I Hate Suzie (2020) s01e02 Episode Script


I like your hair.
This is much nicer
than the other room.
This is the better room.
I don't think he's, um,
going to come.
I think he just wants me
to have to tell you.
Well, I know I said we should wait.
But, perhaps, if this is
-Hello, Cob.
-COB: Hey.
So sorry I'm late, Rose.
Um, child care issues.
(CLEARS THROAT) Well, I would say
it's nice to see you both again.
But I suppose I wouldn't be,
unless something's happened?
Suzie is not living at the house
anymore, Rose.
OK, so, um, someone
somehow hashad access to my phone
or hacked my phone
and downloadeddownloaded photos.
And there was a photo of me on there
with someone else. Sexually.
Very clearly someone else.
-COB: Mm-hm.
Gosh. That must be quite a shock.
I'll fucking say.
Andand Cob assumes that that means
that I'm being unfaithful.
Yeah. Mmm.
Why would I (LAUGHS)
Why would I possibly
Oh! Of course.
I get it, because I'm insane.
Right, because seeing something
with your own eyes
has absolutely no meaning, right?
That's This is gaslighting.
Uh, what'swhat's happening
with Franky?
-Frank. Um
Sohe's, uhhe's fine.
You know, I mean, I am
..I am coming into the house
at, like, 6am to wake him up
and, umand then leaving
and then coming back
at the end of the day.
-I think he's fine.
I think he's fine.
Um, I don't think he realises,
you know,
except this weekend when we're going
to the convention, but
COB: Whose cock is it?
Whose cock is it?
It's what we're here for.
Let's just
We're here now. We're there.
Whose cock is it?
Suzie, whose cock is it?
-Do you I mean
-Whose cock is it? Whose cock is it?
Whose cock is it? Whose cock is it?
Whose cock is it? Yeah.
-Do you want me to answer that?
-Whose cock is it?
-I don't
-Whose cock is it?
Whose fucking cock is it?!
-WOMAN: I've got it.
You don't have to keep giving me
your bed.
-I know I don't have to.
-It's so cold.
-How long have you been sat there?
-I've got a plan.
We go to the convention, as booked,
but our attitude is,
"Fuck you, fake news, you lose."
No, that justthat sounds horrific.
But not going makes it look like
it's you and you care.
It is me. And I do care.
Let's not dignify it with a response.
No comment from us
and it all goes away.
-SUZIE: Hmm.
-NAOMI: Mmm.
-I really need my phone.
-Yeah, the police still have it.
But you've got this one.
It has all your same contacts
and names in it.
It just can't go online,
which is good.
Why? What are they saying?
Yeah, you don't need to see that.
Why, is it bad?
But the whole convention is just
gonna be sat there, you know.
They're just gonna be sat there
and they're just gonna be
looking at my tits
and thinking about me sucking cock.
Yeah, but they always are, babe.
You get dressed.
-NAOMI: Are you alright?
Don't forget,
no photos or signing anything
until you're on
the official table.
We make no reference
to the hack at all.
-MAN: Hi, Suzie.
-NAOMI: Thanks very much.
-Also, I've cancelled the Q&A.
NAOMI: So don't answer any questions.
Look at all these people
that love you.
Thanks very much.
-I love you.
OK, that's great. Thank you.
-MAN: Captain Bria!
We don't mention the real world
at all.
Nobody cares here.
-Nobody cares about the photos.
-All they care about is Captain Bria.
-There's not gonna be a Q&A.
-Some water?
-Oh, thank you.
So just go out there
and be a smiley, charming bad-ass
like a bad-ass on bad-ass patrol.
Or don't if you don't want to.
Just do what you want.
Also, can you talk about 'AfterDeath'
rather than the sci-fi you did
12 years ago?
-But nobody watches 'AfterDeath'.
-Yeah, they do.
Then why do I never meet them?
Because viewing figures
don't matter anymore.
Oh, right. It only matters
who clicks on it?
Yeah. And, well, that doesn't matter
either but
-So what does matter?
-Excuse me, they're ready for you.
-Shh. OK. Let's go.
-OK. Great. Yeah.
Thank you.
OK, let's welcome to the stage
the real Captain Bria, Suzie Pickles!
-Anything hanging out my nose?
-No, you're good.
-Are you sure?
-You're good.
Thank you!
Shall I go this way or this way? Hi!
Here's your mic.
Thank you.
-Welcome along.
-Shall I just hold this like this?
-Yeah, however you like.
-Like, I think that's normal?
Yeah. (LAUGHS) That's fine.
Um, alright.
So, you all know our Suzie
from her varied career, of course.
From 'Quo Vadis'
..and more recent stuff as well,
uh, the soap stuff
-Yeah. But we don't mention that.
And, of course, 'AfterDeath',
which is on streaming now.
Yeah, that's right.
And who doesn't love Nazi zombies?
OK, so usually we do a Q&A format.
Uh, I think, today we're just gonna
have a conversation between us
-Oh, no, the masses are revolting!
They've queued for hours
to talk to you, Captain Bria.
MAN: Come on, do it. You promised!
Do it! Do it! Do it!
Uh, no, no, no. I love Q&A.
No, I love Q&A
-I wanna, you know
-I wanna talk directly to them.
-You know, II love you guys.
-Alright, great!
Uh, let's go to
some questions, then.
The mic's out there somewhere.
Uh, yeah, guy with the beard.
Uh, no. Uh, no.
Yeah, you. There you go. Yeah.
-Hi, Suzie.
-Hello! How are you?
-I love your top.
-Oh, thank you, Suzie.
In 'Quo Vadis', your character dies
at the end of the series.
But if she did that,
Captain Bria couldn't go back
to where we found her
in the first episode on the ship.
Uh, it would make sense
if it was in a different dimension.
Yeah, it would. And I've never
closed down that reading.
But, you know, if I'm, um
if I'm just really honest,
I was just thinking about getting
into that bloody catsuit every week.
-I mean jumpsuit.
-Jumpsuit. Yeah.
Um, well, it is funny you should
mention the jumpsuit, Suzie,
because we did a little research
mission of our own.
And we found the jumpsuit
from 'Quo Vadis'.
-Um, yeah, the real one.
-So let's bring it out.
-You're joking.
Here we go. There it is.
-Look at it.
-Is it actually the real one?
It's the real one
from the archives, yeah.
Oh. Do you need a moment?
-I just remember the smell!
Alright, well,
lots of other questions
whilst you reacquaint yourself
with the jumpsuit.
So, uh, yes, the lady on the side.
-Hi, Suzie.
Hi. I'm so sorry to hear about
those pictures.
It's such an invasion of privacy.
I can't even imagine.
But it's great to see you here today.
Thank you so much.
So how have you been coping?
Yeah, um
-RAPTOR: Yeah.
-III don't
-Can we move it along?
I don't really think
this is the venue. In fact, I
-Can I just take this
..moment tobefore we get started?
-Yes, of course you can.
-OK. Um
Look, I just wanted to say that
there are
..there were some photos
posted online last week,
umsupposedly of me,
stolen from me in some mass hack,
and I just wanna say that
even though I have no issue
with whatever it is that person's
supposed to be doing in the photo
(LAUGHS) Um, it's not me. No.
I mean, I wish I was that thin.
-WOMAN: It's not a fake.
-No, it's a fake.
You know 'Black Mirror'?
It's very 'Black Mirror-y'.
Whatever. We're all doomed.
Anyway, I justI just wanted
to put that to bed, you know.
And, um, I don't know, if there's
anything to take away from today,
um, don't wank to lies, kids.
-RAPTOR: Yes. Uh, good advice.
Yes, thank you for that.
Alright, uh
-Sorry, that was a bit blue.
-No, that's fine.
It's completely understandable
you would say it wasn't you,
but there are other details
in the pictures.
Uh, like the necklace
you were wearing, uh, for example.
I mean, which you've worn it
on other occasions.
-Yeah, I don't think
-Can we move it along, please?
-I'm just giving you an opportunity.
-..to be talking about this.
This feels very
Because it is a penis of colour
in the pictures
-You know what? I Oh, my God.
Yeah, OK. That's enough.
Is that the reason why
you're trying to distance yourself
Sorry, I was just
I was just wondering
if I could still fit into this.
-Yes! Are we insured for that?
Well, I guess I'm doing it.
Alright, off she goes
to change into the jumpsuit.
-Very shortly she'll be back.
-I'll see you in a second.
-See you in a second.
-Maybe a minute. Who knows?
-What the fuck?
-That's what you came for.
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
They should just chuck her out.
Stand up.
-I said don't do questions.
-Theythey just sat there.
They just sat there waiting.
I can't wear this.
It'll make me panic.
-Get it off.
-We'll take it off.
Can you take this, please?
NAOMI: You're looking good, babe.
RAPTOR: Here she is!
Sorry, it's a bitit's a bit tight.
I actually can't breathe in this.
I feel really self-conscious
that I've got camel toe.
SONG: Ah, dance
Make your body move
Dance ♪
-MAN: Excuse me.
I'm so sorry.
Why? What have you done?
Are you here selling your soul too?
What on earth is that phone?
You're not a dealer, are you?
My other phone's in police custody.
Liquid sustenance, please!
You made a sex tape? What happened?
So, OK, soso one of the girls'
mums finds the tape
hidden in the bottom of the wardrobe,
she digs it out,
she, of course, goes
fucking ballistic and spare,
and then the girls denied it
and said that I forced them to do it
and that they never wanted to do
a threesome
even though they were laughing
the whole way through.
And so the mother
then wrote to my agent.
I can't I don't even remember
hearing about that.
Yeah, this is way pre-internet.
I bought the family a conservatory.
A conservatory. Fuck.
But don't you
don't you worry about that now?
It coming out?
Yeah. Are you kidding? Absolutely.
Thank you.
And that's why I live my life
as a saint.
I'm a good boy.
Which is pretty brutal for me
actually because I'm freshly divorced
and I'm in this fantasy franchise,
so it's like
Yeah. I'm sorry.
You're very sweet.
-I'm really sorry.
I'm with Suzie Pickles. Naomi Jones.
Do you mind if I, uh
Hello. Hi.
-Naomi Jones. This is Suzie Pickles.
-Let her in. She's with me.
Yeah, see?
Suz, we need to talk about
what happened at the Q&A.
-We should stay.
We have to stay. It's so nice here.
Because it's filled with
people who've built shrines to you.
-It's like a big womb.
-No, I think we need to debrief, no?
Is that, um, Benjamin Detroit?
He plays that wizard guy
-Does Milo operate up here?
-Who reps him?
-Milo had a seizure in Barcelona.
-OK, there's always other Milos.
There's always alternative Milos.
Please, please, let's get fucked.
-Please. Look at my life!
-Doesn't he have a coke problem?
-Yes, in that we don't have any coke.
-MAN: How's this fella doing?
SUZIE: I didn't realise
you already had coke.
I should ring Naomi
and tell her not to get any more.
Yeah, because thethe thing
aboutthe great thing about coke
isis it's like
you never wanna do any more.
Right, thisthisthis is
very special local stuff.
Apparently you have to do it
in a certain way.
An old Mexican guy told me.
-A Mexican man?
-A Mexican man.
-A Mexican man in Birmingham?
Mexican-Indian man in Birmingham.
-You are going to bend over
..and, um, I'm going to lick
your ass while you do it.
That's how it has to be.
That's the way to do it.
-That's it, is it?
-Yeah. I don't make the rules.
Well, it seems like you might.
So youso then you
That's gotta be
-OK, right.
-Well, you have to take them.
Let me. I'll do it, though,
because I've got the tights.
-No hands.
-The tights.
I can handle tights if you need help.
-Just wait! (LAUGHS)
-I'm not touching you.
I won't touch you.
I'm not going to do any
-All I'm going to do is
-OK, I'm ready. I'm ready.
-You need to raise it up a bit.
I need to see a bit more action.
Good. Ready?
You tell me when you're ready.
Tell me when you're ready.
Tell me when you're ready.
-Tell me when you're ready.
-I'm ready. I'm ready.
-I'm putting my
-Hang on! OK, ready.
-I have protective eyewear.
-I'm ready. I'm ready.
-Three, two, one. Go.
-Go! Go!
I barely touched you.
SONG ON CAR STEREO: It's unnatural
You belong to me
I belong to you ♪
-WOMAN: Hiya.
I'm here to meet you? I'm Naomi.
I thought I was picking up
from Tarek.
-OK, you're driving away.
Yeah, yeah. What has to happen
is we have to drive round.
I can't park or nothing, what with
cameras. Better to drive round.
-OK, where are we actually
-Fuck off! Hang on.
Um, if there's anything
you want me to
Can Ican I do anything?
Maybe I could
-Yeah, count the money.
-I know how much I have.
Yeah, but count it in front of me.
Inin front of your face?
While you're driving?
If you count it next to me,
I'll know how much there is.
Right. 20, 40, 60, 100.
I've only got 20s. 120.
Uh, I don't suppose you do change?
I don't know where
he's fucking put it. Ohh!
-Where's he put the fucking gear?
Can you just hold the wheel
for a minute, babe?
-Oh, my God, hold the
Ohh! Can you see in the back
if there's, like, alike, a wallet?
Aa wallet. Uh, no.
He's not fucking put it
where he said he would!
I'm gonna have to call
that lying fucker now!
Making me look like a twat again!
Oh, wait.
Oh, it's in me bra.
-It's in me bra! (LAUGHS)
-It's in your bra. Ah.
-I put it there before I came out.
-Oh, I'm a fucking idiot, man!
-Here it is, babe.
-Swap ya.
-Thank you.
-Nice. Nice.
-NAOMI: Fuck me.
So where do you want dropping?
And it's just like, ahh!
And there's me just holding it.
-SONG: To the left ♪
-To the right ♪
-OK, um
-Alright, fuck.
-OK, fuck!
Don't tell Naomi
we've already done cocaine.
BENJAMIN: Chop, chop.
-'Room 405'. There you go.
-Oh, yes!
-Hey. Benjamin Detroit.
-I'm Naomi with the drugs.
-Naomi with the drugs.
I can't believe you already had coke.
No, hey, no worries,
it's just like, you know,
it's the good stuff,
the best stuff, the greatest stuff.
And you start with the red wine, like
Jesus did, then you move onto the
Uh, can I have your phone
to go online?
-OK, youyou have a phone.
-No, I need it.
I want to show Ben the pictures.
I just want to show him the pictures.
-No, babe.
-(MOCKINGLY) "Oh, no, babe."
"No, babe. No, babe!"
You know, I'm 30-fucking-5
and married with a kid.
Uh, you're 36. And not for long.
Oh, my God,
she let reality into the room.
We'vewe've gottawe've gotta
protect the room from this woman.
Yeah, the room is really important.
The room's like international waters,
that everything's in the room.
-Do you wanna maybe, you know
-No, we can't go. We're staying.
Right, well, I'm fucking freezing
because I've been outside
for, like, an hour.
Yeah, good idea. Get into bed
You know, he used to be in, like,
all of these romantic comedies.
-She hates all this shit.
-Does she?
-NAOMI: No, I don't.
-Rom-coms, chick flicks
I hate that they're called that.
-Anyway, he gets letters from teens.
-They're a legitimate art form.
-Thank you very much.
-Uh, no.
They are male propaganda
trying to convince women
that romantic love
is their responsibility and desire,
when actually it's just straight men
trying to convince us
that we need them.
-So, wait
-There she is.
-I mean, can you believe it?
-Wait. Wait, wait, wait!
So, what, rom-coms are propaganda?
Or love is?
Both. Ask yourself,
as Marx did, who benefits?
I mean, sheshe hasn't even
had coke yet, so
Love is just a way of getting women
to put aside their own needs.
OK, well,
that's my career fucked, then,
because romantic comedies don't even
employ white guys anymore anyway.
Oh, my God. OK.
Is this guy a bit of a dick?
-No. No, he's fine. I like him.
Thank you. You know, hey, hey,
so Suz says that you're into girls.
-OK. Jesus, Suz.
-What? Oh, what?
So, we're not allowed facts anymore?
I just hate you, like, pimping my bi.
So, Naomi lives in this great way now
since shesince she broke up
with her ex.
-Can I call her your ex?
-Call her what you fucking like.
So, she goes from, like,
Airbnb to Airbnb all over London
like she's on this permanent
fucking holiday.
A permanent fucking holiday where
I work for you all the time, babe.
-I love London. Fucking love it.
-I fucking love London!
-It is proper. It is the real deal.
-I love it.
Thank you. Uh, so, what, you just
go everywhere, fuck everyone?
No, being bi doesn't mean
you sleep with everyone.
It just means you can be choosy.
-I would fuck you.
-Oh, no, you wouldn't, Suz.
That's not being bi,
that is being a straight woman
who's too eager to please.
-Wow! Not the vibe.
Really not the vibe.
It's OK 'cause what Naomi neglects
to mention
is that this whole
crowdsourcing-a-home approach
is because she still pays
the mortgage, right?
Won't ask her ex to move out even
though she owns most of the house.
Of the two of us, who is staying
on whose fucking floor? Huh?
Hey, guys, it's the womb room.
It's the womb room.
-It's like a womb. Look at the sofa.
-She's right.
-It's red, it's warm
-She's fucking right.
I mean, what is gonna
-BENJAMIN: Come on, man.
-Seriously, what is gonna happen?
Suz, now is not the time.
Hey, there's nothing you can do
about this now.
-No, at home. With Cob.
-I know.
-We'll sort it.
-Yes. With Cob.
I can't leave, can I?
I can't leave because I've
No, Ben. Because I've got a
I've got a kid. I've got a kid.
-I've got a fucking medicine cabinet.
-Sit down.
OK, listen. OK.
This isthis is the thing.
You cannot do anything about
any of this now.
This is very important. OK, old hand.
So whatever you do, you do not move
out of the family home.
Fucked me with my second wife.
And for custody.
Yeah, II agree.
I know I'm a hypocrite.
But you're the mother.
You bought the house.
-Cob has to leave.
-I did buy the house.
-You know what is really important?
You wait. See, what is really
important is this Birmingham coke.
And thethe very specific way
that you must do it.
There is.
Which you, Naomi with the drugs
are unaware of.
-Oh, look, she's gonna chill there.
Um, you Well, first of all,
you need to take your pants off.
-SONG: I'll be in my room ♪
-I love you.
-NAOMI: Oh, it's burning.
SUZIE: Is this what you want?!
Is it?!
Well, have it! Have it all!
Huh! I met my
I met my exercise goal!
Well, that's a big achievement
considering you haven't been
Listen, I've been thinking.
Let's look at the pictures
and everything else.
-No. Now is not the right time.
-Let it wash over me as part of life.
-No, no.
-No, it is. (GIGGLES)
-We're in prison.
-This is a fun time!
-No, this is the best time.
I'm with people
that I feel safe with.
You know, like when you do LSD
-Benjamin, you totally understand
-Yes. Yes. I understand all of ya.
-And you.
-NAOMI: Yeah.
You've been friends with me
since we were in the womb.
We're now
we're now in the womb room.
So, basically, I won this,
like, talent competition.
Yeah, when I was, like, 15.
Yeah. Andwhatever.
Like, my parents were just, you know,
were into their own
-They're into their own thing.
And Naomi was doing her A-Levels
because she's fucking smart.
I'm not just a pretty face.
It used to be my dad managing me
and then Naomi was like,
"You can't be on some
fucking stranger's books."
So, like, first it was my dad
and then
You're not listening.
In spite of my dad
Are you
Are you touching her?
-Yeah, could be.
No other ♪
-This is
Guy ♪
-NAOMI: Oh, my God.
Though I'll
Be gone
For a while
I know that
I'll be
Smiling ♪
Suzie! Suzie!
Oh, I love you, Suzie.
-My baby, by and by, and by
-With my baby, by and by ♪
-Whose cock is it, Suzie?
I'll be gloomy ♪
-Suzie! I love you, Suzie!
-But send that rainbow to me ♪
FAN: Suzie!
COB: Whose cock is it, Suzie?
Though you'll be gone
for a while ♪
FAN: I love you, Suzie!
-MAN: Suzie!
-MAN 2: Suzie!
COB: Whose cock is it, Suzie?
What, are you pissed off with me?
You took the only room key,
you didn't answer your phone again.
-Sorry. You gave him a blowjob.
-It's incredibly frustrating.
-For about six minutes.
-I didn't realise you could talk.
I'm sorry if you liked him.
If anything, that's a testament
to your terrible taste in men.
If I could go back and anti-fuck him,
I would.
-You fucked him?
-What was I supposed to do?
Talk sci-fi?
I couldn't give him another blowjob
'cause I couldn't breathe
through my nose
because you'd made me buy cocaine.
Oh, God. Sorry.
His crotch smelled like
he'd had sex with a bin.
Well, I took a bunch of
sleeping pills last night.
-I don't
-What do you mean, "a bunch"?
-I dunno, I
-Well, how many?
-To get rid Like, four.
-Maybe five.
-Four, OK. Wow.
That seems like a weird amount.
Well, I would've taken more,
wouldn't I, but I fell asleep.
Because they're sleeping pills.
Fucking hell.
What is wrong with you?
-Oh, that's nice.
-So you would have died
Really nice! I wouldn't have died.
..while I was miserably banging
Benjamin Detroit
so you wouldn't have to.
What have we said
about sleeping pills, hmm?
They're great.
Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley
-Oh, Elvis Presley.
-Heath Ledger!
Didn't he die on the toilet?
He didn't die from
being on the toilet, did he?
He didn't die 'from toilet'.
You know, I can't take you anymore.
I can't take this.
I feel like I'm having
a nervous fucking breakdown.
I'm sorry. Sorry.
How could you not tell me
you were fucking someone else?
-I wasn't!
-I just found out like everyone else!
-I'm your best fucking friend!
-Because you'd be cross like this.
-I know who it is, Suz.
No, you don't know who it is.
Do you? Is it obvious?
God, it's obvious. Yeah.
You know what you have to do, right?
There's no way back from this.
You have to tell Cob it's over.
Get him out.
You have to move back into
the family home that you paid for
-..with Frank.
-Yeah, I know.
OK, good.
These are yours.
So, um, I have something to say.
No, no, no.
I just think that, um
II have been thinking
about things
and I think you're right,
I think you deserve an explanation.
I did sleep with someone else.
And I have a photos of that
from a long time ago.
And it is over.
It was over.
But whatwhat I really want to say
is that I think me being out
and away from the house,
I don't think that's right.
I don't think that's right for Frank.
I don't think
it's right forfor me
and Iultimately,
I don't think it's right for you.
I think I need to be here.
I think that is what's right.
And so what I'm saying is that
I want to be at home
and I am not prepared
to accept a no on that.
And that is how I want to
move forward. 100%.
Uh, well.
I think that's what I needed
to hear.
It's going to be difficult,
you're right, you know,
but we owe it to Frank.
To each other.
SUZIE: Mm-hm.
Well, I mean, obviously,
you're going to have to, uh
..you're going to have to tell me
and I will decide what it means.
But, um, in the meantime, yes,
I accept your offer
to come back to the house.
And what aboutwhat about you?
Well, I will, um
I will work towards
considering forgiving you.
-Because I
Yeah, I'll admit that it can't have
been easy for you either.
And, uh, well, you're gonna need
my help to get through it, frankly.
Aren't you?
I'm here.
Hey. Yeah.
I don't know, I justI've been
trying to find the right time.
I'm so sorry about all this.
No-one knows it's you.
SONG: Hey, my love
What you doing?
You come to watch
The flowers blooming
Satellite in the sky
My, oh, my
I never met someone like you
You turn my world ♪
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