I'm Sorry (2017) s01e07 Episode Script

Divorce Fantasy

1 Mommy, can you please draw a picture of a Christmas tree? Christmas tree? It's, like, ten months 'til Christmas.
I know.
I just want to see you draw it.
There we go.
Uh, this is my Christmas tree, do a little star at the top.
Now can you write, "You make the best cookies.
Love, Santa.
" That seems like kind of a weird thing to want me to write, but, okay, what is it? "You make the best cookies, love" - Santa.
- Santa.
There you go.
- Now write it like you're in a hurry.
- Like I'm in a hurry? Okay, uh, "You make the best cookies.
Love, Santa," I gotta go! All right.
It's not you.
Honey, why would you think that Mommy was Santa Claus? Yeah, come on.
Opal's brother said Santa was really just parents.
What? You think I have nothing better to do than stay up late and, and fill stockings and wrap presents? What do I like to do more than anything else in the world? Sleep.
You do like to sleep.
I knew it wasn't you.
Hey, you know what? Fuck you I am Santa.
I do you presents I fill your stockings That felt good.
And what side would you like with your sandwich? What are my choices? We have French fries, salad, rice [SNIFFLING.]
and for an extra dollar you can have fruit.
Okay, I'll have salad.
What kind of dressing would you like? We have Ranch, Thousand Island, balsamic You know what, I'm just gonna have rice.
Rice sounds great, perfect.
- Okay, I'll put that right in.
- Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
- Yummy.
Is she okay? I mean, she's, like, fully about to cry, right? - Ooh.
I feel terrible.
- Yeah.
All right.
Where are we on Bumbling? Are we Tindering? - Are we is it happening? - I hate it.
I just can't.
The whole internet dating thing.
- Come on.
- It's "What do you do? "What do I do? Are you a serial killer? I'm not one.
" I got, like, two kids.
I don't have time for it.
I just need to find a Mike, is what I need to find.
No, no, no, I mean, yeah, eventually, sure, that's the dream.
But right now, you need to enjoy yourself, okay? This isn't gonna last forever.
Right now you need to be knee-deep in dick.
What does that mean? Well, when I first said it, I was visualizing, like, vertical dicks as high as your knee.
Like a field of dicks? A field of dicks, but now I'm just going more of, like, a horizontal one flopped over the next, like a penis lasagna.
- Yummy.
- Or parfait.
I'm so sorry, we are all out of turkey burgers.
Can I get you something else? Oh, yeah, that's totally fine.
Umm, uh, is there should I look at the menu? - Uh, yeah, I can - Oh, no, God, uh, that's, uh, I don't even need a menu.
Whatever she has I'll have the same as what she's ordering.
You know what okay.
Any, any sandwich.
Her sandwich is great.
Thank you.
Um, what side would you like? We have French fries, salad, rice.
Rice, the rice, I'll definite rice sounds great.
Thank you.
Okay, something is definitely going on.
Should we ask her if she's okay? What, do you know her? No, but she's upset.
She's looking for some sort of human She does not want to talk about it.
Okay, you know what, let's get back to you [SINGING.]
Livin' the life That dreams were made of Why are you so excited about me dating? Because you can.
And now I get to live vicariously through you.
All right, want me to be honest with you? Yes.
Please, finally.
I have a very detailed fantasy about being a divorcee.
And I know I'm happily married, so it's probably never gonna happen, but I would kill it out there.
I just feel like it's who I was meant to be.
- A divorcee.
- Yes! - Who says "divorcee"? - Who? Me, I do.
It's just like a sultry moniker from a bygone era, you know? Like a divorcee she's not afraid to storm into a bank and demand a loan for her small business.
She walks in a room and women grab their husbands and, like, "Don't talk to her, she's a divorcee.
" - Hmm.
- And then they just wanna - talk to me more.
- Even more.
Yeah, yeah, 'cause it's forbidden.
I gotta say, I feel like you have a really inaccurate picture of what it means to be a divorcee, though.
No, I feel like I have a pretty good understanding.
Here's your tuna sandwiches, with rice, um, can I get you anything else? [SNIFFLES.]
You know what, I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry, but are you okay? We feel like there that maybe you're having a rough time.
If there's anything we can do Um, I'd really rather not talk about it.
Can I get you some water? - No, I think we're good.
Thank you.
- No, thank you, thanks.
That's a divorcee.
All right, Dad, where's the rest of my stuff? What else do you need me to take? Oh, I think that's good enough.
Seriously? This one box? You said my stuff was taking over your garage.
You used the word "overwhelmed".
Well, it was in the way.
As opposed to the three birdcages for the bird you've never purchased? Those were always supposed to be decorative.
Yeah, they really give an air of whimsy to your garage.
As does those super necessary collection of fedoras.
Don't touch those hats.
I wasn't planning on touching those.
I'm saving them for my New Year's Eve party, the theme is Prohibition.
By the way, I went clubbing with Bonnie last night.
I think you and Mike would really like this place.
Bonnie's daughter Stephanie dances there.
I'm gonna take this in pieces.
You and Bonnie went clubbing yesterday? - Yeah.
- Dad I don't think you mean clubbing.
You went to a bar? No, it was a club, a dance club.
Like, for elderly people? No, it's, it's a club called Xscape, with an "X".
What? Oh, God, okay, was that, and that was fun for you? Yes.
has some of the best clubs of anywhere in the country, I mean, that and all the weed dispensaries.
Have you heard about edibles? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow! You, you partaking? Bonnie and I like to party.
Super cool, super cool.
Okay, okay, well, it sounds like you guys are really, uh, exploring a whole new world.
- Okay, good for you.
- Yep.
And you said Bonnie's daughter dances at Xscape with an "X"? Yes, she does.
I hesitate to ask this, but - Does she wear a top? - Oh, for Christ's sake.
Okay! I didn't know! She wears a little, like a bra thing and there's kind of like a bootie shorts.
- It's gorgeous.
- Oh, Jesus! Oh, please, Dad, never, ever say "bootie short" or gesture in this way in any capacity again.
You will meet Stephanie at my birthday party.
I look forward to that.
And by the way, speaking of your party, you need to give me the invite list.
I want to get the invites out this weekend.
What do you have planned for my birthday? I don't know, I'm exploring some options.
- Hmm.
- Dad, maybe you could slip into one of these super cool leather jackets for your birthday.
You seem to have a very extensive collection.
If you want any of those, please, help yourself.
Oh, there we go.
I cha-cha-cha, da-lata-ta, ooh-da.
- Is that a tell? - Come on.
You're a terrible bluffer.
- Yeah, come on.
- That's a terrible bluff! Really? I think it was the best bluff ever.
Ooh, guys, it's official.
My friend Jennifer is on Bumble and open for biz! Hey, I'm on Bumble.
What's your friend's last name? No offense, Gavin, but you clearly - have herpes on your head.
I just I don't actually feel comfortable It was a surfing accident.
You said you couldn't even notice it.
Yeah, you can't.
- It's hardly noticeable.
- He's lying to you.
It's very noticeable, and honestly, hard to look at.
Also, I'm not gonna set you up with a living, breathing saint, so go fuck yourself.
- Whoa.
- It's okay, she's right.
I have been meaning to go fuck myself.
- See? - Wow.
By the way, he is delightful.
Why did you say he was gonna be terrible? - I never said that.
- I can't work with you anymore.
Um, let me ask you a question.
- How long was your friend married for? - Nine years.
Which sucks for her, because had she made it to the ten year mark, then she could've gotten alimony until she remarries.
Now she's only getting it for half the length of the marriage, which, you know, 'cause it's California, in other states they're slightly different.
Um, you seem to know an awful lot lot about divorce.
Honey, you know I have a fantasy about being a divorcee.
I don't love that about you.
Uh, can we lose the leather now? I mean, it's a little - No! - snug and smells like - Cool Water in there.
- You look like a marionette.
A good marionette, not like one of the creepy ones.
I would disagree.
I think you look like a creepy marionette, but I find that very attractive.
I'll take it.
I love my jacket, and I can't wait to wear it out to a club.
Great you know what, you should go to Xscape with an "X".
That's the club my 70-year-old father and his allergist girlfriend are frequenting these days.
That sounds amazing.
No, no, it's a new development.
- He's only newly amazing.
- That sounds awesome.
My dad is turning into a recluse.
Oh, that sounds adorable.
But your dad seems cool as hell.
You know what, you want my dad, you can have him.
Then you can plan his 70th birthday.
Well, you should do it in a club.
I'm not encouraging this behavior of my dad's.
No, come on, you should.
I mean, what do you care? He'd probably love it.
Ugh, he probably would love it, I don't know.
I'm like, I I mean, I guess I could lean into it and, what, look into something like a burlesque club or something? - Ooh, yes.
- Yes! So now I gotta watch women take their clothes off while celebrating your dad's birth? Come on, first of all, you're making it sound like a strip club.
This is more like old-timey whores, like in a saloon.
I like old timey whores.
- Ooh I'm leaving you for Gavin.
- Great.
Why is he still needing help to get to the bathroom? - Isn't he blind? - I know, I'm just saying he's here all the time and he's always asking people to lead him to the bathroom.
- I led him to the bathroom.
- So what? So isn't that one of the perks of being blind, like your other senses step up and then it's easier for you to learn the lay of the land? Are you serious, a perk? That's a perk of being blind? - Actually, it is a perk.
- That term is not Dealing with it, that is one of the upsides, I would say.
- What's wrong? - This guy just texted me on Bumble.
Ooh, let me see, let me see, let me see.
"Hi, Jennifer, how's it going? I'm in town from Chicago for a few days.
Would you want to grab a drink?" Yah, yah, you do want to grab a drink.
- No, I don't.
- How do I respond? He doesn't even live here, and he's only here for a few days.
Exactly, that's what we're looking for.
He wants to fuck you - And you should let him - What is happening? Just a powerful musical diversion.
I'm like the Lin Manuel Miranda of fuck songs.
Okay, listen, let's write back something like, "Do you need a place to stay? I've got an extra room, - [MUMBLING.]
in my vagina.
" - Oh, my God.
- No! - It's a joke.
I can't They like funny on these sites, okay? God, I would crush this! Do you know how hard it is to know that I have a gift that I'm never gonna be able to share with the world? This didn't exist when I was single.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, he is cute, though.
- I could see myself with him.
- You're married, though, so Yeah, happily, that's my cross to bear, okay? Can you just let me have this one thing? Sorry, go ahead.
Ooh, he likes trying new foods.
You know what, Erin, I'll try new foods with you all over your body! I mean, nothing spicy or dairy, although, ooh, I'd throw back a couple of Lactaids for this guy.
I find it really interesting that in your fantasies you're still lactose intolerant.
Well, I just like to be responsible even in my fantasies.
Who else do you got in here? I don't know, just a bunch of dudes.
What age did you put in here? - Forty-five to 70.
- Forty-five to 70? I know, like, to a 70-year-old, then I'm gonna be, - like, you know - Yeah? - Ha-cha-cha.
- You could be a cha-cha-cha to, like, a 50-year-old.
This is what, this is what you're looking for, Brad? - He's on the older end.
- Yeah.
I'm just I'm looking for, like, a long-term relationship.
He's not gonna be around that long, so, not the route to go.
I understand what you're saying, but, like, what am I gonna do with, like, a 25-year-old? Have sex with him.
Yeah, I mean, yeah, I could have sex with a 25-year-old.
Wait, I was joking.
Do you really think we could have sex with a 25 - Let's do that's the plan.
- What is "we"? - What is "we"? - I'm having sex through you.
Such a weird thing to say, like, a really weird thing to say.
- No but I love it so much.
- I don't think I'm so glad that you're happy.
I feel like I'm not ready to date yet.
I tried, I just, I can't, I'm not ready.
Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine.
Let's take men out of the equation.
You still need to go out and have some fun like a single person would.
- I'm not going to a club.
- No, you're not my father.
But, can we just go, like, to a fun, trendy bar? Okay, fine.
We can go to a bar, but I'm not washing my hair.
- Hmm? - It's off my hair cycle.
I'm not washing my hair.
You need a cycle.
Oh, my God, look seriously? Again? Did he just get side boob? Oh, my God, he just got side boobs.
- I can't handle you right now.
- You didn't see his hand? [LAUGHING.]
A total crazy person.
Oh I got the invite to your dad's party.
Right? [SINGING.]
We're goin' clubbing For my dad's 70th birthday There's gonna be burlesque.
I got a specialty drink named after him the Martinini.
- It's not my best.
- It's not your worst.
How dare you? I do still think it's weird that this is now Dad's life, that he's drinking, doing drugs, going to clubs.
Well, you know, he's recently divorced, and that's one of the upsides, you can do whatever you want.
That's what I say.
Mom, I'm gonna be honest with you.
I have a little fantasy about being a divorcee.
- Me too! - You've been one twice! Both times you jumped right back into marriage.
I know, I never did it right, so I fantasize about the next one.
"The next one"? Don't you think you're gonna be more of, like, a widow that time, less of a divorcee? Yeah, but isn't that the dream scenario? I also have thought that, right? Right, I mean, it ups the sympathy, it cuts down on a lot of the paperwork.
And there's, like, a clean break, there's no guilt.
- Ooh, more RSVP's.
David's in, you're in, thank you.
Uncle Richard's in.
We got a "no".
Dad RSVP'd no to his own party.
Why do I let him near technology? When I'm a widow, I'm only dating men who are good at technology.
Yeah, well, that's gonna be tough in your age group, mom.
You might want to just aim for good breath.
Yeah, that's a good one.
Or no colostomy bag.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.
All right, I'm taking your computer away.
You RSVP'd no to your party.
It was not a mistake.
- What? - As you know, I have been planning my New Year's party for some time now, and the theme and premise of my party was going back in time to a time of cocktails an era of more thought towards dress and fun in a past era.
Ah, right, right, one of those classic parties.
And while I appreciate your efforts, I'm a little bit upset that your premise and invite steals some of the thunder and excitement from my event.
What? I, I am so confused right now.
What, what exactly is happening right now? Well, my party theme was the Roaring '20s.
- You copied it! - First of all, Dad, you said that your theme was Prohibition, and also, my party is not '20s.
You called it "The Great Grandsby".
I was trying to give it a cutesy name to disguise the fact that it's a bunch of old people heading out to a club.
There was a flapper on the invite.
'Cause she was dancing, and apparently that's your new hobby.
Dad, I was trying to throw you a party, okay? Not insult you.
Well, between the two things, honey All right, you know what, Dad? Assuming that this was a legitimate beef, which, by the way, is insane, this is the way you chose to go about it, by just casually RSVP-ing no to your own party and then, and then just waiting for me to notice? Well, I knew it would get your attention.
You know what, Dad, I put a lot of time and effort into this party, and if that's not something that you're gonna appreciate, I honestly, I don't know what else to say, okay? - I gotta go.
You've got to be fucking kidding me.
So, what are you gonna do? Oh, I cancelled the party.
I sent out the email already.
- Whoa.
- What was I supposed to do? He's acting like a 17-year-old girl at prom who's crying, not because someone has the same prom dress, but someone's got one with a similar sleeve.
The similarities of your dad and a teenage girl are striking.
This is why you shouldn't do nice things for people.
I don't want to get in trouble for being nice, but - Well, then don't.
- You're looking good.
Why are you wasting this on going out with Jennifer, huh? Mmm, okay, you know when you say stuff like that you make it very hard for me to fantasize about divorcing you.
There's been a lot of divorce talk lately.
- Should I be concerned? - No, sadly we're definitely gonna die in each other's arms.
- Cool? - I mean, obviously, I don't want to divorce you, I love you, blah-blah-blah.
But, you know, I mean, you gotta admit, if you were, like, free from me for, like, three weeks, you could date, just like, do whatever you want - I'm all on board with that, but - Right? Would you be able to get all that you want done - in three weeks? - Yeah, good call, actually.
You know what, let's jam it up to a year.
- Wow, a year.
- Yeah.
Listen, this isn't just for me, you know.
- Hmm.
- You know that if you're out there, on the market, you're, like, - a hot commod.
- Wow, thank you.
I mean, I do feel like you'd probably, like, just fall into something serious with one person right away.
I'm gonna play the market, gonna find, like, 40 dudes.
Wow, that's excessive.
- That's not even one a week, Mike.
- It still seems high to me.
I'm being conservative.
I could go up to 52 with a whole year.
I could go up to 104, really.
I could get two done in a week.
Now you're just showing off your math skills.
Wish me luck.
I love you.
Good luck good luck? Hey, that doesn't start tonight.
It might be it depends how tonight goes.
See, nothing crazy, it's just a bar.
You've been in them before, right? How are there so many people here on a weeknight? They're single.
I mean, some of these people are, like, our age.
They have to have kids and stuff.
It's one of the perks of being divorced, you can go out.
Again, I feel like we have really different definitions of the word "perk".
- I don't think we do.
- What can I get for you ladies? - Um, I will have a white wine.
- Don't be an asshole.
Um, can we have two Manhattans, please? - Thank you.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- She's the boss.
Listen, it is a perk, because now you have a built-in baby sitter, okay? Who else loves your kids as much as the spouse you hate? [SCOFFS.]
- And by the way - Hmm? He also is gonna take them for, like, a week or more in the summer.
So you are just like, what do I do with myself? You can go to Europe, you can go to England, you can go to on one of those horrible looking cruises they're always pushing in front of "Downton Abbey".
- On the river? - On the river.
I don't want to do that.
Literally, and I've thought about this, the only way to have a great vacation when you have kids is to get divorced.
That's a dark perk, but it is a perk nonetheless.
That's my specialty.
It's like riding a bike.
Yeah, and, like, she can only do it for 20 minutes at a time.
And end up with a sore crotch at the end of the night.
It's your turn.
You raise chickens in your yard? I would love to have fresh eggs.
I should get some chickens.
Yeah, I see absolutely no downside to that plan.
And I tried to grab her, and I'm yelling, "Are you okay?" And she vomited into my mouth.
Shut up! I love this story so much.
All right, well, I just text you then the next time I'm in Griffith Park.
All right, the next time I'm in Atwater Village I'm gonna text you.
Ooh, I got a good photo of you mid-dart throw.
I am so very drunk.
You are such a lightweight.
What did you have, like, one drink and part of a beer? Yeah, I think I just don't go out very often, so it just went straight to my head.
Is it bad that I feel fine? I'm glad we Uber-ed but Are you okay? [WHISPERING.]
I really, I don't feel good.
You're in a hospital.
You were roofied.
What? I know, I, I, I was with you the entire time, you're completely fine.
As soon as we saw that anything was wrong, we went straight to the Emergency Room.
Oh, my God, I was roofied? Yes, apparently you were roofied.
We, we, we got fluids going through you, we're getting it out of the system.
This happened at the bar? I assume so, I, I, I don't know.
I'm so sorry for forcing you to go out.
You were right, it is a shit show out there.
Listen, if you still want companionship, I will share Mike with you in, in, like a "Sister Love" situation.
You mean "Sister Wives".
The wives, the wives, the wives situation.
"Sister Love", that's a darker, darker thing.
- How are you feeling? - I guess I'm just glad I'm okay.
I can't believe that happened.
I thought only college students and stupid people who go to raves get roofied.
On the bright side, I guess it means you still got it.
Oh Andrea - Sorry.
- I don't like that.
- So sorry.
- Yeah.
Way too soon.
You know what, I'm gonna go grab you a juice.
Promise I won't put anything in it.
Again, I joke when I'm uncomfortable, you know that.
I'm sorry.
You were drugged.
That is not something to laugh at.
That is a fact.
- Hmm.
- I will be right back.
- Um, do you want this open or - Go get the juice.
Hey - Hi.
Is she okay? Yeah.
She's groggy, but she's gonna be fine.
- It's so crazy.
- I know.
I mean, I feel like this is my fault.
She told me she didn't want to go, and I forced her to go out.
It's not your fault.
You didn't know that that would happen.
I know, but what if this is, like, the thing that makes her, like, never go out again? She was just getting out there, and then she needed to get fucking roofied? She'll be all right, she's strong.
There was one, though, good thing that did happen tonight.
Mm-hmm? What? She was chatting with some of the night nurses and now they're all planning a little girls weekend in Santa Barbara together.
- Oh, that's nice.
- Yeah.
Plus, all the nurses are in their 60's, so she'll probably look the best in her bathing suit, which, obviously should not matter, but let's be honest, feels pretty good.
Yeah, there's my wife.
All right.
I never want to get divorced.
It's nice to know all it took was a drugging to get there.
Well, you know, that's how I make most of my decisions.
I have to witness a drugging and then I really kind of come to my senses.
- You know that, right? - Hmm, yeah, that's you.
Oh, by the way, um, I may have offered to share you with Jennifer in, like, some sort of "Big Love" situation, so Are you kidding? I've always had a fantasy about being a polygamist.
- Really? That's your fantasy? - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
While you're married you fantasize about more marriages.
- You sick motherfucker.
Yours looks good.
Yeah, never go with that, always go with this.
- Always go - [PHONE VIBRATING.]
- My dad.
- Can you pick it up, please? Someone's gotta end the madness.
- All right, I'll be right back.
You cancelled the whole party? Oh, you mean the party that you're not going to for your own birthday? Yeah, I cancelled it.
Now everyone's asking me what happened.
Well, did you tell them it's because you're upset that my party invitation slightly tread on your roaring '20s thing that's happening ten months from now? By the way, Dad, mine was burlesque, which is more '40s and '50s, okay? - Burlesque was popularized in the '20s.
- Okay, you know what, I'm sorry I'm not up to date on my history of sex dancing.
You know, I feel like this whole thing is just really a big misunderstanding.
It's a misunderstanding? Personally I thought your invite was insensitive, but now I can see that it was unintentional.
You just don't know anything.
Wow! That's the apology? I mean about the '20s, honey.
You know tons of other stuff.
You didn't let me finish there.
Oh, my God.
Dad, is this really what this whole thing is about? Just because my invite touched on your decade? - Well, yeah.
- Would it be helpful if I just bumped mine to the next decade, the '30s? I'd love that.
Great wait, was there burlesque in the '30s? Well, if it started in the '20s, doesn't it make sense Okay, perfect, then I don't have to change anything else, right? Nope.
Now I'm excited about the party.
- So happy.
- I love you.
I love you too, bye.
- Everything okay? Yeah, I mean, the party is going to be literally exactly the same, but instead of the '20s it's gonna be whatever the call the '30s.
- The Depression.
- Yeah, that feels right.