Ideal (2005) s04e05 Episode Script

The War

We've come to see Fist.
He's thinking about joining the gang.
Bit of a gang war kicking off.
Triads v Scallies.
Speaking of senseless violence, where's CH? CH has fallen in love.
He's gone soft.
Don't go to Cardiff.
I'm gonna miss ya.
We agreed it was just sex.
- Why's it so heavy? - Cos of the weight.
You do remember last night? Er, yeah.
I had a really good shag, thanks.
And I'd really like to do it again.
- What are you up to? - I've got me Transformer pants on.
Wow! Please don't tell anybody.
Moz? Mmm? When we're having sex, do you ever fantasise that I'm Nicki? Course not.
That'd defeat the whole point of the exercise.
I might as well be fantasising that I'm me.
Are you sure you wouldn't like me to talk Welsh to you? - No, thanks.
- (INDIAN ACCENT) Are you certain? That's not Welsh! (INDIAN ACCENT) Is that better? Not really.
(NICKI'S VOICE) Is that better? - Hey, that's really - Is that better? Is that better? Is that better? Jenny? Is that better?! Is that better? Is it? Jenny? Yeah? Have you ever been to Wales? No.
I'm scared of dragons.
We're a bit like Thelma and Louise, aren't we? No, we're not.
Why? Cos we ain't got a car? All right, Moz? Erm, yeah, good thanks.
Are are you both all right? Yeah.
Aren't we? I'm back breathing air now.
You'd better come in.
Jason said you went missing for a few days.
Where'd you get to? Anywhere nice? He turned up in a metal yard.
A mental yard? Metal.
Scrap metal yard.
Could I have a cigarette now? Is he always like this? Almost like there's summat wrong with 'im.
You'll be knockin' yer band on t'ead, then? God, no.
Record label reckons this could be just what we need.
Not done Lee any favours though, has it? Downloads are up.
And the press love him cos he's so "quotable.
" This is a really nice cigarette.
Since he's been like this, songwriting improved 100%.
Go on, sing Moz the new single.
Here I am Living in a metal thing - Amazing, innit? - # Here I am Living in the metal thing It could be your generation's Imagine.
That's just what I were thinking.
Here I am Ah! Hey up, Jenny.
You all right? I'm all right.
Yeah, I'm great.
You, er been seeing Moz again? Did Moz tell you about us, then? Yeah, he did.
Tell people Don't tell people.
He keeps changing his mind.
I think I'd better start telling people an' all.
Erm, are you sure about that? Well once everybody knows, you don't have to worry about 'em finding out.
RADIO: K-23, come in.
K-23, receiving.
See ya.
- Fire reported at Wilson Road warehouse.
- Roger.
On me way.
- Can you sell us some weed? - Weed? I need to get out of it.
- You don't.
- I do.
Fella, you're already as far out as it's possible to get! You go any further out and you start coming back in again! I hatched out of a giant copper egg.
Well, there you go.
That's going in the new video.
He's coming out of an egg, and I'm inside a big packet of bacon.
Mate, listen, are you seeing a doctor? Or a psychologist? I'm seeing all sorts.
You OK, Cartoon Head? You look a bit worried.
Oh, good.
Interested in Beanie Babies? Three quid each, they come in a choice of bodies.
Colin, even a salesman with your proactive attitude must see I'm not your target audience.
All right.
Two quid each.
They're not stolen.
They are stolen.
Remember - you stole them yesterday? Did I? Oh, that's right, I did.
I'll be down in two minutes.
That's the driver.
I'll see you later tonight.
Goodbye, Moz.
See ya.
" The driver? Is she back on the game, then? We're skint and everything's going up.
Rent, bills, everything.
Probation not the big earner it once was? No.
Carmel is me and Carmel's biggest asset.
Can't imagine what that must be like.
Knowing your bird's off somewhere - She don't enjoy it! - Course not.
What's to enjoy? Obviously I'm not happy about it, but we don't wanna lose the flat.
Get yerself down t'JobCentre.
Some jobs are always available.
Postman? You'd love that.
All them registered letters? There's no way I can compete wi' Carmel's earning potential.
Why, what's she charge? I see what you mean.
That's some serious money.
Oh, but it does include Oh, right, yeah, I get it.
So Yeah, so what you save on that For crying out loud! You do realise that annual sex means once a year? Yeah.
- Psycho Paul.
- Afternoon, Morris.
This is Xavier.
He's just joined the gang.
All right, blood? I don't suppose anybody's come to buy some weed? It's Stemroach.
You lot better go in.
Make sure you sign the visitors' book.
Just leave it on the latch, Morris.
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) All right, Stemroach? What can I do for ya? - Hiya.
- All right, Cyclops? Not bad.
This is Xavier.
You all right, blood? Yeah, I'm on probation.
Sweet as, man.
Sweet as.
Wow! This is a fuckin' chair, man! I is double comfy in this bastard.
Anybody got a light? Give us it 'ere.
I'll spark it.
How much d'you want for the chair, blood? No way.
I've had that forever.
They're gonna bury me on that.
I gotta have it.
It's takin' me well beyond comfy, know what I'm sayin'? Nah, me and that chair share a lot of genetic material.
All right there, Fist? I wondered if you'd decided whether or not you're gonna join the gang? What do you mean, you're gonna join the gang?! It's good money, Moz.
It could be the solution to me cash worries.
It could be the solution to your being alive worries.
What's up wi' Xavier? It's all right.
He's epileptic.
He's allowed to do that.
Did the weed set him off? STEVE: No, the weed calms him down.
Maybe he's not had enough? Come on, fella, have a honk on that.
No, no I understand You're a busy man.
Fissst All right, Paul? All right, Tania? Everything OK, yeah? Yeah Thought you were gonna phone me, yeah? Yeah I definitely will do, Tania I've been busy.
We've got a little bit of a gang war on.
Sure you're OK, yeah? Tania Psycho Paul You look happy.
You in love? No, Morris, I'm at war.
War? The Lo Triad.
We burnt down three of their restaurants.
Now they've torched Stemroach's warehouse.
That's not playin' by the rules.
What kind of response were you expecting? - "Thanks for t'lovely fireworks?" - We're massin' the troops.
Stemroach is sending over a little extra muscle.
Round 'ere? No! I'm That'll be Stripes.
Stripes? All right, Stripes? Come in.
Lads are through there.
Who's due next? Siegfried and Roy? STEVE: All right, Stripes? What's going on? I'm gonna lick the gang into shape.
That lot?! You'll be licking 'em all day.
That ain't a good thing, whichever way you look at it.
Stemroach has given the order.
We're gonna attack Lo's house.
What?! When? When he least expects it.
So, to recap, you're gonna attack the house of Min Yin Lo? The boss of Manchester's most notorious Triad? I can't help bein' brave.
That's special needs bravery! Stop and think.
The Los are tooled up and vicious.
Whereas, in there, you've got a one-eyed man, an epileptic and Stripes, who I would still technically class as a cub.
Don't forget Colin! Colin is a total coward! Colin finds running away too confrontational! None of that matters, Morris.
None of it.
Lo's lot are still at a massive disadvantage.
Because they are dealing wi' something that is impossible to control.
What? Psycho Pa-a-a-a-a-ul! Hi, hi.
Moz, Warren.
Warren, Moz.
In't he scrummy? Be still my sneering heart.
Oh, that'll do nicely.
Hi, Moz.
Brian's told me a lot about you.
You sound very real.
Yeah, s'pose I am, quite.
I fucking love real people.
- Warren runs a new art gallery in Hulme.
- The Forever Machine.
It's more than a gallery, it's a multi-disciplinary action space.
It's what Hulme's been screaming out for.
Listen, Brian, I think Private view tonight.
Free drinks.
It's Michael Radley.
The artist who made a canteen of cutlery from his frozen semen? He's painted the whole gallery gold and installed three live chickens.
- You'd love it.
- It does sound like my sort of thing.
Come to t'private view.
Free drinks.
I'd much rather get guys like you than a load of pretentious pseuds.
Moz and I just want to have a quick word.
D'you wanna go through an' skin up? Sure.
Let's do it.
You'll find some very real people in there.
Three tunnels, right? Hi.
Warren Keys for The Forever Machine.
Come down to the private view tonight, yeah? There's free drinks.
Will there be girls there? Probably a few from the art college.
You should come down, you'll love it.
I'm on probation.
How fucking real is that? So, what's the latest on your affair with Mensa Girl? Brains aren't everything.
Jenny's got a truly beautiful soul.
And I'm not afraid to stand up and say so.
Please swear you haven't told anybody? Cross dress and hope to die.
All I can say is the sex must be bloody good.
It's transcendent, now you ask It'd have to be to make up for the pillow talk.
Does it not make you feel a bit like a paedophile? She's 21! Physically she's 21! How old's her brain? I do believe her and her brain share the same birthday.
Some folk might say you were the dominant half of an exploitative relationship.
Says the man who once came round here wi' a blind boy scout! I'm just sayin', sweet as she is in many ways, she's just a child.
So what does that make you? I'm not doing anything wrong.
Apart from cheating on Nicki.
It's you, fella.
You've got an overactive gossip gland.
Now, 15 notes, if you please.
I hate to think my money is being used to fund the paedo community.
All right, Jenny's not the brightest sparkler in the packet, but that doesn't mean she's a child.
I've got a new Beanie Baby.
Good investment.
They're very collectable.
You wanna keep it in mint condition, away in a box somewhere.
No, I just wanna keep huggin' him.
Hiya, Brian.
Do you like Beanie Babies? I peaked with Stretch Armstrong.
It's all right for us to have a hug, innit? Cos he already knows about us.
You're my Beanie Baby.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Have you had a good day? Ups and downs.
I still don't understand what it is.
It's an exhibition.
By Michael Radley? The guy who did the Nude Thatcher? So it's a big gold room wi' three chickens running round it? It's that direct.
- D'you sell eggs, man? - Yes, actually.
Michael's signing a limited edition of six dozen.
You'd love it, man.
This show, I tell you, it's asking all the right questions.
It's asking what happens when the spectacle is seduced by its own reverse shadow image? I'll get the sleeping bag back to you next week.
WARREN: Where's Where's my shoe? Shh.
Don't worry.
You'll not be needing shoes now.
See you at the private view? Free drinks? Chickens? Ta.
But I'll probably end up doin' summat enjoyable instead.
You'd best go, Jen, Nicki's due back any time and I'm not in the mood for Clash Of The Titans.
- See ya.
- Ooh! We'll go together.
You can tell us what you've been up to.
And if anything's too difficult to talk about you can always demonstrate with the Beanie Baby.
Do ya fancy givin' us a hand with Warren? Nah, I'll let you off.
Cosy night in? Are you seeing another woman? Are you gonna kill somebody? Don't you think that's a bit antisocial? Sorry.
If we're gonna attack the Triad, why don't we ask Cartoon Head if he wants to rejoin? (SHOUTING) Shut it! We don't need Cartoon Head, we've got Stripes.
Wish we could take this chair, blood.
Who takes an armchair to a gangland attack? What are you going to do, have a sit down at half-time? Is this Fish bloke coming with us though? Yeah, is he helping us or not? Fist has joined the gang.
That's a fact.
Right? But he didn't think we needed him on this job.
ALL: I think we need him.
Believe me, you need him, cos when I look round this room I'm not seeing the gang that ate Manchester.
Shut it, Morris.
Hey, what's he like then - Fist? Why have we got the cast of a prisoner of war film in the front room? I've told you, they're mates of Psycho Paul's.
Don't bullshit me.
And that's another thing.
Psycho Paul is dangerous.
Why do you keep lettin' him in the house? We went through this with the Scissor Man! How was I to know he had more than three pairs of scissors? And this place stinks of fags! What about the smoking ban? Well, in your absence, I made a very difficult executive decision - to do what I wanted to do! Smoking, dealing, living room full of gangsters and murderers! Why not go the whole hog and set up a paedophile ring in here? (SHOUTING) I am not a paedophile! All right, but there is something dodgy going on.
So if that lot aren't out of there in the next five minutes, I am phonin' the police.
All right, all right.
Keep your aura on.
And shut the door.
Let's not expose Sanjeev to the world of organised crime just yet.
Ah, Paul.
- Now look - Come on, Morris.
We're off.
Oh, good.
- What d'you mean, "Come on"? - We're off.
It's time to hit Lo's house.
Aye, for you an' your Merry Men, maybe! But Friar Tuck is stayin' put! Don't muck about, Morris.
I'll be 'ere when you finish.
Make you a pot of tea, staple your limbs back on.
D'you want me to get my screwdriver out? Do yer worst, Paul! I'm bound to die if I go round Lo's anyway.
Might as well die in me own house and save meself the walk.
You're a coward! A life-long, yellow card-carrying coward, thank you.
Maybe that lot are stupid enough to follow you to certain death.
But not me.
What's he mean - certain death? What about all the training we've been doing? Prancing round my lounge for the afternoon does not constitute training.
This is war, not X Factor! Shut it! This lot are fightin' fit! So, are you with me? What you waitin' for? D'you want your eye back or not? What about you two? You comin' with? Or should I fill you full of Phillips holes? OK, blood.
I'm on probation.
Psycho Paul? (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) That's me.
My name's Tony, this is Chen.
We need to have a little chat.
My gang won't just stand by and let this happen! Chen will take care of you.
Listen surely we don't need to resort to "takin' care of each other".
I'm sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused your evening.
That's OK But you're not going to take us to Lo, are ya? Mr Lo is no longer in charge of the Triad.
However, I think you've already met our new boss.
Cartoon Head? - Happy birthday, Nicki.
- What the hell is going on? - All right, kiddo? - Dad, Carmel.
This is our first date.
I see you've got a new bird then.
Lovely to see ya.
Oh, my God! He's having an affair.
I made him open the red bag.
My God! It's full of stars.