Ijon Tichy: Raumpilot (2007) s02e03 Episode Script

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The Star Diaries
Freely produced by themes from the novel
"Star diaries" by Stanislaw Lem
I was flying on September 30th
on my way to the Egg Planet.
The Mel-fellow had left
Professor Tarantoga
to look for his home planet, with the
help of the Cosmic Encyclopedia.
Not this planet either
I had an empty stomach
and wanted to get
to the Egg Planet quickly.
Took long enough!
Is it so hard to find a short-cut?
No, it's not!
But making it clear
to you is complicated!
I know you have a problem
with instruction drawings.
Then you show me
if it really is a shortcut?
I can't see!
I can't read it!
I know it by heart.
I wanna check it!
This is better!
Now, I can't see anything!
Is this kindergarten, or what?
Good news. I get my own chapter
in the Cosmic Encyclopedia under "I"
as in Tichy Ijon Tichy!
With my snapshot!
An entry with a photo
but my hair looks strange!
How dare they?
The photo should only be of me.
It's only fair to have us both.
- Changes.
Changes can only be
presented in person.
Due to limited parking
use only teleportation machines.
A teleporter?
I had no choice. I had to use
the old one in the kitchen.
Interfax DSL 56K!
How's this work?
Just sing the destination into the
microphone and you're there.
Your planet must have a teleporter,
you were beamed to Tarantoga.
I'd have gone back ages ago.
But I don't know the name of my planet.
Who's that?
It's the planet Procytien.
Pretend we're not in the rocket.
Get away from the window!
Typically stupid of you!
You wanted a short cut,
we had to fly through Procytien.
You know what a pushy-nerve-wrecker
this fatso Spamy is!
Mr. Tichy, I get the feeling
you don't appreciate
my work in the rocket.
No one home?
Dear Doc visitor
No one's in the rocket right now.
When I'm back home I'll write
- Beep.
Back home!
You stupid appliance!
You're starting to be a nuisance.
You're ruining my life!
Mr. Tichy, you must've forgotten
what it was like before I came.
Without you? The rocket
was a garden of paradise!
Mrs. Tichy?
If I'm superfluous,
I might as well leave!
Mrs. Tichy! How nice.
I almost thought
you were trying to hide?
Doctor Spamy, what a pleasant
surprise! Please come in.
Mel will be happy to see you,
and so will Mr. Tichy!
How kind of you, Mrs. Tichy!
I happen to have my suitcase with me.
But I can't stay long.
No more than 2 or 3
Mr. Tichy, look who's here!
Hello, Mr. Tichy! I'll stay for a while!
And I need to use your
Oh you holographic mistake-appliance!
I'm gonna teleport myself
to the Encyclopedia place
and make sure
the photo is just of me!
Mr. Tichy you're incapable
of surviving without me.
I'm so lonely and alone at home
Since my little Princess left me
I can't go to the potty chair
anymore. It's all stuck!
You can't imagine how awful it is
What's the problem?
Being alone?
What could be better?
You should try it
at your place!
Oh, Mrs. Tichy.
- Mr. Spamy.
Please call me Miroslav!
How could anyone leave you?
Mrs. Tichy, you're so nice and twinkle,
so beautifully bright.
She was asking for it!
If she thought I'd play along,
she was wrong!
Now, I would really change the photo!
But I was in for a surprise:
Spamy fatso had stolen my Hallucinette,
along with the technology!
He even used my teleporter!
To find out where he took her
I turned on the secondary
sneaky mode of the rocket
and followed undetected.
I feel all tingly
This was where he wanted to hide her.
That dirty-dog-of-a-thief.
Did dumb-ass Spamy really believe
she would let herself be stolen like that?
Miroslav! I'm so happy to be here!
Your place is so
Much more exciting than
Mr. Tichy's boring old rocket.
You think so?
- Yes!
Thanks for getting me out of there.
- Glad to be of help.
But I'm going to miss Mel
I was shocked! The Hallucinette
was there of her own free will?
A photo for my collection?
Let her stay if she preferred
this fat nincompoop!
What did I care?
Mel-fellow. Come here!
Be a useful animal and explain
this stupid shortcut?
Thanks for the help.
I couldn't have done it alone.
I'm too intellectual.
Are you sure?
Do you really think
Mr. Tichy will rescue me?
Oh, he'll come to the rescue
any minute now.
It's so sad and terrible
to be left alone.
You'll see, he'll be nicer afterwards.
So sad and terrible!
Now let's watch some TV!
This snapshot was no longer valid.
From now on
I was all alone in my rocket.
But I wasn't going to let my head hang!
She no longer belonged on the photo.
I wanted a picture in the book
without the Hallucinette.
I was a Cosmic Hero
and I could fend for myself.
Cosmic Encyclopedia!
"Splendidly Sudsy"?
Name? What process?
I'm Ijon Tichy.
- Ijon who?
Correct my snapshot!
This one's not right.
Inaccurate info. Infringement
against Paragraph 44g:
Biometrical similarity under 10%.
Come to the photo booth
for a new shot!
Silly crap!
It should be just me on the photo!
But now I'm soaking wet
and my hair is all wrong.
44g refusing to comply!
Force photograph him!
I can't appear as the Cosmic Hero in the
Cosmic Encyclopedia looking like this!
Follow me! For force-photo!
Running away is unfair!
I had to get out of there.
The silly snapshot didn't matter now.
I'll get you!
I had to find an escape route
back to my rocket!
Then I remembered
Professor Tarantoga
had a teleporter.
Oh, dammit, dammit!
There must be a way
to reverse this fusion.
I need your help!
What are you
and what do you want?
Oh, it's you!
I need to get back to my rocket!
Can I use your teleporter?
You have a teleporter in your rocket?
- Yes, why?
Then you could have beamed
Mel back to me long ago!
His place is here at the institute
and not on a vacation cruise with you!
"Vacation cruise", my foot!
I'm a hero, got that? I don't hide
behind a desk of
scrap-papers all day, huh!
You're ridiculous! A Sunday-pilot!
You bubble-brain, you!
- Look who's talking! Unbelievable!
Finish up first.
Sorry. Like this?
The nuts in the bag.
Is this good?
- Yeah, just like that.
Skedaddle now! And beam
Mel to me pronto! Is that clear?
What's wrong?
I'm a 44g!
Now who's hiding behind a desk?
Master Tarantoga,
a minute of your time, please?
Just a second!
Let's make a deal.
You cover for me
and I'll send the Mel-fellow back?
A soap-sud trail
I have an even better idea.
We'll do it!
He's got to be here somewhere!
- So you tin cans, what's up?
We are looking for a 44g!
The soap suds led us here.
You can't come in,
I just washed the floor!
What's that?
That noise?
Must be my assistant Mel.
He's all thumbs.
You know the little furry guy
Mel-fellow, why aren't you in the rocket?
How did you get here?
I said "home"
and landed back at Tarantoga's!
We'll find your planet later.
But now we need to get back
to the rocket! You go first!
You should take better care of him!
- I appreciate the advice.
And there's no 44g here!
You'll have to
Tichy's rocket!
Thank you for the useless info.
Good luck, you tin cans.
What's all this noise?
You're still here!
The least you could do is thank me.
And don't forget your promise.
I want Mel back!
I'll see
Back to my rocket!
Mr. Tichy, finally!
The Hallucinette is gone!
What're we gonna do without her?
Do you understand her shortcut?
What? You can't abandon her!
She belongs here!
Mr. Tichy, without Hallucinette
I won't stay either.
He's not coming.
If he doesn't come
I'll just keep you.
Since you came,
I can go to potty chair again.
Let him stay where he is, this
I'm gonna punch that
sausage-trunk of yours
"Splendidly sudsy"?
Oh, no, not together
with the dishwasher tap!
Ouch, my eyes sting.
We're back!
Now look at your shortcut
and fly us to the Egg Planet.
Get moving!
Pretty please
My little Princess!
You haven't left me?
You've come back!
Oh, I was so lonely without you!
You scumbag!
Step on the gas.
I'm starving.
The Egg Planet has fresh omelet-eggs.
Mr. Tichy? Hello!
I'm back again.
And I can stay forever!
Dammit, Mr. What's-your-face.
Where's Mel?
You promised!
My little Princess kicked me out.
Oh nuts
I thought I could sleep
with Mrs. Tichy
or Mr. Tichy, whichever.
To Tarantoga
What's that?
People later said that I made
the whole thing up.
Nasty people said
that I secretly drank too much
alcohol on earth
but lost all inhibitions
on long space voyages.
God knows how this rumor got started.
People are like that.
They'd rather believe a bunch of
silly crap than perfectly good facts.
Oh, the new edition of
the encyclopedia.
Let's look under "I" for Ijon Tichy.
Yep, that's what real heroes look like!
Ijon Tichy (Space Pilot, Inventor,
Hero of the Cosmos)
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