Ijon Tichy: Raumpilot (2007) s01e04 Episode Script

Der futurologische Kongress

When on Sunday, 24 December, I flew close
to the 'Kubrick nebula' [?], I realized with shock
that today was holy Christmas.
For this occassion the rocket was a bit too untidy.
Hey, come here, clean up this place. That is your profession.
Why, today is holy Christmas.
[actually he says something like 'hallowed Christmasness.']
For that, there shouldn't be such much waste in the rocket.
Yeah, but does it have to be today? Why not tomorrow?
Not yesterday, not tomorrow,
only today there'll be gift giving.
Go on, clean up now.
For me, Christmas was of importance
and therefore, I wanted to have some tidiness in the rocket
for the gift giving on this evening.
You're ought to help me.
But I don't understand this tradition anyway -
sitting under a lighted tree.
But it doesn't matter. It just is important for Christmas.
It returns to mind one's origin.
But I know where I'm from.
'The Futurological Congress'
I wanted to throw the garbage on a small desert planet.
I was sure noone would notice it there.
Now that's a mess; throwing everything on this planet.
Don't act like a wisenheimer.
Cleaning up is your job.
You're my robot. When I say, clean up,
you clean up. Got it?
But Mr. Tichy!
I'm a sophisticated high-tech crew member
and no janitor.
A sophisticatedly tinkered high-tech device?
Don't make me laugh!
I still give the orders.
Now you go cleaning up every corner,
no matter how small. Go on.
What an 'insolenciness' -
Throwing garbage on me and my rocket.
But in the stranger's garbage, I found a weird device.
I had no idea what it was good for.
Now I was curious.
With this device one could go to virtual places
and simultaneously stay inside the rocket.
But I had no idea what this space was good for.
And then, there was an even greater mystery.
If I was in a virtual simulation space,
why was there a vending machine with beverage cans?
Now I wanted to know.
It's always the same muckiness with these machine automats.
You're a crook. But you won't get away with this.
That was the great diplomatic representative
of the 'Terrakana' tribe, in full gala.
You intimidated him pretty much.
Which race are you?
Diplomatic representative?
Where am I?
This is the Futurological Congress. What else?
I was astonished.
The tribes from all over the galaxy were assembled here.
But there was no human among them.
Stranger, which race do you belong to?
Take him to me.
Why do you think that your race
should be admitted to the Futurological Congress -
the cosmic counsel of the luminaries?
Well, I'm a human.
And the human tribe is, err, very very wonderful.
The human tribe believes in fraternalism,
in peacefulness, in scientificness and in musicalness.
But most importantly, the human tribe
believes in perfect Creation by God.
And therefore, the human is special.
Therefore, I think we fit into
this Futurological Congress club quite well.
We want to partake. Many thanks!
Good, okay, thanks a lot for pleading.
Now we will here the counterstatement.
Counterstatement? Everything became more mysterious.
First, I only came here accidentally;
and suddenly there were trials
concerning the whole humanity and their membership
in an assembly I have never heard of.
Dear supervisor, distinguished congressmen, human.
A long time ago, we already decided
that humans can never become members,
but let me refresh your memory and show you why.
You can see here, the evolution on jerkwater planet Earth.
And you can also see that it ran no good course.
After a very short development already,
the first human condition evolved -
the Debitales, also called 'Stupid-headed Ape'.
It won't get better
with the next evolutionary step, but even worse.
The development continues
towards the Idiotus erectus - the Perfect Dork -
a completely vestigial branch,
which unfortunately pushed through
and finally culminated in the worst
of all cosmic fallacies - a completely bare bodied specimen -
the 'Awful Hotspur'.
And one of those is now sitting over there.
Hereby, I repeat that humans
cannot be admitted to our assembly,
because his worst characteristic I haven't yet mentioned -
the inconsiderateness.
Because this wayward tribe from Earth
simply throws its waste into cosmos
and on our planet, for many years already.
Quiet, please. Quiet!
What a misfortune! Why of all things
did I throw my garbage on the foreign planet today?
Quiet, please, please, please, please.
Show understanding that such accusations
cannot be made without evidence.
Yes, I have evidence. This primitive human over there
indeed throws his waste on foreign planets.
If you don't believe me, here you have
a picture of his rocket at this very moment.
Do you have a blown out fuse?
I'll turn your power off.
You're a 'mis-tinkered' machine device!
How am I supposed to explain this to the assembled assembly?
That is your job, Mr. Tichy. I only did my job -
cleaning up - just like you wanted.
You're not content with my work, Mr. Tichy?
Now everything's tidy here.
It's about time Earth human! Are we supposed to wait forever?
So, we will make a democratic election now
here in congress,
about the admittance of humans or not.
You're now granted a last word to the assembly -
as a representative of Earth. So, go on.
I have a deep pain in my soul,
because you have a wrong idea of Ijon Tichy.
It's all a great misconception.
And furthermore, I'm not the only crook in this assembly.
There are other ones without a clean slate.
Er, stop it, stop! I will admit it,
I will admit it myself. Please, I will tell the truth.
Huh? This diplomatic 'Terrakanian' stole a coin from me,
but it wasn't that vicious.
He probably had an even more guilty conscience.
Please, I will tell the whole truth about Earth and humans,
because actually humans are innocent.
A long, long time ago, Earth was just a dead planet
and I came with my spaceship and we had a broken fridge.
Those two fellows here, Ger and Bot,
had to throw the putrid goulash soup overboard.
And on top of that Ger had a bad cold.
With this cold and the stinking goulash sludge,
they accidentally started the tragic evolution on dead Earth.
We 'Terrakanians' are guilty for we livened the dead planet Earth.
This way the birth of a malformation in the cosmic circus started
and the product only follows its innermost instincts
when it throws its garbage on other planets,
because it evolved in the exact same way.
As a compensation, I would like to
admit them to the congress.
Please! I'm so sorry for this ugly creature.
Goulash soup was the origin of everything -
the start of evolution and the marvel of human kind?
The human is innocent!
My vote for Tichy!
Humans are innocent!
Luckily, the whole story was only a bad dream.
This strange thing hit me
on the head and I became unconscious.
But at least the rocket was clean now and the waste was gone.
Thus, I could still celebrate
the gift giving a bit on the evening.
Aah, goulash!
Oh, what a bother!
Wait, I'll clean that up.
No, hold on, hold on.You're a meticulously built
and sophisticatedly tinkered high-tech device of this rocket.
You won't be the cleaner here anymore.
From now on, I'll do that on my own.
Why, later people said, I only made up this story.
Bad people said, I had a weakness for alcohol,
in which I indulge only covertly when I'm on earth,
but when I'm on a long space journey unrestrainedly.
Only God knows all the rumours there are.
But that's how people are.
They rather believe the greatest nonsense than true fact.
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