I Love Lucy (1951) s05e02 Episode Script

Lucy and John Wayne

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: And now, "I Love Lucy.
" (audience applauding as orchestra plays theme song) (song ends) Hurry up, Ricky! Your breakfast is here.
I'll be there in a minute.
Uh uh take your time, dear.
It's really too hot to eat.
Operator, give me Room 317.
Hello, Fred? Let me talk to Ethel.
What's she doing in the coffee shop? We just made headlines on the front page- that's what's the matter.
Listen to this: "Grauman's Chinese Theatre robbed.
"John Wayne's footprints mysteriously disappear "from forecourt.
"Last night "the footprints and signature of movie star John Wayne "disappeared from the forecourt of Grauman's Chinese Theatre.
"Police are searching for two women who were seen loitering in the forecourt around 1:30 a.
m.
" Lucy! Uh yeah? Where's my brown tie? Uh in the top drawer, dear.
Tell Ethel I'll call her back.
Well, good morning, dear.
(gruffly): Good morning.
Well, you're certainly in a bad humor this morning.
What do you expect after last night? Oh, now, honey, that wasn't so bad.
I know it seemed terrible last night, but when you stop to think of it, it's really kind of funny.
(forced chuckle) Fred, Ethel and me lugging that big hunk of cement all the way from the theater and then you making us lug it all the way back and then us dropping it and breaking it into a million pieces.
(fake laugh) It's really hilarious, honey! (laughing out loud) (laughter subsiding) It's not funny.
I just hope it isn't in the morning papers.
(resumes laughing) (laughing loudly) Oh, what a silly thing to say, honey.
Come on now, eat your breakfast.
Where is the morning paper? What morning paper? Our morning paper.
Oh, that morning paper.
Uh, well it must be here someplace.
Uh, maybe, uh Uh No, it's not here.
I, uh What's that? Uh, this belongs to the millers downstairs.
Millers? What are you talking about? Uh well, eat your breakfast, dear.
Oh! This paper doesn't belong to us! MAN: I saw it come from your balcony.
Well, mind your own business! Lucy, what's in that paper? How should I know? I never read other paper's peepers.
Peepers' papers.
Papel's peepers.
I never have enough time.
Lucy? Oh, well, what's the difference, honey? Tomorrow we'll get two papers, and it'll all come out even.
Eat your breakfast, honey.
Come on now.
Have you seen the morning paper? Only as it flew by.
I have seen the morning paper, but Ricky hasn't.
Oh.
Uh, well, I just dropped in to say I can't stay.
RICKY: Ethel! Ethel, you come back here.
Ethel, I want to see that paper.
Come on now.
Well "Last night the footprints and signature "of movie star John Wayne "disappeared from the forecourt "of Grauman's Chinese Theatre.
"Police are searching for two women "who were seen loitering in the forecourt around 1:30 a.
m.
"by Mr.
And Mrs.
Irving Massey of New York City.
" That must be that nosy couple.
"Mr.
And Mrs.
Massey described the two women as a middle-aged dishwater blonde " Oh! Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ah, I didn't read that far.
(laughing) Go on.
" and a wild-eyed, frowsy redhead.
" "Police are throwing out a dragnet for these two vandals.
" Oh.
Well, I hope that you're satisfied.
Well, what are you going to do? Never mind.
Give me Grauman's Chinese Theatre, please.
What are you going to do?! I'm going to tell them everything.
Everything?! Yes, everything.
May I speak to the manager, please? Have you gone crazy? You keep out of this.
Hello? Uh, uh, look, sir, uh, this is Ricky Ricardo.
Ricky Ricardo.
Well, I just made a picture for MGM.
I'm an actor and an orchestra leader And a stool pigeon.
And a stool pige Uh, uh, uh, uh, Mr.
, uh, Mr.
Manager, look.
I- I want to speak to you about the disappearance of Mr.
Wayne's footprints.
Yes, well (chuckling) You see, the whole thing was kind of a a prank.
You-you see, my-my wife and her girlfriend went down the No, sir.
My wife is the frowsy redhead.
Well it's, it's really very funny when you think about it, sir.
You see, they're crazy about souvenirs.
Yeah.
They went down there and just pried the cement loose, you see.
With a crowbar.
And then they took it home with them! Is he laughing? No.
Oh.
Well you see, sir, uh, I the picture that I made is gonna to come out pretty soon and I want to avoid any unfavorable publicity, so Uh, well, we would bring it back That's what I want to talk to you about.
No, no, no, no.
Don't-don't send anyone over here, no.
Uh yes, sir.
Yes, sir, we will bring it back ourselves.
Yes, sir.
Good-bye.
Have you gone crazy? How can we take it back? It's broken in a million pieces! He says if I bring it back undamaged, he will protect me.
Otherwise, it's a case for the police! Ew Oh, what do we do? How long have we got? Till tonight.
Tonight? Tonight? Yes, tonight.
They're previewing John Wayne's new picture Blood Alley there tonight.
Mr.
Wayne is making an appearance and there's no footprints in the forecourt! LUCY: Oh, no! Well, kids, our troubles are all over.
I just made a duplicate of John Wayne's footprints.
Now, now, now, now, don't touch it.
It's still wet.
How do you like it? Oh, it's pretty awful, Fred.
Well, it's terrible, Fred.
That's no good.
What's wrong with it? Well, for one thing, the feet are way too big.
Yeah.
I guess I shouldn't have used Ethel's shoes.
Besides, the real footprints were made with Western boots, not shoes.
And you don't spell Wayne "W-a-i-n.
" W- a-y-n-e.
Oh, I'll go make another one.
Oh, forget it, Fred.
You know, it's dishonest to forge footprints.
Yeah.
Look who's turning honest all of a sudden- Dishwater Mertz and Frowsy Ricardo.
LUCY: Don't use that expression again if you don't mind.
(phone rings) I don't like it.
Hello.
Just a minute, please.
It's for you, Frowsy.
Oh Hello.
Oh, hi, Irma.
What?! Oh, I'm sorry! We forgot! We-we-we forgot now.
We'll be right down.
We forgot our hairdressing appointment.
Oh, my Are you kidding?! You're gonna your hair done at a time like this?! If I have to go to jail, I do not want to be referred to as a Frowsy Redhead! What am I gonna do? Well, you can always shoot yourself.
Well, come on, think of something.
Well What's the matter with me? Why don't I call Duke? Who? Duke- John Wayne.
All his friends call him Duke.
Oh.
He's a wonderful guy! I had lunch with him at the studio a couple of times.
I'll bet you he'll help me out.
Yeah, well, what if he won't? Then I'll shoot myself.
Fred, what do you think of that? Good.
Looks nice and smooth.
Yeah, I think so.
Yeah.
(phone ringing) Hello? Oh! Send him right up, please.
Thank you.
He's here.
He's sure an all right guy.
Say, Rick, is it really true that John Wayne is as tough as he appears to be on the screen? Well, he's pretty big and well-built.
Yeah, well, I heard a fella in the barbershop said the other day that when you shake hands with John Wayne, it's like putting your fingers in a vise.
Well, I don't know about that.
Well, I got a pretty good grip myself, you know.
Fred, you're not going to act like a cornball, are you? Oh, now, don't worry.
I'm going over to get Ethel's autograph book.
She'll want his signature.
All right.
If you annoy him, enough, you may find out how tough he is.
All right, all right.
Hi, Duke! Hey! Hi! Good to see you.
Nice to see you, Duke.
It-it's sure great of you to help me out this way.
Oh, well, I'm glad to.
I'm very flattered that your wife is such a fan of mine, stealing my footprints.
Is she here? No, no.
Oh, well, that's too bad.
I've heard a lot about her- from Bill Holden.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
'Course I accused him of making a lot of it up.
Yeah, well, uh, look, uh, John, uh, speaking of-of fans, I have a friend of mine that lives next door here, and I think he's gonna come over and ask for your autograph.
I hope you don't mind.
Oh, absolutely not.
I'm afraid of the day they won't want it.
Well, I also have an awful hunch that he's gonna try to shake hands with you and try to find out how strong your grip is.
Oh, another one Yeah.
of those, eh? Well, if he's a friend of yours, we'll humor him.
Hi! Hi, Count! Not "Count.
" Duke.
"Mr.
Wayne" to you.
John, this is Fred Mertz.
Howdy, pardner! How do ya do-o-o-o-o? Ooh! I'm sorry.
You've got quite a grip there, fella.
Yeah, well, I used to box a little when I was a young fella.
Really? Fred, don't press your luck, huh? Oh, no, no.
I'm sorry.
Hey, I forgot.
Would you sign my wife's autograph book for me? Well, I'd be glad to Here's a pencil.
as soon as I can get some blood back in this hand.
Rick, Ethel's gonna flip when she sees this.
Yeah, well, let's get going with the footprints We don't want to waste John's time.
Thank ya, Count.
Duke.
I wore the same shoes I had on when I made this the first time.
Oh, that's great.
Yeah, just put them right in there.
That's it.
Now we get the other one.
Here.
That's it.
Here, Rick.
Here.
That's it.
Attaboy.
I'll take it.
(grunting) I tell you what- we'd better get downstairs and get these boots shined.
All right, Rick.
Fine.
Now for the signature, let's put it on top of the table, huh? All right.
Oh, oh, oh, oh! Don't strain yourself.
I'll handle that.
Kinda heavy.
(spitting) Well, I was just too nervous to sit there, that's all.
Well, you might have let me take the curlers out of my hair.
You could.
I can think with curlers in my hair.
Now, for heaven's sake, I got a few things on my Oh, look.
Freddy the Forger strikes again! No, the writing is different.
I think Ricky did this.
Well, nice try, but they'll never get away with it.
Oh, dear, what's the matter with those characters? They can't forge a thing like this.
Millions of people have seen this.
Everybody knows what John Wayne's signature looks like.
Look what I got for you, honeybunch.
What? Oh What is it? "Good luck.
John Wayne.
" Oh, Fred.
Oh, honestly, Fred.
I'm surprised you haven't started forging his name on checks.
What do you mean?! That's John Wayne's signature.
Oh, sure.
Yes, it is Hi.
Hey, Rick, They don't believe that's John Wayne's signature.
Sure it is.
He signed it while he was here a few minutes ago.
He wa He was He wa? Wha? Wha? Wha? I thought you'd be surprised.
I don't believe it! Sure, honey.
He's down there in the lobby getting his boots shined.
Yeah.
He got them all dirty when he stuck the boots in th No! No! I'm sorry, honey! What happened?! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't know! We thought it was some more of little Freddy's finger painting.
Oh, no! Oh, honey, honey, I'm sorry.
Look, you said he's downstairs.
Why don't go get him, ask him to do it again? I can't do that.
Well, why not? He-he'll understand.
He's in movies.
Tell him it's a retake.
Well, all right, all I have to do is go to jail.
Your whole career will be ruined.
Yes.
All right.
Mira que tengo que Mira que tengo que ir abajo y decirle al hombre que ponga el foot en el cemento otra vez! Oh, Lucy, that was a great idea.
Gee, we not only get off the hook, but we get to meet John Wayne in person.
Right up here.
Oh, John Wayne! Oh, I can hardly wait.
He's so big and strong and rugged.
Ha! What do you mean, "Ha"? Well, he may be big and strong and rugged, but I'm bigger and stronger and ruggeder.
Oh, Fred, what are you babbling about? They say he's got a grip like a vise, but he was like putty in the hands of Old Bone Crusher Mertz! Oh, honestly, Fred, you're really gone.
Well, I mean it! When I gave him the iron grip, he went right down to his knees! Here.
I'll show you.
Like that? Yeah, you big bully.
Oh, honestly, Fred.
There we are- all smoothed out and ready for another try.
Gee, I hope Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha! What's so funny? This is your big chance to meet John Wayne.
You have curlers in your hair.
(gasps) Yikes! I'll go home and take them out.
I'll be right back.
Hiya, girls.
I want you to meet John Wayne.
Oh! John, this is Mrs.
Mertz.
Oh Mr.
Wayne, how do you do? And, uh, this is my wife Lucy, John.
How do you do, Mr.
Wayne? How do you do? I didn't expect you up here quite like this.
I I'm so terribly sorry.
I- I wasn't ready for it.
Does she always wear her pocketbook on her head? I'm afraid I owe Bill Holden an apology.
Yeah, well, le- let's get going with the, with the footprints.
You sit right Yeah.
over there, John.
Oh, my, you really gonna put your foot? Mr.
Wayne, this is so nice of you to do this for us.
Oh, nothing is too much for a fan like you, Mrs.
Ricardo.
Yeah, well, I certainly am a fan of yours, let me tell you that.
I've seen every one of your pictures.
Oh, so have I, sir.
(yelling) Whose curler is this? Don't look at me.
I'm just I'm just dying just dying to see you in Blood Alley.
Yeah, I've seen all of your pictures.
You know, every single one of them.
You know, when you were up in that plane, in The High and the Mighty, when your motor conked out, my motor conked out right along with it.
That's real acting, you know, real, real acting.
Lucy.
You always Lucy! Lucy, get the! lots of people who are wonderful, but you are the best Lucy, dear, get the pen for the signature, honey.
Oh! Oh, I'm gonna keep this the rest of my life.
Save me a piece.
Yeah.
We're really gonna get to see him do it just like Oh, what penmanship! Well, I'm getting to where I can do it faster each time.
Ah, ha, ha! Oh, he's so funny.
Oh, a sense of humor.
Well, we'd better get back to the shoeshine parlor.
Oh, do you really have to go? Yeah.
Yeah, he has to go, girls.
(Lucy and Ethel clamoring) John, I promise you.
John, I promise you.
This will be the last time.
Well, I'm afraid it'll have to be.
As much as I love stepping in wet cement, I'm afraid I'll be late at the studio.
Well, you keep making those pictures for us.
Bye, John.
Good-bye.
Don't you quit.
Good-bye! Good-bye, John.
Oh Isn't he a wonderful guy? He is, Rick.
Well, all we have to do now is take the block of cement to Grauman's Chinese and everything is straightened out.
Eh, Lucy? Lucy? Lucy! Come on, honey, let's get the block of cement.
We'll take it to the theater, huh? Come on.
Okay.
Oh, no! Oh! Oh! Oh, no! I'm telling you, I walked around for two hours before I got enough nerve to come over here and ask you to do it again.
(grunting) My wife doesn't know I'm here.
(straining) I suppose those things happen.
Pardon me, Ricky.
That's okay.
(knock on door) Come in.
Is this okay to go on with, Mr.
Wayne? Looks okay to me.
Better check with Mr.
Wellman.
Thank you.
(phone ringing) Hello! Oh.
Your wife and her friend are at the gate.
I tell you what.
Pretend you're mad.
Pretend? (snickering) Let them stew for a while, and then we'll surprise them with this, you see.
Tell them, "No!" No! "Absolutely not!" Absolutely not! "Don't bother me with a thing like that no more!" Don't bother me with a thing like that no more! Ready for your rubdown? Oh, don't bother with that.
George'll Oh, I insist.
This is the least I can do.
MAN: Ready on the set, Mr.
Wayne, for the beach scene! Okay! George, you'll have to wait till after this scene.
Okay.
Sorry, Ricky, I'll have to get on the set.
Sure, sure.
How can I ever thank you? Make this the last time.
(chuckling): Okay, sure.
Okay.
(door shuts) (whispering:) Go ahead.
Closer to the (grunting) Wait.
That's enough.
Ooh! There.
Oh, Lucy, are you sure that'll work? Listen, when Mr.
Wayne comes out of his dressing room, he must step down there.
That way, we will have his footprints.
It's that simple.
What about his signature? Once we have his footprints, how can he refuse to sign? I don't see how can he refuse to punch you in the nose.
(door opening) (thudding and clattering) Oh! Ricky, what are you doing here? I came I came Aah (angry muttering) He didn't even say good-bye.
Oh, Lucy, look.
He came down here to get John Wayne's footprints again.
Ethel, we're saved.
The signature, it isn't touched, see? All I have to do now is go in there, steal a pair of his boots, make the imprints and our troubles are over.
Okay.
I'll get this stuff out of here.
All right.
(footsteps approaching) WAYNE: Well, give me five ten minutes, will ya? I want to get a rubdown.
Ah George? (gruff voice): Yeah? Let's get on with the rubdown.
Hurry it up! I haven't got all day.
Oh, cut the comedy, George.
Get on with the rubdown.
The robe, George! Harder.
You heard any good stories lately, George? Nope.
Oh, I heard a beaut in the steam room the other day.
It seems there was this traveling salesman (grunting) who couldn't find a hotel room in this town but he did find a farmer who had a beautiful daughter.
Hey! Take it easy, will ya? Well, anyway, it was raining outside (knocking) MAN: Mr.
Wayne! Yes? Mr.
Wayne, you're ready on the set! They want you on the set.
Okay.
George, I'm wanted on the set.
George! Are you ready for your rub now? You just gave me one! I just got here.
I'm beginning to worry about you, George.
You're getting punchy! I don't know.
I don't know.
I just ran out of his dressing room and I was so scared, I just came on home.
I don't know what happened to Ethel.
Well, let's just hope for the best.
Don't worry, Fred.
She'll show up.
I said let's hope for the best.
Fred, I am worried about Ethel.
Hi.
LUCY: Hi.
Come on in, Duke.
LUCY: Duke?! I told him what happened and he was just a doll.
Oh, Mr.
Wayne, I'm so! Oh, you're so wonderful! Thank you so much.
John, I don't know how to thank you.
Oh, that's so wonderful of you.
And we're gonna take good care of that.
Don't you worry.
And I took care of that, too.
Come in here! I brought you a six-month supply! (Ricky laughing loudly) LUCY: Great! Oh! Oh, that's great! ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: Mr.
John Wayne portrayed himself.
The man with the poster was Louis Nicoletti and the masseur was Ralph Volkie.
Mr.
Wayne's latest picture is Blood Alley, released through Warner Brothers and soon to be seen in your local theaters.
I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.