Ideal (2005) s04e03 Episode Script

The Vodka

CH has fallen in love.
He's gone soft.
So we had to let him go.
I've not seen you in 12 years.
You're barely sat down and you're trying to sell me a stolen telly.
It's not an affair, OK? It's just sex.
Would you let me out of here now? Please! I just wanted another look at your photo.
Before the mask.
Heard of Min Yin Low? Head of t'Low triad? We decided to burn down one of his restaurants.
Smart move.
I wonder what your baby will be like when he's a man.
They reckon, don't they, the most popular role models are Barbie and James Bond.
Barbie is a terrible role model.
For boys, definitely.
Mind you, Bond, I think, is a great role model.
He's a very moral man, isn't he? OK, he kills, but he has got a licence.
Maybe the world would be better if more men acted like James Bond.
Well, the roads would be a hell of a lot safer, for a start.
Right, I'm ready.
Sure you don't fancy staying here with Moz? No, ta.
I'd rather come with you on your girlie night out.
Why? You're not a girl.
We all have a feminine side, Moz.
Mine's on probation.
Sanjeev shouldn't wake up.
The inflatable room wiped him out.
All praise the inflatable room.
And don't forget to observe the smoking ban.
Goodnight, Mr Bond.
(MAKES GUNSHOT SOUND) Come on, Col.
Leave them to it.
Stay here, and we'll observe the smoking ban.
From a distance.
Er, no, ta, Moz.
Hola! Tonight .
.
you're mine.
You know, Cartoon Head, I'm glad you left that gang.
I think Psycho Paul was a bad influence.
Could I see your photo again? (SIGHS) Thanks.
Sorry.
DISTORTED MUSIC KNOCK AT DOOR (GIGGLES) Hi, Jenny.
I've got the night off.
From what? I don't know.
What is it? Spirit Devil.
Vodka, absinthe and tequila.
It's nice, isn't it? Hm.
Kills 99% of all known brain cells.
So where's your baby? My mum's looking after her.
Where's your boyfriend? She's looking after him and all.
Helping him with his geography homework.
Nicki wants me to give up smoking.
No.
Why?! Reckons it's bad for my health.
God, that is so stupid.
I said to her, life's too short to spend being healthy.
It was like talking to a brick wall.
More like a thick wall.
(BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY) Ah, you see, Moz, I can have fun with you.
Felix never wants to have any fun.
All he wants to do is play football, mug about with his mates in park.
He never wants to go dancing.
I love dancing.
Don't you? Treat it more of a spectator sport these days.
I'm all about the dancing, me.
I think the world would be a much better place if everybody just danced all the time.
Wouldn't it, though? GOLDFRAPP: Number 1 MOBILE PHONE RINGS That were really good.
How did you learn to do .
.
to do all those things? Just used my head.
No, not that bit.
I mean I mean all the other stuff.
I don't know.
I suppose I'mI'm just clever.
Nicki.
Hiya, Nicki.
I've just scored.
Moz, how could you? How could you walk round in your boxers when we got guests? Jen, I'm so sorry.
Oh, don't worry.
I've seen it all before.
Jen's just leaving.
I'm not surprised.
Night, Jen.
Hope Moz's legs don't put you off coming again.
Oh, no.
I think he's really sexy now.
Yeah.
See you soon.
You all right there, love? No, I'm not.
And you know why.
Cos it's not just you walking round half-naked, is it? I'm sorry, Nick.
You've been doing bongs.
I've been doing bongs.
Your eyes look like bullet holes in a raw sausage.
Never again.
Probablynever again.
So how was your girlie night out? I'm worried Carmel might stray.
I want to keep an eye on her.
Good.
There's nowt spices up a relationship like jealousy.
I keep thinking she's gonna dump me.
I know it's irrational.
No, it's totally rational.
She will dump you eventually.
What?! What sort of reassurance is that? I told you cos I thought you'd understand.
I understand Carmel's a gorgeous, classy escort girl who's used to mixing with high rollers, professional footballers and wealthy businessmen.
Whereas currently she's with you, a bloke named Colin.
And what you've got to offer beyond that, even a life coach'd struggle to tell you.
Carmel says I ground her.
She says I bring her down to earth.
You'd bring anybody down.
Look, Col, all I'm saying is, enjoy her while she lasts.
Cos she will dump you in the end.
Bloody hell, Moz! Hey! I'm being honest.
You should have said if you wanted me to lie.
I wish you had now I've heard the alternative.
Hey, Officer Rebus.
How do, Colin? You're not still seeing that lovely Spanish lass, are you? Course I am! I'm her permanent boyfriend.
I'm not on probation! You ginger! What did you have to interrogate him like that for? When you go after someone you're like a Jack Russell.
They reckon I'm Special Branch material.
Special needs more like.
OK, I'll see you tonight.
Hello, Nicki.
You all right? Fine, thanks.
Off to Cardiff tonight.
Are you? Oh.
How long for? Just a couple of days.
DOOR CLOSES What are you up to? Bit of a gang war kicking off.
Triads v Scallies.
You can get that for Xbox.
Top brass down station get a bit worked up about it.
Oh, you know, I leave them to it.
Who, the gangs or the top brass? Both.
Got bigger fish to fry.
Closing-down sale down at Night Of Living Bed.
Gonna buy this waterbed.
Really? Be nice for you.
You? In a waterbed? You get motion sickness every time you have a Jodrell.
Anyway, if you'll excuse me, I need to go and release the hounds.
Well, open the window this time.
It was like the Cambodian killing fields in there yesterday.
Hello, you.
Why didn't you say you were going to Cardiff? I forgot.
Why didn't you tell me you were getting a waterbed? I was going to surprise you.
Wanna come over tonight .
.
for t'maiden voyage? KNOCK AT DOOR I'll get it.
Mrs Rupani.
(LOUDLY) What a surprise! Good morning, Mr Moz.
Our boiler's still broken.
We can't go without hot water indefinitely, you know.
We've got a little A little? A little more self-respect than that.
These gentlemen are here to replace your boiler.
Ignore me.
Way ahead of you on that one.
This is my brother Jake.
I'm Jake.
It's Luke and Owen Wilson all over again.
I wouldn't go in there just yet.
Not if you value your nasal membranes.
Don't go to Cardiff.
Come over mine.
I can't.
It's Mum's birthday.
I missed it one year and she practically went into mourning.
I'm gonna miss you.
Missing you now.
Don't do this.
We agreed that it was just sex.
The minute we start missing one another it turns into something else.
Nicki, believe me, to me you represent sex.
Nothing else.
Well, I'mI'm glad to hear it.
So .
.
do you fancy popping over and giving us a quick nosh before you catch your train? Promise not to make a fuss of you.
Where's that really nice spanner? So busy day lined up, Mrs R? Or are you just gonnachill? Chill? I do not chill.
I have tenants to evict.
They disobeyed my rules and are living with a toddler and two kittens.
Hanging's too good for them.
I'm going into town to get some Crocs.
Would you like to come with me? We could have lunch at Panini Meeny Miney Mo.
Any idea when I can expect the new boiler? Soonish.
As soon as that? Right.
Best put it in my diary.
Oh aye, something seems to be up with the lights.
Could you get an electrician to have a look? When? Soon? Gonna need a bigger diary at this rate.
You may help them if you wish.
It's against union guidelines.
Why is it so heavy? Because of the weight.
Sorry.
Why are you standing there? Go and pick up my boiler.
Yeah, you, come on.
Goodbye, Mr Moz.
Pets are not allowed.
Sorry about your boiler.
So how's tricks? I've got a hospital appointment tomorrow.
With the mask doctor.
He thinks he'll be able to get it off this time, so That'll be nice for you.
What with winter coming up.
I hope CH is going to be OK about it.
Why would he be bothered? You and Cartoon Head are an item? Yes.
Is that so bizarre? No.
As a matter of fact, CH and I are very, very sorry.
Solid, solid.
Sorry.
Mind how you go.
Hello, kiddo.
Dad.
Short time no see.
Don't suppose you've got my new widescreen telly concealed about your person.
Hey? You were going to get me a widescreen TV for a tenner.
Is it in your other suit? They've only just come in.
I'm on my way there now.
Right.
And you came round to see when I could accept delivery, did you? Come on.
Hi.
Nicki, this is somebody I saw briefly when I were a little kid.
My dad.
Oh.
Oh, hello.
Keith.
I bet you Moz has told you all about me, eh? Yeah.
Nicki, love.
Smashing to see you.
Likewise, Keith.
Don't mind my dad.
He was raised by koala bears.
I say "dad".
He's not my actual, factual dad.
Keith's 100% non-biological.
A bit like you with your lad, eh? I am correct in saying that, aren't I? Quite correct.
Didn't realise this was an encounter group.
The kettle on, is it? I've got some packing to do.
Cracking bit of kit you got there, kiddo.
Shame about Mowgli, like.
Hey! Only them that have led blameless lives are allowed to come round here and criticise.
And your name's not on that list, "Dad".
I'm just off to the hospital.
Having some tests done.
It's a bit late for a paternity check.
What kind of tests? Medical ones.
And they tell you nowt.
Even if there's nowt wrong with you I bet you they still prescribe a load of expensive pills.
You couldn't sub me 40 quid till the weekend, could you? 40 quid? What are they going to prescribe? Morphine truffles? Hey, didn't you used to be an electrician? Yeah.
I never did lights, though.
They're more bother than they're worth.
See you, kiddo.
Hiya.
Carol-singing, is it? It's only October.
So Maurice, been spying on the Low triad? What have you got for us? Nowt.
I only ever see them when they come round here checking if I've got any information on you lot.
What have you told them?! Nowt! Been recruiting for t'gang.
Need someone tasty to replace CH.
Paying a visit to your new neighbour, as it goes.
That flat's always empty.
Feller by the name of Fist.
Fist? They say when they first see Fist some people wet themselves.
Hope you've brought spare undercrackers.
Oh, hello, Fist.
Is there somewhere I can change into these? Right.
That's gotta be everything.
Have you got a team of huskies? You're only going to your mum's for 48 hours.
My hair straighteners.
Hang on a minute.
Why do you need straight hair at your mum's? Hurry up.
After I drop you off I've got a hot date with this oral hygienist.
Whatever happened to Luke? I thought he was your soul mate.
He was my soul mate.
But he found out I were two-timing him with Kyle.
How did he find out? He came into t'bedroom when me and Kyle were rimming.
Why did I have to ask? KNOCKING I'll get it.
Ooh, hi-hi! Oh! Oh, hi, Jen.
You're back soon.
Am I? Er, yeah, yeah, I am, yeah.
I, er, well, I had to come back soon.
Erm, I left my beanie hat here.
You know the blue one with a red band? This one? No.
Right.
We'd better go.
Bye.
Happy hat-hunting.
See you, Jen.
See ya.
So how are you, really? I'm smashing.
I thought you might feel a bit awkward after what happened last night.
You do remember last night? Er, yeah! I had a really good shag, thanks.
Nicely, nicely.
And, um, I'd really like to do it again.
Unless you'd rather not.
No, I I rather would.
Shall we get drunk and all? Yes, we shall.
Yes, we shall.
Mmm.
(GIGGLES) There's nothing quite like a post-coital bong.
Ah, it really calms me down.
I hate to say it .
.
but it's probably best for us to stop now.
Before things get out of hand.
OK.
Are there any nights Nicki's definitely out? Thursday.
It's her pottery class.
Shall I come over then? Yeah.
(MAN GASPS) No! Why have you forsaken me? Where have you gone, Lord? Sorry, Felix.
Sorry, Nicki.
KNOCK AT DOOR KNOCKING CONTINUES Hi, Nicki.
All right? Bloody train broke down literally two minutes from Piccadilly.
I could have walked back.
Been stuck there all this time.
Wish I'd stayed here and had a drink with you and Jen.
Shit.
What? Being stuck there all that time.
Shit.
Yeah, was.
They've laid on a special bus.
It's filling up at the all-night garage so I thought I'd grab my iPod and some different toys for Sanjeev.
Is that Jenny's? What? That's two she's lost now.
What was that? I didn't hear owt.
I thought I heard the front door.
(Thank God.
) So where is Sanjeev? I left him on the coach with the deaf nun from Birmingham.
The elegant solution.
I'll give you a ring later.
See you, love.
See ya.
(EXHALES) Hiya.
Oh!! This has to be our secret.
So who are we gonna tell? No-one.
It's the sort of secret you have to keep secret.
You are seeing Moz? I am.
Who have you been shagging? Jenny.
She's thicker than a Prince Edward yoghurt! I just got back from hospital.
Tada! I'd really like us to try a threesome.
Closed Captions by CSI