Ideal (2005) s03e07 Episode Script

The Crabs

Will you marry me? Oh, yes.
Ye shall be baptised.
You lost your mate? JASON: Yeah, he's just vanished.
Will you meet me for a coffee tomorrow morning? That's right, Morris.
Say hello to the new you.
Hush, hush, Judith.
It's no use.
It's completely stuck.
Why has this happened? Well, there must've been phenomenal advances in the field of super glue.
I meant, why did you have it here in the first place! It was Psycho Paul and Cartoon Head.
They were trying to freak me out, saying they were gonna stick that to me face.
I mean, thank God they didn't.
Um I mean, I wish to God they had.
Then you wouldn't be wearing it.
'Cause it's only big enough for one.
Honestly, Judith, I'd give owt for tonight not to turn out as it has.
Yeah.
And me.
Before all this happened, we were just about to, you know, get it on.
Don't suppose you're still in the mood.
Ha! What a waste.
- Ah, Sapphire and Steel.
- Hello, Moz.
We brought everything you need for your stag meal.
Cucumber, peppers, carrots, cabbage, tomatoes, bean sprouts, chard, and a new wok.
Oh, is it my turn? All right, I went to market and I bought No.
It's gone.
Hi, Moz, I bring the t-shirts of my band, Permanent Smile.
Many ta's.
Might slip into this for the wedding.
And we bring three live crab.
Well, if they're not on the guest list, they're not coming in.
It's been great to see you.
Both of you.
I wanted to show some responsibility.
Spend it how you want.
Rattles, rusks.
Oh, that is so sweet.
Wait, we're smothering Sanjeev.
Oh.
Sorry, little man.
You okay, there, between your mum and dad? Hmm? I fly back to Barcelona tomorrow.
2:00 pm.
I've already booked you a ticket.
We could start a new life.
Maybe get married.
Get away from him! Go on! Sorry.
Shh! It's all right.
You never told us you had a rock pool at your allotment.
Nah, they're from Ashworth's fishmonger's.
The only place to go if you want to pick up crabs in Salford.
Don't forget Justine's massage parlour.
That reminds me.
Who's your best man? Not having a best man.
It's more low key than that.
No bridesmaids, no speeches, no - Going back.
- You'll be fine.
It's change.
Change is good.
It's like the seasons.
Winter becomes spring, - and spring becomes - Please, please not the seasons.
- All right, Nicki, love.
- Hello, Nicki.
Hen night was fantastic night.
Yes, amazing, wasn't it? Eh, Moz's stag's gonna be more amazing.
Innit, Moz? Thought you were nipping out for coffee.
Three hours you've been down Panini Meenie Minie Mo's.
I had a double extra large cappuccino.
Lot of froth.
Oh.
Oh, Christ, what are they doing here? Oh! I hate crabs! I have dreams where they're advancing on me.
Crabs don't advance on you.
They Side-to-side on you.
Anyway, no need to worry.
I'll be looking after them.
Now, seating arrangements.
I thought we'd put our mums on different tables.
Because I do not want a repeat of the Christmas before last.
That pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey game was a farce.
I know me mum can get a bit violent, but your mum's left hook is lethal.
Specially when she's blindfolded.
I thought I'd put Cartoon Head next to Auntie Linda.
You've not invited Cartoon Head? Well, yeah, he introduced us.
About the cake, please tell me your mum's finished icing it? Yeah and I managed to save us a bit of dosh.
The top two tiers are fruit cake, but the big bottom tier isn't actually cake at all.
It's a sofa cushion with icing on it.
- People can't eat cushion.
- Ah, but that's the clever bit.
You're not supposed to eat the bottom tier.
No.
We're supposed to save it for our first anniversary.
Yeah, well, we'd be ready for a good sit down by then, won't we? I am running myself ragged here.
I asked you to sort out one thing.
Oh, well, I'm sorry I'm not fitting in with all your arrangements.
Wouldn't surprise me if you didn't have a replacement bridegroom standing by.
I thought we'd have champagne for the toast.
- Won't that make the toast soggy? - Oh, grow up.
Nicki, we can't afford champagne.
It's a function room above The Horses.
Look at it, we've got to rent the confetti, and bake with bits of couch.
I've, um, I've put some money aside.
How much? Enough for ten bottles.
Eh, mourners are gonna be in for a treat, are they? I don't think they're called mourners when it's a wedding.
I'll get it.
Jen, what's the matter? Social Services have got baby Jenny.
They've had her before, but this time they won't give her back.
Why can't they let us share? Oh, Jen.
I'm sorry.
But why? They said I'm not a fit mother.
Oh, no.
God.
It's hard to keep your figure when you've been pregnant.
I don't think that's what they meant.
Hi, Jenny.
Enjoying some time apart from baby? You'll be enjoying some time apart from your teeth in a minute, now get back in there.
Hey.
Not cooked the crabs already, have you? No.
They're still Uh Three crab have escaped.
NICKl: Right, I'm off out with Sanjeev.
Have you lost something? - Yeah, only three bloody - Contact lenses.
Three? Two are Derrick's, one of Yoko's.
Can't find any of 'em.
Really regretting buying this lino with contact lens motif.
Come on, I'll get your coat.
What's with you? Taken a chivalry pill? Right, I'm staying at Sangita's tonight.
'Cause it's bad luck to see me tomorrow morning.
It's bad luck to see you any morning.
Anyway, it'll give her a chance to talk me out of it.
Joke! Right, we're meeting at the Registry office at 12:30.
- That's half past twelve.
Got it? - Got it.
Love me? Ooh, looks that way, don't it? Yeah.
Course.
- See you at 1:30.
- 12:30! Joke, joke.
You know I don't give up easily, but sod it.
Shit! Now the wok shed its skin and got loose.
Morning, Morris.
Good night last night, wasn't it? Eh? What? When you tied us up and threatened to super glue that mask on us that ended up stuck on me neighbour? Dynamite.
- What's in boxes? - Porno.
A thousand DvDs.
Three big boxes of filth.
Shut it, bollock face! - Stick 'em in your loft, shall we? - I ain't got a top shelf up there.
Don't fret.
It's me, Psycho Paul.
And me, Stevel Kn Knievel.
What's going on in kitchen? Special occasion? It's called cooking, Paul.
It's what folk do when all the takeaways are shut.
Me and Cartoon Head have stashed them up there.
Shouldn't have any more trouble with them now.
Shut it, Sponge Bob.
What the fuck? Stop being so aggressive! Okay.
Yeah.
Sorry, Steve.
Wanna play with knives, do you? I'll show you how to play with knives.
Shall we? There's gonna be some changes in this gang.
Can you hear me? Right, get up, pair of you.
Sorry about all this fuss like.
Think nothing of it, Mr Knievel.
Get moving.
Bitches.
You might wanna pack their head in a bag of frozen peas.
You ain't got a recipe for rodent lob, have you? Good luck three-crab-feast is not just feast, Moz.
It is ceremony.
Nobody likes ceremony more than me, but can't we just stick to the eating bit? So, who've you invited, then? Shit! No, Troy, it's not compulsory.
I just thought as me brother, you might wanna come on me stag do.
But obviously I can see that going to an over-30s breakdancing burn-off in Eccles has the edge.
How's it going, matey? Everybody's either out of town, or busy, or ill, or upside down, spinning on their heads.
You've not got any takers at all? A few.
Paris Hilton, Stella McCartney, Simon and Yasmin.
The Le Bons.
Colin and Brian, that's all.
A petty thief and a big bald poof! That's one of the things your best man would have sorted out for you.
Anyway.
At least you got your A-list going.
Colin and Brian are not A-list.
They're not even D-list.
They're way, way down at the pikey end of the alphabet.
Never mind, just come and taste one of my chard balls.
Why didn't you get me a box of chocolates? I love Black Magic, me.
I've come to tidy our tools out your bathroom, and to prepare your loft for tomorrow.
I've got juice for break time.
- Praise be! - I know you're mocking us.
God knows it too.
But the truth will out, Moz.
Aye? - What you mean? - You've got a baby.
That's not allowed.
And I smell someone smoking Top.
- Top? - He means pot.
Here? Never.
One word to Mrs Rupani, and you'll be out of this flat in a heartbeat.
So you'd see a young family with a four-month-old baby out on the street, would you? That's very Christian.
Very à la Jesus.
We still got no hot water.
That bloody boiler's a dead man.
I love orange juice.
Wish I hadn't bought apple juice.
I'm sure we've all got things we wish we could change, Marco.
Have a look! Don't touch it! - What if it's more than just a crab? - A lobster.
For all we know, that thing could be Moz's familiar.
Don't you see, Marco? Moz is evil.
A Satanist, probably.
You heard him yourself.
He loves black magic.
Even has a pentagram on his t-shirt.
I think he might be a A warlock.
Heyup, lads.
What's the matter? Hey, there you are! Your familiar? Yeah, it's a crab.
Need him for tonight.
We're having a ceremony.
Come here, you little nipper.
This has gone far enough.
Making good luck three-crab-feast with one crab is bad luck.
It's this flat.
Stuff's always going missing.
Once I misplaced a bag of fish and chips.
Didn't turn up for a fortnight.
Thank God for microwaves.
If we don't find him, we can always bulk out the feast with chard.
Chard is bad luck.
I'm going for a slash.
Is that bad luck? - You're off already? - I'm off already.
Not fancy staying and make up numbers? - I'm going to see me mum.
- Bring her over if you want.
She's dead.
You're going to the cemetery? How did you know? Lucky guess? - Where's Alan? - He He must have gone.
Ignore me! Christians, Smistians.
Goodbye, Moz.
Enjoy feast.
What? The festival of bad luck? I'll give it me best shot.
Bye, love.
You going home or to the allotment? To allotment.
Course.
See ya.
- Goodbye! Hola! Hi, Col.
You all right? Yeah, I'm in love and I'm on probation.
It's the feelgood movie of the year.
How are your celebrations? Sorry, love, but it is a stag do.
So it's men only, I'm afraid.
Unless you're here in your professional capacity.
You mean, do lap dance for you? Whoa, no.
Sorry, Moz.
Carmel's given all that up.
The escort work and the lap dancing and the stripping.
Thank goodness.
We're going into business together.
What as? Sonny and Cher tribute act? We're gonna have a stall.
Doing hair braiding and henna tattoos.
I bet Alan Sugar's shitting himself.
Goodbye, Moz.
Ah, do you remember when you first fell in love with Nicki? Yeah.
I think it might be false memory syndrome.
Braiding folk's hair and giving them henna tattoos? You're a disgrace to your probation.
Everyone changes, Moz.
It's like Carmel said, I wasn't born on probation, was I? No, kicked in round about your 12th birthday, didn't it? Yeah.
- You all right, Moz.
- All right, Jason.
Not brought the Le Bons with you, I suppose? You've not seen Lee, have you? Lee? No.
Not since we were around here with you the other night.
What is it? Musical differences? Or musical indifferences? Bastard's done a bunk.
Just when Silicone valets are getting loads of success and attention.
He might have been feeling trapped.
Could have been worse.
Could have been your drum machine that vanished.
- Can you put everything on hold? - Record label won't let us.
Single shot to number 44.
Top thirty in all but numbers.
Loads of gigs lined up.
Promotional stuff and that, so I'm gonna have to take over.
I'm singing lead vocals and I'm playing the Minimoog.
Not both at the same time though, obviously.
- God, no.
- You're only human.
All I've got to do is stay sane.
That's all I've got to do.
I'll write a song about it.
That's what I'll do.
I'll write a song.
Here I am Living in a metal thing Here I am Living in a metal thing Here I am Living in a metal thing oh Lord, if you think I'm doing the right thing, just give me some kind of sign.
Hi, hi.
Sorry we're late.
Have we missed owt? What's to miss? I hope you like food that's been cooked by Derrick.
Hmm, I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Perverts.
A sacrifice, here.
This could just be a turn of phrase.
Oh Lord.
I don't mean to doubt you, just Just give me a different sign, please! Filth.
Filth.
Filth.
Sin, everywhere! Considering this is all stuff I don't actually like, it's delicious.
Is there any more of the tofu? Yeah, hang on.
Mmm-mmm, he's not helpless.
I'll do it for him.
Here.
A toast to Moz, and his decision to spend the rest of his life with Nicki.
COLIN: To Moz.
And Nicki.
I've prepared a little speech.
Oh, shut up, man.
Hello.
Look who it is.
Too late to cook 'em now, though.
Cook 'em? Never! These two have a much more noble destiny.
Let crab battle commence! Do it.
Come on, do it.
Do it, do it, do it.
You fancy smoking some top? Listen, I need to say something.
Yeah, me too.
Um, I'll go first.
Luke, will you marry me? Take your breath away, haven't I? It's all right, you don't have to say yes right off.
We can have a snog first.
This is really bad timing.
You see, what I wanted to say was, um, I think we should spend some time apart.
I don't want to.
I think it's a really good idea.
- I don't want to.
- Yeah, I've thought about this a lot.
I don't want to.
I want to get married.
- Try the ring on.
Put it on.
- Just don't.
I'm sorry, it's me.
I'm not suited to long-term relationships.
I think I prefer a string of one-night stands.
Oh, that is so shallow.
Anyway, you're not who I thought you were.
You're just not gay enough.
Me? Not gay enough? I am triple-choc gay, all right? I'm not just gay.
I'm M & S gay.
Right.
So, what are we doing at some bloke's stag do? You've got too many straight friends.
It brings out the contrast.
All right? The straighter the background, the gayer the foreground, everyone knows that.
Luke, I - I love you.
- I'm sorry, Brian.
It's just not working.
I'll see you sometime.
I see Luke's gone.
Dumped him, eh? Eh? Why not try out Jason as your next apprentice? He's drunk and he's got enough hair for the pair of you.
Luke's dumped me.
Pre-emptive dump? That smarts.
I miss him, Moz.
He was scrummy: Come on, what can I do to cheer you up? Who's being your best man? Nobody.
I'm not having one.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm gonna do an hilarious speech.
Moz: Fucking hell.
It's Luke.
He's seen sense.
I'm gonna forgive him.
Oh, hi, hi.
Nicely, nicely.
Come in.
Hiya, Moz.
Bad time? Good time? Could get gooder.
What about Nicki? She's staying at her mate's tonight.
Won't be back till morning.
I do like a free agent.
Free and easy.
Hello, sis.
Hiya, how are you? I'm on probation.
How's Mum and Dad? Don't know.
I was gonna ask you.
Never mind.
Fuck 'em.
To be honest, tonight's been a complete shower.
They're a bunch of pathetic, boring retards.
I honestly wish I'd invited somebody else's friends.
Come in here.
I'll put a smile on your face.
COLIN: Moz, we're having a crab race.
Come on, you wouldn't wanna miss it.
No, not for anything.
Let's go mingle with mingers.
Bloody delicate, aren't they? Of course.
Thank you.
What do you mean, low battery? No! All I want is one call.
Please just one call.
Shit Thanks for the signs, Jesus.
The t-shirt and all the talk of black magic and sacrifices.
And the pornography.
Thanks.
I was just wondering if you could possibly give me just one last sign, if you've got time.
Jesus.
Is that you, Lord? Of course it is.
Where do you think I get this golden glow from? Ready Brek? Sorry.
I didn't mean to doubt you.
You're certainly right about that Moz bloke.
Drugs, pornography, black magic.
He's taking the fucking piss.
Do you really think you should use those words? I can use any word I want, actually, pal, all right? Sorry, Jesus.
You were saying You know what's gotta be done, don't you? Something drastic.
Yeah.
Come on, come on, come on! - COLIN: No! No! No! No! - Come on, come on, come on.
- Come on, crabby, you're catching up.
- Come on, come on! Yes! Yes! Yeah, yeah.
Ahem! Hey.
What a way to spend your last night of freedom.
Surrounded by your mates, beautiful girl on your arm and a winning wager on an eight-legged stallion.
- I feel so alive.
- Get off! He has to die, Alan.
Moz has to die.
Moz has to die.
Yeah, just said that.
- Sorry, Jesus.
- It's okay.
She's told you she's moving out to Barcelona with me.
Ain't she? What's the best way to cancel a wedding? Where the fuck have you been? Sorry, Steve.
He told me to destroy you.