Ijon Tichy: Raumpilot (2007) s01e01 Episode Script

Kosmische Kollegen

NOTE: Ijon Tichy and other characters in the series
speak German with a very odd eastern European accent.
They often make linguistic errors and don't sound like native speakers.
However, in this translation, I tried to bring the spoken words
into a correct English form.
I am Ijon Tichy, space pilot,
galactic diplomat, discoverer, err hero of the cosmos.
And when on Tuesday, September 22
I flew with my rocket at full speed,
I was on my way to an urgent meeting.
And I was in such a hurry
that I couldn't stop the rocket for a break.
But I wanted to make myself an omelet
for lunch.
Thus, I had to divide my capacities
to the kitchen and to steering simultanously.
This was a little problem at times.
Cosmic Colleagues
The urgent meeting was on the distant planet 'Egma'.
I had to be on time at all costs.
But I was still far away.
Thus, I had to fly at day and at night.
I was worried by the fact
that I could miss out on my appointment.
INSPECTION (maintenance)
Ah, inspection, inspection!
It couldn't go on like this.
On this night, I made a decision.
I finally wanted to finish
the electronic helping assistant.
So I no longer had to do
everything by myself on the rocket.
At midnight, I found the technical solution.
Now I was excited if the apparatus would work well.
Would you be so kind
and tune in on the right frequency for me?
I was curious how it would look.
If I was lucky,
maybe a bit like a famous physician.
Then it would be very smart, too. Like me.
Who are you?
Who I am? Who I AM?
This is my rocket. I am Ijon Tichy. I am your boss.
Well then, Mr. boss Tichy.
Could you eventually do something about this?
I'll have a look.
Donkey sausage
I've already been searching for this.
And my reception?
Reception of beer? [???]
You can do this as your primary profession.
Here, take this.
Meh, I'm a silly donkey.
The holographic picture couldn't hold anything.
Thus, it also couldn't hold
the steering mechanism of the rocket.
But very soon, I had another solution.
If there is something in the way,
get back to me. Get it?
This is my task. I understand, Mr. Tichy.
Okay, you keep an eye out and let me sleep.
I'll take care that you sleep.
Now, with the help of the analog Halluzinelle
I could finally doze a bit.
I'll keep an eye out,
and when I see something,
I wake up Mr. boss Tichy.
No, I'll take care that the boss sleeps well.
What's going on here?
Mr. Tichy, what a beautiful view. Really.
What? You got a blown fuse?
Now we've got a problem.
He came from the kitchen closet.
Yes, I know, normally he's a vacuum cleaner,
but you activated the alarm for inspection.
Ah, well, so will I get a new task now?
Should I continue with my previous task?
Where are you steering the rocket to?
Now I had a problem.
This was the automatic robot
for the inspection of hthe rocket.
He's notorious for obtrusiveness.
Although this one is scared like a fraidy-cat.
Mr. Tichy, the inspection modus of the rocket
has been activated - by her.
Now a little inspection is due. So I want us to fly to my garage.
What are you saying? Are your bags full, or what?
Go back to the closet.
I'll come and get you
when I want to vaccuum clean my rocket.
Nonononono, now my time
as a vaccuum cleaner in the closet is over.
This rocket will get an expensive inspection.
But this rocket flies well. I don't need an expensive inspection.
That's what you think Mr. Tichy.
An inspection is an urgent necessity. Basta!
I won't do this. This is an insolence.
An expensive inspection is an insolence.
And you keep your hands away from the steering mechanism.
I have a very important appointment.
I said, keep your hands away from the steering mechanism.
Did say the rocket needed an inspection, or didn't I? Heh?
What did you do to the steering mechanism, heh?
Rocket flies well, my foot! Yeahyeahyeah.
You owe me something for this crash landing!
Pah, if this stupid vaccuum cleaner
rather wanted to stay on a foreign planet - I don't care.
Mr. Tichy?
We encountered an obstacle.
Something crossed our flight path. You should wake up now.
Will get another task now, Mr. Tichy?
What did I do wrong?
I don't know in which dead place
of the milky way the rocket crash landed.
Pah, I better go away from here again.
But soon I realized: this wouldn't work.
The roboter took the key
for the steering mechanism with him, on his escape.
Ah, now it was clear to me. It was the planet Torkov.
It was dangerous. Because of the Kullups.
Then there was the real problem:
the key of the rocket was swallowed
together with the stupid robot.
I went to the library
and read in the Cosmic Encyclopedia.
I found a strange instruction.
'Hunting Kullups - Instruction for foreigners'
Kullups have a thick shell under their fur.
Therefore, they're hunted from inside.
And to get into the stomach of the Kullup,
the hunter makes himself the bait,
and then he will be eaten.
Ingredients for hunting Kullups:
Chives, priming coat paste,
pepper, salt,
and mushroom gravy.
For the time in the stomach: time bomb.
Preparing for lurking.
The hunter has to be tasty for the wild animal.
First, he embrocates himself with priming coat paste.
Then he pours himself with the good mushroom gravy.
So, in the end, he spices himself with finely cut chives.
In this state, he holds on to the bomb
and waits for wild Kullups.
If an animal picked up the scent, one has to keep calm.
Normally, the wild Kullup immediately swallows the bait.
If the Kullup doesn't want to swallow the hunter immediately,
he can mildly knock on his tongue for encouragement.
Now the hunter can fire the bomb from the inside.
How it looks in here! Such a chaos!
I think, I absolutely have to clean up this place,
and then I do the inspection of ah ouch ah
Give me back the steering key! Come on! Do it!
Ah, no! The Halluzinelle activated
the inspection. I got a right to inspection!
Well, the Halluzinelle isn't complete yet.
She is totally new to the rocket.
Ah, I see, Mr. Tichy himself puttered around.
It works so well.
Well, still better than a stupid vaccuum cleaner.
Ah, the Kullup stands. Give me the key.
And now, I'll fire the bomb.
And I'll do inspec
Hm, vaccuum cleaner and Kullups.
But at least, this stupid robot spat out the key for the rocket.
And if I'd hurry up,
I could still make it to my urgent appointment.
Where is the vaccuum cleaner?
He's doing an expensive inspection - of a Kullup.
And now, I also found an appropiate task for the Halluzinelle.
Why, later people said, I only made up this story.
Bad people said, I had a weakness for alcohol,
in which I indulge only covertly when I'm on earth,
but when I'm on a long space journey unrestrainedly.
Only God knows all the rumours there are.
But that's how people are.
They rather believe the greatest nonsense than true fact.
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