I Love Lucy (1951) s05e12 Episode Script

Staten Island Ferry

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: And now, "I Love Lucy.
" (applause) (theme song fading out) Yes, Marion, we're taking off for Europe next week.
Well, I'm so excited, I can hardly stand it.
Oui, oui! That's French, you know.
Yes, yes, we're all studying different languages, so we can act as guides in different countries.
Uh-huh, I'm taking French and Fred's studying German and Ethel's learning how to speak Italian.
Ricky? Oh, he's learning how to speak English.
Ha, ha, ha! No, he's going to take over when we get to Spain.
Well, now, au revoir, Madame Van Vlack.
A bientot.
That means "good-bye, I'll see you later.
" Okay, ooh-la-la, Marion.
Love to Norma.
Oh, I'm not going to argue with you any longer.
You're acting just like a child.
I don't care how I'm acting; It's the truth.
Uh bonjour, Mama.
Bonjour, Papa.
Mama? Papa? Well, I haven't learned how to say "Fred" and "Ethel" in French.
How do you say "seasick" in French? Oh, will you stop harping on that.
LUCY: What's wrong? He's afraid he's gonna get seasick on the boat.
Oh, Fred, that's silly.
It is not.
You were on a boat when you went to France during the First World War, weren't you? Yeah, but believe me, it wasn't my idea.
And you came back on a boat, too, didn't you? Only because my top sergeant had a bayonet in my back.
Oh, Fred.
Look, it's different nowadays on these big ocean liners.
It's so smooth, you don't even feel a ripple, and, remember, we're going on the Constitution, one of the best.
It's all in your mind.
Just don't think about it.
You'll be all right.
Well This is a terrible time to get a case of jitters.
We've made all the arrangements.
We've sat for our passport photos.
We've had our overseas shots.
Okay, okay.
But I still wish there was a way of getting to Europe by bus! Fred, don't forget we're depending on you to be our guide in Germany.
Have you been studying your German? Ja wohl, fraulein.
Hey, that's wonderful.
Giemen a sie, me a ein stein Wurzburger.
Oh, great! What does that mean? What do you think it means? "Give me a glass of beer.
" Is that all he's learned? Nope.
He's learned how to order nine different kinds of beer.
Oh, we're gonna have an interesting time in Germany.
Never mind, now.
You're not doing so hot with your Italian.
Is that so? By the time we get to Italy, you won't be able to tell me from Gina Lollobrigida.
Well, gieben sie me a Gina Lollobrigida.
Oh, shuttenze up.
How are you doing with your French, honey? Fine.
I've mastered the two most important sentences in the language.
What were they? "How much is that dress in the window?" And "Wrap it up.
I'll take it.
" Well, I have a feeling that Ricky will know the French for "Take it back.
It's too expensive.
" Yeah.
I'll bet he does.
Hi, Honey.
Hello, Rick.
Hey, I got our pass-a-port pictures.
Oh, passport pictures! Let me Let's see mine.
see 'em.
Look pretty good.
Every one except mine.
Yeah? Let me see yours, hon.
Hey, that's pretty good of you.
That's you.
Me? Here, oh, oh, look, this is you.
I got them all mixed up.
Give me me.
Here, honey, this is you.
I guess this is yours.
(screaming) (screaming) I look like Frankenstein.
Well, shake hands with your bride.
Let me see that one of you.
Hey, that looks more like me than the one of me does.
You want to trade? Fred, let me see yours.
I don't think that's very bad, do you? No, that's not so bad.
That's very realistic.
I look like a fist with eyes.
You're the one that got the good one.
Mm Yeah, that's not bad, Ethel.
I think he's captured the real you.
Is that so? If I thought I really looked like this, I wouldn't blame Fred if he walked out on me right this minute.
Good-bye! Come back here.
Let me see yours, Ricky.
Oh, it's terrible.
Oh, I think that's pretty cute.
Honey, that's good.
I look all right, but my hair looks so funny.
What's the matter with it? I look like I had a head full of chocolate fudge.
(chuckling): Chocolate fudge.
Well, now that we've all looked at each other's pictures Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
Come on now, come on.
Yeah, let's see yours.
Oh, now, you don't want to see them.
Come on now.
(sighing) Why, honey, I think that's pretty cute.
That's not bad.
Oh, it's terrible.
Looks like my face was put on hot and it ran.
Well, that's the way the pictures came out.
So what are you going to do about it? I know what I'm going to do.
I'm going to find another photographer and have some more pictures made right now.
So am I.
I'll go put on a new face.
Just a minute.
You mean you've had a new face at home all this time and you're still wearing that one? Oh, Fred! Hey, listen.
We really should go and get our pass-a-ports this morning.
Well, you and Fred go.
We want to get some decent pictures.
Well And, honey, don't worry about the baby.
I'm gonna leave him at nursery school all day.
All right.
I'll see you later.
Feminine vanity.
What's the difference what your pass-a-port picture looks like? I'm gonna use this thing right here.
Let me see.
I think I'll use this, too.
(snickering) No, I guess I'd better use my own.
I look so much better than this picture, it'll give them a thrill just to see me in person.
(phone ringing) Hello? Oh, hello, Mr.
Yes well, we have to go down to the pass-a-port office.
That's down your way, so we'll stop by.
Sure, we'd love to see you.
Thank you.
That's Mr.
Emory of the American Export Line.
He wants us to go down to the boat, and he'll show us where the boys are gonna play and, uh, the accommodations and stuff.
Well, let's away! Okay.
Well, it's no use, Ethel.
Well, you'd think with your own photographer and 50 different poses apiece, we would have gotten at least one good picture.
I just don't understand it.
This is the same photographer that took our wedding pictures 15 years ago and we looked great.
Well, I guess they're just not making cameras like they used to.
Hey, I just had a horrible thought.
What? Maybe we really look like this.
Bite your tongue.
Well, what are we gonna do now? Well, either find another photographer or a plastic surgeon.
You'll be all right.
Don't worry.
LUCY: What's the matter with Fred? What's the matter with Fred, Ricky? What's the matter with him? Well I'll tell you what happened.
We went down to the SS Constitution.
Oh, no.
Now, Fred, don't tell me you got seasick.
It was 1918 all over again.
Well, honey, was it rough? Rough? The boat was tied to the dock.
It was absolutely still.
Fred, it's impossible to get seasick on a boat that is standing still.
Tell that to my stomach.
Well, Fred, if you're gonna get seasick on a boat that's tied to the dock, what are you gonna do when you get in the middle of the ocean? Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do: I'm not going.
Oh, Fred, you don't mean that.
Ethel, there's no way to get me on that boat.
Where can I buy a bayonet? Now, Fred, you'll be all right once we get underway.
I'm not going.
You've got to go.
You're the band manager.
I'm sorry, I get seasick.
If I miss this trip on account of you, I'll make you landsick.
What a horrible choice to have to make.
Now, look, what's the matter with everyone? What about those new, wonderful, seasick pills that they have now? ETHEL: Sure! They work great.
Well Oh, come on, Fred.
Say you'll go.
What have you got to lose? Don't ask me that right now.
Did you have to say that? No, Fred, really, those pills will work great.
Well, suppose they don't! Well, take some and try it.
Now, take some pills and go for a ride on the Staten Island Ferry.
Will you go with me? I'm not gonna face the raging seas of New York Harbor alone.
Sure I will, honey.
I'm gonna be busy this afternoon, but tomorrow morning, we'll get up Hey, listen, you got you-you This afternoon you gotta go get your passports.
We do? Yes.
We were just down there.
The man says that you had- this the last day if you want to be in time to sail.
What time does the office close? Oh, dear, I gotta go over and get Aunt Martha's luggage for the trip.
Lucy, will you baby-sit with Commodore Squeamish here on the Staten Island Ferry? Sure.
Okay, I'll see you at the passport office.
All right.
Come on, Fred.
Oh, Ethel! What? We don't have any decent pictures.
Hey, here's two good ones, right here.
How can you say these are good? Because either you use these, or you don't go.
Oh, well, by George, these are kind of good.
Oh, I must admit that one Oh, this is really good.
I'll see you at the passport office, honey.
Yeah, come on, Fred.
Come on.
Listen, you can buy those pills in any drugstore.
They'll work great.
Well, if they don't, you can wave good-bye to me now, because they'll never get me off of Staten Island.
Oh, Fred, you're gonna take those pills and you're gonna be all right.
You just relax now, Fred.
Those pills are gonna work great.
Yeah, you know, I think they've commenced to work already.
Really? Yeah.
I'm not seasick.
I'm not one bit seasick.
I feel great! I- I never felt better in my life.
I'm not seasick.
Okay, boy, okay, wait till the boat leaves.
(yawning) Gee, those pills sure relax you.
They do, huh? Yeah.
(steamship horn blaring) (engine roaring) You can let go now, Fred.
Fred, let go.
Come on, straighten up.
Take your hands off.
Relax, now, relax.
How do you feel? Oh, I feel fine.
Well, you don't look fine.
Come on, smile.
Aah, I don't want to jinx it.
Aw, come on.
Come on, boy, smile for me.
Attaboy, attaboy.
You're not gonna mind this trip at all.
(yawning) Gee, look at all those whitecaps out there.
Real wavy and choppy, isn't it? Yeah.
Up we go and down we go and up we go and down Gee, you feel fine, don't you, Fred? Yeah.
Up we go and down we go and You're not going to mind this trip at all, Fred? Nope.
All you have to do is take a big, deep breath of fresh air.
(taking deep breath) Nothing like the ocean air to pep you up and make you ship-shape.
Oh What's the matter? Nothing.
Now, you don't have to pretend with me.
I've been on the other side of that green face.
No, really, I I feel oh Oh, now, steady, honey, steady.
It's all in your mind.
Never mind your philosophy.
Just give me some of your pills.
(ragged breathing) I only took two of those.
Oh, I only took five or six.
This is an emergency.
Now, don't take any more.
They make you awful sleepy.
Yeah, well, I don't care what they do just so long as they settle Oh Hold on! Honey, steady, steady.
Hon Come on, honey, let's go over and sit down.
I think I'd better stay right over here.
Let's sit down.
Come on! There.
Don't you feel any better? Well, I don't feel any worse.
So, compared to the way I was feeling, I I'm feeling better, yeah.
Well, I-I guess I'm gonna get to make that trip to Europe after all.
Yeah, well, have a good time.
(snoring) (ferry horn blaring) (snoring) Yeah? Well, it's 4:15 already.
Hasn't Lucy even called? I haven't heard a word from her.
I can't even get my own passport.
Somebody has to identify me.
Look, I'll right come down there and identify you.
What do you think could have happened to Lucy and Fred? I don't know, unless the seasick pills didn't work and she can't get Fred off of Staten Island.
RICKY: Now, I'll be right down.
Okay, thanks.
Come on, sir.
You've got to wake up.
Wake up, sir.
Come on.
Up you go.
Huh? Huh? Wake up.
Ethel, all right, all right.
All right, Ethel, I'm awake! Come on, sir.
Huh? I am sorry, but you and your friend have got to get off.
Well, where are we? New York.
Well, we must have had a nice trip.
You had five nice trips.
What?! Yes.
I woke you up after the first trip, and you said you and your friend wanted to sleep.
Oh, boy, you must have really tied one on.
Now, wait a minute.
You never woke me up.
I did.
You gave me a dollar.
Well, the dollar's up- five trips.
Well, what time is it? Oh, it's about 4:22.
Holy cow! Lucy! Lucy, honey, you got to wake up.
Huh? You've got to wake up, honey right now.
Wake You've got to wake up, honey.
I You've got to wake up.
We gotta get off of this tub.
Huh? We gotta get your passport.
Passport? Yes.
If we don't get off of this boat, you'll never get to Paris.
Paris? Yeah.
Where are the dress shops? Down there! No, no, honey, this way.
This way.
That's right.
No, honey! No! That way.
That's right.
Back that way.
Honey, come here! No! This way! Now.
Now, straight ahead.
That's right.
That's right.
Well, madam, it looks like your friend didn't make it.
Oh, now, she'll make it.
We've still got eight minutes.
Seven minutes.
This office closes promptly at 5:00.
Oh, but we have to have our passports today.
Rules are rules.
Well, it wouldn't hurt you to stay open a few extra minutes, would it? When the 5:00 whistle blows, so do I.
I am not leaving this office until I get my passport.
This office closes at 5:00 if I have to eject you forcibly.
You just try it.
I'm a tax-paying citizen.
I'll report you to Washington, and then you see how long you hold this job.
This is a civil service job.
You want to get me fired, you'll have to wait till I die.
Ohh! Come on now, honey.
Where have you been? You know the office cl Fred, what's the matter with her? Well, she got seasick and took a mess of those pills and got a little drowsy.
A little drowsy? I was sleeping, too, and before we woke up, we'd been to Staten Island five times.
You see that clock? You've got exactly six minutes left.
Six minutes! Okay, okay.
Now, I've made up all the papers.
All she has to do is sign them and be sworn in.
And identify you.
I'll identify her.
I'm her husband.
Oh, that's too bad.
Well, you don't have to rub it in.
I mean, she can't be identified by a relative.
Oh, well, she'll identify me.
Well, madam, can you ident? Are we keeping her up? Lucy, Lucy, wake up.
I'm awake.
Lucy, come on now.
You have to wake up, honey.
Wake up! Wake up! Fred, sit down.
You're rocking the boat.
Can you identify this woman as Ethel Mertz? Yeah, that's Ethel.
Not me, honey, her.
Can you identify this woman? Oh, what woman? Oh, I'll get a little water.
She'll be all right.
She's taking a little nap.
Looks to me like she's taken a little nip.
Here you are, honey.
Oh, Fred, I'm sorry.
What did you do that for? Oh, I-I couldn't help it.
Lucy, come on now, wake up.
Wake up.
I got to get my passport.
Honey, you're here, right here now.
Come on now.
Madam, can you identify this woman as Ethel Mertz? Huh? Oh, hi, Ethel.
Oh, thank you, Lucy.
You got a passport photo? Yes, sir.
Now don't laugh.
Madam, I've been looking at at passport photos all my life.
There's never one that's made me Hee-hee-hee-hee.
(chuckling) Okay.
Okay, let's get on with it, shall we? Yeah, just sign your photo.
All right.
Now, do you solemnly swear that the statement made on your passport application is true, that the photograph attached to the likeness of you? Do you further solemnly swear that you will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic, that you will bear true faith and allegiance to the same, that you take this obligation freely without mental reservation or purpose of evasion, so help you.
If so, raise your right hand and say, "I do.
" I do.
(laughing): Now You'll have your passport in a week.
Now, what about her? Well, we haven't got time for her.
Oh, yes, we have.
We've got four-and-a-half minutes.
Come on, now, Lucy.
You'll have to wake up.
Come on, honey, come on.
Okay, let's go.
Do you identify this woman as Mrs.
Lucille Ricardo? Yes, I can, Your Honor.
Yes, sir.
You only have the oath left.
Oh, dear.
ETHEL: Okay.
Now you have to take Fred, where were you all afternoon? Well, Ricky, you see we-we got Luc honey? What's the matter with Lucy? She's asleep.
She got seasick and took too many of those pills.
I thought you were the one that got seasick.
What is she taking pills for? She made me look like Admiral Nimitz.
You have exactly four minutes left.
Oh, come on, honey.
Four minutes? All she has to do is just sign the papers.
All right.
Come on, honey.
Wake up, Lucy.
Honey, wake up.
(laughing giddily) (smacking lips) Yes, yes.
Give me the paper, honey.
It's all ready to sign.
All right, there you are now, honey.
Here, now, here you are, honey.
All you do is just Hi.
Just sign the paper, honey.
Just sign your pap No, no! Okay, just sign the paper, honey.
Come on.
Come on now.
Just sign your paper.
Oh, honey Oh, Lucy, no.
Honey, wait a minute, honey.
No, honey.
Here, I'd better get another pen.
Okay, she wants Later, dear, later, later.
Come on now.
Okay, now.
Get it right there.
I'll hold it.
There you go.
Sign your paper.
Oh, no! Oh, don't hurt mine! Lucy, look, sweetheart.
I'll hold your hand for you here.
I'll hold the paper.
Yeah, baby, come on.
Right here, honey.
Just sign it right there.
Sign your name like a good girl.
"Lucille Ricardo.
" There! There, oh! That's a good girl.
We got it.
Whoa! Lucy! Oh, Lucy! Oh, come on! Now for the oath.
All she has to do is to say "I do" after I finish.
You hear that, honey? All you have to do is say, "I do.
" Lucy, all you have to do is say, "I do.
" "I do.
" I now pronounce you man and wife.
Honey, come on.
Raise your right hand and say, "I do.
" You know, I think this woman's intoxicated.
Madam, do you drink? I do.
Oh, honey! Come on, Lucy.
Come on now.
Oh, we have oh, we've only got three more minutes.
Now, come on, straighten up.
Wake up.
All right, try again now.
Now, wait a minute, Ethel.
This is a very important piece of paper.
She can't take the oath being sleep.
Well, you can't wake her up.
We haven't got time.
Well, if we don't have time to wake her up, she's gonna have to stay home.
Lucy! You have to wake up, honey.
Try something out.
Let me wake you up.
Come on now.
Wake her up.
(muttering) Mmm Whoa! Honey (audience laughter drowning out dialogue) (Ethel and Ricky humming "Stars and Stripes Forever") She's coming to.
She's coming to right now.
Ah, you're coming to? You waking up, baby? Yeah? Oh, she looks fine, looks fine.
She's awake, Rick.
Come on.
Okay, honey.
Come on.
That's it.
See? Now we can "Do you solemnly swear that the statement "made on your passport applications are true, that the photograph attached to the likeness of you? "You further solemnly swear that you will support "and defend the Constitution of the United States "against all enemies, foreign and domestic, "that you will bear true faith and allegiance to the same, that you take this obligation freely without mental reservation or purpose of evasion, so help you.
If so, raise your right hand and say, "I do.
" I do.
Ohh! Good job! You did it! You made it! Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Oh, that was great, honey.
You did just fine now.
Come on.
This way, baby.
Yeah, come on, honey, now we got it all fixed up.
Everything is straightened out.
I never thought we had time to make it.
I didn't think we had time.
Everything's all right now.
ETHEL: Rick, you were just great.
It was just wonderful.
Hey! You can go now.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: The ferryboat officer was played by Stanley Farrar.
and the passport office clerk was played by Charles Lane.
"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at the same time.