Ijon Tichy: Raumpilot (2007) s02e05 Episode Script

Sepulken verboten!

The Star Diaries
Freely produced by themes from the novel
"Star diaries" by Stanislaw Lem
I was flying on Friday, October 7th
through a constellation
of total drought! It was hot!
I was still on my way
to the Egg planet
with a growling belly!
It's not a good idea
to eat salt on an empty stomach,
in this heat, Mr. Tichy.
Better than eating nothing, huh?
It's your job to do what
I say, not to think!
And now I have important
business to do!
Take over the wheel!
Mr. Tichy, I've checked
almost all of the planets.
I can't find my home
- I need to go now!
I'm always in the way
Oh, there's no more water.
Why didn't you check the water tank?
How am I supposed
to go to the potty-chair?
You drank up all the water not me, maybe
you should've thought of that before!
The bell!
Hail to the Chief, Mighty Elron!
Noble pilgrims, you have come in time
to the constellation of draught!
You can cleanse
your soul on our planet.
- It's totally Sepulken-free.
Sepulken-free? So what?
Aren't you searching for your place
in life, your smallest room?
Smallest room
You there, with the receptacle
You look like one of Elron's Waterboys
our most respected companions.
Let yourself be assimilated!
- Assimilate!
Assinme what?
- How do you get assimilated?
Look into the vortex assimilate
Give us your water, stifle it!
Who do they think they
can impress with this crap?
Assimilated, assimilated
Such a cheap cheating-trick? What
kind of planet is so full of jackasses?
I looked it up in the Cosmic Encyclopedia.
It said that this planet was a desert
Directly into the cosmic light-swirl!
You furry rat! Mel-fellow!
What're you doing?
Come out of there!
Mel-fellow, you stinky mutt.
Open the door!
Assimilate, assimilate!
Are you cuckoo? You let these
jackasses into our rocket?
I am home
- What?
Get over here, buddy-boy!
Look outside, water everywhere,
and you're water-shy!
I was shocked.
This planet was not full of deserts,
it was full of wet water!
Home, home!
- Mel!!
See? He was unhappy
and open to this kind of thing
because you treated him badly.
Where is your water?
- What?
We need water to serve Elron.
I don't have any wet-water!
I have another problem
I need to go to the potty-chair!
Oh no, he's still awake,
he didn't look into the vortex.
He wants to besmirch the waters of
Elron, the greatest sin on Aquarius!
You're arrested.
Off we go to Admiral Lurch.
What about Mel?
Beware, a sinner! He needs to go.
- I'll stifle it.
And you make sure this woman
doesn't destroy anything.
This planet was strangely weird.
It seemed hypnotized people
brought their water to this planet
and then they were sent to find
new people - to bring more water.
And all for some
Mighty Chief Elron, but why?
There's the potty-chair.
I need to go!
No. That's not a toilet.
Stop. It's forbidden!
So buddy-boy, you'd better seal that
mail slot if you don't want to drown!
I'll stifle it
Don't you even care?
Wake up!
I'll stifle it, Mighty Chief Elron.
Well then, let's try
not to destroy anything.
Assimilated, assimilated.
I had to go the potty chair so bad!
Maybe if I went, quietly
in the water
No one would notice.
I'll stifle it, I'll stifle it
All Elron
Hail thingy
But it's hard to go
when someone's watching!
Then I saw another potty-chair.
But it was also off-limits.
No one here was allowed to go
to the potty-chair. Why?
Greetings young tadpole. Did you
have a pleasant assimilation?
Yes, very pleasant!
- No, sepulken-free!
Good, thanks
for your valuable water.
Go forth and assimilate
new donors.
Thank you! Very pleasant.
Where's your flying fish?
I don't have my own spaceship.
I'd rather stay here at home.
Ok, then you can be
a watering tadpole in the nest.
An important job in the swarm!
Did you have a pleasant
- Sepulke?
Nah! What kind of question is that?
I'm Ijon Tichy!
Good, welcome to Aquarius, brother.
Thank you for the valuable water.
What does the word
"Sepulken" mean?
Sepulken-alarm! Get him!
Beware! A sepulker!
Stifle it!
I'll stifle it, Great Elron!
Behind the house
I saw a funnel pipe
with all the stolen wet-water
going to the tower.
I'll stifle it
Obviously this mighty Elron-Chief
sat in that blinky tower.
What did I care?
Stifle it!
He's still awake!
Good-Elron to you
- Get him! Take him to Admiral Lurch!
He needs to be blocked!
Come with us!
Keep your grabby-paws off me!
You worthless tadpole wanted
to besmirch the Holy Waters of Elron!
That means you didn't look into
the vortex and are still awake!
Now I'll put you into a state
from which you, like all of us
will never need
to discharge again.
Hey, Fresh-fish!
Bring the Mobile-hypnotizer.
I'm gonna block this tadpole!
The Hypnotizator, Admiral Lurch.
Block him, the traitor
Are you a gaga head?
- Be silent, you worthless tadpole.
I'm a respected member of this swarm.
This is my home.
Let's hypnotize you!
Stifle it
Stifle it.
Stifle it!
Holy crap! How dare you!
Dammit! He's still awake.
This is how a decent hypnosis
is supposed to work
I'll hold back
Yippee-ki-yay, fishsucker!
Hail Chief crap!
I'm not the scoundrel;
it's the Elron Chief thingamajig!
And now
I really need to go to the potty chair!
- He still needs to go.
There's only one thing left: The Worst
Case Hypnosis Machine: WC Urinella.
WC Urinella
You're discharged!
You're discharged!
Move it!
You're discharged!
Move it!
No one has ever outsmarted
Worst Case Urinella yet!
Please after I've been hypnotized
can I go to the potty chair
Move it! You idiot!
Mel? What are you doing?
So, that's how it is
I get it.
Mel, watch out!
Behind you!
We've got you,
you worthless tadpole!
Oh great!
You worthless tadpole, now
you'll be blocked and beholden
like we all, for the great Elron.
No one has ever
outlasted W.C. Urinella!
Look into the vortex!
Fresh-fish Mel, activate complete
blockage of this disciple.
Mel? Mel!
Oh, another one, drowned again!
Stifle it!
Stifle it!
Why did this WC hypnosis-machine
have to look like a huge piss pot?
I couldn't stifle it any longer!
Look in the vortex! Block yourself.
I give up!
I'll assinsimmate.
Look away!
No! No!
I've had enough.
You're a hopeless case!
I was now in a dry cell, the only nice
and dry place on this whole planet
as punishment
Although, it did smell
a little of wet dog.
So what? I was finally alone
Mr. Tichy!
- Mel-fellow.
What're you doing here?
I was arrested 'cause I broke
the supreme commandment.
What did you do?
- Well, I sepulked, you know.
I don't know. "Sepulked"?
Was does that even mean?
I did a wee-wee!
Dammit, I pissed in the water!
So that's "sepulke"?
- Yes!
You're not allowed
to go in the wet water!
It woke me up out of the hypnosis!
So that's how you snap out of it?
- Yes.
Now I get it!
That's why they have that sign.
Come on.
Yes, no!
Mr. Tichy, I can't.
I'm scared of the water!
Don't scold me again!
Hurry up! Let's cut them off.
They're trying to escape!
Hey, put the rocket in reverse.
I'm getting wet.
I'm being cleansed!
Come on, hurry up!
And how do you feel?
- How do you think I feel?
Marvellous, of course.
- Then it worked!
I'm in a great mood.
Let's attack!
Over there! Faster!
Let's go see what's up
with Elron.
I'm scared. I did it in the holy water
and that's forbidden.
There must be a reason for that.
I feel like a fish in the water.
The universe's drying up.
And I am getting wetter.
Sepulken-free and wet water.
Hey, servant-tadpole!
- Your wish, great Elron?
What's going on with that unblockable
Sepulker who's still awake?
Fear not, great Elron.
He is being dried out in a cell.
There is no more Sepulken danger!
Are you sure?
- Very sure, great Elron, very sure.
Have you seen my back-scratcher?
- Yes, great Elron, it's down there!
I feel like a fish in water
No, no. The Sepulker!
A fat fish?
- Hold back!
Enough shenanigans.
I've blown your cover, you fishy fraud!
Now I realized why sepulking
was forbidden.
This was one foul-fish, who wanted
a nice life, with pilfered water.
Please don't sepulken,
it stings my eyes!
No, not the microphone.
Please don't squeal on me!
Hey, you there!
The sepulker, get him, go!
Go on, catch him!
He's awake and he wants to sepulk!
You're not going to do
that to me, are you?
Hey, are you gonna let a big fat fish
make dumb-twits out of you?
I'll stifle it, great Elron.
I'll stifle it.
- Enough!
I'm not Elron, that's Elron.
A liar and a cheat.
He just wants to steal your wet-water.
You're not dumb as doornails, are you?
Which one of them is the Holy Elron?
There is no holy moley here,
and also no magic miracles!
Look, Elron is performing a miracle.
He's walking on water!
A miracle!
A great miracle, Great Elron!
Hey stop it.
No magic miracle here.
It's just me: Ijon Tichy!
We are unworthy.
Hail to the Chief, Ijon Tichy!
A planet full of jackasses!
But at least now they
had their backs to me
so I grabbed my chance!
It stings my eyes!
Mel-fellow, come here!
You dumb-asses, hey!
It's me Elron Tichy.
And I say, from now on
sepulking is allowed!
He allowed sepulking.
- What?
Where am I?
I must have been dreaming
Get out!
Let's hear the emissary!
What do we do now?
How should I know.
Let us build a fish sticks factory!
A fish sticks factory!
Later, people said I made
the whole thing up.
Nasty people said that I secretly
drank too much alcohol on earth
but lost all inhibitions
on long space voyages.
God knows how this rumor got started.
People are like that.
They'd rather believe a bunch of
silly crap than perfectly good facts.
Oh, by the way, I filled up our
water tank before we left Aquarius.
But I can't figure out
what the word "Sepulken" means?
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