Ijon Tichy: Raumpilot (2007) s01e03 Episode Script

Relativistische Effekte

When on Monday, 27 June, I flew close to Betelgeuse,
a small meteor, hardly larger than a bean,
destroyed the steering mechanism of the rocket.
What did you do there?
It wasn't me.
'Relativistic Effects'
I put on my special space suit
in order to climb on top of the rocket
and fix the steering mechanism.
Luckily, I had the right replacement parts in the basement of the rocket.
Mr. Tichy, I'll help you
Impossible, you're holographic.
You're only working inside the rocket.
But soon I realized, this wouldn't work.
Screwing off the regulator wasn't possible for just one person;
the bolt was too long.
I would need a second person
to hold the bolt on the other side.
I made up a complicated plan,
for I was alone on the rocket.
I took a couple of hours
to realize it wasn't a good plan.
At first, I didn't care.
But when lunch time was over, I had a new plan.
But the new plan wasn't good either.
Thus, I had many hours of hard labor
and the expensive tool was gone.
The screw wrench orbitted around the rocket,
but it was out of my reach.
Hey! Get up! Take your tools;
we go out to repair the machine. Come on.
You're a stranger. Why do you address me informally?
[He said 'du' instead of the formal 'Sie', which one would use for a stranger.]
You must be a dream vision in sleep.
I'm alone on this rocket. For so long.
I said, get up and come with me.
We have to repair the rocket. Get going!
Nonsense, I won't go anywhere.
Repairing the machine in a dream wouldn't make sense.
But you're not sleeping. Just look. Look!
Yeah, okay, you're Ijon Tichy, too.
You can address me informally.
But this also proves that you're just a dream vision.
You're as stubborn as a mule, eh?
You will be sorry for yourself.
The next morning, I remembered last night's weird encounter.
My lonely soul pulled a strange trick on me.
Because I'm the only human on this planet for so long,
I doubled myself in dreams.
And after breakfast, I recognized
that without the steering mechanism, the rocket became too fast.
Mr. Tichy?
I feel so diffuse. What are you about to do with me?
I'll do a certain adjustment of the holographic lense,
so you can climb on top of the rocket,
where we'll fix the machine together.
But I feel queasy.
Are you sure that this will work?
But when you're alone on top of the rocket,
keep your fingers away from the machine for the time being.
I don't know, if I got this right.
My task is to help you, but I'm not supposed to touch anything?
You'll wait up there, until boss Tichy arrives. Ready?
Obviously, the adjustment
of the holographic lense didn't work out so well.
The Halluzinelle was gone from inside the rocket,
but I had no idea where in the Galaxy she got out.
And when I saw that by adjusting the projector,
the 'nuclear pillar' overheated,
and the best piece of beef fillet was putrid,
I lost my mental equlibrium.
I had to throw the fillet overboard,
but this stupid piece of meat came by
at the kitchen window every 11 minutes.
I went to the library to search for a way out
of my bad situation in the Cosmic Encyclopedia.
Hm, but there was nothing to be found.
Then, I pore through the star chart
in seatch for an inhabited planet, where I could find help.
But the whole area was a desert
of cosmic gravitation vortexes.
If you come too close to the vicinity of a vortex,
there's a relativistic effect,
which are not predictable in advance.
Monday, huh? You donkey!
But in the floating encyclopedia
there was talk about time warp.
And thus, I had the idea
that if I could steer the rocket
a bit more towards the vortex,
there could be the 'vortex gravitatiosus effect'.
This way, I could create myself from another time,
so we can repair the machine together.
To steer the rocket more into the vortex,
I manipulated the controls for so long,
until the rocket was directed to the other heading.
This operation took several hours.
When in the middle of the night,
I returned from the machinery hall,
I saw myself from last Monday lying in bed sleeping.
Obviously, the time warp was successful.
Hey! Get up! Take your tools;
we go out to repair the machine. Come on.
You're a stranger. Why do you address me informally?
He was a stubborn donkey and said,
I was only a dream vision.
Because I still know that I slept well
on the night from Monday to Tuesday,
it was clear to me that it was no use trying anymore.
Now I experienced everything twice;
first, as the sleeping Monday in bed;
second, as the Tuesday in front of the bed.
I - from Monday in bed - didn't yet believe in duplication.
I - from Tuesday in front of the bed -
knew that there was such a thing.
Monday, huh? You donkey!
You, get up. Does it hurt?
Yes. From which day of the week are you?
I'm from Wednesday of course. But doesn't matter.
Come on now, we go up and fix the machine.
Let's not waste time.
But where's the one from Monday?
Monday, that's you.
Me? Why?
In the night from Monday to Tuesday,
Monday became Tuesday. You are.
I don't get it.
Nah, doesn't matter. Come on, we fix the machine.
Well, just a second.
If you are from Wednesday,
and today is Tuesday,
it's clear that the steering mechanism isn't fixed.
Otherwise, you wouldn't ask me today
if we fix it together.
You didn't get it, huh?
In the rocket there's different times because of the vortex.
In one part, it's Tuesday; in another part, it's Wednesday;
and somewhere else it's already a bit Thursday.
I mean, it doesn't matter. Come on, let's fix the machine.
You're right. Ask Thursday. He must be here somewhere.
You're a stubborn donkey.
The only good thing is, you will experience
the same rubbish as I do, when you're in Wednesday.
I had a nasty black eye from the Cosmic Encyclopedia.
But I also had a fellow for fixing the rocket.
You, get up. Does it hurt?
No, err
Yepp, that must be the broken steering mechanism.
What can be done about that?
Hey! What's the matter?
Don't touch anything, Mr. Tichy said.
Aah, right.
No, we're supposed to help him. That is our task.
You're a stubborn donkey.
I knew what that meant. I also knew
I couldn't convince this stubborn donkey.
But the idea that the time vortex
could spin forever, creeped me out.
But luckily, that wasn't the case.
The local Wednesday, near the kitchen stove,
was finally gone into the past.
Who's inside there?
Me? Which me?
Ijon Tichy.
Ijon Tichy, from which day of the week?
I'm from Friday. What do you want?
I want to wash my hands.
I had to think first. I was from Wednesday;
in the bathroom was the one from Friday;
so, the following vortex would bend the time
from Friday back to today's Wednesday.
The one from Friday wouldn't let me
inside the bathroom by obviously loitering.
Will you let me in now? Or come out and we fix the machine.
You don't need me. Take the one
from Thursday. Somewhere it's Thursday.
From Thursday, what else?
I know it better. I'm from Friday.
I've seen Wednesday and Thursday.
Take the one from Thursday.
What did you do there?
Not what, but who. That was the one from Wednesday.
The one from Wednesday? Why from Wednesday?
Well, that's a long story.
Doesn't matter. Come on,
Thursday, let's go and fix the machine.
Hey! You're supposed to refrain from this.
We could plug that hole.
No, we won't.
Ah, it works again, huh?
I don't need any of you donkeys anymore now.
I can do it on my own.
Step away, Thursday.
I'm not from Thursday. I'm from Sunday.
But Friday said you were from Thursday.
Hmm, I don't know what you mean.
What's the matter? You're lying, huh? Why do you lie?
Oh, just great what you've done!
Now let me pass, immediately!
I will tell it to Ijon Tichy.
You would tell on yourself then. What a [???] to tell on oneself.
Will you let me to the steering lever now?
I'm the oldest one of the the three of us.
If you will do the steering,
you're only past.
I don't believe a word you say anymore.
You're a liar and a betrayer.
You lie to yourself.
What are you looking at?
Up to today, I don't know,
where the Halluzinelle has been all the time.
She says, her memory has been erased
by a technical defect.
But I think she's lying.
Why, later people said, I only made up this story.
Bad people said, I had a weakness for alcohol,
in which I indulge only covertly when I'm on earth,
but when I'm on a long space journey unrestrainedly.
Only God knows all the rumours there are.
But that's how people are.
They rather believe the greatest nonsense than true fact.
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