I Love Lucy (1951) s05e23 Episode Script

Lucy's Italian Movie

"Lucy's Italian Movie" ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) (theme song ending) ANNOUNCER: And now, "I Love Lucy.
" (applause) Gee, these Italian trains sure are cramped.
Imagine one seat for four people.
Ethel, will you stop complaining? Well, it's true- they're not very roomy.
They're roomy enough.
It's just that you're roomier.
Oh Well, it's not so bad now that Lucy's not here.
Where'd she go? Just out to stretch her legs.
Honestly! What's the matter? There's a man out there leering at me.
He's a typical masher.
Lucy, why is it that every time you get on a train, you start imagining things? I am not imagining things.
I know a masher when I (gasps) There he is now.
Now, Ricky, don't lose your temper.
Why should I lose my temper? Aren't you going to beat him up? What for? "What for?" Oh, honey, calm down.
He didn't do anything.
Well he was thinking.
Where was I sitting? Right beside me.
Where? Gee, it was there a minute ago.
Come on, move over.
Shove over.
Get over, Fred.
Come on, get over.
I'll get over.
Let me get my dress.
Come on.
Such a train.
Fred, at what time do we get to Rome? Oh.
Well, that's only just about one more hour.
That won't be so bad in this torture.
Well, I mean, that-that's, uh What?! What?! You mean we have to sit like this all night? Well, it's only 13 more hours.
If I could only reach you, I'd punch you right in the nose.
Fred, why didn't you get us berths? Well, it's cheaper this way.
Oh, fine.
Well, as Ricky's band manager, it's my job To save money.
To save money.
I appreciate that, Fred, but you got to draw the line someplace.
Oh, we're lucky he hasn't got us hitchhiking.
Will you stop yapping? Oh, 13 more hours in this sardine can.
Sardines were better off.
They got all that oil to wiggle around in.
Well, let-let's try to get some sleep, huh? Sleep? (Fred snoring) (snoring) Oh, Lucy, it's no use.
We've got to have more room.
This is all Fred's fault.
Let him stand up.
(Fred snoring) Fred.
Wake up, sleeping beauty.
You couldn't wake him up with a stick of dynamite.
Hey, I got an idea.
Hey, look, there goes Gina Lollobrigida! Where? Where? (mocking laugh) Now, what's the big idea? Well, you got us into this.
You can just stand up.
Ethel, I'm not going to forget this.
Oh! What are you trying to do? Oh Honestly! Oh, honey, help me.
I can't move.
I'll help you.
Here, dear.
Oh, dear.
I may never play the violin again.
Where are we? Where are we? We're just pulling into the station.
Come on, Fred.
Help me with these bags.
Here, I'll take this one.
Oh, boy.
Give me that one.
Honey, there's that man again.
Yeah, he is looking kind of funny at you.
I told you he was a masher.
Is there anything I can do for you? Excuse me, signor.
I am afraid I have given the wrong impression.
Yeah, well! Allow me to introduce myself.
I am Vittorio Fellipi.
Vittorio Fellipi Yes.
Vittorio Fellipi I produce films here in Italy.
Oh, yeah.
Oh! Are you the Vittorio Fellipi? Yep.
Oh! I've seen all of your pictures in America, and they're just wonderful.
They're, they're, they're so realistic and earthy.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Well, we'd better introduce ourselves.
My name is Ricky Ricardo.
Ricky Ricardo, well! I read you were traveling in Europe.
Oh, you did.
How about that? That's nice.
He read it in a paper.
And this is, uh, this is my wife, Lucy.
How do you do? How do you do, madame? And Mrs.
How do you do? Hello.
How do you do, Mrs.
And Mr.
Glad to know you, sir.
How are you? Grazie.
I shouldn't have been staring at Mrs.
Oh, that's all right.
But you see, she happens to be just the type I need for a new picture.
Who, me? Yes.
Tell me, Mrs.
Ricardo, have you ever considered acting? ETHEL, RICKY AND FRED: Has she ever considered acting? Well uh (imitating Katharine Hepburn): The calla lilies are in bloom again.
Really, they are.
I mean (ITALIAN ACCENT): Oh, those calla lil- mama mia!- they got to be a-blooming.
Very nice, very nice, indeed.
Look, here, Mr.
Ricardo, here's my card.
If your charming wife would be interested in auditioning, call me, please but do it soon.
You see, we start production in a few days.
Oh, yeah.
It was very, very nice meeting all of you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Poor man.
What are you doing? I'm getting in the mood for my Italian picture debut.
Arrivederci, mi amore.
Oh, boy, Rome! Isn't it wonderful? Have you seen it? Seen what? The Colosseum! Oh, isn't it magnificent? Aah, it's nothing, Rick.
Nothing! Smaller than the Yankee Stadium.
Joe DiMaggio would have hit 80 home runs in that hat box.
Oh, what can I expect when I expose him to culture? (Ricky laughs) Come on, Lucy, take a look at it.
I saw it.
Listen, here's a big article about Vittorio Fellipi in here and-and pictures of some of the actresses he's discovered.
Aren't they earthy? Wow! Oh, I don't think those Italian actresses are so much.
Not one of them has got her hair combed.
Well, they look great to me.
Hmm, if I let my hair go like that, you'd never let me hear the end of it.
Honeybunch, if the rest of you looked like that, I wouldn't care if you were bald.
Oh, fine.
Ricky? Yeah, honey.
Do you like earthy women? What's earthy? That.
Well, we don't call that earthy in Cuba.
Oh? What do you call it? We have five words for it: Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay.
(chuckling) (knock on door) Come in.
The hangers you called for, signor.
Oh, yeah, yes.
Oh, uh Signor Bellboy.
Si, signora.
Would you, uh, translate this story for me on Vittorio Fellipi? I don't understand the Italian, you know.
Si, si, con piacere.
Uh, it says here: "Signor Vittorio Fellipi has announced "the starting date of his newest picture "which will be called, uh Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay! How about that? It's the same thing in Italy.
Scusi, signora.
The name of the picture will be Grappolo Pungente.
Grappolo what does that mean? It means "Bitter Grapes.
" "Bitter Grapes"? Si.
Oh, what else does it say? "The picture will be filmed in color and will be shot in and around Rome.
" Uh-huh.
Go on.
That's all there is.
E finito.
Well, thank you very much.
Belle bambine tutte queste, ma come sono belle! Bellissima.
Would you like to take the magazine with you? Oh, grazie.
You're welcome.
(Ricky laughing) Oh Gee, did you hear that, honey? It's going to be called Bitter Grapes.
I wonder what part they want me for.
Oh, you're probably going to be one of the bunch.
(laughs) Fred, that's funny.
Very funny.
Gee, I got to find out about the grape vineyards- how the workers act, what they do there.
Lucy There must be some grape vineyards near here someplace.
Lucy I bet I can learn all about them in a couple of hours.
Oh, no, you don't.
Why not? Look, honey, Italy has enough problems already.
I don't want to have to worry about you lousing up the entire grape industry.
Oh All I want to do is soak up a little local color so I'll know what I'm acting about.
What could possibly happen to me? Well, I could answer that, but we're only gonna be here ten days.
Oh Come on, Fred.
FRED: Okay.
Let's check the theater.
ETHEL: So long, Fred.
See you later.
No funny business- promise? All right, all right.
All right.
See you later.
Come on, Ethel, let's go.
Go where? To the grape vineyards! Where else? You promised Ricky you wouldn't.
I did not.
I promised him no funny business.
Soaking up local color for acting purposes happens to be a very serious business.
Oh, brother.
Besides, the only reason he doesn't want me to go is 'cause he doesn't want me to be in that picture.
Now, don't start that he-doesn't-want-me- in-show-business stuff.
Well, he doesn't.
How could I find out where the grape vineyards are? Just look in the yellow pages of the phone book.
Operator, would you ask the bellboy to come up to 605, please? Thank you.
I'll ask him where they are.
So, you find a vineyard.
What are you gonna do about the, uh, fact that you don't speak Italian? I know a few words.
When I don't know, I'll shrug.
How can you shrug a conversation? Ethel, you have been in Italy for a week.
Haven't you learned anything? What does this mean? It's wonderful? Right.
How about this? Who knows? Very good.
Uh Don't cut the spaghetti; wind it around the fork! (laughs) No.
What's this? Ooh, I give up.
What is it? Get me a large pizza.
(knock at door) Come in.
Si, signora, you sent for me? Yes.
I'd like a little information, please.
I'd like to know a little bit about the wine industry, how they make the wine, how they pick the grapes, and how they press the juice out with their feet.
Are there any grape vineyards around here? Well, uh, there's only one little town called Turo, where they still make wine like that, you know.
All other wineries are modern.
They use big machinery.
Oh, oh.
Well, where is this Turo? Oh, it's right on the outskirts of the city.
Oh, well, thank you very much.
Turo, Turo.
You want to come along? No, thanks.
What am I gonna tell Ricky when he asks where you are? Tell him anything you want.
I have nothing to hide.
Tell him the truth.
Okay, I'll tell him the truth.
Don't you dare! No, I won't.
All right.
Andiamo, andiamo! (chattering excitedly in Italian) (all talking over each other) Buon giorno, buon giorno.
(everyone speaking at once) No, e troppo caldo.
Allora, sta sera.
Magari, si.
Senti, senti.
(chattering in Italian) (lively chatter continues) Silenzio, silenzio! C'e tanto lavoro sta mattina.
Fatte silenzio, presto! In fila.
Rosa, Theresa.
(women chattering happily) (women grumbling and groaning) Aspetta, aspetta un momento.
Lei puo pigiare tanta uva.
Quanta sei bella! (grumbling) Thank you.
Andiamo, andiamo, andiamo.
Andiamo subito.
E che vuoi da me? Che vuoi, che hai visto? Vai al lavoro subito.
Vai a lavorare, cammina.
(man muttering in Italian) Eh, tu, vieni qua.
La raccolta e stata buona e noi due dobbiamo pigiare tutta questa uva.
Preghiamo che non stare qui fino sta notte.
Fa presto.
Eh, vieni dentro! (yelling in Italian) Lucy? Lucy? Oh, hi, Rick.
Is Lucy back yet? No, she's not here.
Well, good-bye, Rick.
Ethel! Come back here.
Where is Lucy? Lucy? Yeah.
Vittorio Fellipi called and he's coming over.
Where is she? Ethel, where did Lucy go? Where did Lucy go? Will you stop repeating everything I say? Where did she go? Well Ethel, did she go shopping? I promised not to tell.
Did she go around sucking up local color? "Sucking up lacal color?" No, I don't think so.
Ethel! Yes.
Mira que tiene cosa que se lo dice, lo repeti que no se metiera mas revoli aqui en italia.
Ricky, she only did it because you were trying to keep her out of that movie.
What do you mean keep her out of that movie? I just don't want her to go around and get herself into trouble again.
Really? Why would I ask Vittorio Fellipi to come over here if I didn't want her in the movie? Why, that's right.
Sure! Now, don't you worry about it, Ricky.
She just probably picked a few grapes and she's on her way home right now.
Yeah, well, I hope you're right.
Yeah, I'm sure of it.
No, I'm a-pooped.
Abbasta! Dai, lavora! Poverina, e che credi? Ti piglia la paga senza far nulla? Naah! Oh! (both yelling) Allora ci vogliamo divertire de vero, eh? E va bene, adesso.
I'm sorry, Signor Ricardo, I- I cannot wait any longer, really.
Oh, gee, that's too bad.
She's gonna be awful sorry that she missed you.
Oh, she's so anxious to be in your picture.
I'm sorry, but you see, I have to go back at the studio.
I'm late.
ETHEL: Well, just a few minutes longer.
Just I'm sure she'll No! Oh! Oh, Signor Fellipi.
How do you do? Oh, you'll have to excuse the way I look, but I've been working in the grape vineyards so I could get the proper atmosphere for working in your picture.
FRED: Boy, when it comes to soaking up local color, you don't mess around.
Lucy, why don't you go and wash that blue stuff off? I tried to.
It won't come off.
But, Mrs.
Ricardo, I'm afraid you misunderstood.
You see, Bitter Grapes is just a a symbolic title.
The picture has nothing to do with the grape industry.
And besides, you see, I had you in mind for a small part as a a typical American tourist visiting in Italy.
Oh, well, fine.
Oh, it isn't fine at all.
You see, we're shooting the scene tomorrow morning in color, and I couldn't take a chance that you would be back to normal by then.
Well well well, couldn't I be a typical American tourist who who was homesick for America and that's why I'm blue? Oh, no.
No, no, I'm sorry.
Well, could I be a a typical American tourist who fell in a wine vat? No.
Oh, please, I'll do anything.
I'll dye my hair.
I'll do anything.
Ricardo, please.
You know, the part isn't big enough to go through all that trouble, really.
Well, it's very nice of you to come over, Mr.
It was nice meeting you.
Thank you.
I'm awfully sorry, Mrs.
I'll shave my head.
I'll wear a mask.
Good-bye, Mr.
Good-bye, Mrs.
It was Just a minute.
Mertzer, would you be interested in playing that part? Would I! Good.
Oh! Then report tomorrow morning at my studio at 8:00.
You are a typical American tourist if I ever saw one.
Oh, thank you! Oh, thank you! Good-bye.
Yes, I always Oh, I'll be right there at 8:00.
Oh, imagine me in an Italian movie.
This is only the beginning.
I may end up being a star.
Arrivederci, mi amore.
Mi amore, arrivederci.
(mouthing words) (closing orchestral flourish playing) ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: Vittorio Philippi was played by Franco Corsaro, the bellboy was Saverio Lo Medico, the two women were Theresa Tirelli and Rosa Barbato and the boss was Ernesto Molinari.
"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.