Ijon Tichy: Raumpilot (2007) s02e04 Episode Script

Biste-Fix Zeitblasen

The Star Diaries
Freely produced by themes from the novel
"Star diaries" by Stanislaw Lem
Cruising on Monday,
October 3rd
with my stomach still empty
I was on my way to the Egg Planet.
I should've done the shortcut.
If I don't do it, it's not any good.
Only I do things right.
You're so modest, Mr. Tichy.
Where should I hang this? Here?
A little higher.
- What's that?
Every doctor, lawyer or cosmic hero
needs to display a diploma on the wall.
But not that silly photo.
Holy crap!
I don't need it.
The whole cosmos knows
the name: Ijon Tichy.
Of course.
Ijon Tichy, a name people remember.
Ihjon Fishy?
Holy Crap!
Got it.
Watch out!
- Sorry.
It might be breakable!
Tarantoga has finally
invented something again.
It's addressed to Mel, c/o Ihjon Fishy.
Mr. Fishy, I'd better hang it up.
What's that?
Poor thing!
Mr. Tichy, isn't that
your flashlight?
Yes, but how's that possible?
Hello Mel? Mr. Fishy?
Tichy, Ijon Tichy!
Has my Befast-Fix finally arrived?
- What's this cheap stuff?
Watch out! Don't shake the bottle!
It can have devastating consequences!
Don't tell me you shook it?
Naw, I didn't shake it up.
Is everything ok there?
- Yes, yes.
Mel, it's time for the annual
Interstellular Praefectus.
A meeting of top scientists dealing
with time travel and fate manipulation.
This Befast-Fix is my newest invention
and, Mel, I want you to present it!
You're not flying down yourself?
No, I'll leave the fame and glory to you.
Soon everyone will know your name.
- What now? You're not far!
I'd like to, but
Ok, we'll swing by.
What's that?
Not important.
Let's get rid of it.
Iths here thomewhere
Holy crap
Hey, what's that?
- Got it
You jackass.
- What?
If you were less pleathed with yourself,
you could have figured out my note.
Don't insult me!
Where did you come from?
It's usthless!
I'll do it mysthelf!
I was familiar with the
cosmic effects of duplication
I knew that the double
was usually a dumb-twit.
You egomanic jackass.
You're gonna ruin the name
Ijon Tichy in the whole cosmos.
It was dangerous!
I have to prevent it.
This is my rocket.
I'm in charge.
Ouch! I'd like to know where
he came from, though.
Loudmouth can tell us later.
Now's it time for fame and glory.
Freshly ironed pants
are half the battle.
Freshly ironed pants
are half the battle.
My achy head.
Why am I here again?
You tell me!
I can't remember.
Out of my bed.
- Why me? Ith's my bed.
Get lost!
Tomorrow I have to present
my great invention.
I need my sleep.
But I'm supposed to present the great
- Your great inventhion? You're joking.
But ok, then ith's
my great inventhion too.
Silly jackass.
Next morning, I thought
it was a bad dream.
Until I saw he had stolen
my fresh pants!
Move over.
I'm presenting my inventhion.
I need to look good.
Hey, thleepyhead.
You can't go in those panths.
- What?
Freshly ironed panths
are half the battle.
Forget the pants.
No bottle, no presentation.
I'll do it.
Mr. Tichy, we've no idea
how this stuff works!
With my brains and your help,
we'll manage.
These snow Kulups stink
the same every year.
Mel, you left-handed klutz!
Oh, that's Ignor von Rant, the Dean
of the Interstellular Praefectus!
- Where's Professor Tarantoga?
I'm Ijon Tichy, I'm representing
this Tarantoga guy.
Who? Iljon Flushy?
Tarantoga, that old sissy's
scared to leave the house.
Arm gone, genius gone.
These are last year's exhibits.
The winners!
I was a little surprised:
Tarantoga, that dumb-twit,
won every year.
What's this?
This here is the Planet Brake!
Planet Brake?
The break is my invention!
And this is the bill
for infinite sums of money.
I came up with the sideways eight.
And here un-lightable
matches for kids.
For safety reasons.
You were here every year.
But only Tarantoga's on the photos.
Oh no, I'm there on every photo.
Tarantoga is just blocking me a bit.
I'm particularly proud of this
My latest invention
Now I will turn on the time loop.
It goes back and forth in time.
For this I obviously
deserve first prize today
I want to go to the buffet.
Mr. Tichy?
Mr. Tichy!
We need to find our stand,
we're up soon.
Ladies, Gents, Extraterrestrials, I'd
like to demonstrate my Mopedonator.
I need someone to volunteer
What did this dumb-twit think would
happen when they saw us both?
an object which I can shoot into the
Don't worry, it's safe.
No broken window.
I don'th believe thath.
This I'd like to see
So kind of you.
Now I'll take the flashlight from
Tiffy, Ijon Tiffy.
from Mr. Tiffy
and shoot it into the past.
Watch out!
This flashlight is really in the past?
- Astonishing.
He wins!
Why do you need a machine
that goesth into the past
if it does'nth come back?
- What?
Thilly crap!
- Frankly, I thought of that too.
Third place!
It's called "time travel"
and not "back-and-forth-travel"
Why are we even listening
to this loser!
What's your name again?
Iljon Flutschy?
Ijon Tiffy.
This Modeponator here, it works.
Do you remember?
The flashlight it flew through
our windshield yesterday!
That's right. This toothless
loudmouth has no idea
Hey, what?
It's my moment here not yours.
But that fat worm
wrote down my name.
Your name is my name, which you
are dragging through the mud!
At least give me a bite of that
- Get your own thsandwitch, freeloader!
It's our turn.
I'm going.
Mr. Chippy, please start.
I still didn't know how it worked
so I had to improvise.
Good-day, I'm Ijon Tichy
and I'll show you
a breakthrough in time travel
With this liquid fluid
you can blow a bubble
that "is completely
outside of a cosmetic"
No "cosmic time flow process".
That way you can travel
in the bubble
for "any amount of time
into the future".
Yes, into the future.
Shake once for one minute.
Twice for one hour.
Three times for one day.
And so on.
- Yeah, right!
I will now shake this twice.
Now, I'll send someone
into the future for one hour.
Yes, exactly.
- Mel, off you go!
- There you go.
Wow! I saw everything outside
the bubble accelerated.
For me it was just a second!
This is the proof. And it goes on
infinitely, if you shake it up a lot.
This made me think of
the Halucinette in the bubble.
I knew that I had really
shaken up the bottle.
Poor Hallucinette the package
Mr. Ilija Tiffy, how do you
get back into the past
if you are sent to the future?
You said yourself
one direction was not enough!
Ok. Boring, let's leave.
Mr. Rant, perhaps we could
discus my score again
You losther, you're ruining
my moment of fame and glory.
I'm fed up, now give me that sandwich.
Hey, I have an idea!
We just need to combine
Tarantoga's Future Befast-Fix
with the Mopedonator, which sends
things, like the flashlight, into the past.
Then we'd have a gadget that works
in both directions. A time machine!
Do you think it'll work?
We could sneak in at night
and swipe the parts
from the others
Did you take those parts
without asking?
You dirty-dog-of-a-thief.
- No, you're the dirty-dog-of-a-sthief!
They'll notice we stole all this.
But when they see we've made a real
time machine, they'll be so impressed.
What are you hiding?
You wanna stop me from controlling
the time travel machine later.
What you are talking about?
Do you think I'm as dumb
as a doornail!
Just a few more adjustments.
Look at that. Ith's an important part
for the chroncycle.
How did it get there?
- You threw it there. I saw you.
You're as dim as a lighths out.
Look what you did to her.
Mr. Tichy, it's done!
Isn't it wonderful?
Whath's this? It'll never work.
Hello, dumb-twit!
Mr. Tichy, to the right!
Mr. Tichy! This photo has a good chance
of landing on the Wall of Fame!
Sure, I had a great invention.
Higher, so we can read it!
Mr. Slobby, you can't take a photo
without doing a presentation first.
Please start.
is a real chroncycle
time travel machine.
Good morning
Mr. Tushy, Fishy or whatever!
How did the presentation go?
Did you mention my name often enough?
It's freezing out here, you idiot.
That's a real time machine
invented by me: Ijon Tichy.
You thief, that's a part
from my Mopedonator!
It's been missing since last evening.
- Yeah, a part of my swivel chair.
What's his name again?
Ijon Tichy. I'll remember that.
Ballpoint pen attack!
I was trapped!
If I couldn't break through a door
I had to break through time!
I had the machine for it!
You imposthor!
You stole my fame and glory.
You want fame and glory?
Be my guest, it's yours!
It worked. My inventhion.
Ijon Tichy. Get him!
It really worked!
A time travel machine.
But I didn't know the time
I was traveling to.
When I noticed what time
I had landed in
I was shocked.
Holy crap.
I had changed roles.
You're not flying down yourself?
No, I'll leave the fame and glory to you.
Soon everyone will know your name.
I was worried this would shame
the name Ijon Tichy.
I had to stop it.
I would send a secret message
to myself.
So, what's it gonna be:
Yes or No?
Ok, we'll
swing by.
The photo, how stupid of me!
Now I had a problem.
I was in a time loop
without noticing it.
- I have to do it all mysthelf!
I have to prevent it.
Now it's time for fame and glory!
Let's get rid of it.
1020 years later
Naw, I didn't shake it up!
Mr. Fishy? It's not far.
What's it gonna be: Yes or No?
Say no, Tichy!
Don't call me Tichy.
It's Mr. Tichy to you!
Do you ever think of anyone
but yourself?
I'm the boss.
I demand respect.
It's pointless.
If you only knew what I know.
I think, you need a few lessons
in modesty.
Stop laughing.
Later, people said
I made the whole thing up.
Nasty people said
that I secretly drank
too much alcohol on earth
but lost all inhibitions
on long space voyages
- The photo?
I found it under the control panel.
This photo can't exist!
You're just jealous.
God knows how this rumor
got started. People are like that.
They'd rather believe a bunch of
silly crap than perfectly good facts.
I'm on the photo.
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