I'm Alan Partridge (1997) s01e02 Episode Script
Alan Attraction
(Rock Music) Hmm! A nice big thick slice of Thin Lizzy.
That was for my tireless P.
A.
, Lynn, 50, who is as diligent and hard-working a creature as ever graced this world we call .
.
Earth.
It's 4.
39 a.
m.
Time to run yourself a big bath.
It's Chris Rea.
Very malty.
There will be no telephone Cluedo today because of a threat of a court injunction from the makers of Cluedo.
It's 6.
58 a.
m.
(Cockerel Crows) - A-ha! (Kiss) Ha-ha-ha-ha.
That kissing sound isn't someone kissing me, or kissing a cock.
It's simply A cockerel, I mean.
It's simply a way of saying it's Valentine's Day.
A day upon which Mr Al Capone ruined a romantic night out for many diners by massacring them.
Died of syphilis, he did.
So there is some justice.
Anyway, time for me now to hand over to a man who will hopefully not be massacring anyone this evening, or indeed, killing them with syphilis.
Here's Monsieur David Clifton.
Ah, bonjour, Monsieur Partridge.
Comment allez-vous, Monsieur? Yeah, whatever.
Did you get any Valentine's cards this morning? Actually, I came down this morning and I couldn't open my door.
- Lose your key? - I couldn't open my door as I'd lost my key.
I did just say that.
Anyway, chocolate oranges It's 7 a.
m.
and we've got a good show lined up for you - Do you like chocolate? - Pardon Yeah, love it.
I've really got to say this, Dave.
Chocolate oranges are available from Rawlinsons, that's all.
OK, it's 7 a.
m.
and first of all we got China Crisis.
- Morning.
- All right? - Sorry? - Good morning.
That's the one.
- Susan, is he new? - Yes, he started yesterday.
- He said "Good morning" with his back to me.
- He's OK.
It's just I've never seen that done before.
- Anyway, happy Valentine's Day.
How are you? - I'm a bit tired.
I need my beauty sleep.
You don't need beauty sleep.
Well, forty winks.
- Did you get the chocolate orange.
- Yes, thank you.
You might find some superficial damage to the box, but the chocolate's perfectly edible.
I'm giving them to all ladies I know aged fifty and under.
Over fifty just seems sarcastic.
I'm afraid I need to watch my figure.
I'll watch it for you! Through my little binoculars, whoo! Mind you, I can't talk.
I've got a fat back.
- What's that? - A build-up of fatty deposits over the belt line.
It's fairly well concealed in casual clothing, but you don't want to see me in my underpants.
Sophie, did you get your chocolate orange? I got you dark chocolate because you don't like milk.
- I do like milk chocolate.
- I could exchange it.
- I could talk to my chocolate people.
- Yes, please.
Have you tampered with the wrapping? No, but there is a bit of superficial damage to the box.
Don't worry about the damage, they're all damaged.
- Have you kept it below room temperature? - I don't think so.
In that case, I'm afraid you've invalidated the warranty.
Above room temperature, it all congealed into one big dark chocolate cricket ball.
So I'm afraid consumer rights no longer apply.
You could try "Watchdog", but I think they've got bigger fish to fry.
- Excuse me, are you Alan Partridge? - Yes.
- You dropped your ID card, "Radio Norwich".
- Oh, thanks.
- All right? - Good morning.
Actually, Sophie, there's an issue I've been meaning to raise for the last two weeks.
You know those little soaps you leave in the shower room? They will withstand, at best, one aggressive body scrub.
They start off the size of mini Frisbees, and they end up like actual-size Paracetamol.
- Can't you use two? - I suppose that might work.
I'll just write that down.
Hello, Susan.
Sorry, have I upset her? - No, she's fine.
- Right.
Alan, did you send Sophie a Valentine's card this morning? Oh, God, no.
I'm old enough to be her father.
Well, her older brother.
Either way it's incest.
Ben? Did you send Sophie a Valentine's card? I'm not at liberty to divulge that information.
You know, the fact that he made that jokey remark doesn't mean he sent you the card.
- Did you send it? - No, I sent you a chocolate orange, - but I had the decency to admit it.
- Come on, Alan, it's just a bit of fun.
A lie is a lie.
- Your P.
A.
's here.
- Hello, Lynn, shall we grab a pew? - Thanks for my dedication this morning.
- You're welcome.
You realise it was nothing to do with Valentine's Day? - What have you got for me? - Do you want the good news or the bad news? The good news.
Rawlinsons will give you 50 more shop-soiled chocolate oranges if you plug them again.
Excellent.
And the bad news? The accountants say that since you've definitely not got a second series from the BBC, you're going to have to sack everyone and close the office down - or they'll declare you bankrupt on Friday.
- Right.
Still, good news about the chocolate oranges.
Alan, you're going to have to trade down your Rover 800 for a smaller car.
- Go on.
- I picked up these brochures for the new Metro.
- Lynn, I'm not driving a Mini Metro.
- But you DO have to make substantial savings.
I'm not driving a Mini Metro.
But if you do, you can keep the company with a skeleton staff - There's no point in finishing the sentence.
- But if you - Lynn! I'll just speak over you.
- But No! Go on, try and finish the sentence and see what I do.
- Go on! - With a I'm not driving a Mini Metro, I'm not driving a Mini Metro, I'm not driving a Mini Metro.
No.
No, it's different it's called a Rover Metro now.
They've re-badged it, you fool! If you want a Rover 200, you're going to have to sack everyone at Pear Tree Productions.
- Fine.
- Including Jill.
Jill.
Lovely Jill.
She's my favourite But fine, I'll sack her.
- You smiled then, Lynn.
- No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
I can read you like a book.
And not a very good book.
Certainly not "Bravo Two Zero" by Andy McNab, which actually improves with every read.
You smiled because you don't like Jill because she's younger than you.
- No, she's not.
She's fifty.
- So's Helen Mirren.
- So's Benjamin Netanyahu.
- You're always going on about him! Let it go, Lynn.
You're never going to meet him.
I'm going to get a spot of breakfast.
Oh, quick tip, Lynn.
You know the breakfast buffet? Eat as much as you like, but from an eight-inch plate.
See that? Twelve inches Keep it in my room.
See you later.
(Geordie Accent) Aye-aye, Mr Partridge, morning.
Valentine's Day today, eh? Love is in the air.
- It's Valentine's Day, and love is in the air? - Aye, aye! I'm getting the hang of this.
Mind you, I have been here ten weeks.
- Are we having the full English breakfast? - Yes, can I have my sausages burnt to a crisp, so they can only be identified by reference to their dental records? OK, either that or the fingerprints, eh? - Can you fingerprint a sausage? - Eh, well, I suppose technically you could.
I suppose if I was a burglar and I wanted to avoid detection I could strap sausages to my fingers.
Probably survive a couple of break-ins before it started to fall apart.
Aye.
Or maybe have just a beef burger for your palm.
No, that's a bit too far-fetched.
I do enjoy these chats in the morning.
# Eighteen till I die, I'm gonna be eighteen till I die # - Morning, everyone.
Morning, Jill.
- Thanks for the chocolate orange, Alan.
You're welcome.
Did you notice anything about the box? - No.
- Exactly.
All the others had superficial damage.
I paid for yours.
All your segments are intact.
Well, they were when I looked this morning.
Alan, have we got a second series? Yes.
(Cheers) I'll go and get some champagne, shall I? - Actually, Bill, sparkling wine'll be fine.
- Whatever.
- I'll get some crisps and things.
- Actually, Jill, a pipe of Pringles will suffice.
- Unless there's anything else you fancy.
- Eeeer! No, just a pipe of Pringles, fine.
Would you like me to lap dance for you? I want a second series.
- I like your thong.
- It's vulcanised rubber which means it won't perish.
Bash your arse! Any more news, Alan? It's in the bag, you're all on board, details to follow, and -.
.
and who left this coffee cup here? - Sorry, I meant to clean it last night.
- That's not good enough.
You're sacked! - What? l will not have uncleansed coffee cups here.
The plague started from a malattended surface.
- What are you doing? - You're sacked, too.
- Why? - Because you do this all the time.
- What? - See, you did it again, you're definitely sacked! Alison, you are a lady.
I don't want this to be unpleasant - Are you sacking me? You rotten shit! - You're a rotten shit, too.
Get your coat! (Alan) Go, go, go, go.
Start the car.
Hello, it's Alan again.
I've locked you all in the boardroom so you don't get me.
You can leave by the fire escape, l haven't got a second series, I just didn't have the guts to say that earlier, It's a bit like doing my radio show this, isn't it? You're listening to "Up with the Partridge".
Bye! - Hello, Jill.
- Why is the door locked? - To keep you out, you thief! - You what? I'm being light-hearted.
Shoot your chuff through that door.
- I got the Pringles, and that's for you.
- Thanks.
Where's everybody else? They've gone to Long Stanton Spice Museum.
Why? I said, "Congratulations, you've got a second series.
We can't celebrate with the Spice Girls, so why not get your arses down to the Spice Museum in Long Stanton?" You know, it's not just spices.
It's all about the spice trade.
They've got a model of a slave boat It's very big, and you press a button, you hear all the slaves going, "Woooh", like that, because they've packed them in too tight.
listen, Jill, I really like you, but I like you as well.
You're packed in a bit tight.
listen, just to clear something up, you know when you make those sort of risque comments, are you just flirting in that sort of crude way that middle-aged divorcees do? Or do you genuinely like me, sex-wise? Well, you know, you're a man, I'm a woman.
That's a relief.
Your mind plays tricks.
You're quite successful.
You got a second series.
Carry on.
- You've got needs - I have.
- I've got needs - Good.
Jill, is the answer to my original question, "Do you like me sex-wise?" - Is the answer to that yes or no? Quickly.
- Yeah.
- I'm Batman.
- Haaah! - Lion Bar? - No, I prefer Fingers.
- Chocolate ones? - Don't mind, really.
(BOTH) Wooah! Jill, you are SO dirty! It's quite refreshing.
You call a spade a spade.
Actually, you'd probably call it a big tool, wouldn't you? So what're we going to do together, then? Norwich is our oyster.
Jill, do you like owls? They're quite nice, I suppose, yeah.
l know a cracking owl sanctuary.
How about it? - Unless you can think of anything better.
- Could go shopping.
I like the Astroturf they place on the wood there.
It's basically zero-maintenance grass.
Useful stuff.
You know, when I used to see you in reception, - Do you know what I used to think? - No.
I used to think, "Ooh, she's nicer than my wife!" What? That's terrible! That's a terrible thing to say, Alan.
(Blows Raspberry) - You're mad, you are! - I know, I am a bit mad.
Get off! It's all right.
No, it's all right.
I was just portraying a madman.
(Screeching) That all looks a little bit like Death Row, doesn't it? I'm sorry, Mr Hawk, your pardon has been turned down.
You have been found guilty of .
.
premeditated homicide of a mouse, and you'll be hanged by the neck until dead.
And don't try to hover up so that the rope goes slack.
They could do that, couldn't they? If you tried to hang a hawk, they could always hover so the rope went slack.
So, I suppose if you were going to execute a bird of prey, the most humane way would be death by firing squad.
(Alan) That is the best Valentine's Day I've had in eight years.
(Jill) What did you do eight years ago? - Just had a better one.
- What did you do? Went to Silverstone, shook Jackie Stewart's hand! Superb! My marriage fell apart soon after that.
Listen, Jill, there is a romantic buffet supper at the hotel tonight, as much as you can eat for £6.
I've got a scam going with a big plate.
Do you fancy being my co-eater lady? Ooh! Yeah, Alan, I'd like that, yeah.
Listen to this.
It'll blow your socks off.
("Gaudete" By Steeleye Span, Sung in Latin) (Sings Along Badly) # Ex Maria virginae, gaudete # Just give that a quick clean.
- Saves me doing it later.
- Bonsoir.
Would you like to buy a rose for the lady? It's £2 for Norwich Children's Hospital.
I've already done something for them.
I did an after-dinner with Bill Oddie.
- Voila.
- Thank you, Alan, that's really lovely.
Keep it, keep it.
You can always get me something of equivalent value, a pint of bitter, a big marker pen, whatever.
Have yous all done, maybe like to order a dessert? - I'll have chocolate mousse.
- That's good.
Leave that there.
- Two chocolate mousses on its way.
- Just going over there for a bit.
This is a romantic tribute (Music) .
.
to a lovely lady over there with orange hair and a cigarette in her mouth.
# Why do birds suddenly appear # That's too high.
(Sings Out Of Tune) (Sings Badly) No, that's not working.
OK.
Well, you get the general idea anyway.
Thank you.
That was great.
I didn't know you could sing.
I used to be in the choir at primary school .
.
before it all dropped, in my pre-hair days.
It's all fallen into place now, though, hasn't it? Yep, I've been pubic for thirty-one years.
I was one of the first in my class, actually.
- There you go, two chocolate mousses.
- Thank you.
- I love chocolate.
- So do I.
- Whispas - Aeros.
- Ripples.
- Flakes.
It's good this, isn't it, even though we're basically just listing chocolate bars? Oh, my God, Lynn's here.
Lynn, what are you doing here? Alan, more good news I managed to negotiate a walnut gear knob for your smaller Rover.
You've come all the way out here to tell me about a walnut gear knob? I've been ringing you all day, but your mobile was switched off.
My mobile was switched off for a reason.
I was at an owl sanctuary.
I was worried that the ringing may have sounded like a mating call.
I can't have a bird tying to have sex with my phone.
- Why are you wearing that snazzy cardigan? - I just threw it on.
If you think you can upstage Jill by wearing that, you're very much mistaken.
But thanks very much for the gear knob, and goodnight.
We're in the same area.
I wondered if you'd like to take a taxi back with me, make a saving.
No, Jill will be sleeping with me tonight.
I don't recall saying that.
- Oh, come on.
- Yeah, all right, then.
- Have a good night, then.
- I will.
- I'll get another half bottle of champagne.
- Yeah, go on, then.
Could you give this to Alan.
It's fungal foot powder.
He's got a condition, so make sure he rubs it in his feet last thing at night and first thing in the morning.
Only it just gets a little bit smelly.
They've got some goats' cheese out there.
They've left it out for a couple of hours so it's had a chance to breathe.
She remembered, great! Why don't we take these to your room? My room? It's over there by the lifts.
That's right, you link my arm.
We'll try and leave with some dignity.
Night-night, Mr Partridge, and your good lady.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Goodnight.
- Got your big plate, Alan? - Yes.
I wouldn't go in there for a bit.
Leave it about fifteen leave it about fifteen minutes.
I must say, I'm tremendously excited by all this.
- My sister's got this bed linen.
- Does she live in a Travel Tavern? - She'd like to.
It's nice, isn't it? - No, it's a bloody nightmare.
- Is that for me, Alan? - That? God, no, I always put my money there.
- If it was you could add a zero to that, £7.
06.
- Seventy quid? - Double it.
- It's still cheap.
I'm not haggling.
I was tying to pay you a compliment, unless I've grossly misread the situation.
It was my understanding in the lift that no money would change hands.
- I am all yours! - Do you mind if I turn the light out? - Can't you just dim it a bit? - Yeah, OK.
Bit morea bit more - How's that? - Yeah, that'll do.
(Alan) Let battle commence.
(Alan) Do you like me doing that? Shall I do it more quickly, or shall I maintain the same speed? (Jill) That's fine.
(Alan) Shall I move on to the other one? That's lovely.
That's first-class.
That is superb.
Oh, there you go, it's all happening.
- Jill, I'm afraid I have no sheaths.
- No what? Sheaths, prophylactics, you know, rubber johnnies.
Actually, being your age and everything, there's probably no need for them.
I'm talking about the menomenopau Ooh, Jill, you know your onions! Do you mind if I talk? Because it helps me keep the wolf from the door, so to speak.
Jill, what do you think about the pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre? I'll be honest, I'm dead against it.
I mean, people forget that traders need access to DIX-ONS! They do say it'll help people in wheeeel chaaairs! (Jill) Hang on, I've got an idea.
Oooh! Jill, what are you doing? For God's sake, what are you doing? For God's sake! l just thought I'd pour chocolate mousse over you.
You've got it on the bed sheets, you've got it on my dressing gown.
- You've got it on the valance.
- On the what? The skirt thing round the side of the bed.
I thought it'd be erotic.
Mousse from a bowl is very nice, but to put it on a person is demented! Come on, it's only a bit of chocolate! It may be chocolate to you, Jill, but to an unwitting member of staff this could look like some sort of dirty protest against the standard of service in the hotel, which I happen to think is very good.
I mean, it's not five-star, but it's certainly competitive.
(Knock) Oh, God! Is everything all right? l heard a bit of commotion? - No, it's fine.
- Do you know you've chocolate on your face? Yeah, I've just been eating some mousse.
Right, fine.
You've missed a bit.
I'll deal with it later.
It reminds me when we camouflaged ourselves because we were doing jungle exercises Can we talk about this in the morning? I won't be on in the morning, because I'm doing lates now, so I don't come on till two o'clock.
Well, you know, "When de boot cooms in".
Now booger off! - Message understood, Sir! - At ease, you're not in the army any more! This is Radio Norwich, And now it's time for Alan's Love Bud.
(ALAN) This is the story of a woman, 50, and a chap in his early forties, This woman enraptured this man, made him feel sixteen again.
He thought, "I'm going to wear a T-shirt with 'Crowded House' written on the front".
He thought, ''Yes, I will buy that copy of 'Punch' magazine''.
But then she committed a gross act upon his person, which was tantamount to vandalism, And he realised that not only must they part company, but he must also sack her from her job as his receptionist.
I didn't mention that earlier, but part of the problem was that she did work for him, and he had to sack her anyway.
Anyway, he thanks her for that stolen afternoon but even then it was stolen, It's not your property, love, you've got to give it back.
So, just to re-emphasise one more time, her contract has been terminated.
This is Hot Chocolate, "It Started with a Kiss".
# It started with a kiss # In three minutes' time I'll be talking to Norfolk's youngest butcher.
# It started with a kiss # Never thought it would come to this # It started with a kiss # Never thought it would come to this # Do you? # You don't remember me, do you? # You don't remember me, do you? #
That was for my tireless P.
A.
, Lynn, 50, who is as diligent and hard-working a creature as ever graced this world we call .
.
Earth.
It's 4.
39 a.
m.
Time to run yourself a big bath.
It's Chris Rea.
Very malty.
There will be no telephone Cluedo today because of a threat of a court injunction from the makers of Cluedo.
It's 6.
58 a.
m.
(Cockerel Crows) - A-ha! (Kiss) Ha-ha-ha-ha.
That kissing sound isn't someone kissing me, or kissing a cock.
It's simply A cockerel, I mean.
It's simply a way of saying it's Valentine's Day.
A day upon which Mr Al Capone ruined a romantic night out for many diners by massacring them.
Died of syphilis, he did.
So there is some justice.
Anyway, time for me now to hand over to a man who will hopefully not be massacring anyone this evening, or indeed, killing them with syphilis.
Here's Monsieur David Clifton.
Ah, bonjour, Monsieur Partridge.
Comment allez-vous, Monsieur? Yeah, whatever.
Did you get any Valentine's cards this morning? Actually, I came down this morning and I couldn't open my door.
- Lose your key? - I couldn't open my door as I'd lost my key.
I did just say that.
Anyway, chocolate oranges It's 7 a.
m.
and we've got a good show lined up for you - Do you like chocolate? - Pardon Yeah, love it.
I've really got to say this, Dave.
Chocolate oranges are available from Rawlinsons, that's all.
OK, it's 7 a.
m.
and first of all we got China Crisis.
- Morning.
- All right? - Sorry? - Good morning.
That's the one.
- Susan, is he new? - Yes, he started yesterday.
- He said "Good morning" with his back to me.
- He's OK.
It's just I've never seen that done before.
- Anyway, happy Valentine's Day.
How are you? - I'm a bit tired.
I need my beauty sleep.
You don't need beauty sleep.
Well, forty winks.
- Did you get the chocolate orange.
- Yes, thank you.
You might find some superficial damage to the box, but the chocolate's perfectly edible.
I'm giving them to all ladies I know aged fifty and under.
Over fifty just seems sarcastic.
I'm afraid I need to watch my figure.
I'll watch it for you! Through my little binoculars, whoo! Mind you, I can't talk.
I've got a fat back.
- What's that? - A build-up of fatty deposits over the belt line.
It's fairly well concealed in casual clothing, but you don't want to see me in my underpants.
Sophie, did you get your chocolate orange? I got you dark chocolate because you don't like milk.
- I do like milk chocolate.
- I could exchange it.
- I could talk to my chocolate people.
- Yes, please.
Have you tampered with the wrapping? No, but there is a bit of superficial damage to the box.
Don't worry about the damage, they're all damaged.
- Have you kept it below room temperature? - I don't think so.
In that case, I'm afraid you've invalidated the warranty.
Above room temperature, it all congealed into one big dark chocolate cricket ball.
So I'm afraid consumer rights no longer apply.
You could try "Watchdog", but I think they've got bigger fish to fry.
- Excuse me, are you Alan Partridge? - Yes.
- You dropped your ID card, "Radio Norwich".
- Oh, thanks.
- All right? - Good morning.
Actually, Sophie, there's an issue I've been meaning to raise for the last two weeks.
You know those little soaps you leave in the shower room? They will withstand, at best, one aggressive body scrub.
They start off the size of mini Frisbees, and they end up like actual-size Paracetamol.
- Can't you use two? - I suppose that might work.
I'll just write that down.
Hello, Susan.
Sorry, have I upset her? - No, she's fine.
- Right.
Alan, did you send Sophie a Valentine's card this morning? Oh, God, no.
I'm old enough to be her father.
Well, her older brother.
Either way it's incest.
Ben? Did you send Sophie a Valentine's card? I'm not at liberty to divulge that information.
You know, the fact that he made that jokey remark doesn't mean he sent you the card.
- Did you send it? - No, I sent you a chocolate orange, - but I had the decency to admit it.
- Come on, Alan, it's just a bit of fun.
A lie is a lie.
- Your P.
A.
's here.
- Hello, Lynn, shall we grab a pew? - Thanks for my dedication this morning.
- You're welcome.
You realise it was nothing to do with Valentine's Day? - What have you got for me? - Do you want the good news or the bad news? The good news.
Rawlinsons will give you 50 more shop-soiled chocolate oranges if you plug them again.
Excellent.
And the bad news? The accountants say that since you've definitely not got a second series from the BBC, you're going to have to sack everyone and close the office down - or they'll declare you bankrupt on Friday.
- Right.
Still, good news about the chocolate oranges.
Alan, you're going to have to trade down your Rover 800 for a smaller car.
- Go on.
- I picked up these brochures for the new Metro.
- Lynn, I'm not driving a Mini Metro.
- But you DO have to make substantial savings.
I'm not driving a Mini Metro.
But if you do, you can keep the company with a skeleton staff - There's no point in finishing the sentence.
- But if you - Lynn! I'll just speak over you.
- But No! Go on, try and finish the sentence and see what I do.
- Go on! - With a I'm not driving a Mini Metro, I'm not driving a Mini Metro, I'm not driving a Mini Metro.
No.
No, it's different it's called a Rover Metro now.
They've re-badged it, you fool! If you want a Rover 200, you're going to have to sack everyone at Pear Tree Productions.
- Fine.
- Including Jill.
Jill.
Lovely Jill.
She's my favourite But fine, I'll sack her.
- You smiled then, Lynn.
- No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
I can read you like a book.
And not a very good book.
Certainly not "Bravo Two Zero" by Andy McNab, which actually improves with every read.
You smiled because you don't like Jill because she's younger than you.
- No, she's not.
She's fifty.
- So's Helen Mirren.
- So's Benjamin Netanyahu.
- You're always going on about him! Let it go, Lynn.
You're never going to meet him.
I'm going to get a spot of breakfast.
Oh, quick tip, Lynn.
You know the breakfast buffet? Eat as much as you like, but from an eight-inch plate.
See that? Twelve inches Keep it in my room.
See you later.
(Geordie Accent) Aye-aye, Mr Partridge, morning.
Valentine's Day today, eh? Love is in the air.
- It's Valentine's Day, and love is in the air? - Aye, aye! I'm getting the hang of this.
Mind you, I have been here ten weeks.
- Are we having the full English breakfast? - Yes, can I have my sausages burnt to a crisp, so they can only be identified by reference to their dental records? OK, either that or the fingerprints, eh? - Can you fingerprint a sausage? - Eh, well, I suppose technically you could.
I suppose if I was a burglar and I wanted to avoid detection I could strap sausages to my fingers.
Probably survive a couple of break-ins before it started to fall apart.
Aye.
Or maybe have just a beef burger for your palm.
No, that's a bit too far-fetched.
I do enjoy these chats in the morning.
# Eighteen till I die, I'm gonna be eighteen till I die # - Morning, everyone.
Morning, Jill.
- Thanks for the chocolate orange, Alan.
You're welcome.
Did you notice anything about the box? - No.
- Exactly.
All the others had superficial damage.
I paid for yours.
All your segments are intact.
Well, they were when I looked this morning.
Alan, have we got a second series? Yes.
(Cheers) I'll go and get some champagne, shall I? - Actually, Bill, sparkling wine'll be fine.
- Whatever.
- I'll get some crisps and things.
- Actually, Jill, a pipe of Pringles will suffice.
- Unless there's anything else you fancy.
- Eeeer! No, just a pipe of Pringles, fine.
Would you like me to lap dance for you? I want a second series.
- I like your thong.
- It's vulcanised rubber which means it won't perish.
Bash your arse! Any more news, Alan? It's in the bag, you're all on board, details to follow, and -.
.
and who left this coffee cup here? - Sorry, I meant to clean it last night.
- That's not good enough.
You're sacked! - What? l will not have uncleansed coffee cups here.
The plague started from a malattended surface.
- What are you doing? - You're sacked, too.
- Why? - Because you do this all the time.
- What? - See, you did it again, you're definitely sacked! Alison, you are a lady.
I don't want this to be unpleasant - Are you sacking me? You rotten shit! - You're a rotten shit, too.
Get your coat! (Alan) Go, go, go, go.
Start the car.
Hello, it's Alan again.
I've locked you all in the boardroom so you don't get me.
You can leave by the fire escape, l haven't got a second series, I just didn't have the guts to say that earlier, It's a bit like doing my radio show this, isn't it? You're listening to "Up with the Partridge".
Bye! - Hello, Jill.
- Why is the door locked? - To keep you out, you thief! - You what? I'm being light-hearted.
Shoot your chuff through that door.
- I got the Pringles, and that's for you.
- Thanks.
Where's everybody else? They've gone to Long Stanton Spice Museum.
Why? I said, "Congratulations, you've got a second series.
We can't celebrate with the Spice Girls, so why not get your arses down to the Spice Museum in Long Stanton?" You know, it's not just spices.
It's all about the spice trade.
They've got a model of a slave boat It's very big, and you press a button, you hear all the slaves going, "Woooh", like that, because they've packed them in too tight.
listen, Jill, I really like you, but I like you as well.
You're packed in a bit tight.
listen, just to clear something up, you know when you make those sort of risque comments, are you just flirting in that sort of crude way that middle-aged divorcees do? Or do you genuinely like me, sex-wise? Well, you know, you're a man, I'm a woman.
That's a relief.
Your mind plays tricks.
You're quite successful.
You got a second series.
Carry on.
- You've got needs - I have.
- I've got needs - Good.
Jill, is the answer to my original question, "Do you like me sex-wise?" - Is the answer to that yes or no? Quickly.
- Yeah.
- I'm Batman.
- Haaah! - Lion Bar? - No, I prefer Fingers.
- Chocolate ones? - Don't mind, really.
(BOTH) Wooah! Jill, you are SO dirty! It's quite refreshing.
You call a spade a spade.
Actually, you'd probably call it a big tool, wouldn't you? So what're we going to do together, then? Norwich is our oyster.
Jill, do you like owls? They're quite nice, I suppose, yeah.
l know a cracking owl sanctuary.
How about it? - Unless you can think of anything better.
- Could go shopping.
I like the Astroturf they place on the wood there.
It's basically zero-maintenance grass.
Useful stuff.
You know, when I used to see you in reception, - Do you know what I used to think? - No.
I used to think, "Ooh, she's nicer than my wife!" What? That's terrible! That's a terrible thing to say, Alan.
(Blows Raspberry) - You're mad, you are! - I know, I am a bit mad.
Get off! It's all right.
No, it's all right.
I was just portraying a madman.
(Screeching) That all looks a little bit like Death Row, doesn't it? I'm sorry, Mr Hawk, your pardon has been turned down.
You have been found guilty of .
.
premeditated homicide of a mouse, and you'll be hanged by the neck until dead.
And don't try to hover up so that the rope goes slack.
They could do that, couldn't they? If you tried to hang a hawk, they could always hover so the rope went slack.
So, I suppose if you were going to execute a bird of prey, the most humane way would be death by firing squad.
(Alan) That is the best Valentine's Day I've had in eight years.
(Jill) What did you do eight years ago? - Just had a better one.
- What did you do? Went to Silverstone, shook Jackie Stewart's hand! Superb! My marriage fell apart soon after that.
Listen, Jill, there is a romantic buffet supper at the hotel tonight, as much as you can eat for £6.
I've got a scam going with a big plate.
Do you fancy being my co-eater lady? Ooh! Yeah, Alan, I'd like that, yeah.
Listen to this.
It'll blow your socks off.
("Gaudete" By Steeleye Span, Sung in Latin) (Sings Along Badly) # Ex Maria virginae, gaudete # Just give that a quick clean.
- Saves me doing it later.
- Bonsoir.
Would you like to buy a rose for the lady? It's £2 for Norwich Children's Hospital.
I've already done something for them.
I did an after-dinner with Bill Oddie.
- Voila.
- Thank you, Alan, that's really lovely.
Keep it, keep it.
You can always get me something of equivalent value, a pint of bitter, a big marker pen, whatever.
Have yous all done, maybe like to order a dessert? - I'll have chocolate mousse.
- That's good.
Leave that there.
- Two chocolate mousses on its way.
- Just going over there for a bit.
This is a romantic tribute (Music) .
.
to a lovely lady over there with orange hair and a cigarette in her mouth.
# Why do birds suddenly appear # That's too high.
(Sings Out Of Tune) (Sings Badly) No, that's not working.
OK.
Well, you get the general idea anyway.
Thank you.
That was great.
I didn't know you could sing.
I used to be in the choir at primary school .
.
before it all dropped, in my pre-hair days.
It's all fallen into place now, though, hasn't it? Yep, I've been pubic for thirty-one years.
I was one of the first in my class, actually.
- There you go, two chocolate mousses.
- Thank you.
- I love chocolate.
- So do I.
- Whispas - Aeros.
- Ripples.
- Flakes.
It's good this, isn't it, even though we're basically just listing chocolate bars? Oh, my God, Lynn's here.
Lynn, what are you doing here? Alan, more good news I managed to negotiate a walnut gear knob for your smaller Rover.
You've come all the way out here to tell me about a walnut gear knob? I've been ringing you all day, but your mobile was switched off.
My mobile was switched off for a reason.
I was at an owl sanctuary.
I was worried that the ringing may have sounded like a mating call.
I can't have a bird tying to have sex with my phone.
- Why are you wearing that snazzy cardigan? - I just threw it on.
If you think you can upstage Jill by wearing that, you're very much mistaken.
But thanks very much for the gear knob, and goodnight.
We're in the same area.
I wondered if you'd like to take a taxi back with me, make a saving.
No, Jill will be sleeping with me tonight.
I don't recall saying that.
- Oh, come on.
- Yeah, all right, then.
- Have a good night, then.
- I will.
- I'll get another half bottle of champagne.
- Yeah, go on, then.
Could you give this to Alan.
It's fungal foot powder.
He's got a condition, so make sure he rubs it in his feet last thing at night and first thing in the morning.
Only it just gets a little bit smelly.
They've got some goats' cheese out there.
They've left it out for a couple of hours so it's had a chance to breathe.
She remembered, great! Why don't we take these to your room? My room? It's over there by the lifts.
That's right, you link my arm.
We'll try and leave with some dignity.
Night-night, Mr Partridge, and your good lady.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Goodnight.
- Got your big plate, Alan? - Yes.
I wouldn't go in there for a bit.
Leave it about fifteen leave it about fifteen minutes.
I must say, I'm tremendously excited by all this.
- My sister's got this bed linen.
- Does she live in a Travel Tavern? - She'd like to.
It's nice, isn't it? - No, it's a bloody nightmare.
- Is that for me, Alan? - That? God, no, I always put my money there.
- If it was you could add a zero to that, £7.
06.
- Seventy quid? - Double it.
- It's still cheap.
I'm not haggling.
I was tying to pay you a compliment, unless I've grossly misread the situation.
It was my understanding in the lift that no money would change hands.
- I am all yours! - Do you mind if I turn the light out? - Can't you just dim it a bit? - Yeah, OK.
Bit morea bit more - How's that? - Yeah, that'll do.
(Alan) Let battle commence.
(Alan) Do you like me doing that? Shall I do it more quickly, or shall I maintain the same speed? (Jill) That's fine.
(Alan) Shall I move on to the other one? That's lovely.
That's first-class.
That is superb.
Oh, there you go, it's all happening.
- Jill, I'm afraid I have no sheaths.
- No what? Sheaths, prophylactics, you know, rubber johnnies.
Actually, being your age and everything, there's probably no need for them.
I'm talking about the menomenopau Ooh, Jill, you know your onions! Do you mind if I talk? Because it helps me keep the wolf from the door, so to speak.
Jill, what do you think about the pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre? I'll be honest, I'm dead against it.
I mean, people forget that traders need access to DIX-ONS! They do say it'll help people in wheeeel chaaairs! (Jill) Hang on, I've got an idea.
Oooh! Jill, what are you doing? For God's sake, what are you doing? For God's sake! l just thought I'd pour chocolate mousse over you.
You've got it on the bed sheets, you've got it on my dressing gown.
- You've got it on the valance.
- On the what? The skirt thing round the side of the bed.
I thought it'd be erotic.
Mousse from a bowl is very nice, but to put it on a person is demented! Come on, it's only a bit of chocolate! It may be chocolate to you, Jill, but to an unwitting member of staff this could look like some sort of dirty protest against the standard of service in the hotel, which I happen to think is very good.
I mean, it's not five-star, but it's certainly competitive.
(Knock) Oh, God! Is everything all right? l heard a bit of commotion? - No, it's fine.
- Do you know you've chocolate on your face? Yeah, I've just been eating some mousse.
Right, fine.
You've missed a bit.
I'll deal with it later.
It reminds me when we camouflaged ourselves because we were doing jungle exercises Can we talk about this in the morning? I won't be on in the morning, because I'm doing lates now, so I don't come on till two o'clock.
Well, you know, "When de boot cooms in".
Now booger off! - Message understood, Sir! - At ease, you're not in the army any more! This is Radio Norwich, And now it's time for Alan's Love Bud.
(ALAN) This is the story of a woman, 50, and a chap in his early forties, This woman enraptured this man, made him feel sixteen again.
He thought, "I'm going to wear a T-shirt with 'Crowded House' written on the front".
He thought, ''Yes, I will buy that copy of 'Punch' magazine''.
But then she committed a gross act upon his person, which was tantamount to vandalism, And he realised that not only must they part company, but he must also sack her from her job as his receptionist.
I didn't mention that earlier, but part of the problem was that she did work for him, and he had to sack her anyway.
Anyway, he thanks her for that stolen afternoon but even then it was stolen, It's not your property, love, you've got to give it back.
So, just to re-emphasise one more time, her contract has been terminated.
This is Hot Chocolate, "It Started with a Kiss".
# It started with a kiss # In three minutes' time I'll be talking to Norfolk's youngest butcher.
# It started with a kiss # Never thought it would come to this # It started with a kiss # Never thought it would come to this # Do you? # You don't remember me, do you? # You don't remember me, do you? #