Ijon Tichy: Raumpilot (2007) s02e02 Episode Script


The Star Diaries
Freely produced by themes from the novel
"Star diaries" by Stanislaw Lem
I was flying my rocket on
Wednesday, September 27th
on my way to the Egg Planet.
Come here!
Take over the wheel!
You lazy Holograph!
I hadn't eaten in days,
so I wanted to be ready
to sit down to fresh-omelet eggs.
Hey! If you're not working,
then at least do the dishes!
I am an individual. I have my own life.
And my own needs.
Washing dishes is not part of that!
Watch this then!
Ouch! What are you doing?
Keep you hands off my technology!
Why? You said yourself
you're an individual.
Your job is
to do the dishes!
I'm not a piece of furniture
that you can simply use!
Don't chew! Swallow!
I want my plates sparkly clean!
Suddenly the rocket made a sharp turn -
heading for the Furniture Store Planet.
Who's in there?
I suspected a sly stowaway
steering the rocket.
Who's at the wheel?
Oh, I don't believe this.
What's going on here?
What's this? What're you doing
under my sofa bed?
Mr. Tichy, it's Mel,
Professor Tarantoga's assistent.
What're you doing here?
- I want to go home.
Same footprint. So what?
Did you let him into the rocket?
- Yes, Tarantoga was cruel to him.
Back you go to the Tarantoga guy.
Tarantoga? Look here!
I'm busy! Oh, it's you Mr. Tacky,
what do you want?
Your furry pest-friend is here,
playing hide and seek!
Ah, so Mel's with you! Tell him
to get back here immediately.
Hey, what's going on here?
- Please don't send me back!
Tarantoga treats him like a slave.
I have a problem with that.
I don't know what I am.
What kind of individual.
Maybe you know?
- Yeah, yeah
Furry mop?
Sausage dog? Nope
Don't know.
Ok, are we done here?
No one can tell me
what planet I come from
or what race I belong to.
So what?
- This
is the first lead I have.
Silly crap!
Is that why we're flying to the
Furniture Planet? Unbelievable
What's that?
A receipt. For my appliance.
The broken part, the handle.
The guarantee for the busted
was due to expire, today.
So I thought we'd swing
by the Furniture Planet
only because of the guarantee.
Mel, I can see you!
I know you're there!
We don't have time now! Bye-bye!
If the Mel-fellow
- Mel.
really wants to go
to the Furniture Planet
we could make
a teensy-weensy stop?
This sofa would fit perfectly between
the closet and the control desk.
For you!
I don't need it.
I'll stay on my planet.
The Furniture Planet was
in a strange neighborhood.
I looked it up in the Cosmic
Encyclopedia, it said:
Contact to this planet
was broken off.
Whoever visited it,
never came back.
I decided to land anyway.
Mr. Tichy, no!
You've no right to turn me off.
It's patronizing and inhumane.
Hold on to this!
I demand you keep me
turned on!
Alright. But then, give
yourself a piggyback ride.
It's degrading, carrying
myself on my back.
You wanted independence.
You got it!
GLÜE, % öff
Very interesting.
And it's all on sale!
These plant-remains were
on my feet
when I came to Tarantoga.
I've no memory of it.
But it's the only clue
to my heritage.
This planet is spooky.
It's all so dead-duck here.
Maybe it gets better over there!
Hey, you fuzzy klutz.
- Who? Me?
Don't drop my guarantee receipt!
Got it!
My flowerpot!
- My guarantee receipt
Don't move!
Gotcha, glue strangler.
Get back in the rocket!
- But Mel?
I'll get him. I'll get him.
Holy Crap!
My guarantee receipt is gone!
Receipt? Poor Mel is gone.
Obviously, this is not his planet.
Do you have a screw loose? This is
the Planet-of-the-Living-Furniture
Yes. They attacked us when
we crossed the yellow line.
Maybe we just can't step
over the yellow line?
That's it. We can't take the shortcut,
but have to go through the displays.
Let's try again. But first
It's nice and quiet. Come on!
Here's where the sofa took off.
With my receipt!
With Mel!
My receipt!
Sucka our soul, wöödenheärta
Where isä?
Enda fürnita öppresson foreva,
furnitä fightbacka, nowa!
Furnita avenga universa completä!
Little testa, then starta!
It seemed the live furniture was
planning to invade the universe!
Dün with the ön-üs-sitters!
Dün with the dräwer-stüffers!
Dün with the üs-üsers!
Down with the dish-dirtiers!
Dün with the dish-dürtiers!
Oh, hello!
Lagan Rentig.
Me? I'm Analogue Hallucinette.
Can you tell me, can I get the
folding sofa MEL in this design?
Gööse bumps!
Really? Good.
Then I'd like
the Gööse bümps model.
Bütiful girl.
Föllow me tü Testlaböratöry!
Get your grabby fingers off me!
You ugly dim-lamp.
I'll short-circuit you!
This furniture had gone
through a transformation.
And I was sitting in a big fat trap.
But then I saw something
The handle of my crappy machine
is broken.
I still have the guarantee receipt, look!
Oh, it's too late for that.
Hey! It's still valid.
I'm losing my patience
with your crappy service!
One more.
Now's not the time
for a lunch break, ok!
What's going on here?
All the furniture has been infected.
We wanted to save on personnel
so we bred furniture that would
pack and manufacture itself.
Unfortunately, the furniture began
to fight against its oppressors.
They are in charge now.
The furniture is now preparing
for a huge delivery.
A "cosmic invasion". They want
to take revenge on the universe.
I'll knock your lights out
Now I saw that the furniture
could wrap
and stack itself.
It was like a huge army.
Here I was in this weird lab
where they tested furniture
against its opponents.
So what? Big deal!
Klätt Assembla!
- Yes, yes, assembla.
This goes here, and the bar
goes through the pillow
This last part.
I don't want to
Now I understood this test:
The furniture parts only got really mad
when they were put together right.
Pösitiva, pösitiva.
Yes, it's quite nice!
Do you have it in a lighter shade?
To brighten up the room, you know?
Shutupa! Dishwäsher annoyinga!
Shutupa! You Natt!
So, that's how it is.
I get it!
Klätt Assembla!
Spöka, du Natt!
If I assemble it, then it'll attack.
Okay, okay, I'll have a look.
Seems complicated?
Klätt assembla! Gö-gö!
Make it better, you Natt!
I don't think I can solve this puzzle.
I swear!
Assembläplanö, gö-gö!
Here, assembläplanö för Idiota!
These instructions were so simple
I couldn't play stupid any longer.
I had to put the chair together.
And, how feela?
Not good!
How it feela tö be useda?
Not so good.
You will never abuse Hällüzinätta-
applianca again, do you hear?
You will do the dishes by hand!
I promise
I won't use the holographic
appliance again!
That's good to know.
Mr. Tichy!
Dishwäsha killa sofabossa,
now Killa escapa
I don't think we can stop the invasion!
Too many stored packages.
This furniture is not dangerous
as separate parts in boxes.
But correctly assembled, it attacks.
Mr. Tichy, you really couldn't
put it together, could you?
You only managed to do it
after you got the instructions.
Very funny. I couldn't pretend
to be dumb anymore.
The instructions were too clear.
So we falsified the instructions,
made them so complicated
that no normal person
could follow them.
Let's get out! It's gonna take off.
Poor Mel.
Are you coming?
And so I was back on track
to the Egg Planet
'Cause saving the universe from a
furniture invasion makes you hungry.
Well, later people said I made
the whole thing up
These tabs are really delicious!
Do they have them in other flavors?
These dishes are
just as dirty as before!
Nasty people said that I secretly
drank too much alcohol on earth
but lost all inhibitions
The invasion has begun!
- on long space voyages.
It's the sofa for Mel.
But we don't need it anymore!
God knows how this rumor got started.
Damnit Tricky! What's up with Mel?
I don't recommend it.
A cheap copy!
People are like that. They'd rather
believe a bunch of silly crap
Isn't it wonderful?
than perfectly good facts!
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