Ideal (2005) s04e08 Episode Script

Me new widescreen telly.
It exists? Oh, it exists.
Fear it.
We'll let you know when we need you.
I'm not even vaguely joining your gang.
You will work for us also.
I'm not double-agent material.
Wherever he goes, we have to follow, Marco.
- Move in with me.
- MOZ: I'm letting her go,Jen.
I want you to stay.
TONY: I think you have already met our new boss.
Can she be in our gang? What about this one? No, I've not watched that yet.
This one? No.
- This one? - No, I wanna keep that.
- This one? - Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
No.
I - This one? - Pretty Woman? You'll regret this, Moz.
Nah.
I've got a DVD player now.
So what are we gonna do now, blood? I bet we're just gonna walk away.
Shut it, Speccy Two Eyes.
We could, though.
We could just walk away.
- I'm on probation.
- This is war.
We've gotta move quickly, swiftly, and wi'out delay.
D'you wanna 'ave a brew first? Aye, go on.
Gotta get that lot out of 'ere.
Could go Waco any sec.
Oh, that'll be me mum.
Yer mum? She's on way to t'bingo.
I said for her to pop in.
JENNY'S MUM: Hiya, love.
Moz, this is Dawn, me mum.
- She's family.
- All right? I've got cataracts.
So I'll just give yer face a quick feel-over.
What does this tell you? You've a tender and easy-going nature.
With slightly greasy skin.
I'll make that brew.
Oh, hold up.
I'll read your tea leaves.
- Mum can tell the future.
- It's a gift and it's a curse.
Like a book token.
Mum's seen some weird stuff in mugs.
I saw 9/1 1 in a Cup-a-Soup, but no-one'd listen.
Whose is this one? Mine, it's me special one.
Oh, there's so much happiness waiting for you on the horizon.
Nicely, nicely.
That were my one.
It's one of them, anyway.
Can I ask it a question? I seen this blue top down Peacocks but I can't tell if it suits me.
Should I buy it? It says you'll look lovely in that.
Oh, great! I can't believe you're takin' fashion tips from crockery! I bought this hair slide on a stain's say-so.
Oh! Who's been drinkin' out of this one? Goldilocks? - It's death.
- Death in a cup? I'm serious.
Whoever it was, I think this is going to be their last day on Earth.
I'm takin' an executive decision.
I'm phoning the boss.
All right, Stemroach? Triad lads? We got 'em tied up with films Moz don't watch any more.
Thanks for your hospitality, Moz.
My pleasure.
It's not every guest can tell us me future and me skin's pH balance.
Say hello to me baby for me.
- Will do.
- All right there, kiddo? Dad.
What's this, parents' evening? Hello, I'm Jenny.
Me and Moz been having an affair behind Nicki's back.
But now it's all out in the open, so we're doin' it in front of her.
This is me mum.
Dawn.
Let me give yer face a quick feel-over.
Oh, go on, love, have a good rummage.
Ooh.
You've a noble profile, Keith.
You're loyal and dependable.
Think you might need a retread on those fingertips.
I've only got six months to live.
- Oh, what a poor do.
- Could I take you for a drink, Dawn? Well, having felt your face, I would say yes, that should be lovely, Keith.
Then come with me, kitten.
- See you, Mum.
- Bye, love.
Hey, imagine if our parents get off with each other! Oh, no! That's like a porn version of Alien vs.
Predator.
Look, Cartoon Head.
Whose phone is that? What you doing? Psycho Paul.
Just lettin' you know there's no point phonin' up yer bum chums.
- Cos I've got 'em! - (GROANING) Shut it, CH! I've heard enough of your voice to last me a lifetime.
Look, Paul, we can't leave them like that forever.
The big one's only tied up wi' Ring Of Bright Water.
It's OK, Morris.
We're not gonna leave 'em like this.
Good.
We're gonna have a gangland execution.
Where are you goin'? Has it all got a bit too scary for you? Just goin' off-licence, to get some s-smokes.
I got plenty of smokes.
Also mad set on a Toblerone.
I could murder a Toblerone.
Yeah, I could murder.
And me.
Get us some crisps.
Just normal flavour, mind.
I don't want any balsamic chives and goat relish.
Back in five.
Fist.
Listen, Bri, you don't have to come in if you don't want to.
Course I'm gonna come in.
I'm here to help you in any way I can.
And, you know, let's be right, this is gossip gold.
- Is this a bust? - Hi, hi! Don't tell me you two are an item now? I can't keep up.
It's like the Borgias.
Brian's just here to help.
It's all very sad.
Jenny, please stop hiding from me.
It's only a small flat, I will usually see you.
Well, I'm staying in here until you cool off.
NICKI: I've already cooled off.
In fact, I was never uncool to begin with.
It's you who's being uncool, by hiding from me in what was, until today, my flat.
Well, that's uncool, you sayin' that.
Screenzilla! If that's yours, we're gonna need a bigger bag.
All right, Nicki.
You moving out? Where's Pretty Woman? Nicki's right.
We should be more up front about what's goin' on.
I'm not gonna hide in t'kitchen from her no more.
I'm gonna hide in t'bog.
Brilliant.
And stay in there.
That'll be the perfect excuse to keep Nicki out.
I'll wee for as long as I can.
Are you all right? I'm all right.
I'm looking for Colin.
Loathed as I am to help you on your misguided quest Colin! Colin, Colin, Colin.
Why you not answering your phone? I I I lost it - And, er I was ambushed! - What?! Who did this to you? Moz, did you ambush Colin? Yeah, I laid in wait for him in t'fridge.
No! Of course I didn't! - It were a Triad sting.
- What? Why? You know when I said I was thinkin' of joinin' Psycho Paul's gang and you said I shouldn't, and I said I still might? Well, I did.
Just as long as things haven't gone too far.
MOZ: Have you met Crouching Tiger and Hidden Dragon? Hiya.
What's gonna happen to them? Well, I suggested driving out and dumping them on Todmorden Moors.
Psycho Paul added a couple of his own ideas into t'mix - a gun and a shallow grave.
Colin, I forbid you to do any shooting or digging.
In fact, I forbid you to stay in the gang.
Great.
Shall we go, then? If Paul asks, say we had to leave for Spain in a hurry.
What about your probation? We'll just have to manage.
Right, I'm just gonna go and slice up my wheel of joy.
I'll still want to see Sanjeev, y'know.
He's not yours, Moz.
He never was.
But I stuck by you.
I've helped bring the lad up.
Really? I'd not noticed that.
Care to give me some examples? Well, I I took 'im t'McDonald's that time.
It's all very well being Mr Treat.
You know nothing about kids.
I know that his little face can light up a room.
Now, don't listen.
Weeing Having a song and having a wee I'm weeing You haven't got the stamina for parenthood.
Which is why you're perfectly suited living with a girl whose baby is being brought up by her blind mother.
She's not so blind.
She saw me future in me special mug.
I'm gonna live happily ever after.
This is my special mug.
The butterfly one is your special mug.
Is it? Right, I'm done.
Coming, Bri? Um I think I'll stay and hear Moz's side for a bit, ta.
Fine.
He's very needy, you know, Dickhead of Dock Green.
It's OK.
I like needy men.
Why? Cos I'm needy too.
How does that work? Shouldn't at least one of you be give-y? Anyway, don't let's become strangers, eh? No, course not.
You know where I live.
Anyway, I'll be hearing all yer news from me best mate, who you're shaggin'.
Again.
- Moz - BRIAN: Pizza's ready! Go and get your pizza.
Guess what.
Livin'In A Metal Thing's just got to number 12.
And Alan Yentob wants to do a documentary about us.
I'm gonna make him look like a donkey.
From now on, once a week, we're 'avin a no-answering-the-door day.
Give us a bit more time to ourselves.
So do you definitely wanna move in? Brian! I were gonna ask her that! Well, go on, then.
Jenny, would you like to move in wi' me? Are you all right wi' that? - I'm all right wi' that.
- I love you.
- Ignore me.
- Who the 'ell are you? Who are we? We're just like you.
We're his disciples.
Whoa, whoa! I'm not his disciple.
I'm his co-writer and Minimoog player, and he's a nutter.
Blasphemy! What a dick.
So you're going over to kill Psycho Paul's gang? But not Moz? I'll be upset if you kill Moz.
And what if they kill you? Who's going to help me bring up this baby? He'll never see your face.
Of course, Stemroach.
Whatever you want.
Bye, then.
Change of plan.
Stemroach wants us to kill 'em right now.
Great! Vicar? Vicar Fistwick? What are you doing here? Fist.
- What's goin' on? - It's execution time, Morris.
Paul, please.
We're not even allowed to have pets.
You can't kill 'em here.
You're missin' three important facts, Morris.
I can, I will, and I am doin'.
Think you're tough, don't you, lads? Just cos yer Triad's got the red bag.
Well, I'm not scared.
You mean nothing to me, nothing! Nothing! I can kill you without a second's hesitation.
Are you gonna do it, then? Shut it, Blind Pugh! - Tania.
- Moz.
Tania.
Ooh, you look stressed.
What's the matter? Stemroach wants these two blokes executing.
Well, I hope you're not gonna be executing anybody.
Not with your stomach.
I'll see if we've got any Rennies in t'kitchen.
Two slices left.
D'you want some ketamine on it? Now's probably not the optimum time.
Sure? I've really got into it meself.
Oi! Keep yer freaky seasoning to yerself! Mmm! Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum! Psychotropic! Disgusting.
Listen, Paul, I want you to forget all about this criminal stuff and come shoplifting with me down Ann Summers.
OK, Tania.
Which one's me and which one's you? I'm not sure.
Steve! I got some very important business, so I'm leaving you in charge of the gang.
Really?! Great! I trust you enough to lend me Phillips.
Wow! I want you to execute the Triad lads.
That's not very nice.
STEVE: Wait.
You said if I stuck with you, you'd give us me eye back.
- Said it was perfectly preserved.
- It is.
Well then, I want it back.
Or I'm executin' no-one.
Whoa.
This eye got poked out two weeks ago, right? So how can it be perfectly preserved? If you go down Longcroft Street, right, there's this place where they preserve stuff for you.
- What sort o' place? - Arts-and-crafts shop.
Got 'em to do yer eye for me.
Only cost me 30 quid.
STEVE: That is so fuckin' cool! That'll be 30 quid.
There's 40, keep the change.
I'll never get tired o' lookin' at you! Why don't you get yer whole head done? MOZ: Right, with Paul gone, perhaps we can have a bit o' sanity.
Yeah! Am I the only person here wi' any common sense? We can just turn Tony and Chen into t'cops, and we're good.
No.
We're goin' through wi' this.
Paul's left me in charge of the gang.
What gang? Look around you! But But I've got the screwdriver.
MOZ: Why don't you go home, and we can let the screwdriver be the gang? Steve, there's nobody can make us do anything we don't want to.
How did you get in? American Express.
Cartoon Head, nice to see you.
Having trouble keeping track of yer Triad, I hear? MOZ: Listen, wouldn't you two rather sort this out somewhere else - in a chatroom, maybe? After all, this really has nowt to do wi' me.
Well, both gangs did recruit you.
- Exactly, how neutral can you get? - Shut it, Moz.
No-one stands in my way.
You? Who the fuck are you? If I hadn't superglued that mask on your 'ead, you'd be nothing.
Shall I tell ya summat? I don't even remember what yer name is.
You're no different to Gordon Banks here, just a pillock who stepped out of line and had to be disciplined.
Hey! This is my flat, and I'm sick of playing host to a bunch of criminals and gangsters.
Sounless you're gonna be buying any weed, you'd best say goodbye right now.
Goodbye, Moz.
Oi! Thanks, Steve.
D'you know what? I don't wanna be in this gang any more.
No-o-o-o! Me big telly! This is the worst thing that could possibly happen! JENNY: Moz? I don't feel very well.
Jenny, sit down.
I bet it feels worse than it is.
Phone an ambulance, will yer? Look at me.
- Look at me.
- Oh I did it for you, CH, and I'm not sorry.
Sorry.
Aren't you scrummy? Fist.
I'm sorry 'bout your big telly.
I know you loved it.
Don't matter now.
It really 'urts.
I know it sounds mad, but I think I might be dying.
Wouldn't rule it out.
I knew summat was up.
I thought we were gonna live 'appily ever after, didn't you? Anyway after I've died, I'll be all right, won't I? Yeah.
Yeah, course you will.