I know.
Umberto wants to propose.
[tender music playing]
It's just that from that point on,
very strange things started happening.
["The Pam Pam Song"
by Michele Braga & Emanuele Bossi playing]
[spritely, eccentric music playing]
- Whoa!
- What's happening?
Looks like a puncture.
- Tyre's gone down?
- Mmm.
Didn't hit any holes, did we?
Well, things wear out, you know.
Come on, we'll walk.
Oh, about Margherita,
I have to go with her
to the divorce lawyer this afternoon.
I feel sorry for the children,
but maybe it's for the best.
Well, first, she cheats on him,
and he leaves.
Then she asks him to forgive her,
and he comes back.
But they can't stand each other,
so he leaves again.
It sounds like
they've really tried it all.
Sometimes it's better to admit
there's nothing more to be done.
When they got married,
they were insufferable.
All she did was go on about
how his eyes were
"the colour of the ocean",
bloody always!
Maybe that doesn't mean anything,
but she was crazy about him.
Hey, maybe Christmas will work its magic.
Hey, wait.
Wait a mo "Eros Planet"?
But this this has been a bridal shop
since I was a young girl.
What's that?
Did you want to buy a wedding dress?
- Hmm?
- No! Of course not.
But everything feels strange today,
you know?
[church bell tolling in distance]
Guys! Raffle tickets for ya?
No, thanks. I've already
won at life with this one.
Oh, that's a shame.
I'm sorry, why?
These prizes are great.
It's a shame to not have a go.
- They're great this year.
- Ah.
Like what?
Well, um, such as
first prize, a cruise for singles.
Second prize, a spa day
all about self-care and well-being.
Third prize, a double luxury pillow.
This one, but it's just for one person,
and I make them with my own hands!
I say enough with the outdated idea
that single people should only be allowed
to sleep on one side. No!
Now, if you're on your own,
you can have the whole bed to yourself.
[flat chuckle]
- Tickets?
- Thanks, bye!
Never mind.
[eccentric music playing]
- I'll see you when we do rounds.
- Okay, bye.
Oh, remember to ask
for Christmas Eve free, okay?
Even though we have
the right this year, as we're a couple!
[Umberto] Mm-hmm.
- Hi, girls.
- [coworkers] Hi.
Come on, how about this one?
No, not that one.
He's only got group photos, see?
Well, that means
he's a sociable individual.
No, it just means he's ugly.
Group photos divert your attention.
Come on, this one is cute though.
Look, he's got a dog.
Exactly! You go back home in the evening
only to find you're holding a leash!
Can I say something?
If I've managed to find a boyfriend, then
No, I just mean
the right one will come along soon.
- We don't want the right one, though.
- No?
Everyone knows
he'll then turn into the wrong one.
Well, you know
Mmm, we just want
those first date feelings.
- You know, the ones where he looks at you
- You look at him
[coworkers chuckle]
And it's all
Couples are boring.
Just look around.
People who are together
end up looking like each other.
Yeah, only old people
stay together as couples.
[eccentric music playing]
Oh, in any case, I'm not that old am I?
Come on. I do CrossFit,
I listen to trap music,
I like young trendy music.
Anyway, Didi, answer me,
call me back, I miss you.
Oh, tell Mario to remember
Christmas dinner with my parents.
And well, come on,
answer me and call me back.
And anyway, I have to say,
I don't look anything like Umberto.
[Gianna] No, no, no, no, no.
[quirky music continuing]
Good morning, Ezio. How are you?
- Elio. His name's Elio.
- Oh sorry. Oh, excuse me.
He's been admitted for migraines
and has reported problems with his vision.
I'm sorry, I don't usually
get names wrong, but Elio and Ezio
"He who excuses himself, accuses himself".
But, seeing as you insist,
I'll explain that Elio and Ezio
sound similar,
but they have different etymologies.
One comes from Greek,
the other from Etruscan, incidentally.
Thank you.
[Umberto] Back to your migraines.
Our initial tests
haven't shown up anything abnormal,
so I wanted to ask
if it's a particularly stressful
or tiring time for you.
No. I've been finally able to retire.
Well, I'll leave you with Gianna,
who can fill out your chart,
and I'll see you in half an hour.
- Thank you.
- And I'll see you at lunch.
Careful or you'll get a B-minus.
I'm sorry about Elio and Ezio
- What do you mean?
- About before, the
Listen, um, will I have to wait long
for the doctor to visit?
'Cause I have a class at 5:00,
and the students will be waiting for me.
Uhh, no, no, no.
You'll be on time. Don't worry.
Excuse me, matron.
I just wanted to tell you
something about Professor Arlanch.
He told me he needed to run to his class,
but he's actually, uh,
been retired for a while.
So I wanted to ask for more tests,
because I think
it could be early onset Alzheimer's.
Too late.
Doctor Menghini has
already requested them.
Oh! [chuckles]
Now you're starting to think
and say the same things.
- Well
- You even look like each other.
[quirky music playing]
[tersely] Thanks.
[matron] Oh,
about having Christmas Eve off
You can rest assured it's yours.
Everyone's asking to take off New Year's,
and that's for all the singles.
[Gianna] Why is New Year for singles?
It's a party, what does that matter?
As if couples are not allowed fun.
- Huh? It doesn't make sense.
- Mm-hmm.
Then today,
two nurses looked at me like I was old
when I spoke about having a boyfriend.
- Hm.
- As if all couples were disgusting.
Yeah, alright. Just carry on. Work, is it?
- Of course.
- Always on the phone.
The house is mine, do you understand?
I'll never let you have it. Never! Never!
- Never!
- Enough!
We're in a divorce lawyer's office,
so it's normal for couples here
to be revolting.
- That's right.
- Huh? Aside from you and Guido.
- No, you can say it.
- You really are the exception.
Guido and I are a disaster.
[chuckles wryly] I should've left him
as soon as I cheated on him, but instead
Enough of this now.
Time for a quick divorce
and a brand-new life.
There he is. Um, move.
Go. I'll deal with this.
[delicate, enchanting music playing]
[clears throat]
He's a paedophile.
My neighbour is a paedophile.
Mmm, well.
Is there no shame?
I'm no longer a baby.
Hey, you're always going to be
my little girl, mm-hmm?
You're my daughter.
[jazzy, festive music playing]
There you are, finally!
I've been trying to call you all morning.
You never answered. What happened?
I didn't answer because my phone had
no reception. Do you know why that was?
I was in the woods
carrying on our moss tradition.
Every year on the 1st of December.
Et voilà, the moss for you.
Forgive me. I'm really, really sorry Didi.
I forgot, today's been one of those
I expected Margherita not to come.
She's getting divorced, fine.
Caterina's pregnant and in Milan, so
Whereas you, what's your excuse?
That you're an asshole? That's all.
Ah! And just so you know,
I broke up with Mario.
But you don't care.
Umberto will be there, so that's okay.
Didi! Didi, Didi!
Every mature person knows it's not logical
to blame objects that are so ugly
they make you question marriage,
especially when you're already
starting to question things.
[slick, groovy music playing]
I'm not a mature person.
[delicate, enchanting music playing]
I'm here!
Hi, sweetheart.
- Dad, I've brought you the moss.
- Oh!
I saw you haven't started
the nativity scene yet.
Has something happened?
- No
- Pietro, we'll talk about it at dinner.
Gianna, put an extra seat at the table.
Your sister's bringing a surprise guest.
[Gianna] Oh.
No, I didn't bring anyone with me.
He invited himself.
Right, uh, I'm going.
Hold on, wait.
So, you and Guido
have decided to give it another go?
- That's good.
- We're not giving it another go.
He blackmailed me.
He said he'll only give me a quick divorce
if I have still not changed my mind
after trying a round of couples therapy.
- Ah.
- Incredible! He still cares, huh?
Thanks, Mother.
- Actually
- Anyway, he doesn't care about me.
He cares about his socks being ironed
without having to pay for a maid.
Gianna don't ever get married.
It takes a second to say yes,
and then a lifetime to break up.
[eccentric music playing]
Well, let's not generalise.
Not like all marriages are a disaster.
For example, take Giulio and Silvia.
They're a good example. They're perfect.
[doorbell rings]
I'll go.
- Hi!
- Sorry, I need to throw up.
[Gianna] What's happened?
Put them somewhere safe
so we can avoid catastrophes.
- She's pregnant. She's pregnant.
- Oh
Twins. My life is
going to become hell. Hell!
Come on, cheer up.
- When did you find out?
- Yesterday.
Just think about it.
Four children in three years. It's insane!
Mathematically speaking, it's not, uh
I mean, it's like it's like
never waking up from a nightmare.
No, actually, it's worse,
because in order to have a nightmare,
you need to sleep. Impossible with twins
[chuckles grimly]
When they're born,
there won't even be time for that, so
Come on.
Can I just laugh a tiny, weeny little bit?
Come on, Margherita! Don't.
- Now's not the time.
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Come on. I'll go help Mother.
[footsteps receding]
- Gianna, can I give you some advice?
- Hmm?
If you want to get married,
check his genetics first.
Well, anyway, luckily you and Umberto
don't want to get married, so Right?
[Marta] Gianna, are you coming?
[eccentric music continuing]
[music trails off]
[Giulio] There she is.
- Umberto will be here soon.
- Don't worry about it.
- Pietro?
- Yes?
I'm coming.
Now, before we sit down
your father and I wanted
to make an announcement.
There will be
no Christmas dinner this year.
[confused laughter] What?
[Pietro] Yes, no.
The thing is, after 35 years of marriage,
three wonderful children
and four grandchildren
- Six, actually.
- Six.
That's right. After all that,
your mother and I have decided
to separate.
No, no, no, no.
Wait a minute, Mum, excuse me.
Okay, you've had your problems,
but you've always said that family
is the most important, it comes first.
Gianna, it wasn't your mother. It was me.
And now that you're all more or less
settled down, I can finally say it.
Guys, marriage is a disaster.
And so, that's it.
Excuse me, I think
I left something in the car.
Didn't Didn't she cycle here?
Remember me?
Oh, hi! Yes.
Santa Claus. Hi. I remember.
- You okay?
- Yes, yes. Everything's okay, yes
No, in fact, it's not okay,
not at all. At all.
I have a problem with Christmas,
I don't understand it anymore.
Last year, I was blissfully single.
Everyone wanted me to get married.
This year, I'm about to get married.
Everyone's telling me marriage is awful.
So, I don't know what to do.
I don't understand why Christmas hates me.
You explain it to me.
You're Santa Claus, aren't you!
Well, I mean, I don't know,
because I'm not really Santa Claus.
[laughing] Right.
- I work as a waiter the rest of the year.
- And so?
- But you want to know what I think?
- Yes.
Christmas doesn't hate you.
It just wants you to be happy.
Are you?
["edamame (feat. Rich Brian)"
by bbno$ playing]
Balls hanging low
While I pop a bottle off a yacht ♪
Chain swanging
Cling-clang and it cost a lot ♪
Bitch, I'm always at the guala
Yeah, and you are not ♪
Badass B
Keep on going 'til you hit the spot ♪
[record scratch]
- Oh God.
- [Santa yelps]
Oh God!
Oh God! Oh God, sorry! Forgive me!
Oh, forgive me! Sorry! Umberto?
Umberto, wait! Umberto, wait! Wait!
Wait. Listen to me. Listen to me.
I can explain.
Can you really explain to me
why I just caught you kissing Santa?
No, no, no. No Yes, I can explain.
Today has been a real nightmare for me.
It all started with that woman
at the stall saying "Singles, singles".
Then my colleagues told me I'm ancient.
The awful couples at Margherita's
divorce lawyer's office, Silvia vomiting,
- and my parents, my
- Gianna, Gianna! I'm out of here.
No, and you know what?
It was really you who started all this.
- Me?
- Yes, you!
Because you got
the bright idea in your head
to try and surprise me! Hmm? The ring.
You can't propose to me at Christmas
and combine two occasions.
A ring?
Gianna, I just wanted to ask you to spend
this New Year's Eve with me in New York.
[subdued, melancholy music playing]
But I'm gonna go on my own now,
because you can go
You can go to hell, Gianna.
- Vodka?
- Oh yes please, lots of it.
There we go.
I kissed Santa Claus!
The queen of Christmas kissed Santa Claus.
Not sure if you're getting
It's my fault.
Instead of protecting you, I burdened you
with all that anxiety about marriage.
I'm the older sister.
I should've been the one to kiss Santa.
You already kissed the underage barman.
I think that's enough, wouldn't you say?
He wasn't underage, he was a bit short.
Okay, so? What do I do now?
Talk to Umberto. Talk to each other.
Talk to him. I tried!
I tried talking to him, but it's too late.
Mmm You didn't see
the way he looked at me.
Eh, how did he look at you?
Lovingly. Umberto, he loves you!
And I love him too!
- You know what, Giannina?
- No?
When you thought Umberto wanted
to marry you, that scared you.
You were scared. Sometimes fear
makes people do strange things.
Hmm. Like cats on highways.
They get blinded,
don't run away, and then they die.
- But why would you
- You're not going to die.
If anything, I will.
I lost the perfect boyfriend
because I kissed a stranger.
I'm an idiot.
I've ruined everything, it's all
It's finished, my life is over!
It's not over.
Do you know what the proverb says?
When you hit rock bottom,
you know it's time
to put on your stilettos.
- [laughs] It was nice.
- That was just a bit uncalled for.
I'm sorry I've been a bit distracted
and haven't called you as much.
And I'm sorry about Mario.
That's okay.
He wanted a baby,
and, you know, it happens.
Now what?
Well now we go back to living together.
- Yes!
- No, no. Not you.
- No?
- No! We're going back to living together.
Not you, you moan too much.
- All right, then I won't
- You can see us often.
No, not often. Maybe now and then.
I'll even iron shirts, come on.
["Confident" by Justine Skye playing]
I'm feelin' myself
If you really must know ♪
Can't tell me I ain't killin' it ♪
You really should try some of this ♪
I'm confident, I'm confident, yeah ♪
I'm feelin' myself
If you really must know ♪
Can't tell me I ain't killin' it ♪
You really should try some of this ♪
I'm confident, I'm confident, yeah ♪
Heard you need a friend
You been in your head ♪
It's just that you tend to pedal angrily.
- No, I don't!
- Yes, you do.
- I need a rhythm.
- You make me lose balance.
One, two, three. One, two
You go too fast on that tandem.
No, don't say hi!
He's some kind of paedophile.
A paedophile?
Yes, his girlfriend must be 15 years old,
and they have
their photos on their towels.
- Ew.
- Yes, right.
[neighbour] Hey.
- Hi. Filippo.
- Oh, hi.
- Gianna. Hi.
- I'm your new neighbour.
Yes, I saw your face
printed on the cushions.
No! How embarrassing!
Apologies, they were
a gift from my daughter.
- Oh, from your daughter?
- Yes. Yes. Monica, she's 15.
She's a full-blown teenager.
She enjoys sticking our faces everywhere.
- I know, it's strange, I realise that
- No! No, no, no! It's cute.
My wife passed away,
so Monica and I said that life is too sad
to be taken seriously,
so it's better to have our faces
on some towels than on a gravestone.
- I've made you feel awkward. Sorry.
- No, no.
Look, to make up for the awkwardness
and this chaos the past few days,
what do you say,
meet at the bar on the canal?
The one with the little tables
that's been closed for a year.
- You mean Caterina's bar?
- Yes. Monica and I have taken it over.
I see.
So, you're officially invited
to the to the grand opening.
- Thank you very much.
- Okay.
- Great. Bye.
- Bye, Filippo. Bye.
Oh, sorry. Uh
- Yes?
- It's important.
You haven't seen my fridge,
by any chance, have you?
A fridge? Fridge, fridge
[frantic drumroll]
- No. No fridge. Sorry, no.
- No?
Okay, it doesn't matter.
It was old. It's just that
There were some magnets, heart-shaped,
on it that my wife made, so, you know
[frantic drumroll continuing]
Well, never mind. Thank you.
I'll see you at the grand opening then.
- Thank you. Bye.
- Bye.
[zany, jazzy music playing]
Sorry, remind me
why you're rummaging through a bin?
Because I've decided to win back Umberto,
and to win back Umberto,
I'm going to need you,
and to have you, I'll need alcohol,
but to get alcohol, I'm gonna need a bar.
- I don't follow
- I'll explain later.
[muffled] Aha!
Here they are! [laughs] I've found them.
Do I really have to Yes, okay, all right.
[Didi] There are more? More.
And this will be over soon, will it?
[Gianna] And that's how
it all started again.
One betrayal, two divorces,
an unexpected pregnancy,
and a Christmas dinner to organise
in order to sort everything out.
In 24 days.
["I Hate Xmas" by Marco Guazzone playing]
[singer vocalizing festive notes]
Holy cow, it's morning already ♪
The sun is up ♪
It's up ♪
And I am not ready yet ♪
Holy cow, it's morning already ♪
The sun is up ♪
It's up ♪
And I am not ready yet ♪
[song trails off]
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