iCarly (2021) s01e09 Episode Script


1 Question: I'm the most sensitive guy you know.
Not a question.
Thank you.
Why do you sort of ask? Well, I went on a date with this woman, and she said I wasn't sensitive enough.
Apparently, I'm a bad listener and blah, blah, blah.
Look, you're super nice, but you don't always have the best attention span, so it can come off a little insensitive.
I never noticed that.
I was reading a book on how crystals can regulate your menstrual cycle, - and - Bep-bep-bep.
I'm gonna stop you.
I just became hyperaware of my feet.
Every movement, every twitch.
You know, I have some great listening exercises - to help you improve your - Bep-bep-bep.
I don't need to, and I don't need you doing your little fixy thing.
What do you mean? You're a meddler.
It's sweet you want to help, but you go too far.
No, I'm not a meddler.
I just give amazing unsolicited advice.
I have to leave for my interview with that big stylist in 17 seconds.
- How do I look? - Uh, here, let me just Was actually just looking for validation, but She's meddling! You are gonna crush that meeting like a soda can.
Oh, thanks for the pep talk.
I actually need it.
I'm super stressed.
I have a shift at Skybucks right after the interview.
- Guess what? - Can't guess.
No time.
Griffin, that badass guy I dated Who turned out to be obsessed with collecting Pee Wee Babies? - Yeah.
Not so badass.
- Oh! - [COUGHS.]
- So, he DM'd me to meet up.
I guess I'm just the one that got away.
Oh! Well Oh! Have him meet you at Skybucks so I can watch the whole thing go down.
- Mm.
Love you.
Bye! - Love you.
Bye! - Hey, Harper.
How are you? Oh.
- Can't talk.
No time.
So, Freddie, how's the glamorous world of tech support? He asked, sensitively.
It sucks.
But I've saved up almost $4,000, so pretty soon, I can move out of my mom's.
Got my eye on a place with a Peloton on the roof.
It's like cycling but outside.
I just need another thousand bucks, and I'm good to go.
Which could take a while.
Millicent just discovered birding.
Strangely expensive hobby.
Maybe you need a side hustle.
You could babysit.
I already do.
All the time.
For free.
It's called being a parent.
Thank you for calling NoJudgementTechSupport.
com, where we close your browser tabs for you.
This is Freddie.
Let me ask you this: is your device plugged in? There we go.
I know you see Somehow the world will change for me [TOGETHER.]
And be so wonderful So wake up the members of my nation [TOGETHER.]
It's your time to be There's no chance unless you take one And the time to see the brighter side Of every situation Some things are meant to be So give me your best and leave the rest to me.
As your friend, I say, "Hey, queen".
But as your new assistant manager, I say, "We need a coach and counsel".
Ooh, is that where we spill the tea on our coworkers? 'Cause Angel's new purse is a horror show.
I gave her that purse.
Harper, you're three minutes late.
I had an important interview.
Working for this stylist could change my life.
As your friend, I say, "You go, girl".
But as your assistant manager coming into their power, I say, "Do it again, and you're fired".
Oh, hey, Carly.
You mind flipping off my assistant manager? They can't fire you.
Griffin's over there.
How'd you know that was him? Oh, he looks like the kind of guy who used to wear his backpack with one strap.
Ooh, you trying to strap him back on? Your euphemisms confuse me, but maybe.
Hey, Carly, over here.
Oh, hey, Griffin.
You look amazing.
How are you? I'm great.
How are you? Are you leaning more towards stealing motorcycles or temperature-controlling stuffed animals? Oh, my Pee Wee Baby days are long gone.
- Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah.
I had to sell them to pay for my settlement.
Apparently, you can't just say you're a hypnotist.
Anyway, long story short, bankruptcy, prison, I'm infertile.
This latte is a delight.
Uh, so nice to see you, platonic friend.
By the way, you seem very calm considering you've lived a lot of life.
It's 'cause I found Sand.
Sand? It's this genius line of supplements.
I use Calm Sand.
You just take some, put it in your water, and it "sands" away the rough parts.
If I didn't have this, I'd probably drive my motorcycle off a bridge.
Want to try some? Sure.
Uh, Sand me.
- So, what's in it? - Antioxidants, superfoods, organic mood boosters.
I guess I have a pretty stress-packed day.
What do you think? It's actually amazing.
I've never felt so calm.
Like a snowy owl on the quiet tundra, watching the sunrise.
You sure there's nothing in there the DEA would object to? [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, Spence.
Griffin's made a ton of money off of it.
Freddie, this could be your side hustle.
- Hmm.
- Carly Not meddling.
Just saying, "Try it".
See if you like it.
There's all different kinds of Sand.
Griffin gave me this sample pack.
More like "sand-ple" pack.
Maybe there's some Funny Sand in there, Dad Jokes.
Sensitivity Sand? [GASPS.]
This'll come in handy.
The woman from the other night wants to give me a second chance.
She wants to watch a documentary about a penguin orphanage, and if I don't cry, I am gonna hear about it.
Brave Sand.
"For people who have trouble standing up to bullies".
Oh, perfect.
Millicent scheduled a serious talk with me when she gets home from school.
I heard back from the stylist.
: And ? I didn't get it.
: Aw.
I wish I would've had more time to prepare, but Skybucks has me opening, closing, and in-betweening so much, I wasn't as ready as I could've been.
- [ALL.]
: Oh.
- Stop doing that.
You know what you need? Happy Sand.
Unless it's sand under a beach towel I'm sharing with Cara Delevingne on a romantic Miami getaway, it's not gonna make me happy.
You're very welcome.
If you'd like to take a brief survey, please stay on the Hello? Sir, I know you're still there.
You just said, "Click".
I'm ready for our meeting, Mr.
Let me take a shot of courage first.
Okay, let's do this.
This is important, so I put together a presentation that people from your generation will understand.
: Extra! Extra! Breaking news from the Emerald City.
What's that, you say? This little girl's gotten all A's and still isn't allowed to have a doggy? Aw, but she looks so lonely without a pupper! How much is that doggy in the window? It'll only cost you peanuts.
What?! But I made a video and everything.
And I'm in the hole for two clams on a 1940s lingo app.
I was born in the '90s.
Look, having a dog is a lot of responsibility.
The feeding, the walking, the pooping.
My God, the pooping.
I want a dog.
How 'bout we start you off with something easier? Like a pet rock? - How 'bout a cat? - Sea monkeys.
- Gerbil.
- Ant farm.
Tough negotiation, Dad.
Normally, you just cave into a fetal ball.
Pleasure doing business.
I don't suppose you'd like to take a brief survey? Click.
Carly! How are you? I'm good.
You? I hear you saying you're good, but I still need to acknowledge the cruelty of my actions.
I never should've accused you of caring too much.
If anything, I should've accused you of being just so gosh darn wonderful.
- Come here.
- Aw.
Thank you.
- I just like to help my friends.
- Mm.
Don't really need a hug to still be happening.
Everybody needs a hug.
And if it's a convenient time, I got you this gift.
It's a menstrual crystal.
Thank you.
But, you know, I was just saying that stuff about the book to mess with you.
I misunderstood your joke.
And for that, I apologize.
That Sensitivity Sand really works.
: Do you not want it?! Oh.
No, it's It's great.
Thank you, Carly.
If you hadn't have meddled, I never would have found Sensitivity Sand.
And then where would I be? [VOICE BREAKING.]
: Lost.
That's where.
I feel that it's best you process these emotions on your own.
You know who else needs a hug? [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Freddie? Over here.
- What is all this? - [GRUNTS.]
You said I needed a side hustle.
I'm side-hustling.
Say hello to the latest Sandbassador.
- Wow, that's amazing.
- Yeah.
- But they just gave you all this inventory? - Yeah, once I gave them $4,000, which was an amazing discount.
But wasn't that all the money you saved so that you could move out and get your own apartment? Nah, Griffin says I'll make my money back super fast.
And then Millicent and I will be out of Mom's apartment.
I already joined the waitlist to use the rooftop Peloton.
Mondays at 3:00 a.
, here I come.
What's the problem? You love Sand.
Yeah, but I just thought you'd start small and work your way up.
Freddie, spending all your money - is a huge risk.
- Eh.
I'd be really, really worried for you now - if I wasn't all hopped up on Calm Sand.
Thank you, Carly.
I am standing on the precipice of total success or absolute failure, and you're pushing me over the cliff.
Harper, I have a huge prob Whoa.
You're dressed as a normie.
Look away.
The pain of this polycotton blend against my skin is a direct reflection of the pain I feel inside.
I'm really sorry.
But your pain, like that shirt, will shrink and fade.
I promise.
You'll have other opportunities.
Yeah, other opportunities to fail.
This shirt is a lie! [WHISPERS.]
: And it's from an outlet.
Well, things could always be worse.
I hate when people try to cheer you up by saying, "Things could be worse".
Unless you know a specific person for whom things are worse, in which case, dish.
It's Freddie.
Aw, poor guy.
Tell me everything.
I can feel my emotional healing already.
I told him to get a side hustle, and he spent his life savings on Sand.
What if he can't sell it and he gets stuck with his mom forever, and it's all my fault? - Yeah.
That's the good stuff.
- Wait.
I can help him sell it.
I have three million subscribers, and Sand is amazing.
The day is saved.
I'm going back to my neck massager.
"The creature revealed itself in the moonlight.
A dragon ten times the boy's size".
A dragon is like a giant land fish, but not as cool as you, Donut.
Now that we have your laptop sorted, can I interest you in a supplement to Hello? Look, Millicent, it's great that you're spending so much time with your new pet.
Um, excuse you? Donut is my daughter.
Just don't forget about your homework and your chores.
Oh, I'll juggle it all.
Like working moms everywhere.
How's it going with the Sand? Great! Sold a case to Spencer.
That's a start.
Anyone else? Uh, not yet.
You know, mostly just putting out feelers.
Getting the word out.
He made me text my bus driver.
Well, beg no more.
We're gonna sell Sand on iCarly.
No, stop, I'm no hero.
That seems like I'd be expanding to a much bigger market.
Yeah! It'll be great.
We can even have testimonials from you and me and Spencer if he ever stops crying in the bath.
We'll make your money back in no time.
Okay, sure.
You know, I'll order more Sand so I'm ready.
Wait, I-I just meant to sell what you already have.
You know what's really brave? Playing it safe.
No, you're right.
Expanding is totally the right call.
Hey, Mom! I need a loan! Well, there goes your college fund, Donut.
She's getting a scholarship.
A sales chart, people calling in the whole QVC shebang.
We'll even do testimonials.
I'll do my classic owl speech.
Do you think you could cry? Oh, no problem.
: This stuff is like Pixar.
Harper, you sure I can't offer you some Sand? They have one for Gen Z-level confidence.
Nothing's gonna cheer me up.
Especially when everyone else's life is going so perfectly.
I just made VIP Diamond Salesperson for North Seattle District.
Can you believe it? VIPDS for NSD! Plus, I got this awesome Sand Scooter.
This is not fun for me.
I thought you only sold one case.
I did.
But that netted me 50,000 bonus Sand Coins, which I used to buy more Sand.
Oh, I'm gonna be rich.
Which is why I quit my job.
You quit your job? You can't quit.
You have a daughter to support and a mother to placate.
Brave Sand Freddie leaps without a net, baby! I am so ready for this iCarly Sand-sational Sales event! [WHOOPS.]
Today, he has wheels.
Tomorrow, he'll fly.
Yeah, fly into debt.
It took me a minute to figure it out, but Sand is shady.
It's an MLM.
What is that? Multilevel marketing.
It's a pyramid scheme.
Companies get you to buy inventory of phony products that you can't sell 'cause they don't work, so your only way out is to recruit more salespeople.
I learned all about it on my favorite podcast, Scam Empress.
That's not what's going on here.
They keep sellers interested with cheap prizes, fancy titles and worthless fake currency.
Check, check and ch-check.
You said MLM products are bogus, but Sand works.
I'm calm, Spencer's sensitive, and Freddie's so brave he inadvisably quit his job.
Now, if you'll just excuse me, I have a Sand-sational Sales event to prepare for.
I've got my head in the Sand, and it's staying there.
They make baby carriers for goldfish? They make everything on Etsy.
Clearly, you didn't check my registry.
I don't believe in registries.
No one tells me how to shop.
Well, I'll take a black coffee for myself and a seaweed tea for her.
I'll give you an apple juice and a pass on our zero-tolerance policy for non-service animals.
I'll feed her myself.
What are you doing here, anyway? I'm here for my Fishy and Me group.
I love Donut, but it's nice to connect with other parents.
I need something just for me.
That's fair.
Oh, my God! I think I killed my baby.
Why did I ever do anything just for me? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What happened? I fed Donut this dumb Brave Sand instead of fish food! How did I mix these up? Because they look identical.
Put out your hands.
They're the exact same.
Brave Sand is fish food! I was right.
It's a scam.
Carly and Freddie are about to go on her show and sell this junk to her subscribers.
I have to warn them.
- Oh.
- Hey, Harpsichord.
Hey, CJ-piano.
Listen, I have an MLM/friendship emergency, so I got to go.
As your friend, I say, "We've all been there".
But as your assistant manager, I say, "Employees must complete their shifts as scheduled".
But I covered for you when you had to chaperone your dog's honeymoon.
As your friend, La Roux, Cookie and I will never forget your generosity.
But as your assistant manager, you Let me stop you right there.
This job is holding me back in all types of ways.
So, as your employee, I say, "I quit".
But as your friend, I say, "Drinks this weekend?" All right.
Everyone get ready for a [ECHOING.]
: Sandstorm! I'm Freddie, VIPDS for NSD.
And I'm Griffin, VIPPSC of NSD and EST.
Not a licensed hypnotist.
And I'm Carly.
Today, we're here to tell you - about a product we love: Sand! - Sand! Sand is a mood booster brimming with life-positive elements.
But don't take our word for it.
Let's hear it from a real Sand fan, - Spencer Shay! - [WHOOPS.]
Thank you for letting me speak my truth.
Before Sand, I listened, but I didn't hear.
I heard, but I didn't understand.
I understood, but I pretended not to so I didn't have to give the Greenpeace guy my email.
With Sensitivity Sand, all that has changed.
And with every box of Sand you buy using promo code "Freddie B", we'll give you five percent off, and you'll get to watch Spencer mark it off on our neato chart.
- Scooter break! - [WHOOPS.]
: Carly! Carly! Sand! Fish food! I'm in the middle of something.
- And let's hear how Calm Sand can Zen you out.
From the hostess with the most-est, the chillest of the illest, the woman you love, know and trust "Sand is fish food"? - [MOUTHS.]
- Carly Shay! [WHOOPS.]
All right, help us out.
Sell that Sand, Carly.
Calm Sand keeps me very calm.
Like a snowy owl on the tundra, starving for a mouse.
But what if you only think it's a mouse, so you down it, and then you find out it's fish food? Do you think that the owl is a fraud even though she didn't know? [PANTING.]
Oh, my God.
I think I'm gonna throw up.
Carly's trying to show us what she was like before Calm Sand.
Here, Carly.
Why don't you take a nice big drink? "Hoo, hoo", right? Chug! Chug! Chug! - Chug! - I can't drink this.
- Why not? - 'Cause Sand is fish food.
What?! It's not brimming with antioxidants.
It's brimming with fish food.
Oh, my God.
Sand is fish food?! No.
It has not been legally proven to be food of any kind.
What?! You knew? Wait, that's why you wanted to meet up, so you could sell me this junk.
Not to get back together.
Well, maybe.
Um We can get back together.
Carly, I love you.
I never even considered it for one second.
Freddie, are you okay? [LAUGHS.]
If Sand is fake, then I stood up to Millicent all on my own.
I really am brave.
So I can totally handle the fact that I just quit my job.
And spent all my money.
And Oh, wow, okay.
Well, I'm sweating a lot.
Probably just from the excitement and bravery.
What have I done? You know what product I can always rely on? A can of whup-ass.
Scooter exit.
I can't believe it.
I can see that you're hurting, - and I feel your pain.
- No, dude, stop.
Sensitivity Sand is fake.
Which means I've always been this sensitive.
Wow, am I the absolute total package? Freddie, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have meddled.
You quit your job.
You're a fish owner now.
No, it's okay.
That job was holding me back.
Look, Sand was a scam, but this experience reminded me I'm an entrepreneur.
I need to start pursuing that again.
Even if it'll take a lot of bravery.
Well, I quit my job today, too.
- You did? - Yeah.
Oh, well, now I feel great! Everything you do is cool.
Fun-employment dance.
And then I threw my apron down in a very cool and not embarrassing way, and I said, "CJ, you can't stop my dreams".
And then I stormed out as the crowd of customers cheered.
Millicent told a different story.
You know she be lying.
Spencer, I keep telling you, - I don't want to hug it out.
- Bep-bep-bep! Shut up.
Oh! How are you feeling now that you're unemployed? Fantastic.
Like there's a world of opportunity in front of me.
You? Absolute same.
Full of doom and peril.
Like every decision I've ever made was a mistake.
- Hide under a blanket? - You read my mind.

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