Ideal (2005) s05e01 Episode Script

The Healer

This programme contains some strong language This programme contains some scenes of a sexual nature MUSIC: "Popcorn Double Feature" by The Fall MIMES: # Everybody's going through changes Everybody's got a bag of his own Everybody's talkin' 'bout places That can only be found in the greater unknown People are dying and babies are crying Though nobody cares at all MIMES: # There's love and disaster and good things come after Just follow the paths along Popcorn double feature Whole world's a funny farm.
That man is your teacher No need to be alarmed MUSIC STOPS You all right? I'm all right.
There ye go, son.
So, how's Jenny' gettin' on in her permanent vegetative state? Holdin' steady, thanks.
What a thing to ask! Jesus, Dad, you're as much a vegetable as she is.
I dunno.
Not been a good year for you, has it, eh? Jenny in a coma, me with me wastin' disease.
For someone with a terminal wastin' disease, you're lookin' veryrobust.
I have good days and bad days.
Not exactly bein' whittled away though, are you? You promised me you had six months to live.
You might be able to fool Jenny's mum, but not me.
I'm not still seeing Dawn.
Don't get me wrong, she was a lovely partially sighted lady.
But it was just too difficult.
I have to say I'm glad.
Something about me stepdad tappin' off with me girlfriend's mam that made me feel, you know, sick to me stomach.
I've got a new squeeze now.
Lovely lass.
33 years old.
33? What's she doin' with an old tugboat like you? Love is blind, kiddo.
Carol's blind as well.
Properly this time.
100% blind.
Mind you, she's very good with her hands.
Is she? So, how's she been gettin' on with her coma? Risin' to the challenge, thanks for askin'.
Hey, I bet I could bring her round.
What you gonna do, blow your whistle? Yeah.
I can't believe they still issue you lot with whistles.
This is my one from home.
Better bring your bagpipes next time.
Weight and a half, Afghani black.
Busted a hairdresser in Whitley Woods.
And Non-stick Thai Stick.
In regards to your kind offer, thanks but no thanks.
I've stepped off my career stepladder.
What you sayin'? I've cling-filmed me last eighth.
What you sayin'? I've packed in dealin'! But what you sayin'? I'm goin' straight! I made a promise to Jenny.
She's not gonna hold you to it, she's in a coma! I'm doin' it for both of us.
If I hadn't been dealin', I wouldn't have had gangsters round me house.
And Jenny wouldn't have been shot.
And what's more, me widescreen telly would still be in one piece.
What about our arrangement? I bust folk, pass the weed to you, you sell it, split the profits, both get stoned all the time.
Perfect business model.
If you're that keen, sell it yourself.
Get yourself a big Rasta hat and drive around in an ice-cream van.
I've got the sanctity of the uniform to think about.
Tara, then, Moz.
What's goin' on, Judith? You're not movin' out, are you? Sorry.
Is this about me coming back drunk at 2am and playin' Napalm Death at full volume? Because I can definitely take it down to three or four times a month.
It's not you, Moz.
When Cartoon Head took over the Triad, he sort inherited a big, posh place from the previous boss.
It's very Chinese-y.
Very vase-y and screen-y and jade-y.
You all right there, Cartoon Head? They reckon, don't they, the only thing more stressful than movin' house is breakin' into a house.
You're lookin' well anyway.
Hey, last time I saw you, you'd glued your mask back on.
I was using the wrong sort of glue.
Please stay on, please stay on, please stay on, please stay on, please stay on, please stay on, please stay on, please stay on! Sorry.
That's what happens if you use Pritt Stick.
Cartoon Head's getting me some of the glue they used on him.
Ah, young love.
How's your pregnancy goin'? Has Cartoon Head got his cartoon head around it yet? Is he in denial? Yes, but he denies it.
You're glowin' anyway.
And bloomin'.
Am I?! Sorry.
I think Cartoon Head is seeing another woman.
What makes you say that? I keep seeing them kissing.
And once, he had his hand up her skirt.
Well, it could be worse.
I mean, at least it was just his hand.
Maybe it's all perfectly innocent.
Is there an innocent way of putting your hand up someone's skirt? OK, CH.
I just need to get a last few things.
Meet you here at five? Listen, if Cartoon Head is seein' someone you should Ignore me.
My pleasure.
Mr Rupani asked me to sort out the electrics.
Can you show me where your fuse box is? Yes! Sorry.
Hi, Moz.
Hiya, lads.
Come straight from work? Brian, what are you wearin'? A fabric gangbang? '80s classic.
This is Rich.
In't he scrummy? Good to meet you, Moz.
And is he scrummier on the inside than he is on the outside? We met at this Doctor Who role-playing sesh, didn't we? I reversed the polarity of his neutron flow.
What? Sorry, mate.
I've been caning Pertwee all week.
But I'm also a lot about the Eccleston.
Where as I am biffed out on Langford.
Well, in that case you best come in.
Vicar? Vicar Fistwick? Please don't leave me like this.
That's not what I meant.
Jelly baby? Ooh! Nicely, nicely.
I'll just have a couple of boys.
Mmm, full of hoofy goodness! How come you've got Cosmo and Heat? I read stuff out to Jenny.
Stuff that she might be interested in.
Anything that might get through.
Right, if there's a glamorous weather girl's been seen with a sweat mark on her shirt, that kinda stuff.
Milk? Mm.
So, how is Hannah Montana? She could be better, but she could be worse.
Ignore me.
Shall we have sex then? I suppose so.
Rich actually is rich, aren't you? Really? Cos your last Rich were poor.
I bought three real Daleks.
Yeah? Oh, as long as you're not wasting your money.
I could help you bring your girlfriend out of her coma.
What, by using your money to get private medical assistance? No.
I've got a really loud voice.
Unfortunately, it's one of those rare medical conditions that can't be cured by shouting.
We're off to Infinity-arama.
It's a sci-fi convention.
In Barnoldswick.
Guests include Brian Blessed, two Ewoks, the brother of William Daniels (voice of car in Knight Rider).
Where is my diary? It were a toss-up between that and Whogasm 2009.
See, they've got Sylvester McCoy, a hog roast and The Green Death.
Can you sell us a quarter of skunk? No.
Eighth? No.
Sixteenth? No.
32nd? No.
64th? I've packed in dealin'! No.
Dealin'? I am so over that.
Have you packed in smokin' it n'all? Piss off! I'm only human.
I'm a gamekeeper turned poacher.
What you gonna do for spondoolicks? I've saved a bit of money.
I need never work again.
As long as I can live on rainwater and moss.
I bet that's a really healthy diet actually.
But I suppose in the long run, I'll just have to get a proper job.
I mean, I like sci-fi, but that is a bit far-fetched.
I have to tell you something.
Do you? Yes.
I'm I'm afraid I'm pregnant.
Oh! Are yer sure? How can you tell? Maybe you're not.
You're probably not.
I'm definitely pregnant.
And are you are you gonna keep hold of it? Absolutely.
Praise be! Do you want kids? Erm I haven't really thought about it.
I've only just lost me virginity.
Oh Sorry.
Apparently this season's shades are opulent crimsons, insolent purples and rich, creamy blacks.
Whereas in Heat magazine Jordan, Cheryl Cole and Dannii Minogue have all been seen wearin' sparkly belts.
Frankly, I think yer best off out of it.
I know I am.
MUSIC: "Robotboy" by Robyn MIMES: # Your battery's low Did you crash again? Robotboy Do you need a friend? Hey, little droid Is your head on wrong? Nah-nah nah-nah-nah Nah-nah-nah nah-nah-nah Nah nah-nah nah nah-nah nah-nah-nah Nah-nah-nah nah-nah-nah Nah-nah-nah nah-nah-nah Nah nah-nah nah nah-nah-nah HE GROANS Thanks, girls.
Hush now, boy Please give in Robotboy You've reached the end Hey, little droid Let your x-ray shine Nah-nah-nah nah-nah-nah Nah-nah-nah nah-nah-nah Nah nah-nah Moz! MUSIC STOPS, JARRING SOUNDS Don't leave me! All right, our kid? Troy.
Long time, not that bothered.
So, how is it hangin'? You're looking more relaxed than the last time you came round.
How do you mean? You know, when you'd been food shopping.
SCREAMING Who's been messin' with me pissin' carrots? It was me birthday.
So you gonna let us in then, bro'? Aye, go on.
But the first sign of a root vegetable and you're out on your arse.
FOREBODING MUSIC I was having a nap.
Shall we go? What do you fancy for your tea? Sweet and Sour Octopus Face? I could make your favorite - blood soup with clotted croutons.
Can't we leave that here? Those aremy packing clothes.
FOREBODING MUSIC STOPS I might just have one last quick look round.
She's still in her permanent vegetative state then? No, she's meditatin'.
Have yer tried just tellin' her to pull herself together? Yeah.
Wu-Tang! 'Ere, bro', can you sell us a quarter? Have you not heard? I'm not dealin' weed anymore.
So you're just gonna sell to friends then? No.
Oh, you're just gonna deal to really close friends, yeah? No.
Just family members then? I've given up dealin', full stop.
What, you're just gonna sell on weekends? I'm not gonna deal to friends, I'm not gonna deal at weekends.
Nor on Yom Kippur, or school INSET days.
I am no longer selling weed.
Right, you're just gonna give it away? That's mental! I'll have two quarters for free, then.
Troy, you're not listenin'.
Yes, I can.
I bet I could snap her out of it.
She's in a coma, not a sulk.
Do you know who's examined that girl? Psychotherapists, physiotherapists, aromatherapists.
Turns out they needn't have bothered.
Cos guess who's gonna snap her out of it? A chemical gibbon in a tracksuit! Can you feel the vibe? Come alive! Come alive! TRIPPY MUSIC Can you feel the vibe? Come alive! Wave yer hands in the air like you just don't care.
Come alive! Moss Side! MUSIC STOPS Nah, it's no use.
She's miles away.
Thanks, Vicar, I think I'm full.
Thanks for letting me down.
What? HE GROANS This isn't really my sort of thing.
Sure you don't wanna stay for a coffee? I promise not to pee in this one.
Only come round to buy some weed.
Greetings, Moz.
How do, lads.
Off to Infinity-arama? You what? Nowt.
Have yer met Troy? I'm his brother.
Go on, get lost.
Listen, lads, if you've come for weed, I'm afraid I've shut up shop.
No worries.
No, we're in the money, we got this really good dealer.
What do you mean, "really good dealer"? No offence.
It's just that Dicky's always got loads of different kinds of hash and weed.
All really pure.
He's a good laugh n'all.
It's like he's a supermarket and you're the corner shop he's forced out of business.
I've not been forced out.
I've gone into voluntary combustion.
So why don't you go and see Dicky? We are doin'.
We've just brought some presents for Jenny.
Really? Sorry, lads.
I, er I don't know what to say.
We come bearing gifts of the new Silicone Valets album.
New single.
Stickers, badge, T-shirt.
Now I know what to say.
We can take photos for the website.
Us visiting one of our tragic fans.
No way.
She's me girlfriend, not a marketing tool.
I could wake her up.
Apparently, everybody and anybody can wake her up! See, I thought she was sufferin' from a severely debilitatin' medical condition, but turns out she just nodded off during Hollyoaks.
I'm serious.
I can bring her round.
No word of a lie, Moz.
I helped a deaf woman swim again and I made a lame man hop.
Lee, you're not Jesus.
You're not even close.
I never claimed I was.
It's the title of your latest single! I didn't mean Jesus Christ.
It's about all Jesuses.
We're all divine.
We're all sainted.
We're all infinite.
Now, can I use yer bog? Cos I am proper bustin'.
So shall it be.
He might be able to do it, you know.
Don't you start.
I know as well as you, he acts like a nutter.
And most of what he says is bollocks max, and Sometimes he dribbles? Yeah.
But since he's came back, it's like he's got magic powers.
Come on, Debbie McGee, give us some examples.
When you're in a bar, he can always predict who the next person to walk in'll be.
If it's a guy, girl, what they're wearing, hair colour.
He can stop a clock just by staring at it.
He can warm up a cold cup of coffee just by holding the mug.
So it's Man With The Microwave Hands Meets Coma Girl? When do the action figures come out? It's gotta be worth a go.
You've had a change of heart.
I suppose it would be churlish to turn down your offer of wakin' the Kraken.
Specially since every other bugger's had a go.
Shall we start? Yeah.
Answer yer phone first though.
Won't take a sec.
TELEPHONE RINGS No mate, wrong number.
All right? I am Lee.
From Silicone Valets.
But it's valets with a T.
Like parking valets? The dudes that park your car? This might take a while.
Well, let's face it, you can't be in a coma and a rush.
Pass me a CD.
Single or album? Either, I'm just gonna use it to shine light in her eyes.
Hold it a bit closer, then she can do her make-up in it.
She winked.
No, she didn't.
She did.
I just saw her.
She's winkin', saying, "I'm with you".
She's not with us! She's about as elsewhere as you can get! Maybe it wasn't a wink.
Maybe it was a blink.
It's still a start.
No, it's not.
She often blinks.
It's involuntary.
Like in a minute when I give you two a slap.
Jenny? Jenny? Jenny? Jenny! Come back to us.
There's so much more living to be done.
We've got a new album out.
It's all kickin' off.
But more important, you need to come back.
Moz needs you.
ECHOING: Come back to us, Jenny.
Moz's heart is exploding with love for you.
Oh, well, it was worth a shot.
Go and see Dicky? Yeah.
Well, thanks for all your help, lads.
You've made a world of difference.
We're playin' Academy 4 on Saturday if you fancy coming down? I'll give it some very serious consideration.
All right, kiddo? This is Carol.
Hello, Moz.
Don't treat me any different from a sighted person.
All right, Carol.
So you're Dad's new lady, eh? Mm.
Not worried about the age difference? No.
Anyway, 38's not that much older than me.
Never mind that.
We've got a surprise for you.
Don't tell me you've got an album out? We are movin' into the flat next door.
Oh, my giddy God.
I bumped into Mr Rupani.
I've known him years.
Told him I was lookin' for a new place, so here we are.
Here you are.
Ignore me.
Ignore him.
I can't live thinking I'll never again do sex.
It's on my mind all the time.
I can't think straight.
Have you considered masturbation? My breasts are a lot bigger.
You are making me wet, Moz.
What? It's an emergency! You're perfect.
Fuck you! Fist! And you're gonna stay faithful to her, are you? Yes! Why does everybody think that'll be a problem?