iCarly (2021) s02e02 Episode Script

iObject, Lewbert!

Waffles in Warrior Pose.
Both empowering and delicious.
What kind of millennial hell is this? "Random Eating.
" We used to have this bit called "Random Dancing," but this is way more grown-up.
Next, we have "Lasagna in a Headstand.
" Make like you just met a Hemsworth and get those legs in the air.
Stop everything! Guys, meet Trina.
I'm collecting signatures for a bill on climate change.
Can I count on your support? Sure.
I'd love to sign.
Oh, aren't you cute? Sorry, sweetie, this petition is for grown-ups.
Sure, put grown-ups in charge of climate change.
So far, so good.
Spencer, we're filming.
You can't just interrupt - while I'm working.
- Oh.
What is the use of work when the planet is on fire? Climate change is the single greatest threat to our generation.
I talk about it endlessly.
All you talk about endlessly are robots and marshmallows.
He's just trying to get Trina's number.
Mm Wait.
Are you Carly Shay? I'm a huge fan.
Thank you.
Yeah, I'd love to sign your petition.
On second thought, you keep it.
You've been served.
Big fan, though.
Oh, my God.
I'm being sued.
But who is Lewbert Sline? Lewbert was our old doorman and archnemesis.
He quit after Carly moved to Italy.
Just up and left mysteriously.
Why are you gasping? You know all this already.
I just realized her name probably wasn't Trina.
Soda machine! Stole my diet root beer! These videos were called "Messing With Lewbert.
" They were, like, a perfectly innocent, just, like, little pranking sketch.
God, we were adorable.
And now he's suing me for wrongful injury, emotional distress and irreparable loss of wart.
Can you believe this? Yes, I can.
"Messing" with someone is like hiding your roommate's phone charger because she takes long-ass showers.
- Wait, have you been - The point is y'all were nasty.
You don't see how nasty he was in those sketches, okay? He terrorized us.
And he had this blood-curdling, soul-piercing scream.
That's my Lewbert.
I do all of you guys, too.
Carly, no judge would ever side with Lewbert.
He's the worst.
You're right.
But, just in case, I have a plan.
I'll apologize.
I'll show some remorse and all this will go away.
That may work when you try all of the grapes at the supermarket, but - Oh, no.
Those are - Carly, those are not free samples.
They are for sale.
Guys, there's no way Lewbert wins this case, and I would know, I went to law school for three days.
Every time you bring up law school, I think, "He took someone's spot.
" If your apology doesn't work, I'll represent you and get this case thrown out in 15 minutes.
Ten, if I don't get hammered the night before.
So probably 15.
You all got this handled.
I'll stay here and watch Millicent.
You're not gonna come and support your best friend in her hour of need? Carly, I'm Black.
I spend too much time at the courthouse, something ends up being my fault.
Millicent, do you want to see my new sticker? Shh.
Hey, Olive, your mom's here.
Finally! I-I mean, aw, already? But we didn't check the oil and bond futures yet.
Let's save some fun for next time.
Do you ever feel like you're more sophisticated than your friends? Of course you do, you're friends with Carly.
Well, she does call them, "quesa-dill-as.
" Olive and I aren't vibing.
She's still into playing horsies.
And I'm trying to bet on them.
Well, it's normal for girls to mature at different speeds.
Look, take me.
I was the last person in my friend group to consider admissions fraud.
Thanks, bestie.
I love that word.
The way you Gen-Zers just use it all over the place.
I mean, us Gen-Zers.
I'm a Gen-Zer, right, bestie? You want me to say you're a Gen-Zer? I'd like to hear it out loud, yes.
All right, Carly, apologize and we're out.
I can't stand being around Lewbert.
Yeah, he makes my skin crawl.
His lack of hygiene, that awful, grating voice Hello, Carly.
So lovely to see you again.
Lewbert? Is that really you? You look handsome, but also approachable.
You're like Paul Rudd.
Very kind of you to say.
I also want to say that I'm really sorry for the way that we treated you when we were kids.
I-It was immature, and silly.
I feel so much better.
That was a great moment for us.
Court is in session.
I have in front of me the civil suit of Sline v.
Oh, um, Your Majesty I have some good news.
I apologized to Mr.
Sline in a very sincere and respectful way.
So, what do you say, Lewbie? You want to forget about this whole thing? I don't think so, Carly.
Your Honor, I'm seeking damages for the way Ms.
Shay tortured me and left me permanently disfigured.
How are you disfigured? You look fine.
You could pass for a dad in a Propecia commercial.
Be that as it may, I've literally lost the ability to smile.
My once melodic voice is now flat and lifeless.
And, worst of all, I lost my wart.
Spencer Shay for the defense! His "injuries" are self-inflicted.
He would work himself up, and flail around like a bird with another bird up its ass.
Your Honor, this is exactly why I'm suing Ms.
Shay for one million dollars.
Oh, really? You're gonna ask for a million dollars and not do the Dr.
Evil pinkie thing? God, I hate you, Lewbert! Spencer! A sidebar, if you will? I do not have one million dollars.
One million dollars.
We're gonna fight this.
Lewbert, I will see you in court! Carly, we're already in court.
I know, but how many other chances will I have to say that? Several.
We did a lot of messed-up stuff when we were kids.
Carly, are you sure Spencer can pull this off? Objection! Move to strike Freddie's annoying negative opinion.
The trial hasn't even started yet.
I'll allow it.
Hello, Your Honor.
I stand before you, ready to establish mens rea.
Objection! Mens rea? Isn't that the dating app for famous people? No.
That's Raya.
I would know.
"Mens rea" is a legal term that means "intent of wrong-doing.
" After I left the Bushwell, I put myself through law school, and now I have a successful personal injury firm called, "Sue With Lew.
" I call to the stand Fredward Benson! I'm gonna bury him.
This is gonna be the best day of my life.
You really need to get out more, but go get 'em, tiger! I'm so glad you suggested this spa day.
I'm already feeling better about dumping Olive.
You dumped Olive? Faster than a couple that got engaged on The Bachelor.
I need someone older who I vibe with.
And I'm loving these vibes.
And you called me bestie, so Yeah, everyone uses that term now.
My bank's Twitter calls me bestie.
It's 'cause I was having so much fun, and my face is feeling so exfoliated.
Does that mean we aren't besties? Uh of course we are! I'm just playing with you, bestie! Ah, you got me, bestie! I love fake-outs.
So mature of us.
Or "ma-ture.
" Adults love to hit that T hard.
Muffins? Well! Don't mind if I do.
Pretty horrific, wouldn't you say? No, I wouldn't.
- And none of it was - Your idea? Oh, I know, sweet Freddie.
After all, whose name is on the show? Carly.
But that's not Your fault.
Of course not, I agree.
Why wasn't it "WeCarly"? We actually did discuss it, but apparently it tested poorly.
With who? Carly.
It ain't called the "We-ternet.
" And isn't it true you had a deep, unrequited love for Carly? Hey, it was occasionally requited.
Like when I threw myself in front of a taco truck to save her.
So only when you're hurt.
Sounds less like love and more like pity.
Well, if you're gonna go off of how it sounds, and looks, and is then yes.
And now aren't you back where you started? Producing iCarly, doing her bidding, even entering into a fake relationship, all for whose benefit? Carly.
Oh, God.
What has become of me? Who am I? No further questions, Your Honor.
Spencer! You gotta do something.
Get Freddie back on our side.
Your Honor, permission to wrap the witness in a warm hug.
Your Honor, I've got a slew of other witnesses, all who will attest to Carly's horrific ways.
He got Guppy? What bad things is he gonna say about us? He's sweet.
Hi, Guppy! Happy birthday! Ah! Don't look at her, Mr.
I called you here because you were witness to the pain and suffering inflicted by Carly Shay on your brother, Gibby.
Gibby! Well, Gibby wanted to do those stunts most of the time.
Uh-huh! Most of the time, which means some of the time he didn't want to do them.
Let the record show some of the time he didn't wanna do them! I liked it better when I just said happy birthday.
Is it anyone's birthday? Happy birthday! I call to the stand model Bushwell tenant, and just the cutest little angel you've ever seen, Chuck Chambers! No.
No! No.
What's in the box? What's in the box?! Tell us why you're here today.
To state that the Shay siblings are evil incarnate.
Carly played mind games with me when she was my tutor.
And Spencer, he locked me in a cage.
He squirted me with suspicious liquid, and once, he threw a cupcake at me.
You liar! You did all that stuff to me! Spencer! Get it together.
He brought Chuck here to throw you off your game.
Oh, you're right.
Just breathe, Spencey.
Take a sip of water.
You wish it was water.
Come here, you little demon elf! Order, order! Stop that! Get him out of here! You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! Avenge me, Carly! Um, Your Excellency in light of well, you saw it I hereby nominate myself to represent myself.
Can I do that? Only if you grab me one of those cupcakes.
Carter, let's hurry.
If we're late, they'll seat us at a communal table, and I'm not sitting next to a paralegal who had a bad day.
Or we could always just stay here.
Hey, bestie! Um hey, Millicent.
Now's not a good time.
We're actually about to go to dinner.
Hey, little mama.
I'm Carter.
I'm not your mother, Carter.
I'm Harper's bestie.
You guys are best friends? Cool.
So are you really young, or really short? No judgment either way.
So we're gonna go, but you can stay as long as you like.
Hold up.
I got some questions for this one.
Where were you born? What's your credit score? Why are you not wearing socks? You're not going on a boat.
Are you going on a boat? Um I should go.
I think you need to put your bestie in time-out.
No, wait.
You have such great bone structure, please.
His loss, bestie.
Now, let's hang out forever.
So what's your plan? I have called up the one person who hates Lewbert as much as we do.
I'm going to turn that doorman into a doormat.
Nailed it.
Lewbert was a horrible menace to everyone in the building.
He turned the Bushwell into the Bush hell.
Nailed it again, Benson.
Wow, Mrs.
Benson, thank you for that case-shattering testimony.
Lewbert, the witness is all yours.
She was once mine, wasn't she? Hello, Marissa.
Seeing you almost makes me want to smile again.
But, sadly, I was robbed of that ability by one Ms.
Carly Shay.
Can it, Lewb.
I'm not falling for it.
But I fell for you.
You nursed me back to health after Carly's exploding muffin basket attack.
You put cream on my Oh, I can't even say it.
Your wart.
I can still smell your perfume.
And you never forget the scent of your first love.
Permission to kiss the witness.
Permission freaking granted.
Objection! Your Honor, are you gonna let this just happen in your courtroom? Yeah.
I am strangely into it.
Ugh Mrs.
Benson was our last hope.
We're screwed.
Your Honor, I no longer want to sue Ms.
Carly Shay for one million dollars.
He didn't do the pinky thing again! Thank God.
He's dropping the case.
Wrong again, Carlificent! I just want more.
I want the money and ownership of iCarly.
What? You can't take that from me.
But you can take as much of me as you want, you greedy bastard.
This is really it.
Lewbert Sline is going to destroy my life.
This is the end of iCarly.
Freddie, Lewbert smiled.
I think I know how to win this.
Your Grace I, Carly Shay, call myself, Carly Shay, to the stand.
If I may be permitted this rare privilege.
Dear, well, that literally happens all the time.
Well, it's new to me, so I think it's exciting.
Are you enjoying your adult meal of cauliflower crust pizza with cashew cheese and tofu pepperoni? You can't just call things other things and pretend they actually taste good.
So, thanks for taking me to your lawyer's office so I can make a living will.
It was very fun, and not at all depressing.
Your life seems like so much more fun - when I see you with Carly.
- Oh, at our age, we're just riding high on supplements.
Oh, well, I'm out.
Carly's getting killed in trial, and I gotta risk it all to support her in court.
- You got our pizza? - Huh? I got spa day, you get this.
That's what adult besties do.
And you're my adult bestie, right? Yes, sure am, and I definitely have the money.
Ha! Okay, well, love you, mean it.
Bye, bestie.
Oh, hello, Millicent.
Fancy meeting you here.
Olive, I was wrong.
Grown-up stuff is not fun.
They spend all their time getting stuff reappraised.
I'm sorry, Olive.
I should've been your bestie.
Instead, I was your worstie.
I forgive you.
But, hey, who's gonna pay - for this nasty pizza? - Nobody.
Kids dine and dash.
Let's go, bestie.
Dash, Olive, dash! Wow, three hours of all my wrongdoings.
You want to take a break? Mm.
I've got stamina.
Just ask Marissa.
I was perpetually exhausted.
I am going to set myself on fire.
Is there anything you'd like to say for yourself? Yes.
I want to say thank you.
Objection! I Huh? Do you remember when you sneezed into Spencer's open mouth - and got him sick? - Ooh, I do! It tasted like seaweed and dirty kitchen sponge.
That was an accident.
But that accident led to so much more.
After Spencer got sick, he couldn't take me to the Air Force Father-Daughter Dance, so my dad came from Italy and he took me instead.
Right after she said "no" to me taking her.
I'm fine.
I went back with him to Italy, where I fell in love with gelato.
And then, when I came back here, Skybucks was trying out these new gelato-infused lattes.
" We melted ice cream into coffee and charged people $12.
And that's where I met Harper.
I love who I am today.
So, win or lose this case, no one can take that away from me.
My life is so much better now, thanks to you.
Your life is better? No! Are you kidding me? Her life is better? Three years of law school and student loans and selling my hair like Fantine from Les Mis.
Did you go to law school just to get back at me? Of course I did! And now you thanking me! Oh, my God! The wart! - I need the name of that concealer.
- Same.
Oh! Oh! Oof! No! Not again! Ugh! You see? This is what I was talking about.
He's unhinged, untrustworthy, and clearly unwell.
I move to dismiss.
Yes! No, that's not how court works.
Why? He was faking everything.
This man is guilty of being shrill and repulsive, but you tormented him.
I'm ruling in his favor.
So Lewbert gets my show? That's also not how court works.
Have you heard of the First Amendment? You can't stop someone from making an okay web show.
Well, it's not for you, Your Honor.
Your actions have consequences, Ms.
I'm awarding Mr.
Sline $250,000 for pain and suffering.
You can cheer now.
What a victory.
To Carly, for putting Lewbert in his place.
And to Spencer, for paying that settlement.
What are brothers for? Sure, I won't be able to get that animatronic giraffe that chews my salad for me.
Just kidding, I'm getting it.
I'm really rich, guys.
How'd you know your speech was gonna crack Lewbert? 'Cause he said he lost his ability to smile, but then he smiled when he thought I was gonna lose everything.
I knew he was faking it.
You know who isn't faking it? My mom.
I really regret sharing a wall.
- Get it, Grandma B.
- Mm.
Silver lining to the trial.
Chuck and I made up.
He even got me another box of cupcakes as a peace offering.
- Mm - No.
Uh, people do change Oh! Deliciously played, Chuck.
Deliciously played.
Ooh! He hates these cans.

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