Ideal (2005) s01e04 Episode Script

The Affair

'Cause I'm plantin' radishes, carrots, lettuce, cabbages, radishes - Have I said radishes? - Yeah! Ya did, yeah.
They repeat on me an' all.
Donovan, 'e comes up to help me sometimes.
You know him, don't you? - No.
- Hilarious.
Hehe told me this hilarious joke yesterday.
- Are you gonna tell it us or what? - Oh, no.
I can never remember jokes.
'Course, ercome next year, I wanna be plantin' swedes and artichokes and tomatoes and beetroots .
They're me friends! .
replace the fence with a door I said, ''Iceberg lettuce? No, man.
'' .
'Cause he thinks 'Cause he reckons me flags are gonna crack .
and I get some chickweed bait.
Eatin' chickweed Fill it with nuts Fuck off, you borin' bastard.
Thing is, right, you mix some creosote - (WOMAN) Hiya.
- Hi, China? - It's Moz.
- What you up to? I'm, erjust havin' a sit-down.
- How's your rat bite? - Oh, it's fine.
Just a bit of fun.
- We bite each other all the time.
- You bite your pet rat? Just his tail.
You know, for flossin'.
I don't go the whole Pet Shop Boys bit, but - I'm jokin', China.
- I've got to go to a lecture.
Oh, yeah.
I remember.
I'll tell you what I'm wearin', you tell me what it's made of.
- What are you wearin'? - (COYLY) ByeI China, China, China.
(PHONE RINGS) - Hiya, Nicki.
- Did the rat-catcher come, then? Yeah, I'm fine, thanks.
You'll be pleased to know there's poison everywhere.
Where did you stay last night? Amanda's.
- Who? - With the weird eyes? 'Cause I called ya.
It was just you and some bloke's voice, laughing.
- That was Amanda.
She's got a man's laugh.
- Oh.
'Ey, can you get us some toilet roll? We've run out.
Oh, and get us some fags.
And get us some digestives.
Oh, and two cans of Guinness anda Mars bar.
Extra-strong mints Get us a Flake.
If they ain't got a Flake, get us a Topic.
Kit Kat and a Crunchieand a Creme Egg! Andcan ya get us a treat? - What am I, your skivvy? No.
NickiI miss you! Honest! - You what? - You have that blend of refreshing ingredients that just makes the senses come alive.
Are you reading me a shampoo bottle? - Yeah.
- (DISCONNECTED TONE) You make the effort and that's where it gets you.
- Kuldip.
- (MIMICS FUNKY SCRATCHING) - Y'all right, fella? - Aye.
You know I owe you a pint from last night? Well, here ya go! Don't give up the night job.
'Ey, I've got a couple of boiled ones happenin'.
Surprised to see YOU down Zyklon B's last night.
Thought you didn't do ''pre-club bars''.
Well, what can I say? I'm a constantly-evolving organism.
Who's that young bird you were with? China? She's a bit nice, i'nt she? - She's just a mate, all right? - Yeah? Well, how long you been ''matey''? I'll buy it, thousands won't.
Oi, King Gob! Thousands aren't gonna hear about it.
You're gonna say nothin' about nowt to nobody.
- Does Nicki know? - There's nowt for Nicki to know.
It's all goin' on in yer head, fella.
You've been smokin' too much weed.
- How are your paying guests? - Eatin' me out of hand and home.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) I'm rushed off me feet here! I haven't been this busy since Pancake Day.
(ACID JAZZ MUSIC) - Leb? - Yes, Leb! - Got anything else? I'm on probation.
- I had a run on the good gear.
(SNORING) - I thought he were dead! - If you heard 'im talk, you'd know he's dead.
Remember this from last night? - Who is it? - It's a white label.
- So who is it? - Not allowed to say! - Hum it us.
- Not allowed to hum it.
How am I supposed to remember it, then? Just play it, you daft bastard.
- Shouldn't have even shown it ya! - You're safe with me, mate.
I'm on probation.
- Yeah.
I'd better get goin'.
- Aye, before that record self-destructs (!) (SNORES) Oh, take 'im with you, will ya? He's mongin' up me feng-shui something rotten! I have tried waking 'im up.
It's like tryin' to wake a cushion.
Anyway, what's the, erword on the street? Nothing.
It's been dead quiet.
Nowt to report, so Oh, no, yeah! No.
They found a dead body opposite yer house! - (WHISPERS) Who? - The police.
- No, who's the dead body? - Oh, dunno.
Had 'is right hand chopped off.
Bled to death.
They found another bloke with 'is hand chopped off, dead.
Outside Homebase.
Took 'em hours before they realised.
Thought he was camping out for the sales.
- Calling 'em Handjob Murders.
- Who is? - I am.
Wouldn't think it round 'ere, would ya? - Yeah, you would.
It's a shithole.
- Oi! Council tax band C, this is.
Almost posh.
- (WINDOW CREAKS) - (TAPPING AT WINDOW) - Got me own window-cleaner and everything.
- All right, Leo? How's it going? - Not so bad.
Surprised you can see anything through these.
Tryin' to save on curtains or wha'? - Eighth? - Cheers.
What is it? - Leb.
- Lebanese Leb? You get this at car-boot sales! You don't want to be gettin' too stoned.
I don't want you falling off then reporting me to Claims Direct.
(LEO ) Hear about the fella over the road? Got 'is arm cut off.
I'd just done his windows.
That's £3.
50 I won't be gettin'.
- Tragic.
- The majority of accidents 'appen in the home.
So do you reckon that 'appened while he was peeling potatoes? You know what I reckon? Who's bumping 'em off? The old biddy downstairs, Mrs Coneybear.
I couldn't nip in and use your loo, could I? I'm busting.
- Use your bucket! - I 'aven't got no paper.
- Use your squeegee.
- Go on.
Aye, go on, then.
We're out of loo roll, so we're roughin' it with the ''Manchester Evening News''.
Oi! There's a picture of Ronan Keating in there.
Saving it for me next visit, but help yourself, fella.
- I'm off.
Got to get meself some new wallets.
- See ya.
- (CAR ENGINES ROAR ON VIDEO GAME) - Dissing you already! (SIRENS WHOOP ON VIDEO GAME) - Oi, what the bleedin' hell are you doin'?! - It's Craig.
I came round yesterday.
- Eh? - You wouldn't let us in, but I weren't offended.
- Can ya sell us some gear? - No, and I'm not gonna elope with you either.
- So get down! - I've got money.
So 'ave I.
Piss off! - I'll catch ya later! - No, you won't! Ta.
That's lightened the load.
Oh Could do with a pasty now.
Are you runnin' a sightseein' tour? I've just had a weirdo up here looking round.
- Your ladder's fallen into the wrong hands.
- It won't happen again.
No, 'cause you'll go in yer own house before you leave next time! - Where's me bucket? - I dunno! What am I, the bucket nanny? - Where'd you leave it? - By the door, over there.
- Colin's nicked it.
- What am I gonna use? - It's got bits of eggshell in it.
- They're an abrasive.
- Now get down! - See you in a fortnight.
Your squeegee! He's still not cleaned them windows! Course, there's, ernot enough space up the allotment for rhubarb, 'cause it's just too bushy.
I don't mean bushy like a hedge I was thinking, Moz, that, eryou and Nicki should come up to the allotment (BLASTING PUNK TRACK) (DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC) Hi-hi! Moz, this is Lindsay, Lindsay, Moz.
Enchanté to meet ya.
Aw, i'nt he scrummy? Yeah.
Come in, Lindsay.
- So, what d'you fancy? - I fancy men.
- What about you? - I AM men.
I mean I'm a man.
I fancy women.
- His tits are good, aren't they? - Yeah, well done, mate.
- Have a feel.
You don't mind, eh? - No.
- I'm all right, thanks.
- Go on, 'ave a squeeze.
- No, ta.
I've just put one out.
- 'Ave a squeeze.
Go for it.
And the other one.
It's very good.
- Very realistic.
- They ARE real.
- I'll show you them if you want - No! I believe ya.
I'm very supportive of people who want to grow their own, but don't get yer busters out! - 'Ey, do us a quarter.
- I wondered when we'd get down to business.
Me and him's gonna get down to business later.
- Got a fact-sheet I can read (?) - You're a right prudey.
'Cause I don't do a public announcement about me sex life every three minutes? - You've nowt to announce, that's why.
- My sex life is every bit as racy as yours.
I get up to loads, me.
- I 'ave threesomes - Threesomes? You? - Who with? You, your hand and a tissue? - I'm not saying.
I'm a gentleman.
- With Nicki? - Yes.
Don't tell 'er I said that, though.
Are you definitely a bloke? - Yeah.
- What a waste.
- I'll be a woman in two weeks.
- But not a proper one.
I know the difference between butter and margarine.
- Yeah? Well, have another squeeze.
- Stop askin' me to touch yer busters! You'll never be a proper woman with that attitude.
Women keep a very tight rein on their breasts.
They don't offer them round like a bag of sweets.
'Ey, if he wants owt lopping off, there's a bloke round here doing good business.
Oh, yeah.
I'm calling them the Handjob Murders.
So am I.
(FUNKY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC) Ladies and gentlemen of Ibiza, it is I, DJ Moz, your lyrical leader! (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Yeah? - Package for you.
Nothing to sign.
- What is it? - I don't know.
It's for Mr P Cowie at number 49.
- So why don't you deliver it to him? - I can't.
He's dead.
Had his hand chopped off.
- Whatever it is, you can have it.
- Cheers! Could ya sell us some draw? Leo said you wouldn't mind.
- Leo? The window-cleaner? - He said you wouldn't mind.
What am I? Dealer by appointment to unskilled workers? - There's plenty of skill in parcel delivery.
- Tell that to Mr Cowie! Do us some gear and I'll bung ya a parcel now and then.
- Some are right big 'uns! - Soz, I don't know ya.
I've got ID, look! Yeah, well, I need three forms of ID and a utility bill with your name and address.
Sell us some fuckin' weed now! All right.
All I ask is that folk are straight with me.
It's only Leb, mind.
Oh, is it? I think I'll leave it, then, ta.
''Opium''? - China.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR) Still child-minding, then? Yeah.
I don't trust 'im on his own.
- Eighth? - Is that what you want? An eighth? Fifteen quid, cheers.
He's only sixteen.
Do you not do a discount? You're at a dealer's house, you're not visiting Alton Towers.
We've just got back from Preston.
Ah, well, it's good to see these places while you're young.
We went to this shop what just sells fudge.
Had all sorts, didn't they? Mm.
- So what did you get, then? - Just plain fudge.
Didn't like the look of any of the other stuff.
I thought you'd have been a bit more adventurous, what with being in Preston.
- (SNORTS) Leb? - Yeah.
Show 'em Preston, they get an attitude! Right, then.
Fifteen notes.
No No, we've only got two notes.
A five and a ten.
Is that all right? (MUSIC: THE THREE AMIGOS' ''LOUIE LOUIE'') Haven't seen you for yonks, man.
How's, erSally? I just dumped 'er.
Probably just as well, what with her sleepin' around an' all that.
What? What d'you mean? You know.
- You do know.
You know she did the Darrens.
- Sheshe slept with Little Darren? Yeah, to start with.
I mean Don't want to speak ill of the dumped, like, but She shagged Little Darren, then she shagged Big Darren - that party you didn't go to - then, er Well, only last week she shagged Flu Strength Darren.
I thought you knew.
It-it doesn't surprise me.
I She dumped me, actually.
- It was a quarter, weren't it? - Yeah.
Nice one.
(SIGHS) I don't know what to do.
Well, have you, er thought of changin' yer name to Darren? I justI just really need to talk to somebody about it.
- You see, I really - (GLASS TINKLES) What the bloody hell? Oh! Mrs Slocombe, you cow! - I'll be off, then.
- See ya.
Right, then, that's no Viennetta for you for a month.
Can you take the chain off? - Coming.
Moz! - What kept you? - I've been worried about ya.
So I were on the phone to Welsh Mountain Rescue, weren't I? Toilet roll.
Every man's God-given right.
- You pissed, then? - No! I'm just wearing in new shoes.
So you were down Zyklon B's last night, then? - Was I? - Amanda said you were.
- Who? - Amanda.
With the weird eyes.
- I didn't see her.
- She saw you.
She could be looking at me and seeing someone else.
- Have you been telling people we've split up? - What about you? Starting off your new life on karaoke down at the Horses! ''Things Can Only Get Better''? The theme from ''Rentaghost''? She said you left with some pretty young girl.
- Persia? - I never! I swear.
Nicki, the only third person in this relationship is paranoia.
My mum says all men are programmed to be unfaithful.
Obviously I can't speak for all men like yer mam can, but personally, I enjoy the security of being in a relationship.
You'd better do, or I'll kick yer 'ead in! - Have you had another woman in here? - No! It bloody smells like it! I had a transvestite in, but it were for business.
It's perfume.
I bought it you as a gift.
But Mrs Slocombe smashed it, so now the flat smells like a big girl.
Youbought ME perfume? - Are you on an E or what? - No, I bought it you 'cause I Well, I wanted to make up for the rats.
I thought you deserved it.
I'll show you the broken bottle, if you fancy.
That is SO romantic.
You look well sexy when you're half-cut.
Even you look sexy when I'm half-cut.
- Rrraow.
- Come here, you wanker.
Give us a kiss.
There, erthere isn't anyone coming round, is there? No, why? Was you thinking anything specificular? Maybe.
- (PHONE RINGS) - I'd better listen to this, just in case.
- Just in case what? - I don't know.
That's the point.
I'm runnin' a business here.
- (MOZ SNAPS) Hello.
- Nicki.
It's Craig.
Y'know, from the ladder? I'll not be offended if you don't pick up.
- Bye, then.
- (BEEP) (AMBIENT MUSIC) (MOBILE RINGS) I said, fuck off! Right, then.
Nicki? You have always been a woman, haven't ya? - Yeah.
Why, what have people been saying? - Nothing.
I were just thinking I know where I am with these.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) - It's like Noel's bloody House Party in 'ere.
- Ignore it.
Yeah, they'll go away.
(KNOCKING) - They're not going, are they? - (KNOCKING) Bloody door! It's the only thing that does bang in this house.
Cartoon Head.
Good knock.
- China.
- Hiya.
What a nice surprise.
- You're nottogether, are ya? - Yeah.
Just make yer way through.
Before I do, can I ask I-is your pet rat in its cage? Better than that.
He's dead.
Make your way through and I'll go get me bong.
I'm China.
- China.
Not Persia? - No.
- You down Zyklon B's last night? - Yeah! Were you? No.
'Ey, fella.
You haven't got a ciggie you can lend us, have ya? Can ya give us a hand? Pass us that.
- Hiya, CH.
- I'll make us up a bong, eh? Don't know about you, but I'm feeling way too on me face.
You're very pretty, aren't you? Very young and pretty.
Thank you.
- You're his youngest customer.
- Sorry, who are you? Nicki.
I'm his grown-up girlfriend.
- Anyone for coffee? - Yes, that'd be lovely.
China? We've got lemonade, Sunny D Calpol? - Just coffee'd be great.
- No worries.
So, I, er didn't know you two knew each other, but obviously you do.
Met last night, after I left here.
At Floorgasm.
Had a wicked time, didn't we? So, eryou and Nicki back together, then? Yeah.
But don't mention us splitting up.
She's in denial.
Who's for coffee? - Fuc-offee? - Ah, great.
Now, you be careful.
It's hot.
(ALARM WHOOPS) (CARTOON HEAD SLURPING) Nicki? Where's me Flake? And me Topic and me Crunchie? Soz, Moz, I ate 'em! - What about me Guinness? - I drank 'em.
Creme Egg? - What about the treat? - I bought myself a lipstick.
We gotta go.
Cartoon Head's not feelin' too well.
God, yeah, fella, you're looking a bit drawn.
- See ya.
- (CRASH) - Mrs Slocombe's caught a rat! Nice one! - God, I don't want to see it.
Get rid of it! (SLURRING) Yes, mistress! What 'ave I told you about dragging things into the house?