In Living Color (1990) s02e12 Episode Script

Hi, I'm Julie from the In Living Color switchboard.
- [Phone Ringing.]
- I'm about to let you in on an incredible offer.
If you call me now, for just $39.
95.
.
.
Fox Television will send you this genuine Afro-phone.
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made from the finest polystyrene plastic.
And if you call right now, we'll send along absolutely free.
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In Living Color's outtakes, bloopers and blunders.
Oh, my God! Look what happened.
.
.
by accident! You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color Operators are standing by.
SW1, kick it.
You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me It's a'ight to be - In living color And how would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat - And at night it was safeto walk down the street - In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color Everybody hereis equally kind Everybody hereis equally kind Everybody, everybodyeverybody, everybody - Everybody here is equally kind - In living color What's mine is yoursand what's yours is mine In living c-c-c-olor You can do what you wanna doin living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me It's a'ight to be - In living color You can do what you wanna doin living color [Audience Applauding, Cheering.]
[Man Narrating.]
First, Lou Ferrigno was The Incredible Hulk.
Then Arnold Schwarzeneggerwas Conan.
And now, world championfemale bodybuilder Vera De Milo.
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explodes upon the screen as.
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Veracosa, Mistress of Destruction.
Watch Vera's biceps bulge.
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as she summonsthe spirit Dianabol.
[Grunting.]
Watch her belly bulgeas she lets loose the wind of the gods.
[Exhales.]
You'll marvel at allof Vera's incredible bulges.
Yaah! Whoa! What's a girl to do? Yaah! Whoo! Yaah! Thanks for hangin' around.
Hey.
No fair.
Ow! [Whip Cracks.]
[Growling.]
[Growls.]
Ah! At last we meet, my dreaded Veracosa.
I am Kee-Man of the Hanna-Barberians.
I am he that must vanquish thee from thine.
Therefore, I am, I must.
I don't understand a word you're saying.
What kind of language is that? It is the tongue of my native land, Dyslexia.
Now, say you'll be my bride.
And together we will rule the Erudites.
[Laughing.]
You are brave as well as beautiful.
That excites me.
You shall never taste my ambrosia, Kee-Man.
- [All Groaning.]
- For I am Veracosa.
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of British Caledonia, keeper of Nautilus.
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and deceptor of urinalysis.
Very well.
Then what I cannot have.
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take it I shall.
Yes.
I shall unleash the mammaries.
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.
- that kings and princes have died for.
- [Gasps.]
I can't believe you just did that! I am so humiliated! Now you've asked for it.
No! No, not the poison pit.
- Oh! Oh, no! - Sleep well, Kee-Man.
[Groaning.]
Let that be a lesson to all those who practice evil.
When you mess with my breasts.
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you die like the rest! [Whinnying.]
[All Chanting.]
Vera! Vera! Vera! Vera! [Narrator.]
Veracosa, Mistress of Destruction.
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coming soonto a theater near you.
[Chanting Continues.]
[Man Narrating.]
They drove you crazywith their top-500 hit "We Tight.
" They revolutionized dinner theaterwith their show.
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.
Please Don't Chew With Your Mouth Open.
And now, Cephus and Reesiesing all your holiday favorites.
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including their 24-minuteversion of"Deck the Halls.
" Deck the halls with boughs of Ho-o-o-llee-ee-ee Now, hold it right there, Reesie! - What are we deckin'? - I'm deckin' the.
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.
Ho-oo-oo-oo-oo [Exaggerated Vocalizing.]
Not the kitchen Whoo [Narrator.]
You'll get their49-minute version of"Silent Night.
" Shh! Shh! Silent night Now, hold it Reesie.
What kind of night you say that was? Shh! Shh! I said it was a silent night.
Oh, Reesie, I'm talkin' too much.
Better hush up.
Shh! See no evil, hear no evil.
Silent night.
Put a sock in it! [Exaggerated Vocalizing.]
Now, wait a minute, Reesie.
I'm confused.
Was the night silent or was it holy? It was silent and holy, Cephus! - Oh, you mean holy, holy.
- You crazy.
- Like a sock! - [Exaggerated Vocalizing.]
[Narrator.]
And best of all, if you act now.
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.
you can receive this eight-C.
D.
Collector's edition.
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of the "Twelve Daysof Christmas.
" On the ninth day of Christmas My true love sent to me Nine chickens leapin' - Eight black-eyed peas - Seven candied yams - Six corn bread muffins - Five pounds of grits - That's right.
- Four neck bones Three ham hocks Two cans of Spam And some chitlins and some pig's feet [Stammering.]
Nine chickens leapin' Eight black-eyed peas Seven candied yams Six corn bread muffins Five pounds of grits - Five - S-Seven.
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Nine chickens leapin' Eight black-eyed peas [Narrator.]
It's a holiday albumyou'll enjoy for years to come.
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and you'll only have toplay it once.
Send $ 19.
99 today to.
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.
[Singing Continues.]
[Dance.]
Now, this is a replica of the habitatofbirds from the Brazilian rain forest.
Now, can anyone tell me why these birds are endangered? Edna? Edna? Oh.
Yes.
I believe I can tell you, Mrs.
Keegan.
These birds are endangered because when they fly south.
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sometimes they go too far, going past the South Pole up to the North Pole.
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and get hit by Santa's sled.
That's enough, young lady.
If I hear one more of your outrageous stories, I'm gonna have to call your mother.
- Whatever you say, bubble butt.
- What did you say? I said, " Gosh, I can't wait to see King Tut!" Good, because that's where we're going next.
But before we go, does anybody know the correct answer? Yes, Parnell.
Those fowl are being threatened because the tropical rain forests are being cut down.
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at the alarming rate of 7,000 acres a day.
- Duh! - Very good, Parnell.
All right, class.
Now, let's move on to the next exhibit, all right? Follow me.
Parnell! Look at this, Parnell.
It's just like that movie, The Birds.
Ah! Oh! Save me, Parnell! Please! They'll poke my eyes out! [Screaming.]
Nice try, Count Barfula.
But those birds have been dead and stuffed for about nine billion years! Oh, yeah? Well, for your information, Parnell.
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.
I happen to be able to talk to the animals, just like Dr.
Dolittle.
Look.
[Gibberish.]
That's mature.
Not! Parnell, I've got a great idea.
You be Tarzan, and I'll beJane, beautiful princess of the jungle.
I don't wish to be caught in your tender trap.
Besides, you look more like "Cheeta-bo-beet-a, I smell your stinky feet-a.
" Oh, good one, I'm sure.
Hey, guess what, Parnell.
I'm your cousin, the industrious beaver.
- [Chewing Noises.]
- Shut up.
Timber! [Screams.]
Maximum put-down! Way to go! That display has brought joy to the hearts of millions.
Now we gotta fix it, Vomitola Khomeini! I see your hiney Out front and shiny Better hide it before I bite it Hey, what's down here? [Screams.]
Knock it off, Puke-asaurus Rex.
- If that's your idea.
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.
- If that's your idea.
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.
- You're never gonna.
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- You're never gonna.
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.
- You're not bu.
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- You're not bu.
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.
[Mrs.
Keegan.]
Edna Louise, Parnell.
! Oh, thank goodness.
Oh, thank goodness you've arrived.
Mrs.
Keegan, it was terrible.
All the birds from.
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.
from Desert Land came over.
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with all the birds from Rain Forest Town.
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and they were crashing and banging, having a big battle.
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.
Stop it! Stop it right now, Edna Louise.
That is the absolute last straw.
I'm going to call your mother and have you suspended, young lady.
Oh, Mrs.
Keegan, please don't call my mother.
Don't do it.
I'll do my homework.
I'll do everybody's homework.
Oh, Mrs.
Keegan, can't we just settle this like adults? No, we can't.
That's enough from you.
- Mrs.
Keegan? - Yes, Parnell.
It was all my fault.
I became so fascinatedby the foliage.
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that I had to get a closer look, and I accidentally knocked it over.
Edna was.
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just trying to help me clean it up.
All right, Edna.
I won't call your mother this time.
But both you and Parnell.
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.
are gonna spend the rest of the afternoon on the bus.
Now, clean up his mess.
I'm gonna go join the other children.
Okay.
Parnell, Parnell.
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does that mean you love me or what? Try again, Crapalonia! It was just a matter of my own protection.
If you get kicked out, you'll probably have to find a job in the fast-food industry.
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and you'll have bad acne, and when I order my fries.
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I'll have to look at your pimply, pus-y head.
It just not worth it, "Edna-Pedna, go drop dead-na.
" That spells love to me, man! Parnell is in love with me! I just knew it! [Squeals.]
[Dance.]
[Rapping.]
There he is.
Come on.
Let's go see Santa Claus.
! [All Cheering.]
[All Chanting.]
Santa! Santa! Santa! Santa! Santa! Santa! Santa! Sa.
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Santa don't live here anymore.
It's Homey Claus.
How come you don't got w-w-white hair and a white beard? Oh, surround my face with white.
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so I can look some sort of damn North Pole negative.
I don't think so.
Homey don't play that.
Hey.
Can we sit on your lap and tell you what we want for Christmas? [All.]
Yeah.
! Oh, so let I get this straight.
You want me to lower myself so that you can assume.
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.
a superior position and then demand tribute.
- Yeah! - Yeah! I don't think so.
Homey don't play that.
I tell you what.
You can sit on this.
You can have your knee, and I can keep my dignity.
But, Homey, w-w-what's dignity? Here, let me show you.
- See how you feel right now? - Yeah.
Well, dignity is the opposite of that.
Now then, little girl.
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.
what do you want from Homey Claus? Uh, a Malibu Barbie with her own condo! - A Malibu Barbie? - Yeah! Well, I ain't got no Malibu Barbie.
I got Compton Carlotta.
And this is her Section 8 housing in foreclosure.
Hey, this is a milk carton.
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and this is a turkey baster with an Afro! - Merry Christmas.
- Thank you.
- I want.
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.
- I don't care what you want, cave boy.
This is what you get.
It's Sticko, the world's greatest toy.
- It's a stick.
- I know, but it ain't just an ordinary stick.
You could be a baseball player, like.
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.
What's that big, fat white boy's name? Babe Ruth.
I don't want to be a baseball player.
Well, then you can play the flute, be the Pied Piper of Hammer time.
- [Flute Sounds.]
- I don't want to be a flute player.
Then here.
Why don't you just go lead the parade? - I don't want to lead.
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.
- I said, lead the damn parade! Big kid, come sit down.
Hi, Homey! You scream in my ear again, big kid, it's gonna be me and you.
- Sorry, Homey.
- Now, what can Homey Claus get for you? Okay.
Homey, I would like a refracting telescope.
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model 897560-392504.
You know, something I can look at all the constellations and the stars with.
Oh, so you're not just a big, dumb kid, you're a brainy kid.
- Yeah, Homey.
- Homey's got just the thing for you.
Here you go.
But, Homey, this isn't no refracting telescope.
It's better than that.
It's an observatory.
Go ahead.
Why don't you put it on your head.
Didn't you see all the wonderful stars? Yeah.
Excuse me, children.
I got to bring some Christmas joy into this young man's heart.
- [Whistling.]
- Hey! I saw you take that toy.
Now, if you need a toy and can't afford one, Homey Claus will give you one.
I got money.
I stole it so I can be in a gang.
It's part of my initiation.
- What? - My initiation.
He's a ignorant little fool.
So you want to be in a gang, huh? Make you feel like a big man, huh? - Yeah.
- Since you're a big man, Homey's got something special for you.
- Yes, look in the bag.
- Let me see.
- I don't see nothin'.
- You gotta look closer.
- Now what do you see? - Hey! Get.
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.
Nothing! That's the same thing your dumb ass get out of a gang.
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.
nothing.
Can I go now? Well, I guess since it's Christmas, I should let you off with just a warning, huh? I don't think so.
Homey don't play that.
All right, little childrens, gather around.
My belt is fallin'.
- That means it's time to sing Christmas carols.
- [All.]
Yeah! All right.
Repeat after me.
Silent night - Silent night - Silent night Homey's night - Homey's night - Homey's night All was calm - All was calm - All was calm All was bright Bright like the light that the cop shined in my damn face.
He knew I didn't do nothin'.
Threw me on the floor and put that damn thing in.
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.
Started beatin' me like I was a fool.
I didn't do it.
He knew I didn't do it! He knew it! And y'all ain't singing.
[All Reciting, Indistinct.]
[Continues.]
That was beautiful.
You almost made Homey misty-eyed.
I said "almost.
" Now, y'all go on, get out of here.
Bye, Homey! Hey, Homey! Homey! Merry Christmas.
What, you trying to have a special moment with me? You want Homey to reveal a tender side, show he wasn't completely hardened.
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by the Man's prison system? Yeah.
I don't think so.
Homey don't play that, not even on Christmas.
Now, get the hell out of here.
Hey kid.
You ain't movin' fast enough.
I said get the hell out of here.
All right.
All right.
Thank you very much.
Tonight is a very special night for all of us here.
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because we're celebrating finishing our 25th episode.
So thanks to everybody at home and here.
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who helped to make the show a success.
Now, let's get out of here.
See you next week.
You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color In living color In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color