I Hate Suzie (2020) s01e04 Episode Script

Sorry I'm late, sorry I'm late.
Bitch, bitch teacher.
What time is it?
-NAOMI: 9:17.
-COB: 20 past.
Cob was just asking
why we're not saying
it's from a specific time in the past
before you guys got together.
Well, we could.
NAOMI: We could.
It's not my advice, but
Well, happily,
it's not your decision.
No, it's not, Cob, but the point is
what we don't want
is a bunch of people who are able to
date it through I don't know what
Carbon penis dating? Why wouldn't
they have done that already?
It's just that she doesn't look
10 years younger. No offence.
And if we date it specifically,
it might drag you into it.
Oh, thatthat's what drags me
into it? OK, fine, right. Cool, yeah.
I thought we'd agreed
we're not gonna get into
the who or the when
of these photos.
It's pretty fucking obvious, no?
Why don't we just say
ex-boyfriend from a long time ago?
No, you're not gonna name names
'cause you're above that.
OK, but would that
be better for Disney,
if it was from a long time ago?
Have you even
spoken to them yet?
No, they're being weirdly
quiet for Americans.
Hey, hey, you are not
losing that job!
The point is we should all be fine
with seeing someone
with a cock in their hand.
We're not children.
But there are children
in the world who watch movies.
Yeah, also, we have one of them.
Partly because of her having
your cock in her hand at some point.
There's no shame to be had
in a woman doing a sex act!
-There is in this case.
-Yeah, if it's not her husband's.
If it's a fucking
overrated trash peddler
who thinks he's Steve McQueen -
not that one.
Oh, I'm so worried
I'm gonna get this wrong.
You know, I can't not be authentic.
Even if I try,
I'll end up being authentic.
I can't not be authentic.
-You're an actress!
-Yeah, but come on.
Like, if she asks me
how I feel about the pictures
being out there,
the answer isn't 'fine', is it?
No, of course the answer's not 'fine'
because you're disappointed.
You shouldn't be ashamed
is what's important.
-You should just be honest.
-But I am ashamed.
Why? You've got
no reason to be ashamed.
-Mmm, she kind of has.
-I kind of do.
Yeah, but they don't know that!
We're not presenting it as that
is what I'm saying.
OK, so don't say it's that -
that it's Carter?
BOTH: No!
Don't be honest
about that, obviously!
Be honest about how you would feel
if everything
we were saying was true.
Oh, my God. Can we please
just say that it's old?
NAOMI: OK, fine, but be vague.
-OK, so just
-(PHONE BUZZES)
..general penis
from a long time ago?
-Oh, I feel sick.
-Yes. Yes, from a long time ago.
Don't be specific about when
and don't be specific about who.
Well, I can't be specific
about any of those things
because they're both
entirely made up.
-OK?
-OK, then we're ready.
-OK.
-(CLEARS THROAT)
-Hey, Bari.
-(ON PHONE) Oh, hiya.
I've got Athena from
'The Observer' on the line.
Great. Can you hear me OK?
BARI: Yeah, yeah, totally, it's fine.
(CLEARS THROAT)
So, uh, put her through.
ATHENA: Hello?
Hi, it's Suzie.
ATHENA: Oh, hi!
Hi! (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
Um, I'm a big fan
of your political column
every week, by the way.
I mean, I'm obsessed.
ATHENA: Oh, thank you.
Yeah, I mean, I can quote
long stretches of it.
ATHENA: Oh, wow, that's nice.
Well, the first thing
I do wanna say, though,
is I am really sorry
about what happened to you.
Thank you.
ATHENA: And I'm really grateful
you're speaking with me.
II could not be more furious.
Well (CHUCKLES)
..me too, hashtag.
-Uh, wait.
-(ATHENA CHUCKLES) Yeah.
So, I'm sorry, furious with me?
ATHENA: No! No.
Hang on. Let's do some basics, Suzie.
So, when did you see the pictures?
Um, well, I'm not one of those
You know, I like to stay away
from all of that, so
-ATHENA: Yeah.
-It wasn't
It wasn't until, um,
I got a text from Naomi, my manager,
and she said, you know,
we should have a chat
and then she described it to me
and obviously
I sat down with my family
and, you know, that's when I knew
what it was and that was that.
ATHENA: Yeah, sure, and how
I mean, how did you feel
when you saw that they'd leaked?
Well, I was shocked,
you know, obviously,
because, you know, these
ATHENA: Yeah.
..are pictures from
a very long time ago.
ATHENA: Oh, really? I think
Oh, I think everyone assumed
that they were recent images.
No. I mean, they deliberately
They can do that.
No, they're from a long time ago
and, you know, it's something
I feel is very private, you know?
But it shouldn't
have to be, should it?
ATHENA: Uh, can you
talk more about that?
Yeah, I mean, you know, I should
be able to look at the pictures
and go, "Oh, hey, there's me
with a cock in my hand,"
and my son should be able
to look at those pictures
and go, "Oh, hey, there's Mum
with a cock in her hand," you know?
(ATHENA LAUGHS) Yes.
I mean, uh, is thatis that
what you actually think?
No, it's not what I actually
Of course not.
But I should be able to think that,
when in reality of course
I'm just like everybody else -
I'm looking at those pictures
and going, you know,
"What an absolute slut."
(MOUTHS)
I'm being ironic, Athena!
-(HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLING)
-ATHENA: OK.
(FRANTIC MUSIC)
(GROANS)
SUZIE: "What an absolute slut."
(MOANS)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLING)
Can you send me all the contracts
related to the Disney job as soon as?
And also anyone else
we know who's worked with them
so I can compare the wording?
Thanks.
Cob? Cob!
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
I can't hear you sarcastically
clapping 'cause you're in a car.
(WHIRRING)
(CLAPS SLOWLY)
Thank you. Now, I need to get
to Disney before that interview does.
Can you give me
a lift to the station?
I can.
Will you?
I will.
(ENGINE STARTS)
(THEME MUSIC)
(GLASS SMASHES)
(CAR ENGINE FADES)
(ECHOES) "What an absolute slut."
(INHALES DEEPLY)
Mmm-mmm-mmm
(DREAMY MUSIC)
-(MOANING ECHOES)
-Ooh!
(GRUNTS)
(CHILDREN SHOUTING)
So is it just me or does she
dress like she's from the past?
(GIGGLES)
(ENGINE REVVING)
MAN: Oh, what a slut you are.
SUZIE: "What an absolute slut."
-(DOG BARKS OUTSIDE)
-(TRUCK BEEPING)
-(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
-WOMAN: Mrs Pickles?
Can I have a word?
I wonder if he's curious,
which is normal.
Um, sorry. Yeah, I mean, I just
I think it's more likely
that he doesn't know
if someone's in the toilet.
I mean, why aren't people
locking doors?
The impression I'm getting
is that it's a rather
deliberate attempt to see things.
And if there is new behaviour
that might be related
to something that's going on at home,
it's important we're open
and transparent about that.
Is there anything going on at home?
Is this about me not doing
the school fete opening?
No! It's about Frank
bursting in on people on the toilet.
And, also, did you get the letter
about appropriate dress for drop-off?
I did, yeah.
(DISCORDANT JAZZ MUSIC)
I did and I used it to wipe my arse
because I'm a terrible mother
and a massive slut.
Have a great day.
See you, sweetheart.
(ENGINE REVVING)
So is it just me or does she
dress like she's from the past?
(GIGGLES)
BRUCE: Come on.
Let me give you a ride home.
(REVVING)
I'm so lazy. I should walk.
Please don't.
(ENGINE STARTS AND REVS)
Mmm. Oh, my God,
I need to get sucked.
(REVVING)
Oh
(ZIPPER BUZZES)
Oh, yeah!
Oh, I'm so grateful.
Oh, suck my cock.
Mmm, suck my cock,
you dirty bitch.
(PANTING) Suck my cock,
you little whore.
-Really?
-What?!
You're fantasising
about giving him a blowjob,
some dad from the playground
this morning?
I'm trying to make
myself feel better.
You're not into cars.
-He's into cars!
-Do you know that in real life?
It (STAMMERS)
It's in my imagination.
So you've made up that
he's into sports cars
so you can fantasise
about him being turned on
in a car he thinks makes him sexy?
Where are you in this?
I like his desire.
His desire for me makes me wet.
(PANTING) Suck my cock, you whore.
But he was nice to you.
That was the whole attraction.
Why is he calling you names now?
MAN: Karen?
('TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS'
PLAYS DISTORTEDLY)
-(MAN SHOUTS ANGRILY) Karen!
-NAOMI: I know why.
MAN: Where is she, deaf bint?
NAOMI: You've always been
attracted to shitty men.
Go and get me something
from over there, would ya?
Good girl. You're a good
little girl, aren't you?
SUZIE: I don't like shitty men.
I just wank over them.
-NAOMI: Oh, beautiful.
-Sometimes.
-Beautiful!
-Well, I can't help it.
Uh, you can help it,
like they do with paedos.
-What?
-Paedophiles.
'Cause orgasms are really,
like, powerful
What's the word?
Conditioners of behaviour.
SUZIE: Mmm?
Well, they make paedos
wank over images of, like, adults
and the more they wank,
the more they orgasm,
the more they get into that
I'm sorry. Whowho does this?
Like, in studies
and away from, like, the kids.
Hang on a minute. So you're
So you're saying the more
I wank over someone
-Or just nicer guys?
-Yeah.
..I'll eventually start
to fancy them in real life?
Yes! Like, you build the muscle,
like an athlete.
Wank through your shitty childhood.
Cum your way to being
a better person.
(SWEET LULLABY MUSIC)
(MUSIC RISES DRAMATICALLY)
GIRL: Come on.
(GIGGLING)
-Two?
-Yep, two whole minutes!
-'Bye!
-KIDS: 'Bye!
(LAUGHTER FADES)
Oh, my gosh.
Sorry. Are you OK?
It sticks out.
SUZIE: I'm allowed to think
about that because I was
..the same age as him at the time.
Obviously, I'm not judging that.
At least he was nice to you.
SUZIE: Come on.
We're sophisticated enough
to distinguish between
our politics and our desires.
Yeah, but everything
you think is sexy
is based on what men have told you
is sexy for thousands of years.
What part of that do you think
is about your desire, your lust?
Where do you go to
when it's coming from you?
(NAOMI'S VOICE ECHOES)
(RADIO STATIC, JUMBLED STATIONS)
(STATIC BUZZES)
(SIGHS)
(MAN PANTS AND MOANS QUIETLY)
(SUZIE BREATHES RAGGEDLY)
(MOANS)
CARTER: Yeah, so reflexology
is like this theory
that every part of your foot
is connected to another
part of your body.
So if I press here
(BOTH PANT AND MOAN)
NAOMI: No! Not Carter.
You should be thinking about Cob.
You need to cum to your husband.
Well, hello.
Sorry.
NAOMI: OK, OK.
Then imagine something. Go wild.
He can just feature.
(RADIO STATIC)
POLICEMAN: These photos.
(BOTH MOAN)
Can you explain?
SUZIE: Yeah, they're me.
-They're all of me.
-(BOTH MOAN)
(MOANING CONTINUES)
-(GIGGLES)
-I can't control her, sir.
-She's wild.
-What's this little slut doing?
-You can't say 'slut', sir.
-Shut up!
POLICEMAN:
She's desperate for it, sir.
(SUZIE MOANS)
You want to get us into trouble,
don't you, you little whore?
What's going on here?
It's only fun.
SUZIE: Sorry, Cob.
(CHILDREN SPEAK SOFTLY)
Five, four, three, two, one.
(CHILDREN GIGGLE)
-GIRL: She's such a slut.
-GIRL 2: She's such a slut.
(GIGGLING FADES)
You're such a slut.
Two margaritas, please.
Can't believe you don't use toys.
They are depressing.
Like electric tin openers.
I always think the sound
of them's gonna, like
(LAUGHS)
..attract a bunch of stray cats.
-That's so weird.
-(CATS MEOW)
(CATS MEOW AND PURR)
-(MEOW ECHOES)
-(DOG BARKS)
(SIGHS) Fuck!
(DRUM BEATS)
(SILENCE)
(TRAIN RATTLES)
OK, it says "Anything deemed
to damage the Disney brand
"or bring it into disrepute."
Do we know deemed by who?
OK, alright. I'll take a look.
Alright, thanks.
(SNIFFS)
(WATER RUNS)
Hmm.
Hmm.
WOMAN ON PHONE: Good morning.
Disney. Marian Fletcher's office.
Yes, I'm Naomi Jones.
I rep Suzie Pickles and
a few other people you work with.
Listen, me and Marianne
really need to have a call today.
She probably mentioned this?
-WOMAN: Oh, sorry. I'm just a temp.
-Oh, OK.
Uh, listen, she's got 10 minutes
at some point today, doesn't she?
She can do 15 minutes,
quite soon, though.
-At 11:00?
-OK, great.
Actually, I happen to be in
the building before for a meeting,
so I'll come straight to her office
and pop my head in then.
-OK, if you're here anyway.
-Exactly. Great.
-Thanks. 'Bye.
-OK. Thanks. 'Bye.
(ROBOT BEEPS)
ROBOT: I am your helper.
SUZIE: Oh, fuck!
(MUTTERS)
(DEVICE VIBRATES)
Huh!
(PHONE RINGS AT OTHER END)
MAN ON PHONE: Good morning.
Disney UK.
Hi. Can you put me through
to Dale Borger's assistant, please?
MAN: Putting you through.
WOMAN ON PHONE:
Dale Borger's office.
-Hi. Is that Holly?
-Yes.
-Hi, Holly. Naomi Jones here.
-Mm-hm.
I just wanted to check,
do you have a meeting in with me
and Marianne today at 11:00?
-WOMAN: No. Not today.
-Oh, really?
Well, you should.
They've been begging me
for a meeting about Suzie,
and Marianne really wanted
to have it today.
-Did her assistant not message you?
-Uh, yeah, no.
-She's got a temp in at the moment.
-Ah, OK. That explains it.
Well, let me tell you,
if you have any spare moment
to block out with him,
I'd do it then,
because he'll be really annoyed
if this meeting happens without him.
Oh! Well, OK,
I'm putting it in the diary now.
-Thanks for letting me know.
-No worries. 'Bye.
(RHYTHMIC RUSTLING)
(DEVICE VIBRATES)
NAOMI: OK. Here we go. You're going
to cum thinking about your husband.
(ROCK MUSIC)
Ooh, ooh, I need to see you
Come on,
let me take a piece of you ♪
NAOMI: He's attractive, right?
Tosomeone.
VALERIE: Professor?
Professor, do you mind going
over something else for me?
Meanwhile
I'm on fire
Your body sways
and takes me higher
I got you ♪
I like that she likes him.
NAOMI: Well, get involved.
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)
(VALERIE MOANS)
(GASPS)
(MOANS)
NAOMI: This is actually quite hot.
SUZIE: Shut up!
-Go away!
-Include him, then.
He's the one you're trying
to get excited about.
SUZIE: Shall I make her cum for you?
COB: Yes, please.
(MOANING)
COB: Put your fingers inside her.
SUZIE: No. No, I won't do that
'cause that's not gonna work.
Ugh! Put your fingers inside her!
I don't mind.
SUZIE: This isn't my bag. I don't
even know what this is really like.
Jesus, now you're fantasising
about my desires!
NAOMI: Come on, from YOU.
CARTER: Every part of your foot
is connected to another part
of your body, so
SUZIE: Mm-hm. Yeah?
CARTER: Yeah.
So, where did you feel that?
In my pussy? Yeah.
Right! (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)
CARTER: No. No, that was meant
to be your shoulder.
Oh!
But, hey, maybe that's the science,
I don't know.
(SUZIE LAUGHS)
NAOMI: That was when you met.
It was good when you first met Cob.
If you can't imagine, then remember.
(WHISPERS) Beautiful girl.
(BIRD'S WINGS FLAP)
Did you see what I wrote?
-What?
-Did you not see it?
Where?
I must've rubbed it off
with the sweat.
Mmm.
Whereabouts?
Well, you're just gonna
have to find it.
-Oh, really?
-Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
(KISSING)
-(SUZIE LAUGHS)
-(BUZZING)
(BIRDS CHIRP)
What you looking so sad for?
Come on, misery!
-(LAUGHS) No! No.
-Ohh. Ohh.
Don't fight me! Oh, don't fight me!
That's the worst thing you can do
in this situation!
Oh, oh, no!
You're just gonna have to be happy.
-I'm sorry, I don't make the rules.
-Stop. Stop. Stop.
-Oh, you're soyou're so beautiful.
-(LAUGHS)
You're soyou're so great.
And I'm soI'm so in love with you.
-You're so beautiful
-Be the bear!
-(LAUGHS)
-(GRUNTS SOFTLY)
-You feel that? You feel that?
-Oh, yeah.
-Mmm?
-(SIGHS)
I just want you
to stay like that forever.
-(GROWLS)
-(LAUGHS)
-(ROARS)
-(BEAR ROAR ECHOES)
(PHONE BUZZES)
Oh, my God!
(DOORBELL RINGS)
-Oh, hey.
-Hi. Package for Cob.
-Yep.
-Hi. Um, signature, please.
-There you go.
-Thank you.
(RHYTHMIC RUSTLING)
(PHONE BUZZES)
(RHYTHMIC RUSTLING)
MAN OVER P.A.: Hello there,
we regret to inform you that
there's been an incident up ahead
so we'll be stop/start all the way
into Liverpool Street.
Sorry for the delay in your journey.
(MAN GRUNTS AND HUFFS)
(RAPID RUSTLING)
(PHONE BUZZES)
(RAPID DISTORTED CHUGGING)
(MOUTHS) Are you alright?
-Thanks, I'm fine.
-(CHUGGING STOPS)
(SIGHING AND MOANING)
It was so wild.
It was this American soldier,
training in Portsmouth.
He was so fucking hot.
-Oh, my God, was he in uniform?
-Yeah.
-I love a uniform.
-Me too. I wonder why?
Hot, dapper. Yes, sir. No, sir.
I think it makes it easier to work
out which one is the most important.
-(SIGHING AND MOANING)
-Go fuck yourself, Desantos.
Like, you started watching
soccer yesterday.
Put the bottle away,
you little bitch. What you doing?
-(SOLDIER SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
-MAN: Keep walking!
Hey, baby. I'll walk in
your fucking ass. Come on.
Hey! Language.
There are ladies present.
(PASSIONATE SIGHING AND MOANING)
I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm just trying
to get these reprobates home.
(RAPID DISTORTED MOANING)
SONG: Come on, let's do this
Memories won't save me now
When the music takes your soul
It's a shame and a crime
If you're afraid
to let yourself go ♪
-You're so fit!
-Gotta be.
-Shake it off ♪
-I love your teeth.
They're super cute.
Only you feel my soul
Come on, baby, let me see you ♪
I've always been troubled
by your attraction to black guys.
-I'm not. What? That's racist.
-It's objectifying.
Of course it's fucking objectifying!
I'm masturbating!
You should be training yourself
back to Cob.
Oh, God, get out of my wank!
You're probably gonna lose
the Disney gig.
-Come on, yeah! ♪
-(SOBS)
(RAPID DISTORTED MOANING)
Come on
Yeah!
Let's go, baby, shake yourself
Who cares who sees it now
-I got you coming, babe ♪
-(TRAIN WHOOSHES)
No. No, no. No.
-Not you.
-(DISTORTED CHUGGING SLOWS)
CARTER: Come on.
(CHUGGING STOPS)
(METAL SHRIEKS)
Hi, er, just, if you wanted
to report a crime,
or just something that had happened
on a train, where would I
Would I talk to you orlike,
if a wallet was stolen or something?
-Have you been a victim of a crime?
-No, I just mean theoretically.
It depends if anyone's around
or if they wanna call
the Metropolitan Police.
-You can wait in the staff room.
-Yeah. How long?
-I've got this meeting, so
-I honestly couldn't say.
I could just go to the website,
right? I'll go to the website.
Or text 61016 - the British Transport
Police. There you go.
Thanks. Cheers.
-(ENGINE STARTS)
-(GASPING AND MOANING)
SUZIE: Come in me! Get me pregnant!
Fuck your baby into me!
Oh, God! (GASPS)
-(DISTORTED SPEECH) Whore!
-You little whore!
(MOANING AND GASPING)
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
(JARRING MUSIC BUILDS)
-(MUSIC STOPS)
-No, no. No!
-No, no, no, no, no, no.
-What?
Dodo you want me to stop?
I love you.
I love you.
Am I not beautiful enough?
You're so beautiful.
Am I not clever enough?
You're so clever.
Am I not happy enough?
You're so happy.
(FLOWING MUSIC)
Ahh!
Oh! (GASPS) I love you.
(ECHOES) I love you.
Fuck!
You know what I call that,
when you cry after?
A French wank.
(NAIL FILE SCRAPES SOFTLY)
-(SNIFFS)
-(NAIL FILE STOPS)
(BIRDS CHIRP)
(RADIO PLAYS SOFTLY)
-Hey.
-SUZIE: Hey, what happened?
It was good. Good meeting.
No, I mean the guy on the train.
Oh, God, forget it.
Just, er, on the train on the way
back, there was a guy that was
I think he was, like,
touching himself or some shit?
Oh, my God, I've had that.
Yeah, it was like I didn't know
and then I did know.
Yeah, it was pretty special.
Look, in real news, I just saw
Disney and they're very excited.
I've managed to emotionally blackmail
them into supporting you.
-What?
-We're in good shape, OK?
They want to behave
in the best possible moral way,
and actually, in today's money,
they look pretty villainous
if they dump you.
So you still have the role
of ageing princess.
-OK. (LAUGHS)
-I'm a legend.
-I'm in a cab, so love you.
-Love you too.
-'Bye.
-'Bye.
(NEWS PLAYS SOFTLY)
RADIO NEWSREADER: ..accuse
the government of not having
a proper plan to repair the damage
caused by flooding along the Thames
over the last
It's just right there.
It's just right there.
NEWSREADER: ..millions of pounds of
damage as banks burst over last
(DISHWASHER CLATTERS)
..unusually heavy rain.
NEWSREADER: There has been another
serious sexual assault in West London
when a woman running
in Ravenscourt Park
was dragged into some bushes
around 7:00 last night.
Police are appealing
for any witnesses
Excuse me, excuse me. Sorry. Would
you mind putting some music on?
-..they believe may be connected
-(BLUES MUSIC PLAYS)
SONG: I only love you
and I never will
Come on, baby, let me get my fill
I've got you on my mind
Heartbreaker, gonna take my soul
I'll move your body
to the rock'n'roll
I've got you on my mind
Come on, baby
Come on, baby! ♪