I Love Lucy (1951) s04e23 Episode Script

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) (knock at door) Come in.
Oh, hi, Ross.
Hi, Lucy.
Ricky isn't here right now, but he'll be back in a few minutes.
That's all right.
I came over to talk to you.
Oh? Lucy, I just set Ricky for a big spread in Photoplay magazine.
Article, pictures, the works.
Wow, wonderful.
What did you want to talk to me about? Well, about the article.
You're a very important part of it.
I am? Sure.
You see, now that Don Juan is called off, we can play up the fact that Ricky is married, and the article is going to be entitled "What it's like to be married to Ricky Ricardo," by you.
By me? That's right.
"What it's like to be married to Ricky Ricardo.
" You think you can handle it? Handle it? I'm an expert in the field.
Good.
Hi.
LUCY: There he is.
Hi, Ross.
Hi, honey.
Hi, Ricky.
You've been waiting for me? No.
I came over to see Lucy.
Oh.
We were just discussing an article about you for Photoplay magazine.
You and Lucy were discussing it? Yeah, it's called "What it's like to be married to Ricky Ricardo" by me.
Oh, oh, I see.
You gonna write it and then you gonna put Lucy's name No, no, Ricky.
We want this to be an honest, sincere account of exactly the way Lucy feels about you.
What's the matter with you? You crazy or something? What are you afraid of, Ricky? Haven't got enough "'sperience.
" I've been married to you longer than anybody.
I don't mean that.
I mean you you haven't got enough 'sperience in writing.
She doesn't need any, Ricky.
They gave me a list of questions.
All they want Lucy to do is fill in the answers.
See? Well, uh, I guess it's all right.
Well, fine.
Here are the questions, Lucy, and send the answers to that address, huh? Okay.
I'll do it right away.
Well, I'd better be going.
I'm setting up a big television show for you, Ricky.
Good! I'll see you later.
All right.
Oh, and Lucy, Yeah.
Don't be afraid of it.
Put it down in your own words.
Be natural.
LUCY: I will.
Okay.
Good-bye, Ross.
Bye.
All right, thank you.
Well, what kind of questions are they? Well, let's see now.
Question number one: "are you happily married?" Question number two: "Does Ricky snore?" Question number three: "What kind of husbands do Latins really make?" (chuckling): Oh, this is gonna be fun.
Yeah, yeah.
Ha, ha, ha.
Uh listen, uh, you, y-you sure you don't want me to help you with the answers? No, no, no.
Now, I have to do this all by myself.
Now, you go away and leave me alone.
Go over there and sit down on the chair and read your paper.
Yeah, well.
Just leave me be.
(sighing) Let's see now, first question.
"Are you happily married?" Had you worried for a minute there, didn't I? Yeah.
Question number two: "Does Ricky snore?" What's that, all that other stuff you're writing there now? I'm just answering the question about snoring.
Yeah, but weren't the first two letters, "n-o"? They were "o-h.
" "O-h"? And the second word was "b-r-o-t-h-e-r.
" B-r-o-t-h What's all that other stuff you're writing there now? Just a few descriptive passages.
(snorting) (sputtering) (sputtering) (gasping and wheezing) (whistling) (whistling) (chattering) (jabbering) Now, just a minute.
Just a minute.
I want to see, I want to see what you're writing.
No, no, no! Now just go away.
You can't see this.
Go back and sit down in your chair and leave me alone.
Oh, all right.
I'll go in the other room.
All right.
Let's see now, "What kind of husbands do Latins really make?" (door slamming) How'd you know I was here? I heard you breathing.
Now, go on back.
Go on, get out of here! Now, I got a right to know what you're writing there.
You have no right to see this until it comes out in the magazine.
Now I mean it.
Now go away and leave me alone! RICKY: I got a right to know what you're hiding.
LUCY: You have no right to see it and I'm supposed to do the Come back here, you two! I'm supposed to do You go on and get out of here.
ETHEL: Hey, what's going on? I'm supposed to write an article about Ricky all by myself and he won't let me alone.
An article? Yeah, it's for Photoplay magazine.
It's called "What it's like to be married to Ricky Ricardo" and I have a lot of questions I have to answer.
Oh, boy, what an opportunity.
I wish I'd get a chance to write an article like that.
Aah, who'd buy it-- True Horror Stories? Oh, you funny, funny woman.
All right, everybody, I cannot create with a crowd around.
Now, look, Lucy, you listen to me Look, Ricky, I'll make a deal with you.
If you'll go away and let me answer these questions, I promise I'll let you see them before I send them in.
You promise? I promise.
Come on, Ricky.
We'll take you down to Will Wright's and buy you an ice cream soda.
Now, Ethel, we're not going there again today.
Yes, we are now, Fred.
They've got 24 flavors, and I've only tasted 20.
Come on, Rick.
I'll need you to help me push her through the door.
Take your time, everybody.
I want to do a good job on my first big assignment.
Yeah, well, but just watch what, you know Never mind now.
(phone ringing) Hello.
Oh, no, Ross.
He just left.
You did? Oh, that's wonderful.
Wait a minute now.
I'll write it down.
"TV, Coast To Coast.
Ricky's gonna emcee the Heart Fund.
" Oh, gee, Ross, that's wonderful.
Say, I don't suppose they might need a pretty girl to lead the guest stars up to the microphone, huh? Yeah, well, I happen to know a redhead who Oh, they have.
Oh, well, okay.
Uh, say, Ross (laughing giddily) I, uh, I just happened to have a thought.
Ross, instead of my writing that article for the magazine, how about you getting someone to interview me and ask those questions about Ricky on that program? And that way, people all over America could How's that? Oh, well, all right.
I'll mail it into the magazine.
Okay.
Yeah, I'll, I'll give it to him the minute he comes in.
Ross? Ross, I don't know if I ever told you, but, you know, I play "Glowworm" on the saxophone, and I have sort of an act built around it where I Ross? Ross? Oh, Ross? Operator, you cut us off.
Oh, he did? Okay, thanks.
Hi, honey.
Hi.
How's the article coming? Fine.
I'm all finished.
Good.
Hey, Ross called.
There's a message on the desk there.
Yeah? Hey, this is great.
Television show Coast To Coast for the Heart Fund, huh? Yeah, Ross seemed pretty excited about it.
Uh, Ricky? Yeah.
About the television show, I have a question for you.
Well, I'm pretty sure what it is and I have an answer for you.
Well, I'm pretty sure what your answer is but let me ask it anyway.
All right.
Can I be on the show? No.
Ten seconds.
That's the fastest we've ever done it.
That's all you're gonna say? You're not gonna get mad or anything? Why should I get mad? I get a sinkin' filling in my stomach when you get that look in your face.
Oh, don't be silly.
Why should you get a "sinkin' filling"? After all, if you don't want me on the show, that's your business.
Well, I must say, you're very understanding.
Hmm, sure, just forget I asked.
Good.
Now, would you like to see my answers to these questions? Yeah, I sure would.
Which set would you like to see? Which set? Yes, I made an alternate set.
These are about my dear, darling husband who's such a considerate angel, and these are about the dirty rat who won't let me be on the show.
You wouldn't dare.
Oh, wouldn't I? But that's blackmail! Oh, come now, let's not call it that.
That's what it is.
I know, but let's not call it that.
Now, would you like to hear me read these? Never mind, never mind.
I know when I'm licked.
Then I can be on the show? Yes.
Cuban Scout's honor? Cuban Scout's honor.
Thank you, dear.
Now then, what will we do on the Heart Fund benefit? I have a few ideas.
Listen Now, if you don't mind, uh, I'll decide what we'll do on the show, all right? Well After all, blackmailers can't be shoosers.
I just want to make sure you "shoose" something that shows me off.
You just don't worry about that, all right? You just mail this thing and leave the rest up to me.
I'll take care of you.
That's what I'm afraid of.
No, no, really, I got something for you to do.
Something good.
Scout's honor.
Well, okay.
(piano playing) Skiddereatheroo Hey! Skiddereatheroo Hey! Shake hands with all your neighbors And kiss the Colleens all You're as welcome as the flowers in May In dear old Donegal.
Well, that's fine.
Great.
Yes, sir, that'll be great in the show.
Hi, everybody.
Hi, honey.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
What kept you? Oh, honey, I had to wait for Mother to get back from the hairdresser's so she could take care of the baby.
Oh, that's right.
But I'm here now.
Come on, let's rehearse.
Okay, let's see now.
Let me get your Here's your music.
Oh, boy! I get to sing, huh? La da "Humoresque"? I'm not the "humoresque" type.
Why don't you let me sing a song that's more of my style, like Let me go, let me go Let me go, lover Let me go, let me go Let me go, lover Wait.
Hey, hey, hold on, lover.
Look, after hearing that, I'm tempted to really let you go, lover.
Oh, stop.
Now, this is a very cute bit.
It's kind of a musical trick.
See, we sing two songs at dif the same time.
Two songs at the same time? That's right, but they work out together all right.
Oh? Fred, you know the bit, don't you? Sure.
You to show it to her? Yeah, I don't mind.
Let Fred do it for you, then you can see what I mean.
You sing "Humoresque," and I'll sing "Swanee River.
" All right.
(piano plays) One two Way down upon Song of many joys, The Swanee River My magic song of sweet rejoice Keep ringing Until night is gone Far, far away.
My humoresque.
There's where my heart Let the music play, Is yearning ever And let the smiling stars display their beauty There's where the old folks stay.
In a gold arabesque.
Hey, that's wonderful! I think I can do that.
You think so? Yeah.
Okay.
Here you are, honey.
Now, you sing "Humoresque" and I'll sing "Swanee River.
" (clearing throat): Yeah.
You ready? Okay.
Give us a key there, Marco.
(piano plays) Give you two.
One, two Way down upon Songs of many joys The Swanee River My magic song of sweet rejoicing keep ringing Far, far away.
My humoresque.
There's There's where my heart is yearning ever No, no.
What's the matter? You started singing "Swanee River.
" You got to stick to "Humoresque.
" You switched.
Oh, I thought something sounded funny.
Well, I know "Swanee River" so much better.
Why don't you let me sing that.
Oh, sure, honey, here.
Okay.
You ready, Marco? Give us a (piano plays) One, two (off-key): Way, way, way, way, way Way Way down upon the Swanee River Wait, hold on, wait a minute What's the matter? Honey, you got to wait for me.
We got to do it together.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
(piano plays) On two.
One, two Way down upon Song of many joys The Swanee River My magic song of sweet rejoicing keep ringing Far, far, far, far away Until night is gone, my humoresque.
There is where my heart Is turning, turning, turning, turning, turning There is where the old folks stay.
You just can't do it.
You can't do it at all.
What do you mean I can't do it? You said I could be in the show.
Well, honey, I'm sorry, but I tried.
You can't do this and I got the whole show routine.
There's nothing for you to do.
Well, gi-give me something else to do.
I'm sorry, honey.
The whole show is already a routine.
There is nothing that you can do.
Oh, isn't there? It's a good thing I didn't mail this.
I guess I'll have to mail them my revised copy after all.
I thought you tore that up.
What did you do, paste it together? No.
I just saved a carbon copy in case of an emergency.
And this, my Latin lover, is an emergency.
Uh, yeah, well, wute wait a minute.
On second thought, I think there is something in there that you can do.
Oh.
What is it? It's a Spanish dance number.
Spanish dance number.
I can do that.
Come on, let's rehearse it.
Well, uh, if you don't mind, I would like to go to the mailbox and drop the right answers in the box first.
Okay.
Honestly, did you ever see anybody stick to an idea like Lucy? She's a regular human mustard plaster.
Where did Ricky go? Oh, he went down to the corner, but he'll be back in a minute.
Oh, I just wanted to check with him on this costume.
It's for the Spanish dance-- the matador number.
I'll catch him later.
Just a minute.
Does somebody's head go in there? Yeah.
Uh, this isn't by any chance a Spanish dance between a lady matador and a Cuban bull, is it? No, Ricky's the matador.
I don't know who he's got for the bull.
Oh, brother! What'll Lucy do when she finds out she's the bull? She'll probably gore him.
I think I'd better warn her.
Now, Ethel, do me a favor and keep your big bazoo shut.
Okay.
Yeah.
(laughing) What's the matter? Oh, boy, this is a switch.
For once, the bull will be full of Lucy.
(laughing out loud) Shh! Well, we mailed it.
Let's get on with the rehearsal.
Uh, all right, now, here's how the way that the Spanish, uh, dance number goes, you see.
Uh-huh.
I come out and I sing a few bars and then you make your entrance.
Uh-huh.
Okay, now, you come from here, and you come like this.
Like that? Yeah, that's right.
Like that.
Go on.
Try it.
Try it.
No, no, no.
No, honey.
Don't, don't snap your fingers, dear.
Well, I'm pretending I have castanets in them.
Well, the part you play doesn't use any castanets.
No castanets? Do it again without the castanets.
Go ahead.
Go on.
(clearing throat) Are you sure this is right? That's right.
I've seen very few Spanish dancers in this position.
Well, honey, the song explains the whole thing.
I'm not by any chance a senorita with lumbago, am I? No, no.
Let me explain it to you, honey.
Look.
You see, at this part of the number, I go back here and I take out a big red cape.
And as you come on, I go, "Toro! Toro!" Toro?! Yeah.
Isn't that Spanish for bull? Yeah.
Ricky Ricardo, you tricked me! Now, just a minute.
The bull is very important in this number.
It's a very dramatic role.
Oh, sure.
It is, honey.
Now I'm out here, I'm doing this number, and when the bull comes in, you see, you're just ferocious.
You're just fierce and you're just stamping the ground and you're pawing at it and you're wild with rage.
Your only thought is to kill me.
You can say that again.
Well, look, honey, I have given you your chance.
If you don't Oh.
want it Some chance.
Hey, Ricky.
Yeah.
The prop department wants to know if this is all right, or do you want them to make some changes? Yeah, this is fine.
It's silly of me to ask, but what is that? It's your costume.
My costume? Yeah.
Oh, she going to wear this? Well, I thought she was, but I guess that Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm going to wear it.
Well, good girl.
Good girl.
Shall I tell the prop department it's all right? Well, now, let me see.
Yeah, I think it looks You know what I would like, though? I would like a more ferocious, uh, fierce look.
You know, like Let me see that again.
Could you come along and let them see that expression? I could never describe it.
Hey, I'm surprised, Lucy.
I didn't think you'd go through with it.
Yeah, what made you change your mind? Well, Ricky's right.
The bull is very important in this number, at least he will be, shall we say, with a slight change of personality.
(trumpet fanfare playing) (applause) (upbeat music playing) Shake hands with your Uncle Mike, me lad And kiss your Cousin Kate She's the one you used to swing a-by the garden gate Shake hands with all the neighbors And kiss the Colleens all You're as welcome as the flowers in May In dear old Donegal Yi-hee-hee Skiddereatheroo Skiddereatheroo Yi, yi, yi, yi Yi, yi, doo Shake hands with all the neighbors And kiss the Colleens all You're as welcome as the flowers in May In dear old Donegal.
(song ends, but musical refrain continues) (applause) (music stops) (trumpet fanfare) (waltz playing, applause) I am Fernando the Matador I fight the bulls as you see I'm known far and near, face death without fear Fernando the Fearless, that's me Ole! Ole! Ole! Fernando the Fearless, that's me Ole! Ole! Ole! As fearless as fearless can be Today I meet Toro the Terrible He's mean and he's brave and he's tall A shiny black hide with a devil inside El Toro, the king of them all Ole! Ole! Ole! Fernando the Fearless, that's me Ole! Ole! Ole! As fearless as fearless can be (trumpet fanfare) (slow-tempo music playing) The trumpets blare Let the contest begin The gates open wide The bull rushes in Toro! Toro! (brisk lively music playing) The arena is hushed There is no sound He lowers his head And paws at the ground Toro! Toro! Toro! Closer and closer He lunges by With a look of anger And hate in his eyes Toro! The fight rages on Beast against man The blood will soon Run red on the sand El Toro is weary from my attack To show who is master I turn my back (thump) I take out my sword The end is near The moment for the kill is here (cymbals clashing) Toro! (lively music playing) (waltz playing) (cymbals clashing) (thump) I am Fernando the Matador I kill El Toro today Ole! (upbeat music playing) (applause) (finale playing) ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: Ross Elliott played himself, and the prop man was Ray Kellogg.
I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.