I'm Alan Partridge (1997) s01e01 Episode Script
A Room with an Alan
That was "Big Yellow Taxi" by Joni Mitchell, a song in which Joni complains that they paved Paradise to put up a parking lot.
A measure which actually would have alleviated traffic congestion on the outskirts of Paradise, something which Joni singularly fails to point out.
Perhaps it doesn't fit in with her blinkered view of the world.
Nevertheless, nice song.
It's 4.
35 a.
m.
You're listening to "Up with the Partridge".
(Cockerel crows) (MAN) A-ha! And now it's time for Alan's "Fact of the Day".
Crabsticks do not actually contain any crab, and from 1993 manufacturers have been legally obliged to label them "crab-flavoured" sticks.
Another one of those same time tomorrow.
Radio Norwich, the best music.
Pray silence, please, for the Electric Light Orchestra.
The string back just gives you a bit of extra purchase.
Time now to hand over to mine breakfast host Mr David Clifton.
Good morning to you, sir! And good morning to you, Mr Alan Partridge, sir.
I heard your phone-in, and I liked your chat with the guy from Swaffham.
He was a wacky fella! Yeah, he was.
I actually think he was a bit simple.
Heard you laying into the criminals again.
- Vandals got to your car again? - Afraid so, third time.
Scum.
Sub-human scum.
Ok! It's 7 a.
m.
Wakey-wakey, it's the breakfast show.
Here's Yazoo.
(Music) Lynn, message from Alan.
Something to pitch to Tony Hayers at BBC lunch, Friday.
Idea for film extravaganza.
Plot thus.
.
Malcolm McDowell is trapped in the future.
He's being pursued by a cyberpunk from the past, played by Rutger Hauer.
Terrible idea.
No one'll watch that.
I've not thought it through, Lynn.
I'll call you back.
# She's a killer queen # Guaranteed to blow your mind # - Good morning, Alan.
How are you today? - Classic Queen! - Very well, how are you? - I'm fine.
- I like those earrings.
Are they gold? - Yes, they're rolled gold.
That's not really gold, is it? But they're nice.
Like little wax tears dripping from your ears because they're sad.
Don't cry, ears! You're on the side of a lovely head! - Aah! - Good show this morning? - It was a belter! Did you hear it? - No.
- Any messages? - Just the one.
From Bill Oddie.
- Did he leave a message? - No.
No, he never does.
I'm afraid, Susan, I've got some very bad news.
- Oh? - I'm leaving you, you cow! Sorry, bit of a joke there.
Backfired I'm going to be checking out at the end of the week.
- Are you going back to your wife? - No! Carol? No, God, no.
She's living with a fitness instructor.
He provides all her sexual erintercourse.
Sorry.
Dry skin.
I'm flaking again.
Apology.
I'm sorry about the cow earlier.
You're not a cow.
And if you were, you'd be a lovely Jersey, ripe for milking.
Just talking about cows.
- Do you like milk? - No.
Actually, can I talk to you? It's a rather delicate matter.
(PHONE) Oh, excuse me.
Sophie, could you deal with this? - Sophie? - Mr Partridge? At the end of the week I'm meeting Tony Hayers at the BBC.
And he is Mr NumeroOne.
And the problem is, I've got some rude daubings on the side of my car.
- Can you still drive the car? - Yeah, obviously.
I mean that's Do you know what it says on the side of my car? - "Tosser"? - No.
You're in the right ballpark.
No, it actually says "Cock, Piss, Partridge".
Is everything all right? Mr Partridge, um .
.
has got some rude graffiti on - Graffiti? What, in the hotel? - No, there's never any graffiti in the hotel.
Although in the gents a couple of weeks ago, I did see someone had drawn a lady's part.
It was quite detailed.
The guy obviously had talent, that's the tragedy.
But no, it's on the side of my car.
It says "Cock, Piss, Partridge".
Which is illegal.
- Is she new? - Yes, she is.
I'm driving around in an obscene publication.
I'd love to get my hands on the bastard.
Or bitch, might be a lady.
- Susan, could I take five minutes? - Yes, of course.
Nipping off for a fag? (SUSAN) Don't worry about your car.
I'll get Michael to sort it out for you.
- Oh! Talk of the devil! - Morning, Mr Partridge.
Michael, I was just saying to Susan.
Bit of a job for you.
Unfortunately some vandals have sworn all over my car again.
(GEORDIE ACCENT) Vandals, Mr Partridge? Makes you wonder what it's all aboot.
- Aboot? - Aye.
You know, vandals.
What is it all aboot? Oh, about.
Sorry, sometimes it's difficult to understand the Geordiepeople.
(HEAVY ACCENT) If they had proper jobs, they wouldn't be up to all this larking.
What? What I'm saying is, if they had themselves proper jobs to gan to, they wouldn't do it.
- A lot of them's from broken homes.
- I'm sorry, that was just a noise.
All I got there was "broken homes".
And a broken home is not an excuse for evil.
Look at you.
Do you go around drawing peephole bras on the wall? But it was different for me, like 'cause I was in the army when I was seventeen.
There you go.
They taught you a trade.
Minor repairs.
- Aye.
That and killing.
- Really? Oh, aye.
I've seen some terrible things, mind.
What, like three men burning in a tank, going "Urgh!"? - You wouldn't want to know, Mr Partridge.
- I'll be honest, I'm pretty curious.
I'd basically like to understand man's inhumanity to man, and then make a programme about it.
Anyway, regarding the graffiti, if you could .
.
kill that.
I'll see you reet, me old fishy on a dishy.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll do a quick fix on it for now, and You've gone again! Goodnight.
Idea for a programme, "Lady Shapes with Alan Partridge".
I look at the changing shape of ladies through the ages, from fat, chubby ladies of the Renaissance, to hard-faced Cromwellian sourpusses, right up to twentieth-century well-toned women like Sharon Davies and Jet from "Gladiators".
Jet from "Gladiators" to host a millennium barn dance at Yeovil aerodrome.
Properly policed.
It must not, repeat not, turn into an all-night rave.
Would you like me to lap-dance for you? Uh-uh.
I want a second series.
(KNOCK) - Alan - FIGHT YOU! Sorry - Come in! The door's open.
- Just me.
- There's tea in the pot.
- Oh, good.
- Do you want a cup? - Thank you.
What have you got for me, Lynn? I've arranged for you to see a show house at ten o'clock.
Good.
Got my fungal foot powder? It's a lifesaver, you know.
I'd effectively be disabled if it weren't for these.
I also rang all the companies on the product list you gave me.
Foster's Menswear said yes - if you get the second series and you wear one garment a week on air.
Monza said no to a free caravan and yes to a tow-bar.
I'll take it.
- Dolphin Bathrooms? - They said they didn't do that sort of thing.
That's rubbish.
I know for a fact Martin Lewis got two power showers out of them.
One for him and one for his brother-in-law.
Right, dry-skin cream.
I'm having an attack of the old flakes again.
This morning, my pillow looked like a flapjack.
Ok, Lynn, quick practice for this meeting with Tony Hayers this Friday.
You be Tony Hayers.
- Hello, Tony! How are you? - I'm fine.
- How are you? - Oh, very busy.
I've been working like a Japanese prisoner of war.
- But a happy one.
- Good.
Would you like a second series of your chat show? l think he'll be a bit tougher than that, Lynn.
- We might give you a second series.
- That's about right.
Ok, small talk.
- Would you like a Cuban cigar, Tony? - Yes, please.
Rolled on the thighs of a virgin.
I'm being bawdy, Lynn.
Enjoy it.
(Grunts) Well, he MIGHT make that noise.
Be a bit weird.
You said you might give me a second series.
Why is there any doubt? Things have to be compartmentalised, Alan.
For example, in this drawer you .
.
you have, um, things.
And sometimes you have too many things.
Abandon that, Lynn, it's not working.
Ok, doomsday scenario.
You, Tony Hayers, have decided not to give me another television series.
Why? Be tough.
The ratings for the first series started poorly and went downhill from there.
Are you being Lynn or Tony? - Tony.
- Be Lynn again.
- Can I have a second series? - Who am I? - Just say yes! - Yes! Thank you.
They were there when I moved in.
From Swaffham to Cromer on 106.
5 and now in Hemsby on 106.
9, this is Radio Norwich.
- Living room.
- I like this, yes.
Certainly enough room to swing a cat in here.
- Swing a tiger in here, really! - You could, couldn't you? Wouldn't want to, though.
Not unless it had been stunned.
Even then it's going to weigh the best part of a ton.
- Do YOU like the room? - It's very nice.
Lynn's not my wife.
She's my P.
A.
Hard worker, but there's no affection.
So, you'd be living alone? Yes.
In fact, the best thing I ever did was getting thrown out by my wife! She's living with a fitness instructor.
He drinks that yellow stuff in tins.
He's an idiot! Is there a neighbourhood Sorry, I'm very close to you.
- Is there a neighbourhood watch system? - I think so.
I'll do my stint.
I'd want expenses, though.
Otherwise people start taking liberties.
Before you know it, you're mowing their lawn.
- Shall we have a look at the rest of the house? - Yup.
One more question.
Quite nearby, I saw a community centre with a mural on the side.
- School for the Deaf.
- Right.
That means there will be noise or there won't be noise? Difficult one to figure out, that.
But they're just deaf, - They're not deaf offenders? - They're just deaf.
After you.
Not you, Lynn.
Stay here, get on the phone.
Pester Debenham's for free lamps, free lampshades, whatever you can blag off them.
- This is the kitchen, obviously.
- Lovely.
- Has this kitchen been distressed? - Yeah, it has.
What's this? It's a cast-iron egg-tree, lacquered.
Is that included? It's not a deal-breaker but I would like to know.
Everything you want to keep here could be kept.
Or not.
- Optional.
- As you wish, certainly.
- What's this little sink, here? - That's a rinser.
Get rid of it.
- Bathroom.
- Do you know what this room says to me? "Aqua.
" Which is French for water.
It's like being inside an enormous Fox's Glacier Mint.
Which, again, to me is a bonus.
Yes, it's an extender.
Fantastic.
That is the icing on the cake! Do you know, if King Arthur had had an extender on his table - It would have been a different story, really.
- It wouldn't have been round! It's very Cluedo this house, isn't it? Colonel Mustard in the en-suite bathroom with the lead pipe.
Battered.
I DO like that toilet.
It's very futuristic, isn't it? Very high tech, space age.
I can imagine Buck Rogers taking a dump on that.
In the twenty-first century.
- Do you mind if I have a go? - Sure.
Help yourself.
- Can I have a go on the loo? - Oh! Sorry, yes.
- I prefer to go alone - Sure.
.
.
most times.
Thanks.
It flushed on the first yank! I love this house! - Alan? - One yank, gone! That was Tony Hayers's office on the phone.
They've put the meeting forward to 12.
30 today.
- When did you get this call? - Three minutes ago.
What have you been doing for three minutes? - You were on the toilet.
- Was I on that long? It was in that area.
- We're going to have to zip.
- Right, Ok.
One more question about the house.
Petrol stations nearby? - Shell, about a quarter of a mile.
- Has it got a mini-mart? - Mini-mart? - Scaled-down supermarket in a petrol station.
- Sells pies, anti-freeze.
- Yeah, it's got one of those.
In that case, you've got yourself a deal! I'll take the house.
- Are you going to make an offer? - Oh, yes, of course.
- How much is it? - 325,000.
- Will you take 324? - Yeah.
- How many bedrooms has it got? - Five.
Five, cor! My five-bedroom bastard house.
Right.
Lynn, let's go off to the BBC.
I'm going to be back on TV.
- Did you watch my TV show? - Oh, yes.
- Did you like it? - I loved it.
"A-haaa!" (LYNN) What if Tony Hayers sees "Cook, Pass, Babtridge" painted on your car? (ALAN) Don't worry, Lynn, I'll play it down.
.
.
"Partridge" I can understand, but then "Cock" and "Piss" - A table for two, sir? - Yes, please.
- No, sorry, you.
- Yeah, name of Hayers.
If you'd like to follow me.
We managed to rectify it, because it now says "Cook" where it once said "Cock", and it says "Pass" now where it once said "Piss".
So it's slightly less rude.
Would you like a drink first? I'll have a pint of bitter.
- Just a mineral water for me, please.
- Actually, I'll have a mineral water, too.
- Will you be having wine with your meal? - Not for me.
No, no.
All this wine nonsense! You get all these wine people, don't you? Wine this, wine that.
"Let's have a bit of red.
" "Let's have a bit of white.
" "Ooh, that's a snazzy bouquet.
" "Ooh, this smells of," I don't know, "basil".
Sometimes you want to say, "Sod all this wine, just give me a pint of mineral water".
I don't think wine's an elitist thing any more.
You can get good wine in Tesco's now.
I'd love to make a genuinely popular wine programme.
Can I just shock you? I LIKE wine.
Despite what I said earlier.
At any one time I have nine bottles of wine in my house.
- Really? - Interesting fact.
- It's my weakness, I'm afraid.
I've got a cellar.
- So have I.
There's no wine in it just a couple of bikes, some smokeless fuel and an old bag of cement.
Gone hard.
Are you ready to order? Yes.
I think I'll have the Fettuccini a l'Arrabbiata, please.
Can I have the same, please? But with different-shaped pasta.
What do you call those pasta in bows? Like a bow-tie, but miniature? Like an Action Man bow-tie.
- Farfalle.
- Yeah, that with Action Man bow-tie.
Anything else? Yeah, I think I'll have some wine, actually.
Just give me half a bottle of Blue Nun, please.
- Loved your article in The Guardian, by the way.
- Really? I loved that phrase you used, it was very clever, where you said "Revolution, not evolution".
No, it was the opposite.
Evolution, not revolution.
Well, whatever.
Because that is ME.
Because I evolve, but I don't .
.
revolve.
Or vice versa, you know.
I suppose what you're tying to say is, you don't want another Chris Evans on your hands.
- No, that IS what we want.
- I'm your man.
That's what I wanted to talk about.
Your career.
I can see a lot of very exciting opportunities ahead for you.
Can I just say - this is music to my ears.
- Whoa! What are you doing? - Pouring the wine out.
I want you to pour a little bit, let me sip it, and then pour the rest.
- I've already poured half.
- It's all right.
That's fine, fill her up.
Here's to our future relationship at the BBC.
I don't think you should see your future just at the BBC, Alan.
l think it's time for you to consider moving on to new pastures.
- Have I got a second series? - There's so many opportunities for a man Let me rephrase that.
Can I No, actually I'll just repeat the question.
- Have I got a second series? - No.
Thank you.
That's all I wanted to know.
- Tony! - Oh, Peter, hello.
How are you? Alan, this is Peter Linehan.
He's revamping our Current Affairs output.
- We haven't met, but I liked your chat show.
- Thank you very much.
- Has he given you another series? - No, he won't give me one.
- Give him another series, you swine! - Yeah, give me another series, you shit.
Look, Alan, I don't want you feel that the I'll see you later, Peter.
I don't want you to feel that the doors have all closed at the BBC.
If you come up with anything else, then I don't want you to hesitate to call Would you like me to lap dance for you? Blue Nun! .
.
If you have any other ideas.
I'd be very interested.
Got them here, got them here! Right, Ok.
"Shoestring", "Taggart", "Spender", "Bergerac", "Morse".
What does that say to you about regional detective series? - There's too many of them? - That's one way of looking at it.
Another way of looking at it is people like them, let's make some more of them.
A detective series based in Norwich, called "Swallow".
"Swallow" is a detective who tackles vandalism.
Bit of a maverick, not afraid to break the law if he thinks it's necessary.
He's not a criminal, but he will go 80 mph on the motorway if he wants to get somewhere quickly.
Think about it.
No one had heard of Oxford before "Inspector Morse".
- This will put Norwich on the map.
- Why would I want to do that? Yep, fair point.
Ok, right.
Alan Attack! Like the "Cook Report" - but with a more slapstick approach.
- No.
- "Arm Wrestling with Chas and Dave.
" - I don't think so.
Pity, because they were very keen on that one.
Right, you'll like this.
"Knowing M.
E.
, Knowing You.
" I, Alan Partridge, talk to M.
E.
sufferers about their condition.
We intersperse it with their favourite pop songs, make it light-hearted, give them a platform.
You've got to keep the energy up, because You don't like it? That's all right, that's OK.
"Inner-City Sumo.
" - What's that? - We take fat people from the inner cities, put them in nappies and get them to throw each other out of a circle drawn with chalk.
- It's a bad idea.
- Very cheap to make.
Do it in a pub car park.
- If you don't do it, Sky will.
- I'll live with that.
Is that it? No, no.
"Cooking in Prison.
" - "A Partridge Amongst the Pigeons.
" - What's that? It's just a title.
Opening sequence - me in Trafalgar Square feeding the pigeons, going, "Oh, God!" I'm sorry, no! Stop! - "Youth Hosteling with Chris Eubank.
" - No! "Monkey Tennis"? There is to be no second series, and I've listened to your ideas, I've listened to them all, - and I haven't liked a single one.
- Tony, I've just bought a house.
lt's got a Buck Rogers toilet.
- One yank, all gone! - We don't owe you a living.
You are someone who has a proven track record for making bad television programmes.
That's bollocks, but go on.
It's not bollocks.
Your programmes were appalling.
The ratings were a ninth of what we could have expected, they started badly, they got worse "They started badly, they got worse.
Ooh, your programmes, your programmes.
" - Alan, you're making a fool of yourself.
- Who-oo Who-oo Who do you think you are? Unfortunately for you, I am the Chief Commissioning Editor of BBC Television.
Oh, let's forget about all this! - Do you want some cheese? - No, thank you.
- It's quite nice.
Do you want to smell it? - No, thanks.
- Smell the cheese.
- No, I don't want to.
- Smell my cheese! - Alan, please! - Smell my cheese, you mother! - I think that's quite enough, thank you! I've got cheese! This is cheese! Bloody BBC! What are you doing? Haven't you programmes to make? No, you're all on the BBC gravy train! I wish I was.
Take this cheese.
- How did it go? - A bit bad, Lynn! (LYNN) Oh, it's smelly.
(AlAN) It's got walnuts in.
(ALAN) Let's go! I wasn't expecting that, Lynn.
That was a negative, and right now I need TWO positives.
You know, one to cancel out the negative and another one just so I can have a positive.
Oh, my God! One can find some strength when you're at your bleakest moments, - If you open yourself up to new choices - Lynn, I'm not coming to your Baptist church! They always get people when they're down.
I don't want salvation.
I just want to be able to say .
.
"I'm Alan Partridge".
"Join me tonight when my guests will be" l don't know, "Chris Rea.
" Actually, he lives in the area.
I could have had him over.
- All right, Chris! - Hello, Alan.
I didn't know you'd moved in.
Yeah, just moved in, last week.
- I'm having a barbecue, fancy coming over? - I'd love to! - Do you mind if I bring my guitar? - I'd rather you didn't, it's not that kind of area.
- Do you like Mini Kiev's? - I love them, but my wife's vegetarian.
- Doesn't matter.
She can have fish.
- No, she won't eat that either.
Oh, forget it! You people! Come on, Lynn.
These people are starting to annoy me.
I'll tell you something.
They may have very nice Tudorette-style housing, but can they order an Irish coffee at 3 a.
m.
and get it delivered to their bedroom? - Nope.
- Nope.
I can.
I'll drop you at a cab rank.
(Music: "Jet" By Wings) Hi.
Can I have an Irish coffee delivered to the room, please? No? Er, right.
Tea? Can of Fanta? Minibar, right.
No, I'll get it myself.
# Jet # Jet # Jet # Rightminibar.
Kate Bush there, the lovely Kate Bush with "The Man with the Child in His Eyes".
which brings us on very neatly to my next guest, Mr Stephen Brai, whose father invented Cats eyes.
Stephen, what was it like living withbeing the son of the man who invented Cats eyes? I remember he came home from work one night very excited, and he Did he ever turn all the lights off in the house and run towards you with a torch hoping to catch the reflection in your eyes? The idea of reflection of course is what Dad was interested in, the idea of Going to have to interrupt you, Stephen, it's time now for Alan's "Fact of the Day".
"Most cornflakes come from the USA.
" One of those again tomorrow.
I remember I hit a fox once in the Peak District.
I remember seeing the reflection in his eyes just before I hit it.
It was too late, of course.
But I didn't kill him, that was the tragedy, I had to go back and finish him off with a jack.
This is Huey Lewis and the News.
No, it's not.
It's Kate Bush.
What am I doing? Sorry.
Huey Lewis, there we go.
Oh, Christ! I'm sorry.
(Cockerel Crows) (MAN) A-ha! No, sorry about that.
A measure which actually would have alleviated traffic congestion on the outskirts of Paradise, something which Joni singularly fails to point out.
Perhaps it doesn't fit in with her blinkered view of the world.
Nevertheless, nice song.
It's 4.
35 a.
m.
You're listening to "Up with the Partridge".
(Cockerel crows) (MAN) A-ha! And now it's time for Alan's "Fact of the Day".
Crabsticks do not actually contain any crab, and from 1993 manufacturers have been legally obliged to label them "crab-flavoured" sticks.
Another one of those same time tomorrow.
Radio Norwich, the best music.
Pray silence, please, for the Electric Light Orchestra.
The string back just gives you a bit of extra purchase.
Time now to hand over to mine breakfast host Mr David Clifton.
Good morning to you, sir! And good morning to you, Mr Alan Partridge, sir.
I heard your phone-in, and I liked your chat with the guy from Swaffham.
He was a wacky fella! Yeah, he was.
I actually think he was a bit simple.
Heard you laying into the criminals again.
- Vandals got to your car again? - Afraid so, third time.
Scum.
Sub-human scum.
Ok! It's 7 a.
m.
Wakey-wakey, it's the breakfast show.
Here's Yazoo.
(Music) Lynn, message from Alan.
Something to pitch to Tony Hayers at BBC lunch, Friday.
Idea for film extravaganza.
Plot thus.
.
Malcolm McDowell is trapped in the future.
He's being pursued by a cyberpunk from the past, played by Rutger Hauer.
Terrible idea.
No one'll watch that.
I've not thought it through, Lynn.
I'll call you back.
# She's a killer queen # Guaranteed to blow your mind # - Good morning, Alan.
How are you today? - Classic Queen! - Very well, how are you? - I'm fine.
- I like those earrings.
Are they gold? - Yes, they're rolled gold.
That's not really gold, is it? But they're nice.
Like little wax tears dripping from your ears because they're sad.
Don't cry, ears! You're on the side of a lovely head! - Aah! - Good show this morning? - It was a belter! Did you hear it? - No.
- Any messages? - Just the one.
From Bill Oddie.
- Did he leave a message? - No.
No, he never does.
I'm afraid, Susan, I've got some very bad news.
- Oh? - I'm leaving you, you cow! Sorry, bit of a joke there.
Backfired I'm going to be checking out at the end of the week.
- Are you going back to your wife? - No! Carol? No, God, no.
She's living with a fitness instructor.
He provides all her sexual erintercourse.
Sorry.
Dry skin.
I'm flaking again.
Apology.
I'm sorry about the cow earlier.
You're not a cow.
And if you were, you'd be a lovely Jersey, ripe for milking.
Just talking about cows.
- Do you like milk? - No.
Actually, can I talk to you? It's a rather delicate matter.
(PHONE) Oh, excuse me.
Sophie, could you deal with this? - Sophie? - Mr Partridge? At the end of the week I'm meeting Tony Hayers at the BBC.
And he is Mr NumeroOne.
And the problem is, I've got some rude daubings on the side of my car.
- Can you still drive the car? - Yeah, obviously.
I mean that's Do you know what it says on the side of my car? - "Tosser"? - No.
You're in the right ballpark.
No, it actually says "Cock, Piss, Partridge".
Is everything all right? Mr Partridge, um .
.
has got some rude graffiti on - Graffiti? What, in the hotel? - No, there's never any graffiti in the hotel.
Although in the gents a couple of weeks ago, I did see someone had drawn a lady's part.
It was quite detailed.
The guy obviously had talent, that's the tragedy.
But no, it's on the side of my car.
It says "Cock, Piss, Partridge".
Which is illegal.
- Is she new? - Yes, she is.
I'm driving around in an obscene publication.
I'd love to get my hands on the bastard.
Or bitch, might be a lady.
- Susan, could I take five minutes? - Yes, of course.
Nipping off for a fag? (SUSAN) Don't worry about your car.
I'll get Michael to sort it out for you.
- Oh! Talk of the devil! - Morning, Mr Partridge.
Michael, I was just saying to Susan.
Bit of a job for you.
Unfortunately some vandals have sworn all over my car again.
(GEORDIE ACCENT) Vandals, Mr Partridge? Makes you wonder what it's all aboot.
- Aboot? - Aye.
You know, vandals.
What is it all aboot? Oh, about.
Sorry, sometimes it's difficult to understand the Geordiepeople.
(HEAVY ACCENT) If they had proper jobs, they wouldn't be up to all this larking.
What? What I'm saying is, if they had themselves proper jobs to gan to, they wouldn't do it.
- A lot of them's from broken homes.
- I'm sorry, that was just a noise.
All I got there was "broken homes".
And a broken home is not an excuse for evil.
Look at you.
Do you go around drawing peephole bras on the wall? But it was different for me, like 'cause I was in the army when I was seventeen.
There you go.
They taught you a trade.
Minor repairs.
- Aye.
That and killing.
- Really? Oh, aye.
I've seen some terrible things, mind.
What, like three men burning in a tank, going "Urgh!"? - You wouldn't want to know, Mr Partridge.
- I'll be honest, I'm pretty curious.
I'd basically like to understand man's inhumanity to man, and then make a programme about it.
Anyway, regarding the graffiti, if you could .
.
kill that.
I'll see you reet, me old fishy on a dishy.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll do a quick fix on it for now, and You've gone again! Goodnight.
Idea for a programme, "Lady Shapes with Alan Partridge".
I look at the changing shape of ladies through the ages, from fat, chubby ladies of the Renaissance, to hard-faced Cromwellian sourpusses, right up to twentieth-century well-toned women like Sharon Davies and Jet from "Gladiators".
Jet from "Gladiators" to host a millennium barn dance at Yeovil aerodrome.
Properly policed.
It must not, repeat not, turn into an all-night rave.
Would you like me to lap-dance for you? Uh-uh.
I want a second series.
(KNOCK) - Alan - FIGHT YOU! Sorry - Come in! The door's open.
- Just me.
- There's tea in the pot.
- Oh, good.
- Do you want a cup? - Thank you.
What have you got for me, Lynn? I've arranged for you to see a show house at ten o'clock.
Good.
Got my fungal foot powder? It's a lifesaver, you know.
I'd effectively be disabled if it weren't for these.
I also rang all the companies on the product list you gave me.
Foster's Menswear said yes - if you get the second series and you wear one garment a week on air.
Monza said no to a free caravan and yes to a tow-bar.
I'll take it.
- Dolphin Bathrooms? - They said they didn't do that sort of thing.
That's rubbish.
I know for a fact Martin Lewis got two power showers out of them.
One for him and one for his brother-in-law.
Right, dry-skin cream.
I'm having an attack of the old flakes again.
This morning, my pillow looked like a flapjack.
Ok, Lynn, quick practice for this meeting with Tony Hayers this Friday.
You be Tony Hayers.
- Hello, Tony! How are you? - I'm fine.
- How are you? - Oh, very busy.
I've been working like a Japanese prisoner of war.
- But a happy one.
- Good.
Would you like a second series of your chat show? l think he'll be a bit tougher than that, Lynn.
- We might give you a second series.
- That's about right.
Ok, small talk.
- Would you like a Cuban cigar, Tony? - Yes, please.
Rolled on the thighs of a virgin.
I'm being bawdy, Lynn.
Enjoy it.
(Grunts) Well, he MIGHT make that noise.
Be a bit weird.
You said you might give me a second series.
Why is there any doubt? Things have to be compartmentalised, Alan.
For example, in this drawer you .
.
you have, um, things.
And sometimes you have too many things.
Abandon that, Lynn, it's not working.
Ok, doomsday scenario.
You, Tony Hayers, have decided not to give me another television series.
Why? Be tough.
The ratings for the first series started poorly and went downhill from there.
Are you being Lynn or Tony? - Tony.
- Be Lynn again.
- Can I have a second series? - Who am I? - Just say yes! - Yes! Thank you.
They were there when I moved in.
From Swaffham to Cromer on 106.
5 and now in Hemsby on 106.
9, this is Radio Norwich.
- Living room.
- I like this, yes.
Certainly enough room to swing a cat in here.
- Swing a tiger in here, really! - You could, couldn't you? Wouldn't want to, though.
Not unless it had been stunned.
Even then it's going to weigh the best part of a ton.
- Do YOU like the room? - It's very nice.
Lynn's not my wife.
She's my P.
A.
Hard worker, but there's no affection.
So, you'd be living alone? Yes.
In fact, the best thing I ever did was getting thrown out by my wife! She's living with a fitness instructor.
He drinks that yellow stuff in tins.
He's an idiot! Is there a neighbourhood Sorry, I'm very close to you.
- Is there a neighbourhood watch system? - I think so.
I'll do my stint.
I'd want expenses, though.
Otherwise people start taking liberties.
Before you know it, you're mowing their lawn.
- Shall we have a look at the rest of the house? - Yup.
One more question.
Quite nearby, I saw a community centre with a mural on the side.
- School for the Deaf.
- Right.
That means there will be noise or there won't be noise? Difficult one to figure out, that.
But they're just deaf, - They're not deaf offenders? - They're just deaf.
After you.
Not you, Lynn.
Stay here, get on the phone.
Pester Debenham's for free lamps, free lampshades, whatever you can blag off them.
- This is the kitchen, obviously.
- Lovely.
- Has this kitchen been distressed? - Yeah, it has.
What's this? It's a cast-iron egg-tree, lacquered.
Is that included? It's not a deal-breaker but I would like to know.
Everything you want to keep here could be kept.
Or not.
- Optional.
- As you wish, certainly.
- What's this little sink, here? - That's a rinser.
Get rid of it.
- Bathroom.
- Do you know what this room says to me? "Aqua.
" Which is French for water.
It's like being inside an enormous Fox's Glacier Mint.
Which, again, to me is a bonus.
Yes, it's an extender.
Fantastic.
That is the icing on the cake! Do you know, if King Arthur had had an extender on his table - It would have been a different story, really.
- It wouldn't have been round! It's very Cluedo this house, isn't it? Colonel Mustard in the en-suite bathroom with the lead pipe.
Battered.
I DO like that toilet.
It's very futuristic, isn't it? Very high tech, space age.
I can imagine Buck Rogers taking a dump on that.
In the twenty-first century.
- Do you mind if I have a go? - Sure.
Help yourself.
- Can I have a go on the loo? - Oh! Sorry, yes.
- I prefer to go alone - Sure.
.
.
most times.
Thanks.
It flushed on the first yank! I love this house! - Alan? - One yank, gone! That was Tony Hayers's office on the phone.
They've put the meeting forward to 12.
30 today.
- When did you get this call? - Three minutes ago.
What have you been doing for three minutes? - You were on the toilet.
- Was I on that long? It was in that area.
- We're going to have to zip.
- Right, Ok.
One more question about the house.
Petrol stations nearby? - Shell, about a quarter of a mile.
- Has it got a mini-mart? - Mini-mart? - Scaled-down supermarket in a petrol station.
- Sells pies, anti-freeze.
- Yeah, it's got one of those.
In that case, you've got yourself a deal! I'll take the house.
- Are you going to make an offer? - Oh, yes, of course.
- How much is it? - 325,000.
- Will you take 324? - Yeah.
- How many bedrooms has it got? - Five.
Five, cor! My five-bedroom bastard house.
Right.
Lynn, let's go off to the BBC.
I'm going to be back on TV.
- Did you watch my TV show? - Oh, yes.
- Did you like it? - I loved it.
"A-haaa!" (LYNN) What if Tony Hayers sees "Cook, Pass, Babtridge" painted on your car? (ALAN) Don't worry, Lynn, I'll play it down.
.
.
"Partridge" I can understand, but then "Cock" and "Piss" - A table for two, sir? - Yes, please.
- No, sorry, you.
- Yeah, name of Hayers.
If you'd like to follow me.
We managed to rectify it, because it now says "Cook" where it once said "Cock", and it says "Pass" now where it once said "Piss".
So it's slightly less rude.
Would you like a drink first? I'll have a pint of bitter.
- Just a mineral water for me, please.
- Actually, I'll have a mineral water, too.
- Will you be having wine with your meal? - Not for me.
No, no.
All this wine nonsense! You get all these wine people, don't you? Wine this, wine that.
"Let's have a bit of red.
" "Let's have a bit of white.
" "Ooh, that's a snazzy bouquet.
" "Ooh, this smells of," I don't know, "basil".
Sometimes you want to say, "Sod all this wine, just give me a pint of mineral water".
I don't think wine's an elitist thing any more.
You can get good wine in Tesco's now.
I'd love to make a genuinely popular wine programme.
Can I just shock you? I LIKE wine.
Despite what I said earlier.
At any one time I have nine bottles of wine in my house.
- Really? - Interesting fact.
- It's my weakness, I'm afraid.
I've got a cellar.
- So have I.
There's no wine in it just a couple of bikes, some smokeless fuel and an old bag of cement.
Gone hard.
Are you ready to order? Yes.
I think I'll have the Fettuccini a l'Arrabbiata, please.
Can I have the same, please? But with different-shaped pasta.
What do you call those pasta in bows? Like a bow-tie, but miniature? Like an Action Man bow-tie.
- Farfalle.
- Yeah, that with Action Man bow-tie.
Anything else? Yeah, I think I'll have some wine, actually.
Just give me half a bottle of Blue Nun, please.
- Loved your article in The Guardian, by the way.
- Really? I loved that phrase you used, it was very clever, where you said "Revolution, not evolution".
No, it was the opposite.
Evolution, not revolution.
Well, whatever.
Because that is ME.
Because I evolve, but I don't .
.
revolve.
Or vice versa, you know.
I suppose what you're tying to say is, you don't want another Chris Evans on your hands.
- No, that IS what we want.
- I'm your man.
That's what I wanted to talk about.
Your career.
I can see a lot of very exciting opportunities ahead for you.
Can I just say - this is music to my ears.
- Whoa! What are you doing? - Pouring the wine out.
I want you to pour a little bit, let me sip it, and then pour the rest.
- I've already poured half.
- It's all right.
That's fine, fill her up.
Here's to our future relationship at the BBC.
I don't think you should see your future just at the BBC, Alan.
l think it's time for you to consider moving on to new pastures.
- Have I got a second series? - There's so many opportunities for a man Let me rephrase that.
Can I No, actually I'll just repeat the question.
- Have I got a second series? - No.
Thank you.
That's all I wanted to know.
- Tony! - Oh, Peter, hello.
How are you? Alan, this is Peter Linehan.
He's revamping our Current Affairs output.
- We haven't met, but I liked your chat show.
- Thank you very much.
- Has he given you another series? - No, he won't give me one.
- Give him another series, you swine! - Yeah, give me another series, you shit.
Look, Alan, I don't want you feel that the I'll see you later, Peter.
I don't want you to feel that the doors have all closed at the BBC.
If you come up with anything else, then I don't want you to hesitate to call Would you like me to lap dance for you? Blue Nun! .
.
If you have any other ideas.
I'd be very interested.
Got them here, got them here! Right, Ok.
"Shoestring", "Taggart", "Spender", "Bergerac", "Morse".
What does that say to you about regional detective series? - There's too many of them? - That's one way of looking at it.
Another way of looking at it is people like them, let's make some more of them.
A detective series based in Norwich, called "Swallow".
"Swallow" is a detective who tackles vandalism.
Bit of a maverick, not afraid to break the law if he thinks it's necessary.
He's not a criminal, but he will go 80 mph on the motorway if he wants to get somewhere quickly.
Think about it.
No one had heard of Oxford before "Inspector Morse".
- This will put Norwich on the map.
- Why would I want to do that? Yep, fair point.
Ok, right.
Alan Attack! Like the "Cook Report" - but with a more slapstick approach.
- No.
- "Arm Wrestling with Chas and Dave.
" - I don't think so.
Pity, because they were very keen on that one.
Right, you'll like this.
"Knowing M.
E.
, Knowing You.
" I, Alan Partridge, talk to M.
E.
sufferers about their condition.
We intersperse it with their favourite pop songs, make it light-hearted, give them a platform.
You've got to keep the energy up, because You don't like it? That's all right, that's OK.
"Inner-City Sumo.
" - What's that? - We take fat people from the inner cities, put them in nappies and get them to throw each other out of a circle drawn with chalk.
- It's a bad idea.
- Very cheap to make.
Do it in a pub car park.
- If you don't do it, Sky will.
- I'll live with that.
Is that it? No, no.
"Cooking in Prison.
" - "A Partridge Amongst the Pigeons.
" - What's that? It's just a title.
Opening sequence - me in Trafalgar Square feeding the pigeons, going, "Oh, God!" I'm sorry, no! Stop! - "Youth Hosteling with Chris Eubank.
" - No! "Monkey Tennis"? There is to be no second series, and I've listened to your ideas, I've listened to them all, - and I haven't liked a single one.
- Tony, I've just bought a house.
lt's got a Buck Rogers toilet.
- One yank, all gone! - We don't owe you a living.
You are someone who has a proven track record for making bad television programmes.
That's bollocks, but go on.
It's not bollocks.
Your programmes were appalling.
The ratings were a ninth of what we could have expected, they started badly, they got worse "They started badly, they got worse.
Ooh, your programmes, your programmes.
" - Alan, you're making a fool of yourself.
- Who-oo Who-oo Who do you think you are? Unfortunately for you, I am the Chief Commissioning Editor of BBC Television.
Oh, let's forget about all this! - Do you want some cheese? - No, thank you.
- It's quite nice.
Do you want to smell it? - No, thanks.
- Smell the cheese.
- No, I don't want to.
- Smell my cheese! - Alan, please! - Smell my cheese, you mother! - I think that's quite enough, thank you! I've got cheese! This is cheese! Bloody BBC! What are you doing? Haven't you programmes to make? No, you're all on the BBC gravy train! I wish I was.
Take this cheese.
- How did it go? - A bit bad, Lynn! (LYNN) Oh, it's smelly.
(AlAN) It's got walnuts in.
(ALAN) Let's go! I wasn't expecting that, Lynn.
That was a negative, and right now I need TWO positives.
You know, one to cancel out the negative and another one just so I can have a positive.
Oh, my God! One can find some strength when you're at your bleakest moments, - If you open yourself up to new choices - Lynn, I'm not coming to your Baptist church! They always get people when they're down.
I don't want salvation.
I just want to be able to say .
.
"I'm Alan Partridge".
"Join me tonight when my guests will be" l don't know, "Chris Rea.
" Actually, he lives in the area.
I could have had him over.
- All right, Chris! - Hello, Alan.
I didn't know you'd moved in.
Yeah, just moved in, last week.
- I'm having a barbecue, fancy coming over? - I'd love to! - Do you mind if I bring my guitar? - I'd rather you didn't, it's not that kind of area.
- Do you like Mini Kiev's? - I love them, but my wife's vegetarian.
- Doesn't matter.
She can have fish.
- No, she won't eat that either.
Oh, forget it! You people! Come on, Lynn.
These people are starting to annoy me.
I'll tell you something.
They may have very nice Tudorette-style housing, but can they order an Irish coffee at 3 a.
m.
and get it delivered to their bedroom? - Nope.
- Nope.
I can.
I'll drop you at a cab rank.
(Music: "Jet" By Wings) Hi.
Can I have an Irish coffee delivered to the room, please? No? Er, right.
Tea? Can of Fanta? Minibar, right.
No, I'll get it myself.
# Jet # Jet # Jet # Rightminibar.
Kate Bush there, the lovely Kate Bush with "The Man with the Child in His Eyes".
which brings us on very neatly to my next guest, Mr Stephen Brai, whose father invented Cats eyes.
Stephen, what was it like living withbeing the son of the man who invented Cats eyes? I remember he came home from work one night very excited, and he Did he ever turn all the lights off in the house and run towards you with a torch hoping to catch the reflection in your eyes? The idea of reflection of course is what Dad was interested in, the idea of Going to have to interrupt you, Stephen, it's time now for Alan's "Fact of the Day".
"Most cornflakes come from the USA.
" One of those again tomorrow.
I remember I hit a fox once in the Peak District.
I remember seeing the reflection in his eyes just before I hit it.
It was too late, of course.
But I didn't kill him, that was the tragedy, I had to go back and finish him off with a jack.
This is Huey Lewis and the News.
No, it's not.
It's Kate Bush.
What am I doing? Sorry.
Huey Lewis, there we go.
Oh, Christ! I'm sorry.
(Cockerel Crows) (MAN) A-ha! No, sorry about that.