I Hate Suzie (2020) s01e05 Episode Script


-At least she's having fun.
Three of her sucking his cock,
and then this one taken after.
-There's more in the background.
-Do you see?
-COB: What? I don't see anything.
Ha-ha. Look closer.
-Ha-ha! Slag.
-Terrible tits too.
-Yes, I prefer bigger ones.
-On a smaller frame, ideally.
Aw, your preference is for
bigger breasts on a smaller frame.
What a connoisseur.
What a rare and unique
gazonga palette you have, sir.
I haven't seen that top before.
-But have you looked over there?
-Room service!
COB: Plates? Some food? A wineglass?
-But what's above the wineglass?
-Now you see it. Deep background.
-Drugs as well. Disgusting.
That's not all she put in her mouth.
-Ha-ha. Ha-ha.
-Ha-ha. Ha-ha.
-Ha-ha. Ha-ha. Ha-ha.
I keep reporting all the sites
that upload it
and then threatening
anyone who reposts.
Some otherfucker puts it up.
Cob, you don't have to do that, OK?
-The lawyers are on it, it's not
-It's not your problem.
-Isn't it?
Did you watch that TED Talk
I sent you?
No, I didn't.
And maybe don't send me any more
fucking YouTube clips
from fucking Naomi for me to watch
about your fucking infidelity.
Sorry, I thought I'd deleted
the bottom of the email.
But it's Esther Perel, you know?
She's very good.
When was the last time
you took drugs?
-What sort of drugs?
I mean, women take
all sorts of drugs,
you know, all the time
to deal with all the pain.
Do you know what else
is in those photos?
(SIGHS) His balls?
My stretch marks?
If you look really closely,
am I in blackface?
-Coke. Cocaine.
On a phone. His, presumably.
You're fucking joking?
Nope. Someone in one of the forums
really kindly blew it up.
Yeah. Didn't mention that, did you,
when we talked about it?
I didn't mention
Of course I didn't mention that.
-That wasn't the main
-So it's that common, is it?
For you to take a shitload
of drugs with someone?
-And then
We used to do that all the time
before webefore Frank.
And I assumed that
we both gave all that up.
Really? 'Cause can I raise a hand
to the Critics Circle Award 2016?
Fuck off! That was, like,
10 years ago!
-No, it was 2016.
-I'm not boring!
OK? It'sit's like
It's like you made me boring.
We both agreed to be boring.
And then you've been off down
this whole other secret hole of life.
-It's not fair!
-I haven't.
-That's not an accurate
-Yes, it is! It's not fair, Suz!
You can't just make me boring and
then go and fuck this other idiot guy
because you're fucking bored of me -
that's bullshit.
I compromised, OK?
II gave stuff up.
You didn't compromise anything,
you just fucking moved
-I understand that.
-No, you don't.
-Suzie, I thought I was depressed!
-You ARE depressed.
I'm not fucking depressed! I just
need a new dressing gown, OK?
I'm not depressed! I just need to
not be with a complete psychopath!
And if you don't get that,
if you don't understand that
I need some fun now,
I need some fucking attention here,
then II just
I genuinely don't think
..that thisthat this can work.
-Hey, big man!
Yes, sir. Music for dancing.
Just fucking dance.
Look, I know I fucked up massively,
OK? I'm aware of that.
I'm trying to be better,
I actively am.
If I do the Disney gig,
we can just start again.
We just go out there,
forget all of this
You think Disney are gonna wanna
work with you with a drug scandal?
-Are you delusional?
-They can't just assume what it is.
OK? You can buy legal highs online,
it looks exactly the same.
They don't know the context.
It's white powder on a phone screen
with a fucking TV exec
with his cock in your mouth.
That's quite a lot of context,
isn't it?
SUZIE: I'm a terrible mother.
I'm a terrible wife.
I'm only a slightly
above average actress.
I think the last time I spoke to you
was my wedding vows. Yeah.
I know you probably think,
"Oh, she only comes to me
when I want something," but
..please, I really need your help.
I'll be good from now on.
-I'll tell the truth.
I'll be a better mother,
a better wife, a better friend.
I know you can't
take it all away, but
Maybe you can, you know?
You'reso powerful and all that.
Is that alright? You know,
justjust give me a sign if
Oh, wow. I mean, that's, um
Have we got a deal?
I meanamen.
-Naomi Duribchi?
Nice to see you again.
OK, so, um, we're not
at a total loss.
You haven't totally stopped
ovulating, which is good.
-Very low levels of AMH and FSH.
Every time you've come in,
I've suggested egg freezing.
Mmm. Which you sell.
But I think we're past that point.
-Look, I'll do it, OK? I'll do it.
-No. No.
What I mean is at your stage,
and at your age,
with the quality of the eggs,
I don't think it's the best use
of your time or money.
Sorry? Wait. You don't want them?
We've been monitoring you,
and you have the levels
we would expect in a woman
5, 10 years older.
Yeah, but aren't
all your tests from, like,
French stats from
the 1890s or something?
I'm looking specifically at your
body, and you're perimenopausal.
It's not unusual in women
in their late 30s.
I'm in my mid-to-late 30s.
You could still get pregnant
naturally. We don't know.
-Where's Frank?
-He's over there.
-What did she say?
She just kept saying,
"Tiny window. Tiny window."
Tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, like
a fucking doll's house or something.
-But that's not bad, is it?
-Much lower than normal for my age.
I've got a super low ovarian reserve.
Like, hardly any follicles.
Well below average.
I guess in order for there
to be an average,
someone has to be
well below average, don't they?
So is that an illness?
No, Suz, that's
just how averages work!
Hey. Did you spit at a swan?
No, we
I told you, we don't spit at swans.
-So, what are you gonna do?
-I don't know. I don't know.
Patriarchal fucking medicine
hasn't done any research.
It's my own fault. It's my own fault.
The whole reason
I broke up with Mart
I said for years
I don't believe they know.
I don't believe they know.
How can they just say
Well, you know what Mum would say
about a situation like this?
-Yeah, "Fuck a squaddie."
-Exactly, fuck a squaddie.
Seriously. Who loses?
Alright, forget all the science.
You haven't got time for
what you thought you had time for.
Just fucking get on,
get into it, do it, alright?
You know what you want,
just get the fuck on with it.
Yeah, yeah. I know that.
I do that. I am that.
I like your, um, sh
What are shoes?
Oh, cool.
-How are you?
-Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.
OK, so listen, in other news,
the zombie people are suing you.
-(LAUGHS) Oh, yes.
-The producers, for leaving the show.
It's impossible for me
to get you out of contract
because you won't let me tell them
the reason that you're leaving.
-Can't they fucking guess?!
-It doesn't profit them to guess.
-Just let me tell them!
-No, he's just told his wife.
-I can't get him into trouble twice.
-You're crazy. Then you talk to them.
They wanna take you out
for dinner on Friday night.
Friday night? I can't go out
for dinner on Friday night.
I'm going out with Cob.
We're going to have some fun.
It's date night. It's dick night.
If you can't go,
then I have to tell them.
-I'm trying to save my marriage!
-And I'm trying to save your career!
-SUZIE: I said I'm sorry.
So we don't have to stay for long.
Then I've booked this really
nice place for afterwards.
It's got a great tasting menu
and cocktails and all that, you know?
Or we could just stay there
and have a free meal.
I can't fucking believe
they have the gall to sue you!
I think they just wanna see how
serious I am about leaving, you know?
I think we just keep it
nice and light.
I'mI'm light.
I'm lighter than air.
I'm lighter than all the noble gases.
I'm lighter than fucking
I'm lighter than hydrogen,
which is, unbeknownst to many,
even lighter than helium.
Which is why they filled
the 'Hindenburg' with it.
-And why all those people died.
PODCAST NARRATOR: Helen's jumper had
been pulled up to expose her body.
She had six wounds on her head,
most of which caused fractures.
She also had multiple stab wounds
to her chest.
Helen's body had actually been
well concealed by the river
and they had difficulty
in removing her from the scene.
G concluded that Helen had actually
been killed somewhere else,
and then her body had been left
at that location for some time.
Is that a pill?
OK. Wow!
-Go on. Fun. We're having fun.
-No. No, no, no, no.
-Um, ah, yeah, maybe after.
-Here you are.
I'm alright, thanks.
Oh, so you'll take drugs with him
but not with me.
Don't be like that.
I've got the meeting, haven't I?
Well, that was work,
when you were with him.
We'll just tell them to go fuck
themselves, then we're gonna go out,
and me and you are gonna have
a lovely fucking time, OK?
-Alright, alright!
-I'll just
-Christ on a bike.
-Naomi. Hi.
Oh. Wow. You're really in East London
waiting for me in this orb?
-God. Trapping me in this orb.
-Shall we small-talk, then?
-God, I hate small talk.
Of course you do.
Who likes small talk?
Who says, "I'm all about
the insignificant bullshit?"
Go on, then. What's your opener?
Have you ever been in a car accident?
Oh, God! No. No.
-Have you?
I don't drive.
-Oh. Cool.
So, have you read
anything good lately?
Since being online,
I just don't read anymore, you know?
But then I was saying this
to my friend the other day,
and she said - yes, 'she' -
"Well, wait a minute.
"What are you doing
when you're looking at your phone?"
-And I thought, "Oh, yeah!"
'Cause that's reading, right?
That's another way of looking at it.
OK, so Sorry, have you read
any books recently?
No. Oh, my God, wait!
I'll tell you the best book
I have read in years. Oh!
Have you ever read
A few years ago, amazing book.
I don't know if you've heard of it,
it's called 'Sapiens'.
Yeah, I've read 'Sapiens'.
It's very entertaining.
Oh, yeah, but it's so intelligent
and insightful!
It's, like, all of mankind
from when it started,
all the way to here right now.
Yeah, I've read it.
And what people don't realise
is just how incredible
everything that's happened is,
and how we're just these monkeys,
you know, back from the desert.
We're desert monkeys, basically.
And that influences everything we do
all the time.
Where are you from, originally?
It's a very commercial
piece of writing, I think.
-You should read it.
-MAN: Here she is.
Hello! We've got two
for the price of one!
-Cob's just here for moral support.
-MAN: Hi, Suzie.
-Ohh! Mwah!
-(LAUGHS) OK. I'm so glad.
-SUZIE: Hello.
Strange lighting, isn't it?
COB: Hwung, hwung. (CHUCKLES)
-Oh, you two look nice.
-Thank you.
-He can stay.
It is unbelievably kind
of you to join us, Suzie.
I can't even imagine
how busy you are.
I know the conversations we're having
behind the scenes are what they are.
-But that's not us.
-We just love you.
-Aww, they LOVE you!
You need to know how
unbelievably delighted we are
with your work so far on the series.
That's why we can't bear it.
I'm trying to play it
as you would, you know,
if you were being attacked
by zombies in wartime.
-But it's hard to know.
-Have a look at what you'll have.
Everybody's gonna have
the most expensive thing.
Oh, God. OK, listen.
Before you guys start trying to guilt
us through the medium of steak,
I justI don't want there
to be any strangeness, OK?
We've all seen the photos,
haven't we? Yeah.
-Do you mean
-Thestolen, hacked material?
Yes, ma'am.
I didn't know if it was
I haven't looked at that.
I hope someone reached out.
Did someone reach out?
You don't have to lie, OK?
People don't have to lie.
We are quite busy.
It must have been
a very difficult time for you.
Now, we haven't been appraised
of the full situation
Well, Taylor, you'd better
get fucking appraised
because someone in HR
has fucked right up.
Ah, here he is!
We thought if there was anyone
that could sell staying on to you,
Disney or not,
it's the man with the plan!
You know Carter,
showrunner extraordinaire!
Mwah. Mwah.
Good evening.
Well, look who it is.
Yeah, I don't think we've met.
-Did you know he was coming?
-No, I fucking didn't. I didn't know.
(LAUGHS) Oh, look at you, man.
You sat down. Wow.
I was coming here to say
this shouldn't be a legal matter
because it isn't.
We were just saying, weren't we,
that you have all these ideas
as to where Suzie's character
could go, you know
I'm sorry about
the personal situation.
(LAUGHS) Fucking hell.
CARTER: Shouldn't make a difference.
This is fundamentally
a professional matter.
I think we've put everybody
in a very difficult position,
and that's probably our fault.
Do you want me to go?
Or do you wanna go?
I'm not going fucking anywhere, mate.
I'm the only person at this table
who has literally
nothing to be ashamed of.
-Hey, OK. Mea all the culpas.
-COB: Wow.
Suzie, will you look at this cunt?
I'm sorry, LOOK at this cunt!
Well, Eli, your ex-wife
sounds like a bitch.
-Thank you very much.
-No, I haven't dated much, really.
But you are looking for a boyfriend
because, come on, you have needs.
Yeah, but I can
outsource all that shit.
I have this adorable massage guy
who I've had for the last six months,
and after the deep tissue,
well, we engage in a bit of
non-penetrative play.
But after the last time,
he asked me out on an actual date.
-Are you paying for this?
-Hardly! I mean, I guess.
-Do you like him?
-My massage guy? Oh, he's wonderful.
But he's early 20s
and totally unbroken,
and I don't wanna be the one
to do the breaking.
I don't wanna lose
a good massage guy, fundamentally.
I sometimes wonder if it's men
that want to be in relationships.
I just want a bit of spunk
and a range of needs being met
from various sources.
I think it's being WITH a man
that is ruinous.
We really got away from
the small talk, didn't we?
Yeah, we really, really did.
And I could snap it off like that.
Hey, man. Alright, brother.
No foul, no foul.
Don't fucking 'brother'
what-fucking-whatever me.
-Dude, this is a restaurant.
-That is factually fucking accurate.
Well done. No wonder they say
you're a genius.
WOMAN: I don't think
this is a negotiation
that you two can both
successfully be part of.
COB: No, no, no.
I wanna hear him pitch.
-CARTER: I'm not gonna dance for you.
-COB: You're such a knob!
You two, I get that he's worth
more to you than she is.
A black showrunner, I get that.
Oh, whoopsy, did I say a bad word?
Did I say a true thing
in this palace of cunts?!
(SUZIE, OVERLAPPING) I need to find
the loo. I don't feel well.
SUZIE: I need to go to the loo.
Oh, my God, oh, my God!
My God! My fucking God.
-Help me! Help. Fucking help me.
Please, help me. Give me a sign.
-WOMAN: Suzie!
Hey! It's Doreen Bookman.
I'm VP at Disney Talent Relations
and Casting Reach Out.
-Is this a bad time?
Oh, well, itit's
not the best, it
-It's fine.
So I wanted to touch base.
You didn't misunderstand. We think
you are an incredible artist.
And that's why we wanted
to reach out directly
and make sure you knew
how much we value YOU.
And I know there's some
tough things going on
with some private pictures of you
that have been stolen,
and we're gonna address that
with some of the tech companies.
And everyone is still on board,
and we absolutely consider you
a part of the Disney family.
-Oh, my God!
-Welcome to Disney, OK?
-(LAUGHS) Thank you!
Oh, my God, thank you.
Thank you so much.
And, look, I just wanna say that
there arethere are
lots of legal highs
that look very similar
to what's in that picture,
like, the white powder.
And I'm very happy to publicly say
that that'sthat it's that,
you know, that's it's not cocaine,
if that helps.
Thank you.
-Er, yeah, Suzie, thank you so much.
-We'll be in touch soon.
-OK, thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
WOMAN: Excuse me?
-Pass me some loo roll, please?
Oh, yeah. Sure.
Don't suppose you want
an ecstasy pill, do you?
I mean, no, no, that's stupid.
Why would you take a pill
off a stranger in a toilet?
WOMAN: No, that's OK.
-Yeah, sure.
-Go with God.
Honestly, what I wanna say, but could
never say to a guy like you, is -
it's just a reality -
do you wanna go and fuck?
-I'm in my fertile window.
And chances are, by far,
nothing will happen as a result.
You get what all straight men
are supposed to want -
no-strings-attached sex -
and I get what I want,
the highest statistical chance of
having a child as possible.
But you're not saying that?
I'm saying it, but, no,
obviously not. I'm not saying it.
But that's what I would say if
the world
-Anyway, anyway.
Siblings, films, travel, podcasts?
-(SLURPS) Mmm.
Here she is!
Suzie, I am here with the producers
formally asking you
to not abandon your job on the show
because of a personal
and important relationship
that is not relevant
to this creative endeavour.
We weren't properly aware of the
personal element of this situation.
Is there any way
we can make this work?
You could fire him.
-I have been dealt my blow
-COB: Job.
..in terms of mylife
and my home and my punishment.
And I see no reason why people
should be punished any further
This guy took pictures of my wife
and now they're all round the world,
and it has fucked me and it has
fucked her and it's fucked them.
And it's him, it's fucking him!
It's up to Suzie.
I am gonna leave the show.
And we have to make that work
or things will get very ugly.
-You're welcome.
Goodnight. And good luck.
-And good fucking riddance.
-Yeah, alright, mate.
-Yeah, alright, mate!
-CARTER: Yeah, alright.
Oh, we're mates then?
Let's have a hug.
Alright, mate, come here!
We've gotta leave.
No, come here. I love you.
(MUFFLED) Oooh. I love you, yes.
Come on, Cob!
Cob. Cob.
Cob, let's go.
Cob, Cob, Cob, Cob.
-Come on. Cob. Cob. Cob.
If you want her to do pick-ups,
if you want her to do a death scene,
or a single fucking word of ADR
on this weak, derivative shitshow,
then I'm there for it.
And this pervert can't come within
10 feet of her at any time.
Thank you and goodnight.
I worry about her.
Oh, I could bring a contract.
The woman could bring
a legal disclaimer
saying there'll be no consequences
for you whatsoever.
It is totally legally binding.
I will never contact you again.
-But apparently that would be mad.
-That would be fucking insane.
Yeah, but the more sane you make it,
the more insane it becomes.
Now, I wanna hear all about
your psychosis and your life crisis
and your relationship
with your mother.
-Oh, OK.
-Because I am way too exposed.
Well, OK, but I should get you
another drink.
-Even though that's terrifying.
-Something strong, please.
A margarita
to go with my shame.
Er, you can get your papers out.
NAOMI: What the fuck?
"If you want her to do"
"..a line of ADR"
ADR. You're such a fucking dick.
-Oh, my
-I'm such a fucking dick.
-Such a fucking dick.
-I'm a fucking dick.
-Oh, this is a nice one!
-Yeah, it's alright, isn't it?
I think the owners
have fucked off to Spain.
Look, it's like the Flake advert.
What Flake advert?
Oh, my God, do you not know
the Flake advert? How old are you?
(LAUGHS) Fuck off!
Just to be clear, you don't want me
to actually fuck off?
Er, listen, I need to know
that you're up for this,
'cause I pretty much get a UTI
every time I have sex
so it's really got to be worth it,
you know?
I want your cum.
I want you to cum, baby.
Be a good boy, be such a good boy.
I know you think it's bad
but I like it.
Cum for mummy, cum for mummy.
Do it! Do it!
Come on! Come on!
Are you on the pill?
(WHISPERS) Thank you, God,
for everything.
I love you. Amen.
"We were not aware of some of
the details in the images
"and we can no longer
offer our support.
"Disney obviously havehas
"special responsibilities
towards its young audiences,
"and has a zero tolerance policy
on any sort of substance abuse."
"We are formally
withdrawing our offer
"and are sorry to have to do so.
"Disney and our affiliates
look forward to working with Suzie
"at a later stage
when she has received"
(LAUGHS) "..the help she needs."
-(LAUGHS) Oh, mumma. Oh, dear.
-Well, fuck that mouse, huh?
-Fuck him.
Argh. Arwrwrwrww!
OK, here we go.
Grub's up.
-I'm down in the cellar.
Very dark. Ah
It wouldn't take me long
To tell you how to find it
To tell you where we'll meet ♪
This little girl inside me
is retreating to her
Favourite place
-Go into the garden ♪
Go under the ivy
Under the leaves
Away from the party
Go right to the rose
Go right to the white rose
I sit here in the thunder
The green on the grey
I feel it all around me
And it's not easy for me
To give away a secret
It's not safe ♪
OK. Shoot it like
the second time we blocked it.
-Go right to the white rose ♪
(SCREAMS) Help me!
-For me ♪
-Oh, my God, help me!
Go into the garden
Go under the ivy
Go under the leaves
-With me ♪
-Go right to the rose
Go right to the white rose
-I'll be waiting for you ♪
-It wouldn't take me long ♪
-MAN: Cut!
-To tell you how to find it
To tell you where we'll meet
Go into the garden
Go under the ivy
Go right to the rose
Go right to the white rose
It wouldn't take me long
To tell you how to find it. ♪
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