I'm Sorry (2017) s01e06 Episode Script

Too Slow

1 Mommy, did you get a present for Oscar's birthday? No, you know what, his mommies told me not to get a present, so, lovely, we're just gonna get a book and they're gonna donate it to the library.
- One of my books? - No, don't worry.
Your 3,000 books for one small human are completely safe.
Good.
"Good".
Really? "Good"? His "mommies"? Yes, mom, they are a lesbian couple and their son Oscar is in Amelia's class.
- Remember when we had gay dogs? - Wow! - Just so you know - What? - Just if you're out in mixed company - Yeah? Going from a lesbian couple to "remember we had gay dogs" not necessarily the best leap.
Do you remember when Abe used to shove his stuff into Silver's face and force him to do things? Yeah, do you remember how poor Silver had to stick his little head in the rails of the banister just to get a moment's peace? It was very traumatizing to me.
Abe was on his last legs when we got him, and then what? - He lived five more years.
- Yeah, 'cause he was gettin' [mouthing words] every day.
- Well, they were forced, you know.
- Either way.
And I'm not sure that has the same effect.
Come to think of it, was Silver really gay? You know what, he wasn't, because he had no choice in the matter.
He was more "gay for stay".
"Gay for stay" people say that? - Grammy, look what I drew.
- Let's see.
Oh oh, my gosh, look at that sun.
We've been here quite a while.
- When does dance class start? - It started 20 minutes ago.
Why isn't she dancing? Because after begging me to take dance class, Amelia decided she just wanted to watch.
So, you just sit here every week for 45 minutes? Yeah, that's what happens because when we make a commitment, we stick to it, right? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Do you, do you get some of your money back? No, I did not get any of my money back.
Mommy, can I have snack? Ah, you know what, it's really not good to eat while you're dancing.
You could get a cramp and drown.
That's called sarcasm, which is something that's going to be very important for you to learn in life.
Hey! Mom, did you see that plie? I'm not playing this game.
Mommy, Walter's flying in air! Walter's going crazy! Walter's going crazy, honey.
All right, it looks like Oscar's house is up here.
Mommy, why does Oscar have two mommies? Well, because Oscar's mommies, they fell in love with each other and decided to have a baby, and they're two mommies because they're both girls, and girls are mommies.
So you can have more than one mommy? Hundred percent! You can have two mommies.
You can have two daddies.
Some people just go mommy, no daddy.
Some people have a daddy, no mommy.
Some people just have a grammy and grampy.
You can even have a grammy and a grammy or a grampy and a grampy.
- It's more rare.
- Yeah, but it's still an option.
And it's an option I'm incredibly excited to Google an image later today.
The point is, it's super-cool because there's lots of different kinds of families and they don't all have to look like us.
- Like Oscar's family.
- Two mommies is a lot of mommies.
Yeah, but, wouldn't you want to have two mommies, especially if you had two mommies like this mommy? [singing] This is when you want three mommies at least.
Yeah! So in that scenario you're getting cloned and marrying yourself.
No, no, clone me is not ready to settle down, she is open for biz.
- I'd like to meet that clone.
- You're not her type.
She likes very petite, Hispanic men.
Oh.
Here's your gift bag.
We should really set up a family play date with Leah and Jessica.
I really like them.
Did you even get a chance to talk to them? - No.
- Okay.
I just think they seem very cool, so automatically I can relate to them on that level.
- Mm-hmm.
- But also, Amelia's got some questions about two mommies.
Now, it's one thing to sit there and we explain to her like all the other different families and all, but it's another thing just to see it and realize it's just totally normal.
Yeah, I mean, she doesn't really have that person as a point of reference in her daily life.
Well, I mean there's my brother David, but she wouldn't know he's gay because he still hasn't come out, so I guess technically that doesn't really help.
You know he still calls Nick his roommate, right? - Yeah.
- So, basically, he's worthless to us.
But is Amelia even friends with Oscar? Not really, I mean, he's a boy.
But this isn't about her being friends with Oscar, this is about her getting to know Oscar's mommies.
Oscar's more like our lesbian Trojan horse.
Wait, that doesn't work.
Amelia is the Trojan horse.
No, Amelia's the soldiers inside the Trojan horse who jump out and learn a lot about lesbians.
You ready to go, Bubs? Come on! Was that a fun party? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Amelia! This is for you.
And we snuck in an extra eraser, so don't tell any of the little kids about it, okay? I heard so.
Could you also not mention it to any of the other kids? Okay, it's gonna be hard, though.
- But what do you say, lovey? - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- You're welcome.
- Thanks for inviting us.
- Amelia had so much fun.
We should do a family play date sometime.
- We would love that.
- Oh, good! We usually go to this indoor gym thing on Saturdays.
Do you guys want to come with us next week? - Yeah! - That sounds cool.
- Let's do it! - Up high.
Down low.
- Ooh, too slow.
- Oh! Hey, don't worry.
Between now and next Saturday I will train her because she will not embarrass our family again.
You will not embarrass our family again! - Bye! - Bye, thank you for coming.
[David on phone] No, no, no, no, you and Mom are not remembering this right.
- Yes, we are! - It wasn't Abe.
Silver would saunter around the house.
He had sort of like an attitude about it or whatever.
David! He had hip dysplasia.
He was also flashing his butt all the time.
Are you saying that Silver was asking for this? Are you victim blaming right now? I'm just saying that he wasn't necessarily innocent, okay? Wow! You know, don't sully the good name of Silver Shadow when he's not alive to defend himself.
How was your weekend? I went to two kids' birthday parties, went to Target.
And we were in bed both nights by nine, so part heavenly and also part incredibly soul crushing.
- How was yours? - We stayed up past nine, - if that's what you're asking.
- Ooh! Now it sounds like someone's bragging.
Who's "we," by the way? Who's "we" stayed up? You know my roommate, Nick? Yes, of course I know your roommate Nick.
We made light bulbs from scratch.
How do you make a light bulb from scratch? The key is to find the proper filament, and then you gotta weigh a lot of factors, like density Sorry to interrupt, but I just killed myself, so Okay, well, you asked me.
The point is that Nick and I had fun, we had a great time, we loved it.
Well, you and Nick always have a lot of fun together, you guys have a lot in common.
You know, David, you know that I really like Nick, right? - Yeah, he's pretty great.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God.
There's a woman who's got "Pink Mom" on her license plate who is dressed tops to bots all in pink.
- I gotta go, I gotta go.
- Make sure you're not looking [car thunks] Oh, shit! I mean, there was barely a dent, but you could see why Pink Mom should be really considered a driving distraction.
Bubs, you're up.
And of course she fled the scene.
How was your lesbian party, by the way? What lesbian party? You know, the "mommies".
Oh, you mean the birthday party for a five-year-old that was thrown by his mothers? Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not used to all this, you know, new configuration of family.
Why are you following me while I hopscotch? - Because we're chatting.
- It's creeping me out.
Well, get un-creeped.
There weren't that many gay parents when you were growing up.
Yeah, because they weren't allowed to have kids.
- I don't remember that.
- Yeah, that tracks.
Now, everyone has to draw something in nature.
I'm gonna draw a fairy.
Ooh, I wanna see that fairy, right? I just don't have that many gay people in my everyday life so that I can understand all the nuances, you know? Well, you got one person.
No, no, no, no, cousin June isn't gay, she just runs a juice bar.
Mom, no one thinks cousin June's gay, especially not because she runs a juice bar.
That's what I said, she's not gay.
- Who, who were you thinking of? - Come on.
- Do you really not know? - What? - David.
- My son, David? And my brother David? Yeah.
What makes you think David is gay? He's so masculine.
Masculine people can be gay.
Well, not David, David's not gay.
Mom, he's in his 30's, he's never had a girlfriend.
He's a computer engineer.
You can't use that excuse forever.
He's always going on about Nick and how much fun they have together, and they're spending weekends together.
- Mom, come on.
- Oh, my gosh, Nick.
He loves Nick.
I think Nick is his boyfriend.
Oh, I hope he's not gay.
Mom! Why would you say that? I don't have a problem with gay people, you know that.
I know that! It's just that it's a harder life, and he's my son.
I get that.
Mommy, aren't you going to draw? Sorry! We are drawing stuff in nature.
Here.
Mom, it's 2017, it's not as hard as it used to be.
Yes, it is.
It's harder to get married, it's harder to have kids.
And you know what, it's harder to get a wedding cake.
What are you talking about? I'm not joking, I saw it on the news.
There are very homophobic bakeries, and you know how much David loves cake.
But, Mom, if he's gay, don't you want him to do it now and not waste any more time? I don't know.
If anything, it's gonna work out the best for you because then you don't just have to rely on me when you're old and decrepit, like a year from now.
He'll make sure your hair looks good, he'll take you on some cruises.
No, no, no, I don't think he's cruise gay.
He'd probably make me go on a tour of the Boeing factory.
That's true.
But you'll also have someone to fix your scanner.
Oh, I do hate that fucking scanner.
Mom, what are you drawing? What? It's the lemon tree that you and David used to climb.
It's something in nature.
What are those things at the trunk? Those are lemons that fell off the tree.
Those are large lemons.
Why? What do you think it is? - David, Nick.
- What? - Boom! - Oh, my God.
Maybe this is your subconscious becoming okay with this.
If it is, could we at least say that this is David and this is Nick, because David was always such a go-getter.
If that makes you feel better, Mom, you can definitely say that David is jamming himself into Nick.
I am done drawing.
What are we doing next? - Come on, monkey, off the bed.
- Get off the bed.
Are you excited to have your play date with Oscar today? I don't play with Oscar much.
You don't have to play with him much, you just have to play with him today.
Yeah, you'll have fun when you get there.
By the way, Oscar's mommies told me the Coop is [singsong] amazing! Do Oscar's mommies sleep in the same bed? Uh, of course.
They love each other, so I'm sure that they like to snuggle just like me and Daddy do.
That's funny.
Well, I don't think it's funny, I just think it's, uh, different.
I agree, and I also agree that I'm totally going to tickle you - if you don't get ready to go! - [giggles] I have to say, I'm glad we have this play date.
Yeah, me too.
I mean, I feel like good role models is the way this is gonna sink in.
I hope so.
You know, I actually wouldn't mind if Amelia was a lesbian.
- Really? - Yeah.
Okay, nah, don't act so cool and open-minded.
I know what you're doing.
Typical dad with a daughter.
You don't want a boy putting a penis inside her.
Wow, that was really tough to hear out loud, but totally true.
Well, just so you know, even if she is a lesbian, there's still toys, so there's still going to be something inside her.
Something to think about.
Oh, man.
She can be asexual.
Bubs, just make sure you buckle up.
- Hey! - Oh, hey! - How are you? - I'm good, how you doing? I got my shorts on again.
Ah, yeah, you do shorts! - Yeah, shorts! - Have a good day.
- Hey! - Hey, there.
- Bye! - Bye-bye.
I'm just got an email saying our insurance premium might go up because of the whole Pink Mom incident.
Why? I thought you said there was barely a dent.
She's now claiming she has medical costs.
Who? Pink Mom? No, again, Pink Mom fled the scene The woman I hit.
Although, let's be honest, Pink Mom probably has some medical costs herself, mostly psychiatric.
What's this other woman claiming? Supposedly she has breast implants and when I hit her, the seat belt, like, jammed in and caused some sort of damage that now the insurance has to cover.
It seems crazy.
How does that even happen? She didn't seem particularly [vocalizing] when we exchanged information, so, how do we even know she had implants in the first place? It doesn't really matter it's why we have insurance.
In matters to me if our deductible goes up because of her fake banged-up boobies.
Well, it's not worth fighting over, I mean, we are fine.
Oh, okay You need to hear this.
Hey, it's your brother, listen, um I really need to talk to you about something It's not bad or anything, but it's just the other day you said how you really liked Nick and, uh, anyway, are you like free to meet up later and talk about this? Just let me know.
Bye.
Okay, he sounds weird, right? I think this might be the moment.
What moment? The moment he reveals himself to me as a homosexual.
What makes you think that if he does come out, you'd be the one? Because I'm his sister and he feels comfortable around me, and this is the face of no judgement.
- Mm-hmm.
- This is the face of judgement.
Nyah! And this is the face of surprise.
[gasping] And this is my pretty face.
Mommy, that is not pretty.
- What, is it too pretty? - Yes, it's too pretty.
Did you hear that? That was sarcasm.
Oh, my God! This is the best day of my life.
[kids laughing and playing] Whoa, look at that dolphin! - Hey! - Hey! - We made it! - Amelia Have you been practicing? Up high.
Down low oh, too slow! Ohhh! We trained for this! You blew it! But we didn't come with nothing.
We brought socks.
Oh, we look very cool.
Someone forgot ours and we had to buy them.
- Oh! - Me! - Ah.
- It's me, I'm the one that forgot the socks and then we had to buy them.
I've had I've done it before.
It does, happens all the time.
Amelia, Oscar's in the ball pit.
He wants to know if you'll join him.
That sounds fun, Bub.
But Mommy, we are not allowed to throw balls out like that.
That's true.
Why don't you see if Oscar wants to meet you in that super cool teepee? - Yeah.
- By the way, I have to make a reservation for my time.
You don't want to get in that teepee fresh barf.
Yeah? That's sort of what happens - when you take [mouthing words] - You're right.
One of the kids right now is having crazy visions.
I'm pretty sure it's that girl, right behind you.
Yeah.
Yeah, she's been acting crazy.
[kids playing] So finally, I hand the menu back to the waiter and he says That that's not she's telling it wrong.
You had the menu.
- Do you want to tell it? - No, I don't want to You go ahead, you tell it, it's your story.
Tell it wrong, but go ahead.
No, after you, you tell the story.
You know what, we actually went to that same restaurant and didn't we have a strange waiter too? Yeah, right? I think they just have a strange staff of - Mommy - Oh, hi, Bubs.
What happened? Are you okay? Oscar hit me.
Oh, well, I'm sure that that was an accident.
I'm sure that Oscar is very sorry.
No.
- "No" [laughing] - "No.
" He loves hitting.
I mean, he loves hitting, it's like his favorite thing.
- Oh! - There he goes.
He's so strong.
It kind of hurts, buddy, do you want to stop that? It doesn't look like he wants to.
You know what, why don't we have a snack? Do you want a snack? Great! Yeah, you want some snack, big guy? You want a fruit bar? Oh, I forgot them.
So the two things that you were in charge of, socks and fruit, you just decided not to bring? No, I didn't decide not to bring what I decide, it was an accident, people make mistakes.
Tell me what the difference is.
The difference between an accident and a decision? Not here.
We have lots of stuff.
- Seriously, have we've over-snacked.
- Thank you.
- Here.
- Hey, buddy, get in there, - have some pretzels.
- Help yourself.
Oscar, why do you have to take so many pretzels? That's against the rules.
Well, if Oscar wants two fistfuls of pretzels, that's fine, you know, different families, different rules.
Yeah, we don't really have any rules around food.
We don't want to give him a complex.
Oh, uh-huh.
Hey, little buddy, you actually need to keep your food on this side of the rail.
But when you're done with your snack you can come back and play.
Excuse me, hey, excuse me.
Problem? Um, no problem, we just can't have any food - on this side of the rail.
- They have a sign there.
Well, if you have an issue with something, why don't you bring it up to me instead of talking to my small kid? Oh, yeah, of course.
Could we maybe talk to somebody who's gone through puberty? I can bring my manager.
Yeah, your manager, yeah, why don't you go get me the manager? Yeah, we would love to know why not letting a child bring a few pretzels past an imaginary line is that big of a deal, okay? You don't have be a fucking Nazi about it.
Oh, okay, yeah, I'll It's okay, honey.
You're perfect.
[both whispering] I hate this place.
So the one lesbian couple in our class turns out to be dickheads? The way they were screaming at that guy.
- That guy! - I didn't know what to do.
I gave him 20 bucks.
These are the people that Amelia's looking to to define a lesbian family? She's going to think all lesbians are monsters.
I know, and Jessica wouldn't let up on the high five thing with Amelia.
- Right? - Just give her the down low.
Does she think we're walking away like, ooh, look at Jessica, cheetah-like reflexes.
Congratulations! You beat a five-year-old! Let me have a shot at her "down low".
Oh, there's a real fire behind your eyes.
- I like it.
- Really? No, it's gone now.
But seriously, how are we going to keep Amelia from now just associating lesbian with asshole for the rest of her life? Is it okay that we're calling them assholes? - I feel like we shouldn't.
- Listen If that was a straight couple that we hung out with and they acted like that and spoke to people like that, we would call them assholes.
- That's true.
- If you think about it, it's actually more prejudiced to not call them out just because they're gay.
If anything, we're being less prejudiced by being comfortable enough to call them assholes.
- That oddly makes sense.
- Right? But it still feels weird calling Les Mommy, can I have some yogurt? Uh, yeah, uh, sure, Bubs.
Did you have fun at your play date today? Not really Oscar hit me and the two mommies were fighting.
Yeah, well, you know what, everybody argues sometimes, right? I don't think it's because he's got two mommies.
I know, you and Daddy fight sometimes.
That's true, but we love each other, and we love you.
Just like Oscar's mommies love him.
Can I have my yogurt now? Yeah, sure, one yogles coming up.
"Yogles"? Yeah, sorry, actually, the yogurt industry officially switched it to "yogles".
People are not happy, but, uh, sorry, it's just there's nothing I can do.
Just when I thought this day was getting better.
The graphite gets charged with electricity, okay, and that generates its own energy in the form of heat and light - Mm-hmm.
- and that's a light bulb.
Can you just do me a favor? I can't do it myself, but I'm going to close my eyes and you just hit it real hard.
Yeah, you know, I wonder why you keep asking me to explain what a light bulb is.
Because it sounds like it's going to be interesting, but then somehow you make it less so.
- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
Okay, so, uh There's something I have to talk to you about, obviously.
And I'm here for you.
- Whatever it is, I'm here.
- Thank you.
- You know my friend Nick, right? - Obviously I know Nick, I love Nick, - you know that.
- Well, Nick and I have gotten pretty close over the last year and a half and, um, did you know he was dating someone named Briana? - Yeah.
- Well, they broke up recently.
- Okay.
- And it has to do with me.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, so now, I, uh, am dating Briana.
- What? - Yeah, I know.
So, I just want to know, should I be the one to tell him or should she tell him, you know, because I really like this girl - I thought you were gay! - What? What? You thought why, why did you think I was gay? - So so many reasons! - So many reasons? First of all, what's wrong with being gay? Well, there's nothing, I just because it's You've never had a girlfriend, you're over 30.
That's exactly that's all you got? - I'm a computer engineer.
- You know what, that's what Mom said, okay, "he's a computer engineer".
I don't think just saying someone's a computer engineer Could you stop a second? You told Mom - Yeah.
- that I'm gay.
I may have been preparing her for the possibility.
Okay, what did Mom say? She had some concerns, I'll be honest.
Um, some bakery concerns and whatnot, but then, after a little convincing I got her on board.
This is insane! You have to undo this! I don't obviously I'm gonna tell her, I'm not just gonna let her still think you're gay.
Wait, wait, stop for a second.
How many people know? How many people did you tell? Nobody! I'm not going around like, "He's gay!" I just people assume, Mike, you know, obviously thinks your gay.
- Obviously? - Yeah, how do you for sure know, by the way, that you're not gay? Because I'm how do you know you're not gay? Well, because I've been there a couple of times and it's not for me.
You never told me that.
You've been there? You've "been there"? What does that mean? - Where have you been? - Vaginas.
- You've been to the vagina.
- I've been to the vagina store, and I didn't find anything I wanted to purchase.
Look, what do I tell Nick, seriously, though? Because I don't want hurt feelings.
I don't give a fuck! Tell him, don't tell him, who cares? Obviously I came to the right person for advice.
I don't think I'm overstating it when I say it was the Chernobyl of play dates.
I think there was a mass sterilization that went across the Coop.
Well, I feel it's worth saying, they're awful.
- Seriously? - Yes.
Brian, why wouldn't you tell us that before we made plans with them? What, I'm gonna talk shit about the only gay couple in class? Yeah, it doesn't feel great.
Now I'm sure they're gonna want to get together.
I just honestly, I don't have it in me, I can't do that again.
I don't think you have to worry about that.
Why? What do you mean? According to William's mom, who talked to Jessica, they don't want to have another play date with you guys, so you're in the clear.
Excuse me? What problem could they possibly have with us? Well, apparently they thought that you guys are a little bit uptight.
We're uptight? Why? Because we don't let our kids punch us in the face and we don't just like, scream at innocent employees? Wait a minute, that's good news.
We don't want to have more play dates with them.
Right, but if you could just let William's mom know that we are not uptight.
No, she doesn't care about that.
That's fair.
Still tell her, though.
Hey, William's mom, she's not uptight.
That's not William's mom, that's a tree.
I know, I just wanted to practice.
I know it doesn't sound great to say it, but I'm really relieved he's not gay.
I thought you'd actually gotten kinda on board with it.
That's when I thought I had to be.
And besides, I don't really like Boeing airplanes.
Well, he's going to be taking you to that factory either way, Mom, get on board.
I have to say, I'm a little surprised that you're back to watching Amelia watch her dance class again.
Well, if you're going to be my sole caretaker, I want to be sure that I'm on your good side.
Oh, I like where this is going.
Which reminds me, I need you to drive me to the dermatologist on Thursday.
- I'm liking this part less.
- What? I have a little something on my back, I want them to look at it.
You know that you still drive, right, Mom? What if they put me under? To look at something on your back? Well, you never know.
I know in this case, very confident that they're not going to remove something from your back where they have to put you under Oh, now you're a doctor? If you're a dermatologist who just immediately goes from consultation to surgery and needs you to go under, call Leon.
Leon's not going to be around forever.
He'll be around Thursday, though, right? Well - Is Leon okay? - Oh, yeah, Leon's fine.
[teacher] All right, ladies, you are done.
Everyone reach up and curtsey.
Here's your snack.
- How was class? - It was good.
Great.
Oh, my God, our deductible's going up.
- That is bullshit.
- Seriously? Look, "Please see attachment for further clarification.
" What does that mean? - Oh, my God.
- Jesus.
Okay, you know what, we pay for everything, we give her everything she wants.
- Is that a nipple? - That is a nipple, right? - Why is it so close to her armpit? - I'm not sure.