Ideal (2005) s01e03 Episode Script

The Boyfriend

I reckon them slugs are back.
Think I saw one earlier.
- Did you kill it? - Nah.
- Too quick for you? - You know who I blame? - Someone who's not you? - Old biddy down below.
(WHINING) Mrs Coneybear.
Next she'll be cross-breeding 'em with rats.
You'll have a rat that leaves a trail of slime and a slug that looks like a rat.
I'm gonna put some salt down.
Hey, that's my best salt.
- It's salt.
- It's my best salt.
It's coarse rock salt.
- That's all I need, that is.
A salt snob.
- Use the LoSalt.
What? LoSalt doesn't kill 'em, does it? Justwounds 'em a bit.
Well, put more on, then.
I'm gonna get RSI here, aren't I? Two types of salt, no type of chocolate finger.
What sort of life's this? Die, you little monsters.
Shit! Shit, where's my Polaroids? Shit.
Moz? You're notmad with me, are you? No.
- You're not mad with me, are you? - No.
Brilliant.
Well, come here and give us a hug.
You need to make sure you have quality time in a relationship.
'Ere.
Do you fancy a game of Crash Bandicoot? No, ta.
I'm off to get my hair done.
I'll catch you later.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Hello, Nicki? You all right? - What's the matter? - Our Polaroids have gone missing.
Shit.
- Has he found 'em? - No.
Maybe we should tell 'im.
I meanyou happy living a lie? - Umyeah.
You? - Yeah, I suppose.
(MOZ COUGHS) - All right, Moz? - All right? Can't stop.
Got muggers handcuffed in back of the panda.
- Brought your Frogger back, safe and sound.
- Moz loves Frogger.
- Got you some weed.
- Thank God.
I was impressing no one with that Leb.
Bloody Leb! It's like living in the dark ages.
- What's this weed? It's red.
- Dunno.
Smoked a bit with the muggers.
We thought it were pokey.
You'll have to make up a name.
I'll see what me marketing department comes up with.
RedRash? Ooh.
Got news for ya.
You know that nutter who's been bothering you? Just a bit (!) He only come back and smashed me window.
Did he? He lobbed a few tins through the library window.
- Crab? - Erone crab, onemacaroni cheese.
They locked him up.
Craig Dawson.
He's acare-in-the-community jobbie.
I suppose he'll get early release for weird behaviour.
What sort of society do we live in, where drug dealers are persecuted and the mentally ill aren't kept in cages? Ooh.
When the arresting officer asked for his address, he gave this address.
What is it that folk find so fascinating about me? Rogered if I know, fella.
Tara.
Jack.
You all right? Cheered up yet? Er Nnot really, Moz.
I I think I'm having a crisis of confidence.
Oh, right.
I'm having a butty.
Just seen this old bloke get run over.
Right in front of me.
He went under a lorry full of fridges.
The wheel right over his head.
Brain everywhere.
- Didn't see ''The Simpsons'' last night, did ya? - His head burst open like a watermelon.
Brain was justspraying all over.
Stillcould be worse, eh? That's brain juice.
All over me kecks.
You ever played Frogger? Lot of fun.
You gotta get 'im over the road before he - D'you want a game? - When ya realise how fragile life is Just wish I could get that image out of me head.
You'll be lucky to get it out of your kecks.
This new weed's just what you need.
It's got a very antidepressant high.
It's combustible Prozac, is this.
It's red.
Yeah, I know.
Everyone's calling it Rosy Glow.
I'llI'll leave it, ta.
It .
.
reminds me of the innards.
(MOBILE RINGS) Best get this.
Things to do.
Oh.
All right.
- Yeah? - Hi, Moz.
It's Craig.
- Who? - Y'know, Craig.
Oh, Crab Man.
I thought you were locked up behind bars.
Yeah.
But I'm still allowed one phone call.
Can you sell us some weed? No.
Call your solicitor.
See if he'll sell you some.
Jesus, why is my fan club a nutter?! (APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS) (KNOCK ON DOOR) All right, gorgeous? You coming in for a bond over a butty? No, I can't.
I just wanted to say thanks for last night.
For being so understanding.
That's me.
I understand women.
I finished with Cartoon Head.
He hit me.
Bastard! You all right? Yeah.
He slapped my face.
There's no bruise, but I'm not having it.
- No, you're best shot of 'im.
- Met this new guy.
That were quick.
What you doing speed-dating this time of day? He's lovely.
I think you know 'im.
Leo? Window-cleaner Leo? What you bothering with him for? - He's going places, is Leo.
- Aye, up and down a ladder.
I thought you'd be happy for me.
I am.
I've gotta get back to college.
See ya.
Mwa! (SIGHS) Blimey, everyone gets a crack except me.
Bloody multi-tasking.
I need a receptionist.
Oh.
Colin.
How ya doin'? Sweet, yeah.
Keeping out of trouble's easy.
Especially when you're on probation.
- Do you need credit cards? - I told you, nothing dodgy in the house.
- I didn't nick 'em.
Some bloke got run over.
- Think I heard about that.
What did he look like? - I don't know.
His head had come off.
- That's the one.
Egg.
It's 0% interest.
I tell you what I really need.
A cig.
Yeah, go on, then.
Just take one, mind, yeah? I'm on probation.
- Oh - Polaroids.
Noyeah, yeah, no I picked 'em up for ya.
- Did you take 'em? - I don't nick stuff, me.
No! Did you take 'em? Oh.
Erno.
'Ey, before and after.
It's a pity you can't see their faces.
How much do you want for 'em? Tenner.
I think if you look closely, you'll see it's a fiver.
Can you do us a fiver's worth of gear? I'm on probation.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Ow.
Ow! Fuck.
- Yeah? - Nicki? - Nice to meet you, Nee-kee.
- She's here? - Who? - Nicki? ErmI come visit Nicki.
Oh! Right, I thought you were Nee-kee.
Ershe's not in.
- Who are you? - Yasuko.
Ya-su-ko.
- Do you mind if I call you Yoko? - I am Nicki's best friend.
Oh, right.
She never mentioned she had a best friend.
- Come in.
- Thank you.
- Ya-su-ko.
- Mo-o-oz.
Hope you're not, erm smuggling in asylum-seekers! You have mark on plaster.
Thanks.
Save me a job for later.
Nicki's at the hairdresser's.
Getting her vicious streaks done.
Ah.
You are Nicki's best boyfriend? - Yes.
- Where is your uniform? This is it.
Tell you what you will like.
Frogger.
Ah! Frogger! No, thank you.
I, ercomplete Frogger when I was little baby.
Right.
Did ya (?) (KNOCK AT DOOR) Door.
Hi-hi.
Moz, this is Malook.
- Aw, i'nt he scrummy? - (MUFFLED ) Eh? Come on, make up yer mind.
Spit or swallow? (GASPS) Down in one.
Ta.
- Ooh, I like you.
You've got thick hair.
- Oh, yes.
Thank you.
Have you seen? - She reminds me of Amanda.
- Who? Amanda with the weird eyes.
Not your eyes, petal, your thick hair.
I like your look.
It's very oriental.
- That reminds me.
Got any more Thai stick? - I didn't sell you any Thai stick.
Getting you mixed up with, erPaul.
You been seeing another dealer behind me back? Psycho Paul an' all? I'm hurt, Brian.
I'm hurt.
You've got no sense of commitment.
There's not a scrap of brand loyalty to you.
What do you expect? Half the time all you've got is Leb.
I've got some new gear.
Specially developed by the Swedish government.
Tested on ABBA.
''Super Trooper''.
What do you think they were on when they wrote that? Muesli? It's got a gorgeous red colour to it.
It's a very gay smoke.
Hi-hi.
I tell you, if this were legal, they'd sell it in IKEA.
- Fifteen notes.
- Erwhat is this? - Special lucky herbs.
- Yeah.
We give them out to all our guests.
It's very traditional.
- (CHANTS SQUEAKILY) - (CHANTS) Om Thanking you.
In Japan, we do this with cannabis.
Fifteen seems too much.
Yeah, but this is pounds, Yoko, not euros like you lot use.
Oi, Scrummy (!) What d'you think you're doing? - I'll bring you a wine list, shall I? - Sorry.
- We'll see ourselves out, ta.
- You will.
If I catch you at it again, fella, I'll chop your bleedin' hand off.
Don't mess with another man's butty.
'Ave you not read the unwritten rules? Rude! - Oh, 'ey, Bri.
- Hi-hi.
We're off to Arndale to laugh at people.
- Oh.
- See ya.
Oh! I'm so excited.
- So what's with the plaster? - I've got a lazy third eye.
- Hiya.
- Nicki? It's you.
- You came.
- Yes! (LAUGHS) Yasuko.
Oh, it's so good to see you.
Yeah.
I know.
Right.
I'll put the kettle on.
Oh! You two obviously have a lot of catching up to do.
Listen.
Don't mention to Moz what happened in Thailand.
- What happened? - The, ermthe threesome.
He doesn't need to know.
He'd, erm he'd take it out of context.
Aah! Context.
Honestly, you meet her backpacking in Thailand and you give her this address.
You should have had cards printed and handed them out! I'll take her out for a coffee.
You haven't even mentioned my hair.
It really suits you, thethickness.
I haven't changed the thickness.
Well, the colour looks good.
It's my own colour.
I've had a light trim.
A light trim? How am I supposed to notice that? I'm not a hairdresser, I'm a civilian.
- I don't - I bring box of sweet turtle for you.
Whoopee-do (!) Rude.
- After you.
- Thank you.
(SINISTER, GRINDING MUSIC) No, please, noI don't want to die.
All right, our kid? - Not seen you for yonks.
What you been up to? - Holed up in me room.
What's this weird music? Evil, innit? This is me new tune.
This is what I've been working on.
Mam'd be pleased you've not been wasting yer time.
All right.
I'll play me other tune.
(BURPS) Have you got any Rennies? Nah.
They don't agree with me.
They're Rennies.
They don't disagree with anything.
(HARDCORE TECHNO MUSIC) The DJ to the music like the turkey to the gravy Techno, techno, techno Bisto, Bisto, Bisto Last night a DJ saved your life Last night a DJ saved your life I am the new NHS Breathe me in Mmm, aah Mmm, aah (CROWD CHEERS ON BACKING TRACK) Hear the drums go (KNOCK AT DOOR) All right, Moz? Like the bindi.
Nicki in? - No.
She's having a coffee.
- Wanna borrow a bluey, then? - It's shocking.
- ''Four Weddings and a Funnel''? No, ta, mate.
Kuldip, this is me brother Troy.
He's a DJ.
You're a DJ.
You two should get on.
- How many white labels you got? - Don't know.
- I've got 440.
- Right.
Good.
That's 23 more than Fatboy Slim.
What's that say about me? - You're a twat? - No.
- You'd love to see me fail.
- I see you every day.
- What do you spin? I do my shit in me bedroom.
- It smells like it an' all.
No.
That's the new weed I've been smoking.
Thai stick.
Psycho Paul deals some proper gear.
What? What you going to 'im for? I'm your brother.
You've got everything you need under one roof.
I'm like a one-stop shop.
I've got some great new gear.
Well strong.
It's like alorry full of fridges running over your head.
- Can you do us an eighth? - Born to be a DJ, me.
DJ Troy make some noise.
Rhymes, doesn't it? You're not trying to tell me that's coincidence.
Are you? Others tried.
Jason Orange.
DJ Orange make some what? - Don't rhyme with owt, Orange.
- Lozenge.
- In yer dreams.
- Syringe.
Do a shite.
Old skool DJ, me, you see.
Strict as.
Ibiza '88, Ibiza '89, Ibiza '90, - Ibiza ninety - .
.
one? - Didn't go '91.
Got sectioned.
And '92.
- And '93 when he got sectioned IN Ibiza.
As if! Pull loads of birds when I'm abroad, me.
I'm what they call a clit-tourist.
You? You'd still be a virgin if they hadn't put you in Borstal.
- Test us.
- Eh? Test us.
Give us the serial number on any of your records, I'll name that tune.
Yeah.
OK.
5, 16, 34, 8, 19, 46.
Good choice.
That'll be Conical Soup, featuring Steven Hawkin, ''Celebrate the Rim'', open brackets, Can I Wear Your Skin?, close brackets, released '94, King Buzz Records.
- Yeah, yeah.
Spot on.
- Fuck off! Actually, that were impressive.
Nah, they were me lottery numbers, but he was doin' me head in.
Hiya, it's me.
I can't find the Polaroids anywhere.
No, he'd have said something.
Oh, my God.
Oh, they're here.
They're still here.
I can't believe I missed 'em.
Urgh, there's a slug trail all over them.
At least I hope that's what it is.
Bollocks! (WHISPERS) Bollocks.
(NICKI SIGHS) So, how long were you actually thinking of staying for? Ohmmis up to you to decide.
Oh, OK.
Ermanother day? OK, we decide another day.
Right.
- You can sleep on the sofa if you like.
- Oh, no.
I'm happy here.
- Moz, why don't you sleep on the sofa? - No.
I'm happy here, ta.
D'you wanna turn the light out? Oh, I'll do it.
(MOZ) Night, Yoko.
(YASUKO ) Goodnight, Moz.
(NICKI) Night.
(YASUKO ) Goodnight, Nicki.
(MOZ WHISPERS) Nicki? (NICKI) Mm? (MOZ) You're notmad with me, are ya? (NICKI) No.
- You're not mad with me, are you? - (MOZ) No.
(NICKI) Good.
(NICKI) Don't do that! (MOZ) That wasn't me.