Ideal (2005) s03e08 Episode Script

The Wedding

My little Morris getting married.
I fly back to Barcelona tomorrow, I've already booked you a ticket.
There's gonna be some changes in this gang.
It's just not working.
I'm sorry, Brian.
You've not seen Lee, have you? Not since he were round here with you the other night.
- Why can't I get this off? - Cause it's full of super glue.
Is that you, Lord? Moz has to die.
Moz has to die.
You may now kiss the bride.
No.
No.
Oh, shit.
Oh, it's going to be fine, fella.
It's gonna be fine.
I mean, what have you got to worry about? Mmm.
Moz.
The thing is, whether we did, or we didn't.
We didn't.
You couldn't get the pencil in the sharpener.
Ah, but, thing is Sorry.
It's new from Givenchy.
What? They're doing mace now and all? What I am saying is, okay, we didn't sharpen pencil.
But the intention was there.
So, that means I shouldn't be marrying Nicki.
I've got to call the wedding off.
I've got to.
She'll understand.
You're a woman.
What's least hurtful? Ringing and telling her or just not turning up? Or maybe sending a text.
A text! Moz, you can't not turn up to your own wedding.
Sends out all the wrong messages.
What about last night? What message were we sending then? We were having a laugh.
That's all.
But today you are getting married.
And so the laughter has to stop.
Oh.
Hello, love.
Just thought I'd check everything's okay.
Are you wearing perfume? Just a light dusting on me corneas.
Good morning.
- Who's this? - Tania, hi.
Tania is me hairdresser.
Your hairdresser? I booked her special.
You want me to look me best for my big day.
I'm thinking we should use some product.
Now, there's a few different ways we can go: There's gel, obviously.
Oh, obviously, gel.
Moz was thinking mousse.
But, I want him to try some hair fudge.
But, I've only just finished my breakfast.
Can me and Morris have a private word? Of course, I'll stick the kettle on.
What's going on? What? What? - Tania.
- Yeah? I remember you now.
Went out with Morris a year or so back.
That's right, yeah.
Came around mine, once or twice.
I think we did, yeah.
Yeah, about the time me barometer went missing.
Barometer what? Luckily for you, I found another one on eBay.
Don't know what you're talking about.
You're a thieving little cow.
And now, you're trying to steal Morris off Nicki? No.
No, I've been saying he should turn up for the wedding.
That's ever so good of you.
Think this fudge is on the turn.
Your hairdresser's just leaving.
- Aren't you, love? - Yeah.
Have a smashing day.
Love to Nicki.
Cheers.
Thanks for all your follicle work.
You better get a move on.
Don't want to keep Nicki waiting.
Thing is, Mum, I've been having second thoughts.
I don't think it's the right thing to do.
Not the right thing to do? Do you know how much this outfit set me back? I'll see you there in one hour.
No excuses.
Focus, Moz.
Focus.
Be of the marriage.
But not in the marriage.
Steve.
Paul.
Cartoon Head.
See you gone back to classic two-ear line-up.
I let him stick it back on again with Sellotape.
Good as new like.
Yeah, but look, lads, it's me wedding day, so I'm a bit pushed for time.
Said I'd meet Nicki at Registry office by 12:30.
Or else I forfeit me testicles.
Isn't marriage uncool? No.
So shut it.
Course.
Sorry, Steve.
Bitches, get up in that loft and get me six of them porn DvDs.
Moz.
We're going in the kitchen.
Tea? Coffee? Or will you join me in a valium? So how's the gang, then? Now it's under new management.
This This is just a hug, innit? It's not a mafia thing? It's not the hug of death, is it? - Moz, what have I done? - Hey? Cartoon Head and Psycho Paul.
What have I done? You've got two of Manchester's biggest psychopaths under control, that's what.
Now you can teach them to use the dog in them for good instead of evil.
What was I thinking, hitting people? Cutting off Cartoon ears.
I'm never going to be able to keep this up.
I'm not Stevel Knievel.
But they think you are.
Listen, fella, you can't show any weakness right now.
'Cause if you do, then they'll kill you.
Are you allergic to knocking? You don't just walk in on Stevel Knievel.
Not if you value your lugholes.
- Anything else you need, Steve? - Yeah.
I need to say sorry.
I should never have done it.
I don't know what came over us.
Paul.
I want you to be the leader again.
Are you sure, Steve? Yeah, I'm sure.
STEVE: Can we still be mates? No, no.
No! Bye, Morris.
We're off.
Don't wash it up, then.
Hi, hi.
Not forgotten I was coming, had you? Thought you'd be keeping an eye out for me.
Please don't say that.
Now, Nicki's phoned us up to give me explicit instructions - on how to boss you about.
- I'll be honest with you.
I could do with some support.
Me, too.
- I want my Luke back.
- Stop thinking about yourself.
As best man, it's your duty to make sure everything runs smoothly for me.
On this, my special day.
I'm soz, Moz.
What's the best way to cancel a wedding? Phone call, text, or non-appearance? Moz, there's no way you're calling it off.
Not when you see these gorgeous outfits I got you to try on.
But I don't want to look like A gay D'Artagnan.
Oi, this is queer eye for the scally guy.
So, come on, get moving.
Just give it a spin.
Nothing up my left sleeve, nothing up my right.
Nothing between your ears.
Come on, get a move on.
Go a bit Duran Duran on it.
Come on, push it up a little.
It's fucking Miami Vice.
Now this is a suit that can be enjoyed by any persuasion.
- Mmm.
- Ready for the off, then? You need to have a quick shower first.
You smell like a pub carpet on New Year's Day.
Hey, what about the barnet? Thought about hair fudge? I've thought about nothing else.
Come on.
Dear Lord, please answer my prayers in this darkest hour of need, in thine infinite mercy.
Amen.
Oh, heyup, it's the fuzz.
Why weren't you at my stag do? I got stuck down at the station.
I tried to sneak out toilet window, but I got caught.
- Won't miss your wedding, though.
- I think I might.
I can't go through with it.
I don't want to break Nicki's heart, but every fibre of me being is screaming "Don't go to the Registry office.
" "Run.
Run away.
Go to " "Go to Chester zoo.
" - Chester zoo? - For example.
Don't have to be Chester zoo, it could be anywhere.
As long as I can see penguins being fed.
I'll see you and Nicki down there.
I got a spot of work to do first.
Missing persons search.
One of your customers, as it goes.
Lee Trafford.
What? Lee from Silicone valets? What are you bothering looking for him for? If there's one less pretentious musician in town, I don't know about you, but I'm enjoying the elbow room.
We're treating it as suspicious.
Just before he vanished, he got a big cash advance from his record label.
He's going to be off spending it, then.
Probably miles away.
Here I am Living in my metal thing So, you and China back together again? Haven't you heard? She got religion.
Well, she's going out with a vicar.
Bloody hell.
So, it's born-again, not porn-again.
Anyway, fella, best of luck.
I know, you don't want a best man and all that, but me offer still stands.
If there's owt you need, just let us know.
Come on, you two lovebirds, break it up.
Time waits for no Manc.
If I let you arrive late, what sort of best man would I be, eh? What's he mean? Brian brought some suits for me to try on.
Yeah.
I see.
I'll best leave you to it then.
I'll try and pop down later on, but, like I said, got a lot on today.
But I'm not going through with it.
There's going to be nowt for you to not turn up to.
Come on, lets get you in your red romper suit.
Brian, it's not going to happen.
You don't know how lucky you are.
I begged Luke to marry me.
Yeah, and I'm gonna beg Nicki not to marry me.
- Oh, come on.
- Get off.
- Leave it.
- No.
I'm trying to run a business here.
Hiya, Moz.
Is Nicki in? No.
But it's good to see the nuclear family is back together again.
Oh, yeah.
Big time.
- It's total destiny, innit? - Yeah, I suppose.
Hi, hi.
I believe you already know Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.
I like your cufflinks.
Yeah, they're mother of pearl.
- What you mean, they're clams? - No.
- Can you sell us an eighth? - There isn't time.
Course there is.
There's all the time in the world.
Glad you managed to get Baby Jenny back from Social Services.
- Ah, but did I? - Did you what? Did I get Baby Jenny back? You see, I think they've given me the wrong one.
The wrong baby? Surely you can tell.
Has she got any distinguishing marks? Says Nike on her t-shirt.
Anything else? Well, her hair's the same colour.
Pretty much.
Oi, Ron Weasley, is it your daughter or not? Babies all look the same, don't they? I'm not saying that it ain't a perfectly good baby, but is it my baby? Problem is, you see, me mum's done most of the looking after.
Well, then, does your mum recognise her? My mum's got cataracts.
If I was you, I'd get down to Social Services.
See if anybody's got any swaps.
You know, I'm not gonna bother.
I think I prefer this baby.
- Should we stick with this one? - Yeah, whatever.
What are we going to call her? How about Jenny? Oh, yeah.
After me.
And Baby Jenny.
Exactly.
Well then, let's get on.
Chester zoo closes at 6:00.
Right, see ya.
Red handkerchief? Black handkerchief? Not really in the mood for tongue twisters, thank you.
I'll iron them both, just in case.
Hey, and you need to get into that suit sharpish.
Why? It'll only scare the penguins.
Kuldip.
Thought you were in Barcelona.
Spinning happy hardcore in a tapas bar.
Came back to pick up a couple of things.
Do you know where Nicki and Sanjeev are? Yeah.
On their way to the Registry office.
- Is it somebody's wedding, then? - Yeah.
Nicki's.
- And mine.
- You what? We're getting married.
You're not invited.
Now, let me see if I've missed out owt.
No.
That just about covers it.
Nice try.
She's told you she's moving out to Barcelona with me, ain't she? She's not on her way to the Registry office.
She's going to the airport.
Flight leaves at 2:00.
Listen here, Shortboy Tall.
You're just kidding yourself.
It might interest you to know that every week she sent me a letter and a photo of Sanjeev.
Has she? Well, riddle me this.
Why don't you fuck off? Moz: Right.
Well, that settles it.
The wedding's off.
Oh, will you give it a rest? You love Nicki, Nicki loves you.
You're gonna get married and live haphazardly ever after.
She don't love me.
She loves Kuldip.
Going to live with him in Barcelona.
The life of sun, Euros and bubbly architecture.
Is anybody else actually going to this wedding? Or am I going to be there on me tod? How could she let me down like this? Oi, you spent your morning planning to let her down.
Yeah, well, things have changed.
If she's not going to be there, then I definitely am.
Man left standing at the altar.
Result! Do you realise the potential number of sympathy shags I could be looking at? We're talking Some.
Oh.
Moz, are you all right? Nearly cut my bloody ear off.
I'm gonna have to tape it back on Cartoon Head style.
It's a non-religious service, I can't have a stigmata.
It hurts like buggery and all.
Nothing hurts quite like buggery.
- Oh.
- Hang on.
Ah.
Try that on.
The builders have totally screwed up the hot water.
None for days and then this.
It's yellow, it stinks like piss.
And it's barely lukewarm.
What? All right, Judith? How's tricks? I'm still wearing the mask.
Yeah I can tell.
Did you not go down to A & E? Of course I did.
Sorry.
And It wouldn't come off.
The doctor said he'd never encountered a super glue like it.
He poured an anti-adhesive through my eyeholes.
Did you sting? Did it sting? No, but it could take days to loosen.
So I thought I'd go back to work.
But Mr Barker sent me home.
He said that mourners shouldn't be attended to by a giant wasp.
He might have something there.
Um, you could come over for a A sympathy shag.
Who's the sympathy for? You or me? I don't mind! I'd love to, Judith.
But, I I've got to get to me wedding ceremony.
To get dumped.
I could be back in half hour.
You know what? You either come and sleep with me now, or it's over between us.
Well? After we've made love, you wouldn't devour me, would you? Oh, forget it! Sorry.
Tell you, Moz, when you got that suit on you look like the devil himself.
So? You know what the devil looks like, do you? The groom's actually wearing red, so you might want to rethink your look.
If you're another contender for best man, I should warn you, I've already beaten off a couple this morning.
Don't make me get Queensberry on your ass: This place is a cesspit.
Everyone who comes through that door is either a criminal, or a drug taker, or a pervert.
And you are a homosexual.
Has there been an England match on? How'd you get in? Slept in your loft last night.
This ain't the YMCA.
Hope you left your room as you'd wish to find it.
Honestly, Brian, all morning it's been, "We're in a rush.
"We're running out of time.
We've got to get going.
" But apparently there's plenty of time for you to have a quick bondage session.
I only wish I could believe that.
Anybody else smell paraffin? Take that.
I've seen what goes on inside these four walls.
I've seen it all.
Sex.
Drugs.
Pornography.
Yeah, well, it's not all positive.
Anyway, what gives you the right to judge? It's not me who's judging you, Moz.
No.
No.
You'll have to answer to a far higher authority.
- Mrs Rupani? - No.
- Mr Rupani? - No.
The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
Three against one? That's not very Christian.
You turned away from God.
That's why you have to die.
It's God's will.
He told me to destroy you.
If God told you to jump into the canal, would you do that and all? I'd assume he'd have his reasons.
Well, hang on there, Darth Maul.
Let me get this clear.
God is going to condemn me to eternal damnation for not believing in His infinite mercy.
- Yes.
- Bollocks.
Nicki, you look You look beautiful.
And angry.
Where the fuck have you been? It's not what it looks like.
It's not a gay bondage session and it's not a prayer meeting.
You must all be purified.
Oi! This is my wedding day.
I don't know what you been playing at mucking about with the builders.
And I don't care.
You promised me that you wouldn't let me down.
You promised me that you'd be there on time.
And you promised me that you'd help.
I don't want to hear any excuses.
I am royally pissed off with the pair of you.
Why not cut your losses, then? There's still time for you to catch your flight to Barcelona.
- What? - There's me Getting ready for me wedding.
New suit, choice of handkerchiefs, Hair in fudge.
Even thinking about booking us a honeymoon at Chester zoo.
And who should call by to pick you up, but Kuldip? I was never gonna go with him.
I wonder how he got the impression that you were.
Oh, yeah.
Probably you, sending him letters and pictures all the time.
I was scared that you would never accept Sanjeev.
And that you didn't want to bring him up.
I just wanted Kuldip to stay in touch with his son.
I got the notion he's been touching a lot more than that.
Nicki.
- Nicki.
- What? All right, maybe I can't ever really be Sanjeev's dad, but at least I can be his flatmate.
I mean Get off me, you pest.
Oh.
Do you think he's dead? He's fallen on his head.
Or to be more precise, my head.
Oh.
Hi, hi.
Oh well.
Looks like we've missed the boat for the Registry office.
Well, fancy going down The Horses? Skip straight to the reception? Nicely, nicely.
Ain't got anything else planned.
Here I am Living in my metal thing Here I am