I'm Sorry (2017) s01e10 Episode Script

Off the Charts

[ANDREA] Oh, yeah.
[MIKE] You want me to wash back here? - Mmm yeah, that's good.
- Okay.
Oh, ow, ow, ow! Ah! I can't lift my arm any higher, but there's, like, conditioner still in my hair.
How did you do this again? Uh, I did it yawning? You pulled a muscle in your neck from yawning.
Yeah, I am not a young person.
It wasn't even, like, with a stretch.
It was, like, all jaw.
Thank you for helping me in my time of need.
Can I wash your boobs? - Is that why you're helping me? - No.
- Can I wash my boobs? - No.
Fine.
Turn around so I can rinse your back.
Come on.
[WHISTLES] Don't whistle at me like I'm some sort of dog.
A dog would let me wash its boobs.
I will say, I can get used to this.
I see where Stephen Hawking fell for his nurse.
You're comparing yourself to Stephen Hawking now? [IMITATING ROBOT VOICE] Yes, Mike, thank you very much for all of your help today.
No, I'm getting out.
[CONTINUES IN ROBOT VOICE] No, Mike, wash my boobs.
- Now I'm torn.
- You have to choose between my boobs and nothing, even though they are paralyzed boobs.
[LAUGHING] Stop! [MUSIC] - Hey, Dad, what's happening? - Hey! You know how I'm thinking of turning the front room of the house into a club? No, uh, but you got my attention, I am listening.
As a decor thing.
I want to put some sensual photography up on the walls, you know.
I was wondering if you had any boudoir photos you'd be comfortable sending to me.
What is happening right now? Why do you think this is an okay thing to be asking your daughter for? Oh, come on, I just want to celebrate the beauty of the women in our family.
Bonnie's doing it with some of her nieces, and I also want my own family to be represented.
On your sensual wall? Okay, you know, even it's something that doesn't show your face.
If not my face, what of me do you want to show? Dad, what is happening right now? Well, what? You know what, Dad, I'm going to take a pass on this one I guess I appreciate the ask.
Will you at least think about it? There is literally not a world where I will not be thinking about this for the rest of my life.
Great, thanks, bye.
Bye! - Well, your eyes look good.
- Great.
I am surprised you don't need reading glasses.
Well, I'm just trying to keep it all together.
- [CHUCKLES] - If it makes you feel any better, I did throw my neck out from yawning last week, so That does happen to people at our age.
- Mm-hmm.
- You got a little girl, don't you? Yeah, Amelia, she's heading to kindergarten next year.
I cannot believe it.
You guys thinking about having another one? Uh, maybe, you know, we haven't totally decided yet.
Biological child, you gotta just, just jump on it.
Oh, yeah, okay, yeah.
Yeah, I know that these days people seem to be having kids in their 40's but, if you want to know, most of them aren't it's not their sperm, not their egg.
Oh, okay, great, great, um So, do I need a new contact prescription or No, you are good.
Great, so it's just the eggs.
Just the eggs.
Oh we're high-fiving now, okay.
Hey, does our optometrist ever high-five you? I wouldn't know, I haven't been in years.
- Seriously? Why? - I have perfect vision.
Okay, you don't have to act like you earned your 20/20 vision, okay? It's genetic, you've done nothing.
Maybe you kept them from being, like, gouged out by a bird or something.
I never look directly in the sun.
- Brag! - How are your eyes? Actually, my eyes are good, but apparently - my eggs are turning into ova-dust.
- What? Yeah, my optometrist was giving me fertility advice, you know, as optometrists do.
I think you should switch optometrists.
Or I just shift them into the OBGYN spot.
I feel like Dr.
Sapkin would be comfortable just only getting in my eyes for a while.
I really hate to say it, but maybe he did have a point.
I mean, we have talked about possibly having an other child, and we are not young people.
But apparently I look the same age as him.
- What? - Yeah, and he is a solid 60.
So it's just another highlight of the appointment, they just the hits kept coming.
But I do think that maybe we should get our friends checked.
- Yeah.
- Don't you think we'd feel better knowing that everything was kosher down there? Not loving the kosher-genital connection.
You know in all the medical journals where they're like, "This looks kosher, take out", or "This looks kosher, keep it in.
" I think it's a great idea, I think you're right, let's do it.
All right, let's do it.
The good news is, even if my eggs are dead, my Dad still thinks I'm hot enough to get on his sex wall, so everybody wins except me.
Have you gotten back to him about that yet? Ugh, well, first I told him no f-ing way, but then I, you know what, there's one photo that I thought I can show him.
I was thinking about sending this.
- No! - [LAUGHING] This? I thought you were gonna get rid of that.
I'm not just gonna get rid of it.
You don't get rid of a piece of art like this.
I hid it in one of the folders.
If you need it, it's under "Taxes 2013".
In what circumstance would I ever need to find that? Uh, if the North Koreans were bombing Los Angeles and they said the only thing that would stop us is we'd love to see a photo of a woman aggressively biting a dick and clearly loving it.
- Yeah.
- If I have cancer and my only dying wish is to see a photo of a woman biting a dick.
Or if Amelia's life depended on it and it was like, the only way that a kidnapper would give her back.
Right, those are legit.
Do you remember the name of the folder? "Taxes 2013".
I'm not saying that we are having another baby.
I just, we wanna get our stuff checked out to keep our options open.
So Mike has to get his stuff checked too? Mom, why are you smirking? I just think it's funny he has to go to an office to do his business.
- You are ridiculous.
- Have a sense of humor.
Oh, have a sense of humor? Okay.
- Oh, I like that, Bubsy! - Nice work, honey.
It's hula hoop time! Hula hoop time? Okay.
Let's see if I still got this.
You want to be impressed? - Look at you! - Oh, I'm sorry, like this? By the way, shouldn't you be hearing soon about Amelia getting into kindergarten? Yup, this week.
Apparently all the schools contact every family at the exact same time Friday at two.
What? Why do they do it that way? That's terrible.
I don't know, they must just feel like, just better be safe, tell everyone at once.
- Hi, Daddy! - Hey, baby.
Hey, Sharon.
Hi, Mike.
I heard about your upcoming check-up.
Are you sure you're "up" for the part? Sharon, are you joking about my semen? [CHUCKLING] Yes! - I am! - I'm sorry, honey.
[KEEPS GIGGLING] Stop giggling.
- Oh, it's funny, come on.
- I know, did you see his face? [BOTH LAUGHING] [PHONE RINGTONE] - Hi, Dad.
- Hi, pumpkin, what you doing? I'm on my way to pick up Amelia from school.
What are you doing? Are you like, nude in a jacuzzi, smoking peyote? Am I close? No, that was last night.
Oh [MOCK LAUGHS] We have fun! Now, listen, have you given any more thought to those boudoir photos I asked about? Uh, I've definitely given it more thought, probably not in the way you're hoping.
Dad, I honestly, I really, I don't know how else to say this it's not gonna happen.
I will have it printed and pay for the framing, I know that can be expensive.
Dad, it could not be less about the cost.
Well, I'd just like to get the photo wall up before the barbeque this weekend.
Yeah, everyone wants to look at sensual photography of the family while eating ribs.
- [TEXT ALERTS BLEEPING] - Oh, my God, I am blowing up.
- Oh, it must be two.
- Wh-what happened? Yay! Amelia got into Weston! That was the school we wanted.
- And her back-up! - Yes! I knew she would! Dad, do you even know how old Amelia is? - Of course I do, she's seven.
- She's five.
- Right, she's five.
- Oh, my God, I gotta go.
Maybe we should talk to the principal and get a one on one or something.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION] - Hey.
- Hey, we didn't get into our first choice, we didn't get our second choice.
- How'd it go for you? - I forgot my phone.
- Are you joking? - No, you know what [STAMMERS] Right after this, I'm gonna run home and, and, you know, see what happened.
- You should borrow my phone.
- Yeah.
Oh, you know, that's okay.
I should probably be alone when I check that.
I heard Weston only took four kids that weren't siblings.
- Really? - Yeah.
God, that's crazy, oh, my God.
A lot of parents are coming over tonight, we're gonna drink wine and commiserate.
Okay, yeah, no, if I can, I will 100% be there.
You know, I gotta go grab Amelia, but I'll let you know what happens.
All right, Amelia, we gotta go, come on.
- But I want to play.
- No, no, no, we gotta head out.
- Come on, come on, come on.
- Why do we have to go right now? Well, because Mommy's gotta take some photos for Grampy's barbeque.
You know what, that's a lie, I can't even hear that out loud.
We're late for the toy store, come on, it's windy.
Do we got to go? Yeah, we got to go run, run, run run! Bubs, you remember Weston, the school with the spinny thing that you liked? Guess what? That's where you're going to go to kindergarten next year.
- Really? - Yes.
Yep, you're a lucky girl, that's a really good school.
I know.
You know, I'm gonna email all these schools, just for making the whole process so pleasant.
Right.
I liked all those people, they were great.
And also, you know, I'm gonna email Weston, say we're very excited to be part of their community, because that's how I'm going to be talking now.
Okay.
You know how involved I like to be with Amelia's school.
God, we don't have to volunteer, do we? Um, I want to get a beer, do you want one? Oh, no, no beer for you.
You're up first thing tomorrow morning, doctor's office.
Oh, right, forgot about that.
We need your sperm with their eye on the prize, but also want them to have a kind of a calm confidence that says, "I got this.
" That's a lot of nuance for sperm.
You guys, you got this.
[WHISPERS] I believe in you.
Hey, hey, Andrea, what you doing? Hey, hi.
So, how'd you guys make out today, huh? Uh, it was has been a crazy day, crazy.
How did you guys end up? - Rough.
- I'm sorry.
Still don't know where Izzy's going to go to school next year.
I'm going to Weston.
- We got into Weston too! - Yeah! - Why did you not say anything? - You guys didn't say anything.
I wasn't going to say anything when you're like, "I don't know where Izzy's going to go next year.
" - Okay, spot-on impersonation.
- I have a gift, I have an ear.
But honestly, it has been crazy tough, so I know, I know, a lot of people are upset.
- Actually, we also got into Waverly.
- Oh, my God, so did we.
All right, you know what, this actually feels gross.
- This is nasty, yeah.
- All right, please go.
Right on, bye-bye.
Hey, good to see you guys.
Oh, hold on good to see you! See? I think he was saying bye to your balls.
Yeah.
Oh, my God, it's early, Jesus.
- I feel sorry for you.
- It's okay.
Hi.
Do you think maybe we shouldn't have brought Amelia with us? Why? Well, we're going to a fertility clinic.
Don't you think we look like we're bragging, like, "We already got one.
Now we're just looking for back-up.
" It's fine, and besides, it's seven a.
m.
on Saturday.
What else were we gonna do with her? - I'm gonna sign us in.
- Oh, excuse us, sorry.
- Oops, sorry.
- Thank you.
All right, Bubs, let's sit over here, okay? Mommy, look at Walter and me dance.
Okay, you know what, let's not dance, let's, um Okay, you know what, let's color, let's do a little Hi coloring that's better.
- She's so sweet.
- Oh, thank you.
But, you know, it also can be a lot sometimes, you know, a lot of work.
Yeah, but I'm sure it's worth it.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But also, there's a lot of things in life that are worth it too.
There's just there's so many fun things.
- Mm-hmm.
- We're just, um We're probably just gonna stick with the one, we're very appreciative of what we have.
Yeah.
Anyway.
How long did they say? You they're gonna see you right away.
- Oh, good.
- I've got a couple of guys ahead of me.
There's only one masturbatorium? Yeah, they call it a "deposit" room, actually.
- Really? - Yeah.
I don't like that.
Todd? Right this way.
Pull it together.
- We know what Todd's doing back there.
- Yes, we do.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] Do you think he'll look like he lost weight? Thanks.
Did you notice that everyone walks in exhausted and then leaves with a real spring in their step? He had a good time back there.
How long do you think this is gonna be? Well, you got two guys still ahead of you, average time has been 14 minutes the bald guy took a little longer, but I think that's because he's older.
My money's on blue shirt over here to [CLICKS TONGUE] hit the record.
- There's a record? - Eleven minutes.
You gotta stop timing people.
I know, I'm sorry, I can't help it I'm glancing at the clock and then I get invested.
By the way You got a "plan of attack" for back there? What are we working with? I got some images I'm gonna work off of.
Do I make a cameo in any of them? You pop in and out.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Brett? Kind of like the reverse walk of shame.
- [ALL CHUCKLING SOFTLY] - Please don't engage the room.
All right, I think we're safe, though, as long as it's daylight.
We don't stay past sundown with the erotic wall and newfound love of edibles.
By the way, Bubs, don't eat any chocolate you see lying around Grampy's.
Why? Grampy's chocolate makes tummies hurt.
- You made it.
- Hi, Grampy! - Hey, sweetie! How are you? - Of course we made it hi! - Hi, how are you, mwah! - Mwah! - Hey, there.
- Michael.
All right, Dad, just let's get it done with.
Where's the "club" you've been going on about? Well, it can't be a club, I mean, it's it's my home, but it feels like a club.
- I've got - This? Yeah, I got the deep seating, the comfy chairs.
And look at this I got little wine bar over there.
This is I like this, actually.
And this is the, uh, sensual wall here.
So we just don't look at that one wall.
- Right.
- Great.
Let me get you something to eat, come on.
Hey, you made it, you're there.
Oh, well, oh, he took that off his phone.
That's me, right to the left of Bonnie in her underwear and underneath short snow top.
- Okay, so this is happening.
- Yeah.
[GENERAL CONVERSATIONS] I have to say, this is actually a very nice barbeque.
Very nice barbeque, right? I didn't know what we were going to be coming into.
I didn't know if I was going to have to wear a full body condom or something.
It's a lovely party, and we made the wall.
Is that a goal of yours? Well, no, but it's nice to be included.
By the way, how did it go at the doctor's this morning? Oh, good news I got follicles for days.
We're just waiting on Mike's results.
- [CHUCKLING] - Mom Why are you smirking now? By the way, when he was in the deposit room doing his business, your face popped up when you texted, "How's it going?" with the rain emoji.
Well, they didn't have a sperm emoji, did you know that? I'm sure there is a sperm emoji somewhere, - you just have to go to the right - Well, I couldn't find one.
But anyway, he had to start over from scratch, - and it really affected his time.
- His time? Oh, you'll appreciate this.
So, I was timing all the guys to see how fast they came in and out of the room.
[BOTH CHUCKLING] Thanks to you, though, Mike came in last.
- What was the record? - Eleven minutes.
Oh, I've done six.
Well, listen, I've done four, so tough times.
[CLANKING BOTTLE] Yeah, um, I just wanted to take a minute to thank you all for being here, you know, it's not every day that I get everyone in one place, people that I Um, I love all of you.
Enjoy the ribs.
Cheers.
[ALL] Cheers.
Wow, that was actually very nice.
I'm telling you, as guys get older they get more sentimental.
Remember my dad? He started crying at every sunset.
Oh, that was an uncomfortable trip to Hawaii.
I'm just happy that he's appreciating his family, other than a, you know, put out your nipples and hang 'em on a wall kind of way.
I'm insulted that he hasn't asked for my picture.
I'm sure if you got yourself naked on a beach - he'd throw you up there.
- He better.
You don't make his, I'll put you up on mine.
Oh, I wouldn't automatically go up on your wall? Oh, no, no, it's a very tough screening process.
- There's a lot of applicants.
- Oh.
Can you, like, stand on a beach, like, with your back to it, and, like, just hold one breast and just look over your shoulder like you didn't know I was standing there? What are you doing here? - Oh, that's good.
- Yeah.
- Are you covering your nipples? - Yeah.
'Cause I'm going to need you to show those.
- So - [SIGHS] - Bye, Martin.
- Bye, thanks.
- Bye, Grampy.
- Bye, sweetheart.
- Bye, Dad.
- Thank you.
- Thank you so much for coming.
- Oh, of course.
It means so much that you made the effort.
This was so fun, and by the way, this was very nice.
I'm not sure I've ever seen you this happy.
Well, that's the point of the drug.
What do you mean? I'm on Ecstasy.
Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
He's doing Ecstasy at a daytime family barbeque? What is happening? - This is insane, right? - Yes, this is insane.
I don't even know how to process this at this point.
It's just is this a phase? I don't know if this is a phase.
If it is, when are we gonna end the phase? I just assumed that he really thought my pants were made out of a cool material.
Because he wanted to get in your pants because he was on Ecstasy, Mike.
This is a man who's doing this in front of his granddaughter, I mean I don't want to have to cut off all ties with him, but he needs to know that this behavior's not okay with me.
- You're not gonna change him.
- I know.
But you should tell him that it pissed you off.
- He needs to know.
- Oh, I am going to.
Hopefully he won't be, like, on meth or something at the time because it's just like those mouth sores can be very distracting.
I have something that's gonna make you feel better.
All right, yeah? It's a little something I call "Off The Charts".
I'm not enjoying it so far, but, okay.
I got my results back today and my sperm is off the charts.
Oh! Yay, yay, yay! Okay, see? Maybe we're not as old as we thought we were.
I'm still clinging on by my fingertips.
Well, the only thing I'm clinging onto is the edge of the charts.
Really? But don't take my word for it, here.
Oh, this very official medical document that just weirdly happened to be on your nightstand? Yep.
Mobility off the charts, consistency off the charts.
- Oh! - Cytoplasmic droplets.
Two? Two doesn't seem off the charts.
Tail length, OTC.
"Tail length"? Like that's the sexy part of your sperm, - the tail length? - Did I over-play the tail length? Look, is this going to be something that you just, like, brag about a lot? Because, as your friend, I need you to know that this is not a great color on you, just so you know.
Oh, you know what does have good color? [IMITATING ROBOT VOICE] Your sperm? Is that the thing that has good color? Remember me from the shower? Yeah, my penis hates you.
I don't think that's the case.
Just keep working on it.
Oh, God, why are you doing that? You will learn to love my voice.
- No.
- You will learn to love it.
You will love me.
Oh, what a surprise.
I didn't expect you.
- What are you doing here? - Hi! Yeah.
Dad, can we have a conversation? Sure, absolu what is everything okay? Listen, I know that you've been exploring some new sides of yourself recently, but I I'm sorry, is there a way we can not have this talk next to the wall? - Oh Come on in.
- Thank you.
All right, I've tried being supportive when you said you were now clubbing, and then also the implying that you have sex with people outside of your relationship.
- Well - I have tried not to be judgey.
- Thank you.
- But yesterday, that was not great for me.
I thought the barbeque was wonderful.
Yeah, it was, until you told me you were on Ecstasy.
Obviously, you are a grown man, I am not gonna tell you what to do, but in front of my child? That was not, not fun.
- You know what? - What? You're right, it was a step too far, even for me.
Yes, it was.
I appreciate you taking responsibility, though, for it.
And I'm feeling really badly about it today, but you know, being old is hard.
I know, but the alternative is death, so I don't want you to feel badly about it well, a little bit I just needed you to know how I feel.
It's impossible not to feel badly - Well - with Ecstasy.
I mean, Ecstasy itself is great, but it's the coming down, oh, my Lord.
That's your takeaway? They should put a warning on that sucker.
Yeah, I think the government making it illegal was the warning.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, so Are we agreeing no more mind-altering drugs in front of your granddaughter? - Yeah, I promise.
- Thank you.
Now, can you stay for breakfast? No, I gotta go, um, do some emails for Amelia's kindergarten stuff.
Oh, did you hear where she got in? Yeah, Dad, you were on the phone with me when it happened.
I was? Oh, that's scary.
Okay, again, I really can't stress this enough we need to not be doing Ecstasy.
He did admit that he went to far, which I'm not sure I ever heard him saying.
I think he was maybe still just coming down from the Mollies, there was still a touch of it in him still.
Ugh, I just can't wait for this to be over.
- His life? - Oh, Jesus, this phase! What is wrong with you? - [PHONE RINGTONE] - [LAUGHS] - Oh, it's Brian.
- Oh, pick it up.
You know what, I just emailed him about Weston.
Brian, you're on speaker.
- Hey, Mike.
- Hey.
- Hi! - Hi! Got your email, and I love that idea about the kids doing the summer camp together.
I know, I'm so excited.
Oh, by the way, that picture is killing me.
- What picture? - Stop, you're joking, right? You stop, are you joking? What are you talking about? The picture on the email? The picture that you put as your signature? [MIKE] Where is the last email you sent? I only sent emails to Brian and the kindergartens.
Holy shit! [MIKE] Oh oh, my God.
Oh, this is fun.
Brian, we'll call you back.
Again, I'm so sorry.
I, I do comedy and I think somebody may have hacked into my computer thinking it as a joke, but we are still so excited to be a part of the Weston family.
- Uh-huh.
- And clearly, the contents of that particular photo is by no means reflective of who we are, and we are actively searching for the person who did this because we are just as mad, if not more mad, than you are.
I am so sorry.