Ideal (2005) s03e06 Episode Script

The Set Up

- Will you marry me? - Oh, yes.
Have you been telling people you're a Christian? Nicki.
If you ask me, you're better off without China.
I'm going to arrest Stemroach, send him down for 20 years.
Dickhead, what you doing? Ye shall be baptised.
E's, 2,000.
Mostly Willy Wonkas and X-Men, plus a few Captain Cavemans.
Two thousand E's? What's going on? Is Mum coming down for the weekend? - I need you to sell them for us.
- Oh, no.
You know me.
Mr "I'm not selling disco biscuits to teeny mong jobs".
Just one sale.
The lot.
One customer.
Stemroach.
Feller, I can't.
All I need is to nab him in possession of a load of Wonkas.
That's why I need you to hand them to him personally.
I know you're upset because he nicked your bird, but please, don't involve me in your plans.
Don't involve yourself.
Stemroach is hardcore gangster.
He superglues masks onto people's faces.
He has folk killed.
He tortures them.
And just before they die, he pulls out both their eyes and he shows them to each other.
He's He's a baddie.
You help me - or I'll bust you.
- You can't bust me.
Anyway, if you do, I'll bust you right back for supplying.
Who are they gonna believe? James Bond or the man with the golden gut? So, Moz, how many E's did you say you were selling? Two thousand.
Yeah.
How much do you want for them? - I don't know.
- Moz.
How much? That's all I want to know, Moz.
How much are you selling the E's for? Oh, shit! Hi, hi.
All right, Brian? I thought you'd have a new boyfriend with you.
No.
I told you.
I'm going out with Luke.
He's me soul mate.
Me life partner.
Yeah, but that were yesterday.
By today, I assumed you'd be breaking in a new life partner.
Face it, Brian, when it comes to relationships, you're as shallow as a dimple.
For your information, you are talking to a mature, responsible adult.
Ooh, pills! Yum, yum, yum, yum.
Oh, I'll take five, no six.
Seven? No, six, that's it.
Put them back.
They're not for sale.
They're display only.
Mmm.
You are such a tease.
Would you mind getting that for us, with your youthful legs? Look at me.
Jeeves.
- Hi, hi.
- Hiya.
Is Moz in? He's confined to the kitchen.
- Hiya.
Oh, E's.
- Yeah.
Look, but don't touch.
- Sell us some E's.
- No.
I need cheering up.
Since Felix left me, I've lost all me vitality.
- Sell us some E's.
- I can't.
He's gone all moral since he found "Jeesu".
I'm soz, Jen.
They're not for sale.
Sell us one for Nicki's hen night tonight.
You've gotta.
- No.
- You've gotta.
You've gotta.
- You've gotta.
- Look, Jen.
I ain't gotta do anything.
If I want, I can spend the rest of me life sitting through there watching Murder She Wrote.
That's how I know I'm living in a free country.
You're not going to sell us any weed, either? - Yeah, course I will.
- Oh, right.
Oh, I just thought, you know, now that you're a Christian I am not a Christian! - Got that? - Yeah, right.
- Nicki? It's Alan and Marco.
- Who? - Builders.
Oh, God.
I thought Elephant Man had come in for a sec.
Good morning.
Are you allergic to nuts or have you been on fire? Wasps did it.
They're God's creatures, just like us.
I know.
I used to have a jumper with black and yellow stripes.
- I had one with black and red stripes.
- Like a ladybird.
BOTH: Except with stripes.
So how is the old face feeling? - Much better, thank you.
- Yeah? It looks much better.
- Do you want that post - No, thanks.
- It's an e-mail.
- We shan't disturb you further.
You must carry on with your Christian counselling.
Oh, yeah! Right.
It's, uh, our Wednesday support group thingy.
Do you find Wednesdays difficult? Oh, yeah.
It's right up there in the top seven.
Thanks for helping us maintain the illusion.
It's much appreciated.
Jenny? Since Felix left me, I find Wednesdays very difficult.
Will you take that all down to the van, please, Marco? - I still don't understand why we have - Please, Marco! Don't create, just do as you're told.
Oh, Lord.
I know I'm not worthy of your forgiveness.
I've committed terrible sins.
And another thing about Wednesdays is that you're still not feeling the benefit of last weekend, but then you still got a good few days to go before the next weekend.
Kill me now.
So, how long are Dr Phibes and his mate staying in your bog? It'll be weeks before they're finished.
You know what it's like when you've got builders in.
It's like being haunted.
You notice that stuff's been moved, but you've no proof that owt's actually been done.
I don't know what they've done to the boiler, but hot water is becoming a distant memory.
Another thing is that there's nothing good on telly on Wednesdays.
Oh, except for that thing with what's-his-name.
Oh, what's his name? Oh, no.
That's on Thursdays.
Ta.
I've broken the Sixth Commandment and have contravened local authority building regulations.
- Do you fancy a cuppa? - Uh, no, thank you.
- We're off.
Just collecting our tools.
- Off? You mean you're going? You can't go just yet.
I've got no hot water.
Boiler needs fixing.
- Does it? Should I have a look? - Leave it, Marco.
We'll come back and finish it another time.
You can't leave us with no hot water.
I mean to say, God wouldn't stop for a rest, would he? Unless it were a Sunday, which it isn't, 'cause it's Wednesday.
Please fix me boiler before you go.
Hey.
Who fancies a prayer? We have another job to go to.
Don't create.
Another job? You can't leave me with a broken boiler.
Me wedding's coming up.
I was planning on washing.
Surely that contravenes local authority building regulations.
No, not at all.
Mrs Rupani wants us at her flats in Castlefield.
- Which ones are those? - We'll recognise them when we get there.
Oh Mrs Rupani.
Correct.
How is the refurbishment progressing? It's not, not now they're off doing this other job for you.
Another job? For me? Yeah! In them flats belonging to you in Castlefield.
I have no flats in Castlefield.
- My mistake.
- Return to work, please.
Who owns these flats in Castlefield? They were going to leave everything half-done.
Typical shoddy born-again workmanship.
If you have any more problems, call me.
Do not hesitate.
I won't hesitate.
Not even for a second.
Thank you.
The sooner it is finished, the sooner I can increase your rent.
Goodbye, Mr Moz.
Can I get either of you a cuppa? MARCO: Oh, yes No! Thank you.
Biscuits? MARCO: Oh No! Thank you.
Are we still going to Moz and Nicki's wedding? No.
That marriage is doomed.
Why? Because, if you ask me, Moz is a druggie, and drugs, Marco, will destroy any marriage.
Like they destroyed your marriage.
Me and Carol couldn't have been happier, then she started going raving, taking E's, popping joints.
She was lost to me, Marco.
She was lost to the world.
She used to work on the till in Lidl's.
What does she do now? Runs a bar in Ibiza.
Completely thrown her life away.
STEMROACH: What have you got? E's.
Two thousand.
Interesting.
What kind? Um, mainly Willie Wonkas, and some some Bridget Jones, and a few Captain Corellis.
That's not like you, Moz.
Thought you only sold weed.
Yeah, well, times change.
People change.
Leopards change their spots.
Nice trophy.
Do you play golf, Moz? More of a mountain bike man, meself.
- You can have it if you want it.
- Don't mind if I do.
You can't have too many blunt instruments.
- Have you tried them then, these E's? - Me? Yeah.
Last night.
- They're well wicked.
- How much? Hundred quid? How much? How much? - Fifty quid? - Stop arsing about, Morris.
How much? Two hundred.
You do realise that I can get a grand and a half for them.
Come on.
Well, you're a mate, aren't you? I want to see you make a profit on them.
I'll give you 600.
That's all I've got on me.
- Done deal.
- You should haggle, Moz.
It's like the money don't matter to you, Morris.
I just want shot of them.
I mean, China said it's not my thing.
I'm up here dealing garden produce.
Look after these, son.
Okey-dokey.
Moz, we'll see ourselves out.
Afternoon, Stemroach.
- What's all this then? - Thought I'd bust you, like.
Oh, did you now? Moz.
This anything to do with you? I've been set up.
Right, then, Stemroach.
Ready for the off? Ready when you are, con-stab-able.
I don't think they're drugs.
And they're not weapons, they're tools.
- That aren't mine.
- I won't forget this, Moz.
You'll be hearing from me, Moz.
You'll be hearing from me.
I could come and visit you.
No, wait.
You're not with them, are you? No.
No, I'm not.
All right, China.
All the best.
Well, looks like you got the rest of the day to yourself, then.
He really loved you, you know.
- Stemroach? - No, the plodster.
- You went and broke his heart.
- Where did I go wrong? Maybe it was when you appeared in that porno, and then copped off with his archenemy.
You know, some blokes are a bit old-fashioned like that.
- You have to accept me for what I am.
- What, a porn star? No.
That was a mistake.
I know that now.
Enrique.
Hi.
Yeah? How much are they offering? Interesting.
- Bye, Moz.
- Yeah.
Oh, Lady Nicola.
How was Cardiff? Not bad.
I feel a lot more centred.
I bought some shoes.
Thought you might have wanted to stay longer.
Well, I'm going out for my hen night tonight, aren't I? - So, have I missed much? - Nowt that sticks in me mind.
Why is hen night called a hen night when hen are not eaten? Nobody really knows.
All right, Kuldip? Long time no see.
All right? You know who he reminds me of? Your baby.
Yeah.
I'll catch you up.
How are you? Gently shocked.
Didn't know you were back.
I came straight from the airport.
What? They run a shuttle service for frequent stoners, do they? Thanks for all your letters, and the photos of baby Sanjeev.
- I'm off for a girlie night out.
- Oh, aye.
What's the special occasion? Oh, it's nothing special, really.
Will you meet me for a coffee tomorrow morning? 10:30? Lattefacts? Oh, it's changed hands.
It's called Panini Meenie Minie Mo now.
Just think about it, yeah? Oh, what am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? - What are you doing? - Nothing.
What are you doing? - Nothing.
You stood still out here? - Yeah, well, I'm going now.
Goodbye.
Don't run off with Chippendales, will you? You are weird.
Sorry.
You look a bit sad.
I'm a lot sad.
Do you fancy coming in for a cheer us up? Oh, no.
I mean, yes.
Sorry.
So what's making you sad, if it's all right to ask? Um, if you're not all right I mean, if it's not all right to ask, don't worry.
Sorry.
Day after tomorrow, I'm getting married.
But that's a happy thing, isn't it? - Isn't it a happy thing? - Well, yeah.
You see, once I take those marriage vows, I'm going to stick to them.
I'm going to commit to Nicki for as long as we both do live, in sickliness and in ugliness.
That's really lovely, Moz.
Yeah, it is.
But in order for that loveliness to blossom, summat has to die.
And that summat is my bachelordomhood.
And I think when summat dies, it's really important to give it a right proper send-off, don't you? Um, I'm not sure I Sorry.
You're still very special to me, Judith.
You know that, don't you? Are you asking me to sleep with you in a sort of ceremonial way? Yeah.
It'll give you closure.
I didn't know I needed closure.
Sorry.
Well, you do, you do.
Oh, right.
I'm sorry.
Closure's brilliant.
You're gonna love it.
- Um, what about Nicki? - She's gone out with all her mates on her hen night.
- She didn't even invite me.
- Oh.
I don't want to be taken advantage of.
Of course not.
- I want you to take advantage of me.
- Oh Right.
Sorry.
Um And, as an added bonus, it will prove to me that your necrophilia ways are over and you've stopped taking geezers from freezers.
I've I've told Sorry.
Nicki? - Guess again, Morris.
- Paul! What the fuck are you doing playing Starsky and Hutch - in me vestibule? - Unfinished business, Morris.
You might want to go home, love.
This is man stuff.
- Should I phone the police? - No.
No.
Chatting with police has got him in enough trouble as it is.
- Hasn't it, Morris? - It's all right, Judith.
Best go.
We'll pick up where we left off later.
You set up Stemroach.
No, Paul, I I didn't.
I swear.
Yes, Morris.
Surely we can resolve this without recoursing to gaffer tape.
Looked like Stemroach was gonna get off.
No pills on him, you see.
But he did have that golf trophy on him.
- A stolen golf trophy.
- Eh? So now he's stuck inside.
But he's not forgotten you.
He sent you a little present.
You don't mean a nice present, do you? You mean a - scary present.
- It'll be here any sec.
A hat? STEVE: No, it's not a hat.
- It's a - oi! Don't spoil it.
- You're never gonna guess what it is.
- Shut it.
You ready for your pressie? I'm a family man.
I'm getting married at the weekend.
- Please, Paul.
Please.
- Remember who you're talking to? - Psycho Paul.
- Psycho Paul! Not Reasonable Paul.
Cartoon Head, perhaps you would like to do the honours.
So, Morris, are you ready to face it? Face it? What oh, Jesus.
Jesus! It's not Nicki's head, is it? Please tell me it's not Nicki's head! Oh! You had me going there.
Could have been I thought it Shit.
That's right, Morris.
Say hello to the new you.
What about me little lad? He's not going to find it very funny if he sees his dad wearing that, is he? - He might.
- But what about Nicki? She's not going to want to get hitched to a wasp.
Should have thought about that before you started snitching and narking.
This is an impact adhesive.
So they recommend that you leave it for a few moments till it becomes properly tacky.
No.
No.
Please, no.
No! Stop! Stop! What? What is it? I've got spinach on my teeth or something? You're gonna disobey Stemroach's orders? I don't give a fuck what Stemroach wants! See, when the boss of the gang is inside, it means we can all move up a place.
It makes me the boss, and that makes Cartoon Head the leader.
- What's it make me? - A dickhead.
Shut it.
So you're not angry with me, then? Angry? No, Morris.
- We're happy.
- MOZ: Right.
Sometimes it's difficult to tell the difference, you know.
That's why we come round, to say thanks and to have a bit of a celebration.
You shouldn't have gone to so much trouble.
A few cans of lager and some Kettle Chips would have done me.
Porky scratchlings? - Should we untape you? - MOZ: If it's not too much trouble.
Me arse has gone to sleep.
Psycho Paul, you're a gent.
STEVE: I'm thinking of calling meself Psycho Steve.
What about Steve Danger? Or Steve Mental? Stevel Knievel, the The one with no point.
God! I thought tonight were gonna turn into a total nightmare.
Have to admit, it's turned out tolerable again.
Moz? Why can't I get this off? 'Cause it's full of super glue.
I'm really, really angry about this.
Sorry.
Stop being so aggressive! Will you marry me? We could start a new life.
One word and you'll be out of this flat in a heartbeat.