Ijon Tichy: Raumpilot (2007) s01e02 Episode Script

Planet der Reserven

Freely adapted from Stanislav Lem
When I flew on Sunday, 8 August
I tried to build in a new technical mode of operation
in the analog Halluzinelle
Stay there, stay there
Because until today
she wasn't suitable for working in the rocket
since she merely was a holographic image
and couldn't grab solid matter.
Ha, it works!
Now I could go on the long awaited exploring expedition
to a distant Galaxy where no man has ever been.
'Planet of Reserves'
With the Halluzinelle's new aptitude
- now she could grab things -
I finally had someone who could take care of the rocket.
Thus, I could use the old 'snoozetronic sleeping bed' machine
for year long flight times.
What do you think you're doing?
Just so.
With this 'sleeping bed' machine
one could do a long hyper-hyper-sleep
- for example 200 years -
without growing older.
So I would fly away into the unknown Galaxy
and when we'll have arrived, I'll wake up
and be as young and fresh as I am nowadays.
I've adjusted the heading.
Now I'll take a nap for 30 years.
Got it
How long are 30 years?
Eh, time will fly, huh?
But now I'll snooze.
Everything will be alright, huh?
If there's a problem
30 years later
When, after long hyper-sleep,
I arrived at the unknown galaxy,
I got woken up.
But something terrified me.
I've slept well for 30 years,
but I aged 30 years, too!
This 'snoozetronic' piece of junk was broken all the time.
[actually he always says something like 'insolencyness' ^^ ]
Where is this damn Halluzinelle thingy?
What an unbelievable insolence, Mr. Tichy!
Keeping me on standby for 30 endlessly boring years.
Why didn't you wake me?
You were supposed to keep watch.
I did!
I don't believe this!
Are you a little bit stupid or what?
I could die!
[???] 30 years.
Die? What will happen when you die?
When I die,
I can tell you what will happen then!
I'll be a dead rat. No more anything. Erased.
So what?
Listen! Without Tichy, Ijon Tichy,
you are doomed to be bored forever on this rocket.
Without Tichy, you're nothing.
Do you understand?
Now I was worried.
When I wanted to go back to Earth,
the flight would again take 30 years.
And at arrival, I probably wouldn't even be alive anymore,
because I would almost be a hundred years old then.
I went to the library and searched for a solution
in the Cosmic Encyclopedia.
I'd need a garage for repairing the 'Snoozetron'.
But the book said, there's only a single planet
with life on it nearby -
an unknown one.
With astonishment I checked in
at the bonded port of the modern planet.
I was the first human being here.
There were strange other persons.
Ah, you're a mammal?
Yes, I am.
Double injector, gas?
Single injector, air!
Thank you, very well!
From which planet, please?
Why, I'm from Earth.
Ah, there it is, Earth!
You come as a tourist?
Errr, I do.
At the moment, we have 'Ström' [?]
Now you're going to room 116,
back there is the reserve factory.
Then you go to room 24, please.
It's the pharmaceutical cabin.
There you'll get '[???] pills' against 'Ström'.
Would you like to glow during your residence?
Nah, not glowing.
Very well, if you think so.
Here's your documents.
You're mammal, right?
Yes, I am.
Very well then, happy 'mammaling'.
'Ström'? I didn't know what he meant.
We'll make a copy of the bud,
in case, you have an accident,
because of 'Ström'.
This is just normal, don't worry.
Don't worry?
Because in the many years,
I've been to a lot of foreign planets,
I've learned, it's important to be discreet.
So I better don't ask.
Taking pills is prohibited in my religion!
What? But it's 'strat' outside
I won't do this, I won't do this.
Ah, what a crazy guy, huh?
You're mammal, grey man?
As I thought. Here, take one pill every 3 hours,
against 'Ström'. There's an intense radiation outside
Well then, let's do it, huh?
Hey, lollipop!
Hoo, I had the feeling this foreign planet was about to explode.
But out on the street, nobody worried.
And so I came to think,
that this was the so-called 'Ström'.
Obviously, everything was normal.
But I could see what happens,
when you don't take a pill.
After a long search,
I finally found the only repair shop around
Oh, shockhorror, the repair shop is completely destroyed.
Is there another repair shop around?
What? Another repair shop?
Isn't this one good enough?
How's this supposed to work?
There's only a smashed hole in the ground left of it.
Ah, I see, you're a tourist, right?
You will get used to this,
when you're here for a while.
It's completely normal.
Hello? Hello?
Do you have an appropriate replacement part for a 'Snoozetron'?
Ah, a broken 'Snoozetron', huh?
Hehe, as I can tell from the wrinkles in your face.
This technology is completely out of date.
I can sell you the newest high technology:
a 'soul squeezer'.
I'll demonstrate it to you.
It's a great device, huh?
With the help of a saved reserve file
it disassembles the person into single atoms.
And after a certain amount of time
- for example, one minute or a hundred years -
it reassembles them,
without the person growing older.
We always use the [???].
On our planet, there are 'soul squeezers' everywhere.
Here, space saving.
But, what about the soul of the human?
Soul? Dead like a rat.
Doesn't feel anything. Died.
Thus, there can be no wakefulness,
no bad dreams, or uncomfortability. Great invention!
Ah, I'm a silly donkey.
I scattered your co-worker.
Don't worry.
This is the special specialty of the 'soul squeezer'.
The body consists of carbon, sulfur,
hydrogen, and oxygen, and a bit of iron.
And with the reserve file,
everything will be puzzled back together again and refilled.
Everything complete with your co-worker?
Why, of course. There's no trick.
But please, now you'll try.
I won't hurt. Just a little and then you're dead.
Nah, thanks. Now I know how this thing works.
Do you have an appropriate replacement part
for a broken 'snoozetronic sleeping bed'?
I'm in a hurry.
Pah, this is old junk.
You should better be a cunning fox and choose our
Are we there yet? Hey! Are we there yet?
Ar, the second time today.
What a misfortune. Muck!
So, you should better be a cunning fox
and choose our great 'soul squeezer'.
With this you will travel safely.
I see, you're wondering about our equanimity.
But this 'Ström' condition is there for 30,000 years already.
That's a sufficient amount
of time for getting used to reserves.
Well, please, I need this replacement part immediately.
I have to say goodbye.
I have a feeling, this planet is bit
Pah, as you please.
But be patient, I have to look for it first.
I've been searching for this replacement part
for over an hour behind the repository.
Yes, what happened?
Why, another meteor strike. This time it killed you.
But you didn't miss anything.
Unfortunately, we don't have this old stuff anymore.
As I told you.
And if you make a complaint:
it took forever until your reserve arrived.
Which reserve?
Well, your own.
Where am I?
Why, here in the store.
Are you not feeling well?
I'm a reserve?
As I told you before!
Where's Ijon Tichy? Wh-Where's Ijon Tichy?
My legs turn to jelly.
Wh-Where's a 'mirrored picture'?
Supposedly, I was a switched-out copy of myself.
What nonsense!
At first glance, there was no difference.
But then I made a horrible discovery.
I wore my jacket inside out!
That was proof; somebody dressed me,
who had no idea about clothing on Earth.
And when I found the remnants of my packaging,
it took my breath away.
Then suddenly I realized
that I went through a rejuvenation, too!
What's going on? I'm going through a rejuvenation.
Am I a broken reserve?
Nah, this might because of the 'Ström' radiation.
Just today an Algolanian exploded.
Because he refused to take his pill.
But you're a mammal, aren't you?
Yes, I am.
So, take your 'pezzo[?] pill' and everything's done.
But I'm a reserve. The can with the pill
was in the pocket of the other Tichy.
Well, I can't do anything about that now here.
This whole planet is as silly as a donkey is clever.
Now I understood;
I had to get out of that radiation as soon as possible.
Without this pill I would go through a rejuvenation without end.
And then I would disappear completely.
Demonstration, please.
The bureau of the bording port, I arrived at age 14
and the rocket at 8.
And when I was only 3 years old,
I quickly prepared supplies of taste pap
for the long flight home.
So that I just made it to the steering lever as a suckling.
Thus, I flew home with full speed.
And if my calculations were right,
when I arrived in 30 years time,
I would be just as old as I was when I took off.
You're ought to eat this, you rascal.
Now, listen, Mr. Tichy.
As it looks, at the moment, you're nothing without me!
Why, later people said, I only made up this story.
Bad people said, I had a weakness for alcohol,
in which I indulge only covertly when I'm on earth,
but when I'm on a long space journey unrestrainedly.
Only God knows all the rumours there are.
But that's how people are.
They rather believe the greatest nonsense than true fact.
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