iCarly (2021) s02e01 Episode Script

iGuess Everyone Just Hates Me

What is it? What isn't it? It's a nine-layer brunch dip.
Combines all your favorites.
Thank you for filling out my Google survey.
I'm still not sure why I had to tell you what deodorant I use.
'Cause you smell like an angel.
For Carly, we have oatmeal, berries and bacon.
For Freddie, we've got grapes, coffee and leftover pizza.
And for Harper we've got figs, caviar, spicy Bloody Mary.
Dig in.
Hey, Freddie, should you be having a mimosa? I thought you were on antibiotics for your special friend in your special place.
Oh, you mean my penis parasite? I'm good.
After two months of round-the-clock meds, I can pee standing up again.
It's a brand-new day for my genitals.
Did you see? There's a new episode of my favorite show.
Oh, no, don't tell me Wes and Beau made a new one.
Okay, I won't tell you.
Showing hurts more.
Wake up, nation.
I'm Wes, this is my boy Beau, and we're here with another episode of The Weau Bros Show.
Beau, my man, how are you feeling today? Good, but, uh, also like mad.
Beau and I saved Carly's life at Webicon, an event she dragged us to on my Nonna's half-birthday.
Whoa, bro.
Then she dumped both of us in a helicopter.
Which was badass but mean.
Now, no matter how many girls I hook up with - Which is a lot.
- Appreciate you, fam.
I can't commit.
All because of Carly.
The Ice Queen.
Ice Queen.
I'd expect that from Beau, but Wes? He's become such a douche, he makes Chet Hanks look like Tom Hanks.
He works "craft beer" into every conversation.
And they're having people mail ice to the Ice Queen.
It makes no sense.
It melts.
We just end up with wet boxes.
Well, it's official.
The Internet hates me.
This is where you guys go, "No, no.
" No, no.
Don't tell me what to do.
Oh, you're so lucky Double Dutch left Kevin with you while she's on tour.
I scraped my knee earlier and she came over with a slipper.
It wasn't what I needed but it was so cute.
So, dog still hates you? Yes, and if Kevin hates me, Dutch is going to hate me.
This is the fourth meal I've made her today.
But this beautiful little idiot won't eat anything I feed her.
No, she won't.
No, she won't.
Okay, it's all hands on deck.
The Weau Bros Show's latest video has me hemorrhaging subscribers.
I need to win back the Internet.
Can't handle the pressure of being the main character, huh? I cannot.
Hit me, no bad ideas.
How do I go from Ice Queen to Nice Queen? Queen Latifah! Is that anything? - Writing it down.
- Yeah! - Millicent, go.
- Um pass.
Writing that down too.
Harper? Everyone, meet Dr.
Pearl Wallace.
She's the Kevin app's certified animal therapist.
We already met on Zoom.
Hey, what's a certified animal therapist? A pet psychic with student loan debt.
Pearl's here to help with Kevin.
We can hear you two fighting all the way down the hall.
All right then, let's see what you can do, little Miss Wild Thornberry.
Her drop-dead beautiful exterior's masking a seething inner rage.
Then we should be connecting better, 'cause that's my whole deal too.
You want a treat, you majestic floof? It's not the food you feed the dog, it's the energy you feed the dog.
I know you're helping, but I hate you.
If she meant that, you'd be crying already.
Thanks again for coming.
I could never leave a dog, or my favorite CEO, in distress.
Well, you're my favorite certified animal therapist.
You're the only one I know, but still, congrats.
- Bye.
- Bye.
I'll see you at the launch party.
- See you on Zoom.
- Bye.
Speaking of the launch party, how's the planning going, Spencer? Amazing.
We're going primal.
I thought we could all eat with our hands tied behind our backs like the animals do.
Spencer, I'm still trying to rebuild my reputation after my last failed start-up, and this is my opportunity to prove that I'm a serious businessman.
This party needs to be the opposite of lit.
So let's get dim? I can keep an eye on Spencer.
Good idea.
Millicent is great at serious parties.
The theme of her tenth birthday was The Magna Carta.
Tenth and eleventh.
Establishing the power of law is not something that can be contained to one afternoon at a Build-A-Bear.
Great, that's settled.
Now help me, please.
I know I said there are no bad ideas, but are you seeing this whiteboard? - You gotta top Queen Latifah.
- With what?! Have you tried just talking with them directly? Oh, you mean handle my problems in the most direct and adult way possible? No, I have not.
Man, this was such a bad idea.
I thought if I had Wes and Beau on my show, I could tell my side of the story.
But look at them.
They're so committed to this bit.
Can we get started? It's hot in here.
Maybe you should take those adorable woodland creatures off your heads.
The winter gear is because Carly Is an Ice Queen.
Freddie, please just do the countdown.
In five, four, three, two.
Hey, friends.
As promised, I've got two very special guests for this very special live episode of iCarly.
Everybody's favorite ex-BF's turned BFF's Wes and Beau.
They're here to have a good long chat about their feelings, 'cause when boys have feelings, everybody needs to know.
Look, I never wanted to hurt either of you.
But you both told me that you loved me, and I didn't feel the same, so I thought it'd be worse to lead you on.
I really am sorry.
If you really don't want to date either of us, you must not be capable of love at all.
You're gonna be a lonely, alone person.
No hobbies, no boyfriend, just you and your word searches.
That's not true! - I will have a boyfriend.
- Yeah.
Because I do have a boyfriend.
I'm in a hot, hot relationship that is very hot, and very relationship.
Well, that wraps up this very special episode.
With who? What a rude question.
Uh - Um - Me! Yes.
Freddie is my boyfriend.
Whoa, bro.
Freddie, our first date as a fake couple is going amazing.
I can read my viewer comments without bursting into tears.
No more death threats, baby.
You know, I'm actually glad the apple orchard was closed.
Digging for onions is equally romantic.
Hey, how's this for a caption? - "Our love has layers.
" - Yes.
Ooh, hey.
Do you think Millicent would like this onion root doll? Actually, yeah.
Thanks for doing this.
I know you're really busy.
What are producers slash best friends slash sort of exes for? Plus, it's good publicity for my app.
This is working out so well.
And all I had to do was what women have been doing since the dawn of time: Say I have a boyfriend to get men to stop bothering me.
Oh, it's them.
We went to three different onion patches to find you guys.
We've been waiting years for you two to get together.
We're obsessed.
Emily, shut up.
Be cool.
We wanna hear exactly how it happened.
Take us on the "In-Creddie-ble" journey.
- We're obsessed.
- Emily.
When did you know? Where did you know? Oh, my God, how did you know? He pulled up to my house, and he held a boombox over his head and You guys don't know who John Cusack is, do you? That's exactly what happened.
Aw! - Obsessed.
- Emily.
Creddie forevvie.
See, it's on my shirt.
What are you doing here? She was our ride.
You're not my first choice, but I trust Fredward's judgment.
Just remember, you may sleep with him, but I'm the one who tucks him in.
Let's see you kiss.
Come on.
Get a room.
He gets his raw animal magnetism from my side of the family.
One ticket to the family reunion, please.
I'm not gonna tell you again, you gotta stop it.
You are very tense, which is ridiculous because you live an easy life.
- You are being impossible.
- No, I'm not! - Harper, this launch party - Shh.
Dutch texted asking for a picture of us together, so I'm trying to get her to relax.
I haven't rubbed on a bitch this much since prom night.
Got it.
Would you please tell Millicent that Freddie put me in charge? But Freddie put me in charge of Spencer.
I am a year-old man.
I know parties.
Two words: Human bowling ball.
Whereas I'm thinking classical music, understated florals and soft cheeses with unpronounceable names.
Spencer, Freddie is counting on you to make this party adult.
You need to listen to the 11-year-old.
Fine, but only for Freddie.
And you.
And Harper, 'cause I respect her opinion.
Be longer.
Hello Oh, my God, that is your entire back.
Just casually 30% naked.
Can you come zip me up? Yeah.
This whole fake relationship thing isn't bringing up any real feelings for you, is it? Nah.
Why, what about you? Did my kiss unlock some dark, secret yearning lying dormant at the bottom of your heart? No.
Of the eight times we've kissed, I'd rank that one seventh.
- So.
Big launch party tonight.
- Yeah.
You ready to act all lovey-dovey on my livestream? I will be.
Um Actually, can you My mom normally Yeah.
Okay, mm, this goes through here tight, and then here, and Wow, I did not know I knew how to do this.
My Avril Lavigne phase really paid off.
Oh, s-sorry to interrupt.
No, you're not interrupting.
I think you might wanna get to the party.
- It looks a bit somber.
- Somber? Who died? Apparently you.
- Then what's in the coffin? - Bones.
Ooh, bones for dogs to chew on, but still, not great.
Ah? So? Is this serious enough for you? Yeah, you really got the message across.
That my app is dead on arrival.
Before you judge, have you seen the soft cheeses? It's everything you wanted.
Chic dress code, focus on you, boring as hell.
Spencer, look around you.
What sad event does this remind you of? - Oh.
- Yep, yep, yep.
We threw a funeral.
I gotta go see if I can salvage this.
Spencer, can you please, just I don't know, brighten the place up a bit? I'm on it! Hi, I was told to brighten things up.
Ha, ha.
Can I have either of your phone numbers? - Wow.
You guys look amazing.
- Thank you.
Based on Spencer's description, I figured we should dress for a funeral that he didn't know he was throwing.
No, no, no, it's a cake for eating.
I don't want anyone to pop out of it.
Well, let her out.
Is there anything I can do to help? I need this party to be fun.
I have access to a lot of animal drugs.
Oh, I am joking about that.
I've never done weed.
No one cool has.
I should've planned this party myself.
I was too focused on iCarly.
Of course you were.
I mean, Carly's your girlfriend, so Oh, no, no.
Carly's not my girlfriend.
That's just for the channel.
I'm single.
Very single.
Not in an undateable way.
Just a regular very single.
I mean, whatever.
But I mean neat.
I think it's neat.
You do? Buddy, you gotta pick up the pace.
This party looks like a home run to me! Hey, everyone, coming to you live from my love's launch party.
The Kevin app is the cutting edge of animal therapy.
It really is.
I downloaded it ten minutes ago and now I don't feel bad about my passive role in climate change.
You're so strong, Tati.
You're my best friend.
I had my grandmother's ring sized for Carly.
Just in case.
How'd you know Carly's ring size? What? Are you accusing me of breaking in last night while Carly was asleep, measuring her finger, then singing a few bars of "Landslide" just to ensure pleasant dreams? Harper, you are so silly.
Now, where is the hubby-to-be? Let's go find him.
Freddie, my little stinker, your mom did something very sweet and expensive and a dot illegal.
Come check it out.
I should have warned you, that kind of sexual charisma cannot be contained.
My little Burt Reynolds.
I know what you have to do.
Dump me.
I'm a dirty, rotten cheater.
You gotta cut me loose.
No, I can't let you take the fall for this.
This is your launch party.
Don't you see? This is the answer to your problem, people love a woman scorned.
But they don't love a woman angry.
Only men get to do that.
So, do whatever you want, but be chill about it.
Thanks, Freddie.
And also, I'm sorry.
- For what? - This.
Who was that for? Dutch.
Oh, it's my two girls.
Yeah, the two amigas.
Kevin, let's show mommy that game we play where you pretend you can't stand to be held by me.
Oh, yeah, great job.
You doing it.
We had fun.
Harper, my tour got extended.
That's-that's such great news.
I'm really happy for you.
You must be confused because I look devastated, but I just have resting devastated face.
Come with me.
My next stop is Bavaria.
They say it's the Texas of Germany.
As restrictive to my rights as that place sounds, I can't just pick up and leave.
The thing is I'm gone for six months.
I guess we could try long distance? Oh.
No, I can't.
Phone sex is illegal in Germany.
Maybe we just have to wait until we're back in the same place.
Which is what we said we were going to do.
Uh, only instead of six days from now, it's six months from now.
Look, I I know you're right but this just really sucks.
It does.
But you know what could really help? Why don't you keep Kevin? No.
I mean, she would just remind me of you.
That makes sense.
Okay, well, I'll just have my mom pick her up, then.
Goodbye, Harper.
For now.
Thanks, Kev.
Wait, her mom could've taken you this whole time? It's like I finally got a taste of what real love looks like, then poof, it's touring the Black Forest.
I love Bavaria.
It reminds me of Texas.
Do you think Pearl and Carly have the same size ring finger? It looks that way, but Carly's all knuckle.
Here lies Creddie.
- We had a good run.
- Mm-hmm.
Until I killed it with my lusty ways.
I'm a bad, bad boyfriend.
Probably because I'm such a good CEO.
And that is why I have magnanimously and warmfully ended things with Freddie.
Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
In lieu of being mad at him, donations can be made to the Pear store in the form of purchasing the Kevin app.
Boo! - Now, now, don't boo Freddie.
- We're not.
We're booing Pearl.
She's a homewrecker! Shut up, Emily.
Preddie forevvie.
Benson! I love who Freddie loves.
Carly can choke.
I've known you my whole life.
You taught me how to use a tampon.
Oh, I'll teach you too, dear.
And hating Pearl is an insane opinion.
Insane, but popular.
"Pearl makes me hurl" is trending.
Maybe they're talking about a different Pearl.
No, your last name's Wallace, right? And you live at 416 North Bell Creek Terrace? She got doxxed? How did that happen? Put her driver's license back.
And stop the organ music! Here.
Freddie, get this.
Freddie and I were never together.
I just said that because people were demonizing me for not reciprocating Wes and Beau's feelings.
And Freddie's Freddie's the best, so he went along with it.
And he and Pearl would be great together.
You can hate me.
At least you'll be hating me for the truth.
Please don't hate me.
Boom! Brightened it up.
Who was that for? "Dang, Carly, stop lying.
"We've all been cheated on.
Pathetic how you're trying to save face by pretending the relationship never existed.
" Oh.
"Carly, I would never cheat on you, queen.
" Then ten minutes later, he called you a lot of mean names for not responding.
"Freddie is a baller.
" "Freddie is a boss.
" "Freddie, can I be your third girlfriend?" Oh, wow, she is pretty.
This-this is bad.
I hate this.
Well, now they're sending you vacuums, 'cause you suck.
Ooh, a Dyson.
Thank you, hater.
You okay, Carly? People are gonna think what they wanna think.
And my real fans never left me.
That's who I make content for.
Them and the people who hate watching on repeat.
Still counts.
Did you guys see the new Weau Bros Show? Spencer, you get to shoot a reaction vid of me watching Carly watch it.
I'm just saying, I respect Carly for standing up for Pearl.
Nah, bro, all women are the same.
That is a really myopic view of gender and personality.
Look, man.
I don't know what "myopic" means, but I know I don't like it! I quit! But I just bought you all that yogurt for the break room! Whoa, bro.
He hates these cans!
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