I'm Sorry (2017) s02e01 Episode Script
Quietly Bleeding
Hey have you seen my wallet? Yeah I think it's in our bathroom.
Oh okay.
I'm sorry, I didn't know we had company.
What? Your friend, tank top, or is it Mr.
Tank Top.
I don't know why I'm being so formal.
I'm just a little flustered, we hadn't been introduced.
Okay, yes I bought a tank top.
I mean how long has this been going on? I bought it when we went to Santa Barbara.
Wow, I guess, you know, the beach culture can be very seductive.
Okay, do you want me to change? I don't know, suns out guns out right? [sighs.]
Yes I would like you to change.
- [Mike.]
Okay, alright good.
- Two things though.
Should I change our dinner reservation to three, and are you the reason Megan's law is in existence? - Oh my god.
- Thank you.
Important question though, are you all about that he said she said bullshit? Don't drink too much Mountain Dew.
Mommy, can I have a string cheese? I'm starving.
You're starving? Wow, I would of thought that the seven meals that I provided with you today would of staved that off.
Oh, disaster averted.
Lovey, we are going to have to head home soon though, 'cause a someone is starting school tomorrow.
We have a kindergartner in our family, what? How is that possible? Grammy, can we swim before we go? Oh sure, come on, let's do it.
Oh, your majesty, please allow me.
Wow.
I still can't believe she's gonna start kindergarten tomorrow.
I know, she is old as fuck.
Seriously though, this is like a big deal, this is like real school now.
She's gonna be doing homework and book reports, and.
Uh, what's going on over there? Someone's enjoying their day.
Oh, they are enjoying their day.
I wish we could enjoy our day like that, right? Wait, are those women a couple, or are those prostitutes? They are not prostitutes.
Uh, those are prostitutes.
And we just witnessed an exchange of money for goods, and very filthy services.
I'm not gonna lie, I'm feeling a little bit of a rush right now.
I've just never seen that transaction in nature.
They were just going at it right there.
They got to display their wares, they gotta move the product, and that product is ass.
Honey do you have Emilia's towel? Yeah, it's right here.
Mom, your nipple's out.
Oh, sorry.
Must of shifted in the pool.
Don't apologize to me, apologize to my husband.
- Look at his face.
- It's fine.
He can't even look at you.
[Grandma.]
Really, I'm sorry Mike.
Mike, be honest, do you see a family resemblance in the nipples, because I've always thought I took after my father in that way.
I'm not answering that.
Mike, it's just a nipple, everyone has them.
Even you.
Alright Sharon please don't mention my nipples now.
- I'm gonna mention your nipples.
- Please don't.
Wow, I actually have a podcast called Mike's Nipples so.
I'd love to have you guest one time.
I just feel like if my nipple was out in the open air, I would feel it, I would know.
Yeah, but hers are older, I mean maybe they're not as sensitive.
Oh, why am I talking about this.
Did you just call my mom's nipples old.
Yeah.
Wow, she is not gonna be happy when I have to 100% tell her you said that.
- No you won't.
- Yes I will.
You won't tell her that I said her nipples are old.
You know that I will though.
Stop it.
What time are we setting the alarm for tomorrow? 6:30 A.
M.
Why does kindergarten have to start so early? I don't know.
That was one of the things I loved about preschool is that it technically started at nine but that was more of a vague recommendation.
I wonder what teacher she's gonna get.
I mean Mr.
Castelottis supposed to be great, - I'm sure they're all good.
- Yeah, yeah yeah.
This is like, really a thing.
Big deal.
She's gonna have so much fun.
How much money do you think I would make as a prostitute? Oh boy, I knew it.
Of course you knew it.
But seriously, like I just want to know my market value, like for real.
I have no idea, I'm not familiar with the average day rate of a prostitute.
I think you could guesstimate what I might go for.
I'd love a number please.
I don't want to half ass it.
Why don't I go out there and do a little research, - and uh.
- Ooh.
Get back here.
Like, as in hire a prostitute or Google something? I'll probably just Google it.
Of course.
Alright, I appreciate your attention to detail and I look forward to the number, however you research it, and get back to me.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Are you looking to work hard for the money right now? Oh, eyebrows, not loving that working John.
Yep, you're a mean prostitute.
You haven't let me just play my wares.
Oh wait there's wares? I'll see a display of wares.
You'll sample the wares? - Sure.
- Alright.
I'll sample.
You will need to bring a coupon to do that though.
- What? - Yeah.
Wait you're a prostitute with coupons? - Yeah.
- That's not good.
[laughing.]
How are we running late.
We rose with the sun.
Emilia, come on, let's go.
Mommy.
How are you not dressed? What have you been doing for the past 30 minutes? I didn't know if it will be hot or cold today.
Oh my god, just put on clothes.
Go, go, go! Can I wear my cat ears? Yes, wear whatever you want.
Just wear something, we have to go.
What the fuck.
[upbeat music.]
Lovey, you got Mr.
Castelottis.
[Mike.]
Oh hey, I hear he's great.
Hey we got Mr.
Castelottis too.
I'm Beth, this is my daughter Sophie.
Hi, I'm Andrea, this is Mike, this is our daughter Emilia.
I love your cat ears Emilia.
- Do you want to play fairies? - Sure.
- Oh my god.
- That was quick.
That was like a dream come true.
It's a really great line, I used to use it in bars.
Do you want to play fairies, that was your pickup line? - Killed.
- Oh my god.
Mike, be honest, how many times were you amazed - before you met me? 13? - We just met her, so.
Did you want to try it on? Do you need me to step away? Oh I can act like I didn't hear it the first time - if that's.
- I think that would help you.
- Hey guys.
- What, hi.
- How you Mike.
- This is Beth.
Beth, Brian.
So Izzy got Ms.
Reamus.
No, we got Mr.
Castelottis.
Oh, I'm sorry, don't hit me over there.
Well I'm very very mad.
Although Ms.
Reamus looks delightful.
[Beth.]
I heard all teachers are great.
They'll have recess, they'll be able to still hang out.
Hello, good morning, I'm Mr.
Castelottis, everyone in my class, let's line up and head inside.
Wow.
That's their kindergarten teacher? Good luck, he looks like he gives great hugs.
Brian stop smiling.
It's, okay.
Yeah, her kindergarten teacher is balding, wears a suit, has a full mustache.
This is what I left my daughter with.
Okay, so your daughter is being cared for by a child molester? Yes, obviously.
- Wow, great parenting.
- I mean, thank you.
Listen, if she's gonna get molested, I rather it happens at the school so at least she's getting an education at the same time, that way you know, it's not just only about the sex.
What, what are you talking about? Are you okay? I don't know, I'm so tired, I had to wake up at 6:30.
I hate kindergarten.
This is crazy.
You are acting like a lunatic, what are doing? Kyle hold my hands.
No, no, put your little grabbers away, I don't want them.
Get them, I don't want your touching.
- [keys clacking.]
- What are you doing? Is this better than anything you've ever written? I write what you write, we write the same thing.
We don't write the exact same thing.
If we wrote the exact same thing, then we could just take half the time to do something.
I'll be honest, we could take half the time to do something if you would talk about your daughter's school less and worked more.
Fine, can we just write the scene at graduation.
I have notes on that in here.
Listen I don't want us off track again, but how much do you think I would make as a prostitute? Seriously, like true question? Okay, forget it, forget it.
No no no no no.
Perfectly valid question.
Okay.
I'm assuming this is some sort of make a wish situation, you've been diagnosed with terminal cancer, and the Make a Wish Foundation decides to grant your wish which is to be paid for sex, I guess.
I bet they could find somebody to pay seven dollars.
You proud of yourself? Did that feel good? Taking me down? And then, you have to remember, Make a Wish Foundation is a not for profit, so the money for them is purely symbolic.
Oh, so it's like your dick? No sorry, no my dick isn't symbolic at all.
It's a literal dick.
It fact, it's almost too on the nose.
Is that where you put your dick? On people's noses? If they want me too.
If someone asked me to put my dick on their nose, I'd happily do it.
I'm not judgemental.
Alright, you know what, put it on my repertoire.
One of the things I need to know as an prostitute.
People like to throw their dick on a nose.
See, you know what? Your price just went up.
- Really? - Yep, 13 dollars.
You sure this is where they said the kindergartners would come out? Yeah, this is where they said, right here.
I'm a little nervous.
Feel like I'm waiting for my husband to stroll out of prison.
Okay, yeah I'm not interested in hearing your dirty prison fantasy again.
What, it's just been 20 years since I've seen him and no man has been able to satisfy my needs like he did.
Actually warden, maybe give me a few minutes before you give his clothes back.
I got a couple things I want to.
No don't involve me in this, and also, why would he be walking out of prison naked? I mean he would of already been given his clothes by now.
Oh, all of a sudden you're just an expert in the intake and outtake of federal penitentiaries? - [school bell rings.]
- You cast me as though.
Oh, here they come.
Where's my girlie? There she is, come here lovey, hi.
Bubs, what's wrong? I want to go home.
Okay.
What happened? I think I got her asleep.
Yeah? Oh man, broke my heart to see her so upset.
I know, me too.
I mean we just threw her to the wolves today.
She was acting like a cat, of course the other kids called her a baby.
I mean we know kids can be dicks, but the fact is, Emilia's had absolutely no dick in her life.
Usually that sentence would delight me and I can't even enjoy it.
Why didn't I make her take off those god damn cat ears.
I don't think we could of seen this coming? She is six and acts like a little baby.
That is on us.
We treat her like a queen.
We literally robe and disrobe the child.
The way she just holds her arms out, waiting to be tended to.
She's an animal.
We just got to stop coddling her so much.
You're right.
Parenting can lick my butt.
Right.
I will say, there's also another more important subject we need to discuss.
Where are you on my prostitution number.
Oh, I've made some headway.
Did you actually Google it? Is that now lurking in your computer search history? Oh yeah, unfortunately.
Alright, so I've got some questions for you.
Yeah.
Just want to do my due diligence here.
Finding this all very attractive.
- Okay great.
- So you're saying that prostitution is your full time job now? Yes, like you've been in some sort of tragic, probably disfiguring accident.
I'm no longer funny, this is literally all we have as a family to survive.
Okay, alright, I've got a number.
Great.
Alright, based on my research I think you'd do very well.
Really? I'm gonna say 250 dollars.
250 dollars? Are you out of your god damn mind? Oh wow.
For the whole night? Yeah why, what were you thinking? I was thing 10,000 dollars min.
Whoa, people don't spend 10,000 on prostitutes.
How much sex money do you think people have.
You know what, no.
I don't accept that number, okay.
Because I have a product that is superior to other products on the market.
I am very good at what I do.
You are good, but 10,000 dollars.
You know what the problem is? You are undervaluing its worth.
Your sex worth? Yeah, you've lost all perspective.
It's like, if you were married to a chef.
You know, after a while you stop appreciating the culinary skill and you think, oh yeah, everyone cooks this well.
- Maybe.
- Because I'll tell you what, most people in the world cook hot dogs, and I fuck like a champ.
That is a sentence.
I wouldn't put tongue to tip for 250 dollars, to be clear.
Another good sentence.
I go first, then Grammy.
Actually you went first last time Bubs, now it's Grammy's time to go first.
[Emilia.]
I want to go first.
Well, we all want to go first right? But that wouldn't be fair to Grammy.
She would be very sad if she didn't get her turn.
Honey, you go ahead and go first.
Well then you know what, I'm not gonna play, because the rules say to take turns.
If we're not playing by the rules, then, I'm not interested.
Everything okay? It's just you know, when you play a game, you got to all take the rules in and not complain about them.
That's what we do.
Go ahead mom, it's your turn.
This is gonna be fun.
Oh, look at me, a double.
Oh, I just got a single.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
You've already picked a card.
Well, I made a new rule, I get two cards.
We've already agreed to the rules, - it's one card.
- You're not playing fair.
- Actually, I am playing fair.
- No you're not.
Yes I am, these are the rules.
- No they're not.
- Yes they are.
Well I'm not playing.
Okay, well Grammy and I are gonna keep playing, and I am getting very close to Licorice Lagoon.
Da da da da da da.
You could of just let her take another card.
Mom, you want me to just let her cry and get whatever she wants? - She's six years old.
- Exactly.
Six is not a baby.
And you know what, she doesn't have a sibling to toughen her up.
Dave used to spit in my mouth if he caught me cheating.
Oh god.
Exactly, and that is why I know to follow rules.
She doesn't have that luxury, so now I have to pretend to give a shit about Candyland.
Don't say shit.
Okay well, you know what I am going to say.
I just entered Candy Castle, does that mean I win? I mean, I didn't see this coming but I accept what's occurred.
You are a model of sportsmanship.
Thank you.
And by the way, it says the youngest player goes first.
- It does? - Yeah.
What's it say now? I think it's just probably who got in to Candy Castle last.
Okay mom, careful there rouge nipple.
Bubs, I'm putting your name on your water bottle.
Okay.
Actually, yours is the one with the smear.
Mommy, why do so many kids in my class already know the big kids.
Well, a lot of kids in your class have big brothers and sisters who already go to the school.
Yeah, but as you make friends, you'll become friends with their siblings too.
You know what, sometimes it's actually really helpful to be friends with the big kids 'cause they can teach you the ropes of the school.
Make you feel like a big girl.
- [Mike.]
Yeah.
- But it is eight o'clock, and you need to get to bed, so get that tushy up, because I'm going to eat it.
Get in bed.
Oh, it's so cute.
I mean how long do you think it's gonna be before she makes me stop getting up in that tushy? I have to hope before graduate school? She should be so lucky.
I can get to that tushy at graduate school.
And I made friends with a new girl, her name is Stella.
Oh, sounds like you had a pretty good day.
We took turns going down the slide, and I let her go first.
You did? Bubs, I am proud of you.
Did you know Stella has a sister in fourth grade? I did not know that.
She's really nice.
Well that's great.
Remember I said it's sometimes nice to have big kid friends to talk to.
She says I am gonna get pubic hair.
Oh, actually, you know what.
Stella's sister is right, because everybody at a certain age gets hair on their privates, just like mommy, one day, you will get pubic hair.
I don't like your pubic hair.
Wow, okay, well regardless, either way, it's gonna happen to you.
Do boys get pubic hair? Of course, everybody gets it.
Daddy doesn't have pubic hair.
- Yeah, he does.
- No, he doesn't.
- Yeah, he does.
- No, he doesn't.
- Yeah, he does.
- No, he doesn't.
I'm not gonna argue with you about this, daddy has pubic hair, okay.
Mommy, what's a period? How long were you talking to Stella's sister for? Well I guess the upside is our six year old is now prepared for her period.
Downside, I am aware that our daughter is not a fan of my pubic hair.
- What? - Yeah, I am she has no idea, first of all, how aspirational this situation is.
It is primped and preened within an inch of it's life.
So Stella's sister just knew all this stuff? Yes, she's in fourth grade okay? Our daughter's now at a school that goes up to sixth grade, so she's gonna be exposed to all kinds of things.
When do girls even get their period, isn't it like 15? No, I was eleven.
What? I mean I was on the early side, but you know, usually by thirteen, everyone's walking around quietly bleeding.
Jesus.
It's really just been pretty fantastic day, 'cause you know what you get to talk about after you finish with periods? You get to walk them through the specific anatomy of the vagina.
Yeah, the labias, minorum, majora, the urethral opening, that was a big one.
Suddenly really appreciating my 6 P.
M.
conference call.
Yeah well, don't get too comfortable because Emilia doesn't believe you have pubic hair, so I'm gonna need a snapshot.
You're not taking a picture of my penis to show our daughter.
I'm not asking for the Washington Monument, just give me the mall, alright? Not happening.
What if I just wanted a picture for me? No.
I promise I won't show it to our daughter.
I don't trust you.
Well, alright, you got to go to sleep sometime.
See you in bed.
So how's Izzy liking Ms.
Reamus? By the way, Emilia knows about periods.
What? Stella's older sister.
I thought you should know so maybe you'd be more prepared than I was, which was not remotely prepared.
You're serious? Well I told her not to tell any of her friends, so hopefully she will keep her mouth shut.
But just the mommy's want to tell them themselves.
- Oh, okay.
- What? Why do you assume it's gonna be a mommy? - Brian.
- Yes.
Unless your wife, and every other female family member and friend is dead and buried, it should be mommies.
I'm just saying I have a pretty strong take on all this.
Gross.
You're gross.
I can't wait to hear how that goes.
I'll record it for you.
- Will you? - Yes.
Actually, in all honestly, I would love that.
You know, I would talk to Emilia's teacher about this, you know what I'm saying, just give him a heads up.
To Mr.
Castelottis? Yes, Mr.
Castelottis, I mean that is her teacher right? Right.
If it were me, I'd be talking to Ms.
Reamus about it.
I don't enjoy you as a friend.
I love you as a friend.
I don't enjoy you loving me as a friend.
Enjoy your convo.
Convo? Conversation.
Hi, Mr.
Castelottis, I'm Andrea, Emilia's mom.
Ms.
Lauren, yes, hello.
Oh, hi, hello.
I just wanted to let you know that yesterday, Emilia had a very illuminating conversation with Stella's older sister.
And now has learned about periods, and pubic hair, so, um, I just wanted to let you know in case she seems a little off, or god forbid anything comes up, what we've been dealing with at home.
Well I appreciate you telling me.
I'll you know if anything comes up.
Thank you, I really appreciate that.
That would be great.
And just so you know, I know it can seem a little early, but a lot of kids around her age learn about menses.
Uh huh, I'm sure.
And you just spoke about menses, not intercourse? No, just the first one.
Okay, got it.
Great.
Then um, I will see you at pickup.
Sounds good.
Great, have a good day.
You too.
He said menses.
So, you had a good day.
Did you learn anything new? Yeah, I learned how to count by fives.
Five, 10, 15, 20.
Okay good.
[Mike.]
That's good, that's a good one.
Can I have some more water? Sure, you know what, why don't you get it yourself? Can I? Oh yeah of course, you're a big girl.
I'm gonna show Walter how to do it.
Great, 'cause I'm sick of that Walter bugging me to get him water all the time.
Oh boy.
Well I mean, we got through the first week of kindergarten and only had to deal with bullying, pubic hair, and periods.
Not so terrible.
- Right? - Yeah.
I mean I hope we get a little bit of a breather before tackling euthanasia and AIDS, but let's just assume they cover that a little closer to the holidays.
Yeah, it's so Christmassy.
Yeah, there's nothing that says Christmas like pulling the plug on a loved one.
Yeah.
To help them out.
Obviously I cannot speak for all the prostitutes in the world, but people are willing to pay more money for an exclusive luxury brand.
Okay, and how do you plan on becoming so exclusive? Glad you asked.
I've thought about this.
All my marketing, word of mouth.
Word of mouth? Yeah, it creates the mystique.
It's like going to a restaurant that doesn't have a sign.
Aren't you willing to pay a little extra to know that you're getting an experience that other people aren't getting to enjoy.
- Sure.
- Obviously in this situation, the experience is my body.
You know I have to say, I think most prostitutes do not have your marketing savvy.
That's why I have a leg up.
Actually, two legs up, behind my head.
Actually they're not, because you can barely touch your toes.
That is not true.
- I can very much touch.
- Haven't seen it.
Hi.
- How did it go? - Oh she's always great.
- Oh good.
- She went to bed without a thousand excuses? Not quite that many.
Oof, well congratulations.
There was one thing, and not a big deal, but just to let you know, she did ask to see my clitoris.
- Oh my god.
- Oh wow.
I recently have been teaching her about the female anatomy so that must have just been on her brain.
No it's fine, I wasn't pressed she knew the correct term.
Okay, so do Venmo or Paypal, or just how about all that.
Everything that's in your wallet I think is appropriate.
- Thank you.
- You get a fee bump when you're asked to show your clitoris.
Yeah.
So, what'd you think of my work back there? Well you know what, I think it was worth every penny.
Yeah? You think it's the kind of thing that's gonna get people talking? Oh, I think it will start up a conversation.
Great, well then do me a favor, spread the word.
[laughing.]
Seriously, I'm gonna need you to tell your friends.
Really? - Yeah.
- Who do you think? Kevin? Yes definitely Kevin.
You know what, actually just give me Kevin's number.
I will reach out to him myself.
Oh okay.
I'm sorry, I didn't know we had company.
What? Your friend, tank top, or is it Mr.
Tank Top.
I don't know why I'm being so formal.
I'm just a little flustered, we hadn't been introduced.
Okay, yes I bought a tank top.
I mean how long has this been going on? I bought it when we went to Santa Barbara.
Wow, I guess, you know, the beach culture can be very seductive.
Okay, do you want me to change? I don't know, suns out guns out right? [sighs.]
Yes I would like you to change.
- [Mike.]
Okay, alright good.
- Two things though.
Should I change our dinner reservation to three, and are you the reason Megan's law is in existence? - Oh my god.
- Thank you.
Important question though, are you all about that he said she said bullshit? Don't drink too much Mountain Dew.
Mommy, can I have a string cheese? I'm starving.
You're starving? Wow, I would of thought that the seven meals that I provided with you today would of staved that off.
Oh, disaster averted.
Lovey, we are going to have to head home soon though, 'cause a someone is starting school tomorrow.
We have a kindergartner in our family, what? How is that possible? Grammy, can we swim before we go? Oh sure, come on, let's do it.
Oh, your majesty, please allow me.
Wow.
I still can't believe she's gonna start kindergarten tomorrow.
I know, she is old as fuck.
Seriously though, this is like a big deal, this is like real school now.
She's gonna be doing homework and book reports, and.
Uh, what's going on over there? Someone's enjoying their day.
Oh, they are enjoying their day.
I wish we could enjoy our day like that, right? Wait, are those women a couple, or are those prostitutes? They are not prostitutes.
Uh, those are prostitutes.
And we just witnessed an exchange of money for goods, and very filthy services.
I'm not gonna lie, I'm feeling a little bit of a rush right now.
I've just never seen that transaction in nature.
They were just going at it right there.
They got to display their wares, they gotta move the product, and that product is ass.
Honey do you have Emilia's towel? Yeah, it's right here.
Mom, your nipple's out.
Oh, sorry.
Must of shifted in the pool.
Don't apologize to me, apologize to my husband.
- Look at his face.
- It's fine.
He can't even look at you.
[Grandma.]
Really, I'm sorry Mike.
Mike, be honest, do you see a family resemblance in the nipples, because I've always thought I took after my father in that way.
I'm not answering that.
Mike, it's just a nipple, everyone has them.
Even you.
Alright Sharon please don't mention my nipples now.
- I'm gonna mention your nipples.
- Please don't.
Wow, I actually have a podcast called Mike's Nipples so.
I'd love to have you guest one time.
I just feel like if my nipple was out in the open air, I would feel it, I would know.
Yeah, but hers are older, I mean maybe they're not as sensitive.
Oh, why am I talking about this.
Did you just call my mom's nipples old.
Yeah.
Wow, she is not gonna be happy when I have to 100% tell her you said that.
- No you won't.
- Yes I will.
You won't tell her that I said her nipples are old.
You know that I will though.
Stop it.
What time are we setting the alarm for tomorrow? 6:30 A.
M.
Why does kindergarten have to start so early? I don't know.
That was one of the things I loved about preschool is that it technically started at nine but that was more of a vague recommendation.
I wonder what teacher she's gonna get.
I mean Mr.
Castelottis supposed to be great, - I'm sure they're all good.
- Yeah, yeah yeah.
This is like, really a thing.
Big deal.
She's gonna have so much fun.
How much money do you think I would make as a prostitute? Oh boy, I knew it.
Of course you knew it.
But seriously, like I just want to know my market value, like for real.
I have no idea, I'm not familiar with the average day rate of a prostitute.
I think you could guesstimate what I might go for.
I'd love a number please.
I don't want to half ass it.
Why don't I go out there and do a little research, - and uh.
- Ooh.
Get back here.
Like, as in hire a prostitute or Google something? I'll probably just Google it.
Of course.
Alright, I appreciate your attention to detail and I look forward to the number, however you research it, and get back to me.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Are you looking to work hard for the money right now? Oh, eyebrows, not loving that working John.
Yep, you're a mean prostitute.
You haven't let me just play my wares.
Oh wait there's wares? I'll see a display of wares.
You'll sample the wares? - Sure.
- Alright.
I'll sample.
You will need to bring a coupon to do that though.
- What? - Yeah.
Wait you're a prostitute with coupons? - Yeah.
- That's not good.
[laughing.]
How are we running late.
We rose with the sun.
Emilia, come on, let's go.
Mommy.
How are you not dressed? What have you been doing for the past 30 minutes? I didn't know if it will be hot or cold today.
Oh my god, just put on clothes.
Go, go, go! Can I wear my cat ears? Yes, wear whatever you want.
Just wear something, we have to go.
What the fuck.
[upbeat music.]
Lovey, you got Mr.
Castelottis.
[Mike.]
Oh hey, I hear he's great.
Hey we got Mr.
Castelottis too.
I'm Beth, this is my daughter Sophie.
Hi, I'm Andrea, this is Mike, this is our daughter Emilia.
I love your cat ears Emilia.
- Do you want to play fairies? - Sure.
- Oh my god.
- That was quick.
That was like a dream come true.
It's a really great line, I used to use it in bars.
Do you want to play fairies, that was your pickup line? - Killed.
- Oh my god.
Mike, be honest, how many times were you amazed - before you met me? 13? - We just met her, so.
Did you want to try it on? Do you need me to step away? Oh I can act like I didn't hear it the first time - if that's.
- I think that would help you.
- Hey guys.
- What, hi.
- How you Mike.
- This is Beth.
Beth, Brian.
So Izzy got Ms.
Reamus.
No, we got Mr.
Castelottis.
Oh, I'm sorry, don't hit me over there.
Well I'm very very mad.
Although Ms.
Reamus looks delightful.
[Beth.]
I heard all teachers are great.
They'll have recess, they'll be able to still hang out.
Hello, good morning, I'm Mr.
Castelottis, everyone in my class, let's line up and head inside.
Wow.
That's their kindergarten teacher? Good luck, he looks like he gives great hugs.
Brian stop smiling.
It's, okay.
Yeah, her kindergarten teacher is balding, wears a suit, has a full mustache.
This is what I left my daughter with.
Okay, so your daughter is being cared for by a child molester? Yes, obviously.
- Wow, great parenting.
- I mean, thank you.
Listen, if she's gonna get molested, I rather it happens at the school so at least she's getting an education at the same time, that way you know, it's not just only about the sex.
What, what are you talking about? Are you okay? I don't know, I'm so tired, I had to wake up at 6:30.
I hate kindergarten.
This is crazy.
You are acting like a lunatic, what are doing? Kyle hold my hands.
No, no, put your little grabbers away, I don't want them.
Get them, I don't want your touching.
- [keys clacking.]
- What are you doing? Is this better than anything you've ever written? I write what you write, we write the same thing.
We don't write the exact same thing.
If we wrote the exact same thing, then we could just take half the time to do something.
I'll be honest, we could take half the time to do something if you would talk about your daughter's school less and worked more.
Fine, can we just write the scene at graduation.
I have notes on that in here.
Listen I don't want us off track again, but how much do you think I would make as a prostitute? Seriously, like true question? Okay, forget it, forget it.
No no no no no.
Perfectly valid question.
Okay.
I'm assuming this is some sort of make a wish situation, you've been diagnosed with terminal cancer, and the Make a Wish Foundation decides to grant your wish which is to be paid for sex, I guess.
I bet they could find somebody to pay seven dollars.
You proud of yourself? Did that feel good? Taking me down? And then, you have to remember, Make a Wish Foundation is a not for profit, so the money for them is purely symbolic.
Oh, so it's like your dick? No sorry, no my dick isn't symbolic at all.
It's a literal dick.
It fact, it's almost too on the nose.
Is that where you put your dick? On people's noses? If they want me too.
If someone asked me to put my dick on their nose, I'd happily do it.
I'm not judgemental.
Alright, you know what, put it on my repertoire.
One of the things I need to know as an prostitute.
People like to throw their dick on a nose.
See, you know what? Your price just went up.
- Really? - Yep, 13 dollars.
You sure this is where they said the kindergartners would come out? Yeah, this is where they said, right here.
I'm a little nervous.
Feel like I'm waiting for my husband to stroll out of prison.
Okay, yeah I'm not interested in hearing your dirty prison fantasy again.
What, it's just been 20 years since I've seen him and no man has been able to satisfy my needs like he did.
Actually warden, maybe give me a few minutes before you give his clothes back.
I got a couple things I want to.
No don't involve me in this, and also, why would he be walking out of prison naked? I mean he would of already been given his clothes by now.
Oh, all of a sudden you're just an expert in the intake and outtake of federal penitentiaries? - [school bell rings.]
- You cast me as though.
Oh, here they come.
Where's my girlie? There she is, come here lovey, hi.
Bubs, what's wrong? I want to go home.
Okay.
What happened? I think I got her asleep.
Yeah? Oh man, broke my heart to see her so upset.
I know, me too.
I mean we just threw her to the wolves today.
She was acting like a cat, of course the other kids called her a baby.
I mean we know kids can be dicks, but the fact is, Emilia's had absolutely no dick in her life.
Usually that sentence would delight me and I can't even enjoy it.
Why didn't I make her take off those god damn cat ears.
I don't think we could of seen this coming? She is six and acts like a little baby.
That is on us.
We treat her like a queen.
We literally robe and disrobe the child.
The way she just holds her arms out, waiting to be tended to.
She's an animal.
We just got to stop coddling her so much.
You're right.
Parenting can lick my butt.
Right.
I will say, there's also another more important subject we need to discuss.
Where are you on my prostitution number.
Oh, I've made some headway.
Did you actually Google it? Is that now lurking in your computer search history? Oh yeah, unfortunately.
Alright, so I've got some questions for you.
Yeah.
Just want to do my due diligence here.
Finding this all very attractive.
- Okay great.
- So you're saying that prostitution is your full time job now? Yes, like you've been in some sort of tragic, probably disfiguring accident.
I'm no longer funny, this is literally all we have as a family to survive.
Okay, alright, I've got a number.
Great.
Alright, based on my research I think you'd do very well.
Really? I'm gonna say 250 dollars.
250 dollars? Are you out of your god damn mind? Oh wow.
For the whole night? Yeah why, what were you thinking? I was thing 10,000 dollars min.
Whoa, people don't spend 10,000 on prostitutes.
How much sex money do you think people have.
You know what, no.
I don't accept that number, okay.
Because I have a product that is superior to other products on the market.
I am very good at what I do.
You are good, but 10,000 dollars.
You know what the problem is? You are undervaluing its worth.
Your sex worth? Yeah, you've lost all perspective.
It's like, if you were married to a chef.
You know, after a while you stop appreciating the culinary skill and you think, oh yeah, everyone cooks this well.
- Maybe.
- Because I'll tell you what, most people in the world cook hot dogs, and I fuck like a champ.
That is a sentence.
I wouldn't put tongue to tip for 250 dollars, to be clear.
Another good sentence.
I go first, then Grammy.
Actually you went first last time Bubs, now it's Grammy's time to go first.
[Emilia.]
I want to go first.
Well, we all want to go first right? But that wouldn't be fair to Grammy.
She would be very sad if she didn't get her turn.
Honey, you go ahead and go first.
Well then you know what, I'm not gonna play, because the rules say to take turns.
If we're not playing by the rules, then, I'm not interested.
Everything okay? It's just you know, when you play a game, you got to all take the rules in and not complain about them.
That's what we do.
Go ahead mom, it's your turn.
This is gonna be fun.
Oh, look at me, a double.
Oh, I just got a single.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
You've already picked a card.
Well, I made a new rule, I get two cards.
We've already agreed to the rules, - it's one card.
- You're not playing fair.
- Actually, I am playing fair.
- No you're not.
Yes I am, these are the rules.
- No they're not.
- Yes they are.
Well I'm not playing.
Okay, well Grammy and I are gonna keep playing, and I am getting very close to Licorice Lagoon.
Da da da da da da.
You could of just let her take another card.
Mom, you want me to just let her cry and get whatever she wants? - She's six years old.
- Exactly.
Six is not a baby.
And you know what, she doesn't have a sibling to toughen her up.
Dave used to spit in my mouth if he caught me cheating.
Oh god.
Exactly, and that is why I know to follow rules.
She doesn't have that luxury, so now I have to pretend to give a shit about Candyland.
Don't say shit.
Okay well, you know what I am going to say.
I just entered Candy Castle, does that mean I win? I mean, I didn't see this coming but I accept what's occurred.
You are a model of sportsmanship.
Thank you.
And by the way, it says the youngest player goes first.
- It does? - Yeah.
What's it say now? I think it's just probably who got in to Candy Castle last.
Okay mom, careful there rouge nipple.
Bubs, I'm putting your name on your water bottle.
Okay.
Actually, yours is the one with the smear.
Mommy, why do so many kids in my class already know the big kids.
Well, a lot of kids in your class have big brothers and sisters who already go to the school.
Yeah, but as you make friends, you'll become friends with their siblings too.
You know what, sometimes it's actually really helpful to be friends with the big kids 'cause they can teach you the ropes of the school.
Make you feel like a big girl.
- [Mike.]
Yeah.
- But it is eight o'clock, and you need to get to bed, so get that tushy up, because I'm going to eat it.
Get in bed.
Oh, it's so cute.
I mean how long do you think it's gonna be before she makes me stop getting up in that tushy? I have to hope before graduate school? She should be so lucky.
I can get to that tushy at graduate school.
And I made friends with a new girl, her name is Stella.
Oh, sounds like you had a pretty good day.
We took turns going down the slide, and I let her go first.
You did? Bubs, I am proud of you.
Did you know Stella has a sister in fourth grade? I did not know that.
She's really nice.
Well that's great.
Remember I said it's sometimes nice to have big kid friends to talk to.
She says I am gonna get pubic hair.
Oh, actually, you know what.
Stella's sister is right, because everybody at a certain age gets hair on their privates, just like mommy, one day, you will get pubic hair.
I don't like your pubic hair.
Wow, okay, well regardless, either way, it's gonna happen to you.
Do boys get pubic hair? Of course, everybody gets it.
Daddy doesn't have pubic hair.
- Yeah, he does.
- No, he doesn't.
- Yeah, he does.
- No, he doesn't.
- Yeah, he does.
- No, he doesn't.
I'm not gonna argue with you about this, daddy has pubic hair, okay.
Mommy, what's a period? How long were you talking to Stella's sister for? Well I guess the upside is our six year old is now prepared for her period.
Downside, I am aware that our daughter is not a fan of my pubic hair.
- What? - Yeah, I am she has no idea, first of all, how aspirational this situation is.
It is primped and preened within an inch of it's life.
So Stella's sister just knew all this stuff? Yes, she's in fourth grade okay? Our daughter's now at a school that goes up to sixth grade, so she's gonna be exposed to all kinds of things.
When do girls even get their period, isn't it like 15? No, I was eleven.
What? I mean I was on the early side, but you know, usually by thirteen, everyone's walking around quietly bleeding.
Jesus.
It's really just been pretty fantastic day, 'cause you know what you get to talk about after you finish with periods? You get to walk them through the specific anatomy of the vagina.
Yeah, the labias, minorum, majora, the urethral opening, that was a big one.
Suddenly really appreciating my 6 P.
M.
conference call.
Yeah well, don't get too comfortable because Emilia doesn't believe you have pubic hair, so I'm gonna need a snapshot.
You're not taking a picture of my penis to show our daughter.
I'm not asking for the Washington Monument, just give me the mall, alright? Not happening.
What if I just wanted a picture for me? No.
I promise I won't show it to our daughter.
I don't trust you.
Well, alright, you got to go to sleep sometime.
See you in bed.
So how's Izzy liking Ms.
Reamus? By the way, Emilia knows about periods.
What? Stella's older sister.
I thought you should know so maybe you'd be more prepared than I was, which was not remotely prepared.
You're serious? Well I told her not to tell any of her friends, so hopefully she will keep her mouth shut.
But just the mommy's want to tell them themselves.
- Oh, okay.
- What? Why do you assume it's gonna be a mommy? - Brian.
- Yes.
Unless your wife, and every other female family member and friend is dead and buried, it should be mommies.
I'm just saying I have a pretty strong take on all this.
Gross.
You're gross.
I can't wait to hear how that goes.
I'll record it for you.
- Will you? - Yes.
Actually, in all honestly, I would love that.
You know, I would talk to Emilia's teacher about this, you know what I'm saying, just give him a heads up.
To Mr.
Castelottis? Yes, Mr.
Castelottis, I mean that is her teacher right? Right.
If it were me, I'd be talking to Ms.
Reamus about it.
I don't enjoy you as a friend.
I love you as a friend.
I don't enjoy you loving me as a friend.
Enjoy your convo.
Convo? Conversation.
Hi, Mr.
Castelottis, I'm Andrea, Emilia's mom.
Ms.
Lauren, yes, hello.
Oh, hi, hello.
I just wanted to let you know that yesterday, Emilia had a very illuminating conversation with Stella's older sister.
And now has learned about periods, and pubic hair, so, um, I just wanted to let you know in case she seems a little off, or god forbid anything comes up, what we've been dealing with at home.
Well I appreciate you telling me.
I'll you know if anything comes up.
Thank you, I really appreciate that.
That would be great.
And just so you know, I know it can seem a little early, but a lot of kids around her age learn about menses.
Uh huh, I'm sure.
And you just spoke about menses, not intercourse? No, just the first one.
Okay, got it.
Great.
Then um, I will see you at pickup.
Sounds good.
Great, have a good day.
You too.
He said menses.
So, you had a good day.
Did you learn anything new? Yeah, I learned how to count by fives.
Five, 10, 15, 20.
Okay good.
[Mike.]
That's good, that's a good one.
Can I have some more water? Sure, you know what, why don't you get it yourself? Can I? Oh yeah of course, you're a big girl.
I'm gonna show Walter how to do it.
Great, 'cause I'm sick of that Walter bugging me to get him water all the time.
Oh boy.
Well I mean, we got through the first week of kindergarten and only had to deal with bullying, pubic hair, and periods.
Not so terrible.
- Right? - Yeah.
I mean I hope we get a little bit of a breather before tackling euthanasia and AIDS, but let's just assume they cover that a little closer to the holidays.
Yeah, it's so Christmassy.
Yeah, there's nothing that says Christmas like pulling the plug on a loved one.
Yeah.
To help them out.
Obviously I cannot speak for all the prostitutes in the world, but people are willing to pay more money for an exclusive luxury brand.
Okay, and how do you plan on becoming so exclusive? Glad you asked.
I've thought about this.
All my marketing, word of mouth.
Word of mouth? Yeah, it creates the mystique.
It's like going to a restaurant that doesn't have a sign.
Aren't you willing to pay a little extra to know that you're getting an experience that other people aren't getting to enjoy.
- Sure.
- Obviously in this situation, the experience is my body.
You know I have to say, I think most prostitutes do not have your marketing savvy.
That's why I have a leg up.
Actually, two legs up, behind my head.
Actually they're not, because you can barely touch your toes.
That is not true.
- I can very much touch.
- Haven't seen it.
Hi.
- How did it go? - Oh she's always great.
- Oh good.
- She went to bed without a thousand excuses? Not quite that many.
Oof, well congratulations.
There was one thing, and not a big deal, but just to let you know, she did ask to see my clitoris.
- Oh my god.
- Oh wow.
I recently have been teaching her about the female anatomy so that must have just been on her brain.
No it's fine, I wasn't pressed she knew the correct term.
Okay, so do Venmo or Paypal, or just how about all that.
Everything that's in your wallet I think is appropriate.
- Thank you.
- You get a fee bump when you're asked to show your clitoris.
Yeah.
So, what'd you think of my work back there? Well you know what, I think it was worth every penny.
Yeah? You think it's the kind of thing that's gonna get people talking? Oh, I think it will start up a conversation.
Great, well then do me a favor, spread the word.
[laughing.]
Seriously, I'm gonna need you to tell your friends.
Really? - Yeah.
- Who do you think? Kevin? Yes definitely Kevin.
You know what, actually just give me Kevin's number.
I will reach out to him myself.