I Love Lucy (1951) s05e03 Episode Script

Lucy and the Dummy

("I love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: And now, I Love Lucy.
(applause) Hello, hello.
(screaming) Oh! It's just a model of my head that the studio made for the trick shots.
Oh, what a terrible thing to do.
Don't you ever come home with two heads again.
Not-not bad, huh? Same eyes, same nose, same lips.
Can't tell the difference, can you? Nope.
Lucy I'm only kidding.
You kiss much better.
Sheesh, what a wonderful souvenir to take back home and I know just what to do with it.
We'll put it on top of the piano.
Oh, great.
No, really, I think it would look wonder Hey, it'd make a wonderful lamp! Lamp? Yeah, look.
Sure, a little longer neck, you'd make a wonderful floor lamp.
I'm going to take a shower.
I'd better get this out of the way.
If little Ricky sees this, it'll scare him to pieces.
(laughing) Gee, if I just had two of these heads, they'd make wonderful bookends.
Yeah, but don't get any ideas.
Oh Hey, I forgot to tell you.
I made a date to go dipsy fishing.
Dipsy fishing? Yeah, you know, in the ocean.
Oh! Deep-sea fishing.
I'm leaving tomorrow morning.
Oh, that's wonderful, honey.
Hey, Ricky, can I No.
And don't stick your tongue out at me.
Oh, honey, I promise I won't say a word while the fish are biting.
(shower running) Oh About this dipsy fishing Now, you know I'm not the kind of girl that talks (phone ringing) Will you excuse me? Thank you very much.
(ringing) Hello? MAN: Is Ricky Ricardo there? Yes, he is, but he's busy right now.
Could I take a message? Yeah.
This is Chip Jackson over at MGM.
We're having a studio party tomorrow night and we thought Ricky could help entertain in a show we're putting on for the executives.
Well, I'm sorry, but he's For the executives? Mm-hmm.
All the big shots will be there.
(shower running) Well, uh Mr.
Ricardo does do an act with Mrs.
Ricardo, a great undiscovered talent, and, uh, if he could, uh, a-appear with Mrs.
Ricardo, I think he would do it.
He doesn't like to appear without her.
She's really very talented.
Hello, hello? Are you still there? Uh yes.
Uh eh, eh, is Mrs.
Ricardo really good? Is she? I'll say I am- she am.
She is.
Uh well, uh well, as long as we can get Mr.
Well, now just a moment, and I'll check with him.
Ricky? Yeah?! MGM's on the wire.
They want to know if you'll appear at a studio party tomorrow night.
Absolutely not! I'm going fishing! He says he'd love to.
Oh, fine.
Meet at Fox Century.
Oh, they'll be there.
Did you tell them? Yeah, I told them.
That's too bad about the studio party, honey, but nobody's gonna keep me from this fishing trip.
I don't know why you want to go fishing anyway.
You know you're not gonna catch any fish.
Why do you say that? Well, you know the old saying: You can't catch fish in a month that has an "R" in it.
That's for oysters.
What's the matter? Don't you want me to go? Oh, sure, I do.
I- It's just that I'll miss you.
Oh, now, honey, I'll only be gone a couple of days.
All right, all right, go ahead and go.
I don't care I don't care if you'd rather go fishing than be with me.
Oh, now, honey.
You love fish better than you do your own wife.
Now, that's not true.
You should have married a barracuda! All right, all right.
If it will make you happy, I'll take you with me.
Oh I don't want to go! What is this? You don't want to go.
You don't want me to go.
What do you want? I want you to go to the studio party tomorrow night.
I knew there was something cooking in that little brain of yours.
Why are you so interested that I go to the studio party tomorrow night? You want the truth? That would be refreshing, yes.
The whole truth? That would be even more refreshing.
I lied.
That sounds like the truth.
I told them that you and I would do an act together.
Oh, no! Oh, now, Ricky, please! Oh, no.
I'm going fishing.
But, honey, I already told the studio.
Well, then you will have to tell the studio that you made a mistake.
I will not.
You will, too.
I can't do that.
Why can't you? Because that would be lying.
Well, I don't want to hear one more word about it.
Oh, Ricky, now, please! Let's get out of here.
And miss this? LUCY: You stay here for the studio party or you'll be sorry.
Now, Lucy, don't threaten me.
Let go.
No! Let go! Oh, Ricky! Ouch! Well, it serves you right! Ricky, talk to me.
Oh Let's go.
Where are you going? (screaming) I knew someday he'd go too far.
Oh, this is just a model of Ricky's head he brought home from the studio.
Oh, Lucy, you almost scared me to death with that thing.
It looks exactly like Ricky.
Doesn't it? Looks so much like him, I'd like to punch it in the nose.
Hey, that's fun! Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, dipsy fishing, huh? Dipsy fishing.
Ricky, after all I've said, you're still going fishing? Oh, no, no, honey.
I'm going golfing.
Oh, you're impossible.
No, you're the one who's impossible.
I happen to be very possible.
Well, I got to get going.
Ricky, please? Nope.
Please do the number with me just this once.
Absolutely not! Oh! They're always showing the same old movie on this channel.
Well, so long.
See you in a couple of days.
No, wait.
Fred, in all the years you've been married, have you ever left Ethel alone to go fishing? Nope.
You see? He loves his wife.
He's devoted, considerate.
And what's more, he gets seasick.
No, I do not get seasick.
Hah! He gets queasy if I have too many waves in my hair.
Well, I got to get going.
You think someone would kiss me good-bye.
Well, don't look at me.
See you in a couple of days.
Have a good time, Rick.
Good-bye, Rick.
Thank you.
Catch us a fish.
I'll try to get you some.
All right.
Oh some husband I've got.
If my mother wasn't living with us, I'd go home to her.
Well, what are you gonna do? Call up the studio and tell them you can't make it? No.
I can make it.
I'll tell them Ricky can't make it.
They won't want you without Ricky.
Why do you say that?! Because it's the truth.
Well, I know, but why do you say it? I got to get an idea.
Okay, we'll leave you here to think.
Come on, Fred.
All right.
Here, Lucy, two heads are better than one.
Oh Lucy?! Lucy?! Yeah? What did you want to see us about? Yeah, I'm eating my lunch.
LUCY: Oh, I'm sorry, Fred.
Listen, Ethel, turn on that record of Ricky's and sit down, and I have something very important to show you.
What's going on here? I don't know.
(upbeat music playing) When we are dancing and you're dangerously near me I get ideas I want to hold you so much closer than I dare to I want to scold you 'Cause I care more than I care to And when you touch me And there's a smile in every fac What do you think? You think it'll work? Think what'll work? Well, my dance for the studio club.
Do you think they'll know it's a dummy? Nobody but the audience.
Aw! Didn't it fool you at all? Nope.
The dummy's a better dancer than Ricky.
Oh, Fred! It fooled me for a couple of seconds.
Did it? It sure did.
Then I can fool an audience that long.
Now, this is what I want to do.
I want to dance out on the stage with Raggedy Ricky here, I dance around a little bit and then he'll be suddenly taken ill, see, and I'll help him off the stage and I'll come back and finish the number by myself.
You'll never get away with it.
Well, I will if you help me.
Well, so long, Lucy.
Come on, Fred.
Now, Ethel! I want you to help me.
Not a chance.
Why not, Ethel? What?! Good boy, Fred.
Are you out of your mind? Now, look, we're going to give in eventually- we always do- and if we say no now, she'll keep us around here arguing all afternoon.
So, why don't we say yes right away and then I can go ahead with my lunch.
Oh, you're absolutely right, Fred! Now here's what I want to tell you about.
Oh, you can't hear this.
Now, this is ridiculously simple.
All I (knocking at door) Come on in.
Did you have much trouble? A little.
Well, The guard at the gate wanted to smell his breath, but I talked him out of it.
You know, I'm getting fond of this guy.
Put him right down here.
Come on, Esteban.
Thank you very, very much.
Oh, that's beautiful! Where did you get it? At a costume company.
(band playing fanfare) The show's starting.
Give me a hand with him.
All right.
(applause) Thank you.
We're gonna start the show off tonight with a wonderful surprise.
You know how proud we are that MGM will soon be releasing Samuel Goldwyn's new picture, Guys and Dolls to theaters all over the country.
Guys and Dolls stars Marlon Brando, Jean Simmons, Frank Sinatra and Vivian Blaine.
Well, tonight we're able to give you a preview of one of the musical numbers.
On the screen right over there.
(applause) Thank you.
Now here we go.
Open the door.
Good luck.
(muttering) Gee, I hope this works.
Every producer on the lot is gonna be out there tonight.
You you'll kill 'em.
Let's go stand in the wing.
(band playing fanfare) And now, ladies and gentlemen, one of our newest stars here at MGM- Ricky Ricardo in a special number with his partner, Mrs.
(audience applauding) (band playing "I Get Ideas") I'm so sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but something seems to be the matter with Mr.
Oh, it's nothing serious.
Don't be alarmed.
In the tradition of our business, though, the show must go on.
So, if you'll excuse me, I'll be right back.
Ricardo, if your husband is ill we can cancel the whole thing.
Oh, no, no, the show must go on.
Yes, but Mrs.
Ricardo The show must go on! (whispering) Hold still.
Get the arm off.
Straighten my mantilla out in the back.
Straighten it way out.
Are you ready? I got it.
Okay, here I go.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs.
Ricky Ricardo.
(applause) Wait! Wait.
When we are dancing And you're dangerously near me I get ideas I get ideas I want to hold you so much closer than I dare to What a trooper.
I want to scold you But I care more than I care to And when you touch me And when there's fire in every finger I get ideas And after we have kissed good night And still you linger I kinda think you get ideas, too (off-key): Your eyes Your, your, your, your, your, your, your eyes are always saying The things I hope they're saying I only hope they're saying That you would love me, too 'Cause that's the whole idea, it's true The lovely idea That I've fallen in love with you.
(song ends, but musical refrain continues) (applause) (music and applause continuing) Oh, Fred, what are we gonna tell Ricky? Well, I maintain that honesty is the best policy.
I know, but what are we gonna tell Ricky? Hi, everybody.
Hi, Rick.
Hi, Rick.
Where's Lucy? Uh, did you catch a lot of fish? No, it was too shoppy.
You know, when it's that shoppy, there's not much fish.
Where's Lucy? Uh, "shoppy," huh? Oh, yeah, I'm telling you, all the way to Catalina, the boat just roll and roll and roll and roll and then it pitch forward and goes back and it roll and it roll.
I'm telling you, it was terrible.
All the way through.
Hey, Rick, get me off this boat.
(laughing): I'm sorry, Fred.
Where's Lucy? Did she go out? Oh, uh, she, uh Ethel, where's Lucy? Ricky, Lucy's got a job.
What?! She went to that studio party last night.
Oh, you two were a sensation.
Who two? You and Lucy.
What are you talking about? Wait a minute.
I'll show you.
What is she babbling about? (singing melody to "I Get Ideas") Oh no.
How could she have gotten away with it? She didn't, but it was such a mess, they thought it was a comedy act and they offered her a year's contract! That's where she is now, over there talking over terms.
I can't believe it.
Oh, Ricky, you can't let her sign that contract.
She'd have to stay out here a whole year.
She can't do that.
But you can stop her, can't you, Rick? 'Course I stop her.
Huh! I'll just tell her, "You just can't take this contract.
What do you think, you're gonna " Wait a minute.
I can't stop her.
If I do, she'll throw it in my face for the rest of my life.
He's right.
But you'd better think up something fast.
She'll be home any minute.
Well, let's see I tell you what.
We'll use physiocology.
What?! Physiocology.
You know, when you want somebody to do something, you make them think you want them to do something else.
Physicology? Yes, honey, you know, what a physichiatrist use.
That's a head doctor.
Oh, psychology.
All right, have it your own way.
Look, here's what we're gonna do.
When she comes in LUCY: I get ideas, I get ideas Follow my lead.
Ethel, I'm gonna sign the contract tomorrow.
Oh, hi, honey.
Hi, there.
Did you hear the news? Yes, yes.
The Mertzes told me all about it.
And I think it's wonderful.
You do? Yes, I certainly do.
I was afraid you'd be angry with me.
Angry? Well, honey, why should I be angry? Just because you took a dummy over to the studio and made him pass as your husband? (chuckling): Why, honey that is exactly what any any normal, red-blooded, American girl would have done.
Oh, boy, you must have caught a lot of fish.
No, no, no, I'm sincerely glad.
This is what you've always wanted to do and now you've done it.
Gee, you're really glad, huh? Yeah.
Oh, Lucy, this is so exciting.
Oh, boy, I can hardly wait till I get my first big picture.
Yeah, well, you'll have to be sure and write to us and tell us all about it.
Oh, don't worry What do you mean, write? Well, honey, Little Ricky and me and the Mertzes are gonna be back in New York and you'll be out here Oh, no, no, you're all gonna be out here with me.
Oh, I'm sorry, I can't do that.
I have a contract at the Tropicana.
I open there in a couple of weeks.
Oh, we've left our apartment house much too long already.
Yeah, after all, we're still the landlords.
Well, gee, I know, but Now, honey, you cannot let your family and your best friends interfere with your professional career.
Well, I know, but And, besides, it's not like we were gonna be millions of miles away.
You can come and visit us every Christmas.
And you can call us as often as you like.
That's right.
And don't you worry about Little Ricky.
I'll show him your picture every night, so he won't forget his mommy.
Oh, no, no! I gotta have Little Ricky and all of you out here.
Now, look, Ricky, you can book your band out here someplace, you know that, and if it's a matter of money, I'll be making a large salary.
I'll, I'll pay all your expenses.
Oh, thanks, honey, but I'm afraid not.
Well, now, wait a minute, Ethel.
I'm sorry, I-I'm afraid we can't.
No, no, we really have to go, but that doesn't mean that you have to, you know.
Honey, what's the matter? You look sad.
We're happy for you.
FRED: Yeah.
This is what you've always wanted: a career in show business.
We're really happy for you.
Aren't you happy? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm happy.
I'm very happy I guess.
RICKY: You can't let your family and best friends interfere with your career.
ETHEL: You can call us as often as you like.
RICKY: We'll show the baby your picture, so he'll know who his mommy is.
LUCY: I'm sorry, sir, but I've decided to go home and be with my family.
MAN: You're making a big mistake, my dear.
We have great plans for you.
We're certain that you'll be a big star.
Big star.
LUCY: Oh, yes, yes, I'm Lucy Ricardo.
My autograph? Of course.
I don't mind.
When people stop asking, that's when I'll mind.
Oh, you're welcome, my dear.
What's that? Another Oscar? I'll have to oblige to this.
This is the sixth one.
Uh, the twelfth one.
A call for me? I'll take it right here on the set.
Hello? Oh, hello, Little Ricky, honey.
Well, Mommy misses you, too.
Oh, don't cry, sweetie.
Mommy will be home for a whole day at Christmas.
(Little Ricky crying) Oh, don't cry, little Ricky, honey.
Don't cry, baby, don't cry.
Oh, Little Ricky! Baby, Mommy's coming, Mommy's coming! I'm sorry, baby.
It's all your fault.
It's all your (screaming) (crying) Honey, I'm sorry.
Ricky, I don't want to stay out here.
I want to be with you and the baby and the Mertzes.
That's my baby.
I don't want to stay out here.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: The emcee was played by Lee Millar, theremin effects by Dr.
Samuel Hoffman.
I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.