I Rock (2010) s01e07 Episode Script


(GUITAR AMP HUMS) (POWER CHORD PLAYS) RADIO HOST: Welcome back to the Morning Asylum.
More nonstop Nickelback coming up next hour, but now it's Yankee Doodle Dave with the Eye in the Sky.
(MAN ON RADIO GIVES TRAFFIC REPORT) That's a troubled look if ever I saw one.
What do you do if you can't read the handwriting? Oh, that's shocking, isn't it? I'll tell you what you do with it.
You toss it in the bloody bin.
That's what.
(LAUGHS) We can't really, of course.
You'll need to file it in the Delivery Pending pigeonhole, wait 10 working days, see if someone claims it.
It looks like 'Greg' something.
We've got four Gregs on the first floor alone.
Why don't you just open it? (LAUGHS) That's exactly what we need in this place - a bit of generation Y humour.
(CHUCKLES) Look, there.
So, um, when am I gonna get to see this rock band of yours? I'm concentrating on solo stuff at the moment, so What? A modern-day Billy Joel, hey? Uh hmm, yeah.
I used to play a little bit myself, you know, back in the olden days.
More a kind of bush band sound.
Believe me, we had our fair share of late nights.
I'll bet.
(LAUGHS) Anyway, Billy, I think you're ready to go solo on another front - mail delivery.
Um RADIO HOST: rock with the Nickelback marathon.
Also next hour, the Secret Sound and call in with What Erks Your Jerk here on the Morning Asylum.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) Nice 'orifice'.
How do you win at capoeira anyway? Is it when the other guy gets dizzy and falls over or Shouldn't you be getting back to your trolley now? This job is pointless, man.
Haven't these people ever heard of email? You wanted a job, I got you a job.
If you don't like it, quit.
Don't tell me you're still pining for that slut.
I'm not.
(DROPS PICTURE) So what's the problem? (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ON HEADPHONES) SPARKADIA: If I never, ever see you again Would you take all that I said and believe it to be true? Would you choose to lose it all with no sense of consequence? Oh, the kiss of death is only but a breath away Hey there, my little mailman.
My feet are killing me.
The air conditioning at the place is totally drying out my skin.
(SCOFFS) For God's sake, it was your third day.
I told you - just think of it like a record deal, except you don't have to pay any of it back.
LUKE: Ha-ha! Office Nash.
You have a clip-on tie and mail-delivery action.
NASH: Better than plastering, whatever the hell that is.
It must be exciting getting a proper bedroom again.
And we get our lounge room back finally.
Look, can I leave the drums here just till the weekend? New place is a bit small.
Of course.
Don't worry.
(ALARM RINGS) Oh, my risotto! You're welcome to have some if you're hungry.
End of an era, hey, mate? Oh, well, at least we can say we gave it a shot.
I'm still giving it a shot - open mic, Roxbury, next Tuesday.
Ha, open mic! Fuck off.
Well, I'm glad we never fucked or this would be awkward.
And we'll jam sometime, yeah? Yeah.
I can't believe you guys actually rehearsed in here.
It's so tiny.
It was barely big enough for Akimbo.
Val came up with that name, didn't he? It's a shame you guys broke up, really.
You were pretty good.
Shut up.
(SCOFFS) I'm serious.
I have a talented girlfriend.
I'll start something else.
I'm just weighing up my options.
Just picking up a few sundry items.
Oh, oh, you fucking freak.
Sharing Jane's bed again.
How predictable.
Oh, you're just jealous she dumped you.
Correction - we simply grew apart, creatively, spiritually sexually.
Oh, so the rumours are true - you've slipped on the old corporate noose.
Yeah, well, it's like a record deal except better 'cause I don't have to pay any of it back.
Interesting interpretation.
You've had Mummy and Daddy paying your way since high school, man.
That's where my pyjamas went! A rich kid playing starving artist.
You're like Jarvis Cocker's girl from Greece.
That's why you've never created anything decent in your life.
On the contrary, I've recently completed a project I've been working on for some time.
I'm sure you'll see it before long.
Is this my copy of 'Swann's Way' or yours? (LAUGHS) Way to go, Piano Man.
Hey, rock star! Greg.
(SINGS) Come on, give it to me Yeah, give it to me! Checked out your MySpace.
Would love to come to your solo gig next week.
Oh, me too.
I haven't been to any live music since, like, Maroon 5 were in town.
Well, I can put you on the door if you like.
Yeah? For sure.
My details are jenc@burkeandlang.
(IMITATES TYRES SQUEALING) Call this work, do you? I'm on a break.
So guess what.
The 'gang' have asked me out for 'ambers'.
I told you, they're good people.
Jennifer's gonna be there.
She's clearly gagging for it.
You should have a crack.
Her fiancé works two floors down, so Anyway, I've made plans.
The only plans you ever have revolve around Skyping Abigail, and seeing as she's probably Skyping someone else by now, hard I've organised drinks with Luke and Comet.
What? Where? Well, Little Ponies are supporting Snob Scrilla at Why didn't anyone tell You hate hip-hop.
You do.
Oh, my God.
I know.
I was very dubious of Swedish flat-pack furniture myself until about an hour ago.
That's a lot of tea lights.
Well, we'll use them for parties and things.
I only went out there to get some plates and things, but everything was so cheap and clean and I swear, every time I turned a corner, there was something else that we kind of needed, so I'm still a working musician.
Where did the instruments go? Uh (GIGGLES) Jane.
Now that we're in my room, I thought this could be your creative space, and maybe mine from time to time.
Where did my bed go? Nash, I chucked it.
It was a biohazard.
But we should put some boy stuff in our room so that you feel more comfortable.
Um (SCOFFS) If you hate it, just tell me.
No, no, no.
It's it's cool.
It's really, really cool.
Oh, phew! (LAUGHS) Um, how about we get some capricciosa and a bit of plonk to celebrate my new-found allen key skills? I can't do it.
I kind of agreed to go to work drinks.
I'm actually running late already.
You know how we talked about me being more a part of the Burke and Lang team, fitting in, all that stuff.
I'll see you later.
(LITTLE PONIES PLAY 'HOUSE PARTY') CARA: Come over here We can blow balloons Making punch, making out like a left brain This little party's gonna start real soon.
This is our last song.
We've been Hannah the Hammer on drums.
And the lovely Comet on bass.
And you guys have been the best crowd ever! Don't listen to her.
She'll say anything to get people to like her.
(BAND PLAYS 'LIMITED INVITATION') Don't tell the minister Don't tell the Cara's a bitch, man.
How can she slag off her bandmates like that, let alone her girlfriend? Chill out, man.
She's just shit-stirring.
That's why she gets away with it.
Alright, who wants a drink? No, I gotta bail.
You want a lift, man? Are you serious? I get up in the dark these days.
It's not even 10:00! See you at work.
You guys are being fucking lame.
I'm not changing my whole life just 'cause I got a stupid job.
Call me a bitch, Boy Crazy breaking up is the best fucking thing to happen to music since Jeff Buckley went for a swim.
(PEOPLE LAUGH) Those songs with their lame sexual references? Nash thinks he's the next Angus Young, but he's about as dangerous as Neil Diamond.
He should join a boy band.
Oh, except he's not pretty enough.
(ALL LAUGH) MAN: That's pretty harsh, Cara.
But who's Neil Diamond? (SNOB SCRILLA SINGS) There I go again Every time they love me I break them in the end Nothing I can do about it So let's not pretend We both know I'll always be Heartbreak Scorsese I'll never change I'll never change I'll never change I'll never change I'll never change I'll never change I'll never change I'll never change I'll never change until the day that I die Oh! Oh, my God.
I didn't even know you were coming.
How could I miss a Little Ponies gig? This way, please.
How's the solo career going? Great, thank you.
Do you wanna come and live in the house we buy when we're rich and famous? Sure.
So far, it's me and Cara and Hannah and Melody, but boys are good too, so you and Luke and the lovely Jasper, of course.
And it's gonna have a big recording studio for us to play in.
And we can give each other musical advice and In one room, the whole floor is just gonna be a trampoline.
Have you got some advice for us, Nash? You don't need it, Cara.
You guys have really found your sound.
It's great.
It's good timing.
Like, the '80s are totally back in, so you can ride that wave for another couple of years.
Like, the thing is people say it's so easy just to churn out, like, beige electro-pop tracks, but it's a skill.
Nash, what's wrong? Mm, mm.
If I did have one piece of advice, it would be that your music's really repetitive and all your songs sound the same and it's got no heart.
But, you know, that's what fucking ecstasy is for, isn't it? And I'd tell you to stop slagging off your bandmates, except they seem to like it.
I need a beer.
You can't just talk shit about my band and walk away.
Oh, 'cause no-one messes with the queen of the pixies! If you wanna hit me, Nash, just hit me.
I'm not gonna hit you.
Go on, you pussy.
Put your money where your fucking mouth is.
I'm not gonna hit a girl! Please don't do this.
Not tonight.
Come on.
Come on! Piss off! What? You bloody deserve it.
Yeah, do I? Then fucking hit me.
Ohh! (PEOPLE GASP) I was just kidding, you fuck.
Can't you take a fucking joke? Oh, fuck.
Nash? (PLUCKS STRINGS) Nash? Ta-da! Burke and Lang accounts department - animals! (LAUGHS) Is something wrong with your phone? Yeah, yeah.
No, it was funny.
Greg - this guy from accounts - dropped it in my beer and (CHUCKLES) It was pretty funny, actually.
Everyone laughed.
So how was Snob Scrilla? Oh, 'cause Jasper came home.
Yeah, yeah, I'm just, you know, trying to increase my musical expertise, knowledge, whatever.
It was fun.
Well, thanks for waking me up.
No, I didn't.
Your light was on.
So instead of coming in to see me, you came in here to play music? (SCOFFS) Yeah.
Well, Jasper's asleep and I'm really tired, so you can't keep playing.
If I still had the rehearsal room I could.
What? (SIGHS) Nothing.
MAN ON TV: Wait a minute.
Is that smoke I smell? Hey, Piano Man.
Listen, I know it's not 'Grey's Anatomy', but you need to complete the test on this when you're finished.
And can you be a little bit neat, please? Apparently payroll are in a tizz about the legibility of your time sheet and you know how I feel about handwriting.
Look, Billy, we'd all like to live the big rock lifestyle and get paid, but when you're here, you're here 100%.
You understand? Come on.
Come here.
It looks good.
(CLICKS) (THUD) Rock star! (LAUGHS) Hey, Nash.
(JENNIFER GIGGLES) Are you people on acid? Why don't you chase me and find out.
Hey, Nash.
None of you understand my vision as director, OK? This film clip is gonna be awesome and I'd just really appreciate it if you'd just stop interrupting something that you don't understand.
So here's what we're gonna do.
Did you know about this? Well, Accounts Greg emailed me the link, but I thought you threw out the tapes.
I'm gonna kiss this girl - Comet - we're gonna finish this film clip and there's nothing anyone can do about it.
POLICE OFFICER: Step away from the girl right now.
(ALL LAUGH) Come on! Hope you're this funny on stage.
You think you're so clever, don't you? I merely tried to fulfil your creative vision.
Bullshit! All that stuff with me yelling and the cops It's a good thing the running looks OK, otherwise I'd be a complete laughing stock.
Sake? Your place looks like Stanley Kubrick threw up on 'Wallpaper' magazine.
Get as angry as you like, but I think you'll find the glass is half full.
Boy Crazy Stacey broke up, so you can shove your glass up your arse and drink it.
I thought you hated the band.
Think I'd spend three years in a band I hated? I only left because you obviously feel you're better on your own than with other people supporting you.
I am.
I, on the other hand, prefer to share my creative endeavours.
WOMAN: I remember the day that I realised that not only I was being treated badly (STRUMS CHORD GENTLY) but he was making me feel like I deserved it.
I eventually found the courage to leave him, but writing this song was really the first step in the healing process.
It's called 'I Love You 'But I Don't Really Think Much of Your Heroin Addiction'.
(BOTH PLAY DISJOINTED, ABRUPT CHORDS) And I'll have EPs for sale after the show if anyone's interested.
Uh, alright, you might have seen the film clip for this one on YouTube.
(PLAYS INTRO TO 'CATCH OR KISS') Um sorry about this.
(MACHINE BEEPS LOUDLY) Hey, s Am I meant to be able to read that? What? Just look at your handwriting.
How can I put you on my mailing list if I can't even read it? Mate, it says P-E-T Just shut up for a second.
How about you take the time to write like a non-retard so I can actually understand that tomorrow? At least you don't pander to your fans.
(LAUGHS) Nice set.
That means a lot.
I mean, I love Boy Crazy, of course.
But, yeah, the young Neil Young.
Don't you mean Neil Diamond? What? Oh, that was a joke.
I was with the girls.
It was a crazy night and - poof! - it's behind us.
(CHUCKLES) A crazy night? I hit your girlfriend in the face.
So? My mum used to get my dad to hit her all the time to fire her up before her drag-racing tournaments.
I'm not in the mood for one of your stories.
It's not a story.
Everyone used to call her Bitch-Slap Sally.
I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
But you know what? I think Cara's right.
I think you'll say anything to get people to like you.
Huh, OK, how does this fit with your theory? You're being a prick.
That that was good.
That I believe.
Whereas when you say you love my band, all I hear is a lie.
Oh, OK, so you're saying all those times we played together, that was a lie.
You're saying it's bullshit.
You tell me.
(SCOFFS) OK, Nash, the way I remember it, you gave up on us.
I gave up? You and Luke and Jasper bailed on me.
Right, because only you love Boy Crazy Stacey.
That fucking sums it up.
Well, then you don't fight very hard for the things you love.
JANE: Oh, my God.
Such a shame you couldn't come to the Drones.
They were unreal.
It's so great to see genuinely exciting acts these days.
How was your gig? Quiet.
Well, it is open mic.
Had anyone seen the film clip? Shut up.
Oh, OK.
78 SAAB: Feel the first rays on your skin I can't believe what I can see The sun into your eyes now (ALARM BUZZES) I'm under no illusions now How can I see when I am blind To all the same old thoughts now? Oh, I can waste all day Rock star! Keep it up, Billy Joel.
I'm nothing like Billy Joel.
Nah, it's just a joke.
He and I could not be more different if we tried.
He is a jazz-and-blues inspired piano player known primarily for stuff he wrote before I was born whereas I write guitar-based pop mostly influenced by '90s garage and the greats of British rock, but if anyone had actually come to my gig last night, you'd know that! Mate, you try getting a night off with three kids.
The only reason you keep calling me Billy is because unless your bush band just got back from a national tour, you haven't been to a live gig in decades and you have no idea what happens at the coalface, in the dingy local pubs where the bands you listen to on the radio every fucking day actually get their starts, you know, where the real magic actually happens.
Nash, I think you should just take a smoko and calm down.
(ROCK MUSIC) SONG: Sammy was a mistake Her daddy said so (PLAYS ALONG WITH STEREO) Do whatever he says and if you think no Chucked a sickie.
Yeah? I win.
What? Is there a bomb threat or something? Gee, what the f Was there always a window in my room? Why was I walking all the way to the bathroom? What are you doing here? Came to pick up the drum kit.
She's been calling me.
Hey, we did sound pretty shit-hot sometimes, didn't we? (SONG CONTINUES ON STEREO) (ALL PLAY DRIVING ROCK SONG) (PLAYS SOLO) (AMP BUZZES) (ALL LAUGH) Oh, no, not the 'VATIKVA'.
(LAUGHS) It was an accident.
Yeah, right.
Oh, chill out.
I'll buy you a new table.
I don't care about the crappy table.
Well, what's the problem, then? You hate what I've done to the house.
Oh, no, I don't! LUKE: I love what you've done, Jane.
It's, uh Put a window in and it's nice and clean.
Why are you home so early? I quit.
You quit? They kept calling me Billy Joel.
It was They kept calling you what? Forget it.
You wouldn't understand.
Fucking try me.
Don't get on your high judgy horse about this, Jane.
It was They were dicks.
Jasper was the cool one.
That's how big a dick they were.
What are you, five years old? Too cool to earn a living? I can't do 9-to-5, OK, like boring normal people, alright? I can't do shirt-and-tie and interior fucking decorating on the weekends.
You arsehole.
I did all this for us.
I never asked you to.
Well, why don't you just change it back to how it was? Nash! (METAL CLANGS) (CRASH!) Hey! Hey, Cara.
I I need to talk to Comet.
Where is she? Well, you can't.
Oh, I'm sorry I hit you in the face, OK? You kind of deserved it for slagging off my band, but bygones.
Where is she? Are you crying? She's gone.
What? She packed up all her things and left last night, no note, nothing.
She's gone.
I, um I wasn't thinking straight and all that stuff I said, I didn't mean it.
I think that can wait for now.
Why? I just got a very interesting phone call.
The film clip for 'Catch and Kiss' Nominated for an ARIA, bitch! Boy Crazy Stacey's going to the ARIAs! ('CATCH AND KISS' PLAYS)