Ideal (2005) s04e04 Episode Script

The Secret

Don't go to Cardiff.
We agreed that it was just sex.
I've got a hospital appointment tomorrow with the mask doctor.
He thinks he's going to be able to get it off, so This is someone I saw briefly when I were a little kid - me dad.
Why is it so heavy? Because of the weight.
I had a really good shag, thanks.
And I'd really like to do it again.
I'm not even vaguely joining your gang.
Yesyouare.
Argh! What's going on? You looked like you needed to wake up.
PHONE RINGS Hello? Hi, it's me.
H-hi, Nicki.
Are you all right? How's it going? Great, thanks.
Me and the boy are going to stay another night, if that's OK.
Hiya, Nicki.
Is that Jenny? Y-yeah.
She's round early, isn't she? Tell me about it.
Oh, is she being a total nightmare? Yeah.
Oh, be patient with her.
I know she's hard work, but deep down, she's really gorgeous.
I'll see you tomorrow, then.
Kiss Sanjeev for us.
Yeah.
Give Jenny one for me.
Will do.
THEME MUSIC I just got back from hospital.
Tada! Sorry.
They managed to prise my mask off.
Isn't it great? Do you know what's the best part about Nicki staying away longer in Cardiff? Smoking ban's lifted for another 24 hours.
Ooh! Let's have a wake-up joint.
Nicely, nicely, Vincent Pricely.
Shall I cook us some Corn Flakes? Oh, thanks.
How do you take them? Milk, bowl, spoon.
MESSAGE ALERT BEEPS Oh! Felix.
I should go.
Baby Jenny needs changing.
Do you think Felix suspects? Suspects what? Well, this.
Me and you.
Oh, no.
He don't suspect.
He knows.
He knows?! I told him.
Just like that? You weren't gonna mention it to me first? (LAUGHS) You already know.
What did he say? You know, I'm not sure he were even listening.
Jenny, this is really important.
Does Felix know or not? Well, when I told him he were playing Junior Decimator on his Xbox, maybe he weren't listening.
Maybe he don't know.
Well, please don't tell him again.
This has to be our secret.
Secrets can be a gateway to abuse.
You and me are the only ones abusing ourselves here.
So we have to keep stum, OK? So who are we gonna tell? No-one! It's the sort of secret you have to keep secret.
Aw, that's a shame, really.
It's a really juicy bit of gossip, innit? Be that as it may, we don't want to upset Felix or Nicki.
So let's just have an affair behind their backs.
What they can't see behind their backs can't hurt them in front of them.
What if I talk in my sleep? Do you talk in your sleep? I don't know.
Well, if I do, I sleep through it.
Jenny, promise you'll tell no-one.
I promise.
Oh, God.
You talking about abusing ourselves has turned me right back on.
Before I go, do you want to quickly watch me flick meself off? I'll just grab a coffee.
The scars will take a week or so to fade.
But the main thing is I can be myself again.
Sorry.
All-new Celebrity House Swap at ten tonight.
Up next, Jade Goody presents your Top Hundred Most Frequently Seen Clips.
You are happy for me, aren't you? You didn't prefer me as a wasp? Hello, Jenny.
How good to see you.
This is Kim and Miko.
Hiya.
You all right? I'm all right.
(BOTH GIGGLE) You are seeing Moz? Umyeah, I am.
(LAUGHS) But it's completely secret, so don't tell anybody who don't know, OK? You are telling me secret? Uh, totally.
(SPEAKS JAPANESE) I know! (LAUGHS) See ya.
I know you liked the mask, but everything else about me is still the same.
My arms, my legs, my boobs, my voice, my personality.
Sorry.
See you later.
DOOR SHUTS Hey.
Please tell them that ultra skunk gold is quitepokey.
Uh, yes.
This is quite pokey.
(BOTH GIGGLE) Got yourselves some ganja, girls? That's what I like to see.
(BOTH GIGGLE) Goodbye, Moz.
You're looking rather cheerful for a miserable git.
Am I? If I didn't know better, I'd say I were talking to a man with recently emptied plums.
Me? No.
(LAUGHS) Weight of sticky black.
Busted this obstetrician from Osbaldeston.
Ta.
Sowho have you been shagging? No-one.
I can tell you're lying cos you're blushing.
You'd be useless if I got you under proper interrogation.
This mind's impregnable.
Nowt gets in and out.
You'd never crack me.
I don't have to crack you, feller.
Bit of Chocolate Orange - just tap and unwrap.
You? You're hardly Robo Paxman, are you? The fact remains I am the police and I can tell you're lying.
So? Who have you been shagging? I know it's not Nicki, so who is it? How would you know it's not Nicki? I'mpolice.
Andyou was sayinga while back that Nicki were never in t'mood.
Was I? When? A while back.
Oh.
Sort of.
That were a while back.
OK.
Sorry.
Somuch more in t'mood nowadays, is she? Nah.
I don't know what's happened to us.
So who have you been shagging? One of them Japanese lasses? Both of them? Look, I can't tell you, you'll take the piss.
I won't! You'll think I've gone mad.
I won't.
Go on, tell us who it is.
Jenny.
Who? Jenny.
Who? Jenny! Jenny, Jenny?! I know! I know, I know.
Feller, she's thicker than a Prince Edward yoghurt.
OK, maybe she don't get head-hunted by pub-quiz teams.
But get her in the bedroom, suddenly she's Stephen Hawking.
I don't mean to imply she's in any way disabled.
She's quite the opposite.
If you took the time to get to know her, you'd realise she ain't got a bad bone in her body.
Sounds like she has your bad bone in her body most of the time.
Look, I'm only telling you because I know I can completely trust you.
Nothing you have said will be used in evidence against you.
After all, neither of us wants to break Nicki's heart.
No.
No, we don't.
Hey, by the way, Chocolate Orange.
No way.
I only told you cos I wanted to.
I made you want to tell me.
KNOCK ON DOOR Fuck off, Phil Collins.
Ha! All right, kiddo? Hi, Dad.
Should I come down, help you carry up my new widescreen telly? I've got you one.
It's too wide to fit in the car.
Dodgy Darren's bringing it round in his van when he gets some new front wheels.
It's as good as delivered.
Your mum's thrilled to bits with hers.
She always wanted a portable.
I thought it were widescreen.
They're widescreen portables.
How? Don't worry, he's a mate.
Oh, right.
Gotta go.
Another Chinese restaurant on fire.
See ya, feller.
Oh! Remember to get us that Chocolate Orange.
When I saw him, I nearly shat myself.
Been doing something you shouldn't? No, but coppers, they don't pop in to tell you your lottery numbers have come up, do they? No.
They drop off weights of sticky black.
Just been up the hospital, picked up my test results.
I've got six to ten months to live.
Oh, well.
Still gives you plenty of time to deliver my telly.
I'm serious, kiddo.
Dad, I'm sorry.
What is it? It's a wasting disease.
Still, looking at you, you've got a few good years in you yet.
Six to ten months.
Have to be a busy ten months to waste your way through that lot.
The doctor said it would probably just happen all of a sudden.
There must be something you can do.
Have you phoned Claims Direct? Does Mum know? I'm on my way there now.
And just as we were getting to know each other again.
I've been thinking about all the stuff I wanted to do with you.
Like what? Buy a pint.
You can still do that.
We'll see.
PHONE RINGS Hello, Saltford Bra Hire.
Hello, Mum.
Dad's here, as it goes.
Dad.
Keith.
You know, the bloke who brought your new telly around.
What? You lying git.
You said you'd seen Mum three or four times since you've been back.
I thought that's what you wanted to hear.
I was trying to make up for being such a rotten dad.
By repeatedly lying to me? Who ran your self-improvement class? Jeffrey Archer? Well, you'd no need to worry, have you? I'll be dead in six months.
Six to ten.
No, just six.
I said to ten to make you feel better.
Fist, it's Tony Low.
I wanted to know if you've decided if you will join our little triad.
Listen, kiddo, I'm sorry I lied to you.
Yeah, well, it's made me realise something very important.
There is no widescreen telly.
No, there is.
They're around at Dodgy Darren's.
And if you can't trust Dodgy Darren, who can you trust? See ya.
Ignore me.
And me.
Hello.
Are you my new boiler? It's the Comfortmiser 100.
Where am I going here? Is it gonna take long to install? Five minutes.
BOILER CRASHES Maybe 55.
I won't slow you down with tea and biscuits.
PHONE RINGS Hello.
Strangeways Prison and Carvery.
JENNY: Sorry, I must have dialled the wrong number.
Jen! Jen, it's Moz.
Oh, hiya, Moz.
I had someone else on t'line a second ago.
Felix and Baby are staying at his mum's.
Shall I come over nineish? Yeah.
Don't be late.
OK.
Bye.
Yes! You're a bad man.
Acting with the dying creature Give me something to do She had the wire uncrossed forever Don't be late, I want to see you Take me in or bind me in leather All right, Tania? All right, Paul? Are you OK? Yeah.
We're coming to see Fist.
He's thinking about joining the gang.
I've just been seeing Fist.
Yeah? Yeah.
How do you know Fist? How does anybody know anybody? Right.
Did he mention about him probably joining the gang? No.
No.
Ring me some time, yeah? See ya.
I will do, Tania.
She fancies you big time.
You gonna ask her out? Yeah.
Shut it! Hello, Fist.
We're just coming by to follow up on our last meeting.
Ta.
KNOCK ON DOOR Hi, hi.
Moz, Flynn.
Flynn, Moz.
Hi, mate.
All present and correct.
Isn't he scrummy? You should see him when he's standing to attention.
Show him your knife.
That's me knife.
Look.
You're not a wasp anymore.
Oh, hello.
No.
Sorry.
Hiya, Cartoon Head.
Off somewhere nice? I'm taking C out to the opera.
(LAUGHS) Are you seeing Moz, then? Umyeah.
(LAUGHS) Please don't tell anybody.
Tell them what? About me and Moz having the affair.
Oh! Oh, uh, of course not.
Are youis itis it serious? I can't really say any more, but yeah.
I see.
(CARTOON HEAD WHISTLES) Coming! Goodbye.
Sorry.
Go and make us a brew, there's a good lad.
OK.
Have you got any Kit Kats? No.
And I'm sure he's got all the fingers you'll ever need.
Look, Brian, I don't want to be rude, but you can't stay.
I've got me own flat, thanks.
We've just come to blob out.
When you put it like that, it does sound tempting.
I've got a very important business meeting any minute.
Drugs-baron stuff.
So (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Moz! Are you in? Oh, it's Carol Laudanum.
Shall I tell her to piss off as we leave? No! No, I mean What are you up to? No.
I've got me Transformer pants on.
Wow! Oh! Wow! Please don't tell anybody.
Wow! Please.
Wow! Please! All right.
But I want regular updates, Mr Lover-Lover Man.
Hiya, Brian.
Jenny.
Wow! Flynn, we're off! Hup, two, three, four.
See ya.
Wow! I'm really sorry, Jenny, I had to tell Brian about you and me.
He'd guessed already.
Oh.
I thought it was a secret.
It is, it is.
I'm sorry.
I know you haven't told anybody.
I ain't told anybody who don't already know.
Good.
(LAUGHS) What? Only you, me and Brian know.
You'd be surprised how many people know.
How can they? Who? Who knows? UhCartoon Head.
Your neighbour that used to be a wasp.
Yoko and her friends, Kim and Miko.
Why did you tell them? I didn't.
They already knew.
How could they? Do you know what a secret is? If you let me speak, then I'll tell you what a secret is.
And it's when you don't tell Go on, then.
Go on, go on.
.
.
when you don't tell.
What, they just said, "oh, we know"? No.
Nicki's going to use my bollock sack as a fucking tobacco pouch.
Don't talk like that.
So what are we gonna do about it, then? I have to be honest.
I'm not sure where we go from here.
I know.
I'd really like us to try a threesome.
Do you hate me now? Hate you? No.
No, it actually gives me a very warm feeling.
KNOCK ON DOOR Tania.
Hiya, Moz.
Good time, bad time? Not the best.
I heard Nicki's gone back to Cardiff.
Thought you might be lonely.
A lot of the time, yeah, but You've got a girl in already.
Good for you.
It's not what you're thinking.
I'm thinking you've got a girl in already.
Good for you.
It's not like that.
It's not an affair.
You know the best thing about you and me having this affa? Tania.
Hi.
Hiya.
So you know about? Yeah.
Oh, hiya, sis.
Hi, Moz.
Hi, Jen.
So, just to clarify, Colin, you don't know about me and Moz having an affair, do you? Still seeing Caramel? Carmel, yes.
Oh.
What's she doing with you? Having a lovely time, as it goes.
You seeing anybody? Nothing serious, but I've got a few irons in my fire.
I were thinking .
.
maybe tonight could be the night for the threesome? What, you mean? Yeah.
You fancy it? Oh, yeah! Smashing! I'll just get rid of Colin.
Tania.
What? You'll get rid of Tania.
There's nowt sexy about you and me having a threesome with another girl.
I'd find something.
The only threesome you and me are gonna have is with another guy.
That didn't really gel, did it? It was likeanti-sex.
I'm on probation.
I think you should go.
OK.
See ya.
Not you.
Him! Huh? Will you be all right seeing yourself home? You won't mention this to Carmel, will you? I'm not gonna mention this to myself.
Ahem.
Uhbye, Jenny.
Thanks for trying.
Oh.
What a day.
Oh, Moz.
Would you like me to cheer you up? Yes, please.
(GIGGLES) I got you a Chocolate Orange.
Thanks.
(LAUGHS) I thought you were gonna phone me, yeah? You look happy.
Are you in love? No, Morris, I'm at war.
We're amassing the troops.
If we're gonna attack the triad, why don't we ask Cartoon Head if he wants to rejoin? Are you gonna kill somebody? I hatched out of a giant copper egg.
In many ways, she's just a child.
So what does that make you? Hiya! What do you mean you're gonna join the gang? It's good money.
It could be the solution to me cash worries.
It could be the solution to your being-alive worries.
Cassie Britland