Ijon Tichy: Raumpilot (2007) s01e05 Episode Script


When on Wednesday, February 14, I flew near-by the Cosmos Post,
I received a message.
I've already been waiting for this message.
Dear Mr. Tichy,
hereby I want to empower you to participate
on our 'best robot 'competitioncy''.
Your application and the description of your robot
made us curious as a cat before the mousehole.
With great excitement we await the presentation
of your - as you call it:
'sophisticatedly tinkered high-tech machine device'.
See you soon and good flight!
Tell me, how far is it to the 'Prozytic Planet'?
We're in a hurry.
Mr. Tichy? I didn't notice
that you constructed something new.
Where is this robot?
What do mean? You are the robot. What else?
Well, of course. Let's go.
When I came close to the planet 'Prozytia',
I turned on the 'primary bragging mode'.
This lamp was used to show
that one has a really terrific rocket.
But unfortunately one couldn't rely on it always working smoothly.
But I wanted to do a good show-off on landing
and I wanted to show
that I had the newest model of the rocket.
Thus, I went to the roof of the rocket,
in order to see what was broken.
Soon I realized that the can containing the color was empty.
Hey, do you know where another replacement can with color is?
Mr. Tichy?
We have to head back.
You can't participate on the competition.
Huh, what do you say?
It's a competition for machines and robots, right?
Yes, I know. So what?
I don't get this.
I'm not a machine and not a robot. This needs no comment.
Do you have disturbances?
I tinkered you with my own hands.
It's apparant, you are a machine device.
But Mr. Tichy! It's obvious
that I'm no apparatus composed of single components.
Now, look at me!
When I saw this crazy robot, I had an idea.
She was colored. So it came to my mind,
where I had implemented the second coulor can.
What are you doing there?
So you think you're no machine device?
It's time you get a clear head again.
Hey, I need those coordinates for landing.
What's the matter? Go on, do it.
Yes, I estimate the time of arrival
at about one week from today -
What do you say? 'Insolenciness'!
What's the matter?
What? Did I calculate that wrong?
I feel sort of unstable lately, Mr. Tichy.
Maybe I need some vacation.
Are you nuts? Robots don't need no holiday time.
And robots also 'don't make no tiredness'.
You're acting up with me in trying to be like a human.
I started to worry.
With this embarassing behaviour, I couldn't show her at the competition.
Mr. Tichy! Welcome!
I have to say, nice colorful rocket.
Newest model?
I wish you a pleasant landing
and welcome you to our 'Prozytic planet'. Welcome!
The demonstration of my 'halluzinetic' robot
had to take place here, in the kitchen.
Because the holographic lense only worked inside the rocket.
What's going on now?
I think, I'm sick.
I don't think so. Quit your antics.
You're a damn robot; and machine devices
don't get sick or miscalculates or is tired -
As I see it, you want to spoil the competition for me.
But Mr. Tichy! I'm really ill!
Just look at how pale I am.
I bet it's the 'Mars measles' - at the minimum.
Okay, we'll negotiate.
I give you back the color can for a colored face.
In return, you'll make a good impression
at the inspection for the competition.
I'll color you.
Mr. Tichy?
I don't want this anymore. Keep your hands away from me.
At the moment of the demonstration,
I want you to be colorful and polite.
Now I had an even bigger problem.
I couldn't present my 'Halluzinelle' like this.
I thought about it - the error was caused by a bypass.
So I did a second bypass.
Maybe I was lucky and the error would go away.
That's about time, Mr. Tichy.
Yes, that's me.
Mr. Tichy, I'm here to tell you that we -
the competition comission - will do the examination
of your robot not until this evening.
You still have some time left.
Apart from that, everything peaceful?
Yes, everything's wonderful. Thank you.
I only have to refine some things.
That's better. This year
there is quite some competition, many high-tech robots.
Mr. Tichy, [???], and get well soon!
Thank you, but there is no need for it.
Droll fellow.
I became all dizzy.
If she only simulated a disease,
how could it be that she had real 'pox-ness'?
It came to my mind that maybe
I was such an ingenious inventor and constructor
that my creation was so equal to a human
that she even could get ill.
These pox were proof!
I was the greatest 'genius-head' that exists.
I wanted to use my time to see
what the others in competition have built.
Ouch! Ouch! There is no door.
This hurts. Ouch! This hurts. Ouch!
When I saw what my colleagues have built,
my mood got better.
Winning this competition would be no problem.
I could already see, whom would be celebrated:
Ijon Tichy, the great genius.
Mr. Tichy, Mr. Tichy, oh Mr. Tichy,
I'm looking forward to the demonstration of your robot.
Dr. Spermy, you'll be in for a surprise.
Normally, I'm modest, but I have to clap me
on my own shoulder and praise myself.
My robot and it's built-in capacities
cannot be understand with one's own head.
This machine device is tinkered with hand of expertise.
But I don't want to spoil your own look at it.
Come and see.
I'm already getting all fidgety.
But Mr. Tichy, tell me, are you ill?
Mr. Tichy, what's the matter with you?
I'm amazed. You were right! You're like a human being!
Or, let me say, I built a robot
which is that good, it is like a human.
You got sick and infected me. That's the proof! I'm a 'genius-head'!
Well well, a genius, right? I think
your most ingenious trait is, imagining things you would like to believe.
But that's a brilliant capacity, too.
This strange disease seems
to have caught you really bad, Mr. Tichy.
If these nasty, nasty pox ever will go away?
And what's that disease called anyway?
Err, my suggestion would be 'Idiotus Genius Pocus'.
Or 'Pocus imaginarius'.
Hm? The competition!
Until the demonstration I have to be as fit as a fiddle again.
Now I was in a hurry.
I had to get well again very quickly.
I needed power for the demonstration,
So I looked for my
'Finnish whole-body sauna machine dress'.
With a strong steam bath in the 'sauna dress'
one reconvalesces very quickly.
Unfortunately, I chose a brew with potatoe-garlic taste.
That wasn't so good.
Hello. Down here. Good Evening.
We're the competition commission.
We came to see Tichy's fantastic robot.
Where can we find it?
I'm very sorry, but unfortunately Mr. Tichy
and myself became sick unexpectedly.
'Idiotus Genius Pocus'.
It's even worse with Mr. Tichy.
I'm afraid the presentation
of the 'robot' has to be cancelled.
Ohh, Ms. Tichy, but we are wound up to high pitch.
Can't we have a tiny little look at the robot?
Mr. Tichy said, it was such a great machine device.
Yes yes, Mr. Tichy, he exaggerated a bit.
The device is just too primitive to be presented.
I'm your father, you are my robot.
I can see that with my own eyes.
Ms. Tichy, can you do us a favour and tell
the great inventor, constructor Ijon Tichy that he hasn't got the slightest chance
to win the competition with this.
Well, of course.
So, we wish you good improvement!
And next time, Tichy shouldn't subscribe so hastily.
He's a bit conceited, isn't he?
Conceit is one of his great strengths, yes.
I think so, too.
Good flight!
Goodbye! You idiots.
This Tichy
Why, later people said, I only made up this story.
Bad people said, I had a weakness for alcohol,
in which I indulge only covertly when I'm on earth,
but when I'm on a long space journey unrestrainedly.
Only God knows all the rumours there are.
But that's how people are.
They rather believe the greatest nonsense than true fact.
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