I Hate Suzie (2020) s01e03 Episode Script


COB: Who is it, Suzie?
I wantI want you to tell me.
I want you to feel safe.
Whatever happens,
I will not be angry, OK?
SUZIE: It's Carter.
SONG: Yo, sit down
Shut up, shut up
Ay, boy
Hush up
Yuh block will get brush up
Shut the
Yo, sit down
Shut up, 'top 'he noise
Ay, boy
Hush up
Yuh block will get brush up
Bang bang
Shut the ♪
Are you very angry?
I'm not angry.
'Cause you should be.
Who else knows?
Well, he knows obviously
that's it's him.
COB: Hmm.
And Naomi knows.
Well, I think she may have found out
just because I told her.
COB: Hmm, OK.
If we're gonna make this work
..you have to tell methe truth.
'Cause I know we have a beautiful
child and a beautiful home
I don't care about any of that.
Well, I mean, obviously
I care about the child.
That being said
Obviously you can't work with him
Obviously. In the future.
You can't keep doing the show, Suz.
No, but I just mean financially.
We both know
it's the shitty genre thing
where your breasts get covered
in blood every few episodes.
-It's not exactly
-SUZIE: I know.
I justI just mean,
like, in sort of
..house, er, bills, life
being possible scheme of things.
-Well, I have a job.
Not that you've ever
been to campus or seen it.
But I promise I do have a job.
Yeah, I know and that's great.
It's just it doesn't
You know, it's not my fault the world
values the wrong things, is it?
And we're about to start
a second series.
-It's what they'll say.
Consequences are hard.
-What is that?
-What fucking is that?
-It's the landline. It's the phone.
-It's me. It's me. How you doing?
(SIGHS) Oh, God. Hi.
Ah, fine. Yeah.
NAOMI: OK, quick update -
I've called all the papers
and pointed out the photos are
stolen, so if they print, we sue.
But I just had to yell at one guy
for printing a photo of your house
to illustrate the story.
'Cause they're sulking they can't run
with you sucking a dick.
So is it recognisable?
The house, I mean. Not the dick.
Yeah, yeah. No, the street name's
on it and everything.
-Oh, fuck.
-Yeah, but I'm all over it.
I'm gonna get you in the room with
some reputation management people.
Oh, God. So I pay for that, do I?
Yeah, or we go the other way.
We go front foot. Take control.
Refuse to be shamed.
You publish a nude,
we publish a nude.
You send one to the sex hospital,
we send one to the sex morgue.
I-I publish more nudes?
I haven't got any more nudes.
I take more nudes?
-Er, no. I meant
-SUZIE: Hey. Sorry.
One minute. One minute. Hey. (GASPS)
Wow! Did you draw this at school?
-NAOMI: Suz, hello?
Just to go back,
so my address is out there?
Yeah. Er, and also I looked up
Sarah Jones just to check her out.
Her Instagram shows her as blonde now
and always wearing a yellow jacket.
-Sorry, a yellow jacket?
-Yeah, so don't freak out.
Looks like she's obsessed with
Gemma Collins now.
-Which is great.
-That's nice.
Stalking the stalker.
OK. Look, I-I
I'll call you
Yeah, I'll call you back.
Come here. Come here.
Come here. Come here.
Did you draw this?
'Cause I know you said you drew this
and I love you, whatever,
OK, but no lying.
You must tell the truth.
Did you draw this or
did you find it?
Where? Where?
Frank. Where?
Reset. We're gonna go again.
OK, OK. Suzie, look.
It's feeling casual.
Can you scream while you're running?
Really vocalise the terror.
The idea being that
you're screaming for help, so
(SIGHS) Yeah, um
No, it's just like, it's
Sorry, screaming and running.
But I'mI'mI'm trying
to lose him.
-No, it's just The You know
-Sorry, Suzie.
I mean, the screaming, that's just
gonna bring him to me, right?
It sort of negates the running.
No, I think it doubles it.
Yeah, I mean, I don't think
I've ever actually screamed
in my life ever if I've been afraid.
What, so you're saying screaming
isn't associated with fear?
No, I'm not. I'm just saying
that it's not
It's not something I would do.
-What would you do?
What, if I was
If you were being chased
by a Nazi zombie, yeah?
I'd hide.
DIRECTOR: Almost like there's
something not as dramatic
about staying still
as there is about running and
It's trying to find her? Kill her?
Tension's dramatic.
We're set up for the run.
Yeah, I mean, just
You do your You do it.
You're saying, then,
that's what you'd do?
Yeah, Isaying that.
Yeah, I would just, like,
find somewhere and wait
and hopehope they didn't fi
hope they didn't find me.
Hmm. Let's set up for that, then.
-That's massive.
-It's a better scene.
-Sorry, Daniel.
-DIRECTOR: OK, guys. Changing set-up.
Sorry. There's a woman
looking for you visiting set.
-What does she look like?
-Uh, I don't know, really.
Does she have blonde hair?
A yellow jacket?
-I'm not sure.
-Does she look a bit like
I don't even know
what you say nowadays,
but look sort of day-release,
stalker vibes?
-CARTER: Suz. Yep.
-We need more zombies, mate.
I'm so sorry. I am so fucking sorry.
Are youare you very angry?
Are you kidding?
I'm incan-fucking-descent.
Not with you.
Do they know
what bastard's done this?
I will find them
and physically arse-rape them.
OK. Thanks.
But youyou don't have to do that.
I know.
Um, Naomi's on the tech
and the law stuff.
So I'm justI'm sorry.
Look, I don't careI don't care
who sees my cock, Suz.
This is unbelievable
what's happened to you
and I want you to know
you have everyone's support here.
If anyone says a single thing to you
or makes you feel uncomfortable
in any way, I'll fire them.
Thank you. Thank you.
But no, don't. Er, don't do that.
I mean, doesn't your wife
have any suspicions?
I don't think
she's even heard anything.
She doesn't read celebrity news
and all that stuff.
Well, I had to tell Cob.
I did, you know. I had to tell him.
And I mean, it was
it was pretty
Must have had a nightmare.
Yeah. It was bad.
And I told him it had happened,
like, three times
and that it was completely over
between us.
And is that true?
Three just sounded like
a believable number.
I mean the last part.
It's me. It's me. I have lanyards.
-Hi. Hi. Hi.
-Hi, babe.
Hi. Great. Great.
You remember You know Carter.
More intimately now.
You won't remember.
-We met at the
-Of course I remember.
Naomi Jones. Born Naomi Duribchi.
Your, umyour hair is longer.
OK. What do you want, a memory medal?
Look, can I just say if there's
anything I can do at all,
if making some sort of statement
It doesn't help.
It doesn't look great, whatever way.
Fucking the boss. The boss
fucking her. Old school, new school.
-It's not a great school to go to.
-I'm not her boss.
You're married with four kids.
Actually, one of his kids
Shit. Sorry.
Thing is, I love her, Naomi.
I really fucking love her.
I took a photo of us making love
because I-I love her fucking smile
and, yes, I love it near my penis.
And so we took pictures
with her phone
because I wanted her to see
how beautiful she looked doing those
things, which is my biggest regret.
-Because this would never
And now I feel like absolute shit.
But I am a shit that loves her
top to bottom.
So you tell me what you need.
A place to talk to the police,
who get here in minus 10.
Um, OK, but we're about
to set up the shot.
No, it's OK. It's fine.
You can use my trailer.
-II know what you're thinking.
-And no, we haven't had sex in here.
-It smells like someone has.
It's the fucking septic tank.
(SIGHS) OK, just so you know,
I'm probably gonna have to
leave the show.
-What show?
-This show.
You know, it's notit's not
workable. I mean, you can imagine.
No. No, no, no.
Do you want to leave the show?
No, I don't wanna leave.
Of course I don't wanna leave.
It's my only job,
apart from the Disney job.
-Yeah, OK, so I wrote to Disney
-Oh, God.
..explaining that it was fake images,
but turns out they're an expert on
what's real and what's not onscreen.
Oh, shit.
-MAN: Sorry, Suzie.
There's apolice officer here
for you.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
-Oh, it's exciting, isn't it?
-This is, uh, Suzie.
-I'm PC Simon Niven.
-Hi. Me.
-It's nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
-In person.
I mean, as opposed to on telly,
not in those photos.
No, I mean, I get that. I get that.
I'm gonna return your phone.
Great. Great.
Er, there's no malware on it.
No indication that anyone's
broken into the device itself.
We trust you, obviously,
there's been an invasion of privacy.
-You trust us?
-Yeah, I mean, why would we be lying?
Oh, no. No, no, no.
The cloud you back everything up on
has clearly been compromised.
Eh, do you use the same password
for that as for anything else?
Yeah, I mean, it's my password.
NIVEN: Er, yeah, yeah,
that's just not ideal.
Yeah, no, I know,
I know they tell you
to have, like, multiple passwords,
but it's just not realistic.
You know, I'm not
I'm not a computer brain.
I'm not I can't remember
all these things all the time.
-Like names and passwords.
-Yeah, OK, but
-And now punctuation or symbols.
-..it's illegal, isn't it?
-It's stolen property.
-Yeah, well, interesting.
We actually have quite a small
digital team in the Metropolitan
OK. So you're not going to do
fucking anything?
We will investigate but we
we do have to focus resources
on terrorism and paedophilia.
Of course. Of course.
Unfortunately, we can't afford
to prioritise crimes
where the victims contribute
to their own victimisation.
OK. So the skirt on her phone's
a bit short.
NIVEN: Well, maybe I can help.
How about a nice image to put online?
A photo from the set of 'AfterDeath's
bound to get more hits.
-Yeah. Sure. Go over here.
NIVEN: There you go.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Nice shot for us. Cheers. Cheers.
Yeah, how do you do the
I'm a bit Hang on.
I can't (MUMBLES)
-Let me do it 'cause Here we go.
-This is because of me mates.
-No, it's alright.
(CHUCKLES) I'll be a zombie. (GROWLS)
-That's cracking, that.
-There you go, mate.
That's great. Thanks so much.
Thank you very much.
-Great to meet you, you know.
-Oh, sorry.
-That's alright. Yeah.
-Ta-ra. Nice one.
-How do you get out of here?
Sorry. Sorry.
Just the handle.
-Bye-bye, PC Niven.
Ta-ra. Yeah.
-NIVEN: Cheers. Oh
-Oh, my God!
-Bloody hell.
Ooh, God. Sorry. You just It's
Sorry, you just made me jump.
I didn't hear you come in.
OK, well, I just came in
on my legs as per.
Erm, I need
Dishwasher needs salt.
-Sorry, what?
-The dishwasher.
I need to add some salt. So
Are you joking?
What, likesalt?
You put salt in the dishwasher.
-Who does?
-Everyone. Keeps it working.
Alright, is this like
you put salt in the dishwasher,
you put pepper in the kettle,
you put ketchup down the shitter?
Are you losing You're Are you
losing your mind? Dishwasher salt.
-Dishwasher salt.
This isthis isn't funny, yeah.
I'm not from dishwasher country.
OK, well, I am
from dishwasher country
and we do things differently there.
What is that?
-What did you do?
-What was that?
-Did you hear that?
What? What is it?
Am I being mad? Am I being mad?
I didn'tI didn't want to tell you
because it'sit's just
another thing that I fucked up,
but our address is out there
in the paper andand so
Our house. Where we live
with our human son.
-Yes. And so I
-This address.
Yeah, and so, you know,
Naomi's really worried
about fucking crazy
fucking stalker lady.
You know, Sarah what's
Anyway. Look. I dunno.
Maybe I'm
Maybe I'm just being para.
-Oh, no. Itit's fine.
-It's not fine, Suzie.
-It's fine.
I need to go and check there isn't
a psychopath in our house.
(SOFTLY) Jesus.
-Hey. How are you?
-NAOMI: Yeah, how are you?
Oh, yeah. I'm good.
What's going on with you?
-What's going on with you?
-Alright. Look.
At one point, one of us
is actually gonna have to answer.
OK, so I floated the idea to the
producers about you exiting the show.
Yeah. Did they go fucking mad?
-Well, don't say that.
I can't explain to them why, can I?
And they've been ridiculously
supportive about the hack.
Don't they suspect it's their
fucking showrunner in the photo?
Let me tell them.
Let's 'me too' him to fuck.
No, don't do that.
It's deeply No. Just
What am I supposed to do, right?
They're threatening to sue you.
Alright, don't worry. I'll call
Carter. Carter will sort it out.
He's the problem. Fuck's sake.
Such a fucking coward.
What? What?
-I've written you this great arc.
-SUZIE: Yeah.
-I've talked you through it.
-Yeah, I know, I know.
But it's not unreasonable.
It's the only thing he demands.
So you're gonna walk off the show?
Just write me out.
Just kill me. Just kill me, OK.
No-one will mind. Just
Just You're so good
at zombie fighting, hunting.
-..always said you would.
Look, this isthis is nonsense
because ofbecause of
physical love.
A visual representation
of some physical love.
-I mean, did they find who did this?
-No They It's my fault.
They gave me my phone back.
This isn'tthis isn't something
you should lose your livelihood over.
You can't be punished twice.
But it's not about the hack.
It's about the us.
If the issue is us working together,
then I should be the one to go.
OK, well, that's That is mad.
Obviously that's mad. You can't
-Well, it's your show.
-Look, it's not MY show.
It's everyone who works on it.
We're a family.
Well, if we're a family, then this
is incest, so what are we gonna do?
-So what are we gonna do?
-Look You
Look. I
(SIGHS) I love you.
And you can't go making
life decisions
based on not upsetting people
and doing what they tell you to.
Well, sorry that I do that.
OK, I'm sorry that I do that. But
then justtell me what I should do.
-(GROWLS) Oh, you're an idiot.
But you're brilliant. Of course
I'm not going to let you go.
I'm just so frightened all the time.
I'm just so frightened
all the time.
You know, I really
I'm just frightened all the time.
Yeah, I know.
-You've got egg on your top.
-Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it's
It's kid carnage at the moment.
Genevieve's away.
You can't leave the show.
It's not fair.
-You have to go and tell him that.
-I'll come with you.
-I'll talk to him.
-Don't do that.
Obviously don't do that, OK.
It's completely inapp
It's my life.
Promise me you won't do that.
-Well, promise me you'll fight.
Oh, don't 'cause,
I mean, we should
She's, uhshe's here
to see Mr Betterton.
Apparently, um, he's her husband.
Yeah, I haven't visited before,
which is bad of me.
WOMAN: Come with me.
He's in Lecture Hall C.
-Doesn't she need to sign in?
For security?
Suzie Pickles isn't here
to bomb us, is she?
If she is, then that would be
strange. Happy to go that way.
It was written in the late 1400s
by two German inquisitors
and, um, I thought maybe we could
try it out on someone here.
Who wants to volunteer? Anyone?
All you have to do is sit in a chair.
Valerie, why don't you come down?
-VALERIE: Alright.
-COB: There you go.
Have a pew, my friend.
Here she is. AhValerie.
-Did you steal all the penises?
-VALERIE: Yeah, I did.
-You did, didn't you?
-VALERIE: I have all the penises.
She has all the penises. I knew it.
OK. Here's what we're gonna do.
We are going to make
Valerie confess, OK?
-To be a 'vitch'.
OK. So, Valerie, what do you think
you might be accused of?
Um, I don't know. Killing a baby.
Killing a baby? Right. OK.
-That escalated quickly.
Um, no. Um, sorry.
Being in league with Satan.
Well, that's good, actually.
That's good.
But that's much more European.
Truthfully it would be
something much more prosaic.
So it would be like
a bad year for crops, OK?
What do you think a jury
would want to hear?
-VALERIE: Evidence.
-COB: Evidence, yeah.
And luckily there is agreed physical
evidence that proves being a witch.
You're gonna like this. A bleeding
mark where your familiar suckles.
-Yeah. OK.
So to prove your innocence to us,
show us you don't have
one of those anywhere.
Go on.
COB: Really?
Seems like you have
something to hide.
What do you want me to do?
I think you know.
She's a witch. That was easy,
wasn't it? Anyone else? Who's next?
Sorry. You're hung, pressed
or drowned. Hanged.
-COB: Hiya.
SUZIE: Sorry.
So I came to university earlier.
-Did you?
-SUZIE: Yeah.
Thought you were right about me
not visiting.
They didn't seem to know
we were married.
What do you mean? I wear a ring.
No, that it's me.
Oh, that it's you. Oh.
Why didn't I see you there?
Ah, you were doing a lecture
and then, um, I had to go and get
some dry-cleaning.
Did you, um (CLEARS THROAT) ..talk
to any of the producers or anybody?
Oh, my goodness. Cob, this whole,
like, 'everything's fine' politeness.
I'd rather you were
just fucking angry with me.
I'd rather you were just shouting.
Oh, you would, would you?
You'd rather that. Oh, OK.
-Well, if Suzie wants something.
-No, it's not what Suzie wants.
It's not what I want.
It's just if that's how you feel
If I get angry,
you'll just get all victim-y
and tell me I remind you of your dad.
You like it when I'm victim-y.
You like it.
You like it. It's the only time
you feel comfortable.
Yeah, you like it. You like it.
You like it when I'm small
oror without a job.
You know what's amazing to me,
You know, you know what? No. No.
I will not
I won't play the victim.
Baby, it is your greatest role
to date.
So I saw your lecture today.
I saw you bring someone up onstage,
..some young girl and ask her if she
has all the penises in this economy?
My God, you cannot believe
anything isn't about you.
Hang on a minute, asking her to get
undressed in front of everyone.
That is the whole point,
it's about demonstrating
that you can't prove a negative
without dehumanising people.
Do you know what?
Forget it. Fucking forget it.
If you'd ever read a fucking book
in your life.
I've written a book, mate.
Please. It's hardly a book, is it?
And it was ghost-written.
Fuck's sake.
-I feel sorry for you, Cob.
I feel No, I feel embarrassed
for you.
-You feel embarrassed?
-Yeah, I feel embarrassed for you.
Embarrassed of moi? You're the one
who should be embarrassed, mate.
Why should I be embarrassed?
No, go on. Say it.
Why should I be embarrassed? Say it.
You're incredible. You genuinely
think that you're the victim here.
I It's my work, Cob.
Yes. It's my fucking work.
I I pay forI pay for everything
in this house. I pay for everything.
Even your PhD.
You know, I shouldn't be
punished twice.
Fine. Do it, then. Don't quit
the show. Fucking carry on.
Where are you going?
(COB SHOUTS) Somebody has to go
and get Frankie.
-Oh, God.
You know, it occurs to me, um,
that, uh, if you're in a room
with a guy,
just you and a m
Like, if I'm in a room alone
with a man, most of the time,
I don't know who would win
in a fight between us.
But with you with a man
..he could always
He could kill you.
Like, I could kill you right now.
And that must make for
a different experience.
Like, it makes sense if
If a man is in a room with you,
you know.
A man who you are in thrall to
..and he wants to take pictures
of you, that
..must be quite frightening.
You know? I get it.
You know, nono more than normal.
But, um, I totally take on
your point.
Yeah, I don't mean to come over
all Germaine Greer.
MAN ON TV: I know where you are.
I know you think
that you're protecting him.
MAN ON TV: But you made a mistake.
You tried to scare my family.
-You couldn't know
MAN ON TV: ..what you were
dealing with,
the hell you would unleash.
Because the chose the wrong guy
to mess with.
-CARTER: Hey. Hey. Hey. Sorry. Sorry.
I didn't mean to freak you out.
(SOFTLY) What are you doing here?!
-Oh, my God. Hi.
I needed to come tell you
so you could see my eyes.
I can't see your eyes.
It's so fucking dark.
-I told her.
Look, I told Genevieve that it's me.
That it's us in the pictures.
You wouldn't need to the leave
the show if we were together.
-We love each other, bae.
You let me come on your tits
six hours ago. That means something.
-Well, I didn't do very much. Stop.
-Look. Look.
-I'll talk to him, OK?
We'll sort it out like grown-ups.
Like in a Woody Allen film.
Please, your voice.
Your voice is so loud.
It really carries.
The air No, listen to me.
The air out here, it's so still.
-We can bewe can be together.
No? So why did you come by today?
Why did WE just do that?
Carter, you're being crazy.
You have to You're crazy. Stop it!
-Let's do it. Let'slet's jump!
-No. Stop!
Stop, please. No. Please. I can't.
I can't do that right now.
I just told my wife.
What the fuck am I meant to do now?
Shhh! I don't know.
CARTER: I can't believe
you're doing this to me.
-Doing what? I'm not doing anything.
-Can you tell me if we're doing this?
'Cause I'm just gonna have
to crawl back to Genevieve
on my hands and knees right now.
-Sorry. I can't right now.
-You can. You can.
-You can.
No! Stop it!
OK. OK. Right.
Well Alright, I understand now,
don't I? Cool.
Then we can't work together,
obviously, now I've told her.
And so now my life's fucked.
-I'm sorry. I'm just
-There goes my marriage.
And now I'm gonna have to write you
out of every fucking episode. Fine!
-Shh! Shhh!
-No, fine!
Sorry. Fucking car. Where's my car?
-COB: You alright?
Yeah. Sorry, I just
What? What is it? Is it her?
-No, it's not
-Is someone out there?
No. No. No!
Stop! No, because you've had a drink.
There's no-one there. It's just me.
I'm just being para.
I'm just I'm losing my mind.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm going mad.
-I'm going mad.
-You are not going mad.
I am going mad. It's just
It's like It's just so much
It's just so much with the stalker.
Yeah, well, they tend to do that,
don't they?
And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, because you were right.
Of course you're right.
Of course I have to leave the show.
You know, I told them
and I don't know what I was thinking.
You know, I just thought they would
be angry with me, but you're right.
It's just a stupid fucking show.
I'm sorry. I love
OK, I love you. I'm s
-COB: It's OK. It's OK. It's OK.
-I'm sorry.
-COB: Come here. Come here.
-I'm sorry.
You're fine. Come on.
Come on. Let's get you to bed. OK?
I'll sleep down here tonight.
COB: It's OK.
-I'm just
I'm just gonna do the alarm.
OK. Good thinking.
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