I'm Sorry (2017) s01e08 Episode Script

Butt Bumpers

1 GIRL 1 [ON TV.]
: Let's make dresses for the wizard's ball! Oh, Lilac, you're going to look so pretty for the wizard prince.
You know, maybe the wizard prince should like Lilac for who she really is, not just what she looks like, right? GIRL 2 [ON TV.]
: Scarlet, let's use the Ring of Infinity to make the prince want to marry me.
I think if I had the Ring of Infinity, I'd want to use it to help other people, not just myself.
I mean, that's, like, a pretty special thing to have.
Then you'll be a real princess, and you can have lots of little wizard babies.
I mean, they might want to also get a real job and have a passion and make some money so they don't have to just rely on old Prince Face over there.
Mommy, can I just watch my show? Yeah.
Of course.
By the way, I like it when you speak your mind.
I'm gonna go do some work.
I'll help you cast the love spell.
I like the way Scarlet's helping a friend.
We were daytime buzzed by the pool for five days straight.
- It was heaven.
- If we thought for a moment that there was any way Sophie would have a normal childhood and not grow up to be a serial killer without parents, we would've just stayed in Kauai and let her fend for herself.
I always say I do not do enough day drinking.
- She says that an alarming amount.
- I just, I can't There are too many things that we don't get to do anymore.
Like sleep in, go to movies.
We don't get to sleep with other people.
That's the worst part, I will say.
We don't let her have sex with other people.
It sounds like you're being a dick about it.
I don't let you sleep with other people, so Right.
And I totally don't because I always listen to what he says.
So I never sleep with other people.
Can I just say I am very glad that we finally got this dinner on the books and happening.
I mean, I'm just going to say it.
You're not terrible for school friends.
I hope that's not too forward.
- Wow.
- That's damning with faint praise.
That's as good as it gets.
- I mean, for school friends.
- So now who's being a dick? Fair.
That's fair.
But just, like, a little bit of a dick.
- Just the tip of a dick.
- [ALL LAUGH.]
Can I get you guys anything else? - I think just the check, thank you.
- Okay.
I'll be right back.
I actually have a serious question for you guys.
- Yeah? - Is our waiter Rob Reiner? We're gonna need a bigger boat.
That's Rob Reiner was not in Jaws.
- Nope.
- Who am I thinking of? - Roy Scheider? - Roy Scheider! Wait, do I think the waiter is Rob Reiner or Roy Scheider? - Rob Reiner.
- Rob Reiner.
- All in the Family.
- Oh, that's the Rob Reiner reference? Do you guys want to get home and catch Maude? Oh! I'm not sure if I mentioned that Mike is actually 70.
- Has he had work? - ANDREA: Some work.
- But I think it looks natural.
- Time out.
Larger issue.
Do you actually think our waiter is Rob Reiner? We don't know how he finances his films.
Excuse me, could I just get some more water, please? - Sure.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Okay, I owe you a huge apology.
That is Rob fucking Reiner.
Wow.
- Wow.
Wow.
- Right? - 100%.
- Either way, I'll have what she's having.
- That was bad.
- I thought that was a great joke.
- We'll get the check.
- Mike - This is on us, obviously.
- I got it.
I got it.
Oh, you're paying in mints? Seriously, how old are you? Do you come from a time where you could pay for things with mints and sarsaparilla? [ALL LAUGH.]
ANDREA: I feel like this is the first time we've had potential to go from school friends to, like, actual friends.
Dare I say, people we go away on vacation with? - [EXHALES.]
Wow.
- Right? - Well, they check all the boxes.
- They check all the boxes.
I like her.
I like him.
Amelia likes their daughter.
I like Sophie.
I could go on vacation with Sophie.
- This might be worth the effort.
- Well, yeah, but we gotta get something else on the books, because if we lose momentum, we are fucked.
Flocked.
Flocked goes the weasel.
Hi, Mommy.
Oh.
Wow.
Look at you.
I thought I hid that goddamn vacuum.
MIKE: Why? I don't love the message it sends.
It's very gender-specific.
I vacuum and you vacuum.
I know, but you wouldn't give a little boy a vacuum.
And then with the apron Hey, bubs, you know what we never did? We never played with that exploding volcano kit you got for your birthday, and that looked so fun.
Oh, yeah.
Can we do it now? Yeah! You know what? Let's do it.
Good idea.
And you're already got your science lab smock on.
Very smart.
I'll meet you in your room.
- Wow.
Nice.
- Yeah.
That was how you do it.
Yeah, I know what you did.
Well, I know what you did last summer, so I don't have a response to that.
Mom, I think we can make a late lunch work.
What, like 2:00? SHARON [OVER SPEAKER.]
: Okay, but I have to leave by 3:30 so I can feed Leon.
Why are you feeding your husband? What does that even mean? Can't you just say, "Give him dinner"? Fine.
I'm going to feed Leon dinner.
Mom, "dinner" is not the problem word.
It's "feed.
" It's weird that she says that, right? Yeah, Sharon, feeding is what you do to a baby or an animal.
Yeah, Mom, you feed the dinosaurs at Jurassic Park, not a human being.
No, you don't feed the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park.
That's what starts all the trouble.
If you keep the dinosaurs hungry, that's when the trouble starts.
So you have to feed them so they don't act crazy.
No, if you're the person there at the park, you're not supposed to feed the dinosaurs.
Because other people behind the scenes are feeding them.
The keepers.
- Behind the scenes? What's going on? - I'm still on the phone.
Sorry, Mom.
I just assumed you'd hung up.
All right, we'll see you at 2:00.
Good luck on the kindergarten test.
It's not a test.
It's an assessment for a school we're applying to.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- [MUSIC PLAYS ON SPEAKERS.]
- Oh, that's our song.
Everybody knows Well, that Girls are gonna Save the world Boys have had it too long So come on let's do Ooh, is that a necklace? Girls wear necklaces.
And also soccer shorts.
Come here, lovesie.
You ready? Hey! Don't tell me you guys are already done.
- Okay, bye.
- And there they go.
- How was it? - Honestly completely relaxed.
Amelia's going to have a great time here.
Oh, good, good, good.
Hey, we were thinking of swimming tomorrow afternoon.
You guys want to come by? - Sounds great.
- Yeah, definitely.
- Like 11:00-ish? - That's perfect, actually.
Also, heads up.
The guy running the assessment, pretty sure he's Ralph Macchio.
Oh, did he tell you to "Stay gold, Pony Boy"? Ooh, deep cut.
Because I was gonna say I hope he doesn't wax off in front of your child.
Wow.
We gotta go, unfortunately.
- So maybe we'll see you tomorrow.
- Maybe.
- Come on, Amiels.
- Soph, we've offended our new friends.
Bye, guys.
Oh, I love them.
Keep it in your pants.
Yeah, that's not possible.
Not with what I'm packing.
- You get that? - Yeah.
Because I have a dick in my pants.
- I got it.
- That you like to have sex with.
Do I? ANDREA: This is actually pretty cool.
You know what? It's not bad.
It's kind of just like a big playdate.
I heard it's a really big sibling year here for girls.
- Great.
- Siblings get in automatically.
- We know.
- There's not gonna be a lot of spots.
- Oh, my God.
- It's like The Hunger Games.
If that's the case, we should leave immediately.
They can smell blood.
Hi, Sarah.
How are you? It's good to see you.
- Who's that? - That's my friend Sarah.
Her husband died recently.
Oh, my God.
Are you serious? How old was he? - Young.
He was, like, our age.
- Jesus Christ.
He had a very aggressive form of pancreatic cancer.
It's so awful.
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Oh my God, that's my worst nightmare.
They're definitely getting in.
- Maureen.
- What? No, we're not doing that.
I'm sorry I have to ask this, but do they have a girl? - They do.
- Jocelyn, seriously? - You're doing this? - I'm sorry.
I know.
You're right.
We have to know what we're facing.
What we're facing? I care, but - I'm not going to act like a maniac.
- I know you do.
You wore a dress.
ANDREA: Now you're just being mean.
- Come on, this is not - Mommy, this is my friend Zack.
He also likes volcanoes.
Ah, very cool.
Hey, Zack.
His mommy is a veterinarian.
We love animals.
That's a cool job she's got.
My mommy's a writer.
That's right.
She's a writer.
That's what I do.
Miss Jocelyn, what do you do? Oh, my job is being Olive's mommy.
That's not enough.
What else do you do? Well, that is more than enough.
And being a mommy is important, and also the hardest job in the entire world.
So that's a big job.
But, Mommy, you said you have to find passion and get a real job.
Uh-huh.
But that was in a very specific context.
I think it's important to be a mom.
I literally cannot get Amelia's "that's not enough" to Jocelyn out of my head.
Yeah, but you said Jocelyn was cool with it, right? I apologized profusely.
She seemed okay.
I told her it was coming off the counter-programming of the princess stuff.
But it was hard to watch.
Yeah, I mean, I know that it didn't sound great when Amelia said it out loud, but that's kind of what we're teaching her, right? No! Not to judge other women's choices.
Yes, to be a strong female.
I mean, if Amelia wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, I would be fine with that.
Really? Yeah, if she got an education first and knew that she could do anything she wanted.
Because then she would have something to fall back on in case something unforeseen happened in her relationship.
- True.
True.
- I mean we wouldn't want her to be stuck in some shit-dog marriage just because she decided to leave the work force for so long.
That's a lot of nuance for a 5-year-old.
Who the fuck knows? I just want my daughter to have options and be open to other women's choices.
- I totally agree.
- Maybe I've over-corrected.
On another note, though, I really liked that school today.
And I am extremely comfortable thinking that our child could be in Ralph Macchio's capable hands.
I would personally prefer his cousin Vinny.
You think maybe you were just excited that you thought of another Ralph Macchio movie? - I was.
Yeah.
- How about I will let you kiss me for five seconds if you can think of another Ralph Macchio movie by the time I count to three.
- One, two, three.
- Karate Kid II.
All right.
You're not kissing me back.
I said that you can kiss me.
I didn't say I was going to kiss you.
Go ahead.
You still have a couple seconds left.
This is weird.
All right.
All right, that was it.
You got it.
- That was fun for - That was fun.
Fun for one person in this bed.
[LAUGHS.]
That was very fun.
I'm gonna hit that tush.
All right, hop in.
Hey.
Shorts.
Yeah.
Shorts again.
Yeah.
Well, have a great day.
You too! MIKE [OVER SPEAKER.]
: I'm kinda hung up at work.
I'm going to be a little late to Ben and Caroline's, okay? All right.
No prob.
We'll see you when you get there.
Come prepared to wow.
Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Mommy, who's the princess you like the most? Well, you know, I like Belle.
Because she likes books.
Right.
That's true.
But maybe I've overlooked the charms of some of the other cool princesses.
I like the Little Mermaid.
Uh-huh.
Well, you know, I like Ariel too.
I mean, she gave up her voice to be with a man that she just met, so She's the prettiest one, so she doesn't need a voice.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Well, I don't think it's because she's pretty that she doesn't need a voice.
I think that's just something that she decided wasn't important to her at that moment.
- [MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Ooh, Mommy, that's our song.
Oh.
Yeah, there it is.
Girls are gonna save the world You know, girls don't have to save the world.
Only if they choose to, you know.
Although, let's be honest.
Even if they choose to, they'll probably be told they can't.
But, you know, they don't have to.
So I think it's more Girls are gonna save the world But only if they want to - We're here.
Hi.
- Hey.
Where's Mike? He had to run into work, but he'll be here soon.
Hi, Soph! - Hi.
- Actually, Caroline's not here either.
Her mom's car broke down, she had to go get her.
- Oh, God.
- She'll be back soon.
So it is just us and the girls, I guess.
Come on in.
Oh, okay, cool.
Oh, how chivalrous.
Thank you.
Ben, this house is gorgeous.
Oh, thank you.
I can't take any credit.
- It's all Caroline.
- Yes, obviously.
Obviously for the ceramic pig princess, which is mine, and she's not allowed to touch it.
Actually, I was going to get you one of those, but I assumed you already had one, so Oh, yeah, sure.
Several.
The rest are in storage.
We know you like to day drink, so Caroline made a jug of sangria before she left.
You want some? Um sure.
Of course.
I'll have a sangria.
I do like day drinking, as you said.
- Famously so.
- Mm-hmm.
- Cheers.
- Oh.
Cheers.
Mm.
Oh, that's very good.
I did a study abroad year in Spain.
She did a lovely job.
I will pass that on when she gets here.
Yeah.
Mommy, we want to go swimming.
Um oh, okay.
I thought we were going to wait till Daddy maybe got here, - and then we could all go - Together.
- Together.
- No, we want to go in now.
Well, um Oh, I just need to put my bathing suit on.
So is there somewhere for me to take these off and Of course, yes.
put that apparatus on.
Right where we came in.
- Oh.
- First door on the left.
- Powder room.
- And you know what? I will grab this friend to take with me, so I'm not alone in a scary bathroom.
Not that your bathroom, obviously, would be scary.
I will be right back.
Uh, hey, I'm so sorry to bother you.
Amelia says she's allergic to sunscreen? Nope.
That's a lie.
Thank you.
She definitely needs the sunscreen.
Thanks.
Sorry.
Okay.
Again, sorry.
No problem.
Bye.
Great.
MIKE'S VOICE: Hi, you reached Mike Harris.
Leave a message.
Okay, where are you? Caroline had to go.
I am now alone with Ben.
I am topless in their powder room, drinking sangria, about to slip into a pool.
I do not have a cover-up, and it is a very long distance between this bathroom and the steps of that pool.
I need you to get here.
This is Andrea, by the way.
Mommy, hurry up.
I'm hurrying.
I am hurrying.
Is Amelia's mom going to swim in her sweater? No, of course not, honey.
AMELIA: Mommy, hurry up.
I am hurrying.
I am getting in there.
Coming in.
Whoo! Oh! That is colder than Whoo! Okay, I'm in.
Look at you guys twirling.
You know, once you're in here for a while, your body really adjusts.
Yeah.
Yeah, you get you get used to it.
- Yeah.
- We keep it kind of cold.
Mommy, you guys hold hands and make a bridge, and we'll swim under.
Oh no, no.
I don't think we need to make a bridge.
You guys do something.
Yeah.
You know what? Why don't you guys do butt bumpers? - Yeah! - What's butt bumpers? You know, you take somebody the other person's hands, and you press your feet together, - and then you bump butts.
- It's very, very, very easy.
Mommy, show her.
Do it with Sophie's dad.
Oh no, no.
We you know what? Why don't you and I show her.
No, that won't work.
You have to be the same size.
Oh.
Right, right, right.
Um, do you mind? Of course.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh It's very simple.
You You hold hands.
And then you put the bottoms of your feet together.
And then you you bump butts, like this.
So, Ben and I have officially touched butts.
You know, in some cultures that means that I may have a baby inside me.
So we may be sharing a child with this other family.
I am so sorry I missed it.
Shut up.
I thought you were going to be there longer.
Well, I think after the ass play we felt very comfortable calling the playdate.
Ass play? Aren't you maybe blowing this out of proportion a little bit? - No.
- I mean, it was just a pool game.
- And you love Ben.
- Yeah.
But it is intimate to be parenting with someone other than your spouse in their home.
And then we're just looking at each other's bodies.
- I mean, Ben's nipples.
- You checked out Ben's nipples? Obviously.
If someone's nipples are out, in what scenario are you not checking them out? And by the way, I recommend if you're ever near him again, get a real good look at them.
- They're they're stunning.
- Okay, yeah.
But I mean, Ben would never do anything inappropriate.
No, no, no.
Nobody did anything inappropriate.
This was not a sexually charged atmosphere.
Imagine you and Caroline, okay? You're alone in her house.
You're boozing.
You shimmy into a pool.
You sort of accidentally graze her wet skin.
And then, for one brief moment, her butt and your butt become one.
- Okay, all right.
I got it.
- Yeah.
You get it? Yeah, okay.
So are we never going to see them again? No.
We have another dinner.
I like them.
- I want to get through this.
- Okay.
Good.
Yeah.
The good news is, I don't have to even wear a top to dinner, because Ben has seen everything.
What bathing suit did you wear? Oh, I took my top off.
You know, it just seemed like the right thing to do.
It seemed sexier to be, like, covering the important parts versus just, like, taking it all off, and then it's just science.
That was a smart play.
It may have backfired when Ben got his huge boner.
- But, you know - He didn't get a boner.
Did he? Yup.
Ben got a boner and I took my top off.
That's how the family playdate ended.
Now you know everything.
Honey, I found these in Amelia's room.
Is it okay for her to play with these? Yes.
I'm trying to loosen up a little bit.
Oh, good.
You need it.
Oh I'm so excited to play with heels again.
Mom, she can wear the heels, but only if she's going to ask you about them.
- Don't push them on her.
- I'm not going Just put them out.
Make them one of the choices.
- Okay? - Okay.
To be clear, you are not going to make the choice for her.
And whatever choice she makes, you can support the choice, but don't, like, over-support the choice.
She either wears heels or she doesn't.
It's a woman's choice.
Okay, I don't have all day to stand around and try to figure out what you mean.
I have to leave in ten minutes to feed Leon.
- Mom - Oh! I'm going to grab a dress for her to put on with the heels.
Mom, you've got to stop saying that.
You're not feeding Leon.
Okay, I'm not feeding him, but I am serving him dinner in bed.
I'm sorry, what? What? He likes to be comfortable and get in bed and eat dinner.
What are you serving him in bed? Like sandwiches? No! Do I serve sandwiches for dinner? No.
Last night I made him lamb chops and couscous.
This is like this is like on a tray? There's no tray.
He pulls up a towel and eats on that.
I mean, do you pull the comforter down? You don't need to pull the comforter down.
You have the towel.
Oh, of course.
Because that would be crazy.
You understand that this sounds insane, right? What? I'm from another generation, okay? What, like the pre-Confederacy generation? You look very good for 136.
It's like walking on eggshells talking to you.
- Really? - Yes.
Okay, well, I'd rather walk on eggshells than turn over in the middle of the night on top of old pieces of lamb chops.
Oh, no, no.
He loves my lamb chops.
There's never any leftovers.
That's unbelievably not the point that I'm making.
I have to say, Andrea, I love that shirt.
Oh, thank you.
It's its first outing.
She's coming out to see the people.
I could see you rocking this shirt.
- Really? - Yeah, 100%.
Ben, you think I could pull off that blouse? Oh, uh oh, um all blouses look good on you.
- That is true.
They all do.
- Thanks.
Okay.
Oh, hey, before I forget, we are going to Arrowhead over spring break, so if you want to join us - Yeah.
Yeah.
That sounds great.
- It would be fun.
Right? - It's gonna be fun.
- That'll be fun.
Yeah.
We're in.
Thank you, by the way, for thinking of us.
You think there'll be snow up there then? - Hard to say.
- Hey, um I just want to apologize again - about the whole playdate thing.
- Oh, don't apologize.
- Missing it.
- Well, no apology needed.
And I promise, Ben and I are going to power through this.
It's not going to stay awkward for long.
What are you talking about? Oh, I sorry, I just assumed that Ben had told you that it kind of turned into a different playdate the other day.
I mean, you and Mike suddenly weren't there.
Then it was Ben and I alone.
You left sangrias.
Then we're drinking and then swimming.
And the kids forced us to touch our butts and Ben didn't mention any of that.
Well, I'll I'll tell you now I see I mean, because it wasn't a big deal.
I really was making more of a joke about it more than anything.
- Anyway, it was just strange - You know what? Please.
I get it.
- It's fine.
- Okay.
- I think I made it sound worse.
- Okay, it's fine.
You guys know what you're getting? I think we should do family style here, right? Ben, how come you didn't tell me about butt-bumping with Andrea alone in our pool? Oh, because, uh because we weren't alone.
The kids were there.
- Yeah.
- I think it was more awkward - than anything, right? - Yeah.
Mike knows about this too? Oh! Only because when I got home, I he was there and I was like, "Oh, this was funny.
" And, I mean, let's be honest.
Two adults who barely know each other kind of slipping into a pool touching bottoms - is not totally normal.
- It's unconventional.
Unless they negotiated a very steep price, obviously.
Which we did not do, so no money changed hands.
Kind of a missed opportunity, maybe, a little bit.
It's just a little weird.
It's fine.
I get it.
Okay.
Are you guys ready to order? I think we need one more minute.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
So who do we think that guy looks like? I don't think he looks like anyone.
It is hard not to look like anyone.
Still no text from Caroline.
It just happened.
Let's give it a couple of days.
All right.
Hey, Bubs, did you bring Walter - to sleep with you at Grammy's? - Yep! All right! - Keep driving.
- Oh.
Mom, we're here.
Where are you? SHARON: We're back here! All right.
But your top on.
We're coming back.
This is going to be a fun sleepover.
[KNOCKS.]
Knock, knock.
Oh, hi.
Hi, Tootsie Roll.
We're going to watch a movie after I feed Leon? AMELIA: Yeah! Oh, my God.
I know that you explained this to me, but this is hard to witness.
Is that zucchini? That's more of a ratatouille, actually.
- Wow.
- Ooh, can I feed Leon? SHARON: Sure, you can.
You know what? Give him some carrots.
He loves his carrots.
- There you - Thank you.
- [SHARON CHUCKLES.]
- Okay pulling back was a terrible idea.
I hate that fucking mermaid.
Ariel made a bad, bad choice.
You know what, Buppie? We're actually going to let Grammy finish whatever it is that she's in the middle of, and we're going to get some ice cream and come back, okay? - Really? - Yeah! Let's do it! - I'll meet you in the car.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- I'm throwing away that fucking vacuum.
- Okay.