I Love Lucy (1951) s05e11 Episode Script

The Passports

Hi, Lucy.
What are you doing? Hi.
Ethel, I have a schedule of all the places the band's gonna play in Europe.
Really? Our whole itinerary.
Yeah? Listen to this: London, (gasps) Paris, Venice, Holland the Riviera, Oh! Madrid.
Oh, my! I can't believe we're really going.
Neither can I, but we're practically on our way.
Mother said she'd stay with the baby while we were gone.
Oh, aren't mothers wonderful? Aw, they sure are.
She's taking an auto trip to New England with a chum of hers, but she said she'd be here the day before we leave.
She's so cute.
She said they had no idea where they were going, but when they came to an intersection, they were just gonna flip a coin.
Ah, your mother.
The coin won't be the only thing in that car that's flipped.
Ricky home yet? Not yet, no.
What's that? Fred! What are you doing with our old vaudeville trunk? Well, as long as I'm Ricky's band manager, it's my job to save him some money.
So, I thought we could pack some of the band uniforms in here.
Oh, but it's so old and beat-up, and it's even got a hole in it! "And it's even got a hole in it!" I defy anyone to find that hole with the naked eye.
I said the naked eye, not two bony fingers.
If Ricky wants to use this, I'll patch it up again.
How'd that hole get in there anyway? Oh, he bought it from a man who had a seal act.
LUCY: Oh, fine.
Hey, Fred, here's the schedule for Europe.
First we go to London, then Paris Ah, Paris.
Get ready, you cute mademoiselles.
Corporal Mertz is gonna make his triumphant return.
Fred, you were there 35 years ago.
Yes, but I left a lasting impression.
By the way, where's that old uniform of mine? Now, you're not gonna try to put that old thing on.
I just want to see it; it's full of memories.
Hi, everybody.
I got the boat tickets.
Oh, no kidding! The boat tickets! Now, all we got to do tomorrow is get our pass-a-ports.
Yeah, that's all we got to do now is get our "pass-a-ports.
" Europe, here we come! Look out, Mademoiselle from Armentieres! Honey, did you get my naturalization papers? Yeah, I got them out of the safe deposit box this morning.
How about your birth certificate? I wired the Jamestown Hall of Records, and they'll send it to me.
I got mine.
Ethel? Yep.
I had to hunt for it, but I finally found it.
Show it to them, honey.
She doesn't want us to see the year.
Put your finger over the year.
Thought they might like to see what Lincoln's signature looks like.
Oh, Fred! (phone ringing) Ha, ha! He-he-he-hee.
The phone, honey.
Hello Hey, what's that trunk? Oh, that's my old vaudeville trunk.
I thought we could pack the band uniforms in there.
Hello? Yes? Oh, uh, just a minute, please.
Honey, it's a collect call for you from Jamestown Hall of Records.
Oh, must be about my birth certificate.
Hello? Yes, I'll take the call.
Hello? But there must be some mistake.
Well, my maiden name was Lucille McGillicuddy and I was born in Jamestown.
Well, I'm positive.
Well, I don't understand.
Oh, well, you misunderstood me.
Yes, you're looking under the wrong year.
Oh, yes, I was born in 19 I was born in 19 (mumbling) (muffled): 19 Look, you know the year you just mentioned? Well, it's three more years than that.
No, no, no, not backwards, forwards.
Yeah, I'll hang on.
They were looking under the wrong year.
Really, honey? What year were they looking under? Oh, no, you don't.
Yes? But there must be some mistake.
Well, I All right.
Thank you.
How do you like that? What's the matter, honey? They can't find my birth certificate.
There's no record.
Oh, there must be.
Well, there isn't.
If I'd known Jamestown was gonna be that careless, I'd have been born somewhere else.
Well, honey, you-you-you need your birth certificate if you want to get a passport.
Well, what do you want me to do? They never heard of me.
Maybe you were never born.
I was, too.
ETHEL: Now, Fred.
I was only kidding her.
'Course you were born.
Well, you know it and I know it, but as far as Jamestown is concerned, the stork just dropped me and didn't tell anybody.
Now, look, honey, why don't you call your mother and ask her about it? (wailing) What's the matter? I don't know where my mother is.
The whole family's disappearing right in front of our eyes.
Well, mother is on an auto trip up in New England or someplace.
She won't be here until the day before you leave.
I'm not going to get to go to Europe at all! Now, honey, let me see.
I'll call the pass-a-port office.
I got their number right here.
Bon voyage, everybody.
Now, now, Lucy, it can't be that bad.
You don't know what it's like to be born a missing person.
Hello? Pass-a-port office? Look.
I'd like some information, please.
If you want to get a pass-a-port and you can't find your bir' certificate, what do you do? Pass-a-port.
Bir' certificate.
Yes, yes, that's right.
What is it? You get an affidavit from an older living blood relative.
Suppose you misplace your older living blood relative? Well, you don't know this family.
Oh? I see.
Oh, thank you very much.
Honey, all you got to is find two old friends of your family that remember who you were born and get an affidavit from them.
Oh, that'll be easy.
I do know a lot of people in Jamestown.
No, no.
Wait a minute now.
That name sounded familiar.
You still on the phone? Who are you talking to? The Jamestown Hall of Records.
Did you say Paul Jones? No.
Richard Jones? No.
Robert A.
Jones? Bob Jones, Bob Jones.
What are they doing, reading you the whole directory? Yes.
What?! Ah, uh, Mrs.
Mell, I'll call you back.
You scared me.
Are you crazy or something? That'll cost a fortune.
Well, I'm desperate.
I can't find a soul in Jamestown that knew me when I was born.
Now, look, honey, wasn't there a doctor there when you were born? Yes.
I called Dr.
Peterson, but he's visiting here in New York.
His daughter said she tried to get in touch with him and have him call.
Well, there you are.
No, there I'm not.
Even if he does call- there is a very good chance that he won't- I still need one more witness.
Well, you'll think of somebody, don't worry.
If I could just think of Helen Erickson's second husband's name.
Helen Erickson? Yeah.
You don't know her.
She's a girl who used to live next door to us.
She used to baby-sit me when my folks wanted to go out.
Well Darn it.
She lives here in New York now, too.
Well, I got to go to the club, honey.
I'll see you later.
Her first husband's name was Sears.
You don't suppose her second husband's name could be No, I guess that's impossible.
Hi, Rick.
Lucy, has Fred been over here? No.
Wonder where he is.
Well, did you get your witnesses? No.
FRED: Parlez-vous Mad'moiselle from Armentieres Parlez-vous Mad'moiselle from Armentieres She ain't been kissed in 40 years Hinky-dinky parlez-vous.
Fred, what are you doing in that? I'm getting ready to burst upon Gay Paree.
Well, that's sure the outfit for it.
So it needs a little letting out here and there.
Now, don't make fun of us doughboys.
Dough boys?! Whoever put the dough in that boy used too much yeast.
It's a good thing that Kaiser didn't see you in that outfit.
He never would have surrendered.
FRED: Is that so? Let me tell you what That's it! That's what? That's Helen's last name- Kaiser.
Helen married Sidney Kaiser.
What are you talking about? Helen Kaiser is a girl who knew me when I was a baby.
She can sign one of the affidavits.
Oh, that's great.
Okay, Corporal, back to your barracks.
Hut, two, three, four! Hut, two, three, four! Hut, two, three, four! Mad'moiselle from Armentieres Parlez-vous Mad'moiselle from Armentieres Parlez-vous Honey, you think she'll remember you? Sure.
She was like a sister to me.
(contented sigh): Oh Hello? I'd like to speak to Helen Kaiser, please.
Oh, hi, Helen! This is Lucy Ricardo I mean, Lucille McGillicuddy from Jamestown.
Lucille McGillicuddy.
Used to live next door to you? Well, Helen, do you remember a little skinny girl with freckles and red hair? Well, do you remember a little skinny girl with freckles and brown hair? Well, you used to kid me about my bloomers.
They were alway Yes! This is Droopy Drawers! Hi! Yeah, yeah, it's been a long time, hasn't it? Well, I'll tell you why I called, Helen.
You see we're going to Europe and I can't find my birth certificate, so I have to have someone sign an affidavit saying they knew when and where I was born.
Would you, Helen? Oh, I'd appreciate it so much.
Could I come over now? Oh, thank you.
Okay, bye.
She's gonna do it.
I'm halfway to Europe.
Oh, honey, that's wonderful.
Listen, I'll be gone about an hour.
Will you stay here until I get back? Why? The baby's in nursery school, isn't he? In case Dr.
Peterson calls.
I don't want to miss him.
Oh, okay.
Good luck, Droopy Drawers.
Oh, come now! Helen! Droopy Drawers! (laughing) Oh, it's so good to see you.
You haven't changed a bit.
Neither have you (laughing): Well Ah, yeah, I know.
There have been a few color changes here and there, and I'm wearing better-fitting bloomers.
(laughing) Oh, what a lovely apartment.
Oh, thank you.
You know, Lucy, ever since you called, I've been thinking about the old days when we used to live in Jamestown.
Those were the days, weren't they? Yeah.
Lucy, do you remember the time your baby buggy got away from me? No.
Well well, you were only about a year old.
Oh, well, I guess that's why I don't remember it.
(laughing) Well, anyway, I was pushing your buggy, and I stopped for a minute to go into a candy store.
And when I came out, the buggy had rolled all the way down the hill and was out in the middle of the street stopping traffic! Oh, no! It's a wonder we ever grew up, isn't it? Yes.
Well, Helen, I'd just love to sit here all afternoon talking over old times with you, but I guess we'd better get this affidavit signed.
Oh, it's okay.
I typed it all up, and it just says that you knew my family for ages and ages and you remember when I was born.
Oh, good.
And you sign on the bottom line there.
Oh, fine.
I have a pen Oh, good.
right here.
LUCY: There you are.
Hi, honey.
Oh! Hello, Sidney.
Oh Hey SIDNEY: Mmm Darling, I want you to meet an old friend of mine, Lucy Ricardo.
This is Sidney.
Hello, Sidney.
Very nice to meet you.
Nice to know you, Lucy.
Lucy and I grew up together in Jamestown, and she came over to have me sign an affidavit for her.
Yes, I'm going to Europe.
Well, it's the silliest thing.
For some reason or other, there is just no record of my being born in Jamestown, so I can't get my birth certificate.
So, I have to have Helen swear that she remembers when I was born so I can get my passport.
You sign on the bottom line there, dear.
Well, now, wait a minute, Helen.
You can't sign an affidavit just like that.
Well, why not? Yeah, why not? Well, an affidavit is sworn testimony.
It's it's testimony taken under oath.
That'd have to be witnessed by a notary public.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Well, I'll go get a notary public.
Oh, no, no, no, that won't be necessary.
Helen and I can take it down to my office.
We'll have it notarized tomorrow and mail it to you.
Yeah, Sidney is an attorney.
Well, how convenient having one right in the family! They sure come in handy, don't they? Honey? Yes? You can't sign this at all.
I can't? Says here, Lucy, you were born in That's right.
(chuckling): Ah, honey, you always were poor in arithmetic.
How old are you? (Sidney chuckling) You'd have to have a pretty good memory.
You weren't even born until 1927.
Oh, that's right! But, Helen Oh, I thought that said 1931.
Helen? Yes, dear? I I don't want to contradict you in front of Sidney, and I don't know how you did it if you were just born 29 years ago, but you were there when I was born.
Lucy, that's impossible.
But, uh, well, what about the baby buggy? Who was pushing whom? Oh, oh, Daddy, you know, Lucy was a regular little mother.
She used to push me around when (with baby talk): She pushed me around when I was just a eensy-weensy little baby in a buggy.
Ew! Well, Lucy, it must be great for you two to see each other again.
Tell me, has Helen changed much since she was a little child? Not a bit.
She just never seems to get any older.
I know what you mean.
Ever since we've been married, she seems to be growing younger every day.
Yeah, I guess it's the marriage that did it.
You've no idea how much younger she's grown just since you walked into the room.
Lucy, we don't want to keep you.
If you want to run along Look, Helen, I really need this affidavit.
So, don't you think maybe you could sign it just for the sake of all those years that I baby-sat with you? But that'd be perjury.
Lucy, you wouldn't want Helen to lie, would you? Oh, heaven forbid! Lucy, I hope you have a nice time in Europe.
It was awfully nice to have met you, Lucy.
And maybe we'll see you soon? Oh, yes, you must come over for dinner sometime and bring your mother.
Hi, honey, Dr.
Peterson called, and he's coming right over.
What's the matter? I'll still need another witness.
Why? What happened with Helen Kaiser? Helen Kaiser is a dirty rat.
She wouldn't sign the affidavit.
Her husband walked into the room and suddenly she became younger than I am.
She wouldn't admit her real age.
You're kidding.
How do you like that? Oh, dear.
What are you gonna do now? Well, I'll tell you one thing I'm not going to do.
I'm not going to let you three trot off to Europe without me even if I have to stowaway.
Oh, Lucy You know, this is about the right size at that.
Oh, now, Lucy, not in that trunk! Why not? Well, how could you breathe? There's a hole in it.
Yes, and it matches the one in your head.
Listen, if a seal could live in here, I can.
Oh, dear.
I'm just gonna try it on for size.
Oh, Lucy, this is absolutely ridiculous! It's a nice thing to sort of have around in case I can't get Oh, honey Now! I'm just gonna see if I fit in here.
See? I fit like a glove.
Yeah, but if the trunk was closed, you wouldn't last two minutes.
Oh, I would, too.
Go ahead, close it.
I'll show you.
Okay, but just to convince you.
Ethel, now, let me get my skirt out of the way.
Got it? Yep.
How's that? (Lucy imitating seal barking) Oh, come on now, it's awful, isn't it? No, it's very cozy in here.
It is! It's quite comfortable.
We should all go to Europe this way and save the fare.
Sure, if you could get a whole bunch of Ethel, let me out of here.
I thought so.
Hey, it's locked.
Wasn't there a key? Sure, there's a key.
I got it.
I got it?! Oh, now, don't get nervous, honey.
Just poke it out through the hole and get you right out of there.
Oh, okay.
Oh! What's the matter? Ethel, th-the key's in my pocket and I can't move my arms! What?! My arms are pinned down to my side! Oh, Lucy, only you would get yourself locked in a trunk with the key in your pocket.
Oh, well, don't scold me.
I got to get out of here.
I don't want Ricky to come over and find out that I planned to stowaway.
Go get Fred.
Okay, honey.
Hurry up.
All right, I'll hurry.
Now you wait right there! All right, I'll do that! Oh, uh (shouting): Hello, Ricky! Hi, Ethel.
What's the matter? Oh, uh, uh, uh you just startled me, that's all.
Where's Lucy? (stammering): Uh, uh, uh Why? Well, I'm married to her and I live here.
When I come home, I like to know where she is, you know.
Oh, of course you do.
Well, you know Lucy.
She's just liable to be anywhere.
(forced laughter) ?Que pasa con ella? I don't know.
Oye quiero ensenar la parte otra mas del drum.
You need the music? No, no.
No? La la parte es del final La parte, si.
La parte.
All right.
All right.
Hey, I'll try here on this thing.
Go ahead.
(playing upbeat music) That's good.
Now let's do double tempo here, you know.
Double tempo, huh.
Double tempo.
That's good.
Now the very end of that.
(imitating rapid drumbeat) You know? Here we go.
(playing up-tempo music) Hey, hey, hey, hey! Now, that's the tempo we should do.
How's that? Hey, this trunk has a pretty good tone.
Bueno Desi que yo tengo que ir.
?Tiene que ir? Va entrar el tiempo Well, yo voy contigo ahi al subway.
Tengo que comprar un evening paper.
Oh, I thought they'd never leave.
Lucy, I can't find Fred anywhere.
Lucy? Lucy, are you all right? Somebody talking to me? Are you all right? Huh? Are you all right? I can't hear a thing.
Ricky just beat out a concerto for piano and trunk.
Oh, I heard it, you poor little thing.
(Doorbell buzzing) Don't bother.
I'll get it.
Yes? Lucille McGillicuddy! My gosh, I'd know you anywhere.
Oh, no, I'm not Lucille.
I'm Ethel Mertz.
(chuckling): Oh, I don't have my glasses on.
Oh, you must be Dr.
Hello, Doc.
(gasps) Who said that? Lucy.
She's in the trunk.
Oh, hello, hello.
Ethel, go get a notary public.
Where'll I get a notary public? At the bank.
I couldn't sign anything until I'm sure that she's really Lucille McGillicuddy.
Oh, no, I am, Dr.
I am.
I'm Lucille McGillicuddy.
Well, I don't know.
Uh, I thought she was you at first.
Oh, no, now, you could see her.
There's a hole right there in the trunk.
You look right through there, you can see that that's Lucy.
Well, I'll take a look.
I can't tell a thing.
Oh, now, wait a minute, Doc.
Wait a minute.
Here's one of my eyes.
Here's my other eye.
Here's my nose.
Here's my mouth.
Put them all together and they spell Lucille McGillicuddy.
All that is is an eye, an eye, a nose and a mouth.
I've seen so many.
Oh Well, I know.
Listen, Doc, I-I was bitten by a cat once on my ear and-and you took some stitches in it, remember? Oh, yep, yep, yep, yep, that I remember.
It was Fred Bigelow's cat.
Yeah, that's right.
Well, look, maybe you can see the scar.
Ah wait a minute.
Scar or no scar, you couldn't be Lucille McGillicuddy.
She had brown hair.
Look at the roots- the roots! Oh, never mind, Ethel.
It's no use.
I'm never gonna get out of this trunk as long as I live.
(crying) Don't cry, honey.
It won't do any good.
Goodness, no, don't cry.
Ethel, I need a handkerchief.
Oh, all right, honey.
(wailing) Aw, let me have your nose.
Thank you.
Well, now, will you please go get Fred? Well, I'll try to find him again.
I'll be right back, Dr.
Hurry up.
Hey, young lady? I just remembered What? how you can absolutely identify yourself for me.
How? Well, when you was a little girl, I taught you a song we sang together.
Do you remember? Yes.
Yes, I do! Well, if you can sing that song all the way through with me, like you used to, you must be Lucille McGillicuddy.
Oh, I-I-I can.
Just let me think a minute.
Oh um uh Oh, yeah.
Uh (clears throat) Flies in the buttermilk, shoo, fly, shoo Flies in the buttermilk shoo, fly, shoo Skip to the Lou Lou, my darling My darling Flies in the sugar bowl, shoo, fly, shoo Skip to my Lou, my darling! (scatting) LUCY AND PETERSON: Skip to my Lou, my darling! I got a red bird, a pretty one, too LUCY AND PETERSON: Skip to my Lou, my darling! (scatting) What's going on here? I'm locked in the trunk, honey.
This is Dr.
Peterson from Jamestown.
How do how do you do? How do you do? I'm the doctor who brought your wife into the world.
Oh, you are.
Well, I don't know whether to thank you or punch you in the nose.
Lucy, what are you doing in that trunk? Oh, just packing a few things.
ETHEL: Come on, Fred, hurry up.
She's been in here so long, I got Fred, hurry up.
Fred, hurry up.
Well, now, wait a minute.
What do you mean, wait a minute? Well, maybe we can do this without damaging the trunk.
ETHEL: Oh, Ricky, help him.
She was in there when you were beating on the top.
Oh, hurry up.
Wait a minute.
Hurry up.
Look out for your hand, Fred.
Is it coming? Is it coming? Yes.
ETHEL: Oh, are you all right, honey? Are you all right? There you go.
Got it.
RICKY: Okay.
There you go.
Oh, honey! Are you all right? Oh, was it awful? Well, it's a nice place to visit- I wouldn't want to live there.
Hiya, Doc.
Lucy McGillicuddy! I thought you'd be bigger by now.
RICKY: Will somebody mind telling me what's going on here? Why? You'll never believe it.
Well, now I Whoa.
Thanks, Doc.
I, uh I just figured maybe I'd have to stowaway if I want to get to Europe, and I I knew that a seal could live in there, so I supposed maybe I could, and when I tried it on for size, I got locked in it.
What makes you think I wouldn't believe that? Oh, Doc, have you any idea why there is no record of my being born in Jamestown? Jamestown? You weren't born in Jamestown.
What? You were born in West Jamestown.
(doorbell buzzing) Oh West Jamestown! West Jamestown! Oh, for heaven's sake.
You don't know what I've gone through.
I didn't even know there was a West Jamestown.
Honey, it's a special delivery letter there for you.
H- Honestly, Doc, you don't know How do you like that? what we've gone through.
We've been calling the Hall of Records for one solid Oh, it's from Mother.
What'd she say? "We had car trouble and got stuck overnight "in West Jamestown, so I picked this up.
Hope you can use it.
" What is it? My birth certificate! Oh Oh! Oh West Jamestown.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: Dr.
Peterson was played by Sam Hearn, Helen Kaiser was played by Sheila Bromley and Sidney Kaiser by Robert Forrest.
I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.