In Living Color (1990) s02e11 Episode Script

You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me It's a'ight to be - In living color And how would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat - And at night it was safeto walk down the street - In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color Everybody hereis equally kind Everybody hereis equally kind Everybody, everybodyeverybody, everybody - Everybody here is equally kind - In living color What's mine is yoursand what's yours is mine In living c-c-c-olor You can do what you wanna doin living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me It's a'ight to be - In living color You can do what you wanna doin living color [Audience Applauding,Cheering.]
Ladies and gentlemen, Keenen Ivory Wayans.
[Cheering, Applause Continues.]
My new look.
Huh? A little something.
A little something, new jacket there.
How's everybody doing? Good to have you all here.
- [Applause, Cheering.]
- Thank you.
You know the rules.
You sit back, you laugh, we do the rest.
We'll be back in a minute.
Shawn, get it going.
- [Hip Hop.]
- You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon [Imitating Sugar Ray Leonard.]
All these guys are bums.
He'll wanna feel you out, see what you got.
[Imitating Muhammad Ali.]
He's got just one thing on his mind.
He's gonna wanna put you on your back right away.
[Imitating Mike Tyson.]
That's right.
So what I want you to do.
.
.
is when you're both in close and you're hot and sweaty.
.
.
I want you to throw it in his third rib.
You push that in there, it pushes all the bile out of the body right onto the floor.
But, Dads, it's just a date.
Do I have to wear these gloves? Oh, darlin', but it goes so nice with the mouthpiece we got you.
[Announcer.]
At first,there was Three Champs and a Baby.
Now, Touch-tone Pictures presents: Now, remember, no contact below the belt.
That's right.
Let's get these up there.
- Oh, Dad.
- Now, do you remember what I told ya? - No, Dad.
- Well, neither do I.
.
.
but just in case.
.
.
He may be pretty.
He may have zits.
Whatever you do, don't let him touch, uh.
.
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like a bee.
Thanks, Dad.
You know, you look pretty ecstatic, darlin'.
Thanks.
Oh, I think I might need some money, Dad.
Oh, that's fine.
All pretty girls need money.
How much you need, darlin'? - Here.
Take it all.
Here.
Take the watch.
- Oh.
Take the deed to the house.
Take it all.
Just get your baldheaded mother away from me! - Mike! Mike! - Michael! Michael! - It's over now.
- Ohhh.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I had a lithium flashback.
I'm all right.
- It's okay, Dad.
- No, darlin'.
That was pretty ludicrous.
Hey, "ludicrous.
" That's a pretty big word.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah.
I remember the first time I fell in love.
It was right after a big fight.
I looked down and saw one of the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen, and it winked at me.
Then I picked it up and put it back in its socket.
Hey.
You know, I remember my first date.
- [Together.]
You do? - No, I don't.
Well, anyway, darlin', just remember.
.
.
if you have any problems, just call the house.
I'll hop in the Mercedes.
I'll drive right.
.
.
- No! - No! No, no! [Fight Bell Clangs.]
- Dad! Doorbell.
- [Giggles.]
That's pretty funny, Ali.
Pretty funny.
[Giggling.]
Dad, Dad, Dad.
.
.
this is my date, Gerry Cooney, Jr.
Yeah.
How you doing, kid? - Oh, geez! - Like father, like son.
- Gerry Cooney.
- Easy, easy, easy.
Easy.
Put your arm over here.
Put your arm around him.
- There you go.
- All right.
- Good-bye, young people.
Have a good time.
- Good-bye, Dads.
- You kids have fun.
- Okay.
Have fun.
Say hello to your dad for me.
Geez.
Boy, her first date, guys.
- Mm.
- I don't know if I'm ecstatic or ludicrous.
Why don't we just fight another round, Mike? - All right.
I tell you what, you guess who I am this time, all right? - All right.
All right.
Check it out now.
We're in the second round, all right? Hit me with a right hand real soft.
Boom! I'm down.
"Hey! Where's my $22 million?" - Buster Douglas! - [Giggling.]
That's right! [Announcer.]
Three Champs and a Little Lady.
Coming to a theater near you.
[Jazzy Theme.]
Hey! Welcome back to the Newlywed Game.
Biff and Bunny, that last round was incredible.
Now, it's time to seehow our husbands'answers.
.
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match up with what their wives have said.
Couple number three, Phillip and Louise.
If your wife was a dog, Phil.
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what kind of a dog would she be? Well, I'd have to say an Afghan.
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because it's tall, it's regal and it's elegant.
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everything that she is.
Louise, wanna show us your card? She said she would not be a dog.
Hey, Louise, it's just a game.
I thought the whole point was to win.
Well, uh, Phillip, you can play the game.
.
.
but I'm not going to answer a question that I find degrading.
I know we've only been married a month,but I don't think I like you.
Well, are we having a verbal conflict, Phillip? I know our therapist told us to avoid that.
Maybe we should just end this marriage right now.
- Judges? Judges say, "End the marriage.
" - [Bell Dinging.]
Okay.
On to couple number two.
Biff, what kind of a dog is your wife? Well, Bob, I always tell Bunny.
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that's she's just a cute little fluffy newborn pup.
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with a warm little belly.
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and a sharp, scratchy little tongue.
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and droopy little lovable puppy dog eyes.
Bunny, show us your card.
- [Bell Dinging.]
- Hey.
! That's a doggone correct answer.
Which brings us to couple number one, Fred and Wilma.
- Guys? - Yeah.
Well, Fred, what kind of a four-legged mutt are you married to? Hey, hey, hey.
My wife ain't no mutt, all right? - She's more like a pit bull.
- A pit bull? Yeah, a pit bull.
Isn't that one of them dogs that, you know.
.
.
clamps onto your behind and will not let go no matter what? - Uh-huh.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- What? - She said.
.
.
She said, "The butt.
" - That's from when we.
.
.
- That's from before.
- What kind of a dog is that? - I said a poodle! - Oh.
- A poodle! Remember how you be saying whenever we make love.
.
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my head be looking like a poodle dangling from a dashboard? Yeah, but the pit bull clamp.
- Oh, shut up! You so stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid! - Bob! Bob! Okay, Bunny, what part of your body reminds Biff of food? Well, Bob, it's funny you should ask that.
See, Biff puts on these chaps and he tightens up the saddle.
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and he straps on those spurs.
.
.
- Specifically, Bunny.
- Well, um.
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my face gets all flushed and my cheeks are like cherries! - [Bell Dinging.]
- "Cheeks like cherries.
" Better put him out to stud.
That's also another correct answerand 10 big points.
.
.
which brings us back to Fred and Wilma.
Well, let me tell you something, Bob.
Missy over here ain't the only one with cherry cheeks.
.
.
except mine ain't the ones that smilin'.
Fred, could be your big chanceto get out of the doghouse.
- "Cottage Cheese Thighs.
" - Cottage cheese thighs! Cottage cheese thighs.
You know, Bob, she got those big lumps of fat on the back of her legs.
- They hunk over.
.
.
They overflow over her panty hose.
- Yeah.
Uh-huh.
- I even drew a picture.
Check it out.
- That's a good one.
- Oh, that's it.
- See? That's the fat right there.
When she walks, it's like dead fish slapping together.
Come on now! Well, couple number two? Couple number two, you're our grand prize winner.
- [Screaming.]
- This is Bob Eubanks.
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and the Newlywed Game.
[Hip-Hop.]
[Rock.]
[Announcer.]
And now, live from Cell Block "B"Prison Cable Network.
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.
the only TVproduced in prison for prisoners.
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.
presents the Good Behavior Variety Show! So let's give it up for your host.
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serving a life sentence for.
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.
[Laughs.]
You name it, he's done it.
- Here's Angel.
! - [Cheering.]
[Rock Climaxes, Stops.]
[Latin Accent.]
Hey, hey! All right, all right.
Let's give a hand to the Prison Cable Network Band! Come on! [Cheering, Applause.]
All right, all right.
I wanna tell everybody, it's so good to be here, you know what I mean? Well, not good to be here, but good to be here.
You know what I'm saying! - [Rim Shot.]
- [Laughing.]
I know you guys are looking at me and probably thinking.
.
.
"Hey, this guy's a kidnapping, car-stealing, gun-toting killer from Oakland, huh?" Well, I'm not, all right? I'm from San Francisco, huh? - [Rim Shot.]
- [Laughing.]
Okay, okay.
Okay, for our first act tonight, all right.
.
.
This guy is my home slice, man.
I like to call him Poquito.
You can call him Tiny, man.
He's gonna be doing a scene from the Wizard of Oz, man.
That's right.
And performing with him is Miss Debbie Walsh.
Yeah, she's a volunteer in the infirmary.
Check it out.
This is gonna be hot.
It's gonna be cooking.
- [Rock.]
- [Cheering, Whistling.]
- [Music Ends.]
- [Applause, Cheering Dies Out.]
[Muffled.]
Oil can.
Oil can.
[Clicking.]
Mm! Mm.
Goodness.
I can talk again.
Good, Tin Woodsman.
Uh, look here.
Oil me some more, Dorothy.
Did that hurt? Nah.
That felt good.
I ain't been able to move my mouth in ages.
I just scared I ain't go no heart.
Well, we were all wondering if you'd like to come to the Emerald City with us.
.
.
and see if the Wizard of Oz would give you a heart.
You look good, Dorothy.
He's gonna give the scarecrow a brain.
You smell good too, baby.
Tiny, that's not in the script.
Your breastesses look so nice and round.
Look here! I got to have you, baby! - [Screams.]
- [Cheering.]
Hey, hey! All right.
I guess we all can identify with that performance, huh? [Cheering Continues.]
Now, you all are gonna dig this next act, okay? He killed at the Apollo.
He killed at the Comedy Store.
He killed at the 7-11.
.
.
that's why they brought him down here to Death Row.
- [Laughing.]
- Let's give it up for the Death Row Comic.
Come on! [Cheering, Applause.]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Yeah.
Really good to be here.
So, is this thing on? Hey! Take my life, please.
- [Rim Shot.]
- Ho! Yeah.
I just stabbed a guard 57 times.
.
.
and boy are my arms tired.
- [Rim Shot.]
- Ho! Hey! What do you say, folks? You know, I was always the cut up in the family.
Matter of fact, I cut up my family! - [Rim Shot.]
- Hey! You know, my next appearance, the warden guaranteed me the best seat in the house.
I told him, hey, I'll give an electrifying performance.
- [Rim Shot.]
- Hey, is this thing on? Look, folks, I'm dying up here.
Hey.
Dig.
I love making people laugh.
But, see, the key to my jokes is not in the delivery.
It's in the execution.
[Rim Shot.]
[Man On P.
A.
.]
All right.
It's time.
Um, anybody heard from the governor? Just kidding, y'all.
Good night.
[Applause, Cheering.]
[Cheering Continues.]
I know there's one guy who hopes we blow a fuse tonight, you know what I mean? All right.
This next act you gonna love, all right? His last assistant he sawed in half and got 25-to-life, man.
Eeeh.
Let's give it up for the magic of Charlie Magic.
Come on! - [Intro.]
- [Cheering.]
[Inmates Chanting.]
Charlie! Charlie! Charlie! Charlie! Charlie! Charlie! [Cheering.]
Good evening, gentlemen.
I know what you're thinking.
Hell! I'm right inside your heads! [Laughing.]
[Cheering.]
Tonight I'm gonna do a little disappearing act for you.
Like to introduce you to my beautiful assistant Frank.
[Cheering, Whistling.]
He's looking especially lovely tonight.
Frank's gonna step inside this box now and disappear.
And don't think I won't miss him.
.
.
'cause he cost me a whole carton of smokes! - [Laughing.]
- [Cheering.]
Okay.
Now we say the magic words.
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.
and tap the box twice with the magic wand.
Guards to the left of me.
Guards to the right.
The guard in the tower is sleeping tonight.
[Chuckles.]
Helto-Skelto.
Alakazam! Do the dance of doom and presto.
.
.
Frank's gone, man! - [Cheering.]
- Hee-hee-hee! Oh, man.
Now I'm gonna make Bill here disappear.
Thank you, Bill.
- Now I'm gonna make Stu disappear.
- [Cheering.]
All right.
And here comes Mike.
Nice knowing you, man.
[Man On P.
A.
.]
This is the warden.
Bring 'em back now, Charlie.
Sorry, man.
I don't know how to do that! - [Alarm Sirens.]
- [Warden.]
Everyone backin your cells immediately.
This is a lockdown.
[Rock.]
Well, that looks like our show tonight.
All right, everybody.
I can't wait to see you on the outside! Adios! - [Sirens Continue.]
- [Continues.]
[Hip-Hop.]
[Chattering.]
[Chattering Dies Out.]
Good evening.
.
.
and welcome to theJustice Legions of America.
As you all know.
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.
theJustice Legion recently settled an affirmative-action suit.
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brought against it by the United States.
- [Murmuring.]
- Apparently.
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it was felt that the Legion's membership has shown a discriminatory preference.
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for white men and incredibly beautiful white women.
[Murmuring.]
As part of our settlement.
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without denying or admitting our guilt.
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.
I'd now like to present our newest members.
Please welcome our firstJewish superhero.
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Beardman! Tchaiko the Human Computer.
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our first Oriental.
And, of course, the woman who originally brought the suit against us.
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Angrywoman, the world's only black feminist lesbian superhero.
And last but not least.
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let's give a warm Justice League welcome.
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for the newest handicapped superhero.
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Handi Man! [Tapping On P.
A.
.]
[Slurring.]
Thank you.
I'm a man of few words.
And I'd like to say to all those.
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.
who never believed in the power of the handicapped.
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.
"There's a new sheriff in town and this is his badge.
" Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a giant handicapped sign.
! [Onlookers Oohing.]
Listen.
I'd love to stay and chat.
.
.
but there's someone who needs my help.
I'll be back.
Up, up and away! Thank God you heard my call! Have no fear, Handi Man is here.
Good.
I gotta go bad.
This guy's been in the stall for over an hour and a half.
He's not even disabled! Say no more.
Wheel back.
Something tells me this ain't gonna be pretty.
Hey! What the.
.
.
Hey! Come on outta the stall before there's trouble.
I ain't leaving.
Uh-oh.
Looks like someone's about to join the ranks of the disabled.
Let's get busy! A cool drink of water oughta calm you down.
- [Gurgling.]
- [Toilet Flushes.]
- [Sputtering.]
- Now get out of here! I'm sorry, Handi Man! I'm sorry.
Oh! Oh, no! I didn't do anything.
I'm sorry.
You saved the day! The physically challenged have been needing a hero, and you're it! Thank you, Handi Man! That's okay, son.
And remember.
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never underestimate the powers of the handicapped.
Up, up and away! Thank God we have Handi Man to count on! [Announcer.]
The Adventures of Handi Man! - [Applause, Cheering.]
- Thank you.
Thank you.
We're gonna see you again next Sunday.
.
.
8:00, Fox.
Until then, we gonna go home tonight.
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Until then, we gonna go home tonight.
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with the first female on the notorious DefJam label.
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give it up for Nikki D.
- [Cheering.]
- [Hip-Hop.]
That's what I'm talking about.
Come on, y'all.
It's the end of the show.
You might as well have a good time.
You know, they all worked it.
You got the Fly Girls, the whole In Living Color posse.
And we're gonna take you home.
We're gonna take you out like this: [Rapping.]
[Continues.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]