I Love Lucy (1951) s05e07 Episode Script

Face to Face

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: And now, "I Love Lucy.
" (applause) (theme song fading out) Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Going to go to the movies? Oh, no, thanks, we can't.
No, I have a business appointment.
Guess what, he signed with Associated Artists today.
Who are they? "Who are they?" Ha! Just the biggest talent agency in the business, that's all.
Oh, Rick, that's great.
Well, congratulations, Rick.
You know, the funny part about that is, before I went to Hollywood, I couldn't get in the front door of their office.
And since I come back, they came after me.
Well, a trip to Hollywood sort of made celebrities out of all of us.
I'm a very important person since we came home.
Really? Yes, sir.
Nowadays when I go to the meat market and order hamburger, the butcher grinds it right in front of my eyes.
Yeah, you know, if I wanted to go to the store without collecting a crowd, I'd have to wear dark glasses and walk down an alley.
Well, that's a lot of trouble, isn't it? I don't know.
I haven't tried it yet.
(doorbell buzzing) Hey, that must be Johnny.
ETHEL: Oh, we'll duck out.
No, stick around.
Stick around.
I'd like you to meet him.
All right, okay.
Hello, Johnny.
Ah, Rick, buddy, how are you? Johnny, I want you to meet my wife Lucy.
How do you do, Mr.
Clark? Hello, Lucy, how are you? These are my friends Fred and Ethel Mertz.
Mrs.
Mertz, Hello, how are you? Mr.
Clark.
Mr.
Mertz.
Hi, Mr.
Clark.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I was having dinner with Bing, and we had a few problems we had to iron out.
Oh, uh, Mr.
Clark, pardon me, but when you left him, did you shake hands with him? Yes.
Ethel, I just shook the hand that shook the hand of Bing Crosby.
I shook it, too.
Well, I was first.
You were a whole hand later.
Sit down, Johnny.
You must forgive Lucy.
She's a little star-struck.
Star struck? Well, you'd better get over that, Lucy, because before long, your husband is going to be one of the biggest stars this country has ever known.
Really? Absolutely.
Well, gee.
Sit down, John.
I saw Dick and Oscar at the Stork tonight.
They're considering you for their new show.
Oh, no kidding.
Yeah, and I think I've got you planted on the Ed Sullivan Show for next month.
No kidding.
Boy.
And Ed Warren wants you on his Face To Face TV show.
Ed Warren?! Yeah.
You mean, millions of people will be seeing us right here in our own home? That's right.
Oh, gosh! Oh, isn't that wonderful! Honey! Honey! Yeah? We're not on tonight.
I'll tell you in plenty of time.
Oh, well, that's good, because I want to get new draperies, slipcover all the furniture and we'd better repaint the apartment.
No, that won't be necessary, Mrs.
Ricardo.
Well, I just want everything to look nice and cheery.
Well, it's gonna take more than a coat of paint to make this dump look like anything.
Ricky, you can't be seen on Face To Face in a, in a crummy joint like this.
Now, uh, wait a minute now, Johnny.
I forgot to mention something about the Mertzes.
Yeah, we own this crummy joint.
Well, listen, there's no offense.
It's just that we're building Ricky up as a colorful, exciting, new personality, and he's got to live like a star should.
You know, in some place like well, like a Park Avenue apartment.
Penthouse even.
Here, I, uh, I brought along some apartment house brochures.
Well, look them over.
Well, I like it here.
So do I.
I'll have you know that this is one of the finest apartment buildings in New York.
If not the finest.
These walls are solid.
Fred.
Solid as a rock.
They don't build them like this anymore.
No, they haven't built them like this for a hundred years.
Now, just a minute, Johnny.
The Mertzes are our best friends and we've lived in this apartment for and we're gonna stay right here.
I didn't mean anything, Ricky, and I'm sorry if I offended anyone.
It's just that I'm thinking about your career.
He can have just as big a career living here as he can in some Park Avenue penthouse.
That's right.
All right, all right.
Have it your own way.
I'll see if I can't get another angle on that Ed Warren show and call you in the morning.
Okay.
Good night, Lucy.
Good night, Mr.
Clark.
Good-bye.
(door shuts) Gee, I'm I'm sorry, Fred.
Oh, that's all right.
This apartment has been insulted by bigger men than him.
Yeah, building inspectors.
Imagine us living in a big, fancy apartment.
I like it here.
So do I.
Don't you worry, Fred.
We're never gonna leave this crummy joint.
LUCY: Oh! We're not worried about that.
We're going to the movies.
We'll run along.
See you tomorrow.
Okay, good-bye.
Okay.
Don't forget- tomorrow night we play bridge, huh? All right, see you later.
We won't.
I'm not sure I like your new agent.
Oh, honey, he doesn't know any better.
Us in a Park Avenue penthouse.
Sheesh! "Four bedrooms, four bathrooms and a library.
" What would we do with all that room? Hmm.
"Private terrace.
" Hmm.
Well, that would be nice for little Ricky.
"Daily maid service.
" Whoa.
How much do they want for all that swank? They start at $11,000 a year! For us they end there, too.
I'll say.
Hoo-hoo.
I would kind of like to take a look at one just to see what it's like inside, you know? Just forget it.
Yeah.
Hi, honey.
Well, hi.
Where have you been? It's after 8:00.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Rehearsing a new show, you know, takes a lot of time.
Yeah.
You have any dinner? Yeah, I had a bite at the club.
Hey, guess what I did today? What? I looked at one of those Park Avenue penthouses.
I just wanted to see what it looked like.
It was a $11,000 humdinger.
Boy, you should have seen it.
A tremendous living room, view of Central Park and the softest carpet.
They were this thick.
I didn't see my feet for half an hour.
Made this place look like the city dump.
Now, Lucy Relax.
I found out a terrible thing.
It wasn't comfortable over there.
I guess I'm the city-dump type.
Well, my pocketbook thanks you.
I must have looked like the city-dump type, too.
Mrs.
Skyler- she's the manager over there- she wasn't even gonna show me the place until I told her who you were.
(wry chuckle) I'll tell Fred and Ethel you're here.
Okay, I'll clean up.
I'll be right out.
Okay, fine.
We'll be right over.
Ricky's home.
Let's go over and play some bridge.
Well, come on, what's the matter with you? Oh, I was just thinking about last night and how Lucy and Ricky told his agent they'd never move out of here.
They're such wonderful people.
Yeah, you're right.
They really are.
They're the kind of people that give people a good name.
They're the best friends we ever had.
That's for sure.
We got to get them out of here.
Yep, we got to What?! We got to make them move out of here.
And lose perfectly good tenants? Oh, now, Fred, for once, will you think with your heart instead of your wallet? I don't know what you're talking about.
They don't want to move.
Sure they do, and they should, but they don't want to hurt our feelings.
We can't let friendship stand in the way of Ricky's career.
He doesn't belong in a place like this.
He belongs in a big, beautiful, wonderful apartment.
You know, you're right, but how are we gonna get them to move? Well, we'll have to be subtle about it so they won't catch on.
Yeah.
We can burn the building down.
Fred, are you crazy? No, I'm insured.
Oh, Fred.
Now, let's see.
How does a landlord get a tenant to move out? Well, suppose we give them a lot of bad service- no heat, no repairs.
Think that'll work? It hasn't for 15 years.
No, we got to think of something else.
How about, uh Well, we could pick a fight.
What, what about? Well, we could pick one about, um, about the bridge game.
You know how sensitive Lucy is about her bridge playing.
Good.
Come on.
Now, Fred, Fred, don't weaken.
Remember, it's all for friendship.
Okay, come on.
What's keeping them? (knock at door) Whoa, since when do you knock? Hi.
Sorry I was late.
Come on, let's get going.
Hurry up.
Sit down.
Come on, sit down.
Come on.
No, we just came over to tell you not to count on us for bridge.
Uh, yes, uh, we've made other plans.
Well, how come? You know this is our regular bridge night.
Well, maybe it's time for a change.
What do you mean? Well, I guess you'd better come right out and tell them the truth.
The fact of the matter is, we don't want to play bridge with you anymore.
What?! Why not? Well, to put it as charitably as possible and not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, you are lousy bridge players.
Now, just a minute! Oh, now, Ricky, you're not so bad, but there's some excuse for you: You learned how to play in Cuba.
But Lucy- whee! She may bring back mah-jongg.
Look who's talking- the queen of the ace trumpers! Well, if you want to get nasty about it, I thought we knew each other well enough to be honest.
Oh, well, if you want to get honest, let's go.
I've got plenty of ammunition.
You are possibly one of the worst Now, just-just wait-wait-wait, wait-wait a minute, wait a minute.
Why don't you put your money where your big mouth is? Why don't you stay and play for money? Real money.
Ha! Fred play for money? I'm not the cheapskate in this group.
Meaning I? Meaning you! You're tighter than the skin on your congo drum.
Now, now, now, now, don't bug your eyes out at me.
Save that for your movie fans if you have any.
(shrieking) This is the thanks we get for sticking it out for 15 long years in this termite-ridden deep freeze.
If you don't like it here, nobody is twisting your arm.
Yeah, go ahead.
Go ahead and what? Go ahead and move out.
Well, that's all we had to hear.
That's just what we're going to do! Good riddance.
And the sooner the better.
Don't worry, we're getting out of this tenement before it's condemned by the Board of Health.
Good, and you can't make it soon enough for us.
That's right! Ha! Oh! I'm going to start packing right this minute.
Oh, no, you're not.
Why not? Those two crazy, wonderful people.
What are you talking? What-what-what, what's You deserting to the enemy? No, honey.
Don't you see? They were acting like that because they love us.
Well, I'd hate to think how they'd act if they couldn't stand us.
Now, honey, they think that if I stay here, it's going to ruin my career.
Oh.
Sure.
So they, they, they acted like that so we'd pick a fight and move to one of those fancy apartments that my agent was talking about.
Oh, Ricky, you're right.
When did you catch on? Listen, any time that Fred Mertz tells one of his steady-paying tenants to move out, there's something fishy somewhere.
Oh, Ricky, they're so Oh, I could just cry.
Boy, I'll bet they'll move out tomorrow.
Tomorrow? They may even go tonight.
Yeah, they might.
Did you see Lucy's face when I told her what a horrible bridge player she was? Did you hear Ricky when I told him what a cheapskate he is? (laughing): Yeah.
(crying): Oh, I miss them already! Yeah, me, too.
Now now we'll have to get somebody else to play bridge with us.
Yeah, and the way we play, that's not gonna be easy.
No, it's not.
What's your Aunt Martha's phone number? Gramercy 3-8-0-9-8.
(sobbing) What are you calling Aunt Martha for? Well, she always wanted to rent an apartment in our building, and I thought we might let them have the Ricardos' apartment.
Fred, how can you think of money at a time like this?! In my sorrow, do I know what I'm doing? Hello? I'll take it.
Hello, Aunt Martha? This is little Ethel.
Listen, do you and Uncle Elmo still want an apartment in our building? I think we're going to have a vacancy.
The Ricardos.
Well, they haven't told us the exact date, but I could let you know.
Oh, that's nice.
Okay, I'll call you, Aunt Martha.
Bye.
She'll take it.
That's fine.
I miss Lucy already! Oh, now, honeybunch, don't start crying.
She's the best friend I ever had.
Now, come on, honey, snap out of it.
Come on.
Oh, I can't help it.
That's the nicest thing anybody ever did for anybody.
I know, I know.
Look, we'll just go over there and we'll tell them that we appreciate what they're trying to do, but that we're not going to move.
Oh, honey, we can't do that.
They mustn't know that we know what they're trying to do.
I guess you're right.
Well, I'll tell you what.
Look, I'll, I'll apologize for starting the fight.
I'll tell them it's all my fault.
Well, all right, and I'll tell them that I'm gonna start taking bridge lessons.
Hey, that's good.
Okay.
Come on, let's go.
(phone ringing) (sniffling) Hello? Oh, yes.
How are you? It's Ethel's Aunt Martha.
Oh, uh Well, just a minute.
How tall are you? Well, yes, he fits in it.
Fits in what? Oh? Oh.
Well, uh, we don't know the exact date, but it's gonna be much sooner than they expected.
Yes.
Well, we'll let you know.
All right.
Good-bye.
How do you like that?! What? Aunt Martha wanted to know how tall you were so she could tell if Uncle Elmo would fit into our bathtub.
Huh? The Mertzes have already rented this apartment to them.
Well, I'll be darned.
They knew what they were doing right along.
They had already rented this place! How do you like that? Iy mira que creyendo lo que fuera mejor amigo mio! Yeah.
Oh, come on, Ethel, snap out of it.
We did what we had to do and that's that.
(ringing) Hello.
Yes, this is Mrs.
Mertz.
Mrs.
Skyler? Uh, yes, the Ricardos have lived in our building for 15 years.
Yes, they've been very good tenants.
Oh, she did?! Oh, it is? Yes.
Yes, I can recommend them very highly.
You're welcome.
Well! Who was that? That was a Mrs.
Skyler, the manager of a Park Avenue apartment building.
What did she want? Lucy was over there today looking at an apartment.
What?! Oh, boy they planned to move out all the time.
They just pretended they didn't want to leave here.
Those dirty double-crossers.
I ought to go right over there and blacken one of those bugged-out eyes of Ricky's.
Let's go over there tell them what we really think of them.
Come on.
Hi.
That agent.
Say, I'm glad I bumped into you two.
I was just on my way over to the Ricardos'.
Ed Warren says it's fine to do the show from here.
From this crummy joint? Well, now, please, I apologize for that.
Now, we have a new angle.
Instead of Ricky living in a fancy apartment, we're gonna show how success hasn't changed him- how even though he's a big star, he refuses to move from his simple and comfortable, old apartment- and his two best friends, the Mertzes.
You're both gonna be on the show with him.
That's all very interesting.
It's at 8:00 tomorrow night.
The only reason we got on is 'cause somebody canceled.
Well, thank you very much, Mr.
Clark, but I wouldn't be on a show with them.
Now just a minute, Ethel.
You tell the Ricardos we'll do it.
Okay.
Fred, what's the matter with you? What's the matter with you? How many chances do we get to be on Face to Face? Besides, who am I to deny 50 million people the opportunity of seeing Fred Mertz? And his wife.
Well And what about the advertising for the building? I bet we could get double rentals for every apartment in the house.
Fred, I'll say this for you: You never hold a grudge.
Thanks.
If there's money involved.
Nothing doing, Johnny.
We just don't want to do a television show with the Mertzes.
But, Ricky Look, if they want to go on television, let them go on with Aunt Martha and Uncle Elmo.
Yeah.
Aunt Martha and Uncle Elmo? What's that, a kid's show or something? Never mind.
We just don't want to do a television show with them.
But it's all set.
Ed Warren expects them on the show.
You've got to do it with them.
I don't got to do nothing! Now, listen, Ricky, I've got a lot of important people out there tomorrow night watching you.
Dick and Oscar- they want to hear you sing.
Ed Sullivan.
Well Look, honey, if it's important to your career, I guess we can stomach the Mertzes for half an hour.
After all, we never have to see them again once the show is over.
I guess you're right.
Good.
Then it's all settled.
I'll see you tomorrow night, Rick.
All right.
That a boy.
Now, don't be nervous, Ricky.
Just-just pretend like it's just any other night in your living room.
Well, hold on.
Hey, these, these chocolates, they look terrible.
I think the light is melting them.
I'd better go change them, huh? No, no, no.
We don't have time.
Nobody will see them.
I'd better get out of here.
I'll go over to the Mertzes and watch it on their TV set.
Okay.
Did you call us? No.
It isn't time.
Get back.
Get back.
Good luck, kids.
Good luck.
Are you nervous? No.
Oh.
Hello, Ed.
Honey, we're not on yet.
I know.
I'm just rehearsing.
Oh.
Oh oh, hi, Ed.
Mm.
Oh.
Oh, hello, Ed.
Oh.
Oh, Ed.
How are you? Five seconds.
Oh.
Lucy Hi, Ed! No, honey And here we go! ANNOUNCER: And here is Edward Warren.
Currently, making feminine hearts flutter all across the country is a charming Cuban named Ricky Ricardo.
He recently made his first Hollywood film and out there they are calling him a second Valentino.
Ricky lives with his charming, red-haired wife in this converted brownstone apartment house on East 68th Street.
Hello, Ricky.
Hello, Ed.
Ed, I'd like you to meet my wife, Lucy.
Oh hello, Ed.
Hello there, Lucy.
Ricky.
Yes, Ed? Ricky, now that you have made that picture, your career is really zooming, isn't it? Oh, yes.
It's been wonderful.
A lot of wonderful things have happened in the past few months.
How did you find Hollywood? Huh? I say, how did you find Hollywood? Oh, Hollywood was wonderful.
It was really great.
You know, I I'd been working in in nightclubs, you know, for the past few years.
It was different, you know, working without an audience.
Uh, Ricky, do you like working to an audience better? Well, I don't know if I like it better or not.
It's just that it's different, you know, and then, of course, when you when you go to the preview and and there it is, and there's nothing you can do about it, you know? I imagine I imagine that that preview was pretty exciting for everybody concerned.
How about that, Mrs.
Ricardo? (mumbling) What? (mumbling) I- I say I say, the preview must have been pretty exciting for everybody.
(mumbling) Yes, it was very exciting, Ed.
We can hardly wait for (mumbling): going to a preview.
We're very excited and we can hardly wait for the picture to open.
Neither can I.
Ricky, I understand that-that you have an unusual situation in that you are best friends with your landlords.
Oh, yes.
Fred and Ethel Mertz.
They're our very best friends.
Would you like to meet them? Yes, Ricky, I would.
All right.
I'll see if I can get them.
Fred and Eth! Ed, this is Fred and Ethel Mertz.
Hello, Ed.
I'm Ethel.
Hello, Ethel.
Hi there.
Hi there, all my pals out in Steubenville, Ohio.
Hi, you guys down in Joe and Bill's Barber Shop, hi.
Fred, Fred ain't this something? He's not used to these things.
Ricky.
Yes? I hope you won't mind my telling this, but I understand from your agent that he wanted you to move into a swanky penthouse, but you refused.
Oh, yes.
Yes.
We've lived here for 15 years and we wouldn't move for anything in the world.
(coughing) Anything wrong, Ethel? I found that hard to swallow.
Well, Fred, Fred Ricky's attitude must make you very happy.
It certainly does, and we hope they never leave.
That's wonderful.
He'd be a fool if he did.
He's getting reasonable rent and a wonderful apartment and plenty of service and- oh, by the way, if any of you folks out there need a good apartment, just give me a ring.
Ricky Ricky Yes, Ed? How about a song? Oh, I'd like Sure, very happy to.
It's right back there.
All right.
If my friends here would help me out with it we'd like to do it like we do in our pleasant musical evenings at home.
You ready? Oh, yes.
Yes.
We'll do "Rancho Grande.
" Here we go.
(playing guitar) Alla en el rancho grande Alla donde vivia Yeeha! Ooh-hoo! Yeeha! Pretty sneaky advertising on Ricky's program.
Habia una rancherita que alegre me decia Que alegre me decia Yoo-hoo! Yeeha! We know you were going to move.
(loudly): Te voy hacer tus calzones Yeeha! Comos lo que usa el ranchero We weren't planning to move.
Yeah.
Te los comienzo de lana Mrs.
Skyler called.
(loudly): Te los acabo de cuero We weren't serious about moving.
Not much.
She wasn't! Ha! What do you mean, "ha"? Just what I said- ha! Aunt Martha called.
We found out the apartment was rented right from under us! I didn't call Aunt Martha until you said you were leaving.
Vienen aqui, estan preteniendo She said she didn't call Aunt Martha until we said we were leaving.
Didn't you want us to leave? No, we didn't want you to leave.
We don't ever want you to leave here.
Well, honey, we didn't want to leave, either.
I wouldn't be happy with anybody else.
Lucy Lucy Oh, oh, Ethel (clamoring) Oh, Ricky Ricky Rick Oh, oh, Fred I don't want to go anyplace.
Fred Lu Lucy Fred RICKY: I want to be here for the rest of my life.
Good night and good luck.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: The part of Ed Warren was played by Elliot Reid.
Johnny Clark was played by John Gallaudet, and the director was Monty Masters.
"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.