Ideal (2005) s01e05 Episode Script

The Backpacker

He's back.
I knew it! (NICKI) Mm? Who? - This nutter.
He's stalking me.
- (NICKI) Who? Craig summat.
He wanted to buy hash off us, but I'm not doing business with 'im.
- Why? - 'Cause he's on a blacklist.
Oh.
Who else is on this blacklist? Just 'im.
He's top of the list.
I get a really bad feeling from him.
I don't want him in the house.
Look at the prannock.
He's got a sweatshirt with a massive dope leaf on it.
- It's just the kind of advertisement I need (!) - Oh, come away from the window.
He's the stalker.
He should be hiding from me.
Moz? I thought you'd given up smoking in bed.
Yeah, deffo.
Never again.
Is that right? - (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Nicki, are you gonna be long? Yes.
(SINGING ALONG) # So we're dreaming Dream Shadows on the hill Do, do, do (SINISTER MUSIC) Mm-mm-mm If you're good at washing up, I'll marry you.
No, don't.
Don't.
I hardly know ya.
Don't (NICKI) Mm, yeah, I know.
Well, yeah, you see.
That's the way it goes.
I know, yeah.
All right, then, love.
All right, then.
I'll see you soon.
Tara.
- I'm off down the launderette.
- Aaah! Fuck! - Oh, keep still! - Ow! Agony pie.
- I'm always getting knife wounds.
- What are you? Mr Gangland? When 'ave you had a knife wound? Remember that restaurant? Last time we went to Cardiff? You stabbed yourself with a corn holder.
I got me tongue pierced for free.
Should 'ave sued.
Talked like Chris Eubank for a fortnight.
I know.
My mum thought you were pissed the whole time.
Yeah, well, I was.
What's the sense of being in Cardiff sober?! (WHISPERS) Ow! - What have you done to your hand? - Knife wound.
Gangland thing.
What about your injury? Multiple sclerosis isn't an injury, it's a disease.
- So it's not getting any better, then? - No, it's getting worse.
There you go, Sangita.
Really hope that, ercheers you up.
- They reckon I should have about a year.
- No! Sangita! A whole year off work! Nice one.
No.
A year until I die.
I knew it were too good to be true.
So, yougonna put yer feet up and get wasted for a year, are ya? I'm going on holiday, as it happens.
Going swimming with the dolphins.
- They reckon dolphins can cure people.
- You mean doctors, surely? Dolphins are actually really intelligent animals.
It's about time fish got the credit they deserved, innit? I'm thinking of learning to swim meself.
Y'know, butnot with dolphins.
With armbands.
Really (?) - And dolphins aren't fish, they're mammals.
- No, that's dogs.
No.
Dolphins are definitely mammals.
Well, there you go, then.
You've still got it up there, despite your ''muhhh''! - Sharp as a bread-knife.
- I'll be off.
- Do you, erwant any help with the front door? - No, you rest your hand (!) Yeah, you're probably right.
I've gotta sign on on Tuesday.
Never stops.
Twenty-four seven.
- All right, Colin? Fancy a mojo? - Erno, ta, Moz.
I'm on probation.
- Hiya, Colin.
All right? - Yeah.
Just tryin' to earn a bit of cash.
I ain't buyin' owt.
Nicki doesn't want knock-off in the flat.
None of this stuff's nicked, honest.
I'm on probation.
I'm not allowed to nick stuff.
Car stereo? Unwanted gift.
Me mum give it us for getting me probation.
- I haven't even got a car.
- You all right for ashtrays? - Eh? - Ashtrays.
Here you are.
Fiver for both.
All right, four quid.
I'll take four quid.
Them's car ashtrays.
Out of a car door.
Nicked from a car.
- Still got the cig butts in 'em.
- What abouta nodding dog? Col.
I 'aven't got a car! I've only got the air-bag.
I can't drive.
I haven't got a licence.
Oh, d'you want one? What d'you fancy? HGV, moped? No! Can I use yer loo? I'm on probation.
Bloody hell.
Tell you what, I'm getting a buzz off these mojos.
- You're not still seeing that China, then? - Nah.
I were never seeing her in the first place.
I'm with Nicki.
Yeah.
I thought so.
I saw China.
She's going out with Cartoon Head.
Yeah, I know.
Won't last, though.
- She's on the rebound from me.
- How can she be, when she was never with ya? 'Cause that's the effect I have on women.
- Got any mayonnaise? - In the fridge.
I'm off.
Got stuff to spray on.
- See ya.
- See ya.
- Lift, then pull, then lift again.
- Yeah, I know.
You'll break it.
I haven't had me money's worth yet.
Only got it out of the skip last month.
Had cheese in it and everything.
- Shit! - (MOZ) What's wrong with you? - There's a dead rat in your fridge.
- Brilliant.
- Is it? - Dead rat's better than a live one, innit? It doesn't make much difference when it's by your sausages.
'Ave we got sausages? - Do us a favour, fella, and lift it out.
- Waz off.
- (MIAOWS) - Go on, get him.
Please tell me you've got some better gear for us.
- Nobody around to bust.
- (SIGHS) - They're all gonna start scoring off Psycho Paul.
- Nah.
And once they start, they'll keep scoring off 'im.
- Why? - 'Cause he'll stab 'em if they don't.
He's still there.
- Who is? - This daft lad 'ere.
Me stalker.
Craig something or other.
Weirdo.
- Where? - He's been stood outside there since yesterday.
It's gotta be illegal, that, surely? Must be.
Here.
You know, when you leave, you don't fancy you know, moving 'im along, do ya? No problem.
I'll do it for you now.
No You Oi! Yeah.
You.
Piss off! Go on.
Cheers, man (!) Could've done that meself.
Ah, well.
He's gone now, anyway.
So what's all this, then? ''This Is Your Life''? They're interviewing everyone about that murder.
Searching some places, trying to find that fella's missing hand.
'Ey.
I'm calling them the Handjob Murders.
Yeah.
Yeah, we all are.
'Ey, it was just luck I found out about it.
I volunteered to do this side of the street.
- What? You're gonna interview us? - Yeah.
Did you see owt, hear owt? No.
Right.
Stick the kettle on.
I'll power up the old machine.
- Then I'll dust for fingerprints.
- Really? Give over.
(GUNSHOTS) (MAN) AaaaghI You've never won one single game of this, have you? No.
No, I haven't.
I reckon I could even beat you if I played with me feet.
Ta.
- Hiya.
- All right? - 'Ello, Nicki.
All right? - Yeah.
You? - I just mashed 'im.
- Well done (!) - Oh, erSangita were 'ere.
- Oh, how is she? She's teaching dolphins to swim.
Something like that.
- We up for a rematch or what? - (GUNSHOT) Deffo.
Just give me ten minutes.
I'm off to shed a pound or two.
(DOOR CLOSES) Mmm.
You smell nice.
That'll be me pepper spray.
I've been thinking about you.
Do you, er (WHISPERS) Aye, go on, then.
- (NICKI) Mmm - Mm-hm.
- Mmm - Mm-hmmm-hm.
- Oh! - Mmm.
(NICKI) Mmm! - Oh! - (POOH PLOPS) Get out.
(BOTH SIGH) - Anyone want a sausage butty? - No, ta.
Aye, go on, then.
- What are you staring at? - Nowt.
Your Your nose isrunning.
- 'Ey, we've been signed, us.
- What, for the dole? No, the band.
We've been signed to a record company.
We've got an advance.
Five grand each.
- What? You're kidding.
- No.
- Blew most of 'is on piercings, though.
- Yeah, look.
Nips one and two belly button and .
.
check out the old bollard.
Put it away, fella.
What do you think it is? ''EuroTrash''? Looks like you got half a pound of roadkill down your undercrackers.
You've got some dark discharge there.
It looks sore, that.
- How long before you can use it again? - For sex? A day or so.
- But I can wee at will.
- Right.
What is it, then? Boy band? Is it hell.
We're called Silicone Valets.
But it's Valets spelt with a T.
You know, like parking valets.
Those people who park your car.
So it's SiliconeValets.
Yeah.
We're kind of a mix of Cabaret Voltaire and Throbbing Gristle, with a little bit of Chemical Brothers just squeezed in there.
So it's completely unoriginal, then? But we've got our own thing goin' on.
We've added our own twist.
- What's it like? - Bit like Kraftwerk.
Hey, I've got the demo.
D'you wanna? - I'll put it on.
- Go on.
As long as it's not shite.
(PLODDING RETRO-ELECTRONICA) I've walked all around this city But I can't find myself I've walked all around this city - Who's the singer? - That'll be me.
Sounds like, er a sulky robot.
Is it a cover of a Lisa Stansfield song? Is it buggery! It's about alienation, y'know.
Urban decay.
You still living at your mother's? Down that mews? For now.
We're gonna have these films projected on us.
We've got this loop of me, 'im and Andy dressed like mannequins going down an escalator.
And what 'appens next? Nothing.
We just go back up to the top again.
I'd spend the rest of that cash sharpish, before they come and ask for it back.
'Ere.
I've got summat for you.
It's right up your mews.
- We've had our breakfast, ta.
- (LAUGHS) Bloody hell.
Whose is it? It's yours if you want it.
I were gonna chuck it out.
- We could use it for an album cover.
- It can't draw.
Too cool.
- You just got the one? - Yeah.
We'll take it.
Sure you don't want the, ermthe ring? Nah, I can't get it off.
- You got some butter? - I'm not buttering a dead man's finger! - Shit.
- What the bleedin' hell?! - (MAN) Bye, MozI - Bastard! Look at 'im legging it.
- Who? - Stalker.
I've got a stalker.
He's a nutter.
I know.
He's chucked a tin of dressed crab through your window.
- He having a go at you? - No, he's Tesco home delivery (!) - (THUMPING FROM BELOW) - Oh, shut up, you old biddy! D'you think I'm putting me own window through? Oi! You're the loser! I'm keeping that crab.
Ow! God, me favourite finger! Cheers, mate.
You up for a bit of broccoli? - It's all right.
It's a vegetable, innit? - You ever tried purple sprouting broccoli? - I wouldn't want to.
- See, I think you might like it.
Let me tell you about it.
It needs a compost that's compact Come to think of it, yes, I've tried it.
- Did you like it? - No.
- You might have had a bad batch.
- No.
It were a good batch.
You know what, it were a great batch.
In fact, it was the winning batch at the World Purple Sprouting Broccoli Championships! I just fuckin' hated it! You see, it's nice with a bit of crab.
Jesus! - What happened to your fingers? - I'm allergic to veg.
You hear about them murders? People getting their hands cut off.
- Yeah, well, I've got a name for them.
- I know, I know! The Handjob Murders.
No.
The Wank Spanner Killings.
- China.
Well good to see ya.
- Hiya, Moz.
- Are you all right? - No.
It's Cartoon Head.
Well, it's really good that you come here.
What's happened to your hands now? - A nutter threw some crab through me window.
- And it pinched ya? No, it were a tinned one.
I'm havin' a really bad day meself.
'Ello.
'Ey.
Have, er you ever tried, erpurple sprouting broccoli? Yeah.
It's all right.
I told you.
There's a big significance between the difference of the shrub Soz, Derrick.
China sort of needs a bit of time to herself now.
Oh, aye? Shall we go down the Horses, then? No.
China sort of needs a bit of time to herself with me.
- I don't wanna spoil your evening.
I should go.
- You're fine.
Oh, Jesus.
Derrick, look at this.
Oh, fella, you've gotta see this.
Oh, my God! What? Thank God he's gone.
Bloke just won't take a hint.
He's got no subtlety to him at all.
(MUSIC: SLIPSTREAM'S ''EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING'') I wish I could feel Everything Thanksfor being friendly.
I always say you can't be too friendly.
- God, what a mental day.
- Oh, I know.
(SIGHS) Think I justneed to cry.
But I'm worried that if I start, I won't be able to stop.
Go on.
Fill your boots.
(GUNSHOTS) (ANNE ROBINSON ON TV) Round fourI You're up to £1,000.
(SIGHS) God, I needed that.
Sorry.
It's all right.
Neighbours are used to it by now.
Cartoon Head's been acting really weird.
First off, he was spewing up all night.
- How does that work with the mask? - Don't ask.
It's like soup coming through a sprinkler system.
Today he's been saying somebody'd poisoned him.
I don't know what to do.
- Dump him.
- I still care about him.
- Dump him.
- I want him to be all right.
Dump him.
I hardly know anything about him.
I meandoes he have a job? - What, you don't know? - What? - He's a hit man, i'nt he? - Seriously? You think he works in a bank with a face like that? Yeah (!) He'll take out one man for a grand.
Two men for a grand and a half.
Family rates on request.
God, I never knew.
Hit man I wonder if that's why he finds it difficult to commit.
I used to find it difficult to commit, but I realised that committing to someone doesn't mean that you're stuck with them.
He seems so sad.
There's been so much unhappiness andtragedy in his life.
Yeah.
He has caused most of it himself, mind.
You're right.
I shouldn't go back to 'is tonight.
No, you shouldn't.
Don't give 'im the satisfaction.
I just feel so vulnerable.
I know you do.
'Ave a biftah.
No, you're all right.
You keep it.
I'll roll us another fat one.
(TINKLY MOBILE RINGTONE) - It's Cartoon Head.
- It's probably best you don't answer it.
- I should do.
- You shouldn't.
- I'd better.
- I wouldn't.
Dump 'im.
Hello.
What do you want? No, II'm sorry.
(SHE GIGGLES) Thanks, Moz.
- You're a mate.
- Mm.
Ten minutes of Frogger .
.
and then I'll have a jodrell.
- It's not that easy.
- (MAN) Dump 'im.
- But I still care about him.
- Dump 'im.
- I want him to be OK.
- Dump 'imI Look, I gotta go.
(CHIRPY VIDEO GAME THEME) Hey up, it's Thoroughly Mullered Millie.
You're back early.